[sirens]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Oi!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of their lives they were given
by them upstairs and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
- Wicked! - Piss off!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): What sounds on Earth
could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face.
Because this, people reckon--
and me included-- is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented, to calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
[laughs]
Scatter!
Party!
[music playing]
Now, I'm not one given to quoting Scousers unless
absolutely necessary, but as Cilla Black once said,
before she became a cross between a pimp and
a cheerleader on Blind Date--
(SINGING) What's it all about, Alfie?
They don't speak Latin.
They speak Spanish.
No, really?
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Scurrying around,
trying to suss it all out.
Truth, love, family.
Oi, dick head!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Makes my head hurt.
But In life, you have to play the cards you're dealt
even if the cards are shite.
That was a metaphor, obviously.
"The Great Escape" with Steve McQueen and James Garner.
Oh, he was a fine looking man.
Charlie Bronson, you can't beat it.
I like "The Rockford Files."
That's not a war movie.
What about "Platoon?" "Hamburger Hill?"
"Full Metal Jacket?"
(SINGING) The cattle are glowing.
The cattle are not fucking glowing.
- What? - The cattle are not glowing.
They're lowing.
What's lowing?
It's the sound that cattle make.
Play your cards.
You're one to talk.
You thought it was "Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard
be thy name" till you were 15.
[laughter] - Cows say moo.
Not in the Bible.
They low in the Bible.
Anyway, most of "The Great Escape" was lifted.
It's a true story.
And what are you, the movie police?
I can like any film I want.
You're just in a bad mood because you
got the scabby Queen.
No, I don't.
I might be bluffing.
Go for the one on the left, son.
You're safe with that.
Go on.
Fuck's sake!
[laughter]
Fuck off!
[laughter]
[dog barking]
- Sorry, can't hold it in. - Oh, charming.
Smile.
Quit it!
[camera clicking]
WOMAN: Bastard.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God!
What's happened to her?
Can you tell me your name?
Call for an ambulance.
And I peed on her.
Oh, wait, no.
Let me.
Ambulance, please.
Yeah, I'm on Quarriers Lane, Chatsworth.
There's a girl, late teens, Asian.
Uh, looks to have been assaulted.
I'm a police officer.
[beeping]
Hello?
Battery's dead.
- I'll wait with you. - No, you can't.
You know that.
Can you hear me?
Debs!
I know.
Just call me.
[music playing]
TOM: Oh, Jesus.
[music playing]
There's no more milk.
It's been a week.
You can't just not talk to me forever.
We live in the same house, for God's sake.
I'm sorry I'm going out with the bloke you fancy.
I don't fancy him.
Didn't have you down as the jealous type.
Jealous?
Of you and paedo plod?
Don't make me fucking laugh.
What's going on?
Nothing.
(TOGETHER) Time of the month.
What, both of you?
(SINGING) Sisters, sisters.
Never were there such devoted sisters.
Lord help the mister that comes between me and my--
[sniffs]
--sister.
Oh, I love that.
We're not sisters.
[music playing]
NORMA: Oh!
EVERYONE: Go! Go!
Go!
[cheering]
[music playing]
MONICA: Morning, Norm.
Aye.
Overdo it a bit last night, Norma?
Tastes like a camel shat in my mouth.
Is that why you've got the hump?
I made a joke!
NORMA: Aye, hilarious.
Oh, God.
I think I've got a bug working on us.
Doesn't seem to have dented your fashion sense, though.
MONICA: Oh, nice.
Can I borrow them?
Like none of you have even been pissed, eh?
Good morning, dad.
Not if you've been sleeping in a fucking wheelbarrow
all night, it's not.
[music playing]
Did you give a description?
Well, nothing comprehensible while I was around.
At the time I gave my statement, she was in with the doctors.
DEBBIE (ON PHONE): Definitely rape?
Yeah.
They reckon she might have had her drink spiked.
Poor girl.
I know, it's horrible.
Anyway, our officers are in with her again now.
Listen, I think might know about us.
How?
I'm not sure.
She was singing a song about sisters.
I'm surprised it's taken them this long, to be honest.
Anyway, look, I gotta go.
Speak to you later.
OK.
MAN: Thanks, love.
See you next week.
[music playing]
LILLIAN: Hey!
You can't just barge in!
You're back?
Evidently.
I-- when?
A few days ago.
Lillian kept me room open.
Believe it or not, I've developed
an affection for this shithole.
Sorry, love.
He just barged in like gangbusters.
It's all right, Lillian.
He were just leaving.
I can handle meself, you know.
Did you plan to tell me?
Why would I?
Us?
There is no us, Shane.
Fuck's sake, how many times to I need to say it?
And that's it?
You're a cold hearted bitch.
Wait.
This belongs to you dad.
Every sovereign's there.
Tell him I decided not to take him up on his offer.
[music playing]
LILLIAN: [inaudible]
SHANE: Fuck off.
There you go.
Working brunch for the Good Samaritan.
Ah, cheers.
God, I'm knackered.
Didn't get in till gone four.
Any more info?
They wouldn't tell me anything.
That's a bit weird, isn't it?
I'd have thought you were their blue eyed boy, doing
a shift off duty like that.
I mean, professional courtesy.
You did a good thing.
Get that down your neck.
Tim O'Leary?
You're under arrest on suspicion of rape
and grievous bodily harm.
[music playing]
You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defense
if you do not mention when questioned something which
you later rely on in court.
I'm sorry, pal.
It's ridiculous!
I was helping her!
We know that, but the rape kit shows that whoever
did this used a condom, so there's
no semen samples to clear you.
And she identified you.
She was drugged and barely conscious.
Mine was just the first face she saw!
Where'd you get them scratches on your neck?
None of your business.
Do you think I did this?
Don't be stupid!
Course not.
But it would help if you start giving some answers,
like what were you doing out there at that time of night?
I was getting some fresh air.
I've did nothing wrong!
Sure you don't want a lawyer present, Constable?
I don't need one.
[music playing]
Serves him fucking right if he's done it.
We don't know that yet.
What?
Your, um-- your boyfriend's been arrested for rape.
-
What?
Asian girl, down Quarrier Lane last night.
I know where--
how do you all--
You told him.
Your mom overheard us arguing in here last week.
I never said a word.
She didn't.
And I think I've done really well keeping
quiet about it considering how tense
it's been between you two.
He didn't do anything.
It's all over the Estate, Debs.
I was with him all night.
We were together when we found her.
If I was of a particularly paranoid disposition,
this would bother me.
You turfing me out?
No.
You want me dole money?
No.
Happy days.
So?
What you going to do?
I need to see him.
I'll just-- I'll tell them that I was with him.
Debs.
Are you sleeping with him?
You're going to get him off a rape charge by telling them
he was busy sleeping with an underage girl at the time?
Are you happy now!
She's shagging him?
[music playing]
[sighs]
Ah!
You slag!
Oi!
Fiona Bruce!
When I asked you to stash those dodgy MOT certificates
in the toilet system, you did seal the bag probably,
didn't you?
- Yeah, I think so. - You think so?
It's usually much later in the day
before I start wondering what I did to deserve you.
[music playing]
Hair of the dog?
Just a glass of water, thanks.
Who was I drinking with last night?
Anyone who'd have you, apparently.
EVERYONE: Norma! Norma!
Norma!
What was the occasion?
There wasn't one.
I just came in for a quiet half hour to read the paper.
It kind of got out of hand.
No one in particular, then?
Something wrong?
I--
I woke up wearing somebody else's trousers.
No pants.
I've got no memory.
How much do false MOT certificate retail at?
Enough to make it worth my while flogging them.
Enough to make it a complete fucking embarrassment when
I meet big Dessier Sandersen.
I'll work it off.
Work?
It's only money, dad.
Why would you give Kelly nigh on 3 grand?
Not here, Shane.
Not today.
I've had enough for today.
She says she's rejected your offer.
What offer?
So the tart's back in town, is she?
She's got balls, I'll give her that.
I gave her a stipend to ease her path
out of here and away from you.
Call it paternal concern.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
You'd better get that tone out of your voice quick there,
sonny.
You're a bully and a cunt.
That's unacceptable.
Dad.
Dad!
Mind your business.
Think you're big enough to take a pop at the old fella?
[music playing]
You owe her an apology.
[crash]
[music playing]
Dad, that's enough!
No, it is not, unless your choosing sides.
Stay out of it, Jamie.
Got anything to add?
Don't hurt my brother!
Don't hurt my brother?
It's in his hands.
[music playing]
[crash]
[chatter]
Leave Leaving Fuck them!
I'm ringing your mom.
[music playing]
And what would baby like today?
Left or right?
Right one.
MIMI: Get out of my fucking way!
Move!
What's going on?
Paddy Maguire's knocking ten bells out his lad.
Shit!
What about baby's lunch?
Oh, go to Tesco's! like the rest of the country.
Stay down.
He'll kill you.
He's going to have to.
[music playing]
Patrick!
Oh, my God!
Fuck's sake, dad!
[music playing]
What are you fucking looking at!
He started it.
Jesus!
Shane!
Bastard!
[music playing]
How many's that?
14.
And they say romance is dead.
He didn't do this, you know.
Of course he didn't.
But why is he being so divisive?
His alibi's a load of rubbish.
Scratches on his neck?
I don't know.
We're his mates.
[music playing]
[chatter on tv]
How is he?
At the hospital with Kelly.
Are they keeping him in?
Don't know.
What are you up to?
Just trying to get my head around it.
Shane?
Debbie.
You can't be mad at her.
I'm not mad.
Well, what was all that about this morning?
The argument?
It's like she wants me to be her best
mate about it or something.
Hardly likely, is it?
She could probably use a best mate right now.
It was really humiliating, Ian.
That's not Debbie's fault.
Never said it was.
My life's hardly a Mills and Boon romance, though, is it?
Try being queer in the land that time forgot.
How hard can it be?
All I want's a decent shot at a decent bloke.
Me and all.
[chuckles]
Jesus, what a pair.
Oh, ha ha fucking ha.
At least I'm not stood there with bromide in me brew,
withering on the vine.
We weren't laughing at you.
Oh, weren't you?
Well, it's always best to get your blows in first.
And who's withering on the vine?
Evidence to suggest otherwise?
[music playing]
Fucking hell, Ursula.
And I swallow.
Why are you taking olive oil into school?
Home eccy.
Has it's other uses, of course.
Later.
Honestly Honestly, Ursula, this has never happened before.
I fancy you like fuck.
Tell that to your cock.
I get hard-ons all the time.
You can hang a wet towel off it.
A dry face cloth would be a start.
Wake up, you rucking idiot.
Curry's on. Let yourself out.
[train whistle]
PADDY: It's all I've got.
We agreed on 80.
I've got customers waiting for their MOT.
You'll get the rest at the end of the week,
and a 20% discount on the order.
How's your boy?
Wiser, I'm hoping.
Not that it's any of your affair.
Your missus must be fizzing.
Wouldn't know.
Haven't spoken to her.
I had to slap my lad down once.
Mouthy little cunt.
Walks with a permanent limp now, mouth hanging down to one side.
Let's leave the chit chat to Oprah, shall we?
Always a pleasure.
And it'll be 25% discount, Paddy.
[music playing]
You know what your dad's like.
He'll be really gutted about this, feeling awful,
but he won't back down.
I find it hard to consider his feelings right now.
It's how he's wired. You know that.
That's not good enough, mom.
How he's wired doesn't wash.
The whole family's tiptoed around his need
to be a big man for years.
So it shouldn't come as any surprise, then, should it?
Maybe we have tiptoed around him, but everything he does,
he does for this family.
Including wasting our Shane's face?
Could only be an improvement, though, battering Shane's face?
Oh, shut up.
It's what I do, isn't it?
You know, lightening the load when
everything gets dead seri-ass.
So what now?
You know he'll never apologize.
I don't know, mom. He's crossed a line.
Do you want a blow job?
These stitches in me cock might burst, you know.
Still feels like, um, there's a little like shard of glass
stuck in it or something.
[dog barking]
What are you so happy about?
You lied to me.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
How?
You said you came back because you had
an affection for Chatsworth.
You don't.
And how the fuck would you know?
You came back because you love me.
Do I, fuck?
I think you've taken one too many bangs to the head.
It's all right.
You don't have to say it.
Knowing it's enough.
I don't know what fucking drugs they gave you,
but you can send some my way anytime.
OK.
How could anyone develop an affection for this place?
Make Basra seem like Butlins in high season.
It's not so bad.
I'll just go to the station.
They don't have to know everything.
The hotel room's on my credit card.
They'll put two and two together.
What's the worst that can happen?
I won't have you testify.
They'll keep your name out of the papers,
but everyone around here will know.
Your school?
I don't care who knows.
I do.
Shit sticks.
You won't be Debbie anymore.
You'll-- you'll be the girl that was
seduced by that creepy copper.
You're not creepy.
[music playing]
Look, if I can take whatever consequences come my way,
but I'm not having a shadow cast over your life.
[music playing]
The ID won't stand up in court because
of the ketamine in her system.
Forensics on you will be minimal.
There'll be some from when he put
her in the recovery position.
A couple of hairs on her clothes,
maybe, but not enough to convict.
The girl put up quite a fight by all accounts.
What if there's more than just a couple of hairs?
What if my DNA is all over her?
How could it be?
The 99 call was dialed from a pay as you go.
No contract, so it's untraceable.
Whose phone was it?
No one's.
CARRIE: You're not helping yourself!
Will you stop lying to us!
- I'm not lying. - Take it easy, Carrie.
Who were you with?
None of your business.
Who were you with!
My girlfriend!
Then get her to vouch for you!
- I can't. - You can!
- No! - Tom!
I just--
I can't!
Stop lying to us!
It's Debbie Gallagher!
All right?
It's Debbie Gallagher.
But she's--
Underage, yeah.
That's why I can't tell.
My choices are between going to jail and going to jail.
[music playing]
Don't know why I bother.
Half these boxes are fucking empty.
They've all gone digital anyway.
MPSs, iPods, whatnot.
Couldn't sleep?
It's a very quiet house.
- They didn't come home. - No.
I asked them, but--
I didn't ask for it, Mimi.
The boy gave me no option.
I know.
This family means everything to me.
I know that.
But you've got a reputation to protect.
I understand.
But?
No buts.
You're my fella, Patrick.
[music playing]
[gasping]
Is
Jesus!
Norma!
I need a word.
Do these belong to you?
Not unless I've got multiple personalities, and one
of them's an American tourist.
Seen anybody in The Jockey wearing them?
I think I'd remember.
Can I go now?
Do you want me to inspect the rest of your wardrobe?
They're not from my wardrobe!
So what do you think would happen?
When?
Yesterday when you give me dad's money.
Not that.
You knew there'd be trouble.
Yeah, but for me, not you.
I though he might come around and break my legs.
Then at least we could get on with it.
Get on with what?
If you want me to say that soppy shite,
you'll have a long way wait, Shane Maguire.
I don't.
I'm sorry.
But I will take that blow job now, if it's still on offer.
You first.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh-uh.
Suffer for your art.
[laughs]
[music playing]
Get in.
All right, Carl?
Yeah, sweet.
[laughing]
What's the fucking matter with you?
Wake up!
This ever happen to you?
No, mate.
Quite the opposite.
I get a fucking flag pole at the most inappropriate moments.
You're a fit, young lad, though, so chances
are it's not physical.
Meaning what?
Well, meaning most impotency has an
underlying psychological cause.
I'm too young to have psychological problems.
Well, your knob don't think so.
What's changed?
Nothing.
Something to put you off schoolies.
[music playing]
How'd you know all this stuff?
I read a lot about cocks.
And fannies.
Cocks and fannies. - I'm heading out.
I need to lock up.
Just give us a minute, mate.
A bit light headed, you know.
What are you thinking?
You're a police officer.
And I've known you since you were a little kid.
I like the pair of you, but--
I suppose it was her put them scratches on your neck.
A bit of a tiger, are we? - Stop.
She'll have to come forward.
No, she won't.
She might not have to.
There's no witnesses, and forensics won't have enough--
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
I pissed on her.
What?
I pissed on her.
It's how we found her.
I went for a leak in the bushes, and--
My DNA is going to be all over her.
You pissed on a rape victim?
Well, it's not like I meant it.
I don't think that's going to go down
very well in court, do you?
She has to make a statement.
No!
You're prepased to let him swing for this, are you,
Lolita?
No, of course not.
I wanted to go straight to the CID.
Snare yourself a copper between double history and PE,
did you? - Carrie.
Your little mini-micro and your big doe eyes.
That's enough!
Who the hell are you to talk to her like that?
Neither of you got secrets?
What's the name on your birth certificate, Carrie?
How's you're driving now you're actually wearing your contacts?
See, this is what I'm talking about.
People will judge you, right or wrong.
It's just so complicated.
Well, you're an adult now, Debs,
and this is what it's like.
Have you told dad yet?
No, and I'm not sure you should, either.
I can't have everyone else knowing and him not.
It'll be different for him, Debbie love,
because you're his little princess.
And, well, he might not take it so well.
[screaming]
To tell you the truth, I've been looking forward to this.
You know, to this stage where we're
not just mother and daughter, but you know, we're like mates.
And, well, we can talk about stuff.
I suppose.
So, does it bother you, you know, your boyfriend
liking young girls?
What?
No.
Well, I mean, that girl you found, she was only just 16.
He never touched her.
Well, that's not what the police think.
I was with him!
I'm only concerned because I love you!
[door slams]
Stroppy little cow.
You know when you go into a supermarket on Christmas Eve
late, and there's only one scrawny turkey left
on the shelf that nobody wants?
Yeah.
That's us, isn't it?
[laughs]
How did it get to fucking this?
I don't understand.
I'm a big ride.
[laughs]
I'm lost, Ian.
I know.
Me and all.
What fucking use am I to Katie like this?
That's the problem.
It's not just about Katie.
It's about you as well.
You need to get on with your own life.
And not take my frustrations out on 15-year-olds
who think they're in love.
Maybe she is.
I'm a shit mate.
No, you're not.
You're brilliant.
[music playing]
I don't believe you.
I've got collections to make.
The fact I fell out with him don't mean business stops.
How are you going to make collections like that?
I'm a Maguire.
[music playing]
Wait, wait!
My hairs caught in your watch.
Sorry.
It's my turn.
Oh!
[laughter]
This is hopeless.
You're
Not giving up, are you?
You've got a stiffy.
I'm 19 years old.
I get a hard on in a mild breeze.
Thanks a bunch.
It was a stupid idea, anyway.
I'm gay.
Fucking a girl who is one of my best mates
is not going to solve anything.
Wouldn't do any harm.
Do you really want a poof for a boyfriend?
Anything that doesn't require batteries to operate
would be an improvement.
Get back on your horse, you miserable cow.
A boyfriend with certain horse-like
qualities wouldn't go amiss.
I'll do you a deal.
If neither of us are settled down by the time we're 40,
I'll marry you.
35.
Done.
[music playing]
So what's the plan?
You gonna batter me or fuck me?
I'm not into that Greek tragedy shite.
We had a deal.
No, you had to deal.
My thoughts on the matter weren't considered.
You've caused a rift in my family.
Weren't my fists beating down on me on son yesterday.
You put him up to it. Gave him the money.
I didn't want kneecapped as soon
as you found out I was back.
You could have given it to me direct.
Try again.
He loves me.
And you?
I'm not into all that silent treatment, either.
Do you love my son?
Yes.
So you deliberately provoked this.
I didn't provoke it.
You did.
When you threw a pile of cash at me and told me to leave.
So it'll would be my fault, then?
I've got a wife who's back at home who's
ready to stand by me despite the fact that her heart's breaking.
Those kids are our life.
I can't be seen to back down from a confrontation like that.
Do you know what that would mean to business?
And what's Shane?
Collateral damage?
You fuck with him, I'll kill you.
You're barred, Paddy.
Don't be silly.
Dining out on it, are you?
No.
That's enough, dad.
What is this, have a go at your dad week?
People are here for a peaceful drink, that's all.
I'm not here to cause trouble.
I'm here to apologize.
Yeah, well, Kelly's not here, is she?
I've already paid her a visit.
She says it's you I should be apologizing to.
I'm asking your forgiveness.
Please, son?
I lost sight.
It's breaking your mother's heart.
And mine.
[music playing]
Get up, dad, for fuck's sake.
I've inviting you and Kelly--
in, fact all of you--
four for a meal tomorrow night.
Family occasion.
- I've got plans. - Three-line whip.
Look it up.
You'll be there.
All right.
PADDY: Well, off you pop and ask her.
See if she can get the night off work.
That was big of you, Paddy.
Everybody on the floor.
[music playing]
I expect you to acknowledge me in the street.
If you pass me, you'll say good morning, good afternoon,
or good evening, Mr. Maguire.
Or "Paddy," if we're better acquainted.
Understood?
EVERYONE: Yes, Mr. Maguire.
And if you're a purchaser of controlled substances,
you will go right on purchasing as before,
and I will continue to provide the same high quality
of customer service that I always have.
Do I make myself clear?
EVERYONE: Yes, Mr. Maguire.
(WHISPERING) It's not loaded.
Get up, you tit.
Right.
Family meal, tomorrow night.
I'm cooking.
[bang]
[crash]
Oops.
[music playing]
Hiya.
Given them a wash, have you?
You?
Who'd you think it was, you daftie?
But-- I mean--
how did-- you and me, we didn't--
Don't be soft.
Don't you remember?
You came round to mine, demanding one of me girls
service you.
Said you were a woman with needs.
But none of my girls are that way inclined, love.
How-- how did I--
Well, you wouldn't take no for an answer, would you?
stripped right off.
You said, "I'm a woman, hear me roar!"
Whoo-hoo!
When you passed out, I couldn't
get your jean's back on you.
These were the next best thing.
So I dress you, threw a bucket of water at you,
shoved you through the door.
I-- I don't know what to say, Lillian.
I'm so sorry.
No, it were a laugh.
One of the girls got it on camera.
[shouting]
LILLIAN (VOICEOVER): Snatch Book, one of them websites.
[knock on door]
Can I talk to you?
You need to stop seeing this bloke.
Why?
It's not right.
It's a bit hypocritical coming from you.
I don't mean morally.
I mean Urusula Green wanted to give me a blow job,
and I couldn't
Why not?
I just couldn't.
I were trying to work out how come,
and Urusla's in your year at school.
So?
So if you're shagging, it'll make you the same as them.
And I can't shag them because they'll be the same as you.
You're not making any sense.
You're not like them.
You shouldn't be like that.
All the lads talk about them, compare notes.
Who's got tongue rings and stuff.
You're better than that.
I'm not better than anyone.
You are.
You're better then all of us.
Me, Lip, Ian.
You're the good one, Debbie.
You can do anything you want, be anything you want.
I'm still going to do all that stuff.
It doesn't stop me.
What of you get pregnant or something?
I'm not going to get pregnant.
I'm not stupid.
I'm happy, Carl.
Can't you just be happy for me?
You should, because happiness is at a premium these days.
You know?
FRANK: What, about you boyfriend?
Course I know.
I've got ears, haven't I?
Carl, will you give us a minute?
Urusla, it's Carl Gallagher.
Why didn't you say anything?
I was waiting for you to tell me.
I was scared.
I didn't know how you'd react.
What?
You think I'd ground you?
Scrape the rust off the chastity belt and throw away the key?
No.
I am your father, Debbie.
There's nothing you can't tell me.
Nothing you could do will ever stop me loving you.
[music playing]
I'd give you some, kid, but you know, you're underage.
What are you doing?
Leaving.
I'm the common denominator here.
If I go, everyone's problems will be solved.
- You can't. - No?
I can't put Debbie through this.
I won't.
I care too much about her.
Tom.
I've still got friends in Ireland.
I can disappear there.
The DNA results came back.
The skin samples from under her fingernails,
they've got a match.
It's some bloke on the other side of the city,
a three-time sex offender.
They made an arrest this afternoon.
Fuck off!
How's the girl?
Still under sedation.
She's traumatized, Tom.
You can't blame her.
I don't.
Not for a minute.
[music playing]
[sobs]
[chatter]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(INDIAN ACCENT) All right!
Lamb tikka masala.
From an old recipe of my dear departed mother.
Guests first.
Kelly's a vegetarian, dad.
Oh.
So your body's a temple, is it?
In terms of animal products, yeah.
In terms of spunk, I'm tested regular, so
no worries on that front.
Cheese on toast do you, love?
That's be great.
Could I have that and all?
[music playing]
Right. So, how did you two meet?
I want to hear all about it.
Tom took her for a cycling proficiency test at school.
No, he didn't!
As a matter of fact, I asked him out.
Right.
And have you always been interested in girls
much younger than yourself?
No.
No, no.
This is a one-off circumstance. - Ignore her.
She's just stirring it.
I am not!
Yes, you are.
So, what's it like giving birth?
Must be one of the most wondrous things a person can experience.
Hmm.
Well, if you're a fella, imagine shitting a football
or trying to pull your lip over the top of your head,
because that's about the closest I can describe it.
What's the occasion again?
Meeting Debbie's fella.
Oh, yeah.
So, come on.
When this country--
Fuck's sake.
--meant something--
- Shall we clear away now? - Yeah.
Aye.
FRANK: [inaudible] and [inaudible] Major and Thatcher.
Mon?
Mon, is there no pud?
We're not having pudding tonight.
Debbie's arranged a screening.
Oh, aye?
What of?
It's on the computer.
It's only short.
Snatch Book clips.
Only last a couple of minutes.
[music playing]
Fucking no!
Please wait!
No, please!
Was it Natalie Wood was in "The Searchers?"
Oh, yeah, and she was drop dead gorgeous in that and all.
[inaudible].
I always wanted to be like that.
Tracking down Indians, I mean.
"Little Big Man."
That was brilliant.
Dustin Hoffman.
Oh, God!
(SINGING) Keep rolling, rolling, rolling.
Keep moving, moving, moving--
FRANK (VOICEOVER): I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love, we just exist.
(SINGING) Don't try to understand 'em.
Just rope and trow and brand 'em.
Soon we'll be living high and wide.
my heart's calculating--
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Cilla Black is underestimated
as a philosopher.
And people talk about Bob Dylan and that,
but he just fucking moans.
Cilla had something to say.
Always had legs like toothpicks, though.
Well, then again, I suppose most Scousers are undernourished.
Yee-haa!
Rawhide!
[music playing]
Come on, open the door!
Let us in!
[cheering]
If that's a bikini line, she must wear
GBermuda shorts to the beach.
[laughter]
But nice tits, though.
[laughter]
[music playing]