Chickies, this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by Him upstairs, and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could Play replace kids needing money,
or wives in your face?
Because this people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented to calm us all down.
Stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates' basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Forget your tracker mortgages
and your ISAs, your pension schemes,
saving for a rainy day, you know,
planning for your old age.
Chances are you'll be off your fucking trolley anyway,
your brain ravaged by dementia.
You'll have all that money in the bank,
but won't be able to remember which
fucking bank you put it in.
And even if you did, some shitbag politician will
claw the lot back in taxes.
So enjoy the here and now, this day, this minute, this second.
Carpe diem, I say.
Well, not me, Seneca's to be precise.
Seize the day.
Well, some of it.
Obviously, you need to get some time out
for a few scoops, bit of shut eye, bit of how's your pater,
but you get my drift.
Yeah?
Drop them.
I said, drop them.
Say my name.
Oh Oh Seven and a Half.
[music playing]
[mumbling]
For God's sake, just pay attention a minute.
We need to sort out Liam's trip tomorrow.
Are you going to come or not?
There needs to be a parent present, and I don't want--
Have you got any of that thick sticky tape?
Only I want to strap this to my thigh.
What's going on?
Right.
Show it to me.
No, give it to me.
[interposing voices]
No, not the gerbil!
Not the gerbil!
No.
OK.
OK, I enter Liam into a competition
and he's down to the last three.
Blackpool.
Tomorrow.
It's to be the face of a nationwide ad campaign.
They do a few test shots, see how he looks,
make the decision.
Well, if he wins, they do the shoot there and then.
And how come I was the last to know?
Well, we didn't think you'd approve.
You know, exploitation of a minor and all.
Well, look what child stardom did to th the artful dodger
from Oliver, you know?
And then there's poor Nicholas Lindhurst.
Well, he's not dead.
Yet, but have you seen the fucking state of him?
And I get paid if I win.
So, what time do we leave?
You're in sunny Ibiza and we're off to Blackpool.
I know. Good for you.
You work it, Liam.
All the best, pal.
Stella's due a feed.
Bottle's in the fridge.
Now it's Liam's big day tomorrow,
so he needs an early night.
You could do with one too.
You look like death warmed up.
By, Monica.
I want us all making a good impression.
This could be the start of something for Liam.
Chance of a future without minimum wage
stamped all over it.
Hiya, Mom.
I can hear you a mile off.
I meant to text ya.
Now, I know what those Mediterranean types can
be like, straight, gay or bi.
I imagine they're all the same, so use a condom.
Out.
And no matter how much they might try and convince
you otherwise, don't swallow.
Can you catch an STD through oral?
You OK?
I think it's just a bit of wind.
I know what it's going to be like.
You stick to the regulars only, keep the music down,
we'll turn a blind eye. - Nice one, Stan.
She's got the hots for you there, Micky.
Not my type.
That's kind of funny, what more your type you need?
Go on, buy her a drink.
If he doesn't want to.
Once he gets a little sniff of her, his brain will switch off
and his cock will kick in.
- May day. - Eh?
"View to a Kill."
And you. are?
Micky.
I mean, right, yeah, and--
Daniel Craig, isn't it?
James-- "Casino."
I need a slash.
Vast improvement, Frank.
Fuck off.
I could do you for that.
In your dreams.
Evening, all.
Stan, Stan.
- Tom? - They've got me.
The lock ups.
Back of Stansfield Road.
5705 to base, back up required.
I was hoping that wasn't all padding.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I mean, I'd love to, but my girlfriend's at home pregnant.
You know, I mean with triplets and that.
Do any-- fuck me.
You wait your turn.
But how did you know I was?
well, you know, how could you tell?
You were the only man in there other than me
who knew all the words to "Diamonds are Forever."
Now, what's an offer?
I'm packing, eight.
And we're talking imperial, not metric, if you get my drift.
No.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck. fuck.
There's pinky and perky.
Your cozzy is spot on.
Thank you.
Same again?
Yeah.
Give the lad a hand.
I just wanted to see you again.
It isn't exactly the best place.
Please, go go.
I'll call ya.
What? What?
I'd forgotten how nice your smile was, that's all.
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
Wear something casual.
Don't forget to shave.
Have a break.
I'll check on you when it settles.
Sexiest women on the estate.
I only made it to number 17.
It's all going to points apparently.
Face, tits, ass, legs.
Yeah?
My Kelly's got all of that.
What'd you measure the blokes out with then?
Personality, intelligence.
Length.
Girth.
Stamina.
If you must know.
Which is the reason why my little black book's so
fucking empty.
What's the S stand for?
If I shagged them.
B for a blow job.
W for a wank.
F for finger.
What's UTS then?
Up the shitter.
Micky, look after the bar for five minutes, will ya?
I'm on a night out.
- Harry Potter? - Cock off.
Harry Potter.
I'm Boris Grishenko.
"Goldeneye."
Listen, no freebies, and no credit.
Leave them on. Put them on.
They look good.
Karen.
Ambulance, quick.
Me and you, son, we'll go in the ambulance.
I'll get the car, follow with the boys.
- How about this place? - Leave it with me.
No, no.
Panic over, panic over.
Idiot, wasting our time.
How did you get to be this childish?
Ask Stan.
He started it.
Salt in my tea.
Porn mags in my file.
You're lucky I didn't leave you there all night.
They pulled that unit from a near riot in Ancoats for you.
First thing you do, go grovel to the super.
Second, find Stan and apologize.
He'll be fine. You know Stan.
He's probably watching us now pissing himself laughing.
Bar person, another three pints on my tab.
Cash only tonight, pal.
Worth a try.
Jesus, it's like a morgue in here.
Oh, fuck me, bang on cue, "Goldfinger."
Come on, you look great, Lillian.
Must have taken a bit of time to get all that together.
No, I've had this years.
Used to wear it for my Brendan. - Oh?
You know, Sunday nights like.
She'll be OK.
I hope so.
I didn't even know you were trying for a baby.
We weren't.
Of course, you weren't.
No Maguire man tries for a baby.
I only had to hang my khaks on the bed post
and your mother was off the spite.
You'll all be the same.
Well.
Have you been to the toilet?
Good lad.
[mumbling]
No. Come on.
We're going out. - Where we going?
No, not that way.
Out.
Bloody hell.
We'll go via the A roads.
That'll take forever.
Now, it'll be nice driving around the countryside.
We got three hours to get to Blackpool, which they
can no longer move, for what?
Aesthetics.
Am I being ignored here?
Take that as a yes.
Guys.
Full Irish, white pudding, the lot.
You don't want to be eating any of the hospital food.
That'll put her in a fucking coma.
Thanks, Mom.
How is she?
The doctor said she should be discharged this morning.
And she's OK?
Yeah, she will be.
Brings it all back.
Lose a child, your life's never the same.
We'll wait for her, bring her home together.
Show we care, that the whole family's behind her.
She doesn't like much fuss, Mom.
Says she doesn't.
But at a time like this?
I tell you what might be a better
idea, Mom, how's about we go back and get pub ready, huh?
Your Mother says we wait, we wait.
Hey, Mom, Karen's not going to want to come back to--
well, you know, no one's cleaned up yet, have they?
You're right.
We've got things to do.
We'll make sure the flat's spic and span.
There won't be a pin out of place.
God, you're still glowing like you've
had a fortnight in Chernobyl.
You think we should flick it with Some Holy water?
You know, just in case he's still there.
Give him a bit of a send off?
You know, there's not going to be much of that here, is there?
We could get some soda water or something.
I'll give it a blessing.
You two all right?
Fine, thanks.
We got you one with a mattress protector on it
so you have any mishaps in future,
you just give it a quick wipe.
Sorry, mate.
I know what it is you're going through, mate.
Yo reckon?
Kelly had that phantom pregnancy, remember?
Felt like I'd been robbed and beaten senseless and robbed.
No one knows that pain, mate, unless you've
been there that is.
You should have said.
Not like you could have done nowt, is it?
We could go out for a drink sometime, couldn't we?
Head into town maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be good.
What's with the fucking flowers?
I know this couldn't have come at a worse time.
The lad you left in charge last night, Joe.
We checked the safe, it's empty.
God knows how much you took over the bar last night.
I've not seen people knocking them
back like that in a long while.
Straight to voicemail.
Tried ringing Mandy, she not answering.
Wait till I get my hands on her.
You stupid, stupid bastard.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
It was a joke.
A joke?
Led Stan to believe you'd been murdered
just to get one up on him?
I'm as disgusted as you are.
I tried his mobile earlier.
He isn't picking up.
He might answer when he sees it's me.
[door closing]
Stan?
It's OK.
Stan, it was a joke.
It was a wind up.
Where have you been?
We've all been worried sick.
I think you better go.
Call me when he starts talking.
Stan, mate, I'm sorry.
Well played.
You two keep your mouth shut and there's plenty
more where that came from.
Round one goes to me.
You know, we've got less than two hours to get there.
What? You think I don't know that?
Well, call the breakdown services.
Membership run out months ago.
Look, let's pool all our resources,
and see how much we've got, eh?
We won't have enough.
Even if we had the cash, time's totally against us.
Great.
Debbie.
I'm sorry.
Just imagine Liam's whole life could
have changed just like that.
Happens, doesn't it?
I said, I'm sorry.
His chance to escape that place, those people.
We are those people.
Oh.
It was a joke.
There's plenty of time for kids.
You're both young, healthy.
Plenty of time.
Mom, I'm all right.
Honest.
[cellphone]
Hey, no smoking.
Can't you read?
Yeah, that's why I don't work in a fucking cafe.
So what now, Einstein?
We'll need a fucking miracle to get there on time.
Norma! Norma!
It started.
Oh, come on.
Loaves into fishes.
Water into wine.
Wait
Hurry up.
For fuck's sake.
Oh, I'm shagged out.
Hey, Blackpool here we fucking come, mate.
The Wailing Wall gone, thank fuck.
I said your mom's gone.
We need crisps.
Cheese and onion and cashews.
Jaime?
Cheese and onion and cashews.
I'll get down the cellar.
Where out.
Cash and carry then.
No time.
Nip round to Yvonne's see if she can sub us.
You all right about all this, aren't ya?
Yeah.
Fine.
It wasn't like it was planned.
If it had of been, I'd be gutted.
We've got things to do, faces to see.
It's going to be a lot easier doing
that around the world trip without a nappy bag
and a buggy, eh?
I know I've never really thought about it,
but, well, kids, cards on the table, Jaime.
I've never really wanted any.
You?
No.
Crisps, yeah?
Thought we'd get this back to you before you
sent the sniffer dogs out.
Got your messages, and the other 11 from your mother.
Nice to be trusted. - Sorry.
Things have been a bit, you know?
No matter how they are, I'd never rod my own brother.
Well I'm just glad to see the back of it.
I haven't slept all night.
And the till rolls in there.
Nice one, Joe.
I'm sorry, Sis.
Forgiven.
You best phone Mom and Dad.
Let them know you've surfaced.
Listen, if you're not doing anything,
I could do with a hand getting this place ready for tonight.
Sure.
And cheers for last night, man.
You're a life saver.
I'm sorry too, mate.
Don't really know what to say, but--
Kid would have just cramped my style.
I said I'd give Jamie a hand.
He'll have to wait.
We need to be somewhere.
Where?
Jamie and Karen should be here by now.
Mandy's been in touch.
They're not up to it.
God help them.
Hit them hard.
Knew it would.
Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend Grace.
Grace Jones.
Jones?
You Welsh then?
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks.
Would you like a drink?
Oh, no, I'm all right, thanks.
You seen the size of her feet?
I thought you said it was a miscarriage?
Oh, that is symbolic.
Sybollocks, more like.
If you ask me, you've had a lucky scare.
I mean, I won't be without mine, but parenting ain't
all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, look at Angelina and Brad,
tripping about with their brood in tow.
That kid looked like a piece of pigs, all flip-flops
and cheese cloth.
Get your box back tomorrow.
You can guarantee when their in Rome, straight off
to nannies, Angie and Brad feet up, a couple of cans,
watching telly.
Can you imagine her changing a shitty nappy?
Can ya?
With those nails.
She'd rip their ass to shreds.
He used to be so full of life.
Now, since Tom's--
Prank.
Prank, it's like there's a light gone out on his eyes.
He's not half the man he was.
Don't Overdue the tears.
So how much are we making on this?
While Stan's on full wages, 30 pound a week each.
If he gets compensation, a 10% cut.
Two week family holiday a year.
Florida.
Not open to negotiation.
And a Christmas bonus.
Yeah, but we don't do Christmas.
Stan does.
Anyway, if all goes tits up, there will be six months
in Strangeways for fraud.
Sorry.
Nine.
What the fuck's that?
Present for the nipper.
Manchester United?
Fuck that.
Celtic.
Name me one football team from Belfast.
What?
I know it's mental.
You know it's mental.
Just go along with it for my sake, yeah?
Named him after the patron Saint of unborn children,
Saint Gerard.
What?
Stevie?
Gerard Magelah.
Someone just told us in the pub.
I didn't believe it.
I don't know why I didn't believe it.
I thought you told them.
How could I tell them?
You knew about this?
I just thought it'd be best to get
the whole thing out the way, and hopefully you'd never find out.
You'd never know.
It's a bit late now, isn't it?
Fuck right off.
That's the grief talking.
Have you been sniffing your own produce?
I know you're upset, but watch your mouth.
You going to let her talk to us like that?
You're going to cancel this fucking carnival.
A child died.
It wasn't even at the stage where
it was a boy or girl, Dad.
It was a boy.
A Maguire's first born is always a boy.
I was three weeks late from a period, for God sake.
This is what?
Gerard had a soul and we're saving it.
I should be fucking furious.
But you know what?
I'm not.
Because I had a lucky escape.
Imagine giving birth to anything with their blood in it.
You'll thank us come Judgement day.
No grandson of mine's knocking about in purgatory.
I want him at God's side before the devil knows he's dead.
I was going to ask them did they want
to put anything in the coffin.
Did you put my pressie and letter in?
I'm sorry, I can't.
But I But I thought you liked me?
I did.
I do.
But this, I never thought I'd say this, but all this?
Is just too fucking weird.
NORMA: I love the seaside.
There's something quintessentially British
about it, don't you think?
LIAM: What's quintessential mean?
FRANK: Look at that.
NORMA: I love it here.
FIONA: It's got a certain charm, but I prefer Lesbos.
We're delighted you allowed Liam to attend.
Truly delighted.
Like
So what his chances?
Good.
Very good.
In fact, he's the last of the boys to be seen today,
and, well, to be honest, I think the best especially.
So is it you who decides?
It's a joint decision.
And when will you make it?
Well, we'll take a few test shots, see how he looks,
about half an hour.
Oh, so he could win it?
Well, it depends on how he reacts in front
of the camera, the pressure.
You know, a lot of boys, they don't like that much attention.
Oh, he loves it.
Loves being the center of attention.
Doesn't he, Frank?
Yeah, born performer.
And a fantastic face.
Tells its own story, don't you think?
All right, Carl, [inaudible].
Sorry.
You can keep the change.
Five.
What?
Nothing.
Cheeky baskets, the lot of them.
They're my family.
That's worse.
I don't want in here, Jamie.
I don't want them anywhere near me.
I can't bar them, Karen.
I can and I fucking will.
Why don't you just calm until you've calmed down
before you do anything, eh?
You know one thing guaranteed to make my blood boil
is being told to twating calm down.
How many out of 10 did you give Karen?
9.
She's fiery.
She'd be a right goer.
What did I get?
I'm not in there.
8 out of 10.
5.
Let's see if we can prove on that, shall we?
Who the f--
Oh, since the girls on the estate
heard what you were doing.
6?
Shane's got a fucking 7.
My dad's got a fucking 5?
Whoa, we're losing altitude.
6.
Liam, I like to go for a real sad look now, please.
- Sad? - Like Norma.
Shut up.
Always with ya, friend.
Always with ya.
So if Liam's chosen, he'll be the face of what exactly?
A national campaign aimed at highlighting
the misery of a small but significant section of society.
Who?
Those without voices.
Westlife?
The invisible.
Could you be a little more specific?
If Liam is chosen, he'll be giving hope to thousands, maybe
even millions.
The numbers of those suffering are
almost impossible to calculate.
Suffering what exactly?
Abuse.
He'll be portraying an abused child.
So when you look at my son, Liam, that is how you see him?
Not at all.
I see--
A fantastic face telling it's own story.
Monica. Monica.
I think there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
And what a story, knocked about,
beaten by his unloving parents, neglected, without a voice,
without hope.
Does he look unhappy?
Malnourished? Knocked about?
Does he?
I think you're blowing this out of all proportion.
You want a face for a national campaign about abuse.
If you don't get out my fucking way, you'll have one.
Projecting abuse?
He's never been smacked in his life.
People don't take that much notice of faces, Mon.
It's the message that sinks in.
And if Liam's face can help that message get through, who knows?
It could help to save some poor kiddies life.
Not only that the said he'd up his fee to a grand.
What?
He's got the job?
Well, they sent all the other lads home.
He's just what they're looking for apparently.
Oh, come on, let's just get this thing done and get home, eh?
Cash.
That's not possible.
Liam, in the van.
Where are we going to raise that kind of money
with such short notice?
You've got cash cards, credit cards, expense accounts.
Cash.
The doctor said as far as Stan's concerned,
he's locked in the moment of discovering you hanging.
So what's the next move?
Well, if I can get him to stop crying for long enough,
I might be able to start talking him round.
But until then.
Tell him, I'm really sorry, Yvonne.
I went too far.
I will, when he's lucid.
He could lose his job.
That's his fault, not yours.
You could have had a peaking heart attack.
I like it when you're around.
Brew? - My turn.
You put your feet up.
OK, and again, please, Liam.
Right.
This time, I want you to imagine your Dad's a drunk,
an old junkie, OK?
Your Mom's run off with someone, and you
haven't seen her for years.
It's just you and your sister all alone at home.
He's just not getting it.
Liam, just think of something really sad,
like something terrible has happened.
And a little less pinto. Any advice?
He's a happy soul. That's his trouble.
He takes after me.
Yeah, but if we don't get a shot we can use--
OK, looking this way, please, Liam.
That's it.
It's brilliant.
What did you say?
It worked, didn't it?
Sorry about before.
You know what my mom's like.
You OK?
I'm fine.
I will be.
It's just kids, I don't know.
There's no law that says you have to have them.
That's just it.
I don't.
I don't know.
Just not with Jamie.
When I look at, he doesn't say dad to me.
I shouldn't be telling you this, you're his sister.
He's a bloke.
I'm your mate.
I just don't know what I want anymore.
I just don't know.
Well done, Liam.
Even more, if you can find a little bit more.
Can you just--
Frank, we're OK here.
No, just finish--
We're nearly there.
Can you just let us get this shot.
Have No, no.
Just leave it.
I said he's had enough. Right?
Fuck off.
Great team, we make, eh, son?
Dad did his bit and paid into the bargain.
Norma, pull over.
Pull over.
I'll just nip in and get a bit of steak.
I don't really fancy cooking.
No, but I'll cook, and you can wash up.
Fancy that even less.
Now, why don't we park up and go out for a meal?
You know what?
It will finally be nice to have the family around the table.
Look, I know you think we should put the cash aside
in case he wants to go to Oxford or Cambridge,
but 50 quid isn't going to put paid to that now, is it?
That wasn't the deal.
I wasn't aware there was a deal.
We decided if he gets the job, he gets some money
and spends it on what he wants.
How come I wasn't party to that?
Because you weren't there Again
Well, where was I?
Pub, getting your nails done, getting your hair done,
getting your bits waxed.
You're not his mother, Debbie.
MONICA: And you are?
Oh, stop it.
There's no need.
Well, come on.
Pizza.
You could get that Wii box you've had your eye on.
That PlayStation, that Xbox.
You can get all three, if you like.
Well, don't wait up.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Carpe diem.
Seize the day.
Enjoy it while you can, but be careful.
Because as a truly great poet once said,
you don't know what you got till it's gone.
And as we all now, once it's gone,
there's no getting it back.
Even if you wanted to.
Frank.
Yeah.
[theme music]