Tickets this way for the Chatsworth express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing
money or wives in your face?
Because this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented-- to calm us
all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates basic essentials.
They are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll cum on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
Scatter!
KAREN (VOICEOVER): We live in an age of no accountability.
Banks, celebrities, politicians--
it wasn't my fault. A big boy did it and ran away.
Mea culpa.
It was my fault. Not afraid [inaudible] too much nowadays.
But now and again, you have to accept it was your fault.
Whatever happened happened because of you.
And I know guilt is just God's way
of controlling us, reminding us that everything we do
has consequences.
Fucking works, though.
Makes you sick to your stomach knowing that something you've
done hurt hit someone else.
I won't give you [inaudible] if I
can't feed this [inaudible].
Time was a forger took pride in his work.
Prat!
[knocking]
KAREN: That for me?
Yes.
Thought you could do with cheering up.
Come and give us a kiss.
Oh.
Whatever happens between you and Jamie, I'm here, yeah?
No sides.
Come on, you.
Say bye bye to Auntie Karen.
Bye bye!
What?
Well, if you two are a couple of Dolly divers,
don't you think it's time you came out?
I'm not gay.
Yeah?
Prove it.
Thought not.
I can give you a list of names if you want.
No, no name.
It's all written on the back walls of the jockey toilets.
You did check that that's not Stella's healthy eating money.
Oh fuck.
No, that's Liam's school.
They want to see you and mum.
How?
Monica Gallagher?
[inaudible] to the stars? - Liam!
Your sister's gay and her butch mate Max.
Heard you rattling about downstairs through the night.
Couldn't sleep again?
No.
Maybe you should take [inaudible]
out for a coffee or something.
I don't tell you how to run your marriage, mum, do I?
Despite the obvious problems.
Paddy?
Paddy, I've got your tea.
PADDY: Yeah, well, I've just-- ack.
Ugh, wait a minute.
Thanks.
Thought you were going out.
I changed me mind. Open the door.
Open the fucking door!
I'm not gonna help you if you keep lying.
I'm dealing with it.
Jacking up in secret?
[grunt]
Punch as many walls as you like.
If you think for one minute I'm going to leave you alone
to fucking kill yourself, then you've
got another thing coming.
From now on, whatever you go, I go.
And if you have to shoot this shit into your system, then
at least I'll be here to pick up the pieces.
They want to call your parents in on a Saturday
for touching a girl's breast.
Try again.
Mel [inaudible] got her arm stuck down the drain trying
to get a ciggy she dropped.
Every-- [hiccup] everyone took a little pee on her.
Could be that.
Pissed on a girl!
LIAM: No, I faked it.
Story of my life.
When was this?
About three months ago.
Well, it's not that, is it?
It's not that!
That's everything I've ever done since I was like five.
Right, you. Get up.
Stand in the door. - What?
Stand in the door and turn.
All right, anybody had heard that Liam is smoke at lunchtime
raise their hands.
Oh, very illuminating.
Anything to tell us, Liam?
All right, but it was just those two times I smoked.
And I only did it then because I would
have got a kicking if I didn't.
Oh, that's very helpful.
Yeah, and this isn't toast.
It's bread with a mild fucking sun tan.
And what is that smell?
What?
Does [inaudible],, like a haddock's codpiece.
What you expect?
I'm a fish monger.
Fish monger's apprentice.
I'm earning a living.
Oh, gosh.
Carl!
Fuck off!
You're a vegetarian!
Norma, what are you doing later?
[inaudible].
End starvation in Africa, you know,
broker a peace deal between Israel and Palestine,
enlightenment.
Whatever it is, no.
Good luck!
What?
Dave!
Can I talk to [inaudible] a spell?
Fuck's sake.
[inaudible]
What are you doing?
Fresh air.
Oy!
Don't think so, young lady.
Did you think I wouldn't know it's a 20 mixed in?
Well, they wouldn't after you if you actually paid us.
You'll get paid.
Talking pocket money.
I'm 17.
Going on 13.
Keep your hands out of the fucking till.
Bit harsh.
You are the last person I would come
to for advice on mothering.
And take them off.
You look like Ozzy fucking Osbourne.
She doesn't mean anything by it.
She enjoys it!
The only reason she had us was to push us around.
That's not true.
It's not easy being a mum.
Come towers for a brew.
Your estrogen's pumping.
Don't you mean adrenaline?
No, that's for addicts.
Can I give you a hand?
No.
Well, then have you got any change for the Bandit, then?
We're not open yet.
Oh, go on.
It'll keep me out your hair.
What you think?
KAREN: Get all that stuff down to the cellar for us,
would you?
My shift doesn't start for five minutes.
Hi, mate.
Yeah.
Pass me one of them, please.
Get it your fucking self.
Eh, excuse me.
I'm after [inaudible].
And you're always going to be if you sit on your ass
and get served.
Bye Rog, love.
Regards to the missus.
Yes, love?
Can I help you?
Can I come in please, lady?
Rodney!
Hiya, m
Jamie, lager's off.
I'm on me break.
It's lunchtime.
And I get statutory 30 minutes.
Not anymore you don't.
You what?
You're sacked.
Go and find somewhere else to work.
Says who?
Karen McGuire, licensee.
How long you been planning this?
I could ask you the same question.
You may be the licensee, Karen, but if memory serves,
it's less than 12 months since both of our names
were on the mortgage for this shitehole.
So?
So you're going to have to buy me out.
Bollocks.
Where am I going to find 40 grand?
Not my problem.
But if you don't find a buyer, I will.
Last warning, Wurzel.
Wind in your pop eyes, or I'm off.
It's just distracting seeing you in Monica's [inaudible]..
Well, I don't have an out mumsy in my wardrobe.
I'd hardly call that mumsy.
Eyes front!
What if they ask us about date of birth, middle names?
Make it up. I do.
No one ever notices.
What's his teacher's name?
Who the fuck am I, Magnus Magnuson?
Mr. And Mrs. Gallagher?
Do you want to come through?
Have a good, long soak, son.
So what's the story [inaudible]??
He seems different.
No, I mean the very fact you got a son is just coming
down the wire for most of us.
Well, I never saw eye to eye with Brendan.
As soon as he was 16, they were out the door off to London.
Streets paved with gold and all that.
Teenage runaway?
No, he didn't run away.
Tossed him out by the scruff of the neck.
There were a lot of violence, you see.
Tough on him, was he, Brendan?
No, I used to battle [inaudible] pair of them,
always bickering.
Keep up, will you?
I suppose I could have more patients
and been more understanding.
Teenagers are hard work, Lillian.
This could be my second chance.
Oy!
Groupie!
Mitts off.
I was only trying to help.
Well, don't fucking bother!
Job's already taken.
Uh, I asked her.
What?
Hey, she don't take any shit and you--
you indulge me.
I indulge you?
Just for a couple of hours a day.
It'll take the pressure off her.
I'll pay her meself.
Your private, 17-year-old masseuse
I've got my eye on you.
I'll lose the Jockey.
I'll lose everything-- my home, my job, my future.
Have you tried the bank?
Your mum?
Hiya!
Not spoke to you for nigh on two years.
[inaudible] He's such a prick.
Yeah, but he's your prick.
You don't have to go through with it just to save face.
Marriage is more important than that.
That's exactly why I do have to go through with it.
If he's prepared to just walk, am I
supposed to fight to keep him?
Cal!
I will give you money not to come in
here when you smell like that.
It's my job!
You cannot give in!
It's my marriage.
If you back down now, you'll be pussy whipped
for the rest of your days.
She'll be wearing the trousers and you'll be her indoors.
Just don't want wounded pride to paint
us into a corner, that's all. - Listen.
Let me tell you something about women, mate.
The only reason they challenge you
is so that you'll put them in their place.
It's primal.
They want you to master them.
That's why you've got the balls.
So how come she holds this licensee thing
like a sword over me head?
Just telling you the way it is, mate.
Well, we recent ran tests to identify pupils
with natural leadership qualities
and Liam's score was off the scale.
Maths, IT, English-- he's at least
two years ahead of his peers.
With your permission, we'd like to suggest
Liam for the Kofi Annan Multifaith
Accelerated Learning Scheme.
Right, right.
Based in Caracas, it's an educational charity,
running intensive academic workshops
for kids from all over Europe!
Interviews start tomorrow with a three month's
residential end of the year.
Children who complete this program
often go on to top universities, well-paid jobs.
Oh, got a brochure.
[inaudible] classes, past student records.
I can arrange an interview for you if you like.
Any questions?
Oh, how much does it cost?
Given Mr. Gallagher's health issues--
Gulf War Syndrome, isn't it?
Yeah, bomb fine.
I'm in bits.
Well, you'd be eligible for 100% bursary.
Travel, hotels, expenses.
If you don't mind me saying, you don't
seem particularly enthused.
[interposing voices]
Just-- just overwhelmed.
Aren't we, love?
Bye, then!
Good luck!
I said no touching!
(SINGING) La cucaracha!
La cucaracha!
That's not Venezuelan. It's Mexican.
So?
It's all Spanish.
Ow!
It's broke, you know!
Good.
I've screwed meself raw.
I can still feel your clammy hand on it.
Anyway, we can't afford it.
I thought it was paid for.
Yeah, I'm talking about clothes, suitcases,
phone cards when he's away.
It won't be that much depth.
I could chip in. - No!
You can't just get because he wants.
Uh, easy there, less than supernanny.
This is a chance for the kid.
To do what?
Show off?
Make himself a target?
How do you even know they're going to look after him?
Thought it would be good fun.
Yeah, Debs, he's--
he's up for it.
Education is a right, not a privilege.
My sainted mother fought all her days for that.
Ey, we are exercising our right to give the kid a good start.
Well, he's still going to have to get through the interview.
Debs!
[knocking]
Come in.
Do you want to tell me what this is all about?
What?
With Liam-- we can't afford it.
Will he be safe?
Will he be spoiled?
That's not like you.
Well, maybe it should be.
Well, we never got chances.
We were bright.
I wasn't.
I was.
Year five, [inaudible] trip to Lisbon to look
at titles or calk or something.
I can't remember.
I could have gone free.
But mom and dad lost the form.
By the time they admitted, it was too late.
Ah, so Liam shouldn't get to go on this.
Year nine, two weeks in Russia for history.
Oh, no payments available for signature.
Yeah, [inaudible] you could have forged it.
That's not the point!
You know what?
Fair enough.
You're right.
Why should he get to go to Venezuela?
Selfish bastard.
What will you do now?
I'm [inaudible] enough for London.
I'll stay up here for a bit I reckon.
[inaudible] rough at first, but I'll get on my feet
in a year or two.
Stay here for a bit?
I wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be.
I-- I owe yo that at least.
Yeah, I suppose you do.
Not Might find a girlfriend, settle down.
Are you already set up?
What was it yo used to say?
Ever want a girlfriend?
Get down to the blind school.
What's the point to telling him
he's Brad Pitt when there's a mirror in the house?
So you've never had a girlfriend.
32 and still got me cherry.
Hm.
Kelly, love.
Don't worry if it's over quick.
Everyone's same first time.
Not a fan of London, then?
Not as such.
What did you do to [inaudible]??
Went to the palace, some footmen.
[inaudible] a bouncer at Stringfellows.
This ain't doing it for me, lady.
Might if we do doggy?
I found it in a skip.
Fish-- a fish monger.
Cool.
Nice one!
Another drink.
Drink, [inaudible]?
Yep.
Karen, pint of lemonade, large [inaudible],, one for the wife.
MIMI: No fella?
Work.
Feather in his nest?
Eh?
MIMI: Putting the hours in?
Getting ready for kiddies?
MANDY: A bit soon for this chap, mum.
Nobody knows what's in the future, Mandy.
Take your happiness while you can.
Front of the queue and now they [inaudible] weren't you?
Didn't thinking blokes could get a stiffy
when they're having a wee.
Yeah, well, they probably didn't
have a pretty girl holding them when they did that experiment.
I'm sure my son could manage that on his own.
[inaudible] be doing it if he could.
You think you could shag it off a little bit next time,
please?
Huh?
I'm just taking a piss, for fucks sake.
And I'm just keeping you company.
Karen, do us a favor?
Have Katie with you tonight.
Joe's coming over.
Course.
[inaudible] cheers.
Hello?
Get done for that.
Polite society usually wait until they're conscious.
I wasn't doing that.
Whatever.
[inaudible] wait!
Don't bother me if you're a flamer.
I'm not!
I've got a lump on me balls.
I was just checking to see that Carl's was the same.
And you didn't think to wait till he's awake
and just ask him
Well, it's not the sort of thing lads talk about, is it?
Plus, I'm bad from me GPs.
What's it like, this lump?
[inaudible] no, gristle.
Like a ball that's [inaudible].
Where?
Sort of like--
you can have a feel if you want.
I'll pass, [inaudible].
It's probably nothing.
But tomorrow, straight down to medical center to get it
checked.
- Fuck's sake! - Sh.
Where's Mandy?
She's asleep.
What are yo doing?
No way.
Get out.
Come on.
You want it just as much as I do.
She's my best mate.
I can't.
You can.
Karen?
[retching]
Cheers, mum.
Fuck the tea!
I carried you in my belly for nine months
and wiped your ass for years after.
I have a right to insist on being [inaudible]..
If you love her, if you love her,
don't be steamrollered to the point of no return
by your mates or by that stupid, stubborn streak
you've had in you since you were knee high.
If there's something in your marriage worth fighting for,
then do it.
And you were right with your smart ass comments
about problems in my marriage.
That's why you see me padding up and down here
like a fucking tea lady come nightmares.
Because there's something worth fighting for.
Stop moping around like a big fanny.
Sort your head out.
Make a decision.
That's all.
Right, OK.
This is as far as it goes, son.
Parents got to make themselves scarce, you know?
See how you cope under the scrutinizing eye
of the examiner.
It's not an exam.
It's an interview.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm just-- why the long face?
Said the jocking. Look, son.
You got a chance to do something interesting.
If you get it, great.
If not, fuck it.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes, that was the F word used as an active verb
in an idiomatic context.
God, I loved this place.
Taught me a lot.
You went to uni?
Well, not exactly.
I was about your age, a bit older maybe.
I began me education here, broadened me horizons.
Yeah, I learned the value of books.
Spent a lot time in the library.
What about Debbie?
Look, no, she'll support you, son.
She's just going through a cranky decade.
I'll-- I'll be around, yeah?
Fuck me.
I'll be in the lecture hall, Frank.
Sure you'll be all right, son?
Yeah.
You're becoming quite the reader, aren't you?
So Liam, why do you think you should get this chance?
Don't know.
You've been recommended by your school.
Must be clever.
Suppose.
Why Why is education important in society, Liam?
How could I collect?
His His trying to shag me lag!
Had its lipstick out and everything.
It was massive!
The dog, or his lipstick?
The dog.
Not good enough, Micky.
A man not fit to wipe my arse laughing at us.
Well, it's time to let them know I'm back in time.
So long, my love.
How do I look?
Like on our wedding day.
I won't let you die.
Thought I'd come for the ride.
Grand.
[distant voice]
Relax.
Look!
Your leg is moving!
How good am I?
Did you have much contact what you were in London?
First couple years.
I was surprised you were working in prime minister's office
at 18.
- Thought [inaudible] palace. - Palace?
Hm. Don't be soft.
What's going on?
It's uh, massage oil.
I coudl move me leg.
No, enough!
Twice is plenty for one morning.
What?
I'm the boss's son!
Not slow out the blocks, is he?
For someone who's just broke his duck.
Come on.
Thank you.
And the small sweetener we discussed?
Ever disrespect this family, then
I'll hunt you down and chop off your cock with a rusty blade.
Do you fucking hear me?
Now fuck off!
Yes.
I think we've seen enough, Liam.
Thank you.
- Easy, [inaudible]. - What in the name--
Sorry, sir.
This man's been apprehended stealing from the library.
Says his son's being interviewed here.
Well, it's all a mistake, kid.
- What did he steal? - A book.
I didn't steal it.
I liberated it.
Knowledge shouldn't be kept under lock and key.
- Give it back, dad! - Where is the book?
"The Joy of Sex."
It's a standard text!
An intelligent sex manual that is
serious without being solemn.
Look, if you're not going to put
him on the program because of all this, then it's your loss.
How much difference is it going to make for some kid who gets
dropped off at grammar school in a four by four every morning?
An experience like this could change Liam's life.
He hasn't exactly set the hair on fire.
Education, from the Latin educare is important in society
because more than money, more than status or wealth,
it frees a person from the physical circumstances
of their life and lets them come to their own opinion
of the world.
And you can stop looking down your nose at us
because education isn't a gift for you to give or hold back.
And if I don't get it here, I'll get it somewhere else.
You were doing so good up until that last bit.
Can we talk?
Please.
About what?
Everything, before it's too late.
I hope you don't mind, but we brought our own.
Celebrating?
A toast.
To?
Me, your new partner.
No fucking way!
He offered.
He's me boyfriend.
What was I gonna do, not tell him?
You're buying me out?
Well, I was going to ring, mate,
but Mandy felt it better face to face.
[inaudible] he's got cash.
The fuck do you get out of it?
It's a little estate.
Pubs can earn a mint, mate, as long as they're run right.
Well, we don't want it.
Well, I'm afraid it's not up to you.
Jamie?
Does my name go on the license?
It's yours, mate.
Jamie!
Look, don't worry, Karen.
I promise to be more of a sleeping partner.
How could "The Joy of Sex" mean a lot to you?
Don't jump to conclusions, smart ass.
Something profound happened.
[sex sounds]
Was it [inaudible]?
Watch your mouth out!
No!
It's just two horny students of ordinary vision.
It was an epiphany.
It made me realize that there's more to life than books.
That's what books taught me.
SECURITY GUARD: OK, will do.
Apparently you can go.
Oh, great.
Uh, what about--
I wouldn't hold your breath.
Come on, son.
What did the doctor say?
Well--
Micky, for fuck's sake!
Yeah, it's-- fuck off!
I'm an auxiliary nurse.
I've seen more cocks than George Michael's jacuzzi.
Ah, bit delicate say.
No on that one.
Ricky, I'm [inaudible] shit!
Fucking hell.
It's not what it looks like!
Well, you might want to close the door.
- Look what you're done now! - Me?
Thinks we're at it!
Fuck off.
There is no lump, is there?
I'm not a puff.
Ah!
All right, but if Carl knows out,
he'll suss I've been looking at his knob.
His knob's [inaudible] had worse.
You've had them? I'm confused.
How come?
Because I don't know if I've got a semi on because I'm
thinking about Carl or because you're still fondling
me bollocks.
Oh!
I feel that's what we've got.
Unrequited lust.
Huh.
I've had mine requited.
Do with a bit more requiting.
Are you sure about this story?
Yes!
Well, just let me know if I'm being a gooseberry.
She was wanking me off.
Needed a few quid.
[inaudible] pay us shite.
I didn't enjoy it.
Me neither.
He's a good-looking lad.
Yeah, he is.
Christ, he smells like a [inaudible]..
Uh, I thought we were gonna gip.
I was trying to help.
Next time, don't bother.
I can't win with you.
If I help, you're in a strap.
If I don't, you're still in a strap.
You of all people should know the shit
that you just dropped me in.
Meaning what?
Meaning that Joe's going to be on me fucking
back just like he's on yours.
Don't dare insult me by denying it again.
We're out of tonic.
I'll pop out and get some.
Mimo.
What?
I need time on my own.
I thought I could do this, but my head's exploding.
I need some relief.
Just 10 minutes is all I'm asking.
Do it, then.
But I'll be there.
I didn't want this.
I know.
I had no choice.
Hush now.
Forgive me.
I already have.
It's all her fault. Should never have fell for her.
She did this.
She-- she-- she-- she did this.
Squeeze.
Come on, hard.
[inaudible] really go for it.
Don't fucking think so!
Just doing his exercises.
I'll exercise your fucking face!
[inaudible], no!
Look, me hand!
I can-- I can move it!
Not sure whether to hug you or hack
you to bits, fucking tramp.
I got no pleasure out of it.
(IMITATING) Hard! Harder!
Again!
It's a bit of encouragement.
She did fix my hand, [inaudible]..
Get him walking again, I'll double what he's paying you.
But no shagging, groping strictly with clothes on.
Sound.
Looking for Rodney Tyler.
Thought you might like this.
You don't look too happy for a man
who's just been given 40 grand.
Just never thought it would come to this.
It's what she wanted, mate.
Look after her, will you?
Shit!
Butterfingers.
Last night, fucking A, so what?
It never happened.
She me best mate.
Her little girl in my room while I fuck her bloke.
What sort of a cunt does that make me?
The best sort.
What?
It stops now.
This belongs to me now.
End of.
Pensioners in Wiggin!
Think they'd have enough misery in the lives living in Wiggin.
We got you robbing them of the life's savings.
How could you, Rodney?
It's all a misunderstanding, mum.
Don't even fucking go there!
And you?
You might have told me that the fucking elephant man here
were a pathological liar before I took
him upstairs and humped him.
He said he'd changed!
That's what liars fucking do!
I should go.
Thanks for not saying anything.
Don't try the pathetic out with me, or you'll have
your bollocks for paperweights!
Wait.
I can't [inaudible] street empty handed.
Are you mental?
I have a responsibility as a mother.
Nice one, mum!
You are one soft touch, Lillian.
It's the counterfeits?
What?
The forged bank notes.
I have a responsibility.
I can't have him going round robbing old ladies.
As soon as he starts to spend that, he'll get lifted.
You crafty cow!
I'm doing it because I have to, not
because it makes me happy.
[knocking]
Can I come in?
They hand-delivered it.
Open it, then.
I'll burn it, you know, if you want.
Why would I want you to do that, idiot?
Cause you scared I'm going to go away, get [inaudible],,
and never come back.
No.
I pray for that every night.
I'm so proud of you, Liam!
You open it.
You got it!
You got in!
Carl, AJ, he got in!
He got in!
Dad!
FRANK: What?
SISTER: Mom! - No way.
FRANK: Stop shout
[interposing voices]
KAREN (VOICEOVER): We're always happy in life, always,
to accept responsibility and plaudits for the good things
that happen.
But when it comes to the bad, we start casting
around for whose fault it is.
My advice-- have a look in the fucking mirror.
We're each responsible for our own actions
and the consequences that result.
It's a 21st century disease, avoiding responsibility.
Well, not me.
Mea culpa.
Mea maxima culpa.
And let the chips fall where they may.
[theme music]
So, Jerry, this is what you really want, is it not?
Yes, Frank!
Really!
Good, because I'm already on page 23.
Bastard!