[music playing]
[theme music]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
[cheering] Come and watch Pikeys making a mess of the lives they
were given by him upstairs, and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs. - Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing
money, or wives in your face.
Cause this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented, to calm us all down, and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny, we're grinding your axes.
You sit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth Buccaneers.
We'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs, now.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs, now!
[music playing]
[MUSIC - BLACK EYED PEAS, "SHUT UP"]
Shut up, just shut up, shut up.
Shut it up, just shut up shut up.
JAMIE (VOICEOVER): The two things my mum never allowed
us to do when we were nippers.
Potholing, because she's claustrophobic.
And riding a motorbike.
Cause her cousin Shirley came off hers on A34
when she was 16.
Broke her back in three places.
My old mate Kenny Morris had a Suzuki.
Used to try and make me ride on the back
so he could spin me around at 90 miles an hour,
and laugh at me bricking it.
When I kept refusing, we ended up falling out,
and he gave me a black eye.
When I lied to my mum about why he twatted me,
my dad called me a wimp for not giving him one back.
Early lesson in being a Maguire.
Sometimes you just can't win.
Where have you been?
Look at all this space.
We're not capitalizing.
We're not making the best of what we've got, here.
Hip and Thigh, Atkins, F1.
He made millions, millions.
We should do something.
Here?
Classes would make a fortune.
Better than spending 50 quid a month in some sweaty gym.
And I guarantee they'll love it.
What do you think?
You need your head testing.
See, that's why I love you, Jamie.
Your infectious enthusiasm, and zest for life.
Please, Paddy.
Please.
Just a bit more time.
- Leave her alone. - Stay out of this.
Chesney, no.
What's going on?
None of your business.
Ches, please.
Thursday. Every penny.
Understood?
Ever need a job, Chesney, give us a call.
[classical music playing]
Sorry--
--sorry.
[music playing]
Holly?
[music playing]
Aren't babies supposed to ruin your figure?
Oh, you can bang on about over-active thyroid,
big fucking bones, til you're blue in the face.
Sit on your ass all day, eat too many cakes,
you are going to get fat.
Simple.
Are you all right?
I'll take that as a no, then.
You've forgotten, haven't you?
What?
What's the big deal?
Mum and dad.
We arranged to go around.
We can still go, and all, can't we?
In that state? You're shit-faced.
Oh, since when did you become a wife?
Can I borrow some gel?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Will you ever forgive me?
Will I do?
Look, come on, babes.
Leave it, Carl.
What women say, and what women mean,
are usually two completely different things, Carl.
Don't you know that by now?
I said, no.
You've got to learn to attend to her needs, Carl.
Even an 11-year-old can work that one out.
Fancy a pint?
Bit early, innit?
Go on, then, son.
Fuck off.
Slippery slope.
[music playing]
Can't you just rearrange?
Tell them he's not well?
They're not going to be that angry, are they?
[crying]
All right, Sampson.
Are you going to fucking get it, or what?
Oh, yeah.
[gasping]
[music playing]
[man grunting]
[music playing]
Where's Connor?
Karen?
Connor?
You said Mum had him.
Well, you said you were taking him out.
No, I didn't.
[baby crying]
She did.
[music playing]
[baby cooing]
Oh, fuck.
Hey.
MIMI: What's going on?
Nothing.
You didn't know where he was.
He's fine, that's all that matters.
MIMI: Come on sunshine. - He's my sunshine.
You don't trust me?
Come on, leave them in peace.
You don't, do you?
[baby cooing]
[music playing]
Stan?
It's all right.
No it isn't.
Why'd you have to pick on him?
What?
It's got nothing to do with him.
Nothing to do with what?
Don't give me that crap.
I borrowed the money, not him.
Cool it, Yvonne.
So if you're going to smash anybody's face,
it should be mine, shouldn't it?
I don't know what you're on about.
Stan is battered.
That's got nothing to do with me.
I just need a bit more time.
48 hours.
That's plenty.
Plumber?
Leak?
Plumber, leak.
Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[music playing]
MAN (ON TV): Which I inherited some years ago.
When I saw this, it reminded me of the--
KAREN: Woo!
Come on, girls.
MAN (ON TV): So, I was wondering--
[MUSIC - KIM WILDE, "KIDS IN AMERICA"]
Looking out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city
go rushing by.
I sit here alone and I wonder why.
Friday night and everyone's moving.
I can feel the heat--
My empire starts here.
You can spin yourself thin with Karen Maguire.
[singing] The beat in this dirty town.
The young ones are going, downtown, the young ones
are going.
We're the kids in America, whoa.
Everybody live for the music go round.
[baby crying]
What time you on till?
Are things no better, then?
She keeps cutting me out.
Just blanking me.
It's a lot to take on board, mate.
What?
A few pints, and I miss a dinner with the in-laws?
Big fucking deal.
[music playing]
Eh, eh.
Do you have any money for charity?
MAN: Cheers, mate.
[music playing]
Hi.
Want to get the tram to town?
Get a burger or something?
Can't.
Why not?
Not allowed.
Veggie?
Knife crime.
Dad thinks I'll end up getting stabbed.
- Be all right with me. - Look after me, would you?
Protect me?
Do me best.
Fancy coming to mine for tea?
It's just tea, Liam.
Not a marriage proposal.
[music playing]
Bad move.
Borrowing off a Maguire?
I have no choice.
Only way I could pay to get this lot fixed after the fire.
Bank won't touch me.
I can help.
Do you mind if I kiss you before we go in?
Yeah.
I mean, what about your dad?
I'd sooner kiss you.
[music playing]
So, what does your mother do, Liam?
She's a nurse.
And what about your father?
He passed away.
Sorry, son.
It's not your fault. It was a long time ago.
Do you remember him?
He was a doctor.
Family of medics, eh?
He was a heart specialist.
Consultant in unexplained coronaries in young adults.
Really?
Pioneered three drug trials at the MRI.
He was offered two Clinical Excellence awards.
Fantastic.
When they gave him a three-page
spread in The Lancet we realized he was something special.
He was up for an MBE, but he was against the monarchy.
Said they were all a bunch of overpaid,
over-privileged idiots.
That's the only thing we disagreed on.
Personally I'm all for royal family.
A ray of life in such dark times.
Where they lead, we follow.
Don't you think?
Is it OK if me and Liam go upstairs for a bit,
listen to some music?
I think it's probably best that I get Liam back home,
now, Holly. - It's fine, thanks.
I'll walk.
Don't be silly.
Where do you live?
[music playing]
Thanks.
[music playing]
[rock music playing]
You should go and see her.
Is that what she said?
It's about her mom and dad.
She can piss off.
I said sorry.
I'm not groveling.
Carl, I'm only trying to help you.
You get yourself a proper bird for once,
and you fuck it all up, is that what you want--
--and who said I fucked it up?
Just go and see her.
Talk to her.
If you don't, you'll end up losing her.
Pint and two vowels, Karen.
Mimi.
Isn't that enough practice for one day?
You can make yourself useful, if you like.
Clear glasses.
This is useful.
See what it does for your triceps?
Don't want bingo wings at my age, do I?
That's just the start, Karen.
And it's not just physical.
One baby comes into the world, and another brain departs.
Here we go.
As the fetus gestates, it sucks every bit of goodness
from its host.
Protein and calcium, vitamins and minerals.
And ounce by ounce, as the baby grows,
it's mother shrinks in equal proportion.
Hello.
Cut the crap, Frank.
Sheila used to keep the bog roll in the fridge
when she was up the duff.
[customers laughing]
[music playing]
I like it when you talk about her.
Do you miss her?
I do.
When she left, it took me a long, long time to even
begin to come to terms with it.
A good few days, maybe even a week.
Had this pain, you see, in me chest.
And it made me realize--
made me understand-- what love is.
And what it must be, if it exists.
Cause when she was gone, I made me-self feel better.
Trying to understand the madness.
I missed it.
Even started washing me hands after taking a piss.
Was she hard to live with?
Cope with?
Fucking nightmare.
But no worse than the rest of us, though, eh?
[music playing]
You are nothing like her, Karen.
Don't believe that bollocks about we all
eventually end up turning into our parents.
Because if it was true, I'd be an uptight twat with a penchant
for Shirley Bassey.
Thanks.
It's all right.
How do you know when things are moving too fast?
With a girl?
Blimey.
If you love her?
You love her?
I think so.
Have you bought her a soft toy, yet?
As if.
Oh, well.
It's not quite love yet, then.
She's nicked one of my pens.
Has she?
That's serious.
So you reckon I should buy her a teddy?
Ian said I'd lose you.
You'd better go up, love.
What's he said?
I should have known myself.
Not have him tell me.
Told you what?
That if I carry on like this, I'll lose you.
There's no point going over it, is there?
You, eh.
Cut the crap, Carl.
Show her how you feel.
Buy her a stuffed puppy, or something.
You're the first girl I ever said this to.
Leave it, Carl.
I love you.
I want to be with you.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Look, I never meant for it to go this far.
Sorry about your mum and dad.
You don't need to be.
Look, I know how much they mean to you,
and I could have fucked that up.
I don't want to come between them and their little girl,
do I?
Daddy's little princess?
I've had an abortion.
[music playing]
Carl?
How do you know when you're in love?
You just do.
Have sweaty palms got anything to do with it?
That is our plumber.
Him?
100 quid, and he'll hold your hand in Pizza Express.
Extortion.
I'm going to bring him here.
Get a take away.
Give him something proper to hold onto.
Cheaper to fuck than to mend the pipe?
You would, though, wouldn't you?
[children playing]
[karen giggling]
What the fuck are you up to?
Rosemary Conley had it right.
You just lay off the cheese, moved around a bit.
Got thinner legs.
Hey, presto.
She made millions.
Now that's enterprise.
Women come up to me and tell me I look amazing for a bird
that's just dropped a kid.
Yeah, well, you do.
Yeah, I knew I was special.
Like, Madonna special.
Or Kylie.
Come on, you're better than that.
This is my empire, Jamie.
ALL: Boing, boing.
[both laughing]
[dog barking]
[music playing]
What are you rattling about at this hour for?
What's she been doing?
It's not normal.
She's fine.
She isn't fine.
Frank frigging Gallagher's noticed.
People can see it, you know.
Why can't you?
Get your father and the lads.
Need to look for her.
Leave it.
That's my grandson that's out there.
And she's my wife.
Now, just fuck off.
[music playing]
Karen.
Everything OK?
Well, I could do with a bit of a hand.
A bit early to be shopping, isn't it?
Yeah, well once Conner's awake, I'm awake.
Karen.
Where the fuck have you been?
- All right, Jamie. - I've been shopping.
I got you some custard tarts.
You didn't bring your mobile.
Well, who were going to call at this time in the morning--
- For fuck's sake, Karen. - You're overreacting.
You've been gone all night.
Get a grip.
He's going to have me micro-chipped, next.
Is he OK?
Why wouldn't he be OK?
Anything could have happened.
Have you seen the CCTV in there?
Do you know they've got a separate camera
over disposable razors, because apparently they're the most
nicked item from supermarkets.
Did you know that?
You'd think it'd be perfume, or cellulite cream, wouldn't you?
Let's just go home.
Fine.
[music playing]
Are we all cheered up now, eh?
You didn't even give me the chance.
If I had known I was going to be a dad,
I might have started to act like one.
It wouldn't have made any difference.
Why?
Because you think I'd be shit?
It's got nothing to do with that.
Just another Frank.
Your words, not mine.
Does Ian know?
No.
[carl whispering]
We can have kids when we've both grown up a bit.
Yeah, right.
[music playing]
JOE: Hello?
Where's your mother?
She owes me money, remember?
None of my business, remember?
You won't find her in there.
This is my shop, now.
I bought it.
New lock, lack of stock, and barrel.
Wondered how long it'd take you.
With interest.
Feeling better?
What do you think?
Listen, it had nothing to do with me.
Yeah, right.
That's what I thought when I got my face smashed in.
Listen, pal.
I'm not going to be sorry for something I haven't done.
Course not.
It's done.
Over.
Wise woman.
A toast.
To new beginnings.
[mobile ringing]
Hello.
Hello?
Rude not to.
Good doing business with you.
[classical music playing]
[operatic singing]
Liam?
[liam groaning]
Jockey.
Frank, school.
Hello?
Yeah.
[music - spice girls, "wannabe"]
Know how I feel.
Say you could handle my love, are you for real?
Stay there.
I'll go.
[music continues]
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really,
really wanna zig a zig, ah.
Sorry.
It's OK.
And how are you feeling?
We should never have decorated.
I know some people, they keep their people's room
the same for years.
Like a shrine.
Who had the right to just wipe out all trace of her like that?
I'm sure it wasn't intentional.
It's not right, though, is it?
You miss her, don't you?
She was me best friend.
And she was my baby girl.
Let me get Shana decorate for you.
And not just in here.
I mean, the whole pub.
It'll do you good to have a change about the place.
You're too good to me.
Nonsense.
No such thing as in-laws where I come from.
You marry into the family, that's it.
[music playing]
Another mum and dad.
Two sets of parents.
[knock on door]
MIMI: Karen?
Jesus.
Stop her, Paddy.
Karen, no.
[laughing]
What are you doing?
Why are you putting us through this, you selfish bitch?
Get out.
Just get out.
[weeping]
Yeah, and another pipe's gone, mate.
Well, soon as you can, really.
All right, nice one.
Oh, no.
Butterfingers.
No worries.
Happens all the time.
Yeah.
Take it off, I'll dry it out for you.
No need.
Oh, it's fine.
It's no trouble, mate.
Look, take it off, I'll sort it.
I'll live. Honest.
Take it off.
[music playing]
Have a drink?
Why not?
Yeah.
[music playing]
JAMIE: Karen?
Karen?
PADDY: Karen.
Karen.
PADDY: Karen.
[music playing louder]
What do you two want?
I was thinking orange, what do you think?
- Do whatever you think. - Blue?
Yellow? I don't know.
White?
White!
White.
Keep him away.
Keep him away from me.
JAMIE: Please.
Keep him away!
I'm her husband.
Please, go.
Go on.
KAREN: No!
PADDY: Come on, Karen.
Come on.
Come back, come back.
Shh.
KAREN: Dad?
Please.
[crying]
What happens when we die?
Does it just switch off?
You've been here for years.
And then nothing.
Because what's the point?
Could be gone tomorrow.
Could be run over by a bus, a truck.
A fucking milk float.
Can you imagine the embarrassment if one of them
took you out?
You're not going to die.
[music playing]
Joe was right.
Me.
In me tight tops.
And your short skirt.
You're just a slag.
I'm sorry, Mandy.
We couldn't help it.
We tried, but we couldn't.
I'm so sorry.
No!
[screaming]
[all yelling]
[karen screaming]
IAN: You OK?
I need somewhere to stay.
That bad?
Come on.
Let me give you a lift home, eh?
Honest, it's fine.
Ah, son.
Go on, let's have a look.
Come here.
Oh.
That's all right.
It's nothing much to write home about, eh?
Son?
No matter how fucking cool you think you are, as soon as they
get to secondary school, they're always ashamed about being
seen with their old man, eh?
Old?
Don't you mean deceased?
Holly.
No offense.
We thought you were dead.
Well, half cut, pal, I'll give you that.
But as God as my witness, I'm anything but dead.
Apparently they dedicated a waiting room to your name
when you were mown down.
HOLLY'S DAD: By a fire engine.
HOLLY: Jumped in front of it saving the life
of a six-year-old girl.
She was thrown 50 feet in the air.
I thought we were good together.
We are.
Listen, kid.
Telling porkies to dazzle the ladies
might seem a good idea at the time,
but it's always going to come back and bite you on the ass,
mark my words.
Sorry.
Eh, no, keep your dignity, kid.
You know, we all do it.
Most lads your age would walk over
hot coals to get a bit of muff.
What's a little white lie between friends, eh, mister--
Come on, Holly.
I don't blame you for lying, lad.
I'd have done the same if he was my father.
Hey, I just-- hang on a minute, pal.
I'm only trying to be polite.
And I'm a good father, for your information.
Admittedly, not the best in the world--
I'm sorry, can we just start again?
--they know where to go when they want a pint.
And where would he fit in?
--and I love them.
What if you asked me over for tea, and he's there?
--be honest with them.
We have a laugh together.
I'm proud of what I've got.
Proud of each--
Would you shut up?
Are you always this rude?
Foul-mouthed?
You're behaving like a rancid, festering, smelly old tramp.
Dad, can Liam come in the car with us?
Please?
[music playing]
It's OK, son.
I understand.
You know where I am if you need me.
Maybe tramp was a bit harsh.
[music playing]
HOLLY: Liam?
Liam!
[music playing]
WOMAN: Why don't we just tell them the truth?
MIMI: What? And lose all trade?
It's not good for business she being kooky.
Karen's the reason most folks come
in here in the first place.
I think they'll find it in their hearts to forgive
her for a few weeks absence.
No one wants a screaming banshee pulling pints, though.
WOMAN: She's ill.
Why can't you just say that.
MIMI: People aren't stupid. - Oh, really.
Is that a fact?
We could say she's on remand for assault.
Family turf.
She knocked seven shades of shite
out of one of you two lads.
I like it.
Assault it is, then.
Dad?
What?
Could you sub us a oner?
I'm late on the rent, and Ian's being a right cunt.
As he should be if you're late.
[mobile ringing]
Hello?
Good doing business with you.
[micky groans]
I'll take that as a no, then.
[music playing]
Shit.
Fuck.
Promise you'll call me every day.
Course I will.
I love you, son.
Bye.
Go on.
What kind of mother leaves her son?
A good one.
You've done a brilliant job.
He's a good lad, you'll be fine.
Thanks.
Keep her safe, or you're dead meat.
Of course I will.
And you stick with Joe.
He'll look after you.
I can look after myself.
You know what I mean.
Be careful.
[music playing]
She asked me to.
Why?
She said, she doesn't want any more hassle.
There is no hassle.
I'm only helping out.
I could have done it.
Maybe it's best if you both get some space for a few days.
Is that what she said?
We need space?
Well, that's right up there with it's not you, it's me.
You'll be telling me she don't deserve me, next.
I knew you'd take her side.
I'm not taking sides.
I want what's best for both of you.
She told you everything?
I said what's between you two is none of my business.
Mate, she's had an--
Carl, no.
Mate, I don't want to know.
[grunting]
What's happened now?
Pipes.
Again?
Yeah.
Better give Dan a call.
What's up?
System must be fucked.
I think we need the whole thing redoing.
Everything just keeps leaking.
Oh, that's nowt, that.
Just need to replace the trap, that's all.
Someone's been pissing about it with this, haven't they?
What?
Helpless female course in sixth form.
I did basic plumbing.
Just leave it to me.
Ah, nice one.
JAMIE (VOICEOVER): Early lesson in being married to a Jackson.
Not sometimes, but every time, you just can't win.
But do I really want to?
And what is winning, anyway?
She's a bit like my old mate Kenny Morris, is my missus.
Trying to make me go along with one crazy idea after the next.
Hardly ever knows when to take no for an answer,
and there's not one person I know that she'll
take an ounce of shit from.
The only real difference between her and Kenny
is when she asks me to get on the back of the bike, I do.
Just like that.
No questions asked.
Fucking terrifying, yeah.
But the ride?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
[laughter]
[music playing]
Hi, is that Dicks and Mortar?
Yeah, I think I've got a bit of subsidence, mate.
Any chance you can come over for a shufties?
Nice one.
[glass and wood breaking]
[music playing]