[soft music]
[theme music]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
WOMAN: Oi!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they
were given by Him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off.
What sounds on Earth could ever
replace kids' needing money or wives in your face?
'Cause this, people reckon-- and me, included--
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented, to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates' basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
Where you shit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Eh?
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
[laughter]
Scatter!
Party!
[theme music]
IAN (VOICEOVER): The average bloke produces
500 million sperm a day.
That's the population of Brazil in each bollock.
So each of those little tadpole things
that makes it through and ends up creating a baby
is like a roll-over lottery winner, total miracle.
Human beings really are amazing.
Well, some of them.
Is that a cock?
No, that's it's thigh bone.
And don't say cock in front of the baby.
Well, what can I say?
Knob?
If you want to talk about that area why don't you say winkle?
Or do-da?
Do-da?
Fuck off.
Honestly, the men in this family.
No soul.
[rock music]
MICKY: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Roscoe, you dirty--
IAN: Shit!
MICKY: Oh, yeah.
IAN: I'd go and hurry up if I were you.
Your dad's coming. MICKY: Get out!
MAN: Oh, shit.
Your bag. Take it.
Quick, go!
Go!
Right, dad.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Just talking to him, that's all.
Did you do the pick up?
Yeah, yeah.
It went really well.
Really good directions, too.
Spot on.
Who needs sat-nav when they've got you?
Good.
Well, bring it on home.
I'll be back in an hour.
Have you got a death wish, or what?
I'm going to town. I'll see you later.
Ian?
Have you seen a blue bag anywhere?
Yeah, I gave it to your boyfriend.
That's me dad's package, you dick.
What'd you do that for?
He dropped it.
Oh, this is bad.
Oh, this is really fucking bad.
All right, come on.
He can't have got far.
It's nothing to do with me, mate.
You just gave away a shitload of coke
meant for Paddy Maguire.
What do you think he's going to do when he finds out?
[drill whirring]
[funky music]
There goes my night off.
Micky!
Willoughby?
He'll get lynched.
Be nice to have something different, though, wouldn't it?
Not just some other Tracy, Darren, or Debbie.
No offense, Debbie.
Well, I wanted to call you Chante.
DEBBIE: Well, why didn't you?
[baby crying]
The baby's name is, uh, Ch--
[funky music]
--Debbie.
[baby crying]
Anyway, names are hard.
We've got to have room for a girl and one for a boy.
Why don't you just call it Pat?
Then, it's fine, whatever it is.
You can't call a baby Pat.
That's a numpty's name.
[gentle music]
Katie love, could you pass that fag for me?
I can't--
[muttering]
[gasps]
It kicked!
Can I feel it?
Just there. That's right.
Feel it? - Can I?
DEBBIE: That's amazing.
MONICA: Not now, Liam.
What about Wolfgang?
Get used to it, mate.
It's going to be baby, baby, baby from now on.
MONICA: Or Eugene.
That's a nice name.
MANDY: You can't call it Eugene.
Come on, Katie, let's--
Katie!
Spit them out!
Frank.
Frank!
Personal use, officer.
Are these yours?
FRANK: What?
The pills! The bloody pills!
Katie's had some.
Oh, fuckin' hell. DEBBIE: What's going on?
MANDY: Call an ambulance.
I'm dead.
I'm so fucking dead.
Maybe he'll bring it back.
Two kilos of coke?
I don't think so.
Have you got his number or anything?
Look, I'm not stupid.
I don't know his number.
I don't know where he lives.
I don't know what his shitting star sign is.
He's just a shag.
Where did you meet him?
Uncle's abattoir.
You pulled in an abattoir?
Well, I've got a puncher outside.
He was just knocking off.
You know where he works?
Rights, so we'll find him in the morning.
We've lost the Friday pickup.
It's going to be cut, bagged, and shipped out
for the weekend, and me dad's gonna chop me bollocks
off if I'm not back tonight.
If you've got any better ideas, let's hear 'em.
I'm going home.
I'll see you in the morning.
MEDIC: Can someone tell me what she's taken?
What the fuck were you thinking?
It was an accident.
Can everyone just calm down?
It wasn't my fault.
I'll kill him.
Come on, calm down.
Someone please tell me what's she's taken.
If anything happens to her, you are dead, Frank.
Dead.
These aren't drugs.
You what?
They're minutes.
They're just mints.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Travel mints.
I've got some in my glove compartment.
Thank you, God.
You stupid, stupid bastard.
Look, there's no harm done.
But you got to be more careful in the future.
And next time, you might not be so lucky.
It's just a mix-up.
It won't happen again.
He doesn't live here anyway, so make sure
we keep him out of the way.
You what? MANDY: Come on.
Thanks again, for everything.
Well, what'd you say that for?
He could tell the social.
Don't be daft.
Like he said, there's no harm done.
Only 'cause you got ripped off.
What happens next time?
I don't know.
I'll be careful.
Oh, that's reassuring.
I can't have him under the same roof as Katie.
He's got to go.
[laughter]
Hold on, hold on.
If you look on the mat, you'll see a pile of bills there
addressed to Mr. Vernon Frances Gallagher, not Mandy
cuckoo-in-the-nest Maguire.
This is my home.
No one's telling me to leave.
Am I right?
Well, thank you for your rousing votes of support.
Can you blame them?
You're not fit to be around children.
Oh, well go to you dad's house because that's a drug-free
zone, innit? - Piss off, Frank.
OK, OK.
I'll make this easy.
Either she goes, or I do.
I pay to live here.
That's more than you do.
I'm talking to me family.
Carl?
You're out of order, Dad.
Debbie?
No one's leaving.
Least of all, Mandy.
Who do you think pays them bills on the mat?
She pays her way.
Fuck it.
Monica, are you gonna back me up, here?
You owe Mandy an apology.
I owe Mandy an apology.
Right.
Go on.
Out.
Go, all of you.
Bunch of Judases.
Go on, sling your rocks.
Done with you.
[gentle music]
You've got two more waiting downstairs.
Five minutes, all right?
Try and get their money this time.
Yeah, all right.
Time's up, lover boy.
Ay.
Same time tomorrow?
Listen, Kelly.
I can't.
I want to.
I really do.
But I'm skint.
I can't it running up a tab.
Tell you what.
Fix the bed for us, and I'll give you a freebie tomorrow.
It's not even broken.
[wood crashing]
Can't work with a broken bed, can I?
I'll lose a fortune.
[gentle music]
[bell ringing]
Oh, come on.
Have a heart, just for old time's sake.
It's just for one night, Karen.
You not staying here.
Have you heard about justice?
It's a matter of principle.
Suffragettes, Nelson Mandela, Bobby Sands.
Ring any bells?
Four hours shampooing the carpet
after the last time you stayed.
Ring any bells?
Hey, Gloria, there's not any chance that I can, uh--
Punter!
WOMAN: Fuck off, Frank!
Dex. Dexy.
Dexy, mate.
Look, I know it's been five years,
and I know we didn't leave things on the best terms, but--
DEX: Fuck off, Frank.
[men shouting in the distance]
[gentle music]
[alarm blaring]
[dogs barking]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd laughing]
[gentle music]
Where's you go last night?
Kipped at a mate's.
You used to be a better liar.
You used to be six.
Why don't you just swallow your pride and come home?
I'll have a word with Mandy, but you'd have to apologize first.
It's me that needs the apology.
And not just from her.
Beware of Greeks bearing lager.
Come on.
Don't be daft.
Oh, sorry for being cranky.
Didn't sleep very well last night, on account
of the knife in me back.
Why don't you just come home, say you're sorry,
and we'll work it out.
Debs, have you ever heard of injustice?
Have you ever heard of "The Big Issue"?
Don't you worry. I can look after me self.
Liam?
LIAM: I can't find me goggles.
Well, if you kept your stuff tidy, you could find 'em.
LIAM: Mum, have you see me goggles?
No, love.
Listen I'm really, really sorry, but would you mind
if I didn't come today only?
I'm feeling a bit run down.
But they're giving out prizes,
Well, Carl will go with you.
Mum, I'm going into town.
MONICA: Oh.
All right, I'll drop him off.
Listen, love.
Just do your best, and tell me all about it later.
[kissing]
Good luck.
I've seen this before.
The baby taking over.
This is the easy bit.
Wait until they put a cot next to your bed.
Won't it go in with Mum?
You think they'll put a baby in the same room as Dad?
No.
It will be in with us.
Well, you.
'Cause once I get some money, I'm out of here.
I'll tell you something.
Yep, Mum will make you chuck out half your stuff
before the baby comes.
You don't know what women are like with babies.
They're mental.
'Cause you're the youngest, Mum'll
make you feed it, bath it, take it out for a walk,
even change it's nappies.
I'll tell you, mate.
You're going to be a slave for the next few years.
[suspenseful music]
[baby crying]
[truck beeping]
[knocking]
Breakfast.
Any sign yet?
No, nothing yet.
What?
Just wondering how you ever manage to pull.
Skin tight top works every time.
Hey, we should go out together on the pull, as a team like.
Pull anywhere, me.
I've got perfect, um, oh, what do you call it?
Gay-spotting vision thing.
Like, watch this.
Right, well, he's not.
He's not.
He's definitely not.
[gentle music]
He's not.
PADDY: He's not coming.
We can't sell them baking soda again.
People are getting wise.
Should have sent our Shane.
Do you think Pongo would do better than Coco?
Jesus.
How did my golden bollocks empty out those two fucking jokers?
Don't look at me.
It's not all nature.
There's a bit of nurture, too.
That both of us.
I don't think I'm to blame for Shane falling
for some scabby crack whore.
And now, he wants to bring her to dinner, for Christ's sake.
You've got to remember, you're a lot to live up to.
They really want to please you, show you they're up to snuff.
Think about that.
Cut them a bit of slack, eh.
Will you think about what I said, look out for the boys?
If Micky's fucked us up, I will personally
kneecap the little gobshite.
[gentle music]
[cow mooing]
Oh, bloody hell, Micky.
What?
I've got chapped bacon.
Nice.
[suspenseful music]
MICKY: There he is!
[upbeat music]
Oi!
Where's me bag? - I lost it.
I left it on a bus.
Don't lie to me, asshole!
All right, all right, all right, all right!
I flogged it.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Where's the money?
I spent it.
On these.
Where's the rest?
Well, what do you mean?
Those don't cost 20 fucking grand.
Twenty grand?
The lying bastards!
They gave me a hundred quid!
You little dick!
I'll break both your arms!
MAN: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
One minute.
Who'd you sell it to?
Eddie Rouse's youngest lads.
Where can we find them?
I don't know.
Break his arms. MAN: Honestly.
All right, all right!
25 Edmund Road.
Oh, come on.
What are you doing?
Oh, come on!
KELLY: Oh, say yes.
Oh, god.
I'm gonna come.
[moaning]
I love you.
What did you just say?
I don't know.
I love it, or something.
Pass us me fags.
All right.
I though you said--
Fags.
- Kelly, you know tomorrow? - Mm?
Instead of one hour?
KELLY: Mm.
Can I make it two or three for Sunday lunch?
It'll cost you.
Should we say a shelf and a wardrobe?
Deal.
[laughter]
Look at the state of you.
Some fucking protest.
I bet Gandhi wasn't covered in bird shit.
[somber music]
Stick at it, kid.
You're right.
They're wrong.
Just keep your dignity.
[record scratching]
Frank, you're barred.
What?
MAN: How many times do I have to tell you?
FRANK: Hands off me, you--
[mumbles]
Oh, come on.
[laughter]
BOY: Do you want a chip?
Yeah, go on, then.
[spits]
[laughter]
Oi!
Grandad.
Do you want a drink?
Piss off and grow some pubes.
BOY: I'm serious.
I'll show you where you can get some.
For free.
Yeah?
Yeah.
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
Fucking off these lads.
[knocking at door]
What?
Me mate wants a word.
We're looking for a blue bag with some stuff in it.
Have you got it?
If you've got 30 grand.
30 grand?
Are you taking the piss?
Yeah, that it. We're telling Paddy.
He can take it from here.
We're not telling him anything.
Wait.
Me dad's got some money stashed in his bedroom.
We can sneak in.
Are you mental?
Just tell your dad you've been robbed by these blokes.
We're not telling me dad!
This is the first time he's let me do the pick up,
and I'm not going to let him down.
You already have.
[micky groans]
Get a grip!
You think I'm stupid!
Everybody does!
You, me dad, everyone!
Well, piss off!
Just piss off!
[phone ringing]
Oh, god.
[tv blaring]
Knock, knock.
How was swimming?
I got third place.
Aw, never mind.
Listen, I know mummy's been a bit tired lately,
but that's 'cause mummy's body's going through lots of changes.
But it'll all be worth it 'cause soon,
we'll have a lovely new baby in the house.
Won't that be exciting?
Feeding, walks, nappy changes, they'll be
lots of things to do every day.
'Cause it's not just me having this baby, you know.
It's you, too.
[upbeat music]
[snoring]
There you go, free booze.
Ha, ha.
Very funny.
Hey, I'll give you five if you swat him.
FRANK: Fuck off.
Bring back National Service.
Hey, mate.
I'll give you five if you bat this bloke.
Fuck off.
BOY: Oh, my god.
Look at that.
Look at him.
Fuck him up.
Go on!
Looks like the shaggy one.
Hit him!
Smacked him.
BOY: You getting all this?
You getting it all?
[laughter]
Go on.
- Come on.
You started it.
Fucking hit him!
All right.
Granddad.
10 or 5, bro?
The shoe. - Go on.
Go on.
School's out, I'm off.
What a faggot.
Oh.
Oh God.
Unless you's want to see some happy kneecapping I'd get gone,
right now!
[police sirens]
[barking]
Thanks.
I didn't do it for you.
It's bad for business having little shites
like that on your turf.
Talking of which, have you seen Micky?
No Yeah.
Yeah, I've seen him.
Where?
Well, maybe a ten would help me remember.
All right! All right!
I have-- I haven't seen him.
I haven't seen him.
Jesus, Frank.
Look at the state of you.
Go home.
Take a bath.
You stink.
I'm making a stand.
Making a stand.
[music]
Can I help you, love?
I'm waiting for me dad.
Oh.
Well, he's-- He won't be in today.
Why not?
He's bad, love.
Sorry.
Hey, should we get you some crisps?
What flavor do you want?
[laughter]
[beeping]
PADDY: This is a real fucking mess.
MIMI: Who are you going to go to?
PADDY: Bad case.
MIMI: Thought he was Inside.
PADDY: Yeah well, it was all right last month.
Don't trust him.
Well, beggars can't be choosers, darling.
MIMI: We're not going to make on this.
PADDY: I'd rather lose money than customers.
I mean, fucking Mickey.
Where did we go wrong with him, eh?
He's unreliable.
He's got shite for brains, and he
hangs around in that pink puss palace like a little girl.
And before you say anything, I am trying
to be a more supportive father, but it's pretty fucking
difficult at the moment.
MIMI: Maybe there's something I can do?
To help you unwind, get things in perspective.
[unzipping]
PADDY: (clears throat) Good evening, officer.
[sucking]
[dog barking]
[truck revving]
[truck driving away]
[music]
[barking]
[knocking]
MICKY: Can I come in? - I'm busy.
So.
Did you get the money then?
Don't ask.
So, what's your plan?
I don't know.
I think I need you to help.
Are you trying to twat me?
They need someone to piss off, and now I'm
supposed to help you.
Don't you think you better say something first?
I'm unreliable.
I've got shit for brains.
I hide away, like a little girl at the slightest
sign of trouble.
I drive around in a puff's palace and I'm no kind of man.
I was just looking for a sorry.
Come on, mate. Do you want a brew?
[moaning]
Where's the rest?
A couple of the girls got thrush.
Pulls their punters right off.
Maybe you can get your Shane to pay his tab?
Shane's got a tab?
Three grand. [slap offscreen]
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh. Yes.
[slap]
You, out.
Now.
What are you doing with my son?
He's a punter.
A punter with a rich daddy who could pay off his debts.
What?
No.
Listen, I've run a thousand contracts,
so don't kid a kidder.
What are you on about?
This meet the parents Sunday lunch bullocks tomorrow.
Shane's not exactly the brightest tool in the box,
but he can still do better than you.
A hooker with a smack addiction.
Not exactly a catch, are you?
So here's what's going to happen,
you're going to take this and fuck off,
or so help me I will end you.
Looks like there's no one in.
Have you found it yet?
No.
Come on.
Got it.
Shit.
Come here, you bastards!
Shit!
Ian!
Wait!
Ah!
[shouting]
Micky!
I'm going to fucking kill you!
Micky!
Ah!
Uh.
Ah.
Ah!
Woohoo hoohoo!
[gasping]
I can't believe you just did that.
Neither can I.
Thanks, man.
Seriously.
Listen, I'm not going home.
You all right to work for me?
If you run off, you'll just be proving your dad right.
I've already proved him right.
Why do you think he don't let me in on the business?
Because of fuck-ups like this.
Look what you've done in the past 24 hours.
Intimidation, breaking and entering,
risking your life for a bag of drugs.
You're a proper Maguire.
Stand up to your dad.
I can't.
I just can't.
Micky.
I'm sorry.
Micky.
Where have you been?
I've been staying at a mate's.
Big luxury flat in key.
Massive telly, surround sound, B-day.
The works.
Can I stay there, too?
You?
What for?
I've run away.
Mm.
Right.
Well, I don't think there's enough room for both of us.
So you should probably be getting back home
I'm not going home.
Liam you're seven.
Eight and a half and I'm not going back.
All right.
Chill your boots.
So what's your plan, then?
I've got a tent.
Don't know how to put it on, though.
Well look, you know, I suppose I could hang around for a bit,
help you put it up.
Do you know how?
I'm an adventurer, Liam.
Before you lot was born, I was sleeping under the stars,
catching rabbits in traps, making fires
by rubbing two sticks together.
You can make a fire?
Yeah.
Yeah What-- You know, if I had some dry wood or kindling I
could show you.
Can we buy some?
Yeah.
Come on.
Night, Liam.
Can I have a taste of your lager?
[burp]
LIAM: Have you got any Es?
No Have you?
No.
Can I have some if you did?
Not 'til you're 12, son.
Not 'til you're 12.
Balls.
Better be getting back to me mate's.
You can stop here, if you like.
Um.
Well, suppose he won't miss me for one night, will he?
Huh.
Pie.
[laughing]
I fear we got a problem.
Aw.
DEBBIE: Liam!
Liam!
How could you not notice he weren't in his room.
Are we dark?
No sign of him anywhere.
All right. Well.
I'll check the swings.
You lot watch check his mates' houses,
and we'll meet back in our house in an hour.
Right
Liam!
CELLPHONE VOICEMAIL: You have 16 new messages.
[beep]
PADDY (ON THE PHONE): We need to get cracking, Micky.
Going Hurry up.
[beep]
PADDY (ON THE PHONE): Where the hell are you, Micky?
You'd better get back here in the next 10 minutes--
what the hell?
You little shite!
MIMI (ON THE PHONE): Micky, it's Mom.
Listen, I don't know where you are, but do us a favor
and let us know you're all right.
I'm worried sick here.
We both are.
Love you.
Bye.
LIAM: I'm not going back.
I ran away from home once, about your age.
I wasn't as smart as you, though.
Didn't bring me own tent.
I ended up keeping in the back of the neighbor's Vauxhall
Viva.
Woke up in Norfolk the next morning.
You ever been?
LIAM: No.
Don't bother.
Very flat, Norfolk.
Very backward people.
Probably still using Betamax.
So why did you run away, anyway?
LIAM: I don't want the baby.
Well, that makes two of us.
LIAM: Are you having it then?
Son, when you have them, little
babies, you'll love them, even if they're real mingers.
I mean when Ian was born, he came
out looking like David Gest.
LIAM: Ha.
Really?
Yeah.
God's honest truth.
And if you have a younger brother or sister,
well that's a bonus isn't it?
Why?
Well, because you'll always have someone to batter around
when you're annoyed and someone who's pocket money
you can make.
But, Carl said we'll have to look after it and stuff.
Look after it?
What?
With all them women about?
Apart from your mom and Debbie, there's loads of them.
You want to see how women behave when there's babies around.
You won't have to do a bloody thing.
Neither of us will.
But it will be in me room.
Nah, not for years yet.
I'll tell you who will be in your room, though; me.
You ever try kipping next to a baby?
Noisy little bastards.
Meh!
Ah, you bitch.
Haha.
Take more than you, limp dick.
Hahahahaha.
VIDEO GAME: You lose.
[ding ding]
Ah.
Look who's here.
It's the return of the prodigal twat.
I've got something to say.
I need you to listen.
Ah well, you're always worth listening to, Son.
I mean, that's part of your charm.
Just shut it will you?
Shut it and listen to me.
I know you think I'm a twat but, I worked my ass
off the last two days, risked me life, seen
things no one should ever see.
[moaning]
I'm trying.
I do me best, and sometimes best ain't good enough.
I've lost your fucking coke.
I haven't sold it.
I wasn't robbed.
I fucking lost it.
I made a mistake.
I know what you have to do.
I'm making it easy.
I'm going for good.
I won't embarrass you any more.
I'm off.
You lose my coke and think you can walk away?
Wait.
Do I scare you that much?
You're our boy, our baby.
Blood is-- thicker than a bag of fucking chemicals, Son.
Even if they are worth it.
(SIGHS) This is family, Micky.
You don't walk away from it.
You can't.
And even if you ever do, it will still be there waiting for when
you decide to come back.
There's nothing you can do to stop you being our son.
That's your dad's way of saying we love you.
Steady on there, Mimi.
Don't go spoiling the boy.
But--
I've lost your money.
Obviously you will have to pay me back.
But we'll work out a payment plan.
If you stay.
Good.
Now, piss off and let me thrash your mother at Blade Killer
Seven or whatever it's called.
Unless there's anything else you wish to get off your chest?
LIAM: Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
[laughter]
[ding ding] VIDEO GAME: Round two.
Fight.
Die, bitch.
Shane?
You're ready then?
I'm not coming.
A mate of mine's opening a place in Malaga.
She's offered me some work.
How long for?
When you coming back?
There's nothing to keep me here.
What about last few weeks?
Been playing you.
You what?
I was getting you into debt so I could
sting your dad for the money.
You said you loved me.
I say that to everyone.
It's me job.
Probably for the best, love.
Your mother's right.
Would never have worked.
Wouldn't have been able to kiss her without thinking about what
she choked on at work.
Paddy, give him a break.
Bloody starving, mate.
Where's Kelly?
Fuck off!
Will you just fuck off!
Fuck right off!
For what we are about to receive,
may the Lord make us truly thankful.
Amen.
She dumped him.
Yes.
Fucking hell.
How'd you get thumped off her prozzi?
Right.
We'll have no more talk about workers in the sex industry.
We need to have a happy--
[sobbing]
--family Sunday.
Got that?
[sobbing]
I'm going out for another look.
Just wait until you've eaten, and then we'll all go.
Brought something for you.
Oh.
Thank you, Lord!
We can't have the little lad roaming the streets, can we?
How did you find him?
Just need to know where to look.
That's all.
Nice one, Dad.
Let's take this off.
You all right?
Yeah.
Well, I best be off.
Only came to bring Liam back.
Do you want a brew?
There's one going spare.
Don't know.
Depends on what you've all got to say to me first.
Fine I accept your apology.
Please, any chance of a bite to eat, or what?
IAN (VOICEOVER): Don't know if I ever want to be a dad.
I mean, some people say it's the best thing they've ever done.
Make their life complete and all that.
Maybe it did, or maybe they just got really boring lives.
Haha.
What?
IAN (VOICEOVER): There's one thing
I do know about being a parent, never raise
your hand to your children--
What
IAN (VOICEOVER): --you leave your bullocks unprotected.
IAN: Drive.
[music]
PADDY (OFFSCREEN): Come on, you little--
MIMI (OFFSCREEN): Like you.
Get in there.
Come on.
Hahaha.
Get them off.
[unzipping]
[laughter]
MIMI (OFFSCREEN): Wooo! PADDY (OFFSCREEN): Week.
Week. Week.
[flute plays]
[filmrise music]