[music playing]
[theme music playing]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
YVONNE: Oi!
FRANK: Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives that
were given by him upstairs, and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off.
FRANK: What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing
money or wives in yer face?
'Cause this, people reckon, me included,
is why pubs and drugs we're kindly
invented, to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grindin' your axes.
Well, you shit on our 'ead, but you pay the taxes.
[cheering and shouting]
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
[shane screaming]
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
[frank cackling and babbling]
[upbeat music playing]
[rooster crowing]
[IMPOSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[mysterious music playing]
MIMI (VOICEOVER): I'm not sentimental about my kids.
Woman I knew was convinced her brat
was gonna be prime minister.
Cold meats at Asda, since you asked.
I know what my lot can do.
They're not gonna surprise me.
You don't choose your family.
They're your gift.
Or your burden.
Or a by-product of the real choice.
I do a lot for my kids.
Mommy, daddy, pigs!
MIMI: But I'd do anything for my Paddy.
POLICE OFFICER: Police!
A positive outrage.
I play golf with the Chief Constable.
See you in an hour, Mimo.
Solicitor's waiting at the station, squirrel.
Cow.
Why didn't they nick me?
I'm a threat.
You knew.
[mysterious music playing]
Give this to our Mandy.
I've done the stock take.
You're responsible.
Personally.
[door slamming]
[frank gibbering]
FRANK: Siamese.
Conjoined.
Conjunction.
[frank gibbering]
Conjunctivitis.
[distorted warbling]
All of them?
That's a lot of drugs, even for 'im.
He must have sensed them.
I went in there, watched "Supernanny."
Sneaked upstairs and must have inhaled 'em.
I don't know.
He's a one.
Where is he?
[DISTORTED SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[frank gasping and gibbering]
We're gonna owe your mom git loads.
I'll have a word.
She'll want something though, deffo.
NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --In grammar skills,
mathematics and science is low for children.
The government's latest--
You don't earn that much selling these.
You said it were 250 quid a pop.
Well, someone's making some money at them shit-suckers.
Bollocks.
Can you find out how much we owe her?
NEWSCASTER (ON TV): Now the weather is gonna be dry--
See what I can do.
[suspenseful music playing]
Are we straight?
Have I cleared my debt?
You're in hock till I say, (POINTEDLY) Sergeant.
Why did they search our gaff, Sergeant?
I only knew about the raid.
Why am I still here, (POINTEDLY) Sergeant?
I really don't know.
[door creaking and slamming]
[keys clinking, lock clicking]
TOM: Hey, Carrie.
"Sarge" is the traditional title.
You are joking.
Before, I was a natural leader.
And now, I'm appointed.
Tell me again why they let you re-sit your exam?
You are under surveillance, (POINTEDLY) Constable.
[door creaking and slamming]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh.
A V. As in very, very lucky to have me on your side, Sergeant.
I'm looking forward to getting acquainted with you as agreed.
Wanna sit in on the Maguire pow-wow?
Yeah.
Where's my solicitor?
He canna wait, whackin' away with his little fat fists.
Most amusin'.
Fancy an afternoon at the flicks?
Nasty armed blag.
Prescription drugs, all-night chemists, two perps.
Little Muscles threatens to cut chemist's hand off.
Chemist gives in.
Well, you would.
Leads them in back for the stuff.
The other one, he's the leader, he's got indigestion.
Helps himself to some tablets.
Safe though, 'cause he knows where the cameras are.
Or does he?
[suspenseful music playing]
What if they'd fitted a new camera day before?
Eh?
Bang to fuckin' rights.
You're not obliged to say anything,
but we'd like it if you did, 'cause we
could do with a fuckin' laugh.
20 years.
I can't!
I can't live without--
We could die at our age, die apart!
That's not the plan.
I can't do that.
Fat Todd says I should plead guilty.
Fat Todd?
We only went with him 'cause of his poncy card.
We can do better than him, we can--
I'll cop a plea.
Good judge, serve half, out in 10.
(SOFTLY) Christ.
No.
Noel.
Noel!
Think about it.
We could do something with him.
I'd rather serve 20 without remission than speak to that.
No.
We need him.
He can get you off this.
D'you hear me?
I've cut him off like a dead fucking limb.
He's no part of me.
[door clicks and creaks]
TOM: You all right there?
Fucking rot, then.
I'm not waitin' for ye.
[door creaks and slams]
Mom's too upset to talk.
Havin' a bit of family bother.
Very bad timin' on Frank's part.
I have managed to persuade 'er not to burn your house down.
But you do owe 'er three grand.
Pay up, fast.
Good job Mandy's here to protect us.
She'll see us right.
Me dad's going down.
She's not as malleable as normal.
Shit.
So, what are we gonna do?
There's only one thing to do.
Bugger it off mates who are minted.
[melancholy music playing]
LILLIAN: Have you seen it?
It woke me up.
LILLIAN: Everyone's heard the bugger.
What's up?
Lillian's lost her rooster.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Rooster.
Goddammit, I'm gonna bomb your village.
Can't call it a cock in our house.
Cause all manner of palaver.
Only got it for that Latvian girl.
Thought it might make her feel more at home.
She's allergic.
[jamie and kelly laughing]
I need a favor, yeah?
I feel a right twat.
I need a loan. Three grand.
My dad's had your mom's drugs.
It's an emergency.
- We can't do it, mate. - Please.
I've seen the safe.
I know you've got it.
It's all gone.
Deposit for a kitchen.
Yep, doing the Thai food thing.
Three grand's not that much.
It is going to your family.
Sorry.
Look, we know you're good for it but--
We would.
We really would, but--
Pot's dry.
[glassware rattling]
New staff. Victor.
He's a cook.
You know, with you off traveling.
I'm not going for ages.
KELLY: Sorry.
[jamie sighs]
We'll still need you for loads of shifts.
It's plenty o' work.
Here, mate.
Have one on the management.
They're not just my bosses.
They're my mates.
No such thing.
Capital, labor, cast off your chains, us and them.
I'm still with them.
Class traitor, are ya?
Piss off.
[suspenseful music playing]
[vacuum cleaner roaring]
Suction central.
One o' your gents slaps this on for a posh wank,
won't need a hospital.
They'll need a morgue.
Will it vac up chicken poo?
Strong enough for human cack.
Actually that might be handy.
I need to launder some bills.
Bye love.
Filled your boots there.
That mine, then?
No.
That's the demonstrator.
You get a brand-new one.
Firm will deliver it.
[distant siren]
[suspenseful music playing]
[dog barking]
[heads cracking]
[ian yelping in pain]
[blows thudding]
THUG: Gimme that fuckin' money.
[kick thudding]
[ian whimpering]
[ian shouting]
Great fire will surely rain down upon them,
and will smite--
Shut up.
Think, Shane.
He's not even gone down yet, and they're
puttin' the squeeze on us.
What's next, eh?
War.
No.
We're nothing without your dad.
Are you scared?
Course I am.
I'm not stupid.
[suspenseful music playing]
Been robbed.
Took my cash, the demonstrator.
We're totally screwed!
What we gonna do?
Can't borrow the money.
Can't earn it.
No, this isn't gonna happen.
I'm not gonna let it.
It's time for us to all muck in.
Work?
[scoffs] In my condition?
Right.
Yeah, I'm the dickhead.
It's my fault.
Dad's.
DEBBIE: Yeah, well, we all need to chip in.
Mimi has to be paid.
Yeah?
Yeah.
DEBBIE: Carl?
Yeah.
DEBBIE: Ian?
Right.
Come on, let's get to work.
Oh, yeah.
MIMI: None of the kids can deal while you're on bail.
Business on hold.
How are we gonna manage?
We'll find a way.
I'm not getting involved.
Neither am I.
We're goin' down the pan.
Only one chance.
I can't do that.
Why not?
Mind your own business.
Mom's rang Noel.
If you ask him yourself, he'll drop everything and come.
You rang him?
I've got to help you.
What else can we do?
I can't do it.
Not even for you.
CARRIE: You're out.
Your brief's better then I thought.
Shut your mouth, bitch.
I own ye.
S'not much point owning me where you're going,
and I can't do anything to stop that, (POINTEDLY) boss.
[suspenseful music playing]
[mobile phone beeping]
It's me.
I need your help, and it's not a kidney.
Please, Noel.
Oh, you'll consider me?
Really?
(STAMMERS) I've um, got absolutely no experience,
and I'm very preggy.
Oh, what a shame.
No, don't worry about it.
Soon as you mention that, brick wall.
Mm.
Yeah, there should be a law.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
I need another demonstrator.
In this scenario, I will be willing to sell you another,
special circs, et cetera.
All we need is 100 pounds, and before you know it,
the cash lorry's backin' into your depot.
Beep, beep, beep.
I'm skint.
Can't I get an advance?
Oh, company policy.
Hands tied.
[harsh sad music playing]
[pop music playing]
Hey, get off if you want.
Come back tonight.
I know you need to get sellin'.
Yeah, I do.
You're all right, then.
Yeah, why?
Got a text sayin' you been stabbed and you were in A&E.
That's that evil wanker who took my phone,
and my money, and my hoover.
Nasty.
And why aren't you looking for work?
I've tried.
No one wants an unqualified, pregnant woman
of my advanced years.
Sexism, ageism, womb-ism.
Give us a whiskey and a tomato juice.
That's what me body wants.
JAMIE: Where you off?
Dry cleaners.
You gonna cash up?
Just do it all in one go tonight.
Listen, I'll get Vic.
You leg it.
IAN: Yeah, OK.
[CASH REGISTER BEEPING AND RATCHETING]
[suspenseful music playing]
[jamie and victor chattering]
Cheers.
I'll see ya tonight.
See ya.
(QUIETLY) Oh, fuck.
CARRIE: I've put in for firearms.
I want shifts at the airport with machine guns.
STAN: Why would you have those?
We know those civilians.
Surely, machine gun's the last thing you need.
CARRIE: They look really cool.
KITTY: Sergeant.
I've been looking for you. - Ma'am.
Mm.
Ma'am.
I like that.
Next week, Los Angeles.
Fact finding mission, gang scum.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Poppin' caps in yo' ass, (NORMALLY)
and so on.
Want to come, wi' me?
I'd love to, but I haven't got a passport, ma'am.
- I'll go. - (SCOFFS) I don't think so.
I'm disappointed.
Very.
She thinks I made that up.
- Well, you did. - I didn't.
I ain't got a passport.
Yes, ye have.
Shut up, Tom.
Who's the sergeant?
Don't see why she wouldn't take me.
You lack a vagina.
How do you think she became sergeant?
You and me are gonna fall out.
I thought we already had.
[telephone trilling]
[suspenseful music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
Please.
[bills rustling]
What?
[ian huffing]
(SIGHS) You were two hours ago, love.
I still don't want one.
[door clacks shut and rattles]
- Oh, admit it, Vic! - Thievin' twat!
You stole money outta the fucking till!
I didn't!
I fucking swear.
I'm a working man, not a thief.
What's going on?
This one's had his hand in the till.
It wasn't me!
Typical boss class.
Um.
Maybe it wasn't him.
Don't you go all Workers United on us!
This is well out of order.
Fuck you both.
You're a pussy-whipped bastard, and you're a fucking slag.
Oh yeah?
[ominous music playing]
Chrissake, you cannot get the staff.
SHANE: So why'd you fall out again?
Don't want to talk about it.
It's 'cause Uncle Noel's gay.
Who told you?
That's not-- Shut it.
We all know.
Don't talk about it.
It's bad enough havin' a pillow-biter in the family
without voicin' it.
So you're eh, you're identical twins?
(THOUGHTFULLY) Oh.
(MENACINGLY) What do you mean by "Oh?"
Dunno.
It's just identical.
It means exactly the same.
PADDY: You so much as fucking hint
that I'm some bum-burgling no mark again,
and I'll rip your fucking entrails out,
d'you understand me?
Do you?
There's only one pervert in this family.
[door clacks shut]
What do you say?
'Ello, Uncle Noel.
[suspenseful music playing]
[speaking french]
Bonjour, Patrick.
Look, I'm not sticking up for him.
I'm just saying there's other possibilities.
Do you want your shifts back, or should we go
and try and find someone else?
[PATRONS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
Cheers.
He's never forgiven me for being the oldest.
I am the oldest.
I was in the birth canal when you came out of the C-section.
That's the real risk.
I breathed air first, ergo oldest.
It's the oldest argument too.
I've missed it.
I haven't.
And I was mommy's favorite.
She liked going shoppin' with you.
We know why you're so good at it now.
That doesn't make you favorite.
Who wouldn't prefer shopping to waitin' in police stations?
I was a good boy.
What's so good about gay pride, eh?
What a laugh.
What's to be proud of?
Clearly nothing, for you.
And for that, I'm out of your life,
and I miss your family growing up?
MIMI: Stop it.
There's no time for this.
Paddy's in a hole.
Lookin' at 20 years inside.
[noel sighing] What do you want me to do?
We want to confuse the police with this identical twin thing.
Restage the robbery on the chemist with one of you
in custody as Paddy.
Crime.
Mercy.
Exactly the same job.
But with Paddy inside, he'll have a definite alibi.
Means it might not have been him the first time.
Creates a reasonable doubt.
They'll never get a conviction.
What about me?
They'll be seeking a looky-likey.
Why not try twinny? I would.
'Cause nobody knows shit about you.
I made sure o' that.
And what if I get caught?
Think of all the men (LAUGHS) desperate for sex.
There are easier ways than--
Why do I bother?
Why would I risk that for you?
You despise me.
Family.
MIMI: We'll do everything to keep you out the frame.
It's a risk.
Scared, gay-boy?
Not as scared as you, this time.
Oh, Patrick.
We were as close as could be.
You're still an angry fuck.
I won't do it.
MIMI: Nice one, Prisoner 5645.
What's your fall-back plan, Houdini?
Micky.
Uncle Noel.
Go fetch him back. - Why me?
'Cause you're the nearest thing we got to a pansy.
Piss off.
PADDY: Don't come back without him.
[door slamming]
[door clanking]
IAN: You all right?
See you later, Teddy.
[distant dog barking]
[ominous music playing]
[glass shatters, flame whooshes]
[fire crackling]
[whimsical music playing]
[sex toy buzzing]
[ominous music playing]
[MUSIC - EDVARD GRIEG, "MORGENSTIMMUNG"]
[ominous music playing]
[rooster crowing]
Roast dinner dodging bastard.
Jesus.
What's the time?
[rooster crowing]
What's that smell?
[siren wailing]
Fuck!
Shit!
[serene music playing]
Goblin Teasmade.
Surprisingly comfortable, your fanny magnet.
I'm not outing anyone.
I know what he's like.
When did you last see 'im?
Ooh.
When he said, stay away from me you dirty poof.
Can't have been all his fault.
He thought we were completely honest with each other.
Caught me in flagrante.
That a nightclub?
In the act.
I know what it means.
Kicked my head in.
Felt betrayed.
Couldn't trust me.
Irrevocable breakdown.
And then you fucked off to uni and started
wankin' on like a student.
Indubitably.
We'd stopped gettin' along before he knew.
He used it as an excuse to formalize the break.
He betrayed me.
He did, and he knows it.
Why do you think he's so guilty?
I know he's a bastard.
But I still don't want him to go down.
Please, Uncle Noel.
[melancholy music playing]
Could have been worse.
We could look like this.
What the fuck?
You all right?
What happened?
JAMIE: Torched.
That prat, Victor.
I'm going to rip his spleen out.
Jesus, I thought--
I'm so sorry.
(SCOFFING) It's hardly your fault, mate.
It is.
I should have been nicer to 'im.
I felt sorry for him.
Lost his last job.
What?
He lost his last one when the pub--
Burnt down.
Chrissake, Jamie.
We'd be dead if it weren't for that bird.
Lillian's rooster.
Woke us up cock-a-doodlin'.
Bloody fire brigade.
Why couldn't they watch where they're goin'?
I'll take it (STAMMERING) to Lillian's.
Might have to lay you off for a bit, mate.
[grim music playing]
[ian sighs heavily]
[flute music playing]
Well, you could try.
What's up?
Done somethin' really stupid.
Well, can you fix it?
Don't you wanna know what I did?
Don't know if I can.
I mean, I could shut up about it,
and no one would know the difference.
I've been a total twat to mates.
And what good would tellin' the truth do?
It might make me feel better.
Just keep it shut.
Cope with the guilt on your own.
That's a punishment.
[ian sighs heavily]
(QUIETLY) Fuckin' hell.
[CHEERING AND GRUNTING ON VIDEO GAME]
VIDEO GAME CHARACTER: You lose. - What are you doin'?
You had me.
I can't be arsed.
I only play for ye.
Have you found Noel?
In car, waitin' for youse.
We've been campin' out all night.
[grim music playing]
[mimi sighs in relief]
[car window whirring]
[paddy sighs heavily]
I see you're gonna make me pay for all the years of hurt.
Who wants the favor?
And am I going to have to bend over backwards or forwards?
[car window whirring]
Sorry.
[hollow thudding on window]
Sorry.
[car window whirring]
Why does it matter to you what I do with my cock?
We--
Wanked together.
You're not gay, Pat.
I would have died for you, and you were lying.
You lied.
You loved me being gay.
Meant you could break away.
Be on your own, not part of a pair.
And then you end up with a wife who's as close as a twin.
Is that irony?
I can never remember.
I'll have to look it up.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I wasn't the favorite.
She just hated me less.
Jesus, I'd forgotten how much of a bleedin' know-all you are.
Are you gonna help me?
I might.
[hollow thumping]
And what fucking silly-arsed hoops are you gonna
make me leap through first?
[suspenseful music playing]
Noel has very kindly agreed to help.
'Bout fucking time.
[slap thudding]
In return, I'd like youse all to make space in your diary
for Noel's nuptials.
You what?
Noel's marrying--
Lionel.
PADDY: I'm giving him away, and paying for it.
I'm really happy for you, Noel.
Thanks.
Nice one.
SHANE: What ye talkin' about?
It's two fucking blokes.
Shut it.
If he's keepin' me out of prison,
he can marry a fuckin' horse.
Not that I'd ever, ever, compare Leonard--
Lionel.
To a horse.
Thanks, Pat.
We need a dress rehearsal.
[upbeat chord playing]
Why do I have to be the chemist?
SHANE: This is a robbery, motherfucker!
NOEL: Shane, language.
SHANE: But that's what I said last time.
I'm sorry. (STAMMERING) I thought
we were doing exactly the same.
We are.
SHANE: Open the back, or I'll chop your fuckin' hand off.
NOEL: No, I (STAMMERING) can't do this.
It's so violent.
I mean, it's just not me.
Christ on a bike!
When you asked me to do this, and I very kindly,
and perhaps foolishly, agreed, I assumed
it was going to be me in prison for the evening
pretending to be you.
Hm?
Now there's doing you a favor, and there's total stupidity.
There's only so much I can do.
OK, fine.
Your way.
I do the robbery.
I take all the risk.
[light upbeat music playing]
Seems fair.
STAN: See you, Yvonne.
Just had a whisper from a [inaudible] New dealer
we're after, small, 'bout 10.
White, roundish face, brown hair.
What, like him?
Or him?
No, like him.
[chase music playing]
Oi!
Gallagher!
Come here, you.
Get off me!
What's this?
TOM: Where'd you get that, Liam?
Sellin' fairy cakes.
Sounds a bit far-fetched.
It's true.
Go home, and if you're up to bad stuff, stop now,
d'you hear me? - No chance.
He's nicked.
LIAM: What, he let me go!
CARRIE: Ain't gonna happen.
Fairy cakes?
What happened to questioning?
Now look, we're lettin' him go.
- It is quite a lot. - Get off!
You've just blown it.
Last chance, you're finished.
Let him go, Wendy!
[ominous music playing]
Wendy?
Who's Wendy?
Scarper.
STAN: Oi, kid.
We both done wrong.
Not obeying insane sergeant, wrist slap.
Assuming false identity to get job in police, five years.
So I said I was my sister. Big balumba.
Yes, it is.
Why?
Failed the psychological tests.
Not suitable.
Joke!
That ink spot did look like Myra Hindley.
I'm a born copper.
Where's your sister?
Dead.
TOM: Did you?
Kill her?
She died in a plane crash, in Africa.
There was some confusion over the death certificate.
That's how I got myself another shot.
TOM: How did you pass the test?
I learned all the answers.
Look, I'm a sergeant.
Everything's good.
I'm good.
Please, Tom.
I live for this job, you know I do.
I'm nothing without it.
I don't know.
CARRIE: I'll do anything to stay on the force, anything.
Please.
D'you wanna have sex with me?
No! Yes.
No.
Go on.
Any position.
Any kink.
Stop it!
I don't want sex with you.
You're all sorts of strange, bad things.
Don't do it to me.
Please?
I'm beggin'.
[tom sighs heavily]
I can't see you thrown outta the force.
I won't say anything.
[DOOR CREAKING AND CLANKING SHUT]
(QUIETLY) Yes.
[brush scrabbling]
Ah, another hand for the deck.
Be like new in no time.
JAMIE: That Victor.
He's workin' at The Feathers.
You haven't done anythin' yet?
We thought we'd leave 'im a bit.
They're the competition.
A fire there wouldn't be bad news.
It was me who took the money.
[melancholy music playing]
I'm sorry.
I thought I could borrow it and get it back.
I wasn't gonna nick it.
I'm really, really fucking sorry.
I'll pay you back.
I'll redecorate.
I shouldn't ha' done it.
I'm sorry.
You were family.
I'm sorry.
Keys.
Now piss off.
[plaintive music playing]
[door clicking shut]
[keys jangling on wood]
[quiet sniffling]
Right.
Let's take stock.
Now then, I've run up against society's prejudice,
so I've earnt nothing.
22 pounds 73.
200.
Minus 350.
[debbie sighs quietly]
Me an' Liam did it together.
You have won 3,850 pounds!
What the fuck!
Fairy cakes.
With hash in.
You're drug dealers?
You can use the leftover cash and pay back what you owe
and that.
Where'd you get the drugs to sell?
[mischievous music playing] - You want them wholesale?
Why not?
You can't sell any.
OK.
On a very temporary basis.
It's only dope.
Drugs caused it.
Dad caused it.
Is he still in your room?
FRANK: No, mommy.
I don't wanna join the navy.
Oh, shoe.
Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause you would have stopped us.
Too fuckin' right I would!
Well, look, there's some left.
I'm jobless and friendless 'cause of--
Right.
I'm gonna sort this out with Paddy.
[FAST PACED SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
DEBBIE: (SOFTLY) Ian, what you doing?
I can't--
Debbie can't deal drugs for you any more.
I'm stopping anyway.
IAN: She's too-- PADDY: Mimi?
What's goin' on?
This little girl deals drugs for us?
Three grand, paid.
I'm sorry, but we're not doing any more dealin'.
MIMI: No, temporary.
I should've told you, Paddy.
Mi-mo.
You must always share with me.
I woulda put a stop to it.
Back to school, young lady.
Go on.
And you.
Thank you very much for bringing it to my attention.
NOEL: [sighing] You know, maybe youse
all deserve to be in prison.
Don't have second thoughts.
Don't.
Please.
Good luck, Noel.
Good luck, Pat.
[suspenseful music playing]
[distant siren wailing]
You!
Yes, you.
You're a big bald--
Bumhole, that's what you are.
Had a couple too many, eh Paddy?
So what if I have, hm?
What are you gonna do about it?
[noel grunting]
I've got a few too many.
[noel grunting and cackling]
Aw, Paddy, come on.
NOEL: All right, what are you doing with me?
What's he in for?
D&D.
Did you have any intention ever of keeping
your side of the bargain?
CARRIE: Of course.
'Cause I'm not seein' muff here, am I?
I can imagine a scenario where your career
stutters at sergeant.
[noel shouting drunkenly]
[ominous music playing]
This is a fuckin' robbery--
Oh, not again!
SHANE: One false move, and you're a hand down.
PADDY: He's all bluster. I'm the real deal.
One word, one look, and your balls
are in the post to your wife.
SHANE: Get!
CHEMIST: Please take whatever you want.
Don't hurt me, please.
[suspenseful music playing]
IAN: It's everything I could get.
For the decoratin' and the um, and the money I borrowed.
JAMIE: Nicked.
I can't believe I did that.
I was so sure you'd lend it us.
I was hurt when you didn't take the cash.
Was your fuck you.
IAN: No.
I just nicked it.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
We're mates.
Turn the fucking taps off.
We'll keep this, so just go.
[grim music playing]
Thought you'd know something about second chances.
You got one.
[plastic bag rustling]
Got you that.
What?
[huffing quietly]
PADDY: Where is he?
Why haven't we heard anything?
What if the cameras weren't working?
What if he didn't get arrested?
All sorts of things could go wrong.
Why hasn't Fat Todd called?
Relax.
We've got to assume he knows what he's doing.
[door clacking]
Thank fuck.
Where've you been?
In a cell, until Fat Todd arrived.
He's there now.
[sighing in relief]
[upbeat musical chord playing]
Is it true about the CCTV?
Yep.
There goes the tape with the lawyer.
Apparently, Paddy Maguire's superhuman.
Win some--
We can't let him get away with it!
It's a scam.
Probably, but I've had a word with the boys upstairs.
No one's interested.
Well, they've gotta be.
He's a villain!
He's a major face.
We need to nick him.
He belongs inside.
Do you always go all Sweeney when you're angry?
Ask them again, please.
I'll look a right twat.
No, I won't.
Ask him, and I'll have sex with you.
Nah.
Too late.
WPC Flannery, now there's a woman with ambition.
[music playing]
CARRIE: They're dropping all charges.
How d'you do that?
You on CCTV and in the cell.
CID know something's gone on, but you're
just not big enough for them to bother putting the work in.
That cuts me to the very core.
I'm deeply wounded.
What's the matter?
You don't look too pleased for me.
I don't want to work for you.
PADDY: But you do.
Tough titty.
What if we had sex?
Would that be quits?
Christ, no.
Only need one look to know you're a crap shag.
You're mine, in a much better way than that.
[door slamming]
[menacing music playing]
PRESENTER (ON TV): Just down the road from where the [inaudible]
What?
You're a fucking twat, Ian.
Yeah.
But you're our fucking twat.
Will you come back?
You sure?
You really want me?
No.
We want somebody trustworthy.
But you'll have to do.
JAMIE: We're not redecoratin'.
We're going on holiday.
With your money.
Ibiza.
And we're going now.
JAMIE: You're late.
Right.
[ian chuckles softly]
[pop music playing]
Ian!
Bottles of your best burt champagne.
[paddy clapping and cackling]
I love it when a plan comes together.
Nice one, dad.
I can't stay, Pat.
You don't have to come to our weddin'.
What?
And I don't want you to pay for it or give me away.
Why not?
I want you to come because you want to, that's all.
You're invited, you all are.
Come if you want.
No.
It would be an honor for me to dance at your weddin'.
Right I'm off.
[noel clicking tongue]
Dance at his fucking weddin'?
[laughing hoarsely] (SINGING) YMCA,
it's fun to stay at the YMC--
It's true then? IAN: There You go.
What's true?
The rumors.
What rumor?
Well, the CCTV of you gobblin' PC Matheson.
When you were in custody.
Was you, wasn't it?
[mischievous music playing]
[noel slurping and cackling]
I'm not gay.
SHANE: Suckin' someone off?
That is quite gay.
I'm.
Not.
Gay!
I'm not!
MIMI (VOICEOVER): There's somethin' in the gene stuff.
I know I love Paddy, but I love the people
who remind me of him, too.
Sons, brothers, even his mother.
Well, she did give birth to him.
Sometimes, I'm so full of love, I could kill anyone.
I'm not gay!
[chair clattering]
Get her.
[theme music playing]
I've had the weirdest dream.
You lot were in it.
Well, not exactly leadin' parts, but--
Is that all you've got to say?
How you feelin'?
Fine.
Fuckin' starvin', but fine.
Why shouldn't I?
What's for brekky?
[spider legs skittering in pan]
We meet again, Gallagher.
[frank screaming]
[ominous music playing]
FRANK: Just say no, kids!
[music playing]