[chime]
[music playing]
So kids, this way for the chaps with their express.
Hey.
FRANK: a lot of spike, he's making a mess is lives they
were given by, them old stars.
And kids they are convinced, aren't actually theirs.
Wicked.
Piss off.
What sounds on earth will ever replace.
Kids need your money.
Wives in your face.
Cause these people reckon, me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are chaps with estates, basic, essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
When you sit on our head, box, you pay the saxes.
Imagine Britain without chaps with buckaneers.
We'll cum on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Hey.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now.
Ah.
[music playing]
MANDY: One minute you're hanging get out on street corners,
shorter skirt, glossious lips, hoping boys will notice,
never mind talk.
Next minute, stuck in watching your mates go on about
their fucked up love lives on Jerry McHale trying
to come to terms with the fact that you've got
priorities and stretchmarks.
Single parents, bane of society, so they say, root of all evil.
Back then, bottle of cider and a bag
of chips and I was anybody's.
No such thing as dating.
Does my ass look big in this?
Huge.
Does my ass look big in this?
What ass?
That one's mine.
Dad's going to melt.
You sure about having Katie?
Of course.
I don't want her to spoil your night.
How could she spoil my night?
30 years.
[music playing]
Oh, fuck you now, Mormons.
Brewery do, Frank.
Got to look me best.
Be good.
I will.
Don't wait up.
Is that Lilian?
Oh, Karen, where'd you want us?
Hey, Karen, customer complaints please.
I don't want a todger dodger pulling my pipe.
I've seen it.
Fingers like dildos.
Equal rights for gender bender, now is it?
Have you washed your hands recently?
Oh.
[music playing]
[ethnic music]
Another complaint.
[ethnic music]
Too ethnic.
[ethnic music]
Fascist cunts.
[crowd cheering]
[soft music]
Dex.
Hi.
You look gorgeous.
[music with drums playing]
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Do you know what this shite does to your lungs?
Everything all right?
It's nothing to do with him.
- It's not a [inaudible]. - Chill out mom.
Everyone's at it.
Not everybody's got a name like Karib.
Rape Magistrates are gonna love you.
Worse things he could be doin, love.
At least he's keepin' his head down.
Who watched you, love?
Ease off.
Best way with teens, pull on the reins and they'll bolt, fact.
Where did you get it?
Better weed?
He's bound to dabble at some point.
You'd know all about, wouldn't you in your game.
Meanin'?
If you've given it one crumb of that shite.
You better watch your gob, lady.
I don't supply kids.
Where did you get it from?
Did you get it off of her?
Don't be stupid.
[music with drums playing]
Can't decide.
I am starving.
All sounds gorgeous.
Is it just me, or is it quiet in here?
Like we should whisper.
Yeah.
I got a list of questions in my head.
Oh, in case we run out of things to say?
Yeah.
Ask me something.
We haven't run out of things to say yet.
Anything.
All right.
How come you're single, a darlin' like you?
[flute music]
The early people catches the rabbit.
Shane, twat.
It was an accident.
I'm sorry.
You're the accident.
Ever thought about running away or getting a proper job?
That'd be an idea.
It's always the one's you love the most that get all the shit.
It's hard enough making it look equal with two.
What are you on about?
I don't know how you manage it with your tribe.
What does she mean, mum?
All this, insults, violence, you must be the favorite.
Yeah.
Shut the fuck up, gimp.
See?
You could have covered it somehow.
It's not fair on the others.
Come on.
Enough's enough.
Give the lad a love.
Breathe a word and I'll break your own neck.
Yeah.
[music playing]
Should we get another bottle?
We're just about out.
Thanks mate.
Two kinds of chips.
Yeah, it's bollocks, isn't it?
You can tell I've not been out in ages.
It's not that easy when you got a kid.
Yeah.
So who's mindin' her?
Mum and dad.
Don't have to talk about her, you know.
No, I want to.
Johnny is at my mum's.
- Who's Johnny? - My son.
Oh.
What's it like?
Hard work, like I said.
I used to think people who went on blind dates
were desperate.
It's bit different to a blind date, though.
When I saw your picture, well, I was well up for it.
What picture?
[music playing]
Oh shit.
[music playing]
Mandy's worked up, he's not my mate.
She's on the war path.
You better come home, then.
These were all in the papers I saw.
I'm not taking all the shit.
It was you and Ian that did this.
I said come home.
Jamie?
Ja--
[music playing]
Good night?
Internet date?
Why did you lie to me?
It was Jamie and Ian's idea.
You told me he was Jamie's mate.
Well, we thought it was the best match.
Thought?
I'm having a limo party Sunday if you're up for a good night
ladies.
It was dead key.
Loads were ya like with your debts.
A bit of PR to drum up business.
Desperatesingleparents.com, what they put?
Lonely mother of one seeks unattached bore for night
seen playing scrabble? - Where's Ian?
He'll come.
No, a little ice under.
Was he boring?
You know what I mean.
Did you fancy him?
Irrelevant.
Ritual humiliations dealt with that.
Lilian?
What did they put?
That you're great, that you're up for a laugh.
Dex, this is Karen.
Sorry, shouldn't have lied.
[music playing]
Glad you did, really.
Ha, ha, got ya.
You dick.
Do you want a drink?
You're always welcome here if it gets too much at home.
Sorry about my mom.
And thanks for sticking up for me.
Twice as good as the shit you've been gettin'.
Yeah.
On me, love.
Keep it schtum.
[music playing]
Vodkas please.
[MUSIC - PHIL COLLINS, "A GROOVY KIND OF LOVE"]
Control the quivering inside.
Wouldn't you agree, baby, you and me--
Seems to like him.
Yeah, he's nice.
I like him.
Let your hair down for once.
Upstairs is free.
Go on.
Ladies first.
[soft music]
Sit down.
[bell chimes]
[moaning and groaning]
What's that?
Uh-uh.
You're going nowhere.
[moaning]
Again?
Yeah.
Oh, I need some water.
[sirens]
Can't handle you beer or can't handle me?
[ominous music]
Dex?
Wake up.
Dex?
[ominous music]
Jesus Christ.
[ominous music]
[sirens]
[guitar music]
She's fast asleep.
30 years since our first date, you're still exactly the same.
Happy anniversary, babes.
[toddler cooing]
[music playing]
No pulse.
- What have you done? - Nothin'.
Did you shag him?
When did that kill anyone?
What did you eat?
Steak.
Peanuts?
No.
There must be something.
What's the last thing that he ate?
VA.
[sirens]
You haven't?
[sirens]
I'm very sorry.
I honestly thought he'd swallowed his tongue.
He Still owes us two canisters of Entonox
from last time, the twat.
[guitar twangs]
Dead to the world.
[MUSIC - BEE GEES, "YOU SHOULD BE DANCING"]
My woman takes me higher.
[knocking]
[MUSIC - BEE GEES, "YOU SHOULD BE DANCING"]
My woman keeps me warn.
Who stops a party before midnight?
She even searched my mates.
She doesn't have to worry.
She's not like you two.
Your chilled, dead reasonable, proper parents.
[funky music]
Best film ever made.
The only place you could get any privacy back then
was the pictures.
CONNIE: I'm babysitting.
That couple we used to sit for down your road?
Complete titheads.
And their son?
Nice lad.
Nice?
Little shit wouldn't go to bed.
That's kids for ya.
Kept interrupting.
Insisted on sitting between us.
Didn't you have to pay him off?
[funky music]
Thanks, enjoy the rest of your night.
[funky music]
Where were we, Tone?
[funky music]
[baby crying]
[guitar twangs]
JAMIE (VOICEMAIL): Sorry I can't take your call.
But leave a message, and I'll call you back.
KAREN: Fucking Jamie.
We're in so much shit.
We?
Well, you supplied. It's manslaughter.
Slow
You gave it to him.
But I know where I got it.
We worked our asses off for this place.
We can't go back down.
And what about me?
I can't leave Katie.
You're mum's to start with.
You know, Jamie would take the rap for it,
though, wouldn't he?
We've got to move him.
[suspenseful music]
[tape dispenser noise]
[suspenseful music]
Careful.
Yeah.
[moaning and groaning]
What are you doing?
Get up.
MANDY: I can't.
Oh, come on.
One, two, three.
One--
[snoring]
MANDY: What's that?
He's dead to the world.
Wait, come on.
[suspenseful music]
Hide.
(SINGING) The summers' gone.
And all the leaves are falling.
'Tis you must stay.
'Tis you must go, and I'll be staying.
Dee doo, dee doo.
[ominous music]
Sorry babe.
His fault. He said one more pint.
Aw.
He's full of shit.
[ominous music]
What?
[tires squealing]
Her mugshot's all over that website.
Billy, get rid of E's, all of them.
We'll have to delete the emails.
He'll have copies.
Jim, yeah, last night batch, offload'em.
Where's the rug?
I put it in the yard.
JAMIE: Oh, go and get rid of it.
Jesus.
You'll have to scrub the whole pub down.
Been lookin' for you, mate.
- Don't touch it. - Let me help ya.
Leave it.
I can manage.
I said, leave it.
It's not worth it.
Is there something wrong?
Does it look like there's something wrong?
Need to get out more, mate.
Lemon pie on Sunday if you're up for it.
[phone rings]
Ah, this better be good.
All right, darlin', won't be a minute.
Morning.
Have you got purse handy?
Hiya love.
Fancy some breakfast?
Our Jamie's been ah---
been um-- contaminated apparently.
With
[funky music]
You're gonna regret this.
[funky music]
It's probably been 6 years since it
were cleaned under there.
So I want to see some effort, sweat if necessary.
[children hollering]
Morning Mrs. Thompson.
How you doin' love?
You all right?
Good to see ya.
You give us a shout if you need help, OK?
It's commerce, Shane, not help the fuckin' idiot.
I bet she buys more.
YVONNE: What?
When who comes to the till with one finger in a basket?
It's human nature, Yvonne.
No one wants to look like a tight cunt.
[funky music]
Stop that.
You'll have to start again.
It's a jumble sale effect.
What?
Well, shoppers are drawn to it, especially bargain hunters.
Oh aye?
Yeah, it's instinctive.
People want to grab it up.
But they don't want to mess up something
that's all neat and tidy.
People will fill a trolley load with this lot.
Yeah.
It's another form of OCD.
It's like we all get little bits of it.
I can't have a shit unless me bath mat's at a right angle.
[sirens]
Wines and beers, all along there, make
it look like a rat fuckin' tip.
Mm-hm.
You're good.
Ass licker.
Really good.
Here we go.
Burn.
Wash.
I bought you that.
Teach you to stick your nose in next time
you think someone's desperate.
Didn't think you was desperate, Mandy.
Jamie.
[ominous music]
Oh.
[flute music]
Oh.
[flute music]
[music with drums playing]
[electric guitar strumming]
[ominous music]
[vacuum cleaner running]
Hey, this better not be one of them job share thingamagigs.
Don't worry, it's temporary.
You're safe.
It's an absolute disgrace, this country.
Christ, that's news.
Have you heard?
They found a body.
[vacuum stops]
Gunned down in cold blood, poor mite.
I blame the parents.
Oh, chill out.
It's not him.
There's no point in going under.
I know, I'm trying.
People will notice.
They'll come here looking for.
So what if they do?
He left drunk.
He fell in a ditch.
I don't want to lose ya.
You won't.
You got to keep it together for Mandy.
[ominous music]
[vomiting sounds]
[flute music]
An idea.
Go on.
Stay open later.
I've got kid's Shane, on dish to wash, box to clean.
I'll do it.
Nick let it right off a garage.
With Christmas puddings?
- Perfect for the munchies. - Let me.
You go get yourself some dinner if you're
going to be staying late.
She's fuckin' mensch, she is.
Hey, what's that program on the telly?
How clean is your pub?
I can't do this.
You can.
Look at me.
I'll go to the police.
I'll tell'em it was me.
It was an accident.
They'll know you couldn't have dumped him alone.
I won't mention you.
They won't just leave it at that.
They'll drag me in.
I haven't even got an alibi.
Just think of Katie.
Can't stop thinking about Katie.
FRANK: Soften the blow of the shame
of having it off with scabby Sciller
from the end of our road.
I was only 12.
She had curly teeth and four gray hairs on a melanoma.
But after 12 pints of this stuff,
no fucking way did I know it.
Happy fucking days.
I'll get you another.
On the house, mate.
I've got an idea.
And that was the last time I saw him.
He'd just been blown out, poor lad.
Oh, it was.
You can't blame him for seeking solace in the company
of an aging lothario, se moi.
Cheers.
So I offered him a pint.
Good.
Oh, yeah, nice lad if a tad naive.
He asked my advice on the perils of a first date.
Started he means to go on, so I said,
only an imbecile would tell a bird to stop talking.
But to tell her to that her gob is a work of art
while it is kept firmly shut of are the words of a genius.
[music playing]
Oh, then we left.
Mm together we left.
Then what?
FRANK: We went to the chippy.
Lent him a fiver.
We had chips.
He had gravy.
Then I walked him to but stop.
And that was the last time I saw him.
Come here.
Again.
[flute music]
[baby crying]
[flute music]
Weak?
Free?
Hope it's not performance relates.
She likes what I'm doin'.
She likes me, I think.
Yeah, and actually I quite like her.
Well, if you tidy yourself up a bit,
you might be in for a chance.
Yeah.
You have got a better bonnet than that Stan for a start.
They do like a good head of hair, them lot.
[whistle] [music playing]
[whistle]
[music playing]
What the?
[whistle]
[music playing]
See you love.
[music playing]
Got any dialers?
Doing a bit of PR on Sunday.
That's it?
[music playing]
Where the hell did you get it?
Sorry, I'll pay, promise.
Keep him occupied.
Should we put the TV on?
Plenty of fluids.
Oh, right.
I fuckin' love you, Mimi.
I love you too.
What's up with him?
A body.
Here you go, son.
Back, that's it.
I fuckin' love you, too.
And I love you, too, son.
I wish I was your son.
[knocking]
Chesney?
Shit.
[knocking]
Chesney, are you in there?
Hide him.
Where?
Take him for a drive or somethin'.
Quick.
He's gone out with Paddy.
Paddy?
Nothin' to do with me if they just bonded.
Kids need a father figure.
Depends on the father figure is.
Meanin'?
He'll get bored.
[suspenseful music]
MICKEY: Get your hands off me nuts.
Come with me to a part if you want, though, kid.
Have as many as you want then.
I fuckin' love you, Mickey.
[funky music]
I'm sorry.
I've lost my appetite.
[crashing of clothing]
At least put it in his pay if they puke in the limo.
You look after him.
I'm going to clean meself up.
Ah.
It's all my fault.
Throwin' up's a good thing.
I'd never forgive meself if anythin' happened to him.
[soft music]
MEENA: It's Shane.
How did it go, then?
Fancy a beer?
Come on, park your ass.
Fittest man on the planet.
Oh.
Not afraid to show his feelings either.
That's a real man.
I'd love to dance with him.
[music playing]
IAN: You need to eat something.
It's not your fault, you know.
There's so much he said he wanted to do.
What about you?
But he's dead.
You'd be as good as that banged
up for the next 20 years.
Do you now what I always want to do?
What?
Learn to play the guitar.
Piano definitely.
See the pyramids.
Empire State Building.
I though my luck had changed.
I really liked him, Ian.
[soft music]
[teeth brushing noises]
[soft music]
[flute chime and music]
[glass clanks]
Are you sure?
Might be the last one I have.
I'm gonna run meself in.
Why?
We've got a witness.
You call that an alibi?
Can I buy you a drink, Frank?
Christ, does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?
You're being ridiculous.
Leave her alone.
She's got her own mind.
Pint, Karen, couple of E's.
[music playing]
To your health, my health.
My God.
Just think about it before you do anything rash.
Have done, nothing else I can do.
[ominous music]
Chesney? He's woken up.
Hiya love.
Will he be all right?
He's awake.
It's a start.
How are you son?
Do you think he'd want anything?
Do you want anything Chesney?
Oh, shit.
Prolapse.
The chances of two people snuffing would be tiny, love.
Chesney?
Hey, are you with us son?
Is there anything that you want, love?
Any chance of a double cheeseburger and chips?
[guitar strumming and flutes]
If you'll get this lot cleared away by tea time,
you can start on them fags.
Then, I might let you go home early.
Yvonne?
[ethnic music]
What the fuck do you think you look like dressed like that?
Mum will do her tea.
No fish fingers, though, she hates them.
And she'll need a bath.
You don't have to do this.
Tell mum, no bubbles.
She's still got that rash at the back of her leg.
What--
[music playing]
Dex?
I walked into the wrong pie, ya?
[music playing]
A ditch?
Around the corner from mine.
It must have felt like shit.
These dead?
Sometimes when I have an E, wipes me out.
So why do you take'em?
I don't normally.
We were gettin' on so well.
I didn't want to spoil the night.
So what do you remember?
Just bits.
Remember going upstairs?
That's why I'm here now.
[music playing]
What time did I leave?
I can't remember.
I was pretty messed up, too.
Were you angry that I wasn't there when you woke up?
Did seem a bit out of order.
So can we go out again?
Think you can handle it?
Right, I want you up front with me.
You can start on this.
That's too good.
But it needs elbow grease. so put you back into it.
Don't want to have to dock your wages, OK?
Why me?
Shall I shoulders a brew?
Oh, brilliant.
He's only doing this to get in your knickers.
What?
Serious.
Look at him.
Do you fancy a pickie?
[guitar twanging]
All planned for tonight?
Not much.
Fancy coming round to mine?
Yeah.
Ever had a threesome?
Me, you, and Stan.
He's very open minded.
Put the closed sign up, Hasselhoff.
What's your policy on early retirement?
Whew.
[music playing]
Shame about that, he were good.
It would have only ended in tears.
Nice move.
Don't you get any ideas.
All right.
Thanks.
That was our Jamie.
Snide E's, my arse.
The corpse is alive and well and buyin' our Mandy a drink.
[children's voices]
[sirens]
See you soon, lad.
I love to be at yours.
You and Paddy are top.
[sirens]
Oi, in.
Oh, here she comes, back to smother ya.
Wrappin' them in cotton wool won't teach them.
The art of parentin' by Mimi Maguire.
Rush our and buy it, you might just fuck up your kids.
My kids aren't fucked up.
You want to take a look at yourself
before you start on me.
Oh, it's a struggle for you, isn't it?
You try bringing up two kids in a place like this.
His first words were what's a pack of it
because of the likes of you.
And God--
He was beaten up four times the first week
he started school.
Meena being expelled from three different schools for startin'
fights before they come to batter her.
Do you think I don't know that shit?
One, I'd never say Paki.
Two, Paddy got lifted that many times
by the coppers in the first five years
after steppin' off that boat.
Everyone assumed he was a poor bomah.
She looked after me, mom.
He was ill.
Ill?
Yeah.
But she fixed me.
Are you OK now?
Thanks for looking after him.
[dogs barking]
Do you fancy a drink?
[dogs barking]
Later.
Bring Paddy over.
Might, think about it.
[dogs barking]
[children's voices]
[soft music]
Same again?
Great.
Hey Mandy, is that that dead cunt?
Village idiot.
Frank Gallagher, you owe me a favor.
Do I?
Yeah.
The other night, remember, we left here, you and me.
I lent you a fiver.
We had chips.
You had gravy.
I hate gravy.
Must have been shitfaced.
You can say that again, eh, Lazarus?
Ah, come see papa.
Hey Mandy, word of advice, our conscience
is that internal voice that screams at us.
Just don't want anything to happen.
FRANK: And some fucker might just
be watching our every move.
Not so dead to the world after all, eh?
[funky music]
What's Let's
What's he on about?
Nothin'.
He's just a piss head.
Come on.
Something's going on here, isn't it?
You can tell me.
[music playing]
I thought you were dead.
So we rolled you up in a rug and dumped you in a ditch.
[ominous music]
Sorry.
I didn't think we had any choice.
I was confused.
At what point did it seem like a good idea to fuckin' dump me?
I'm sorry.
Don't be angry with me.
You don't get it.
Can't we just start again?
Put it all behind us?
Come on, we're having fun.
It's just too weird, sorry.
[music playing]
Tell you what.
Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
[music playing]
If he can't take a joke, better off without him.
[music playing]
[ethnic music]
Hey Mickey, a guest.
[ethnic music]
Come in, sit down, grave a vol-au-vent.
Nice carpet.
Help yourself.
[ethnic music]
[knocking]
Hiya.
Any beers?
Yeah, watch that.
[piano and flute music]
It's harder for us.
Everybody needs somebody.
You just got to get on with it, be resourceful.
Makes us twice as capable.
You've got to find an upside somewhere.
Hi.
He's cute.
Takes after his dad.
[music playing]
Been thinkin' could be mates.
So what if it's complicated?
What's the other option?
So on your own all your life, give up altogether, no chance.
[music playing]
[MUSIC - BEE GEES, "YOU SHOULD BE DANCING"]
(SINGING) Dancin', yeah.
Dancin' yeah.
She's juicy and she's trouble.
She gets it to me good.
My woman gives me power.
Goes right down to my blood.
What you doin' on your back, ah?
You should be dancin', yeah.
Dancin' yeah.
What you doin' on your back, ah?
You should be dancin' yeah.