[sirens]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by Him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money,
or wives in your face?
Cause this, people reckon--
and me included-- is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates' basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Scatter!
Party!
MONICA (VOICEOVER): A very important business person
once said if you do nothing in life--
well, then you become nothing.
You have to get out there and make it happen.
Come to think of it, it was someone off "The Apprentice."
They got fired in the first week, but you get the point,
don't you?
It's up to you to get what you want.
If all you want in life is to be needed,
then you have to make yourself needed.
Look out for people.
Help them when they're struggling.
Always try to do the right thing.
Or the best way to get people to want, need, and love
you is to just stop short.
Marylin Monroe to Kurt Cobain, just stop short.
Always-- always leave him wanting more.
Debbie!
[shouting]
Stella!
No way!
The washer's broke!
Again?
Liam!
On me way.
Maxine, Carl, towel.
It's like being in ward 3C all over again.
Maternity?
Geriatrics.
Norma!
Fucking noise in this place.
Well, quick.
Let us through.
Why don't you shit in a courier bag in the yard, you
fucking--
I'm not here for the bog.
Washer's broke.
Sorry we disturbed ya.
Where are ya going?
Jockey.
No!
But I made ya breakfast!
That's what we're gonna be talking about today--
storage and shelving.
So, let's get on to it.
We're gonna start off with a panel board.
These pine panel boards, put these together,
will come in around about 7 pounds--
Get off!
Watch it, lad.
What have you took that out for?
Me and Kel are making our own porn, aren't we?
Who'd want to watch you two at it?
We'll make a fortune.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
A mint more than your shit toss stories, anyway.
Ah!
I'll fucking kill ya!
No!
Pack it in, you two.
Stop horsing about.
Paddy. - Hiya.
Sorry to--
The fuck are you doing, marching in here?
Well, it was on the latch.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to be any bother.
I just wanted to drop this in.
Well, it is today, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
Thought so.
Here.
Past is history.
Future's a mystery.
Presents-- a gift.
That's what it should have said, only
I'm not very good at icing.
Thanks.
It's dead nice.
And don't worry--
I made it with raspberry jam, because I know
Paddy doesn't like strawberry.
Is he around?
Any minute now.
Right.
Well-- best leave you to it.
Shouldn't have took it.
Don't be so ungrateful.
Take it over there.
And if you drop it, I'll fucking drop you.
Dad'll be back.
I know it.
Of course he will.
It's our anniversary.
He'd walk across broken glass and swim seven seas.
And fucking sprout fucking wings, if need be.
He'll be here.
[knocking]
Come on, will ya?
Got a throat like a nun's joff, here.
Fucking whatever happened to the 24 hour drinking culture?
Broken fucking dreams.
Hey!
Come on.
Fuck for that.
Come on, let us get past.
Sorry, Frank.
What?
Invited guests only.
Private fucking function?
Pissing down here.
Oh, now it all adds up, doesn't it?
Yeah. Fucking Maguire conspiracy.
Well, we're not going to take it.
This is our pub.
We want it back!
Come on.
You with me?
Come on, are you with me?
[coughing]
Bless you.
Yeah.
Just fuck off, will ya, space man?
Hey, I've gotta get this man to--
Oh, Never mind.
You got his fags.
Tah-dah!
I heard the Jockey was gonna be closed.
Yeah, you was right.
Is that fucking--
I thought we could share 'em.
You know what thought did, don't ya?
Fucking hell!
Freemasons, golfers, magicians--
fucking magic circle cunts.
Think they can just put up a little sign that says private,
and that's it.
They've got carte fucking blanche to spend
all night fisting each other.
Private fucking function.
Wedding anniversary, innit?
Yeah, Mandy's put us on the guest list.
Guest list?
MONICA: I, Monica Raquelle Dallimore
take you, Francis Vernon Gallagher,
to be my lawfully wedded husband.
[gasping]
It's a free bar.
Where are you off out?
What's it got to do with you?
Shopping.
You want aught?
Fags.
You can't get what I need.
You want something, you.
Whatever it is, you're not getting it.
Out!
[inaudible]
Come on, get the fuck out
Now!
Now Ah!
You-- you fucking mad man.
The fuck you-- get the fuck away from the car.
What, do you want your bag?
The Bosa?
This here's the Bosa.
How long have you been in there?
Are you listening to me?
Are you fucking listening to me?
Eh?
Who the fuck are ya?
KELLY: Lens cap.
Oh-- oh, yeah.
Oh!
[moaning]
KELLY: Fuck!
[moaning]
SHANE: Aw, for fuck's sake.
KELLY: Hang on a sec.
[moaning]
[whooping]
[moaning]
Peg.
What, I could have been done for smuggling.
Or trafficking.
Whatever it is.
You hid a kid--
You hid a fucking deaf kid in the car.
What am I supposed to do with him?
Peg.
Peg!
Leave me alone.
Read my lips and--
Look, Danny-- your auntie Peg asked
me to take you to a house.
Your granddad's house, yeah?
Fuck this.
I just meant to bring the car back.
I didn't sign up for this.
What, you think you can buy me?
Come on.
Oi!
Oi-- oi, Danny.
Oi.
What are you doing?
- That's the last one. - No.
But-- I do have another little something for ya.
Oh, yeah?
Whatever it is you want, you're not getting it.
Come on. Come on.
Oi.
Yeah.
[moaning]
You're not getting it.
Still not having it.
Sit right here.
Ow!
SINGING ON TELEVISION: We're the very best at being bad.
We're the very best at being bad.
You all right there, darling?
No.
Must be all right.
You gave it to me.
Shh.
Shh, shh.
Shush now.
Please, stop.
I can't.
Not anymore.
I just-- please.
Stop.
It's OK.
I think it's time.
Time to stop.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Nobody knows, yeah.
You were always down.
I was your pal.
Right from the start.
Gave you my heart.
Whoa!
Gave you my heart.
Where the fuck is dad?
Still in Spain, might be.
He'd be having a great time.
Well, he needs to be here.
If only for her sake.
[applause]
Thank you!
Cheers! - Thank you.
Thank you very much.
OK, our next number is one of my favorite songs.
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Not again?
Again.
[cheering]
Nice one.
[music playing]
Guest list only.
But it's all right.
He's with me.
I didn't mean--
Just a bottle, please.
(SINGING) Don't go breaking my heart.
My very own John Holmes.
Drink?
That's the end.
The wardrobe.
Little bastard!
I'll kill him.
There!
[moaning]
I want a word with you.
[alarm]
Suspected shoplifter moving down escalator.
Over.
MAN: Can you give us a description?
Over.
Suspect is heavily pregnant teenager.
Black skirt, gray top, black jacket.
Excuse me, love!
Excuse me!
Help!
My baby!
Someone's taken my baby!
- It's all right. - It's my baby.
She's gone.
I turned around, and she-- and she was gone.
What's she look like?
Um-- a baby.
Pram or--
Uh yeah.
- What color? - Um--
- Quickly! - Black!
What?
Uh-- Louie-- Renee--
ready.
Libby, where are you?
OK, come on. Come on with me.
Come on.
[moaning]
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to know what everyone's doing.
You know, when they go to their bedrooms and--
[moaning]
Right, well, I'll, uh-- best be getting
back to the Jockey now, huh?
I'll catch you up.
Soon as we've had a little chat about the birds and the bees.
[moaning]
You're gonna me have it, aren't ya, Frank?
You're gonna let me have it.
Yeah, and what is it?
What do you want?
I want it.
Do you want me, Frank?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say it!
I fucking want you, Monica Gallagher!
Yeah!
Oh, don't stop. Don't stop, Mon.
What did you stop for?
Whoa, whoa, what the fuck? Monica.
If you have all your sweets at once, you'll be sick.
You are
Always leave him wanting more.
It, um-- it must be on the other camera.
This is the other camera.
Look, I think we're gonna have to call the police.
No!
Thank you.
Hiya.
Um-- I'm from, uh, next door.
We've got a party to get to!
[voices in hall]
[laughter]
Shh.
[laughter]
What are you doing?
Letting the sunshine in.
You're mental!
I'm not mental.
He's a kid!
You're trying to seduce a poor little kid.
I wasn't trying to--
Hey, Mrs. Mental, curtsy before your queen,
Queen Mental of the fucking mentalists.
Oh, that's it.
Run away.
I am not running away.
I've got a party to go to at the Jockey.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Have you got hollow legs, or something?
Cheeky twat.
I what?
I talk.
Speak.
I speak sign?
Do I speak sign?
Why?
Cause I understand that?
Come on, I've got big plans.
I made big plans tonight.
Yeah, great.
I win again.
That's another 500 quid you owe me.
You nutter.
[music playing]
[slashing]
You all right?
You've just been dreaming.
Did you fall off the wall?
[music playing]
Then she says to him, I'm here about the clit licking frog.
And the guy turns around and goes, well, bonjour, madame.
Hey, could you sing "Over the Hills and Far Away?"
I usually only [inaudible] but this has grown on me.
It's Paddy's favorite song.
[toilet flushing]
Heya, all.
You all right?
Yeah.
You?
Yeah.
Do you think Dad's all right?
Yeah, he's all right.
How do you know?
Well-- I'd have heard if he'd been kidnapped,
tortured, beaten, or murdered.
I would hear these things.
So what is it, then?
Another woman?
Happens all the time.
Not to these two, it don't.
They're solid as a rock.
He don't-- he worships ya.
Could be another woman.
Probably not, though, eh?
There you go.
Caring grandson delivered safe and sound.
Thank you.
Yeah. No problem, mate.
You take care of yourself, yeah?
Danny!
Oi!
Danny.
How do you say goodbye?
[knocking]
Are you Mormons?
No.
You look like Mormons.
Are you sure you're not Mormons?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm pretty sure, yeah.
We don't want Mormons around here.
Maybe, uh, number 28 will let you in.
But stay away from mine.
Number 16.
And don't bother number 14, either.
They got a backward kiddie living with 'em.
And there's no point in him knocking on there.
The old fella that lived there died last week.
Your tea.
Thanks.
All right, Mon.
Going for a bath?
Aye.
Only [inaudible],, what with the washer and everything.
Off out anywhere nice?
Just the, uh, Maguire do at the Jockey, you know?
Well, you're not going?
- Haven't been invited. - Damn.
Just turn up.
You'll be all right.
I'm sure nobody will notice you, anyway.
What was that for?
Old times.
Well, you'd best go and get ready.
See ya.
[applause]
Thank you very much.
Right, then.
We've now reached a very special point in the celebrations.
Oh, yes.
Let's get the happy couple up here.
Come on, let's hear it for Mimi and Patrick!
There she is.
Come on.
Here she is, darling.
She's a little cracker.
Brace yourself, Mimi.
We've got a little surprise for you.
So where's the lucky fella, then?
Where is he?
Don't be shy, Patrick.
Where are ya, Patrick?
[moaning]
[whooping]
Come on, then.
Hey!
That's not the angle we filmed it from.
Well, who else would have filmed us?
Ah.
Well, he wouldn't have done it on his own.
Who else would have helped him?
Bet you've done a few of them before, haven't ya?
Proper dirty.
[laughter]
I was only having a laugh.
I was gonna give you a cut, and everything.
Shane, please.
I'm getting a bit sick.
What time is it?
Shall we?
Well, there's no point staying here.
Where is everybody?
We could take it all.
Yeah, if we could walk through locked doors.
Every single thing.
[inaudible]
[radio chatter] - Quick.
Someone's coming.
Off out?
Just getting some bread.
OK.
I'll see you later, kid.
SINGER: Home is where the heart is.
I'm so glad you found your way.
And should you find yourself in disarray,
I got a place in my heart where you can stay.
I made a space in my heart where you may want to lay.
Hello?
Ian!
Yeah.
You all right?
I knew you'd come back.
I'm only here for a couple of days.
This is Danny.
All right.
He's deaf.
I've got an Xbox.
There's a deaf girl in our school.
Want to kill some zombies?
Where is everyone?
LIAM: The Jockey.
Cool.
Except Debbie.
She's gone shopping with Max. - Who?
LIAM: And Mom.
She's nipped out for some bread.
[knocking]
Bread?
[knocking]
Hang on!
NORMA: Ian?
What are you doing here?
I heard you banging.
In [inaudible]?
Monica's gone.
Gone?
Get everyone from the pub.
Tell 'em Monica's gone for bread.
Go on.
Quick!
Mimi.
How could Monica just go like that?
Wonder if it's a bird or a fella this time?
[crying]
Past is history.
Future's a mystery.
[crying]
She's not fit to be called a mother.
Yeah, well, we all knew she'd fuck off again.
Shh.
He needs to be told.
What, like deaf boy needs to be told his granddad's dead?
What am I supposed to do?
Just tell him, then? Good luck, Danny.
Fuck off. See ya.
It's what you did to us.
Piss off.
That's completely different.
No, it's good that you're back, kid.
You know, for--
Stella, and that.
I'm not staying.
And I'm not gonna be stuck here looking after kids.
Oh, but-- but I should?
They're your kids.
LIAM: Ow!
What was that for?
He said Mom's gone.
And you told him--
His granddad's dead.
Danny!
It's all right!
Danny!
It's all right!
It's all right.
All right.
Go ahead.
Wouldn't it be great if all the clothes in here were ours?
It'd just be, like, the best thing in the world ever.
Yeah, but when and where would we wear any of it?
Down the Jockey, or outside the chip shop?
Mm.
It's just all so--
Not us?
Yeah, it's not us.
Well, someone must like this stuff.
Someone does.
[laughter]
Don't want to see you here again, all right?
Don't worry, you won't.
Has anyone ever told you that you look
like one of the Sugarbabes?
No.
Well, you do.
Really?
Mhm.
You know, if you, um-- if you went
a little bit higher with your blusher,
you'd get more definition.
Max.
Mm.
[laughter]
Did you now?
Fucking hell.
Did ya?
What?
Paddy and Monica.
Did you know?
Paddy and Monica?
They're together, aren't they?
Paddy and Monica?
[glass shattering]
I'm not coming in.
I can't.
I fly back out tomorrow, and--
I don't want to do this.
I'm sorry.
I've got to get off.
Be myself.
No responsibility, you know?
Yeah, you did that.
You might well look sheepish, you twat.
What?
I'll call you around 8:00, and I'll tell her what happened.
You take care of yourself, all right?
Yeah, and you.
Yeah, whatever.
Whatever.
She's always been a bit--
loose.
I think she had a thing with the midwife when Carl was born.
Paddy-- Paddy had a thing once.
Before we were married.
But you were together?
Yeah.
I don't think he even kissed this other girl, or anything.
But he-- he thought about it.
He told me he wasn't interested in her,
but I smelled her on him.
And then I said to him, you ever think about it again--
think about another woman--
then I just want you to go with her.
Don't ever come back.
Just go.
- He's not with Monica. - How do you know?
I bet she'd want to be with him,
but Paddy wouldn't want to be with her.
You're a woman.
Monica's a child.
[music playing]
Oh, hi.
Where the hell have youse two been?
Eh?
Uh, shopping.
Did we miss anything?
Nope.
DEBBIE: (SCREAMING) No!
[baby crying]
I'm that hungry, I could eat me face.
Chips!
Leave it, Carl!
It's mine, Norma!
It's the last slice!
There's never any bread.
[baby crying]
[car horn]
Airport, yeah?
[music playing]
Could you turn it down, mate?
Excuse me?
Danny?
Not like you can hear me.
What am I supposed to do?
Fuck!
No!
[shouting]
What the fuck are you doing?
The fuck are you doing, you mental bastard?
You completely shit me up.
I thought you were dead!
I thought you were fucking dead, you dick head!
Yeah, you're a dick head.
I can guess what that means.
What are you doing?
A bath?
What, lying underwater?
Safe?
You feel safe?
Get dressed.
We'll get you something to eat.
You're welcome.
It's not forever. Do you understand?
I spoke to your auntie Peg, and as soon as she can get someone
to take over for me, I'm off.
OK?
Don't want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life.
What, you don't want to be stuck with me?
You're such a twat.
Liam.
On me way.
[baby crying]
All right, then.
All right, kid?
Yeah, I am now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give us a break.
I've had a right night of it. - Yeah, and morning.
Where have you been?
Laser.
[applause]
[baby crying]
Nowhere.
She's had her breakfast and lunch.
She just needs her nappy doing.
Oh, I'm shattered.
Can't someone else do it?
[baby crying]
What are you scriking at?
MONICA (VOICEOVER): We all want to be remembered
after we've gone, don't we?
Goodnight.
MONICA (VOICEOVER): And if you haven't got anyone who'll
put a plaque on a bench for you, then you've got to work harder.
You've got to learn to do the right thing.
Care for people.
Help them.
Because if you don't, then maybe no one will remember you.
[coughing]
Aye, you filthy fucking--
go on.
Get the fuck out.
I'll kick your ass, you filthy git.
Go on!
Get the fuck out!
[coughing]
[car horns]
[laughter]
[children singing]
[screaming]
MONICA (VOICEOVER): Maybe no one will care if you lived or died.
Do your bit.
Make yourself worth something, and then get out quick
before they take the piss.
And always, always leave them wanting more.
[theme music]
[moaning]