[music playing]
[theme music]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace--
Oy!
--kids needing money or wives in your face?
'Cause this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented-- to calm us all down, to stop us going mental.
[screaming]
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads.
[whack]
But you pay the taxes.
[laughing]
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd cum on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.
[laughing]
Scatter!
I had double maths today.
We had to make up our own sums.
Peter Brannigan calculated how many times
a bloke will masturbate during their lifetime.
Didn't use that word, though.
Got a detention.
I worked out the total number of days I
spent with Mum before she left.
Twice.
Hiya, love.
Came to 1,976.
Made your favorite.
Not great when you consider I've been on the planet
for 4,382.
Makes you want to become self-sufficient.
You know, cope with stuff on your own.
Means no one will ever let you down again.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, it's 5,783--
the number of times a bloke will, you know.
What they teach you at that school?
How to be a twat?
She's been cooking that all afternoon.
I didn't ask her to.
She's bending over backwards for you.
Show some respect.
She's trying to impress Dad.
She needs a roof over her head.
Grow up.
They're here to stay, so get used to it.
I'll give them a month.
Stella loves having them here.
Never seen her so happy.
Sleeping through for the first time ever.
Don't fuck it up for her.
[door slams]
[doorbell ringing]
Hold your friggin' horses.
[knocking]
[doorbell ringing]
Dad found out I'm gay.
Left a porno in the bathroom and he went schizo.
He did that?
- I'm going 'round there. - No you're not.
It sound like he's lost the plot.
Well didn't Mum do anything?
BRUCE: She wasn't there.
She hasn't been for a month.
She's run off with another bloke.
MAXINE: And nobody bothered to tell me?
Thanks.
I don't want to go back there until he's calmed down.
Stay here for a few days.
Cheers, mate.
You can sleep with me.
Top to tail.
BRUCE: So, how did your dads react when they found out?
What they don't know?
I'm just waiting for the right moment, you know.
There's no point in telling them anymore.
What do you mean?
We're seeing each other.
BRUCE: Fuck me!
So you're bi?
Just found the right person.
[gagging]
Hey, greedy ass, you going to pass that or what?
Nah.
[music playing]
I didn't hear your dad come in.
He didn't.
So who's that for, then?
Me.
No you don't. It's illegal.
You can't tell me what to do.
What is it with you lately, Liam?
Do you know what?
Don't bother speaking at all if you're going
to be a cheeky little prick.
Night, love.
Now that's what I call service.
[music playing]
I'll be wanting some money off this.
A dent in it.
Yeah, I know.
I saw you do it.
Full price.
10 pence cheaper at Cost Chopper.
Well then piss off to Cost Chopper, then!
I'll be buying my girls condoms elsewhere and all!
You're going to have to stop taking your sexual frustration
out on your customers.
Jamie still making the earth move?
Yeah I've got a great sex life, thanks.
Really?
So when did you last cum?
[music playing]
[moaning]
How many times, Joe?
It's over.
You're doing my fucking head in.
This is getting sorted out.
[door locking]
It's already sorted.
I'm with the bloke that I want to be with.
Yeah?
Deal with it.
Right,
[door unlocking]
I will.
[door slamming]
[music playing]
Morning, love.
Made any friends at big school?
You're welcome to invite them back for tea.
As long as they aren't gingas.
LIBBY: What about your breakfast?
I'm all right.
I'm worried about him.
Worry's like a rocking chair.
Gives you something to but never fucking gets you anywhere.
Needs his cherry popping.
I think it's obvious what his behavior is signifying.
He needs mothering.
Have to bloody find her first.
[music playing]
- Bit early, isn't it? - Yeah.
I'm still a bit of pain.
Now, you need to be discreet to survive around here.
If anyone finds out you're a mincer your life
won't be worth living.
[music playing]
So just follow my lead.
And if a bloke catches you perving--
What you looking at, you faggot?
There's only one way out of it.
I don't know, but you're looking at Maguire.
[smack]
Bruce!
[doorbell ringing]
I don't know what you bothered changing the locks for.
I never want to step foot in here again.
CAMERON: So he thought he'd come crawling to you?
Well he couldn't exactly get very far, could he?
You haven't got a bloody clue what
things have been like here.
Turning your back on your own son?
He smokes that marijuana shit from the minute he wakes up.
He's like the walking dead.
All right.
So you chucked him out for being a stoner?
CAMERON: He needed a wake up call, the loser.
Coward!
You're just making up excuses to cover up for the fact
that you threw him out because he's gay.
Bruce is what?
Pathetic.
I'm just glad Mum's seen the light at last.
She should've left you years ago.
What, you going to give me a crack as well?
What the fuck has he been telling you?
[door creaking]
[door slamming]
[music playing]
I'm going to call the police.
He's probably at homework club or something.
It's nearly 10.
He could be at a friend's.
I don't like this, he's not been himself.
[sigh]
[door closing]
Oh cheers.
Great welcome.
LIBBY: Liam's not home from school yet.
Probably run off.
Wouldn't be the first time.
I knew a lad ran away to London once.
Ended up living in the slums, forced into a life of crime.
Uh yeah.
That'll be Oliver Twist. [can opening]
He'll be back when he wants feeding.
You ever thought of entering father of the year?
PATTY: You read about all sorts these days.
Anything could have happened to him.
You're a proper little ray of sunshine, Patty, you know that?
[door opening]
Oh, thank God!
We thought you were on a train headed somewhere exotic.
So where have you been?
Out.
LIBBY: I thought we could go into town on Saturday.
Just you and me.
Who's she?
CARL: She's Wayne Dobson's little sister.
LIAM: What's she doing here?
I thought you two could go upstairs and play.
I'm 11.
No.
I mean go and play.
[music playing]
Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?
So, were you in the army?
RAF.
What plane did you fly?
Spitfire.
What was the name of your squadron?
This is worse than the bloody gestapo.
You-- Your school said it'd only take a half hour.
I don't want to do this any more than you do.
I wanted to do one from World War I, but they're all dead.
Stupid bloody soldiers and stupid bloody wars.
Uh huh.
"We make war that we may live in peace."
Aristotle.
Whatever.
Be a lot less bother if people actually talked.
Told each other what was wrong.
Like Churchill said, "Less war war, more jaw jaw."
[wheezing]
Piss off if you're going.
[music playing]
How long have you got?
I said piss off.
No.
[oxygen releasing]
You've done this before.
I'm surrounded by cabbages at home.
I better go.
Your teacher said you'd fail this module if you
didn't get this assignment in.
Come tomorrow, huh?
Let yourself in.
Any time.
Huh?
Do you ever get any gay boys in here?
Only the ones who like hospital food.
What you drinking?
Better have a pint.
Two pints, please, Karen.
[change clattering]
Straight enough for you?
You know, mate, you don't have to go overboard.
Mum, this is Bruce, Maxine's brother.
He' staying with us.
About time we had a bit of eye candy around here, eh, Karen?
Mimi McGuire.
Oh, Katie's nana?
You must really miss her.
Feel like I've had me heart ripped out.
I hear she doted on you.
I was always in her nightmares.
Saving her from the monsters, like.
Good-looking lad like you could have
her with the click of a finger.
She's not got the right bits.
He means she's not his type.
You know, he likes big tits, you know, like fried eggs.
I'm gay.
[music playing]
Ugh.
Better stick some Kylie on the jukebox for the fudge-packer.
[laughing]
[shocked cheering]
He only went and told everyone he's a Mary.
I just wish you'd had a bloody decency to tell me first.
I'm not really.
CAMERON: I saw you in the pub.
BRUCE : I was just having a laugh.
Then why did you tell everyone that's why I kicked you out?
I kicked him out to force him to sort himself out.
Make-up. - You snidey little--
Look, we all tell porkies occasionally.
He's not a doctor.
He isn't anything.
[door opening]
You complete fuck-up.
I needed somewhere to stay.
Just go!
[thud]
Going to miss footie practice tonight.
You miss footie?
He must be seeing a bird.
Well, are you?
Yeah.
Mimi, any chance of you sticking this one on the slate?
Same chance as me sitting on your face.
The milk of human kindness curdles and turns slowly sour.
Yes, mate?
Pint and a whisky chaser.
Double.
[music playing]
It's like a jungle out there.
Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under.
[sigh]
So, well, they say a problem shared is a problem halved.
Get him a drink.
Oh, cheers.
You're the gent.
Frank Gallagher.
Ian's Father?
- Well, sort of. - Cameron Donnelly.
Maxine's dad.
Oh-ho, the meeting of the in-laws!
Mimi, line them up.
We need to celebrate the coming together of two noble tribes.
Great.
Cheers, mate.
[cash register closing]
[sigh]
[burp]
So, either your missus has left you
or you just discovered your son's a poof.
Both [music playing]
Shit.
Two emergency Es, Mimi.
What would you do if you found out your son was bent?
Actually I don't think I'd mind.
Well, it has it's advantages, doesn't it?
They don't have nippers, so you haven't got robbing
grandkids bleeding you dry.
They've got lots of got lots of girlie mates,
so you've got plenty to ogle at.
And statistically they die younger,
you know AIDS and shit.
You may come into a bit of money.
Plus you never have to run a Hoover
across the house again-- they like a nice, clean home,
don't they?
Hey, what-- what would you do, Paddy?
If you discovered one of your lads was a fruit?
I'd do the right thing.
Put him out of his misery.
[music playing]
[lighter flicking]
You're going to fucking night school.
What the hell are you doing following me?
Just wanted to see what she looked like.
Where is she?
Finishing off a macrame basket?
What's this?
I have to write down all the times I get narked.
I'm doing an anger management course.
Yeah right.
So there's no girlfriend?
Look, if you're doing this for me.
I'm not.
I need to sort myself out.
I know I've got a problem.
KAREN: You could've told me.
It's none of your business.
Well it is if you're talking about me in there.
I talk about me.
You can't do this on your own.
I can help.
Leave it!
[music playing]
[laughter]
Oh, thank the lord.
I phoned all the hospitals, Frank.
That's a strange habit.
CARL: Like a dog--
always finds his way home eventually.
Come and sit down.
Oh!
[laughing]
Hey, I didn't know the Tories knew how to party.
(CHEERING) Cameron, Cameron, Cameron!
CARL: Where were you again last night?
I think he's got a girlfriend.
Oh.
We don't all need admiration to mask our insecurities.
No, no, it's not-- it's not a problem if she's a minger, son.
We all-- we all have to start somewhere.
I was at Reggie's.
CARL: Bring this Reggie around.
I want to see if he's as geeky as you.
He can't walk.
Well you don't want to be hanging around
with a raspberry ripple, son.
It's crap for your street cred.
He doesn't go to my school.
Oh, even worse!
Kid from another school, you got to beat the shit out of them!
[grunting]
Oh, don't do that again, sir.
Dominate--
He doesn't go to any school.
He's 84.
What are you doing spending all your time
with a coffin-dodger for?
You know what for.
You signed the consent form for school.
I just don't show up on your radar, do I?
Who is he?
Where's he live?
Come here.
Give me the bag.
Give me-- give me the bag!
[laughing]
No!
It's mine.
CARL: What is this? When did this come?
Get off, Frank.
(ANGRILY) We're all worried sick about her
and you kept this to yourself?
Easy, Carl.
Four days ago!
Debbie sent it to me.
It's mine, it's private!
"Dear Liam, hope you lot haven't
burned the bloody house down.
By the time you read this I'll be in Afghanistan.
Just been told I've been posted there."
[music playing]
Is this what you've been worried about?
Liam!
(DISTRAUGHT) Afghanistan.
If you need to talk--
[door slams]
REGGIE: If you're after getting something
off your chest, some sort of touchy-feely nonsense,
you've come to the wrong place.
All I'm after is a bit of privacy, so that's fine by me.
You're having a bad time?
Don't worry, it won't last forever.
What the hell's this?
It's for you, helping with my project.
You shouldn't go wasting your money.
I've-- I've got enough shit in this places as it is.
Oh.
What was it like?
Flying?
I don't want to talk about it.
[planes flying]
[music playing]
I've heard a lot of pilots find
it hard to cope after the war.
They missed it so much.
[siren wailing]
[explosion]
LIAM: Reggie?
Reggie!
Huh.
You're the only person I know who enjoys Meals on Wheels.
LIAM: Why do you get them delivered?
Legs don't work.
No one to push me since I lost the wife.
LIAM: Why don't you ask for some help?
I like to keep myself to myself.
I like a bit of privacy.
[music playing]
[pop]
Two little ducks, 22.
Kelly, love, Libby wants a word.
It's about Liam.
What's up?
He's just really withdrawn.
Plus he's lost his appetite.
I thought he might open up to you.
Young and keen, number 15.
How's he doing at schools?
Has he made any friends?
Not really.
But he has befriended a retired gentleman.
Always around there.
LILLIAN: S and M. Number 10.
What's wrong?
Well, why would an old geezer want to spend
time with an 11-year-old boy?
I'll have a word.
[pop]
LILLIAN: Danny La Rue, 52.
Where have they all come from?
Autumn Days.
Nursing home on Brewer Lane.
LILLIAN: Sister-in-law works there.
She's give me the entertainment budget.
They keep forgetting to cross off the bloody numbers.
Senile! [pop]
[thud]
[gasping]
[grunting]
Frank Gallagher!
[music playing]
[plane engines roaring]
REGGIE: Sky, speed, adrenaline--
the best thrill, the purest high, of my entire life.
Feel it. Feel it.
Feel it, lad.
That energy, that strength-- that's how we lived.
That's how we got through it.
Grasp every opportunity.
Take it and squeeze every second out of every minute,
out of every hour, out of every day,
knowing it could be your last.
No!
REGGIE: Every bullet that whistled through the air,
every streak of fire that flew through the enemy guns could
mean you'd be over, like that.
[explosion]
Faces melted, blown apart, torn limb from limb.
The screams, the pleas.
"You would not tell with such high zest
to children ardent for some desperate glory, the old lie."
[speaking latin]
My sister's just been sent to Afghanistan.
I'm sorry.
But that's how it is.
[cereal spilling]
Nutter's flipped again.
(ANGRILY) Karen, what the fuck?
What?
There's a free Engie Benjy in selected boxes.
He's Connor's favorite.
Not our lucky day, eh?
Sorry about the mess.
Hey, hey, hey.
How much did you get for her?
Ha, ha.
You OK, kiddo?
I, uh, hear you've got a new friend.
Where'd you get the cash for all that?
Used my dinner money.
You get free meals.
How did the interview go?
All right.
OK.
God, I don't know.
Well, they'd be stupid not to take you on.
What does a head cleaner do, anyway?
Get a bigger brush?
You did the right thing.
He needs to stand on his own two feet.
(ANGRILY) Chucking your own brother out on the streets?
Homophobe!
What can I get for you?
IAN: Two pints.
Vodka and Coke.
Has he said anything about me?
Only that you made him very welcome.
Considering he's a royalty-loving
right-wing nonce, your dad's quite a laugh, isn't he?
You've me my dad?
FRANK: Met?
He was Sonny to my Cher.
Portland Street Hotel.
We're barred.
Oh.
It's nice to know he's busy enjoying himself.
I don't think he's coping very well.
That's why he needed some medicinal support.
Listen, as much as we care about our kids,
we don't always do the right thing by them.
Even I have been neglectful on occasion.
He doesn't give a shit about me.
He never has.
You see, that's where you're wrong.
You leaving home and living with us was
a kick in the teeth for him.
He said so himself.
Listen, you're going to have to act
straight when you're serving.
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, it's a good job
I left my Lycra hot pants at my dad's, then, isn't it?
Punters aren't used to it.
Don't usually get ass-bandits around here.
I'm not the only bloke in this places who gets a stiffy
watching the rugby league.
[crash]
Hi, son.
[music playing]
[doorbell ringing]
[door unlocking]
Excuse me.
What the?
What?
Your mother's left me up shit creek.
When did you last eat?
I can't remember.
Right, get your ass in the bath.
Tea'll be ready when you come down.
And chuck your dirty washing down the stairs.
[music playing]
Did time outs tonight.
Leaving a situation whenever you start to feel uptight.
Yeah, well, I think it's a load of touchy-feely bollocks.
Well, it's working.
As you've already seen.
I can see why your Liam likes going to that old boy's house.
Spoiling him rotten.
Bags of sweets.
Thought he'd be chuffed, but looked far from chuffed
when I just saw him.
FRANK: Vroom, vroom, vroom!
[laughing]
(ANGRILY) Frank, what are you doing with that?
FRANK: Found it in the yard.
Vroom!
So why's that old bloke been giving you sweets?
FRANK: Button it up, Jenson.
He might be a perv, Liam.
Evolution just passed you by, didn't it, Carl?
He touched you?
Yeah.
LIAM: Where?
Living room, kitchen.
- Where? - Here!
In here!
Carl, Carl, you can't go accusing people.
Look what happened when everyone thought
you'd murdered that lad.
[mumbling]
He's helping with my history project,
and he's one of the few people who
isn't constantly on my back! - And what's it about?
World War II?
What a bloody waste of time that was!
Frank!
[music playing]
FRANK: Well, what was the point of us winning?
You might not be able to hear the sound
of marching jackboots, but it is still oppression!
It might be best if you don't go around there anymore, love.
We can help you with your project.
Pathetic fucking mates.
It makes you wonder why all those fucking brave soldiers
gave their lives, when you look around at the modern landscape
of loutishness and disorder!
It's going cold.
I'm not hungry.
Whatever.
You know, Bruce is still the same person.
He's queer.
It's not what I hoped for.
What every father hopes for.
Why did you make up a pathetic lie about Ian being a doctor?
My school reports all said the same thing.
Maxine lacks confidence.
I've only ever encouraged you.
Shouting at me for coming second at sports day?
You could've won.
Have
I got Ian to lie because I wanted you to think
I've made something of myself.
Don't blame me for your under-achieving.
You never pushed yourself.
I'm a glorified cleaner at that hospital.
I clean floors like no other.
I take pride in my work.
I applied for a promotion to be head cleaner.
I didn't get it.
My boss said I lack confidence.
I tried ringing Mum.
Her phone's dead.
Ah, I bet your dead pleased, aren't you?
Seeing all the boys settle down.
It's just this one to marry off now.
You not brought any women home to see your mum lately?
No he keeps them all to himself.
Heard all about them, though.
Oh yeah?
Well, there was that fiery redhead.
Got a bit obsessive, didn't she, son?
Yeah.
MIMI: Then there was that stunning blonde.
But she dumped him.
Sat in his room listening to Whitney for weeks.
Aw, bless.
Hm.
Do you want another beer?
Anyone would think you're keeping tabs on me.
[sobbing]
Sorry, son.
Can't have a screamer collecting debts.
No!
Couldn't get rid of you last night.
It's a shame you fell asleep, because, uh, me and your mum--
we were up talking for hours.
[music playing]
I want a word with you, soft lad!
[sobbing]
No!
Ah!
(ANGRILY) What's this I've heard about you
not flushing after a shit?
Anyone would think you were dragged up!
[cellphone ringing]
[door slamming]
[music playing]
Hm.
Huh?
Silly cow burnt my school shirt.
Been getting the rise taken out of me all day.
Oh, get some new ones, huh?
I can't take it with me.
My brother says you could be a pervert.
[laughing]
He's right.
But I haven't got the energy for it, lad.
You're safe. - I know.
Can I turn it up?
REGGIE: Yes.
Aren't you a bit hot in all that?
I'm fine.
We must never judge a man by his actions
until we know his motives.
I'm 84.
You can't show me anything I've not seen before.
Take it off.
[whoosh]
So, what little test have you got for me today?
I've realized I've been wanting everything my own way.
And so you should.
What you need is stability.
I just need time.
Got any extra long?
Bottom shelf.
I thought you weren't buying them here any more.
We've cleared Cost Chopper out.
We've had a few stag do's.
Can't we just go back to the way we were?
No.
I'll only ever be just a fuck to you.
I want more.
A wife, a family.
If I can't have a future with you,
then I'll have to have it with someone else.
LILLIAN: Have you not got any ribbed?
I like to treat my girls now and again.
Keeps the morale up.
She forgot her milk, dozy cow.
It's Debbie's.
My sister.
Ah.
It's the wife's.
I've worn it since the day she died.
Heh.
Here.
Reminds me of all we had, though.
She's just that bit closer.
A ring is symbolic.
Has no beginning no end.
I don't know what the fuck wearing a dress
is all about, though.
I can still smell her perfume.
The house used to smell of it on a Saturday night.
It doesn't any more, though.
I hope she makes it.
Hope she's one of the lucky ones.
Fetch the milk, would you?
[music playing]
[door closing]
Help me up, would you?
Ah!
I'm sorry, lad. I just--
I know what you were doing.
I trusted you!
Just--
I trusted you!
[music playing]
[door slamming]
I just can't stand it when you're in the supermarket
and somebody walks in front of you.
And you're like, hold on a minute.
Fuck off.
I've been here-- been waiting here ten minutes.
And the bastard just walked right in front
and then gets served.
[interposing voices]
WOMAN: Can I help you?
I'm Karen Pritchard.
Joe's wife.
[music playing]
Look, there's a room at my place if you want it.
Is that you making a pass at me?
No. You're not my type.
Take it or leave it.
Just stop threatening me, 'cause there's only so much I'll take.
You got that?
[bottles clanking]
Look, the thing about addicts is
they're just running away from who they really are,
and what they hate about themselves.
Just talk to him, calmly, civilized.
Bruce.
Why can't you be a man and just admit that you're are a faggot?
Although I realize that's a contradiction in terms.
OK.
I'm a big, fucking, screaming, faggot.
[whack]
That's not quite what I meant. Effective.
I just snap and see red.
And I've got to sort it out, 'cause it can't keep fucking
up all my relationships.
[music playing]
When I started seeing her it was a complete head-fuck.
Because I'd never felt like that about anybody before.
I made out it was just a bit of fun, 'cause I was shit scared.
WOMAN: Tell your wife.
I just want to get away from here.
A new life-- whatever it takes.
Free from the past.
After all this time we deserve a chance at happiness.
The three of us.
You, me, and our son, Connor.
[clearing throat]
Why are we here?
'Cause there's a right bloody draught in that lounge.
I meant, why are we here?
Oh.
I-- I don't think there is one definite reason.
Just got to find your own.
How?
Through your actions.
Making the world a better place for your family
and your-- your mates.
Especially when they need you most.
CARL: Where are you going?
Reggie's.
I'm sorry, Liam, no.
I was walking by earlier and I saw you in the dress.
(ANGRILY) What?
[whack]
No, Carl!
Carl, no!
You can't go jumping to conclusions.
Where does he live?
No!
(ANGRILY) Where does he live? Libby.
Don't!
I will find him and I'll kill him!
Keep him here.
[door slams]
[door locking]
[music playing]
I need to see him.
I need to!
[beep]
No, Mum, stop!
Don't do that, you know it--
[classical music playing]
[door opening]
[door closing]
It was just a bloody hug, lad.
I know.
[heavy breathing]
[oxygen releasing]
You need to get up.
It'll make you feel better.
It's too late.
No time.
Bags of time.
[slam]
(ANGRILY) Open the fucking door, now!
Open the fucking door, now!
Open the fucking door!
Open the door! - Liam!
Stop, please!
Liam!
Carl, no!
Stop!
(ANGRILY) Liam, get out here! [screaming]
Just get up.
Walk around the room a bit.
Come on!
[interposing voices]
Get up!
[whoosh]
[laughing]
[ding]
[plane flying]
He didn't.
He didn't, Carl.
LIBBY: We should call the police.
Not yet.
[sad music]
[whoosh]
LIAM (VOICEOVER): People are always
going to leave eventually, no matter how
much you don't want them to.
That's why you've got to enjoy them while they're here.
Doesn't matter how much time you actually spend with someone.
It's the fact you've spent time with them
at all that's important.
[theme music]
[beep]
[MUSIC - GNARLS BARKLEY, "CRAZY"]
Mhm.
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little
it looked like fun.
And it's no coincidence I've come.
And I can die when I'm done.
But maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe you're crazy.
Maybe we're crazy.
Probably.
Ooh.
[music playing]