Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked.
Piss off.
What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing
money or wives in your face.
Because this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly
invented, to calm us all down, to stop us going mental.
These are chaps with the state.
basic essentials we are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
Are not as good as your parents success
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Scatter!
You might be beyond the help of beauty sleep, Frank,
but I'm not.
Hey, inner beauty is the measure of the man.
I earned this face.
Ooh, pecky, pecky.
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I?
Is it not monstrous that this player here, but in fiction,
in a dream of passion, could force
his soul so to his own conceit.
They would drown the stage with tears
and cleave the general ear with horrid speech.
[knocking]
MAN: Fuck off.
[slurred, unintelligible speech]
MAN: Fuck off, Frank.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Make mad the guilty and appall the free.
Confound the ignorant and amaze indeed the very faculties
of eyes and ears.
Yet, am I, Vernon Francis Gallagher,
a rogue and peasant slave?
Did I say nothing my cause.
What was my cause?
What nature of man have I been?
Ah!
Fucking Shakespeare.
What a cunt.
Come on.
Read it.
In the government of which country did Canana Banana
serve in the 1970s and '80s?
Banana?
It's not a real name. False.
It's not a true or false question.
All right, true then.
You need to name the country.
I'm not bothered, Debbie.
Ian.
I'm going to turn it down.
We're playing a game.
What's the answer, Liam?
Zim, Zim.
Zimbabwe.
Your turn, Carl.
[dice roll]
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
I'm in the center!
Can I read it?
No.
After which Italian explorer is the USA named?
- It's Amerigo Vespucci. - Shut up.
Oh.
Didn't they teach you that at Uni?
How you doing?
America Amerigo Vespucci.
Hello, mate.
High five. - Amerigo Vespucci.
He told you.
Game abandoned.
How did you get here?
Hitched.
Took me fucking eight hours.
Do you want a cuppa, prodigal son, or something stronger?
I'd love one.
Spots have cleared up.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
Hello, baby.
That's not fair.
Missed you too.
I've never won before.
Shut up.
Twinkle, twinkle.
Mama.
Wave.
Wave to Mummy.
Mama.
Clever girl.
When did she learn that?
Few weeks ago.
Feel like I'm missing out on everything.
Don't be daft.
Can't be in two places at once, can you?
Besides, she's a total Daddy's girl.
[knocking]
What?
You're not union, are you, you lazy student ligger.
It's hardly a lay-in, is it?
I thought you wanted to pick up a shift.
- I do. - 10 minutes.
Nice one.
This is brilliant.
How much it costs in sharps.
A lot more than what I pay for it.
If you're going to have a wank, at least lock the door.
Weren't wanking.
You're sick.
I'm not wanking.
Out of the way.
I weren't wanking.
I were--
What?
I were praying.
At least make it believable.
I was.
I haven't had my end away since Meena.
I've got bollocks like footballs.
You think Jesus is going to help
me get some girl on her back thinking of England?
I don't want to think of England.
I know what you want.
And praying isn't going to get it you.
How not?
See you for lunch.
Come on, we'll be late.
Quite the little Anthea Turner these days, aren't you?
Not letting Granny get under our skin today, are we, Katie?
You tell her, not today, Granny.
I'm too young to be called Granny.
Say Monica.
Monica.
Why won't God help me?
Mainly because he doesn't exist.
No blaspheming in front of the children, Debbie.
I'm an atheist.
People have miracles.
I saw it in a documentary.
A bloke were crippled, got dipped in a Grotty,
and then he could walk again.
In a Grotty?
Maybe an agnostic.
Haven't decided yet.
Religion is all just superstition left over
from when we lived in caves.
I mean, we didn't know how the sun rises in the morning
and the crops grow in the summer.
It's just a way of explaining things
that we don't comprehend.
[crack]
[moan]
That has been blocked for two months.
Four times you've done that. - It's early.
I forgot.
And there's no fucking milk. - Come on.
Cleverer people than you believe in God, Debbie.
Where did you read that?
He are OK?
It's not my fault we live in a celebrity obsessed culture.
[coughing]
Is everything all right?
Oh.
No everything is not all right.
I just woke up with this sheet on me head.
And I know for a fact I did not join the fucking Ku Klux Klan.
Your breath was causing all the patients to feel nauseous.
Oh?
Distracting them from the MRSA, was it?
Keep your voice down, please.
Waking the dead, are we?
[coughing]
Hello.
Anybody home?
You see a bright light, walk towards it.
Oh, God.
More than I can do.
Jesus.
Oh.
Looks like a black pudding.
I don't think so.
I don't fucking shit me.
What's all?
What's what is, what does NFA mean?
Notify family afterwards.
After what?
We did some tests when you were under.
Right.
You're suffering from aortic stenosis.
When it's at home, love.
There's an obstruction to your aortic valve, not enough
blood getting to your heart.
So, what is it, like it's a pill or something to.
No pill, Mr, uh.
Gallagher, Frank Gallagher.
No operation.
This is a terminal diagnosis.
Truth is, if you make it to the weekend,
it'll be a minor miracle.
The weekend.
Fucking hell, you're having a--
come on, let's go.
Don't you dare die!
I'm alive!
Pathetic, that--
Dad!
He's just pissed.
He's not breathing.
I'm dying.
Pack it in.
I can't concentrate.
Nearly finished.
I'm just--
Not you, him.
Hey relax, I was just fixing a pipe when I saw an opening.
This is a place of work.
Hey, we're just trying to keep our record up.
What record?
They've had a shag at least once every day
since they've been married.
It's like a chain letter, you break the sequence
and you're jinxed.
Nice one.
Pint and four Es.
Not open for another 10 minutes.
Oh, not today, oh, Lord.
Not today.
Do not abuse the minuscule authority that you possess.
Not today. - OK.
Keep your hair on.
Oh.
Thank you.
What's wrong with you, Dad?
My mortality is weighing heavily, son.
Like an albatross around me legs.
Don't give him any more Es.
I'm sorry.
Third time you've been late this week.
It's me nieces. They keep me up all hours.
I don't give a shit what your excuse is.
I'm not paying for a cleaner who's never here.
You're not the fucking boss of me.
I'm not Hoovering it tomorrow.
What do you mean?
You're not paying for the cleaner.
Who do you think is running the gaff since Carol fucked
off with two months takings?
So muggins here has been left holding the shit bucket.
Sorry I asked.
Now, where were we.
Sorry, I've lost me erection.
Ian, Hoover doesn't go here.
[moan]
Fucking, what do you want, you creepy little twat?
Who are you?
I'm Frank Gallagher.
Don't you recognize me?
All right, Frank.
He can't see me.
Only you can.
Cause you're dying.
You got a guilty conscience.
Can you see him?
Who?
Him.
Fucking refugee from the Partridge Family.
Fucking walking advertisement for abstinence you are, Frank.
Guilty conscience about what?
You what?
About wasting your life.
You're pissing on your shoes.
Oh, I can't feel a fucking thing.
Oh.
Oh, I'm looking for Phil.
Wrong house.
Phil Gallagher.
No.
I am not interested.
I've got enough on me mind as it is
without being stalked by the Ghost
of Christmas Fucking Past.
What are you wearing?
Looks a sofa cover.
You're counting, aren't you?
What?
If you can make it to the end of the week,
you're counting how much beer and how
many pills you'll be able to get down your neck before you die.
Well, what else am I supposed to do.
I'm facing the fucking celestial firing squad here.
You expect me to get on me knees.
Excuse me, God, now I'm going to pop me clogs, if you wouldn't
mind wiping the slate clean.
I got some dignity, you know.
Life's a precious gift.
Most people try and do something with it.
What have you done?
Hey, I have done plenty.
I could have done things, been someone, instead of which,
I became you.
What's the point of you?
What are you doing here?
You told me you were an orphan.
Who's this?
This is Alex, Phil's girlfriend from Uni.
Who's Phil?
Shit.
Fuck.
You with him?
Look, I've got a right to the truth.
I've come all the way from Brighton.
Was he expecting you?
Well, no.
I've got a domestic situation and I needed
some support from my boyfriend.
Upstairs.
She's a nutter.
I saw her once, twice at most.
Three months, she says.
Since the fourth day of freshers week.
What?
Think she stood there in silence while you run out
to find your backbone, do you?
What other lies have you told?
Did you use condoms?
Yeah.
She's not pregnant, is she?
She told me she went on the pill.
If she is up the duff, she hasn't mentioned it.
My concern is more diseases.
Since you shagged me last night and you've clearly been ridding
bareback with her.
Jesus Christ, it is not rocket science.
I know, I'm sorry.
Four simple rules.
Always use condoms.
Never get involved.
Neither of us finds out what the one might be shagging
and it never impacts on our home.
It were Your idea.
I need to talk to Phil.
You'll get your turn.
Fuck off.
The whole point of an open relationship
is to protect what we've got.
Not completely.
Forget about it.
I know.
I made a mistake.
Fucking right you did.
And you're gonna sort it.
Last thing.
I want it noted that you've never found out about mine.
Lilian.
Hello, love.
I thought I'd pop round.
Look, I'm sorry if I flew off the handle a bit earlier.
Anyone's apologizing, it's me.
Don't any sleep.
I'm like a bear with a sore ass.
What are you doing?
I'm catching up on some domestics.
It's like a Chinese laundry in here with the girls.
- Thanks, Victor, love. - See you next week.
All right.
These girls aren't really your nieces, are they, Lilian?
Not by blood.
But they like to call me auntie.
They're under problems, bless them.
Living on the street as such, D-R-U-G-S.
But I'm looking after them now.
Ta-ra, Mike.
Right.
This can't be right.
It's Lilian's house.
We've got a nosy neighbor keeping a log
and taking photographs.
There have been 17 men in 24 hours.
Who'd have thought it?
Madam Sin.
It's a competitive market these days,
with the Eastern European girls offering more for less.
- We'll have to raid her. - No.
We've got no choice.
Don't see how we have to shift.
It's our house.
Because they need privacy to talk.
And the bedroom probably isn't the most
appropriate venue, considering.
You now, Monica.
I thought you might need a mature head.
If you know any, be sure and let us know.
Frank, I think you should hear this.
No, no, no.
It's all just tomorrow's chip paper.
I better go and see what's bothering your dad.
I thought your dad died in Bosnia.
Frank, what are you looking for?
Wedding photograph.
There. There, see.
Wedding day.
I was there.
I made an impact on that day, didn't I?
But you are unconscious in that one,
so we had to prop you up.
See.
Fiona.
Birth of me first born.
That has to count, doesn't it?
Mm.
Except you're not in that one because you
disappeared to wet the baby's head for four days.
Oh, fucking hell.
Mon, Mon, I need you to tell me have I been a good man,
made a contribution?
Course you have, love.
Well how?
Show me evidence.
What's brought all this on?
I'm dying, Mon.
I took a piss on the generator and me cock got burned.
And I went to hospital and they said I've
got stenography of the heart.
All right.
Calm down.
I can't.
Tell me all about it.
We have an open relationship.
He can see other people and so can I. Cardinal rule
is, you don't get involved.
So I was just a fling, was I?
What happened to going traveling together and do
you believe in soulmates.
Is no one in this fucking world who they appear to be?
I was woken up at 5:30 this morning by the police,
arresting my mum and dad.
They've been running a timeshare scam in Turkey.
Have you what it's like to have criminals for parents?
Thought at least you were there for me.
She said I'll be lucky to make it beyond the weekend.
Don't be silly.
You're just confused.
You had a lot to drink last night, that's all.
No, Mon.
My head has never been clearer.
And I need to know, what is my legacy?
Well, I suppose you could say, um--
Well, go on.
Jesus, Frank, it's not easy.
You're an alcoholic.
You've never put a penny in the family pot.
You have as much chance of being elected
prime minister as naming any of your eight
children's birthdays.
Well, thank you very fucking much for your support.
Oh, Frank, don't spit the dummy out.
Nobody looks to you for achievements.
You're not an achievement kind of a bloke.
So who made heaven and Earth then?
Well for a start, there is no heaven.
And the Earth started with the Big Bang.
So after we die, smart.
Nothing.
You just die.
Remember, man, thou art dust, and into dust thou
shalt return.
Dad, tell her.
Sure there is a god.
What?
God.
Does he, she, or it exist?
Carl wants to know if divine intervention
can help him get his hand away.
Right.
In the dark of night, every atheist half believes, Debs.
So if I come back to haunt you, you'll know for sure.
What kind of answer is that?
Knew nothing about you or the little girl.
As far as I was aware he was an orphan.
He brought himself up from the age of 14.
It was a white lie that got out of hand.
Wasn't meant to go this far.
What wasn't, the lie or our relationship?
Both.
You're stretching it a bit to call it a relationship.
No No, no, no, no, no.
Don't stop on my account.
It's like being a prisoner in your own home.
[sigh]
Seems you've got a choice to make.
Oh, well. I'll help.
Because I can't kick the dust of this
place off my shoes quick enough.
I'm having a brew.
I'm really sorry.
[crack]
What's your happiest memory of me?
What are you on, Dad?
What are you lurking for?
Just tell me.
Daughter to father.
Best birthday party.
Favorite day out.
I never had a birthday party.
And you're always wasted on days--
well, there was that time when--
Yeah, go on.
When we went to court, seeing you being bound over.
I wanted to be a lawyer for ages after that.
And that's it?
Well, I could make something up if you want.
Et tu, Debbie? Et tu.
You et two what?
Dad?
All right?
Did I hurt you?
No.
Yeah, stings like fuck.
So does my wrist.
What's your plan?
Haven't got one.
Look, I'm really sorry about--
I don't care about the stupid lies
you told about your family.
I just need to know one thing.
Stuff you said when it was just you and me, the pillow talk,
did you mean it? - Of course I did.
Then, I don't understand.
Neither do I. Sort it out when I get back to Nottingham, yeah?
No, Phil, that's not good enough.
I have to go to work.
What?
I've got a shift at the pub.
I can't just not go.
I'll see you at Uni.
Nobody would give a good account of you.
If anything, you've had a negative impact.
Nya, nya, nya, nya negative impact.
What are you doing?
Looking for evidence.
Evidence of what?
Of why you're here.
Why are you haunting me like Casper the fucking less
than friendly previous self.
You know why.
No, I do not.
So I've contributed slightly less than Einstein
and slightly more than Fred West to the human condition.
So what?
Who the fuck are you to criticize?
See?
Was hardly a little angel, was I?
Already well acquainted with Lady Palm
and her five fucking sisters.
So what?
Never said I was an angel.
Then what do you want?
What else happened when you were 12?
I don't know.
Malcolm Allison became city manager.
Rodney Marsh shagged a model.
I don't know.
Closer to home?
I don't know.
Well, he canceled me birthday because mum died.
You promised you'd make her proud.
But how could I make her proud with him as me old man?
You'll see her soon enough.
Tell yourself about the man you became.
That is, if you make it up there.
What, heaven?
Confession's good for the soul,
especially if the day of judgment is fast approaching.
But I can't go to chapel, I'm barred.
Who needs a priest?
With a soul as black as yours, you better get started.
And remember, God sees everything, Frank.
Hello, Dennis?
Listen, you remember that party when somebody put the chip pan
on and the house burned down?
Anyhow, it was me.
Hello, is that Emma?
Hi, it's Frank Gallagher here.
It was me.
Remember that party when you shagged
that builder and your little fellow
cottoned on and turfed you out?
Rickets?
Hi, it's Frank Gallagher here. It was me.
Yes, I know I'm a cunt.
I just thought you should know.
Hello, Dennis, Frank again.
I forgot to say--
Who were you talking to?
No, nobody.
It was the wrong number.
Oh, look at you.
You're all sweaty.
I haven't got time for this, Mon.
Isn't that Lip's?
Yeah, well, he'll get it back soon.
Frank.
I probably didn't tell you enough, Monica, but I love you.
Hey.
So where is this pub your brother's working at?
Just over there.
So are you going to buy me a drink then?
I'll give you the money.
Come on, Mrs. McGuire.
I am claiming my conjugal rights.
I'm busy. Oh, come on.
Doesn't have to be Dr Zhivago or anything.
Quickie will do.
That's tempting.
Meet you upstairs in five.
They're having a fucking laugh.
Karen.
Can we have a word?
Are you mental?
Open relationships are never equal.
What was the alternative?
Him tripping over himself trying to remember
which lie he's told?
When he goes back to Uni, if it's not this one,
it'll be somebody else.
We're holding him back.
I just hope you've been getting
some to even out the score.
Fucking annoying thing is, I love him, Karen.
By the time you view this, I will be dead.
I've lived a full life or perhaps a fool's life.
I'll let history be the judge.
I leave you the proud father of six, the proud father of eight.
So, Lip, you were a gobby little shite,
always had too much to say for yourself.
So you should know that I've had a little piss
in every bottle of pop you've left in the fridge since 1997.
Ian.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Speaking.
He's not here at the moment.
Between the ages of three and four,
I regularly really Ian a couple of downers
so he would shut the fuck up.
I dropped Carl on his head when he was a baby.
And then they fucking haul you in for indecent exposure.
I still don't see what's indecent about it.
Because if they all had Alzheimer's,
how would they know anything different?
Listen, if there's nothing wrong with you,
you better fucking tell--
Finally, something I've always guarded with my life.
Where you going?
I need - to find your dad.
That's it.
The end.
How did I wind up here?
You're always going to wind up here.
Christ, I've never been before.
He wouldn't let me go to her funeral.
I know.
Which one is it?
You'll find it.
(SINGING) Heaven must be missing an angel.
Missing one angel child cause you're here with me right now.
And remember, folks, all proceeds go to cancer research.
Wish you had it, you tosser.
Fancy a shag?
Have you been crying?
Have I, fuck.
Who was it, Mandy?
What?
The bloke you shagged.
Somebody in here? It's only fair.
You know about mine.
You're such a prick.
All right, Mandy.
Hi.
Maybe it was him.
He's fit.
Built like a donkey by all accounts.
Fuck you.
The blokes were the criminals.
Girls on the game, they've got no choice.
The men, scum.
I wonder why they call it the game.
I should know. I've been there.
Somebody paid you for sex?
It's all about self-esteem.
The girls need a helping hand, not prosecution.
Somebody paid you for sex?
I'm sorry.
Do you think that's entirely appropriate?
Oh get off your high horse.
Some of the fondest memories I have of her
is her with a nail in her hand.
I think she would have approved.
Need to find an envelope for this.
(SINGING) Sue, just one look and my heart went boom.
Suddenly, we were on the moon.
Two Es.
There you go, Frank.
I'll get those.
Darling, I've been looking for you everywhere.
The hospital phoned and I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I'm so sorry.
[sobbing]
You can't leave me, Frank.
I don't know what I'll do without you.
For fuck's sake, get it over with.
Well, uh, if you're sure.
Go.
What's up with her now?
We'll find a way.
Where's my bag?
What are you talking about?
My bag, it was, it was right there.
How could anyone have nicked it.
It must weighed a ton.
You left your bag by the door.
Take it easy.
It's only stuff.
I don't think this is a good idea.
No.
Listen.
I've had the shittiest day of my life.
It doesn't matter.
What's important is this.
I don't care what lies you told, OK?
I love you.
It's past time you left.
No.
I want you to hear this.
I want Phil to come back with me.
He doesn't belong here.
Phil.
I'm staying here.
You don't have to decide now.
Thought I should be up front.
Very noble.
We need to be friends.
If this works out, I could be partly responsible for bringing
up your daughter.
Ah!
Mandy!
She bit my ear.
Do what you want with him, you fucking bitch.
Don't you dare bring my daughter into this.
Oh!
[sounds of a brawl]
[laughing]
Go away now, you little bastard.
Go on, blow yourself.
What's more alive than this?
Gallaghers fighting for the family honor.
This is my legacy.
You've got your hands on me tits.
Hello?
Fight!
[birds chirping]
Oh.
Fucking hell.
Oh.
Got no shadow.
It's cause you're dead.
You've got no physical form.
What?
You died last night.
But, I feel normal.
So do I. Don't mean I'm real.
Oh, God.
So, what happens now?
How do I know if it's the pearly gates or eternal damnation?
How should I know?
I haven't died yet.
I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Who's that?
Big Dennis.
Hello, Dennis.
Torchy, we called him after the fire.
Thank fuck he can't see me.
[smack]
Ah!
[smacks]
You said I had no physical form.
What do I know?
Who the fuck are you talking to?
Ah!
Fuck!
Told you.
There is a god.
Is that it?
Don't be silly.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You're exploiting women.
They'd be on the streets otherwise.
What's this?
It's for running the cards through.
Yvonne sold it me wi' carbon, 100 quid.
I'm rubbish with cash.
It's all chip and pin these days, Lilian.
Banks don't use this any more.
So you haven't made one penny profit.
Which also means she hasn't committed a crime.
What?
What about the other evidence?
What about the neighbor's photos, the log?
Without any proof to back it up, it's just hearsay.
[feminine laughter]
Result being, though, you lot having made no money.
How are you feeling?
Don't know.
Mandy, listen.
I'm so sorry.
I lost sight.
Uni is full of kids with no worries,
free to do whatever they want.
And I forgot what's important.
You and Kay are what's important.
We'll knock the open relationship on the head.
I'm going to quit Uni and catch up.
Stay here.
You fuck.
You'll go back.
I'm not having you use me as an excuse for failing.
You know I love you, don't you?
Of course I do.
Good.
Because that's how I finished.
No, Mandy.
I couldn't give a toss about Alex.
I know that.
But that's not the point.
If it's not her, it would be somebody else.
No, it won't. I promise.
It will, Lip.
I know for a fact.
You could have slept with 20 girls over that three months.
But you didn't.
You stopped with one.
I was stupid.
Just listen to me.
It's not about jealousy or blame.
It's about what you want.
And in your fantasy, there is no me.
And there's no Katie.
That's not true.
How many people at Uni know you've got a daughter?
Your life's out there now.
Alex was right.
You don't belong here anymore.
Go back to Uni till Easter.
You can visit Katie then.
She'll always be your daughter.
You need to go.
Mandy, please, don't.
Mandy, please.
Mandy.
Fuck's sake.
Hi ya, Mon.
Have you any idea about the worry that you have put
me through these last 24 hours?
You get to go.
You?
What about me?
Death sentence followed by an unprovoked and savage assault.
Well, I hope it's knocked some sense into you.
Just-- the doctor said?
There is nothing wrong with your heart.
They've been running tests all morning.
It's not-- but they phoned you.
My mistake.
They weren't calling about your dicky ticker.
They were calling about your dicky cock.
Cooling cream to stop you little man from going all scabby.
Hey, aortic fucking stenosis.
My heart is stronger than Popeye in a spinach factory.
What medical school did you go to?
You are going to have a malpractice
suit so far up your--
I'm not a doctor.
I never said I was.
What?
I came to see if you were all right and you just assumed.
That's bollocks.
What about notifying family afterwards?
As far as I know, NFA means no fixed abode.
You were in such a state when you came in,
they could hardly get a name out of you, let alone an address.
So what's your fucking game?
Hanging about hospitals, trying to scare the living
shit out of everybody.
Waking the dead.
If you see a bright light, walk towards it.
That was my husband you were heckling.
Why should I have shown you any courtesy?
Well, there's a difference between courtesy
and telling a body they're going to die.
I was tending to my husband when you woke up.
So what's wrong with him?
He has aortic stenosis.
So he's dying.
Hey, mate.
Hey, I know exactly what you're going through.
I tell you, there's fuck all to worry about.
Yeah.
So what if a I never peaked.
I was here.
I've lived.
Am I a rogue and peasant slave, a muddy-mettled rascal?
Who gives a shit?
What did fucking Shakespeare know?
He never even wrote most of them plays.
So what if I'm not an astronaut or prime minister
or a football player.
I am Vernon Francis Gallagher.
I came, I saw, I drank the fucking lot.
[theme music]
And finally, something I've always guarded with my life,
and I hope won't sully your memory of me.
Monica, at your 21st birthday party,
when you were passed out on the coats, I shagged your mother.
God rest her soul.
I was wasted, but she wasn't, dirty cow.
Anyhow, the upshot is, you that surprise late baby that
your mom and dad never planned?
You know, your little sister?
Well, technically, she's also your stepdaughter.
The End.