[music playing]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch Pikeys making a mess of our lives
they were given by him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing
money and wives in your face.
Because this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented--
to calm us all down.
Stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Scatter.
Party.
MIMI MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): My granddad used to keep pigeons.
Flying rats, me ma called them.
Kept threatening to torch the cage
because she was sick of cleaning up shit in the yard.
[screams] But I loved them.
They could get whatever they wanted,
as far as they could be asked to fly.
And at the end of the day, they always came out.
One of these pigeons was a right a little
scully that would fly off in a straight line and keep going.
The number of times Grandad caught the train
down south to pick him up--
Trouble is, even family can stray too far.
[yells]
[screams]
Fuck.
PADDY: Easy mistake, granted, but the last time
you clowns make it.
Go on. Get.
Come on.
You smell of piss.
Where the fuck have you been?
It's a long story.
Look at the state of you.
Have you any idea how worried I was?
Not one fucking phone call.
It was out of my control.
I thought you were dead or gone.
You should know better than that.
I want every fucking detail, Paddy.
CARL GALLAGHER: All right, we've got two coronation chicken, one
crab pate, three ham and cheese, one
pastrami swiss with no pickles on rye, and a tuna melt.
I hope it's tuna friendly.
It's dolphin friendly.
It's dolphin sandwiches.
[gasps] Here he is.
LIAM GALLAGHER: Dad?
Dad?
Mommy, come.
You were dreaming about her.
Who?
Mom.
She's not coming back?
Shit paper, son--
yesterday's news.
Come on, time to move on.
Why?
Why is she gone, again?
You're asking me?
I'm not the abandoner.
I'm the abandonee.
[sighs] One small left, holding the babies--
plural.
On me own.
Everybody's on their own.
The only person you can ever really rely on is yourself.
You're not alone.
You got family, we're together.
Family is a lie.
It's an excuse people like you use to keep us here.
And it only works until something better comes along.
Hey, hey, come here.
We'll be all right, kiddo.
I promise.
Don't promise what you can't deliver, dad.
[music playing]
PADDY: I didn't take the money to the meet.
Why do you think they held us captive?
What?
So there's a shit load of cash sitting in some motel
room in Spain somewhere?
Well I could hardly go back for it, could I?
They was swarming the fucking place looking for me.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, I have no appetite.
So why did they shave your head?
I didn't think to ask.
So who was the contact?
Jesus christ, what's with the 20 questions?
I'm lucky to be here at all.
William was fucking shark bait.
How about a thought for his family, huh?
WOMAN: Dad.
What happened?
Look at your hair.
PADDY: Oh, I'm fine.
Kitty, it's so good to see you.
MICKY MAGUIRE: So what happened to [inaudible]??
He drowned, you dick head.
You can't swim four hours with a stab wound to your chest.
Who is [inaudible]?
I haven't a fucking clue, son.
Called in sick so we could make a start.
Oh, nice one, Max.
Want to get lost?
It's fine.
No, no, no, no.
Hey, get a room for fuck's sake.
I'm trying to get a kid off to school, here.
Oy, Liam, your coat.
Don't lose that.
Dinner money.
Go off to school or something.
Since when were you Liam's escort to school?
Come on, out.
Out.
Ah, since he's supposed to be looking after Stella.
Fuck's sake.
Single parent-- sole responsibility.
Like you all are, again.
More fucking kids than Angelina Jolie.
Don't swear.
You absolve everything at her age.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Oh really?
Richard and Judy tell you that, did they?
DEBBIE GALLAGHER: Yeah, well, at least he's making an effort.
What have you done?
After nine kids-- plenty.
Plenty?
FRANK GALLAGHER: Don't fucking give me that.
DEBBIE GALLAGHER: You do nothing in this house.
Yeah, cause you do nothing. I do everything in this house.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
[interposing voices] - Auntie Iris is dead.
--justify myself to you.
What?
Auntie Iris is dead.
Who's Auntie Iris?
AUNTIE IRIS (ON TV): This is the last will
and testament of Iris Gallagher, being of sound mind and body.
Hello, Frank, it's me, Auntie Iris.
Bad news-- must be dead, if you're watching this.
But I've had a good innings.
Auntie Iris.
We're cut from the same cloth, Frank, which is why I'm leaving
it all to you and the kids.
[laughter]
You chummy bastard.
What, have I missed something, here?
DEBBIE GALLAGHER: We're minted.
CARL GALLAGHER: How are we minted?
LIP GALLAGHER: A four bedroom house in Alderley Edge--
it will be worth a fortune.
Hang on.
DEBBIE GALLAGHER: No, dad, you're not spoiling it.
This is our chance to get out, to be something.
Like, he wouldn't be here if he had the choice.
Crap school is holding him back so much,
he'll be written off by the time he's my age.
I can-- I could do anything, you know like,
be one of those posh bitches, driving around in my four
by four.
We're minted!
Yeah!
Woo!
See?
Till something better comes along.
There is one other thing--
this is Marilyn.
LILLIAN TYLER: It's another consumer-focused business.
We value customer feedback.
Could you fill that in and pop it in me box, love?
you'll be entering into a draw for a free hour
with the girl of your choice.
Mastering communication in business.
It's no good the baby not knowing
when the cock's crowing.
What the fuck you on about?
The boss, that's me, communicating
with the worker, that's you.
Maybe it's my fault that you haven't done so well, love.
What the fuck's this?
It's your performance review.
Technical ability-- six out of 10.
Teamwork-- 3?
Well you are a bit of a loner.
You should join in with Trixi and Stacy.
Peer mentoring is an essential part of modern enterprise.
I'm sure you'll up your game before your next review.
Or what, I get the sack?
It's a brothel.
It's the oldest business in the world.
It's fucking insulting.
You know what?
I resign.
You can stick your technical ability up your ass.
[music playing]
TV): Yes.
[inaudible] Ooh, that's nice.
Very pretty, but not worth anything--
MIMI MAGUIRE: You lying fuck.
You going to sleep for hours?
Catching up on me.
I've missed you.
I've missed you, too, angel.
That will be the last trip for a while.
Fucking better be, if you value your testicles.
Need to apply for a new passport,
and driving license, and all that shit?
Where does it hurt?
I'm fine, Mimo.
Just-- please--
Put the kettle on for when you're ready.
Sorry about that.
I need you to find somebody for me.
JAMIE MAGUIRE: So what, is he going to go back out there
and get these fuckers, or what?
No, no.
I think he's just happy to be alive, isn't he?
I wonder why they just shaved his head
though and not his beard.
Inspection.
Wedding license tomorrow-- we need to smarten the place up.
Is that tomorrow?
I've told you four times.
Oh yeah, so you have.
So why the shit-eating grin?
I've been to see my parole officer.
He said I've been a good boy long enough,
and the council might be sympathetic to me
getting my name above the door.
My name is already above the door.
Yeah, I know, but we can be joint licensee's--
landlady, landlord.
I hope you don't think I'm being presumptuous,
but I popped out and got the paperwork.
I'm up to me eyes right now.
You could lend a hand.
Well, yeah.
I will.
I've quit Lillian's, part in principal.
I've got 46 pounds, 23 pence to my name, Kelly.
How much have you got?
LIAM GALLAGHER: What an amazing life.
She played poker with Fidel Castro.
MONICA GALLAGHER: She was a showgirl in Las Vegas.
The rat pack, John Kennedy-- she were a right little goer.
Yeah, and with Gallagher blood in her veins.
Maybe we're not all doomed to be like dad.
Yeah, cause that would be tragic, wouldn't it?
Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that.
Finished dividing up the spoils, have you?
You got to admit, it's exciting--
new life in there.
Did you sneeze your brains out over winter?
There is no new life.
Why not?
FRANK GALLAGHER: Because I'm selling.
You're not going anywhere. You're staying put.
Are you really that selfish?
No, no, no no.
I'm thinking about the family.
We're the family, and we're thinking of moving.
No.
You're prepared to deny Stella the chance of a better life?
That's a low blow, Debbie.
And since when was living in a posh gaff
more important than a baby being with her dad.
Since you were her dad.
All right.
Fine.
Leave the fucking nest then-- lot of ya.
See how far it gets you.
So what we got here, then?
Oh no, we've been rumbled.
Think of the scandal and the shame.
Leave that alone.
Get off me.
But we were so good together.
You won't get away with this.
Oh, I think we might, Mr. Bennett.
You wouldn't want the wife to know you been shagging hookers.
Or the boss.
I'm presuming this is a business trip.
Could always call the cops--
make a formal complaint. Didn't think so.
The pleasure has been all ours.
Candy from a baby.
Mr. Mastercard meet Mr. Visa.
All the children.
Dad's going to shit his self when he heats about this.
No.
This is our thing.
It's fuck all to do with the family.
Eh, it all goes in the same pot.
So your old man can dispense the pocket money?
Haven't had much of late, have you?
I'm out the door at Lilian's, and it's us
pulling the grafting . Fair is fair.
OK. Fine.
Can you let go, please?
You're twisting me nipple.
[music playing]
What's going on?
He won't let us in.
Do we have to sell?
Dad?
I sleep at hers for one night, and you let this happen.
I didn't do owt.
I knew I'd get blamed.
[knocking on door]
New doors are expensive, Debs.
Stop pissing about.
Go away.
I'm freeing you from the shackles of family.
I'm finished being the weight that holds you
back from your wonderful life.
Oh, don't be stupid.
Look, you can't blackmail us.
I can, and I am.
Hey, go and see if the streets of Alderley Edge
are indeed paved with gold.
Yeah, you look after number one.
And take your brother with you.
He needs convincing.
I'm not going.
What is the point?
Well, fine.
We will.
What, now?
Well, just to see what it's like.
[baby crying]
Ssh.
Relax, relax, relax.
You're playing a dangerous game, Frank.
I know what I'm doing.
[music playing]
You cannot beat me.
I am the fucking man.
I am the man.
Paddy, you on the phone?
PADDY MAGUIRE: No, sweet pea, just singing to myself.
[humming]
Mr. Wallace, [inaudible] Wallace?
Oh, sorry to bother you.
PADDY MAGUIRE: Wrong number?
How long you been there?
Long enough.
Wanted to pay my respects to [inaudible] wife.
That's not his real name, and even if it was,
he wouldn't be in the phone book.
You were never in Spain.
We don't lie to each other-- golden rule.
I had plenty more for a rainy day.
Are you doubting my word?
What am supposed to think?
Something's not right, Paddy.
Something's happened.
Look at the state of ya.
I've got a bug is all.
It's hardly surprising.
I know the consequences if I lie to you, for us.
Why would I do that?
Where you going?
PADDY MAGUIRE: Work.
You're not well.
I'm well enough to see the business
is going down the [inaudible].
[music playing]
How far have we walked?
It's gotta have the address.
I've checked 10 times.
It's not there.
Well it's got to be around here somewhere.
She had a massive oak tree behind her on the tape.
That hardly narrows it down.
This is fucking tree world.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, we're looking for--
Afternoon.
Hi, yeah, we're looking for a house owned by the name of Iris
Gallagher-- died recently.
Sorry.
Oh, she got a massive oak tree outside, like something
out of English heritage.
We're not going to nick anything, you know?
You think just because of the way we look and talk,
we're going to rob you?
Oh, come on you two.
I'm not wasting my money in this shithole.
The nerve on her.
Crisps?
Coke can?
[music playing]
What's going on?
He's adding a new cocktail.
We're going to call it the nuptial.
I thought we couldn't afford any new staff.
Yeah, well, if I let him stare at me ass, he'll work for free.
He thinks I don't notice.
And we only need him for weddings.
Sorry, it's husband and wife stuff--
private.
I'm invisible.
She doesn't notice me staring at her ass either.
Who in their right mind wants to get married in here, Karen?
Morning pilates, breakfast opening,
quiz nights, battle of the bands, theme night, strippers--
everyone. My idea.
I got us into the pub league, didn't I?
Oh yeah, only so you can have a game yourself.
A bit of support now and then won't go amiss.
Got any plans for tonight?
I'm a twice married, if twice deserted man, Karen, I'm not so
sure your spouse would approve.
In your dreams.
Frequently.
I mean, well you're moving, aren't you?
Oh, I see bad news travels as fast as a skier
down a waste pipe.
You should have a party.
You know, invite the regulars.
I'll even throw in a couple of barrels.
Karen, when have you, out of the kindness
of your little stone heart, ever done anything for me?
Since I needed you and the rest of yous out of here
when the council come round to inspect
me for a wedding license.
[music playing]
Deal?
Deal.
[laughing]
PADDY MAGUIRE: Don't you walk away from me.
Don't go.
[music playing]
I was a nurse.
It's all right Patrick, I know what I'm doing.
Please, stop.
MIMI MAGUIRE: Don't know what to think.
Something doesn't add up.
KELLY BALL: It's fellas though, isn't it?
Need a map to the truth sometimes.
No offense. - It's all right.
I don't think of myself as a fella, when I'm with you.
Get me fags.
Nausea, vomiting, air loss--
I'd almost think that you--
What were you going to say?
Nothing.
Oh my god.
KELLY BALL: Sit down.
You got any Aspirin?
Bathroom cabinet.
Shit.
Patrick, wake up.
Patrick?
[screams]
Big mistake letting me go.
I've had this question running round and round in my head--
are children nature or nurture?
Do you know what DN-fucking-A my kids inherited?
By rights they should be inside or dead.
But they're not.
And why?
Because I've been there for them every step of the way.
So you ask yourself, who was responsible
for your little tootsie?
Me?
I don't think so.
[crying]
This addiction will not defeat me, you bitch.
You will not defeat me, you bitch.
How fucking dare you!
[screaming]
Jesus, god.
Nurture over nature and your little one
will be fine and dandy.
Everything else is just an excuse.
[music playing]
Fuck!
[laughing]
[phone ringing]
Dad?
I've just been to our storage facility.
The cupboards bare of anything that sells at a premium.
Yeah, because I shifted every last grain.
You fucking idiot.
Never sell all your stock.
Always plan for contingencies.
SHANE MAGUIRE (ON THE PHONE): Getting more in on Thursday.
Don't sweat. - Wrong.
You're getting more in today. - I can't.
I'm busy, I'm--
PADDY MAGUIRE (ON PHONE): I'm busier.
That was not a request.
[music playing]
Oh, fuck.
Well, well, well, what we got here, then?
Don't you people ever knock?
I would have put it outside the door.
Go easy on the starch.
You didn't have to shag him.
Well you went AWOL.
Yeah, well it was my dad's fault.
They're doing me head in about getting some gear in.
What's his big rush?
Ah, fuck knows.
LIAM GALLAGHER: Walking for hours.
If we pass a bus stop, I'm going home.
Excuse me, we're looking for a house.
You need to be more specific than that, love.
Iris Gallagher, lived alone, died recently.
Landed on your feet working here, mate.
You think so?
12 hours a day working on me hands
and knees for minimum pay.
Polish kids will do it for half the price.
Yeah.
All me birthdays landed at once, so--
CARL GALLAGHER: House like that.
Must have a bit of bob.
MAN: Well she's not short of a few quid--
lives by herself.
She rattles around the empty rooms
all day, like the ghost of Christmas fucking miserable.
Husband fucked off [inaudible].
She got the house.
The kids grow up, buggered off to South America.
Mrs. McGuire?
Sammy Harway?
Samantha.
I've not seen you since--
Since you shagged Ben at my 16th.
Right.
Sorry about that.
Don't be.
You did me a favor.
Can't argue-- bad breath, came before he was out of his pants.
I meant you did me a favor, because it made him realize
there's only one woman for him.
We've been married three years, now.
Council Civil Ceremony Department.
You've applied for a wedding license?
[music playing]
[drunken singing]
How was it?
It was bloody awful.
Screw you, Chatsworth.
You tell 'em, kidda.
Oh, oh, oh.
You need to talk to me, Paddy.
I thought I had been.
I can help.
We can get through this together.
Get through what?
I know.
It's nothing to be afraid of.
Stick together-- we can beat anything.
It's not a death sentence these days.
Plenty of cancers disappear with a bit of treatment.
Cancer.
Don't be afraid to say--
we're strong.
We are Mimi.
We're strong.
Excuse me, darling.
Oh, sorry, love.
Just trying to cripple competition?
Where is it?
He said, tomorrow.
Come on, son, do your old man a favor, huh?
What do you want him to do, magic it out of his ass?
I'd've thought he'd've ripped your head off.
He must be ill.
I'll get you a drink.
Argh!
[yelling] Fuck.
Oh. KID: You a copper?
Does he owe you money?
No.
Want a score, then?
How old are you?
Do you want it or not?
Ow, bastard.
You were so confident at school.
So, bring it on.
I thought I'd end up marrying Ryan Giggs,
or living in London, or something.
Chance would be a fine thing.
So how'd you end up marrying a Maguire then?
I mean, it's a bit of an under-achievement, isn't it?
Well you got to settle for what you can get, haven't ya?
Going out, love?
[music playing]
Could always sell it.
Buy an house round here.
We'd have cash to spare.
That's not point.
I feel like a dick, banging on about better chances in life.
Yeah, well, what's this about?
Is this about Auntie Iris' house or your pride?
Well, it's dad though, going on about family,
and then he locks us out.
I hate the thought of proving him right.
Wait a minute, he locked you out?
Yeah, he threw us out more like.
Well that's weird.
Why would dad volunteer to be on his own?
Who'd look after him?
She's using you, mate.
You do just as much around that place as she does, if not more.
What's this?
Not now, sweets-- man talk.
Karen is off her head if she thinks she
can run that place without you.
You want to draw a line in the sand, mate,
and refused to be pushed around.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate.
[music playing]
[disappointed groans]
I'll be supplying the flowers, be catering, cake, of course--
we've also got a [inaudible] limousine service available.
[crowd talking]
What the fuck?
It's 8:00 Frank.
I'll just have a pint of lime and two Es.
Was it not Chairman [inaudible] who said,
the party is all-powerful.
I think I'll leave you to it.
No, wait.
Look, you haven't even seen the center pieces on the tables.
Samantha, please-- Samantha--
Sorry, I tried to stop them, but you
know what this lot are like.
[inaudible] of the Gallaghers, apparently.
Fucking bastard.
I'm saving you from yourself, Karen.
it's a chance worth spitting sawdust, not
a Gretna Green B-and-fucking-B.
Get the fuck out of my pub.
Oh, you're pub?
Because my name is on the door, remember?
Yeah, like you'd let me fucking forget?
Well, a the criminal record-- now,
that's not good for business.
No, it's not about my record.
No, it's not.
It's about all your records.
Huh, Maguire?
I will sell my fucking soul to the devil
before I let you get your claws into the Jockey.
Or maybe, that's just the same thing.
Sign the application, or I walk.
Never.
[music playing]
KELLY BALL: You may be able to fool the rest of them,
but not me.
What the fuck do you want?
KELLY BALL: Do you know Mimi thinks you've got cancer?
How does that make you feel?
Mind your own business.
KELLY BALL: You're a junkie, Paddy.
I'm not a fucking junkie.
I've been there.
Big, scary, invincible Paddy McGuire, as vulnerable
as the rest of us.
Leave me alone, please?
Jesus, you really are in deep.
I'm not.
First step is admitting it to yourself.
Help me, please.
Come here.
If you knew the shit you're going
to suffer trying to beat this, you'd beg me to kill you now.
[music playing]
Karen?
Just had to see for yourself, didn't you?
Just open it.
You were always going to get it.
We need somewhere around here.
Been using the outlying area-- have
to spend a fortune on security as soon as we get
a booking from Chatsworth.
I've got it?
MAN: That's Brilliant
Well done.
[music playing]
Mimo--
Phoned round all the hospitals, just in case.
Pathetic little [inaudible] does.
Then got Micky to drive me around scouring the streets,
in case you'd been left in an alley, been in an accident.
We got back an hour ago.
Where were you?
Slept in the lock-up.
Any particular reason?
Needed some space.
Our marriage is hanging by a thread, Paddy,
because you're lying to me.
Do you have cancer?
No.
No, cancer.
I got myself involved in some business that I shouldn't have.
I'm not telling you, because it will be nasty,
and the less you know, the better.
Bullshit.
The less you know, the better.
Somebody is going to die, Mimi, here, close by,
for what was done to me.
And if you don't know, they can't link you to it.
Don't give up on me.
I will handle it.
[music playing]
Oh, is this a family I see before me?
You locked them out.
Yes, I did--
prerogative of the disenfranchised father.
Bollocks.
You're a lot of things, dad, but there is no way you'd volunteer
to be without your family.
You'd be fucked.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Oh, would I?
Well maybe I felt a dawning sense of liberation
these past 24 hours?
You had 6 Es last night, could be that?
He was making a point.
Why else would you lock them out?
Well, I don't know, smartarse.
You're the one with the answers.
There is no house.
What?
- He made it up. - You were there.
We heard the will.
I did not make it up.
I may have omitted a few facts.
I fucking knew it.
It is the same principle.
Fucking greed.
Greed.
Me. Me.
As soon as they thought there was something in it--
We're not going.
We decided that yesterday.
Oh why? were the stables too small?
No, because we want a family, because we want you.
Thought about it, but something better came along.
He means you.
Yeah, I know what he means, thank you.
Well, I hope you've all learned your lesson.
CARL GALLAGHER: Which is?
Think of your father before you think of others.
You are full of shit, dad.
It's my job.
So what's happened with Elsa?
If you'd have read the small print,
you'd have realized that Auntie Iris
resided temporarily in Alderley Edge, amongst other places.
So you always knew that there wasn't a house?
Yeah.
Iris was a degenerate gambler.
She lived like a gypsy her whole life.
Never had tuppence in her pocket.
So all that stuff about Castro and Frank Sinatra--
Yeah, all true.
She may have been the black sheep,
but she lived a hell of a life.
That's why she was my favorite auntie
and I was her favorite lad.
From this box to her last box.
Nobody to say goodbye.
Oh, I think she was trying to find her way home.
Looks like the mountain came to Mohammed.
I found a buyer.
You sold it already.
You can't look a gift horse, Debbie.
40 quid?
She was overdue on her ground rent a couple of years,
and I've deducted my firm's expenses.
[laughter]
Oh no, not again.
You're a prostitute.
Have a look in the mirror, chum.
A face like yours is enough to make
a working girl go straight.
Mr. Thompson?
She approached me.
Oh right, I'm sure your wife will understand then.
You thought it was a freebie.
What was that for?
There's something I need to tell you, about your dad.
MAN: I'm calling the police.
Go ahead.
Maybe they'll put us in the same cell.
He's pushing you to get hold of heroin, because he's using.
Come on Shaney, it were only a knock.
Shane?
Norma's a [inaudible].
[interposing voices]
MIMI MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): Some people
see coming home as a failure--
Oh, very good.
MIMI MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): --like they
haven't been able to do the whole wide world
thing on their own.
Courtesy of Auntie Iris--
Gallagher through and through.
Nice ones.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Hey, hey, hey, well
help yourselves, why don't you?
CARL GALLAGHER: Did you shake it up?
You shook it up, haven't ya?
MIMI MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): But sometimes coming home
is the hardest thing to do.
But it's not a place you can hide,
not from family, at least.
Home is not some last desperate refuge.
Oh, Shane, wake up, please.
An ambulance.
I need an ambulance.
MIMI MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): It's where you can reach out
for help, and find the strength to get back out there
and prove the cunts wrong.
My grandad's scully pigeon came home, eventually,
FedExed back from France in a box, what
was left of the poor thing.
[music playing]
MAN: So in your opinion, should we
be steering our focus groups in the way of the beaver,
or the cock?
Like I tell my girls--
think cock, act beaver.
Questions?