[music plays]
She gives these waves, but it stops with express--
all of us pay.
He's making a mess of the lives they
were given by Him who stares.
And kids, they're convinced-- and actually
their sounds on Earth could ever replace his needy mullet.
Awiped in His face, because this,
people reckon, and me included is
why pubs and drugs were kindly invented to cover all doubt.
Stop us going mental.
These are Chapman's mistakes.
basic essentials.
Made our worth every penny.
You pay the taxes.
Imagine the Brits of me old Chatsworth Buccaneers
would walk on your face for the price of a beer.
Nay upon the dis.
Cheaper drugs now.
Oh, scar by ye!
[music plays]
Used to know this fella.
Bobby Cash Machine, we called him.
A taxi driver.
Terrible drinker as well.
Every sense of the word.
He was forever blacking out, waking
up in the weirdest of places.
He once woke up in the basement of Manchester Cathedral.
No idea how he got there.
Aye, the demon drink.
That's a terrible thing, so it is.
[knock on door]
Debbie!
Get that!
[knocking on door]
Frank!
[knocking on door]
Yeah?
Ah!
Caleb Gallagher?
No, he doesn't live here anymore.
- Ian Gallagher? - Uh-uh.
I presume Deborah Gallagher has moved away as well, huh?
Oh, no. She's here somewhere.
I'll give her a shout. - No need.
I just need to see some proof.
Plus, there's a Liam Gallagher and a Stella Gallagher
as well, correct?
- Can I ask what this is about? - Ah!
Bernard White, benefits officer.
Oh, just a minute, please.
Frank!
Benefits! - What?
At the door.
Well, don't answer It.
They're like fucking vampires.
They can't get you, if you don't let them in.
It's too late.
And I already told him that Lip doesn't live here anymore,
or Ian. - So?
So, we're still collecting benefits for them,
so that's not good, is it?
Got a dead man walking here, and his wife.
Walking, too.
Hiya.
I'm the man of the house.
Burning Francis Gallagher?
Yeah.
What the wife was just saying, just pay no attention to it.
She's totally fucking Narnia, you know?
In days gone by, they would just drag them out of the house,
you know.
Now it's all care in the community, and all that mess.
Mr. Gallagher, benefit theft is
a crime, not a joking matter.
No, I know, but can't we just---
sort this one as thought it's a clerical error, bloody
computer, that sort of thing.
What the fuck?
Morning, Mena.
How are you?
Well, a little bit tired, because
of the party last night.
You saw the pissed-off, because of this cute guy,
only Debbie got in there first.
And he was all over.
Then she pulled over, I'm not that sort of girl thing.
So we end up buggering off, which
is pretty pointless because she models ruin a good thing.
And did you actually want to know that?
Or are we just making boring conversation?
Boring conversation.
So what are your plans for today then?
Sit around on that sofa, feet up, watching our TV?
Eats enough food like every other day?
No.
I've got places to go, people to see.
Yeah, of course you do.
Right, so let me recap.
You're claiming for five children
who no longer live here.
Neither of you are actively seeking work.
And despite what you filled in on your form, Mr. Gallagher,
you're not confined to a wheelchair.
Yeah, but disability is more a state of mind, innit?
Are we in trouble?
I think that's safe to say.
She was a lesbian.
Sorry?
For a while.
Moved out on me.
Leaving me that thing in the yard.
And?
Don't Don't know.
Just, you know, thought it might help get
some compensation for it.
Oh, that's right.
Just walk away like--
You'll be hearing from us.
Yeah, go on back to your nice little life
and your wife and your kids--
Oh, this shirt's off me back!
--and he fucking dreams I'm like him.
And the kids' napping.
Benefits!
Look around you!
Do you see any fucking benefits?
You know what you are?
A total fucking inadequate.
The Germans have a word for people like you!
Ich! - What?
[bernard cries]
Are you crying?
Just what you said.
Being inadequate.
You're right.
Just like what me wife said, when she left me this morning.
Bloody hell!
On me fucking birthday, too.
Well, did she at least get you a present?
Yeah.
There you go, silver lining.
A videotape of her doing the pastor next door.
Christ my bike! Wait!
Hey, wait a sec!
Wait a sec!
Can't let your birthday go by without at least
having a drink, can you?
Come on, you and me.
No man's land.
Pipes of peace.
Hey, come on, eh?
Just wait.
I'll just get me jacket.
Just wait.
I'll be back.
[laughs] Bring it on, sister.
Mmm.
Great news!
Fat Donny's wife found out about him
and that [inaudible] Mm-hmm.
She took it that badly, too.
Aaaaahhh!
Apparently, he was rushed to hospital with little Donny
stuck in a bag of frozen peas.
So, you know what that means, right?
What?
Well, he played right back then, eh?
I'm off the bench.
Terrible fucking news, my life is shit!
I'm not!
Ah, hey, [inaudible] he's got no positional sense either.
James, shut the fuck up, and unpack the [inaudible] Mickey?
Yeah.
The key to defending is zonal margin.
None of this headless chicken shite!
Mark your territory.
Never mind.
Ask your dad to explain it to you when he gets home.
Morning!
Patrick!
You're awake!
What the hell is going on here?
You're full of surprises.
Now, come on, you can untie me now.
And not that I'm complaining about the kinky stuff.
It's just I don't even remember how I got here.
You had a little much to drink.
[flashbacks and laughing] So I thought
it best you stay the night.
What's this about?
I'm hoping you can tell me, Patrick.
That's really the point.
That you understand.
What do you think this is about?
[laughs] Gotta admit, darling, you've got me
stumped here high by the clay.
Ooh!
Come on, Maureen, untie me now.
Enough is enough, huh?
Maureen, come on.
Hey!
I appreciate this, Mr. Gallagher.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to get so emotional back there.
I know what it is.
It just gets harder to keep things together, you know.
Yeah.
It isn't your fault here.
Your wife leaving.
The job.
I'm ashamed of meself.
Of what I've become.
It's never too late to change, though, is it?
A man in a position like yours got influence, power, you know,
to help folks.
Like, you know, maybe people who made
a mistake on the benefit form.
I can't ignore fraud, Mr. Gallagher.
What?
I'm kidding.
Joking and just talking generally here, huh?
God!
What kind of scum do you think I am?
Sorry.
I didn't mean to, you know, snap.
It's all right.
No harm, no foul.
Two pints, Karen.
Same again?
Yes, thank you, Frank.
And two E's, Karen.
Bodices were insane, you know.
Women, they don't give a--
They think they're going to a better place.
I'm not scared of death, you see.
Sure me pubes going gray, and I'm
nearing the end than the beginning,
but it's what you're remembered for, innit?
Like Geldoff.
Shit songs, but he got the kiddies fed.
That's proper legacy, love.
Love.
Yes.
- Love.
Yes.
Yes
What the fuck you staring at, you pervert?
I think I'm drunk.
I think I understand it all now, Frank.
It's all about the love.
You, me, everybody.
Love.
Love it is, Bernard.
The treacle of pints' result. Together.
Why did she do that?
Just wanted to share, my love I just need love.
Easy, Tiger.
Love you need.
And Love you shall have.
It's all about the Love, brother.
All about the Love.
And then we can see how you're going to help your fellow man.
Yes.
Thank you.
Brother.
Christ!
Don't we don't end up married to that!
That's nice!
Is it real?
Mm-hmm.
A gift.
Jesus, he must be loaded.
Treats me like a princess.
Nice.
Yeah, a bit much sometimes.
What d'you mean?
Nothing.
How's Jamie?
Yeah, better.
True love travels on a gravel road, and all that shite.
We'll be all right, though.
No worries.
We keep it simple, and we keep it tight.
Get an early lead.
Make them work for the ball.
Play it out to the wings, and stretch them at the back.
Mickey, hello?
Right.
Yeah No probs.
Sight at the back. Wings.
Side. - Right.
Well, let's fuck 'em up, 'ey? - Yeah!
[yelling]
[crowd cheers]
Ooh!
[music plays]
Here we go
Fuck's sake, Mick, eh?
- What! - Where were you?
Me field -ish.
Right back.
Right fucking back!
All right!
Places!
Oh!
What's he doing that for?
Shane! Shane!
Sort him out!
He's drifting everywhere!
Oh, please!
We banished him there!
We got a fucking sport!
I'm his mother!
[various game sounds]
Jesus!
Play the fuck way out!
[crowd cheers]
Mickey!
All right, mate. How's it going?
Work.
Remember that?
Then all of us got compassionately.
Not my fault you took the prank a little ways too far.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
That's me all over.
A victim.
Well, I'm pleased to see you stand.
Cheers!
Only happy because she got a transfer, didn't she?
Norfolk.
A transfer?
What about the flat?
You know, the three amigos.
Us?
All for one, and one for all?
That'd be the Three Musketeers.
You know what I mean.
They offered you a pay rise or something?
I wish.
Don't go then.
Being off, it's like shit.
You'd be bored. - Right.
You're saying that with a Keystone
Cops is really working out for me?
You're not doing it, Ronan, are you?
Nah.
Still got things worth sticking around for.
I meant Debbie.
Saw her earlier.
Still might be something there.
I don't know about that, mate.
I think she made it pretty clear.
Stan!
Stan, You don't know women.
What I'm thinking is some grand romantic gesture.
Three-nil.
Three fucking nil!
They're nothing special.
We can take 'em.
Keep it tight.
Stay in position.
Keep possession on Mickey.
Yeah?
For fuck's sake.
What's that mean?
It It means stop wandering about.
And stay in defense.
Stop the football, you dick!
Total opposite!
Maybe we'll be better off playing with 10-man.
He's your brother!
He might be a twat on the pitch, but family is family.
Right.
Come on.
Let's have it.
Thanks, Mum.
Fuck's sake, Mickey!
[crowd cheers]
Mickey, pass it!
Mickey, Mickey!
[crowd groans in frustration]
Play it!
You shit!
You're shit!
Showers!
Now that's just creepy.
Tom!
Shit!
No, no, no, no.
I know what it looks like.
No, Debbie!
Mickey!
Give it to me.
Give it to me now.
Give us the fucking shower gel!
What the fuck you staring at?
Could ask you the same question!
You're the one that's shit!
We would have won if it hadn't been for you!
Me!
What the fuck are you talking about?
All I said was--
This is not what it looks like.
There's been no funny business going on.
You are her husband, right?
I was against her doing this.
I'm so sorry.
Great, lad!
Good.
So why don't you scoot over here and untie us?
I can't do that.
Listen, I don't know what your kink is,
but it's going beyond a joke here,
and it wasn't that funny to start with.
Untie me.
I don't understand a fucking thing that's going on.
You don't do you?
No.
Then it's not my place to say.
And off?
You walk over here.
You turn me loose.
Last chance.
You do that, I promise I'll walk away.
Won't look back.
And if you don't, I'll raze this place to the fucking ground.
With you and her in it.
You do as I say.
Do you have any idea who I am?
I know exactly who you are Mr. McGuire.
Stop!
Don't go.
Don't you walk away from me!
Don't go!
Fuck!
Come on.
It's all right.
Don't be scared.
Hello, Lynn.
Looking for something special?
Oh, no, no.
No it's not for me.
It's for my compadre here.
What can I get for 30 quid?
Thirty will get you a Colombian ouchie
or a paisley snow job.
But for an extra tenner I can show you
our new Yugoslavian quarter pounder, which
is popular with the humans.
Just, you know, a traditional roll in the hay
will be all right.
Everything is so lovely here.
You just lose yourself up there all right?
So lay off.
All right, dear.
Fine, thanks.
How's your Gran?
She's all right.
[bernard vomits upstairs]
I'm so sorry.
Drunk.
I don't feel so good.
I think we'd better call it a night then.
I know there's someone there.
Listen, I'm sorry.
Whatever it is you think--
whatever it is I have done, I'm sorry.
OK?
Hello?
Please!
I need--
Frank?
What the hell is the benefits officer doing in Debbie's bed?
Ideally waking up to a new life.
Or one with the idea of helping out his fellow man,
i.e. you and me, Monica, is most appealing.
When has he gotten about?
I tried to expand his horizons,
you know, sort of slipped him a couple of E's and changed
his world view.
Give him his own mini Woodstock.
You know, welcome to Spike Island,
leave your preconceptions at the door.
And that works, did it?
Sure.
All No, not really.
Oh, all right.
I fucked it.
We're in the shit here, Monica.
It's not funny.
It's not just cutting benefits off.
We're talking jail here.
They don't send you to jail just for that.
The place is teeming with them.
They don't fuck around.
Come on, seriously.
Some strange ways, here we come.
Again.
No way.
Can't do jail.
Well, I'm not wanting to Steve McQueen it.
Plus, they're going to take away the kids.
You wave goodbye to the little sterile
lot, the bed, the house.
Everything.
Well, we've got to do something.
All right.
Well, you've got me answer, though.
Right here under our roof, lying there in bed.
Benefits boy.
It's simple mathematics.
He's lonely.
His wife's left him.
It was his fucking birthday.
He's vulnerable, ain't he?
We just got to show him a bit of care and attention.
A bit of love.
So when he brings back the report,
we're back to benefitting again.
What are you getting to now?
I'm just saying, we need to be creative.
Maybe you could do something.
Be nice to him.
Be all feminine wiles about him.
Fine.
Fucking fine.
Good morning, Patrick.
Sorry I wasn't able to look in on you first thing.
There was a bring and buy sale at the church.
Really, some of the junk people drag there.
How did you sleep?
Why do you ask me that question?
I don't understand.
Like I've just popped around.
Kettle's boiling.
Some fucking cucumber sandwiches daintily arranged on a plate.
You have me tied to a fucking bed.
Honestly.
Language!
What is it you want from me?
You tell me that I've got to understand.
I don't understand what the hell it is you expect from me.
You've soiled yourself, haven't you, Patrick?
Sorry.
These things happen. - No.
No, they don't.
Not unless some psycho bitch has tied you to a fucking bed.
Did you happen?
People found lying in their own excrement, turned blue.
Life thrown away.
It happens!
I can make it easier.
I could clean you up.
Oh, you must be thirsty by now. Really thirsty.
Would you like a drink, Patrick?
If you don't answer me, I can't get you one.
A glass of water, Patrick, yes or no?
Yes.
Yes Right, so you'll have to do something for me then,
Patrick.
Do you sing?
What?
I bet you do.
The Irish love singing, don't they?
Beautiful voices.
Or is that-- is that racist to assume that?
How the fuck should I know?
What'd I say to you about language?
Sorry.
The I'm really sorry.
I'm having a bad day.
It happens sometimes.
Did you ever see the musical Bugsy Malone?
Sort of, really.
Yeah, of course you did.
Well, there's a song in there.
"We Could Have Been Anything." .
I think it's apt.
Could you indulge me, Patrick.
Sing for me.
I don't know the words.
Of course you don't.
Give me a minute.
Ta-da!
I can get you started.
We could have been anything that we wanted to be.
And it-- and--
All I'm asking you to do is sing, Patrick.
Sing!
We could have been anything that we wanted to be.
And it's not too late to change.
I'd be delighted to get--
Can't hear you, Patrick.
Maybe you'd agree that we really ought--
He was sniffing your knickers.
No, No, I never said he was sniffing them.
Only because you disturbed him.
Can he be more daft than that?
Thought it was just me.
Unless, you know, you still see fancy him.
Shut up!
So when were you going to tell us
you we're getting a promotion?
Didn't think that was anyone's business but mine.
How did you swing that?
Hard work, dedication.
Yeah, right.
You think I want to spend the rest of my career
wasting away in this dump?
I made a choice.
Sometimes a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
Oh, before I forget, the super wants to see you.
What about?
Well, could you not have told me that earlier?
Yes, Tom, I suppose I could.
I don't suppose I could stick toothpaste on your toothbrush
every morning.
And warm your slippers, and wipe your smelly bum,
and hold your hand as you cross the road.
But that's not my job.
For too long I've let you losers drag me down.
So grow a brain.
Work it out for yourself, hey?
Right.
See ya.
I'll be out of here in a minute.
I'm really sorry, I promise.
Don't worry about it.
You OK?
No.
I didn't mean to impose on--
It's nothing to do with you at all.
It's OK.
Don't worry.
He's a fucking psycho.
Somebody say what's wrong with him.
Don't need to tell me.
He's me brother.
Mom will go mental if you just kick him out of the team.
Not worth the ass on him.
There's a fellow I know of from work.
Can barely walk, but he'd be up for a game.
Stick Mickey on the sub's bench and this problem's solved.
Yeah, problem sorted.
Speaking of problems, we've got one.
What?
Well, we can have a go at that expensive French restaurant
where they turn their noses up at us,
or we can go to the expensive Italian one.
I'll tell you what, life's just full of problems, innit?
It's It's all right.
Look if you want.
Fuck off.
Don't bother then.
Poof!
I fucking knew it!
No!
Get away from me, you fucking psycho!
Fuck's sake, Mickey, what've you done?
What?
It was an accident!
You know, I slipped.
Yes.
Don't stop.
You're beautiful!
You don't have to say that.
You are.
Sorry.
Just you are beautiful, you know.
I presume you know what this is about.
I do
There are certain things we frown on here.
Can I just explain.
First of all, it wasn't like I didn't know her.
We used to go out.
And, OK, I admit you step back, you look at it,
yes, she was 15 when I met her, but I didn't do anything.
And she'd testify to that.
And yes, technically, I let myself
into the house, which if you look at it in the wrong way
you might see it as breaking and entering.
But I was just putting the chocolate in the drawer.
Then I thought, no, drawer, that's invasion of privacy.
I'd stick them on the bed, you know.
And the pants got snagged.
Then voila!
Pants.
As in underwear?
Yeah,
Of a 15-year-old girl?
No, Debbie's 16 now.
Why would she say she's 15?
I have no idea who she is, or what you're talking about.
We're here to discuss the circumstances
which led to Stanley Waterman having
to take extended sick leave.
We received a report about the incident, which we feel
is the groundwork for a disciplinary procedure.
You've received a report.
Sometimes a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
A blatant abuse of position and waste of resources.
But maybe you should start again.
The other story sounds far more interesting.
So, there was a 15-year-old girl.
Fucking hell.
Oh, goodbye then.
Wait wait wait!
Our case is going to disappear down
behind some filing cabinet.
Really?
Genius!
Fucking genius!
How'd you convince him?
Don't think we need to go into the gory details, do we?
What do you mean gory details?
You know what I mean.
I told you to speak to him.
You told me to be nice to him.
What are you fucking talking about?
Hey?
Oh, no!
Tell me you didn't--
It was your idea.
No!
Don't touch me.
Don't come near me!
Upstairs?
In my own house?
Fucking benefits?
Benefits, Monica?
Even prostitutes have the sense to do it for cold hard cash.
Don't you dare!
Don't you fucking start!
[inaudible] this round!
You told me this was what you wanted.
Oh, Oh, yeah?
Of course it is.
This is what I wanted.
16 years of age, the world unfurling at me feet.
I said, hey!
What I want is nine kids, a house that's falling apart
around me, a wife who leaves me for another fucking moment,
comes back and fucks around on me again.
Oh, yeah, this is what I wanted.
Don't!
Get off!
Yeah, I was on the Navy's lane Oh, please, grant my wish,
your All Mighty, and he did!
Is this Heaven?
With you, every day, every second, every breath, this
is fucking heaven!
This--
I did it for you.
For our family.
Don't!
Just-- just don't.
From now on, Monica, just don't.
All right?
It's OK, Patty!
It's OK.
You're safe.
Oh, Mimi, I am so sorry.
Sshhh!
Everything's going to be all right.
No, Mimi, no.
I got lost, I was stupid, and I have to change.
This life we lead, this world of ours, it's--
something's got to give.
I forgot.
I forgot just how much you meant to me.
I love you so fucking much.
I know, Patty, I know.
I don't even remember how I got here.
They found you by the side of the road, half-dead.
But, I'll let them see to you.
Need to tell the boys you're awake as well.
[NURSE WHISTLES 'WE COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING"]
No!
I think it's time now, Patrick.
[video playback, music plays]
My daughter, Patrick, Rachel.
That's a few years ago.
She looked different towards the end.
Once the heroin got hold of her.
Why?
Only 18 years old.
18 years.
That's nothing.
And the worst thing is I went to the police,
and even if they did manage to make it stick,
well, you'd be out long before that
I'll stop.
Swear to God, I'll stop.
Even if I believed you, it wouldn't change anything.
We have to be accountable for our choices,
for what we've done.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.
I was a nurse.
It's all right, Patrick, I know what I'm doing.
No, no, no, no!
No!
Hold still!
No!
That's it!
Maybe it would be a good idea for you to try your product.
After all, you didn't have issues with us trying it,
did you?
Fuck!
Shush!
I don't really care.
Oh?
Carrie's gone, you leave.
Just one more room to rent, isn't it?
Excuse me.
You're just saying that because you
know you'll miss me really.
No, seriously.
I'm tired of you anyway.
It's the accents, I think it grates.
Been drifting apart for a while.
It's the way of the world.
Got to hug, at least.
Whatever.
It won't make a difference to me.
I'm really going to miss you most.
I don't know what to say, mate.
Twat!
Take care of yourself, Carl!
Dick!
First new message.
Debbie, it's me, Tom.
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye,
and there's something I need to tell you.
Something important I learned about life.
About Chatsworth and about you.
And I kind of mind loving stuff, see.
That's, after all the time here, what I realized is--
was that I really love--
[ring tone]
Whatever.
Guess what?
Mickey, Mickey's a puff!
Yeah, I know.
Why didn't you warn me then?
It's not catchy, dick!
It's just he's trying to kill me.
- Carl! - Fuck!
That's him now.
Ian, please, you've got to speak to him.
Hang on, I'll be there in a second.
- Ian! - Listen, Carl, I've got to go.
If he does kill you, make sure he doesn't
do it in the next few weeks.
I'll be well pissed off if I have to fly home
for your funeral, all right?
Carl!
Come and talk!
Carl!
Is that you up there?
[music plays]
Wait there!
[music plays]
- I'll be your best friend! - What?
If you don't tell anyone, I'll be your best friend,
I'm serious.
It'd kill me Dad and me Mam.
Or they'll kill me.
I'll do anything, please.
I've got DVDs.
All the best films.
"Die Hard" and that.
Fuck's sake, Mickey, I don't give a shit!
I just wish you were better at football.
You always go psycho on us.
I've been that lonely since even when.
Mickey, I'm not going to tell anyone.
Don't make me go to your mates, though.
All right?
Sorry.
These DVDs, how many you got?
200, maybe more.
But the film cost 'em--
Got your part?
Loads.
Monica, close the fucking door on the way out, right?
Another fellow I knew, Duncan, he was a right fucking turd.
One day, he did it over a post office, driving off full speed,
hits a dog.
Never seen a man so caught up.
This is someone who stabbed his mother, seriously.
And he's crying over a fucking dog.
Everybody's got a breaking point, when things just change.
And after that you realize everything is different.
You won't be going back.
There might be others who force your hand,
or maybe something within yourself.
I guess you don't know.
Not until it hits you.
[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS[
What the fuck!
Sorry.
Dick!
It's all the way.