[sirens]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by Him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money,
or wives in your face?
Cause this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates' basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Scatter!
Party!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Age of enlightenment, age of reason,
age of Aquarius--
it's always the age of something.
We live in the information age.
Internet, satellite, cable.
Oh!
Are you sure that's your most respectable gear?
Me black tights are laddered.
Had to raid the laundry basket for these.
Looks like she got a bit of--
Fuck me stockings.
And a bare tit on display has always
been just my luck at a funeral.
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Quality information is at a premium,
and those who have it want to hold onto it.
Because information is dangerous.
Hey!
You told me St. Martin's.
Oh, did I?
Oh, I meant St. Mark's.
You don't sit down.
Well, you'll only get pissed and embarrass us.
Who the fuck are you to censor where I go and don't go?
Any chance you might be slightly overreacting, Mr. G?
You straighten your gusset there and listen
to what you've got to say.
I am the head of the house. I should be told.
- Told what? - Everything!
Where, who, why.
When. Where.
My role is to listen, advise, support.
People look to me.
Only to point and laugh.
You've only bothered cause the chance of a free drink
flashed in front of your eyes.
To pay my respects.
I knew Theresa before you were even a teardrop in me trousers.
And as for the free drink, well-- you know, every cloud.
You all right?
Fucking indigestion.
That fucking curry that Yvonne gave us last night.
I had it on me chips.
Yvonne didn't do a curry last night.
Then what was that green stuff on the stove, then?
Can't think.
My patience has been sorely fucking tested.
Good.
Morning.
Oh my god.
You weren't?
Don't be ridiculous.
Did you get your undies from the washing basket?
Yes.
There's caustic soda in the crotch.
Piss off.
We open in five.
I need to get away, anyway.
Morning.
Yeah.
We should at least try and be civil to one another.
I haven't kicked you out, have I?
You look nice.
Hey, beautiful.
All set?
Yeah!
Wee!
I still don't see how come I can't go to this funeral.
Don't want to spoil your innocence by finding out
you're gonna be worm food one day.
Besides, I need your help packing all this.
14 quid some sow's willing to pay for that.
Whole set's worth a couple of hundred.
One geek selling crap to another geek.
Not exactly what the internet was invented for.
You calling me a geek?
You looked in the mirror lately?
What are you gonna do with all the money?
Add it to the pot.
Whatever I get for the owls will set me up.
We've been over this, wee man.
There's nothing for me on the Chatsworth.
I was having a riot and a beef. It's all done.
It-- happened.
On behalf of all Theresa's family,
I'd like to thank you all for coming.
And drink your fill in her blessed memory.
- Theresa. - Theresa.
Grub's good.
I've not eaten since breakfast.
Salad's not bad, either.
You're mooching at a funeral?
Where's all that go?
I've got Johnny Vegas locked in me attic.
Must be fate.
I asked around my mates, but nobody knew who you were.
Thought I'd lost yet.
And yet here I am.
Is it my turn to say something?
Or do you want me to fuck off?
So--
She was my grandmother.
On my dad's side.
He shoots, he scores.
Should come around for a drink later.
It's weird, though.
I keep getting the feeling that I know him from somewhere.
You do.
He shagged her about three months ago.
After ABBA night at the Jockey.
Well, she didn't say aught.
Maybe she don't remember.
Nice of you to bring the family, Frank.
Her kids will appreciate that.
Dragged them out of bed, Algie.
Least I could do.
Theresa was one of a kind.
I didn't know you were so close.
Aye.
When I was 15, Theresa would be--
oh, pushing about 40.
But she's still fit, you know?
Blessed like Hindenburgs-- points in the sky was--
lush, heart shaped ass.
She rode me raw, Algie.
She initiated me in the pearls of the flesh.
It was a two way street, though.
Old Tommy-- he wasn't, you know, adult fit.
[microphone feedback]
Sorry, Algie, is that me?
It's the curry last night.
Testing, one, two.
Who the fuck is that idiot?
How could she not remember?
You didn't remember her.
Oh, come on!
MAN: Fuck off!
I'm in dire fucking straits here!
I know this might be a bad ass above tit,
seeing as we've already spent the night together,
but maybe I could take you for a drink sometime?
Are you asking me out at your gran's funeral?
By all accounts, Gram was a bit of a goer.
I'm sure she'd approve.
[farting]
[sigh]
[plopping]
[groaning]
Well, I can hardly stop now!
Ah!
[farting] Ah!
You're a puff.
Your ringtone is Copacabana.
And you pluck your eyebrows.
Yeah, that's-- that's just personal grooming.
You saw "The Sound of Music" three times
when it was in Manchester.
Yeah, that's-- it's a morality tale.
Did Carl tell you?
I used my own amazing powers of deduction.
You know that Ian is also a homosexual?
Oh, I've seen his membership card.
Got a proposition for ya.
Hey!
Do you think I've gone too far?
The eyebrows?
Some might say not far enough.
I've never seen you cook once since I met ya.
I can follow a recipe, thank you.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Look, get 'em set around a table.
We'll have to talk.
What are you doing?
Loss adjuster from the insurance comes tomorrow.
All me invoices have been rendered
unreadable due to water damage.
So I have to estimate.
We don't sell electrical goods.
Of course we do, Stanley.
All my stock has been tragically decimated in this fire.
There's is skip down on River and Common.
Go see what you can find.
Every piece of crap I drag in, I get a tenner.
What are you doing?
I need 30 quid.
Is that a problem?
I'm scrounging through skips doing this to my nails,
and he can take what he wants?
What do you want doing with these?
Kick the fuck out of 'em.
Mark 'em as reduced, put 'em with fire stock.
What was Debbie's quote?
The single most humiliating day of my life.
And that's saying something, Frank.
Well, I've had a Dicky Tommy, see?
And--
Even when you genuinely try to do right, you still fuck it up,
don't you?
I'm cursed.
Like I was Glenn Hoddle in a previous life, or something.
Just listen sometimes.
I do!
I'm not talking about the gaps in between what
you want to say.
I mean really listen.
It's an under-valued skill.
Best go in.
Endure the wrath of Debbie.
Well, she's not there.
She's down the Jockey.
Yvonne's got the little one.
Despite your reasonable tone and helpful advice,
I still fucking hate ya.
Of course.
How do you like it?
Four hours, that took.
It's a lovely surprise.
Thank you, son.
Did you follow the recipe to the letter?
Ah.
Oh-- Proper good cook, see?
Just strayed from the book a bit.
It said, add sugar.
But you don't add sugar to hot food, do ya?
So you replaced it with--
Mango chutney.
I like getting curried, and that.
Mango bolognese?
[laughter]
Yeah.
Delicious.
Pass the salt, please, Mimi.
Certainly.
Oops.
Can we have the room, please?
He means get out.
This stops now.
Her name was Maureen.
Don't you fucking dare--
I will not live like this.
If it's all out in the open, I've got
nothing left hanging over me.
I don't want to know.
Tough fucking titty.
Maureen.
And I fell head over heels for her,
like an imbecilic schoolboy.
Don't ask why, cause I don't know.
Something lacking at home, maybe?
A marriage long gone stagnant?
Certainly.
But I am not the betraying kind, Mimi.
Never have been.
Throughout our marriage.
This woman-- she had something.
And I fell.
Had something, did she?
She was special, was she?
You've crossed a line, Paddy.
You should have left it unsaid.
Fucking Irish.
Fucking scum!
Slapper with a sob story!
Deceitful.
Fucking excuse for a man!
A real man would stand by his family!
Stand by his wife!
Fuck.
[moaning]
He's got us over a barrel.
[moaning]
What do you think you're doing?
Your mom's in there. - Put it back on.
And don't let the door hit your fat ass on the way out.
If you value your bollocks, lads, I
suggest you make an exit.
Now.
You're a fucking crook and a liar.
And so is she.
Your mom and dad were trying to protect you.
They were looking after the money.
Told us our dad was dead.
Cause it's always about the money.
- That's not true. - What do you know?
You're only here cause she's so desperate she'll shag anything.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'll do whatever I fucking like.
I'm sorry.
We need to talk.
Light a match under me.
You keep deep dry haddock on me arms.
I've shared a room with him for long enough.
I think I know what his tastes are.
What, and they're stuck in 1983, are they?
I'm fucking starving.
Does anyone fancy--
Sorry.
Needed the tape.
There's four rolls on the table.
Oh, yeah.
So there is.
Pizza.
I'm going for pizza.
No anchovies.
They make me gag.
Good day?
Brilliant.
He was really wonderful with her.
And me.
But you know him in the biblical sense.
Any good?
I don't remember.
Don't remember?
Well, not even--
[laughter]
She wouldn't know.
Never seen it.
Nothing happened.
Debbie was in no fit state to go home by myself.
Since her mate had fucked off.
I slept on the floor.
You didn't even cop a feel while she were out of it?
Max.
99 blokes out of 100 would.
If he didn't, that makes him weird.
Same again?
Oh, yes, ta.
Tracy [inaudible],, psychology student
at Pete's party on weekends.
All coming back to her, then?
No, not a fucking clue.
Just ask her direct.
I shouldn't need to.
Look, I'm a really good shag, me.
Max, tell her.
I'm an open minded girl, but talking to your sister
about the ins and outs of shagging
you is a little bit creepy.
Even for me.
Pint and a Pampers, Frank?
Oh, ha ha.
Very fucking droll.
just answer your call and pour us a pint.
That was my grandmother's funeral this morning.
For fuck's sake!
So I-- well, that wasn't deliberate.
What-- but I didn't--
Fine.
Shit in a bush, slap one stranger,
and suddenly everyone's judge, jury, and fucking executioner.
You're getting it on your vest.
This is fucking humiliating!
I look like a refugee out of a shit boy band!
Your seduction techniques are crap.
I'm only 10.
Yeah, well, you'll always be single
if this is the best you can do.
What are you up to?
Ah-- ah.
Any better?
Much.
Still gonna floor that pillock next time I see him.
You can't.
He's my dad.
Why didn't you say?
Well, because I didn't want to spoil things.
Thought you'd lie all day instead?
Didn't I didn't lie.
Yeah, you didn't tell the truth.
He got pissed at a funeral. It's not a crime.
Blackening my granny's reputation isn't that the best
taste, though, is it? - It takes two.
He was only 15.
I can't believe you're defending him.
Against the likes of you?
Always.
It's a cold night, Frank.
Something tells us you're not socializing out here by choice.
What a day, eh?
Lookie what I have.
Don't bother coming home tonight!
You're an embarrassment!
It wasn't my fault!
No, Dad, it never is.
Never.
Yet it always, always fucking happens!
Told you.
Try listening.
You can always spoon in with me.
I'll get a bed.
Very popular, I am.
Hello?
Yvonne?
YVONNE: So it wasn't a scam.
It wasn't done to hurt ya.
We had to fake your dad's death to protect all of us.
We have to continue on just like before, Meena.
I'm going to bed.
I'll put the kettle on.
Just want some shelter.
Oh, and maybe a bit of heat.
Aw.
It's like death in here.
Never doubted you for a minute.
It has to be clean.
And only when I say.
I don't want any of the kids there.
Don't underestimate him.
Once I walk out of here, there's no changing your mind.
He's done his worst.
It's my turn now.
And Terry-- not the face. I want an open coffin.
What?
MIMI: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been-- well, too long since my last confession.
And I have made a terrible decision.
A life changing decision.
I know it's a sin, and I am sorry.
But I've got no choice.
I'm going through with it, regardless
of what you tell me today.
And I want the Lord to know I do it with a heavy heart.
Are you with me, Father?
[coughing]
(MASKING VOICE) Yes, yes, I--
continue, my child.
Have you got a cold?
Allergy.
Altar wine.
I'm going to murder my husband.
Well, not personally.
I've arranged to have it done.
I'll understand if you want me to leave.
No.
Go on.
I hope you've got a free hour.
MAN: I can do this.
WOMAN: And what do the eggshells do, then?
What did you do?
What?
With Tracy-- what's her fucking name?
What did you do?
Let me see if we can find out where you're going wrong.
Well-- first we sort of--
right.
I had her like this.
Fuck's sake.
It would help if you spoke the language.
Right, pretend I'm her.
Where should I be?
Um-- on your back, I suppose.
And where are you?
Sort of-- here.
Doing what?
You know-- mouth, and fingers, and stuff.
- How long? - I wasn't timing it.
I don't know.
Um-- until my tongue was sore.
Yeah?
Nothing wrong there.
Then what?
Maybe a bit of--
Well, something like this.
Seems good.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
It's her.
[sigh]
He didn't come home, then?
What you did was wrong.
Really fucking wrong.
He's not as tough as he makes out.
Don't know how you do it, mate.
Honestly.
I'm full of admiration.
Up with the lark?
Got a lot on me mind.
Anything I can do to ease the burden?
Not particularly.
This tension-- this fucking atmosphere
all the time between you two--
it's cancerous.
Your mother and I are working through our problems.
Isn't that right?
Takes time.
That's all.
What needs to be done will be done.
Good.
As long as you're prepared to work at it.
He doesn't even like her.
What's it to you?
Nothing.
Don't want him making a dick of himself.
I mean, she ain't all that.
Just tell him you like him.
- Aw-- - What are you talking about?
I know he's your brother, Debs, but I
can't stop thinking about him.
Oh, shut up!
I don't want to hear this!
I said--
[mumbling]
I was playing hard to get.
He was supposed to pick up on the signals.
What, you think you've got problems?
Hello?
Earth calling planet fucking ollie ox.
I met a bloke, I slept with him
before I even knew his name.
Smart Why are you torturing me?
I called his granny a slapper, and then walked out on him.
And I think I love him.
Ah.
So have you tried listening?
Listening?
I know things no person should ever know.
And if I say, I'm fucked.
If I don't say, I'm fucked.
You have ruined my life.
Oh, it's not even lunchtime.
Francis.
A word.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Have you really fainted?
No.
Then come and spend some time.
Mano a mano.
I thought maybe I'm more worried
about you, and your weird notions of what gay men like.
Or even for listening to you.
You're leaving again?
Yeah, Liam, I am.
I want to be, happy and I'm not going
to find it two doors away.
Why not?
Because we're not an endangered species.
We don't have to mate with the first gay bloke we see.
You don't have to go halfway across the world, either.
It's exactly the same.
Just hotter.
Fine.
I'll be a lonely puff with a sun tan.
So you admit it, then?
Admit what?
That you're lonely.
I'll catch up with ya.
So what?
Striking out on your own?
Maybe.
So as long as I stump you the cash--
I don't need you.
Is this what you'd like?
Cause if it is, go ahead.
If you hate me that much.
Ma, I don't hate you.
I'd gladly do it, Chesney.
For you or Meena.
Cause that's what it's like when you have kids.
You love them more than the air you fucking breathe.
Yeah, right.
Do you think this is the life I dreamt for myself?
We have no choice.
Stop fucking hiding, Chesney!
We were going to be on the street.
No income.
Money, money, money.
Not fucking money!
I love you, son.
[clattering]
Chesney, please!
Hey.
What's with the Cheshire Cat look 24/7?
Nothing.
Just wish it could always be like this.
Like what?
Us three.
Having a laugh, getting on.
Why shouldn't it be?
Because real life gets in the way.
No reason why.
Business is good.
Come and work for me.
Spend every day together.
Well, why not?
You'd be brilliant.
Even better-- marry me.
Joe?
She should hear it.
It concerns her, too.
So?
Will ya?
I just fucking told him straight.
Then I were like, oi.
Sort it out.
I think it's made a difference.
I dunno, Shane.
There's a lot of hurt. - They said they'd try.
Didn't they, Kel?
Tell him.
Well, I wasn't exactly feeling the love in the room.
- Pint? - Yeah.
Please, mate.
Mickey! Just come out.
I saw ya.
What are you doing?
Not getting humiliated anymore.
What, and locking yourself in the public toilet's
the dignified response, is it?
What was that shit all about last night?
Yeah, go on.
Laugh it up.
I'm not laughing.
It was Liam's idea.
I haven't thought about you in--
a long time.
You know, I've moved on.
But he talked me into it.
I made a dick of myself.
You didn't make a dick--
Yes, I did.
But it's all right.
It's a reminder.
Of what?
To look after myself first and last.
Mickey--
No, I'm cool.
Seriously.
Just go out and do your own thing, Ian.
I won't lose any sleep.
10p.
Add it to your fund.
I ain't got a fund yet.
Having second thoughts?
You're a shit stirring little bastard.
Something to say?
Nope.
[knocking]
Hi.
Is Debbie in?
Are you the new boyfriend?
Um, no.
Uh-- not exactly.
Debbie?
Your new boyfriend's here.
I was out of line.
I'm sorry.
I like you.
You're funny, and spunky, and loyal.
And beautiful.
I like being with you.
Is that it?
More or less.
You hear all of that?
Every word.
Good.
I admit it, I was legging it to the funeral
for the free swallow.
Don't want to know about my childrens' love
lives, or my neighbors' insurance scams,
stroke deaths falsification.
It is not my place to be aware of marital struggles of dear,
dear friends whom I consider extended family.
I'm weighed down by too much information, Paddy.
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
And why in God's name do you think it would interest me?
You-- you brought me here to--
you were gonna-- because--
you know I know.
Know what
Nothing.
Someone intends to do me harm.
I don't yet know who to trust.
So your role here is a double edged insurance policy.
On the one hand, you'll serve as a witness to what is said.
You're going to try and talk him out of it?
Hell no.
I'm going to offer him twice the fee to shoot my wife.
[bell ringing]
My other role?
You're my human shield, Francis.
Why?
Why, though?
Paddy, why reveal all this information to me?
I am totally unreliable.
Well known for letting down all in--
- Shut the fuck up. - Come on.
Paddy. Paddy.
You can't do it.
You can't kill your wife.
Yes, she may be the [inaudible] from Hell,
but that's beside the point.
She took a contract out on me!
Yes-- yeah, fair point, but--
yeah.
But-- and-- yeah.
And more fool there for getting one
of your colleagues to do it.
You're flapping like a teenage girl.
I--
Keep a low profile.
If it goes belly up for me, give a statement.
If it goes in my favor, I'll let you keep your legs
in return for your silence.
[knocking]
Can we talk?
Nothing to talk about.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
What for?
For always blanking you.
And not treating you with respect.
Yeah, well, cheers.
Enjoy France.
[inaudible] is in Spain.
And I'm not going.
Not yet, anyway.
I'm not ready to leave yet.
How come?
Don't push it.
Kettle only takes a minute to boil.
He's still there.
Three hours.
I don't care.
You've got a nice looking fella prepared
to sit in the middle of a public thoroughfare
with no toilet break, just in the hope
that you might talk to him.
You said you loved him this morning.
No I didn't.
No, I said maybe.
I might.
I'm meeting her for a drink.
Yeah, what do you want?
A medal?
Freaks.
Well?
I'm not talking to him.
No-- treat him mean.
I'm going for a walk.
To the Jockey, by any chance?
No.
Stood you up, has she?
No.
She's a bit late.
That's all.
You want to get the priorities right in your head, Carl.
How so?
You don't even care about this bird.
Some girl you'll likely never see again.
You should focus your energies on the future.
Which is?
Twins?
I didn't shag her.
I shagged her!
Her sister.
I shagged her sister.
Where'd you get the chair?
My house.
Got a car?
Brought it on the bus.
So you planned this?
If you'd spoke to me earlier, I wouldn't have needed it.
Then I'd just be an idiot who carried
the chair across Manchester on a bus for no reason.
It's not cute, you know?
Could be seen as creepy. You know, like a stalker?
So you're just going to sit there?
Yep.
Why?
Because you kissed me.
And you don't strike me as the type of girl
who just kisses anybody.
Suit yourself.
Look round.
Come on, look round.
Mimi Maguire!
Katherine Mary Joy Maguire!
Get your big old ass out here!
So here we are.
Did you think I wouldn't find out?
What are you waiting for?
I don't think so, Mimi.
See, I've also compensated young Terrance
here to take a pop at you.
Two for one.
Spring seal.
It's never too late to think again, you know?
My thoughts precisely.
It's none or both, Mimi.
What do you think?
I fucking hate you!
I understand.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not too fond of myself, neither.
That's why changes have to happen,
whether you like them or not.
He did stray from the fold, Mimi,
but it was never consummated.
I mean, what man doesn't window shop?
- How the fuck do you know that? - Yes.
How do you know?
Intuition.
Empathy.
What changes?
Fundamental ones.
The kind that take a long time to negotiate.
Call it off, Terry.
You can go now, Terry.
I think we can deal with this.
No, it's gone too far, Paddy.
What are you talking about?
What, you don't think I do this for the profit margin,
do ya?
See, I've made arrangements with certain parties
about business opportunities in this area.
A lot of people are going to be very happy to see
the back of you two.
Look, it's not really my argument.
I'd just be cannon fodder.
Do not move a fucking muscle!
Well, I've got a Dicky Tommy.
You [inaudible] bitch.
Who the fuck are you?
Debbie's new boyfriend.
No he's not!
Yes he is.
You love him.
She is infatuated with Carl.
They have run two insurance scams now
over Kash's death, which they may actually have played a part
in, willing or otherwise.
And these two took out hits on each other
because he had an ultimately unsuccessful
dalliance with a psycho who turned
him into a heroin addict.
And I don't ever want to talk to any of you
again about anything!
I have no desire to know.
Is that enough listening for ya?
Tell me again about your relationship expertise,
sweetheart.
[clattering]
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Information is a dangerous commodity.
If it's misused and misunderstood,
it can have real consequences.
But information is only words.
Actions speak louder.
Much louder.
[moaning]
[theme music]
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I've been having impure thoughts, Father.
Oh.
About whom?
Is it necessary to say?
If one wishes the Lord's forgiveness.
Well, it's Frank.
Frank Gallagher.
He sends a quiver through me loins.
Father?