Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs, and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money,
or wives in your face?
Because this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented,
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll cum on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now.
Now, most decisions are half-assed.
You know, like not drinking during the week,
or showering every day.
Because you know deep down you're not
going to go through with it.
But when a real decision is made,
you can feel something different, neurons forming,
synapses firing, brain chemistry kicking in.
Reality just needs to catch up with the mind
you've already made up.
Never a strong point, make my mind up, till now.
[soccer video game commentary]
Nice one, Gandalf.
DEBS: Who's Gandalf?
He's a 35-year-old business consultant from London.
Danny Say up so Liam could talk to anybody online.
Liam, bed.
In a minute, Debs.
[crash]
What's going on?
MAN: What you doing?
Who the fuck are you?
This is our house.
The fuck.
You've just kicked our door in.
Our door?
The council must have gave us the wrong key.
Wrong fucking house, you twat.
Tracy?
What's it say?
It says we don't fucking live here.
Jimmy, Alex, start unpacking.
I don't fucking think so.
Did you see that little shit swing that punch?
I think I chipped my tooth.
Where were you?
Violence doesn't solve anything.
I'll call in a favor with the boys down at the station,
get them kicked out first thing tomorrow.
You should see the other girl.
She tried to tomfool me.
Now the dirty bitch is shopping online for a new fucking chin.
Well, don't you worry, mum.
I give up, son.
Even if I do go out, what the fuck have I got to go back to?
A fucking Irish slaphead smack addict.
I'd rather stay here.
Don't say that, mum.
What you talking about?
What we doing here?
Wait.
Do you reckon?
Bit old.
I know, but she's fucking gagging for it.
What you doing?
Trying to find one you haven't licked.
I only get them for the ketchup.
All right, Huey?
HUEY: All right, Lana.
How's it going?
This is Ches.
Hiya.
Maybe see you later then, both of you.
What the fuck was that?
Joe's pressed charges against mum for the assault.
Let's go down the hospital and we kill him.
Cap cap the fucking--
Oy, chuckle brothers, be realistic.
We are, total Tony Soprano--
mi casa, su casa.
My home is your home.
Well, I'm going to turn myself in right now.
Oh, sucker punch me, why don't you, fucking west life.
The fuck do you mean, west life?
I meant it as a compliment, inoffensive,
unthreatening, safe.
Just fuck off.
Yeah.
Look, I don't care how long I get.
I'll do it to spite the bastard.
Jamie, wait.
I'll go see him.
No you fucking won't.
Do I look like I want to?
I'll go tomorrow.
Hi, guys. You're all right.
Come on in, Dougie.
Let's see if you've been practicing your exercises.
[moan]
Nevermind, love.
Got as far as the door this time.
I'll clean you up.
What's going on?
What do you think's going on?
What about her old man?
He's in a taxi shift till 5:00 every morning.
You're not still a virgin, are you, Ches?
Fuck off.
Fucking classic.
Your first shag's a MILF?
Oh, shit.
Steward, get the Fairy Liquid.
[knock]
You sure this is all right?
Wouldn't have asked you around if it wasn't.
You got nice eyes.
I've got a condom in my wallet.
No, love.
Latex sends me into anaphylactic shock.
It's all right.
I'm on the pill.
Can you hear that?
Sounds like kind of pulse beating or something.
Can't you hear it?
Am I plucking your cherry, Chesney?
No.
I've done it loads of times with--
yeah.
You want my advice?
Go like the clappers, like you've
got five seconds left to live.
[exhales]
[sounds of sex]
Duck to water.
I could go again.
No, no, love.
There were great.
Just the job.
Oh.
[music playing]
It's a fucking shithole, any road.
Yeah, well, it's our shithole.
[music playing]
Mom could get five years.
Take a seat.
Mm, get back with me.
What?
Get back with me, and I'll drop the charges.
Gallant, isn't it? - It's over.
It's now.
You're being a prick.
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me.
And I love you, too.
So sleep on it.
[music playing]
So fucking sorry about this mix up.
Epic error.
Basically, no rent's been registered
on this place for six years, so the council
just presumed it was empty.
And then that, plus all the benefits you claim.
Well, the left hand had no idea what the right hand was doing.
So I'm just like, Josie, you gotta go around there
and apologize.
So here I am. So where is your mom?
Work
Holiday.
She got a mobile?
Yeah.
It's 0929--
[thud]
[music playing]
[sighs] Mom went AWOL about three months ago.
We don't know where she is.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's been really difficult, especially
for little Liam and Carl.
Who looks after the kids?
I do.
Well, we all help, but mainly me.
How old are you, sweetheart?
I'm nearly 17.
But since mom's gone, dad has been brilliant.
[thud]
For the last time, Debbie, will you keep your pisshead
of a father out of my shop?
I'm sick of finding him looking at porn and drinking Bailey's.
Malibu.
Who's this?
Social.
Oh!
Oogie-boogie-boogie!
Fucking chitty banging, child catching, [growls]
come and get your ice lollies, kiddie-winks!
[music playing]
How long you been married?
Probably about as long as you've been alive.
Why'd you do it?
What sort of question is that?
I don't know.
I did it because it makes me feel wanted.
That enough for you?
Sounds fake.
You're smarter than the other kids, you know that?
What do you want to do with your life?
Probably drive a cab, or something up.
No.
You've got your whole life to screw up before that.
No, I see you more as a lawyer, or something.
Or a porn star.
[laughs]
I love my husband.
And I like sex.
And that's all there is to this, right?
[music playing]
You know, I'm dead embarrassed about it
by the way you saw me yesterday.
Must've had some dodgy vol-au-vents, or something
the night before, and eck-eck.
I think I understand, Frank.
Oh, good.
So we're on the same page?
Mm.
Fried egg?
How's it going?
Fine.
You?
Is there somewhere you ca go for a drink around here?
[music playing]
I know what it's like.
Do you?
Yeah, I do.
I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
And me oldest just gone to uni.
You don't look a day over 30.
Well, I'm 33.
You do the maths.
Joined the social to help families, not split them up.
And this a good family.
I can tell.
Liam's great.
And Stella's healthy.
I mean, the assessment isn't going to be glowing,
but it'll be right.
Nothing to worry about.
And you've obviously coped brilliantly
since your mom left.
The first time she left, I was 10-years-old and terrified.
The second time, I was over the moon.
She should be in prison for crimes against maternity.
[laughs] Well, the good news is,
you're entitled to a bit more cash, because of the single
parent circumstances.
So I'll jump some forms in.
And we're going to get Stella into daycare,
and sort the house out a bit.
But the most important thing of all is to help you get a life.
I've got a life.
You got a fella?
Right.
Well, next time I come around, if you haven't
got at least three fellas on the go,
then I really am going to interfere.
But don't get knocked up, because then you're fucked.
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
Hey, Mandy?
Hello, love.
I just thought you should know, I'm
debating whether to tell you, but I don't know if I should.
It's about me and Karen.
Wait is that?
Oh, shit.
Sorry, Karen.
I meant to call Mandy.
Give Mandy a nudge in the right direction.
You just mark--
[music playing]
[heavy breathing]
[thud]
Jamie!
I fucking knew it!
What's happened?
He said he'll drop the charges,
if I get back with him. - Oh, OK.
That's it.
Jamie, there's a simple option.
- What? - Do as he says.
[scoffs]
Give it a couple of days.
Act like I'm thinking about it.
Take it slow.
Say I want to him to get therapy.
Make it convincing.
He drops the charges.
Mom gets out.
And then I'll leave him.
And you think he won't see that coming?
I don't she'll have trouble being convincing.
That came out wrong. - No.
It came out right.
You won't dump him.
You think him holding me mom over a barrel
makes me want him back?
Makes him more attractive?
We're just worried for you, Mandy.
Well, it's insulting.
Give me some respect.
This is the only way, short of another Maguire
going to jail, OK?
[music playing]
Two shots.
You fucking wanker!
Two beers, please, love.
[sounds of combat]
That's five up, please.
Ta, for you.
Thank you.
[music playing]
Karen's doing my head in.
Everyone is.
All giving me this fucking look.
What look?
The one you're doing right now.
I've already dumped him.
This is just going to be a repeat performance.
[footsteps]
Where are you two off to then?
Social have officially asked me to get Debbie laid.
Max!
You should come, Mandy!
She's keeping me company.
Suit yourselves.
Back late.
I've already made me decision, Ian.
Can we please just change the subject?
[music playing]
What's wrong, Ches?
I can't.
Why
I saw you with your husband.
So?
What?
Where are you going?
I can't do this.
It's too fucking weird.
[music playing]
Hey!
I gave you a 20!
- You gave me a tenner. - No, no, no.
I definitely gave you a 20, because I only took 20s out,
didn't I, Debs?
Bearing in mind, it comes out of my pocket
if the till's down.
And my wage is the only money that comes into the house.
And I've got me mom and baby sister to look after.
Pressure's on you?
Was it a 20, Debs?
Thought not.
Cheers, mate!
Fair compromise?
Do you really have to look after your mom
and little sister?
All Is fair in love and war.
And scamming, right?
[music playing]
Hey, you're up.
I made you coffee, and a tea.
Wasn't sure what you preferred.
Do you have class today?
Class?
Yeah.
English.
Oh.
[laughs] You're not a student, are you?
I'm Mark.
No.
I remember your name.
Just not how I got here.
Good night, love?
Apparently.
If you're walking like a cowboy, see him again.
[sounds of argument]
- Get out of the car now! - Open up!
- Catch him! - Liam!
Liam! Get out of the car now!
They're taking him!
Liam, Liam!
Get out of that car now!
- Get out of the car now! - Open up!
Liam!
Liam get out of the car now!
They're taking him!
Liam!
Liam, get out of the car now!
Liam!
No!
Liam!
[music playing]
Where the fuck were you?
I told you I was going out!
Yeah, you didn't say you were staying out!
Fucking Josie came to drop off forms, heard Stella crying,
dad were passed out on the floor,
and Liam was holding the baby.
None of us were here.
You two were in charge!
Don't blame me!
When I left here this morning, Carl was here.
- Well, you should rang! - I lost my phone!
Well, that's not my fault!
Tragedy.
Words cannot express.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Well, it sounds to me like you were out getting laid.
You scuttled off back to your palace.
And you're just a dopey bastard.
And where you've been for the last 25 years?
This would never have happened before.
What does that mean?
It means that Fiona would have kept it together!
[music playing]
You're a cunt.
[music playing]
You lied!
Come on, Debbie, let's go somewhere else?
Where?
To the pub, like mates?
Go out and have fun, you said.
Why?
So you could take my brother and sister?
Why do you even bother?
Telling me about your son going to uni.
Have you even got a son?
Don't you dare.
I trusted you.
[music playing]
[CONVERSATION AND GIRL GIGGLING IN DISTANCE]
Debbie?
She's she's just a mate.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I came.
Debbie, wait.
No, really.
My mistake.
Sometimes sex is just sex.
What's going on?
Chesney's seeing this girl who's
shagging every bloke left, right, and center.
Don't take it to heart.
You should be out doing the same.
I really liked her.
You still like her?
Yeah.
But she's messed up.
Here's a secret, Ches.
You don't have to love somebody to shag them.
In fact, sometimes it's better.
[music playing]
[knock on door]
Ches!
I'm sorry about last night.
I'm fine with it.
I don't get why you do it.
I don't mind.
Can we carry on? - No!
Oh, come on.
I'm ready.
Slightly salty.
[door opening and closing]
[sounds of combat]
Look, I'm--
I'm sorry, love.
I'll come back later.
[door opening and closing]
He knows?
This is fucking bizarre.
You're a freak!
[slap]
You're young.
So let me give you some advice.
Don't judge people!
[music playing]
She's gone to see him?
What do you reckon?
I reckon the women in the family
are braver men than I am.
What are you talking about?
I should've just turn myself in.
[sighs] I should never even have let Mandy go back and see him.
I'm glad you didn't.
Kazza!
Same again.
You' had enough, Frank.
I haven't started yet.
Go home your kids, Frank.
I'm not serving you.
[blows a raspberry] OK.
Off!
Frank!
She's told you more than once.
Get thee behind me, Satan!
[music playing]
She won't serve me!
Where is it?
When did she get so choosy?
Fucking WAG wannabe.
Gangster's moll.
He's not much of a fucking gangster, is he?
Jumped up Michael flatulence Lord of the Ring beast,
isn't he?
Go on, take me dignity.
Take it now.
Take it!
Take me kids!
Bastards!
Take me fucking kidneys, and all, go on!
Ah!
Agh!
Two for one this week!
I've always been right fucking there for my kids.
What about me, eh?
What I've been through.
What is left?
They've all gone.
So what is left for me?
[music playing]
Right.
OK.
Well, they can keep Liam and Stella
in custody for three days.
And if they get a court order, they
keep them for another eight.
Can we see them?
Supervised.
But they can't call.
But, I mean, Liam can't.
And we can't call him.
Bastards.
It's my worst nightmare to be taken away.
Yeah, Liam's strong.
He'll be all right.
What, is this her?
I just came to say I'm sorry.
Oh, how cute.
Now she wants to say sorry.
Why don't you fuck off and ease
your conscience somewhere else?
[music playing]
[door closing]
We take it slow.
You get therapy.
You stay in here.
Come here.
Give us a kiss.
Even if you are going through with this for effect,
just to get me to drop the charges, it's OK.
All I want is another chance.
[music playing]
I'm sorry.
[music playing]
Yes, mate.
Girls Allowed.
[growls] I could fucking do them all over.
Which one do you like the most?
Hm?
Oh, the-- the first song. - Not song.
Which girl, you dick.
You sound like a proper poof sometimes.
Shut up!
You used to wank off to Hanson, before you
found out they were blokes! - Shut the fuck up about that!
He did, didn't he? Didn't he?
For fuck's sakes.
How'd it go?
Uh oh.
I'm going to give him another go.
For real.
Oh, when did everything get so fucking fucked!
Can we do this somewhere else?
No!
Because then everybody won't be able see how fucking stupid
you're being!
Would you stop humiliating me?
Toilets, now.
[music playing]
[door opening and closing]
How fucking dare you?
You think this is easy for me? - No.
I just think you lied to us!
- Cool it, Mickey. - Ah, leave him be.
You're the one who punched a hole in his head.
That's a point well made.
I want no midnight visits.
no brotherly protection.
If you do anything, then me and Katie'll leave.
You got that?
You're an idiot.
And so are you, and you!
Look, all the people who should be together are breaking up.
And all the people who should be tied to fucking radiators
to be kept apart are getting together.
What have I done?
Karen blatantly wants you back.
And if you had half a bollock, you'd have leapt over that bar,
and fucking claimed her.
When I need moral advice from you--
Well, don't take it, then.
Let your marriage go down the shitter,
if that's what you want.
But remember to tell your face you're strong, silent,
and happy to lose the only woman who's
ever or ever will love you.
You're going too far.
Not far enough!
And Mandy, if you get back with a cancerous turd,
and I'll be the one fucking leaving.
Too many Smarties before lunchtime.
Takes after his mother.
[music playing]
I didn't go there to give in, take him back.
I need a mate, Karen.
And I'm here.
Get yourself sorted, come back down, yeah?
God.
these black circles.
Look like a panda.
[telephone chirps]
[music playing]
[glasses breaking]
What are you doing?
You're my wife.
I'm tired of being away from you.
I'm going to fuck your brains out right now.
[cheering]
Go on, son!
Does everyone have to watch?
[laughter]
[music playing]
[door opening and closing]
Where the fuck?
Hello?
Is anybody there?
Hello?
[music playing]
Hello?
How the hell is it--
[thud]
[music playing]
Hello?
Ah!
[thud]
[dragging noise]
Who are you?
Where are you taking me?
Outside.
I call the police.
I'm not going anywhere!
Oh!
All right!
This is how it works, does it?
A human being seeks sanctuary and you pummel him!
You put me outside, and my next move is
the bottom of the canal, mate.
I swear to God!
I just need someone's--
someone to talk to.
[sobs] Please.
[footsteps]
Lorna!
You're not allergic to latex.
Because if you were, you wouldn't have
worn those washing up gloves.
Which means you're not allergic to condoms.
You want a baby, and Reggie can't.
You got all that from washing up gloves?
Thought you were smart.
Doesn't he mind?
He wants one, too.
What about IVF or something?
We tried.
You get one free pop, and then it's 16 grand a go.
Or adopt.
Don't you think we've tried?
Been on the list for years.
Why us lot?
Because if it happened, none of you lot would hang around.
I might.
I'm sorry I said what I said.
Thank you.
Ches?
Do us a favor.
Tell your mates not to come around anymore?
Why?
I'm pregnant.
Wait!
Who's is it?
It's mine!
[music playing]
[loud bang]
What is that smell?
You puke on your shirt.
Oh.
[mumbles]
What, do you think I want to make love to you?
I don't want to make love to you.
Sod it.
A cock in the mouth would be the perfect nightcap to this fuck
awful day.
[sighs] Got anything to drink?
What?
You think just because I'm Polish, I drink?
I work.
OK.
[laughs] [burps] Yeah.
Na Zdorovie!
Yeah.
Up your kilts.
[music playing]
[door opening and closing]
How are you?
Things are good, Joe.
Mandy's given you another chance.
Me and Jamie are back together.
Stop this.
What you going to do?
Are you going to kill me?
Is there a gun in your handbag.
I just did Mandy in this bed.
Do you, too.
Complete the set.
Like old times.
[door opening and closing]
How's your head?
Hey.
I don't know how you do it.
You beat her up.
And she still wants to come back to you
But you're getting a second chance,
so you count yourself the luckiest man alive for now.
Because if my sister so much as stubs a toe in your presence,
I'll cut off your head.
I'll film it.
I'll stick it on you YouTube, and I will hop,
skip, and jump into prison.
What are you two doing here?
Came to give him something.
Shane's pissed, isn't he?
Did I miss a meeting?
What are you doing here?
Came to scare the bastard. [shotgun cocking]
It's dealt with, Dad.
Hello, boys.
Chloral hydrate.
Untraceable.
Just let me stick it in the bastard!
[shouting] - Come on!
Get down
What's the fucking point?
Took a deep breath?
[metal dinging on floor]
No, no.
I've got it.
[music playing]
Come on.
Let's go get a pizza.
[music playing]
[door closing]
You tell or threaten to tell that lot about what happened
I'll just telling them you've been hitting Mandy,
even if you haven't.
Get it?
That 40 grand you lent me?
Mine.
Right?
Ah.
Welcome back to the family.
I'll just go and tell the nurse you just soiled yourself.
Oh, God!
And I have big feelings.
And I am articulate about them.
It's like there-- there is a stalactite
that hangs hard and cold from my heart to the pit of my stomach.
And I am cold inside, Frank.
Oh, stop fucking moaning, will you?
You're all lonely.
I'm lonely.
We're all fucking lonely!
Frank, you don't know what real loneliness is.
Oh, I'm don't?
Today, the social took my kids away!
And some random security guard is
the only person in this whole world I've
got to talk to you about it.
Well, I would have, if I could a fucking word in edgeways.
They took your children?
Why?
Can you get them back?
[scoffs] What am I going to do?
Sober up?
Roll over and play Dad?
I haven't got the fucking will.
You live with your children?
Then you don't know what loneliness is!
I would give anything to have what you have, Frank!
Well, what do I have?
[speaking in polish], Frank!
Well, what does that mean?
It doesn't mean I love you, does it?
Where are you going?
For a shit.
OK.
It's all my fault.
Oh, bollocks!
I went out, had a good time, and now they're gone.
And the worst thing is, is when I realized that they were gone,
a part of me--
a part of me was glad I didn't have to take care of them.
[sobs] And now Liam can't even call us.
He can't even call me to say how scared he must be!
[sobs] Stella has no idea where she is!
Debbie, I'm going in for a hug.
And I don't care what you say.
[sobs]
One thing, though.
If she was only doing it to get pregnant,
why did she give Dougie a blow job?
She let me do her up the ass, once.
Don't judge, Huey.
[laughs]
Debbie, get up here!
Ches, one minute.
It's Liam!
[music playing]
It's Liam!
Liam!
Liam, are you OK?
He's OK!
Where are you?
He's in Stockport.
Oh, Liam, we miss you so much!
Oh, look, everyone's here!
Say hi!
Liam!
Don't look at me like that.
At least, now you've all got a sporting chance.
Not that you need it.
You-- You all turned out just stunning.
I always thought that you can't be mine.
But then, you can't be your mom's either.
And you're all leaving.
Fiona?
Lip?
When the fuck do they come to visit.
And before you know it, Ian, Carl, Debbie.
And then what have I got?
You're my life's work.
My Sistine Chapel.
You might have been better off without me,
but I'm fucked without you.
And there it was.
That feeling.
Neurons forming.
Synapses firing.
Brain chemistry kicking in.
A decision being made like fucking granite.
Stella!
Liam!
Stellaliam!
[music playing]
[buttons clicking]
Oh, sh--
Norma, please!
It's 6:00 in the morning!
Just-- just one more go.
Fucking Fascists!
[music playing]