[music playing]
[flying sound] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come on!
[cheers]
Come and watch pikies making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What the hell on Earth could ever replace--
Hey!
--kids needing money or wives in your in face?
[bark]
Cause this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented to calm us all down.
Supper is going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates, basic essentials.
Oh!
FRANK: We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head--
[slam]
But you pay the taxes.
[laughter]
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
[gunshot]
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.
Scatter!
[music playing]
PATTY (VOICEOVER) I once fell in love with a man
I'd never met, actor, movie star, handsome thing,
dangerous lips, the promise of sin in smoldering, brown eyes.
I wanted him.
I wanted him so badly it hurt.
Years later, I was working in a book shop,
daily walks, out of fantasy and into the flesh.
We talked, laughed, but it wasn't too long
before I realized that the man I loved
was capable only of loving himself.
Meeting him ruined every memory of him I'd ever held dear.
I've never watched a film of his since.
The fantasy is always better than the reality.
[crash]
[groan]
Amen.
Yes, amen, oh, god, I'm coming.
God, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
[groan]
Libby!
She made this horrible, moaning noise, kept
shouting amen, amen, then cried out
to God that she were coming.
Can you imagine how terrible that must be,
a prisoner in your own body, your only escape,
your only release, in your dreams?
FRANK: That's all they are, babe.
Just dreams.
There's nowt in them.
I still dream of boffing Monica.
Your nerves must be shot to pieces.
Oh, which is not the only one.
Look at that.
I thought the poor old love was a goner.
Why don't you get yourself down in the pub?
Oh.
That's my drinking hand.
Which is why you're only getting a tenner.
[music playing]
Micky, your sister, Tanya.
She's going to be staying here for a while.
I didn't know he had a sister.
Same dad, different mom, eh, sister.
Which half?
Hey, not 16 yet.
OK, it isn't a massive problem, so whatever you do,
keep calm, OK?
Your dad's in the jockey.
Oh, shit.
MICKY: You know his mistake, don't you?
Saying keep calm.
But it's like saying to someone, don't worry,
because the first thing they're going to do is worry, isn't it?
So Jamie is a looker.
She's a thinker.
That means you must be the gobshite.
[music playing]
Hi, Homer.
Hi.
Hi, Jesus juice.
Yeah, all right, rack us up a slate.
Don't know when you got out.
Yesterday.
It was in the paper.
But if you want to stay out, you'll
keep your distance from me and her, because I'm just
dying to see you back inside and hearing
you've been buttfucked by every windowlicker on the side wing.
And I'm waiting for the day when I crack open the bubbly until I
tell Tonya that her bastard of a father
shuffled off his mortal coil.
The kid's been through it all since the mom died without you
turning up like a bad smell.
So count this as a warning, daddy dearest--
your last.
Or what?
[crash]
[groan]
What the hell?
Or that.
[applause]
Dad's been warned, but you know what he's like.
So if he comes near you again--
Call the Dibble.
No, no, please, not in here.
Tell me, Mimi, any of the lads--
oh, we'll get him sorted.
Well, if he bothers you again, yeah,
it's concrete boots, quick ferry across the Mersey, and bye,
bye daddy.
I've got family in the pool.
Half Scouse.
Which are?
You fuck my mom around.
You fuck your mom around.
You owe him nothing.
Where'd Shane go to?
Family business.
[music playing]
If he's not back in time, you're in, right?
Leave the talking to me.
Sit there, and do your best to look 15.
I am 15.
Lippy off and less tit.
Don't worry.
I'm not interested in young girls or kids.
I mean, I do like them, you know what I mean?
I love them, not in a pedo way.
Just--
Now remember calm, collected, leave the talking to me.
[music playing]
You've passed the CRB check, and the local authority
are happy for Tonya to stay with you and Shane
for the time being.
It's nice to see a family reunited, just
a shame about the circumstance.
I just need to check on a few details.
Just you and Shane in residence?
Just the two of us?
But relatives drop in all the time in our busy house.
But no overnight stays though Shane.
They'd need CRB clearance to be allowed
to stay overnight with a LAC.
I wish you wouldn't call me that.
Looked-After Child.
Sorry.
We'll make sure no one stays while she's here.
With a little luck and a lot of help,
your dad should be able to sort himself out,
and you'll be back with him before you know it.
There was talk of Tonya getting her own place
once she reaches 16.
Well, she'd need to get her son out of the care system
to be guaranteed counsel accommodation.
I'm sure there's no need for me to remind
you of the history of neglect.
Hardly neglect.
Her mama died, her dad were in prison, and she had no cash.
The baby was malnourished.
KELLY: So was she.
She's 15.
Which is why we've decided to give her a second chance.
Programmed to respond as its real-life counterpart.
[baby sounds]
I did tell Tonya about it last time we met.
There's a memory chip that records everything.
So if she keeps the doll happy, she'll get her kid back.
It'll go in her favor.
You can't compare a baby with a piece of plastic.
If she loses her rag on this, there's no harm done.
If she does the same with Enrico,
there is a court case and negligence
allegations all around.
And we don't want that, do we?
I think Tonya has been through more than enough
over the past few months, don't you?
[crash]
Hey there!
Whoa!
MAN: Eddie, come on. Come on.
WOMAN: Come on, Eddie.
MAN: Come on, man.
Go on, Eddie.
Go on, lad.
One more.
Go on!
MAN: Got another step, mate, come on.
Go on.
[cheers]
[applause]
Drinks on the house!
[music playing]
They say he grew new legs.
What do you think he is, a fucking newt?
Trip to the Shrine of Saint Boniface,
the sacrament in France?
Remember, the whip-round we had.
Boniface saw a vision of the Virgin Mary, 10 years
in a wheelchair, got to the Holy Grotto,
took four men to lower him into the waters and not one
to get him out, because he walked.
He walked, Libby, he walked.
Yeah, and his wheelchair had a re-spray and new tires.
Mock all you like.
God works in mysterious ways.
Get yourself over there, Patty, and try it out.
What do you make of that one?
When God first saw fit to confine me to this contraption,
I prayed every day, every night, pleaded,
begged, bargained far away out.
He wasn't listening.
Home, Libby.
Well, we've only just got here.
There's online bingo.
I want to go home now.
OK, I go home alone.
If I'm mugged, raped, don't hold yourself responsible.
Don't take it all too heart.
She's got a lot to put up with stuck in that thing all day,
drive anyone round the bend.
Yeah.
[crash]
Oh, my god.
Get an ambulance.
Is he dead?
Oh, the irony.
KELLY: Play this right, and you'll
be just down the road from me.
I can help out Enrico and make sure dad keeps his distance.
Just go it alone.
She's a good kid.
She's like her mom.
Have the fillings out of your back teeth
before you realize you got your gob open.
Fuck!
Mickey, look after that till she gets back.
Well, I can't stay here all night.
I've got a rugby team booked in half an hour.
I can hardly drag Junior along, can I?
There's 30 quid in it for you.
I'll be back around midnight.
Don't wait up, bye.
[baby crying]
[door knock]
Me me.
Oh, Jamie said to come straight up.
Of course come in, sit down.
Drink?
Vodka tonic.
It's going to be one of those talks, is it?
The pilgrimage you organized for Steady
Eddie, the fundraiser.
What about it?
If it isn't too much trouble, I mean, if it is,
just let me know if I'm overstepping the mark.
I've always believed that God had a big black book,
and we each had a page, our whole lives mapped out for us
before we were even born.
Never had you marked down as a fatalist.
I was taught to accept whatever life threw at you,
and just get on with it.
Seeing Eddie walk got me thinking,
maybe miracles don't just happen to other people.
Maybe we're due one.
I know it's a long shot, but if there's even
the remotest possibility that it could work,
then I owe it to mom to try.
PUB OWNER: You owe it to yourself.
Looking after her 24/7 can't be too easy.
So you want to take her to France?
We haven't two pennies to rub together.
So we need to do a fundraiser, and I--
I just wouldn't even know where to begin.
So I was wondering, would you consider helping me?
I'll be on it.
Feck off.
I hate the frogs more than I hate the fecking Italians.
No.
She doesn't want to go.
She's hardly one of God's chosen, is she?
If she had lived a few hundred years ago,
she'd been permanently strapped to a fucking ducking stool.
It could work.
Bollocks.
For once, I agree.
LIBBY: Do it for me.
If ever I've meant more to you than just
being a skivvy, someone to feed and clothe
you, to wipe your a--
I'm eating.
PATTY: Libby, God's not going to look
favorably on the likes of me.
I was excommunicated the second I
fell in love with your father.
They think of me as nothing more than a sinner.
Well, I don't know.
Steady Eddie was doing time and again for exposing himself,
used to flash at the nuns up at St. Morriseys.
God had him back up on his in no time.
PATTY: And smited him with a coronary
that would have stopped an elephant in its tracks.
LIBBY: OK, let's put the faith issue to one side
and look at this as a break, two days
in the glorious French countryside, great hotel,
waited on hand and foot.
I never said I was a total nonbeliever--
once a Catholic--
IAN: Micky, it's 4 o'clock in the morning.
What the fuck are you doing?
[baby crying]
I'm doing a favor for Kelly.
Well, Tonya, really.
Well, have you gone through his checklist?
No.
You've got these at the hospital, and you've fed it.
Fed, watered, and bathed.
Oh, just put it in the back of the car.
Maybe the engine will knock it out.
Kate used to love that when she was little.
That's the theory.
Let us know how it goes.
IAN: For fuck's sake, Micky.
[music playing]
Kel.
[knock]
Micky.
[knock]
[baby crying]
You woke him up now.
I only got him off half an hour ago.
I can't take him.
I'm going to school.
I don't give a fuck where you're going.
I'll get the piss ripped out of me
for turning with that thing.
Please, Kel.
I didn't sign up for this.
You said you'd pick him up by midnight.
Get to school. I'll sort it.
[baby crying]
I know it's a pain in the ass.
But you know how important this is.
Can't you take it into work?
Get one of the girls to look after it.
Tanya doesn't know how I earn a wage,
and I'd like to keep it that way.
20 quid a day.
30, and then 50 bonus if the baby's
memory card is like a dream at the end of the week, please.
She's a pain in the ass.
KELLY: I know.
But she's my sister.
She's family, Micky.
I owe her, and I'll owe you, bigtime.
You're just using your feminine wiles
to tickle my heartstrings.
Is it working?
[siren]
[music playing]
I'm sorry, OK, I am just tired.
[music playing]
[baby crying]
Will you lot keep it down?
No wonder he won't settle!
Little tip for you, when my Rocky was about his age
and wouldn't sleep, I used to hold
a small pillow over his face, just till he nodded off like.
What?
Like I'm the only one?
[music playing]
I get more out of him than I ever thought possible.
I'm quite attached.
Don't tell Madame that.
We'll never see her again.
[kiss]
You'd be a nice dad.
Trustworthy.
And how about you?
I was thinking of adopting a while back.
I don't think I'd make a very good parent somehow.
Never much which by the way of example.
What time you call this?
Went for a coffee with a mate, Gavin, sorry.
The social get wind of you treating
this place like an hotel, and you'll be back
in care before you know it.
MICKY: Your tea is burning.
I've been calling you, but it goes straight to voicemail.
But it's like you're not interested.
I can cope with it, but what he's going to make it,
God only knows.
Micky, he's not real.
It's what he represents.
Enrico is in care for a reason.
They don't think you can look after him.
What if they're right?
Come on, do be too hard on yourself.
The moment that mom died, you was on your own.
I'm not now, am I?
It's time I got my act together--
concentrate and get my son back.
I was going to go out.
This bloke I've just hooked up with,
eyes gorgeous, Micky, like somebody out of a boy band.
Yeah?
Which one?
Eh?
I'll send him a text and tell him it's over.
The least you can do is tell him to his face.
I'll cover for you. - Really?
Go on.
Do you want me to take Kenny?
He's due a feed in an hour.
[baby crying]
Ladies and gents, the star attraction's arrived.
[cheers]
[applause]
We've got 500 quid to raise, so we better
get started with our Slave for a Day Auction.
Looking very smart, Carl.
Off into town after this.
On the poll?
Might get lucky.
If you don't, and you come by my place, and the light's on,
give us a knock.
You are familiar with the term MILF, Carl?
75 pounds.
[cheers]
85.
[applause]
Any advance on 85?
95.
[cheers]
[applause]
Once, twice, sold.
[applause]
550.
Yeah, come on, ladies.
Libby has assured me he's got a cracking bedside manner.
575.
560?
On it's own, number 1.
Oh!
Nice.
[applause]
[metal clanging]
PUB OWNER: Once on 80?
Any advance on 80?
Take your fucking shirt off.
35!
40!
45!
Once, twice, sold!
[cheers]
[applause]
Hey, hey!
Yay!
[inaudible].
FRANK: Hey.
I've wanted this for years, a chance for mom to be OK.
What will I do, Frank?
This is all I've ever known.
If it works, it's down to me, and I don't know what to do
or how to do it.
Yeah, just because you want something
doesn't say that you're going to get it.
I mean, I've been hankering for a threesome with Jordan
and Katey Price for donkey's ears.
I can't see it happening.
She's made every decision for me, decided
every move I've ever made.
And you decided to take it her to France,
and if him upstairs actually grants us a fucking miracle,
and she comes back under her own steam,
I want you doing cartwheels up that road,
because you'll be free, eh?
Free.
[music playing]
[metal clanging]
We've reached the target!
[cheers]
[applause]
[door knock]
Shane.
Patrick.
Shane.
Micky.
Shane.
Micky.
Julie.
Kelly.
Shit.
[door knock]
Ton?
Fuck!
Please don't punish Tonya for my mistake.
She's got no one.
She's got me.
I thought she had you.
Julie, I know you've got a job to do, and for what it's worth,
I think you do it brilliantly.
But you must know that sometimes, things
don't go as planned, and can't you just
turn a blind eye this once.
The only person who really suffers, the only one
being punished is Tonya.
SHANE: Well, I'll help out as well, you know?
Between the both of us, we'll make sure she's
safe, never on her own.
Come on, everybody deserves a break.
Just one.
Please.
Just one.
If you fuck this up, she's back in care.
Have you got that?
If my bosses find out about your father-in-law.
Is-- is the flat still a possibility?
As long as that memory card reads like we need it too.
Wagons roll.
[inaudible] suitcase.
[inaudible].
There you go.
Don't come back with frogs' legs.
Yeah.
FRANK: All right, hey, get as much back here as you can.
Do it cheap in France.
You ram a few packs down your knickers.
I'm not going. [thud]
What?
You said I should start living,
and I want to start living so bad, Frank, so bad.
What if I get there, and it fails?
What if God takes one look at her
and says, no, not you, not today?
PATTY: Libby!
I couldn't stand it, couldn't.
Well, I want the old witch out of here just as much as you do,
but there's no way on this Earth she's going to get
there on her own, is there?
Which is why you're taking her.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, she's your mom, not mine.
You can cope better if it succeeds or fails.
You don't give a shit either way.
Your bag's packed.
Oh, look, because of the effect that she has on you,
on us, I want a miracle too.
But I want it for you.
Then go.
Because if you don't, I'm out of here.
[music playing]
This is madness, and you know it.
I disagree.
I'd also like to prefix that by saying,
I do not believe in God.
I am secular.
Latin, meaning of the age.
Are you truly of the age, Frank?
Could you just not be arsed aligning
yourself to something that might require any kind of effort?
See you tonight.
Early light, she says.
Finished with my fellow, she says.
The social worker's been.
I can't believe you've been so stupid.
TONYA: Stupid.
I was not fucking stupid.
I didn't even know I was having a baby.
I went into hospital thinking I had appendicitis.
Can you believe that?
The nurses laughed at me.
Laughed.
I want my son.
And I don't miss him.
And I can't stand to have him anywhere near me.
I love him, and I hate him.
Maybe the best thing would be to let him go.
I don't know.
What do I do?
Tonya, I'm not that proud myself.
You just need some help.
Listen, what about the dad?
My dad.
He's not allowed anywhere near me.
No, not your dad, the baby's dad.
Don't tell anyone, please.
Don't tell Kelly.
Please, Micky, for the baby's sake, for Enrico, please.
OK, I won't.
[music playing]
I'm sorry.
So you should be, you daft sod.
I'll go and get packing.
You've had a reprieve.
Julie's turned a blind eye.
You will be staying here, and as soon as you hit 16,
the flat is yours.
What about Enrico?
The way Micky's looking after Kanye,
you'll have him back by the end of the week.
Go and get showered.
You stink of fags and booze.
Go on.
[door knock]
Kelly?
So where is she, then?
I told you to keep your distance.
I told you not to come anywhere near--
I'm getting a bit sick of being told what to do.
Now, you're going to do some listening.
I am here to stay, and I want to see my little girl.
She's the only family I've got apart from you.
And we all know what you are, don't we?
They're moving her.
I'll find her, just like I found her when they moved her
in with you, just like I found the man
when she tried to get away, just like I found your mom.
If you fucking hurt her--
- What are you going to do? - I'll tell him.
No you won't.
I'll tell him!
You'll tell him, and I'll tell him it was down to you.
Me, pissed, you climb into bed.
I didn't know who you were until it was too late.
Everyone knows what you are and what you do.
Who do you reckon they're going to believe?
[MUSIC - "YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND"]
Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have.
The skirtings could do another once over.
Lillian, I've done it three times.
Mistress, remember, I own you slave.
It was a charity auction.
I'll give you the cash back--
LILLIAN: Pixie, have you got any jobs for Carl?
Oh, have I.
Skirtings, yeah.
[smack]
I was told we'd be staying in a hotel.
[tower bells]
Tell me there's been some terrible mistake.
They've dropped us off at the wrong place.
FRANK: Uh, excuse moi.
Bonjour.
NUN: [speaking french]
Shit!
There must be another room.
It's packed to the rafters with the faithful and deluded.
We shared it, because they were expecting Libby, not me.
But the only thing that got me here
was the thought of staying somewhere decent.
I'd imagined I'd be neck deep in a jacuzzi by now.
Remind me again why we're here.
For your daughter.
Look, you know, and I know there's
about as much chance of you walking as it is me
passing a liver function test.
Oh, come on.
Oh, dear. Hold this.
It's good for my cataracts.
I haven't got cataracts.
I rest my case.
[music playing]
Fancy a drink?
[music playing]
Ohh.
Praise the Lord.
SISTER PATRICK: Bonjour.
PATTY: Bonjour.
SISTER PATRICK: [speaking french]
PATTY: Ah, Sister Patrick, Father Francis.
He's deaf, mute, here for the cure.
We're just out for a breath of air.
S'il vous plait.
Not at all.
I will pray for you.
PATTY: We need all the help we can get.
Thank you.
Fucking hell.
[music playing]
[door slam]
Tonya's out with her mates.
Been calling your mobile.
I'm out of credit.
She told me about the Soce.
About her staying with us till she hits 16 and gets
her own flat.
That's on account of the good job you're doing with Kanye.
I think it's a good idea.
I mean, they're looking after a kid.
She's still a kid herself.
Maybe the best thing will be for Enrico
to stay in care until she feels better to look after him.
Maybe the best thing would be for--
maybe she'll let him get adopted--
will give him a chance.
She said your dad wasn't proper with her.
Was he proper with you?
So she'll be picking him up in an hour.
[water running]
[bubbling]
Hey, you missed a good night last night.
Cracking that.
- Vodka straight. - On the hard stuff?
Look, I can take an early tea break.
I'm fine, ta.
Top it off in there.
Drink it quick, then leave.
Hmm.
- In fact, just get out. - Is this a joke?
I know what you did to your daughters.
And I know who you are.
Fuck you.
Oh, Liam, maybe we should wait.
Until your mom comes back doing the can can?
LIBBY: Oh, ye of little faith.
I'm being cautious.
There are many reasons why him upstairs
mightn't give us what we want.
The most probably being that there's no him upstairs.
There's not even an upstairs.
How do you get to be so cynical at your age?
How do you get to be so gullible at yours?
It's not gullibility.
It's desperation.
And I know you understand a lot of things at your age
that you shouldn't, but I hope that's not one of them.
Nothing to look forward to.
This doesn't work.
You'll think I'm an idiot.
You're many things, but you're not an idiot.
Now, grab the big 'un.
[music playing]
FRANK: You know, Libby expects a miracle, don't you?
She won't get one, the stupid girl.
Quite.
I don't know why she thinks as much of you as she does,
you know.
I'm her mother.
Her kids are programmed.
Didn't you love yours?
I can't hardly remember her.
I remember loving her.
I suppose I still do.
PATTY: When did you lose her?
12.
Oh.
FRANK: The headmaster called me into his office.
And Dad was there, and he says, your mom has died,
just like that.
And she missed out on all those special years.
Well, they were not special.
She didn't stick it out and see me--
slip.
Well, not so much of a slip, more of a fucking Cresta Run,
downhill slalom, call it what you fucking will.
Maybe if she'd been there, it wouldn't have happened.
[tower bell]
Calling the faithful to their knees?
Hmm.
Fancy joining them?
[music playing]
A little present from your daughter.
Shit!
[dialing]
Shane, get to the jockey toilets quick.
I need a hand.
[music playing]
What I wouldn't give for that kind of faith.
Well, no, there's something happening
here, Patty, no denying it.
It's mass hysteria without the hysterics.
The desperate will try anything and praying
to a God that doesn't exist being top of the list.
What's happened there then?
See, that is not the same guy who was just lowered
into that water just now.
It's-- it's, you know, changing him.
You can see it.
He feels better, because he's been told he will,
because he wants to, plus evil.
[non-english speech]
Your turn soon.
You actually think I'm going to participate
in this pantomime?
[music playing]
NUN: [speaking french]
[splash]
PRIEST: [speaking french]
God!
Jesus!
PRIEST: [speaking french]
NUN: [speaking french]
Oh, get off me, you stupid French--
[inaudible]
Remember Agincourt?
Hey, Waterloo!
Waterloo!
[speaking french]
Give me a ring when you're done.
[groan]
Been wondering what to do with you, Homer.
My initial reaction was to kill you straight way, too quick.
So I came up with this.
[groan]
[drill sound]
[scream]
I'll get these.
One party has agreed.
We had a deal.
My family.
Thanks, bro.
Vodka and tonic, double, please.
Make it two.
Are you OK now?
Cheers, mate.
Good.
Mickey, any idea where your dad and your brothers
have got to.
They had a bit of a business to sort in Liverpool,
last minute stuff.
PUB OWNER: They've been hours.
Shane said they might take a quick ferry across the Mersey
while we were there.
PUB OWNER: Used to love doing that when they were kids.
[music playing]
Didn't work.
Did you really expect it to?
I thought it might.
Welcome back, mom.
Miss me?
Of course.
You've never been a good liar, Libby, never been that good
at anything, really, have you?
I hope something decent in for tea.
The French could eat anything-- frogs,
snails, cheese with maggots in.
Would you believe?
Hello.
Yeah, yeah, I landed about 10 minutes ago.
Yeah.
What the fuck is she doing now?
[music playing]
Come on.
FRANK: Oh, come on.
I thought I saw someone I knew.
Go home, now.
FRANK: Get in the back.
PATTY (VOICEOVER): We all desire things we can never have.
Thank you.
PATTY (VOICEOVER): Have goals we can never
achieve, winning the lottery, flying to the moon, bedding
the best looking girl or boy in town.
- There we go. - [inaudible].
Thank you.
PATTY (VOICEOVER): But I'd never even try
to make my dreams reality, couldn't bear
the thought of failing.
It's worth a try.
PATTY (VOICEOVER): I couldn't bear to be reminded
of just how ordinary I am.
LILLIAN: Oh, if I were 10 years younger
PATTY (VOICEOVER): Give me fantasy over reality any day.
[music playing]
Night, night, son.
BABY: Night, night, dad.
[static]
[music playing]