[music playing]
FRANK GALLAGHER: Now nobody's saying
the Chatsworth estate is the Garden of Eden.
But it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher and me
kids, who I'm proud of, because every single one of them
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they have me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, with why nobody calls him
Phillip anymore, Ian, a lot like his mom,
which was handy for the others when
she disappeared in a thin air.
And Carl, dad let him grow his oppotunities and run
and makes it standard and it make him look like Sawyer.
Two, the nits love it.
Debbie, sent by God, so little angel.
She'll shake your chain, but she'll go miles out of the way
to do you a favor, plus little Liam, who's
going to be a star someday.
Monica, the wife.
She's back with her [inaudible].
And we can't get a shot of her.
And the Neighbors, the neighbors,
well, what can you say?
You don't know nothing if you don't want your arms breaking.
Still, nobody's perfect, but all of them, to a man,
know first and foremost one of the most
vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party.
Scat off.
[background conversation]
Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock.
When I'm not looking for it, I'm looking at it.
I'm thinking about it.
Women reckon we're in control of it,
blame blokes when they land straight hard-ons,
like we know what it's going to do.
Liam.
For goodness sake.
IAN (VOICEOVER): My mate's cat was settling for a sleep on me
the other day.
I was like the Hilton fucking Tower.
And I don't want sex with a cat.
I don't.
[moaning]
Oh, Mandy!
I've just been sacked.
Ian!
It says they can't ought afford to pay me anymore.
I heard the chip shop were looking.
It's not the best time to disgust this.
I mean, it's a shit job.
Well, they can't just sack me like it means nothing.
Oh, right, this is about Kash.
No.
You're not still shagging him, are you?
Speaking of which.
And he did it by fucking letter.
Your family.
It's like a zoo in here!
You can't do this to me.
Look, Ian, if there was any other way.
This is me you're talking to.
You said whatever happened between us,
you'd still always want me working here.
Look, this isn't about us.
And-- and I don't know what I said previously.
This is about now.
Business.
Kash, you're talking to me.
It's just business, OK?
Business.
My arse it is.
Oi!
What the fuck are you doing?
You trashed my bike!
They're gonna kill me!
If they catch me.
What have you done?
I'm not really into trust games, but help us?
Why?
Because you're here, and you've got a kind face.
And if you don't, I'm gonna get shot with shite.
Look, I don't know.
Fuck the kind face, then!
Save us for a wedge.
Kash is at mosque or council while his beautiful wife
sits at home, doing her nails.
When do I have time for fucking nails?
Personally, I'm not a fan of beauty treatments.
I like natural.
Murad, stop looking at me arse!
When were the last time he did a full day in this shop?
Never.
'Cause he has too much fun at his council-- all right, Kash.
How's it going?
Try to shag my wife again, Murad, you can fuck off.
Ian's not turned up, so I'm left to do everything.
Unless you're gonna stay and help me, that is.
Sorry, busy.
Big day with the council.
Another thing, red reminder.
You've not even paid the phone bill.
I'll sort it. I said I'll sort it.
Kash!
When you get angry, your lip curls.
It's kind of sexy.
Do as the man says and fuck off!
No!
MAN (ON PHONE): Mimi?
Hello?
Mimi?
Mimi, love?
Jesus Christ!
Gave me the fright of my life.
Kenny-- dead.
What, your brother, Kenny?
30,000 volts at his birthday BBQ.
Yeah, well, you hated Kenny.
You threatened to have him shot if he didn't go to Australia.
Bad things happen in threes, Patrick!
Who's next?
What's next?
Nobody's next.
I'm cursed.
Now, come on.
Don't give me all that shit from your grandmother.
I told Fergal, me son, not to come, and he's murdered.
And I-- I told Kenny, me brother, to stop sending
me begging letters, he dies.
I tell our baby, Katie, to stop crying, she might--
oh my God.
Now, come on, you didn't mean that.
Now, come on, Kate. Come on.
Now, you've gotta speak to me.
You've gotta speak to me.
Come on, say something!
You see my bike?
Yeah, it's on the car, but it's wrecked.
What the fuck?
You had to pick the bin stinking of fish-heads,
didn't you?
Right, who's following you?
People People from work.
- And what's in the bag? - Stuff!
Now, will you fuck off, Colombo?
Hey!
Are these your clothes?
- Put 'em back. - How much?
What?
A T-shirt.
Uh, 20, 30?
Look, right, just get sorted and get out of here.
Shit!
Why, why, why, why, Shane?
How many times do I have to tell you, huh?
Next time I should shove them up your arse.
They'd be safer.
What have you done now, Einstein?
Einstein? Einstein?
Am I gray?
Have I got a bolt sticking out of me head?
No, Shane.
You have nothing sticking out of your head!
Tell you're not being chased by the fucking Maguires.
- You know 'em? - They live next door.
You can't stay here. They'll kill us both.
Why?
The last place anyone looks is under their nose.
No way.
I paid for a room.
I'm staying.
Fine.
Keep your money.
It'd take far more than a few quids
to keep Paddy off my back.
Fine.
How much do you want?
There's 10 grand worth of scratch cards in here.
Fucking hell.
Come on, just a word.
Well, if not a word, then a smile, huh?
Come on, you know how beautiful you look when you smile.
Bad things happen in threes, she said.
Fergal, Kenny, Chuckles.
What happened to it?
Well, I think he must have swallowed summat.
Come on, Chuckles.
Din-din time.
Tragedy.
She told me to clean out the cage,
otherwise she'd flush it down the toilet.
And now it's dead.
Third thing.
Well, at least I'm trying summat.
I've been skimming off Shane for months.
Well, what would you do, if you were left in a lock-up with 10
grand of scratchies inside?
Leave 'em where they are.
Because Paddy Maguire will break both your legs.
You know that.
Well, once I've cashed 'em, he ain't gonna
see me for dusty anyways.
It'll take you weeks to get through those.
No, two days are all I've got.
These were on the way to Glasgow when Shane nicked 'em.
And when they don't turn up Monday morning,
they'll be made void, and the bar codes won't scan.
So you've only got two days to scratch 'em and cash 'em?
70/30 split.
Yeah, you see, I know what Paddy's really like.
So--
60/40.
60/40 and a blowjob.
50/50.
Fine.
Missed out, you.
Anna Sampson's blowjobs are the best in Manchester,
and it's not just me saying that.
If you're staying, you're up in the attic,
and you don't fucking come down.
We should get to work.
The Chatsworth Estate is in trouble.
But the trouble is not crime.
It's health.
A recent government survey showed Chatsworth to be
a UK heart attack hotspot.
My Brendan was fat.
He had a heart attack written all over him.
It was crime did him.
Shot.
Mind you, he were carrying a bag of chips at the time.
This 250,000 pounds, which I have
personally secured from the council,
marks a major investment for us.
On Monday, work will begin on the first Chatsworth
Cooperative Health Center.
And to kick it all off this weekend,
the Chatsworth Fun Run.
Get over it.
It's not a real check!
You're late.
The bike wouldn't start.
Sorry.
Not looking good for the first week, is it?
Fast, hot, and extra cheese.
You'd do well to remember that.
Right.
You know, I love biking nights like this.
Wind in your hair and that.
Under your helmet, obviously.
Not like I've gotten hair, but--
Yeah, bullshit!
A fun run?
Yes, Frank, a fun run.
Running isn't fun.
It's just an excuse for wankers in vests to show us how
expensive their trainers are.
It's 500 quid if you win.
500 quid, is it?
I should enter.
Save you having to wear out the tread in those new trainers.
Fuck off.
I always wear trainers.
Digging, now there's a fucking challenge.
A fun dig, that's be the correct sort of competition.
Might get a few useful things done around here.
You know, public works, dig for victory,
Victorians in the sewers.
You know, all that.
But will they sort that out? Will they?
Bollocks.
Because the working man would win at digging, wouldn't he?
This "running makes you healthy,"
I have never heard so much bollocks in all my life.
Running man? Fuck him.
Big legs and no fucking arms.
Fucking Gallaghers!
Fuck's sake, can we slow it down a bit?
Another tenner.
I ain't had this much fun in ages.
Yeah, 'cause you're a freak.
[creaking]
Need a word.
What time is it?
Never you mind.
My wife has a beautiful voice, but she won't speak.
Why?
Because she lost a son, and it's sending her mad.
So it's time to get her a new one.
What do you want?
Fertility tips? - Don't be fucking cocky!
You're gonna marry our daughter, join our family.
What?
Welcome to the Maguires, son.
Right?
I'll leave you be.
Is there no room in this house you keep fucking clean?
You know the Maguires would happily tax us up, then beat
the living shit out of house?
Oh, live a little.
People pay a fortune for the kick of extreme sports.
And we've invented a new one.
Pure adrenaline rush-- nicking off the local psycho,
sleep only a few meters away.
Yeah, you've definitely lost it.
About bloody time!
I'm not paying for these. They're cold.
Sod off!
I've gotta pay for 'em if you don't!
Wanker's cramp?
Fuck off.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit, look at this!
Five grand.
Five fucking grand.
I've just won five fucking grand!
Woo!
Shit, that's mental!
No, what are you doing?
That was a winner!
For prizes above 75 pound, you must provide proof of identity
and also fill in the claim form.
You fill your name in the back of this,
and you're going to fucking jail.
Do not pass go do.
Not collect five grand.
75 is the maximum for us.
Don't look so upset.
I'll let you rip the next one.
You notice we kissed?
Yeah.
Uh--
You got someone else?
No.
Don't you fancy me, then?
No, it--
Only this says different.
What's the matter?
My life's shit.
Change it, then.
It's your responsibility.
What, says girl on run from mob?
Least I know I'm alive.
Yeah, for now.
I've got to get away.
That's sort of obvious.
I'm going to Birmingham.
Good choice.
I've got mates.
Mate.
Chance of a job.
Come with us.
New start and all that crap.
And that'd be a good thing?
Don't know yet.
It's got to be better than this, though?
What do you know about my life?
Fuck all.
And I was talking about this shitty estate.
Come on.
Let's get scratching.
I always say that after sex!
PADDY (VOICEOVER): Welcome to the Maguires, son.
[bridal march plays]
The Maguires, son.
[bridal march plays]
The Maguires, son.
[bridal march plays]
Fuck!
What's with you?
Nothing.
You've got toothpaste round your gob.
Don't rub it off.
Looks kind of sweet.
Fuck, we fell asleep.
Yeah.
How many have we done?
Enough so we'll still be scratching around Wednesday.
- Shit. - Don't worry.
I've got an idea.
Debbie.
Debbie!
We need your help.
Right, we want 50s and highers here.
10 and unders here.
Anything in between there.
And all the duds in the bin bag.
We need to make a list of all newsagents
within a five mile radius.
I'll do a dry run, check these cash at all.
I'll do it.
Give me one for 50 quid.
All the 50s are here.
Give me that.
You're supposed to be out the front, shouting "fresh fruit,"
not sitting here.
I told you I couldn't shout.
All this healthy eating's well and good,
but it won't sort out my strep throat.
Do you want some bananas, mate?
They're Egyptian.
No, ta.
Extra iron content.
Healthy Chatsworth.
Thank you.
And no one told me about this tomato being a fruit, neither.
Or I'd have asked for extra, if I'd have known.
Well, if it isn't The invisible man.
Look, I don't wanna talk about it I. Just want this cashed.
Like fuck you don't want to talk about it.
Two hours late.
You didn't even bother coming in yesterday.
You just sacked me.
Since when?
"Financial pressures have forced us
into a situation where we cannot maintain
our current staffing level."
I didn't write this.
Well, it sounds like you.
I don't know anything about it.
Well, Kash knows.
Well, clearly there's been a mistake.
It's simple.
He can't bear to have me around anymore.
Ian, I think you must have misunderstood.
No, I haven't.
He's a bastard!
Tell him to fuck his job!
Ian, you work for me.
This is my shop.
What you working on, Liam?
A castle.
Where'd you get this cards from?
Oh, fuck.
Get off me!
- What have you done? - Lip, you've got to stop her.
- You know, Lip? - Know what?
Thousands of scratch cards stolen
off my dad by your family.
Fucking Anne Frank here living in your loft.
You knew, didn't you? - No.
You bastard.
I knew nothing!
Good.
Then the rest of you better watch out.
Stop her, she's hurting me!
Lip, you don't understand.
Is this you?
They were wankers to her.
She's not gonna rip 'em off for fun.
Mandy, stop!
What's your dad gonna do if he finds out about this?
This is my family you're ripping off!
Yeah, me and Katie are not your family too?
Your dad gets hold Ian, he'll rip his bollocks off.
Who do you think will be next in line?
You go around there and create trouble,
and that's gonna cause one heap of shit for us.
Lip gets a cut, same as any of you.
Sure.
Thanks.
I'm on time.
I know I am.
Back from a run.
Just resting me muscles.
Stiff joints.
You'll have to let me give you a massage some time.
Keep your cock in your pants, Callum Best.
Getting your filthy hands all over me.
Yeah, well, don't overdo it, will you.
I'm fine.
I was going out again, actually.
Well, great.
Maybe you and I should run together.
36 p.
What?
36 p.
Ian's still not shown his face.
Could be anywhere, considering you've sacked him.
See, he's thinking that you've done
it 'cause you're bored of him.
What I'm wondering is, when every bill's coming in red,
why you're not paying 'em.
Look, I had to cut some overheads.
That's all.
You know, we need to talk to the bank,
take out a temporary loan on the shop.
On my shop?
It's only temporary!
Three months, tops.
Hey, as soon as the health center gets started,
there'll be kickbacks.
You know, plenty enough to pay it off.
We're talking about 15 grand max.
15 grand?
What the fuck have you spent all that money on?
Look, you know what I do.
It's important I project a good image of meself.
You know, I've got travel for council business.
Meeting and getting to know me constituents.
No, it's not cheap.
Made an appointment to see the bank manager tomorrow.
No, not the shop.
If we're gonna borrow, we'll borrow on the house.
I've already done that.
This is to save the house.
Hey, please, Yvonne, hey?
I really need you to do this for me.
Last time.
You can fuck right off.
I changed my religion for you.
I looked after your kids.
I looked after your mum.
I even looked the other way when you fucked me fucking staff.
And now you want my shop?
The only thing I've ever had that were mine?
You're not having anything ever again.
It's over, Kash!
You're leaving me?
d No, I'm not.
You're leaving me.
You fixed it yet?
Very funny.
You're gonna have to hurry up.
I need it this afternoon.
Fuck off.
I'm supposed to be using it for work,
in case you hadn't noticed.
Hello there, Philip.
- Hey. - The name's is Patrick.
Don't wear it out.
But you can't call me "dad" just yet either.
Allow me.
in there?
Come here.
Just wanted to give you this.
Bit of a family heirloom.
LIP: That's very kind, Paddy.
SHANE: Dad.
I kept that diamond up my--
the only place where the screws wouldn't look for three months
inside Strangeways.
Ooh!
It's very treasured.
But as I've only one daughter, I want her to have it.
Thanks, Paddy.
Dad.
Will you shut up, Shane?
That's the bike.
Where are they?
You know who you're dealing with, boy?
Answer me!
Come on!
Where are they? - Fuck.
What?
Get your head down.
Stay down now.
Or what?
Now, both you and I know you were on that bike,
so you can do this the easy way or you can do it the hard way!
I've you've done something bad, Carl,
you've got to own up to it.
Mum, I don't know what he's talking about.
- It were me! - Ian!
I crashed it.
Right.
You fucked my bike up?
- No, Carl! - Where is she?
I don't know. She were too quick for me.
I couldn't keep up with her.
Wrong answer.
I'm not lying.
Actually, she fucked my bike.
It's not your bike.
It's not even mine. It's the pizza bike!
Shut it!
Carl, shut up!
Answer me.
Seriously, Paddy.
She damaged my stuff, so if you find her,
I wouldn't mind a word.
Let's search the house, Dad.
Now way.
This is our property!
What Yeah, well, it was out property that went
missing in the first place.
He's telling you the truth, Dad.
- You stay out of this. - I live here.
Don't you think I'd notice if they were nicking off you?
He's telling the truth.
You'd better be.
Come on, Shane.
We're out of here.
Shane!
Thanks, babe.
Don't you ever make me do anything like that again, OK?
Get in.
Thanks.
For what?
For standing up to Paddy.
I thought that you'd give me up.
In your place, I might have.
Took some guts.
I didn't really think about it.
Could have got your head kicked in.
Sorry.
Oh, I didn't think of that.
Shit, you reckon it's too late to put in a phone call?
Tell Paddy you're here?
This is a lot of money.
And I wouldn't ask, it's just, my dad
spends all the social on scratchies,
and maybe it was stupid of me, but when
I found out he finally won, I promised my brother
I'd buy him sausages.
It's not often we can afford meat at our house.
[sniffing]
Where to next?
Try Rusholme.
There's loads you can hit around there.
How's it going?
It's fine.
Is Mandy?
Yeah, she's fine.
Right.
What are you looking like that for?
There's some lucky buggers around here.
20, 40.
"And I've let everyone down.
I can no longer--"
A few things got blown in the canal,
but we think we got everything.
It could be a while before the body shows up.
And you know, sometimes it never does.
Even then, you might not recognize--
[sobbing]
What's going on?
It's Kash.
He's taken his own life.
There was a note.
Fucking coward.
He's left me with loads of debt.
Well, we'll leave you to it, Yvonne, OK?
OK.
Come to on the station later, and we'll
have your forms to sign.
Thank you.
I don't believe this.
Tragic, isn't it?
"I can no longer face the embarrassment--"
Shame.
On The family aree never gonna believe this.
You know that, Yvonne.
The shit you've left behind, Kash,
they're gonna wanna believe it.
They'll take me right into the Muslim bosom,
because I'm keeping 'em--
family, kids, and the faith, and the shop.
You better hurry, if you're gonna
make that 3:15 at Sheffield.
He has fucked with us once too often.
We've got the money.
Are you still up for Birmingham?
Look, I'm not a bastard.
I was sort of assuming that.
Not like-- well, I'm not--
I'm gay.
I'm sorry.
I should've told you.
Brew?
I'm gay.
Is that it?
Do you want me to go into a fit or summat?
I fuck blokes.
You're the only woman I've ever slept with.
I-- I'm--
Gay.
So what?
I've had it off with girls.
Why put yourself in a box?
We made each other come.
No one died.
I knew you were a virgin.
No, you didn't.
How?
I'm not sure.
What did I do wrong?
Could've turned it up a couple of notches.
I'll show you mine again.
G-A-Y.
So you S-A-Y. I know you fancy me.
Try it again.
Why cut things out?
There's a world of possibilities,
especially in Birmingham, so I hear.
Don't try and bum me, though.
The Maguires might hear me screams.
Kenny touched many lives in many different ways.
And it's so nice to have people whose
lives he touched with us today.
By webcam from Chatsworth, England,
we welcome Kenny's sister Mimi and family.
And here, in Rafferty's Creek, the two Petes, Bruce, Little
Jo, and of course, Richie.
In fact, they were all with Kenny at his birthday BBQ.
I just don't see why I've got to wear this monkey suit.
That suit did me for four trials, 15 funerals,
and a wedding as a boy.
You look a fine young man in it, son.
Doesn't he, Mimi?
It's too tight.
It doesn't even fit me properly.
You'd better be working underpants.
So any of you that have a few words to say about Kenny,
say 'em now.
Why don't you say a few words, love?
MINISTER: (ON COMPUTER): Any friends?
We could put a phone call in.
MINISTER (ON COMPUTER): Any acquaintance?
Anyone from Chatsworth?
Anyone at all?
PADDY: I'm sure they'd like something.
No takers.
In sure and certain hope--
How long are you gonna keep this up?
Because I'm not sure I can take this much longer.
MINISTER (ON COMPUTER): Our brother Kenny, and we
commit his body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes.
And lo, as the child slept, there came three kings
from the East bearing gifts.
[music playing]
[chattering]
Lovely, firm buttocks.
He'll do anything I ask.
Close one eye, could be David Beckham.
Keep the change, pet.
She's taking me to Grand Canary at the end of the month.
Oh yeah. - Yeah.
Who's paying for that, then?
357 hits I had, but I chose you, didn't I, Bradford?
Lucky man.
She spoils me.
Travel agent's this afternoon?
Well, maybe.
I find it really hard to think money matters through,
because I have migraine, you see.
But if we lie down together, we could discuss it.
Right you are.
I want what she's having.
A pint and two E's, Karen, please.
Money first, Frank.
Ah.
Job done.
That's a scratch card, Frank.
Correction, that is a winning scratch card.
20 quid.
Oh, fuck off, Frank.
It's legal tender.
So go and cash it, come back, and I'll serve you.
Oh, fucking Pol Pot behind the bar.
(SINGING): Do I see you--
ugh!
Where'd you get the scratch card, Frank?
Ugh.
Oh, you dirty bastard!
Not the face!
Where did you get the fucking scratch card?
Liam!
I-- well, I wasn't gonna, you know, steal it off--
I'm not gonna steal it off little Liam, am I now?
Just, you can have it back.
Look, Paddy, I wanna do it, OK?
I just need time to do it right.
There's a slightly more pressing
matter needs discussion first.
That's a whole lap of the estate
you've fallen behind now.
[panting]
You all right?
Pervert!
You've pulled a hamstring.
I'll be fine.
I just need to run it off.
[scream]
Let me go.
Let me go!
Oh, you don't half kick up a fuss, you.
Let me go right now, or I'll grab you in the bollocks!
Ow!
You're injured!
This is the last time, bozo.
Let me go right now!
Fine.
Frank here tells me there's a pile
of scratch cards in your house.
Bollocks.
What are you on about?
Liam, you know, scratch cards.
Scratch cards.
You know, it may only have just been the one.
You said there were fucking loads of--
Shut up, the pair of yous!
Does Mandy know?
Of course she does.
So you lied to my daughter as well as me?
Now, let's get this straight.
I don't give a shit about these missing scratch cards.
That's Shane's worry, not mine.
This is about the lack of respect you're showing me,
your family.
I want the girl.
Your brother will be fine, but you bring her to me.
Understand?
Yeah.
Right.
- Shall I leave you to it? - Stay there.
Sit down.
Paddy knows you're here!
What? Shit!
Fucking hell Didn't know you had it in you.
Piss off!
You have to go that way.
Yeah, but the Maguires live that way.
Yeah, I know, but they're all waiting in the yard.
I can buy you five minutes by holding 'em off,
but you're gonna have to get out of here.
I'll sort some transport out.
Come on.
- Get the bag! - I will do.
Go on.
Do you know what?
I didn't like that job, anyway.
Woo!
Birmingham, here we come!
Too late, Paddy.
She's gone.
To think I wanted you in my family.
Let me at him, Dad.
Think he deserves his pound of flesh, don't you?
Don't you touch him!
Your boyfriend has been keeping one
or two things secret from you.
No, he hasn't.
Well, that's another fucking lie he's been telling me!
I knew all about it.
Shane's a bully, so people steal from him!
It's his own fault!
You hit Lip, and you're hitting me,
and I'll never speak to you again.
Really?
You can forget me, and forget Katie.
I'll be dead to you.
Do you understand?
No!
Stop!
That's the third bad thing!
You spoke.
She spoke.
She said she'd be dead to us.
I thought you couldn't fucking speak.
I've broken the curse.
I've saved Mandy.
You heard what she said.
Don't touch him.
[laughing]
Oh, my darling.
As if I'd do anything to hurt you, my cherry, my love.
No, pressure, Ian, but there's psychos
coming to jump on my head.
I don't know what to do.
I can see how we fit.
We do.
But I can't imagine a future.
This-- this isn't real.
It can be!
You know when a bloke goes past and you check out his ass?
So do I.
I don't care.
You do.
You will!
I don't wanna go on my own.
Well--
Things happen around me.
You'll never get bored.
Don't go for a man who prefers men.
It's really fucking demeaning.
You should have someone who worships you.
"Worships?"
That is gay.
Someone who wants you, then.
You want me.
Not enough.
No?
No
Doesn't like we've got the balls, does it?
Or the heart.
That's the clincher.
Yeah.
FRANK: What, Liam get some, and I get nothing?
DEBBIE: Yeah, Liam did some of the scratching.
Did anybody order pizza?
Nobody ordered pizza.
This is a social call, isn't it, Carl?
Where's the fucking bike?
Shit!
You liked it, but you're still a bender?
Yeah, but are you?
Well, yeah, of course I am.
It's not like I've got a choice.
You liked it, didn't you?
Yeah.
What's that?
Maguire family heirloom.
Geez, where'd you find that?
Paddy gave it us.
Wanted me to give it to Mandy.
Fuck.
You gonna?
Don't know.
I thought I would.
But now I don't have to, I'm not sure.
So did you go down on her, Mr. Pussy-hound?
What's that got to do with anything?
Well, did you?
No.
Yes, I knew it!
You can get off, but you can't get on.
You're a total gayer!
Well, that's what I've been saying.
IAN (VOICEOVER): Knowing how ignorant you are
is the first step on the path to wisdom.
I thought the cock was the ruling organ.
Convinced and wrong.
See where that went?
What?
Paddy's ring.
Fuck.
IAN (VOICEOVER): It's the heart calls the shots.
And it's a nut job.
Oh, Christ.
Then there's the brain.
Here's a thought.
All those straight men I've had sex with,
you tell me what that's about.
I have no fucking idea.
[theme music]
You lying bitch!
Mwah.