FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is
the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of.
'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they've got me to thank for.
Quick, leg it!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Lip, who's a bit
of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him "Philip"
anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mum, which is handy for us,
'cause she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl, we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love him.
Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus little Liam.
He's gonna be a star someday.
Wicked!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them to a man know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in life
is, they know how throw a party.
Scatter!
Some days, you know you're on to a loser
before we've even had your first fart.
Others, the gods are smiling and there's
nothing you can't sort out.
I mean, yeah, you know, there's E's in the cornflakes that
might help a bit, but why shouldn't
people rub along together.
You know what I mean?
Doesn't have to be a jam, does it?
Oh, sorry, just finishing off.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): I mean, look at Diana, Charles, and Camilla.
It worked out OK for them, didn't it?
Come here, you.
Come here.
Give us a kiss.
Oh, all right, Frank.
You miss me?
Couldn't find the child benefit book.
All right, shall we-- shall we go to the pub?
Yeah? - All right.
All right.
They're all so grown up now.
Hardly recognized 'em.
Yeah, well, it's been hard for me.
Responsibility for all of 'em on me own.
It's kind of weighed heavily.
Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank, to lighten your load.
Monica.
Sheila.
[screaming]
You all right, right, You remember Monica, don't you?
She's-- she's come.
You know, she's come to see the kids.
Yes, you told me, Frank.
I brought your cigarettes.
Would you like a drink, Monica?
Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks.
Oh yeah, right.
Yeah, of course I did it.
Because you asked me that about the-- when
she-- yeah, and I said. Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
Right, that'll be two vodka tonics, please, Jez.
Fancy that. Same poison.
And I-- I'll just have a couple of these, Jez.
Do any of youse lot know how this works?
That's disgusting.
What is it?
It's a balloon pump!
Sorry.
Have we not met?
I'm your neighbor.
I want some help blowing these up.
It isn't a fucking request.
You wouldn't be our neighbor, would you?
If you hadn't stolen my daughter's house.
Like you give a shit.
Nearly pulled a muscle trying to scavenge
her gear for your own back.
I'm keeping it for her.
Oh yeah?
And I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Hadn't you two better get a rocket up your ass?
Gotta be there for 1:00.
I didn't know I was coming.
Family, aren't you?
Even if you do think you're better than us.
Our Jamie'll soon sort you out.
Oi, fuck off, you little wankers!
What are you looking at, you perv?
Sign there, love.
See you in a couple of days.
Yeah.
But I need to go.
It's not my problem, Norma.
You can't do this.
There's such a thing as human rights, you know.
I'm entitled to a toilet.
Where's Mon?
She'll let us.
Gone out.
Which is exactly what you should be doing, Norma.
Going home.
Unless you want to pay us rent for sleeping in the Dormobile.
Where's she gone?
She's never up before 11:00.
Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss meself.
Look at you.
Makes a mother so proud.
You look like a stiff in a body bag.
Straighten your face or our Jamie'll
put you in a fucking body bag.
Pack it in, you two.
Micky, reminds me of your first communion.
Right, when he comes out, don't overcrowd him, OK?
What did you make us all fucking come for, then?
Hey, watch your mouth, fucking gobshite!
So he knows we appreciate him and what he's done for us.
And how much we love him.
Where is he, then?
I haven't fed me snake yet.
Jesus Christ, would you--
Can't we just ask somebody?
So you just left her, then.
Look, I won't say I was wrong to leave me kids,
but I had my reasons.
But I'm back now.
And Norma isn't part of that.
End of story.
How's she taking it?
You have to learn to accept change, don't you?
Whenever it comes.
Right Right.
It's your round now, Monica, ain't it?
What am I like?
Same again?
It's bound to happen, isn't it?
Norma's not exactly, is she?
Can't say I blame her.
It's good.
You know, for the kids, though.
You know, they got their mother back.
So when did I tell you?
You tell me, Frank.
What?
You must have told me sometime, mustn't you?
Because why would you have not?
Oh yeah, right.
Well, yeah.
I was just saying to Frank, it'll
be so lovely to have you back, another pair of hands around.
Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila.
Is it QVC?
Yeah, well, should probably go, Sheila.
You know, got stuff to do-- food, shopping.
No thanks, Frank.
I'd rather stay here for another drink.
Wouldn't you, Monica? - Oh yes.
I'm very happy.
Right.
I must say, you have cleaned up
his act if he's willing to leave the pub before closing time.
Different man, aren't you, Frank?
Mhm.
Hm.
Oh, another one down.
I do admire your restraint, Sheila.
Right.
You let him out, you bastard!
You tell him, Ma.
You let my Jamie out, or I'll have the lot of youse.
They let him out two hours ago.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
This is your fault, Shane.
You fucking wanker.
All I'm saying is, a home-made mayonnaise
could make up egg or prawn.
All it takes is eight minutes' patience.
But no one tries anymore.
They just don't!
Mum, I thought maybe we should--
Good timing.
Another round ready.
4.80.
Knocking 'em back, aren't you?
Just getting to know Sheila.
Keep the change.
SHEILA: --Anymore except me.
And it's wrong.
It's so wrong.
Oh God, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Right, then just slash.
[mumbling]
Pastries.
Just try getting a job, yeah.
Oh, look who it isn't.
Get a good look, did you earlier?
Pervert!
I know who he is, Karen.
He's--
He's who?
Jamie!
I told you it was him.
We came to get you.
Why didn't you phone?
Oh, you've come back, me angel.
You've come back to us!
Ah, son!
It's Jamie Maguire.
He did 10 for murder.
So?
He's still a perv.
Well, he is! - Right.
Come on, then.
Let's get you home.
Party, party, party, huh?
You come too.
Come on.
Oh.
I remember him.
Monica!
Don't be daft, Frank.
I've seen it all before.
Yeah, but that was--
Come on, it's just a bit of fun.
She's nice, your wife.
But I bet you're not as good together as you me were, eh?
Now, don't start.
Don't start.
Do you still want me, Frank?
Oh yes, you do.
Come on, come on with Monica.
Just for a minute.
Just to-- yeah, come on, you dirty bastard.
Get in there.
Fuck.
You know you want to.
What's the matter?
Getting something at home that I can't give you?
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
No, it's-- it's the gents's, love.
You know, that's what it says on the door.
Yeah, you know.
That's what the little man is all about.
Gents pee standing up, don't they?
Oh, officer.
Fucking women, hey, Billy?
Can't fucking shoot them.
Oh dear, what's happened here?
Come on.
Come on, Sheila.
Let's get-- let's get you home.
I got you.
It's all right.
Don't fetch up here.
I got you.
Just-- yeah, see you later.
See you later.
Hey, what won the 3:00 at Haydock?
You know? - Ambleton, mate.
You've lost your money.
[laughter]
PADDY: Welcome home, son.
Cheers!
It's great to have you back, huh?
Soon clean up around this place and show them who's boss.
Jamie Maguire back on the manor!
[pop] Shane, will you stop doing that, you little shite?
Your mother went to a lot of trouble!
So are you gonna tell him, then, or what?
Tell me what?
Ah, well, we've got you a little job, you know.
Help you get back on your feet.
Set you up, like.
But I'm in it as well, aren't I?
- All right, Shane. - It's a kidnapping.
Total no brainer.
Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it.
I'm not interested.
PADDY: Now look what you've done.
Frank?
I want to go on top.
Aw, Monica, no.
[alarm beeping]
- Hello, Norma. - Oh, all right.
Hi.
This has got lots of vitamin C in it.
It's very good for you.
Bitch.
You don't need to do it for me.
Come on. Come on, be quiet.
She might hear.
NORMA: Cat litter!
You what?
As in, little for cats.
Is everyone around here retarded?
I need the fucking toilet!
Norma, hello.
You could use ours.
Oh, thank fuck, somebody normal.
You're gonna have to take your shoes off.
Please don't touch the walls, because I've just cleaned them.
Right, well, away then.
Let's go.
Yeah, see? I didn't need you.
What the fuck is that?
A royal Heffernan.
9/4 favorite Saturday.
Dead fucking cert.
Owner's got a mint riding on it.
They'll soon cough up ransom to get him back, though.
And because you didn't pitch in, now you
don't see any of the winnings.
Yeah, I've got me own plans.
'Course you have.
Chip off the old block, huh?
Well, I'm gonna run him in some other races
while I've got him, aren't I?
Making even more cash.
No one'll even recognize him.
Really?
Yep.
-
Kidnapped a jockey as well, then, have you?
It's like she's some fucking changeling or something.
One minute, it's all "I'll have your stir-fry on the table
when you get back from Stuttgart."
And the next, dust.
She won't even talk to us, the mad bitch.
oh, but I love her.
So what do you think happened, then?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Richard and bastard Judy.
Told her not to watch that crap.
Some Christian wanker banging on about family.
We're the victims in this, Sheila, me and her.
Fucking patriarchal hegemony pissing all over us.
So you don't think she's really back for them, then?
Sheila, she had some past life regression last solstice.
Came back saying the kids weren't even hers.
Belonged to some fucking witch in the 14th century.
But she stood on a ley line, sent
the kids to the wrong womb.
'Course she's not back for them.
But she's still a lesbian, though?
Yeah, 'course she is, you daft bitch.
[fart]
I mean, yeah, we may not have had sex
in the past eight months, like, but you don't
go back and forth, do you?
No sex?
Hang on a minute, Sheila.
I can't do two things at once here.
[farting]
Hey, Sheila, you got any more bog roll?
Sheila?
[screaming]
You penis pervert!
Who is it, then?
Peters and Lee?
It is Kevin and Veronica.
I were gonna say, I didn't know they
put Peters and Lee in prison.
Mind you, "welcome home" weren't much of a song, was it?
Thought "Rainy Days and Mondays" were better.
That weren't Peters and Lee, though.
Do you mind?
My daughter has been incarcerated.
She's not exactly Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol.
Thank you.
She tried to steal a baby.
She was paying for it.
What, with the money that she stole
from everybody around here?
Can't see you getting many fucking takers.
I'm only doing what any mother would do.
I've got to do something, even if it's just widow's mites.
I'll have a T-shirt, Carol.
Out of me pension.
I just thought, now that we're friends
we could go shopping together.
Sorry, Sheil.
I'm too busy here.
I could babysit the twins for you,
though, at yours, if you like.
No, it's just I need to get some new stuff.
And I thought, seeing as we like the same drink,
maybe we've got the same taste in clothes.
I mean, you could give me a second opinion.
We could have a really nice girly day out.
I can do the washing up, Mum.
See this?
Ned Kelly.
Proper Irish hero.
Morning.
Can I help youse officers?
We-- we were just--
A racehorse has been stolen.
And we wanna know if you've seen anything.
Nope, haven't seen anything.
Jamie.
Have you met Jamie, my eldest?
Have you seen anything?
Not so as I recall.
Shane, have you seen a racehorse around these parts?
Not seen shit.
Sorry, can't help you.
We haven't seen anything.
If we do, we'll let you know.
Right, obliged.
And very nice to meet you.
- What are you doing? - Different horse.
Hasn't got white socks.
MAN: Get yourself downtown as soon as you can.
[chatter]
Yeah, see, I just need to know--
There is a queuing system.
So get yourself a ticket, take a seat, yeah?
You're Jamie Maguire, aren't you?
Who'd you kill?
Fuck off, will you?
I've killed a man.
No, you haven't.
I have.
I shot him.
And his head fell off.
Well, good for you.
So you've come to have a pop at me, then, have you?
Come to prove yourself to the hard man.
Well, come on, then.
If you want some.
You want some?
All right.
Yes, what can I get you?
Pint of lager.
And any chance of a job going?
Huh?
A job.
Job?
That's right.
Here?
Well, this is your pub, isn't it?
Right, right.
And how much will you want paying for that?
Whatever the going rate is.
I don't know.
Well, make me an offer, then!
What do you pay for a protection racket?
How the fuck should I know?
How about 80?
A week?
A day?
80 a day?
Mhm.
All right.
Is there a room with the job?
A room?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
That is my room.
Yeah, well, you're fired.
What?
All right, I shagged the delivery guy.
It's not that. It's him.
Next.
[beeping]
Oh Christ.
Right, so all I need, see, is a divorce.
And I was hoping that you could, you know,
tell me which way to do it, if, you know,
you don't want her to know.
Her being?
The wife.
Well, the ex-wife.
You know, soon to be.
Next.
[beeping]
It's difficult, isn't it, as you get older?
I don't know what to wear.
I mean, you want to look sexy, but you
don't want to end up looking like you
charge a fiver for a handjob.
Or is it the same for, I don't know.
You know, lesbians?
I mean, at what age do you stop wearing cargo pants?
Or don't you?
I don't know.
I never have.
I prefer something more feminine.
Oh.
What, like these?
Look.
I mean, you can never have enough lingerie, can you?
Is that what they say?
You can never be too rich or too thin.
Except for that Posh Spice.
She is, isn't she?
And she's dipped in wood stain.
Looks lovely on you.
Let's try some on!
Come on.
So, Monica, what kind of women do you like?
No, let's see stay out here, shall we?
The small ones are a big claustrophobic.
I
Thought you were agoraphobic.
Agoraphobic, claustrophobic.
Anything you like, really.
Illness poker, me.
Raise me one, if you like.
Oh God.
What are you doing, Sheila?
Do you want me to help you, Monica.
I know you want me to help you, don't you?
I've got very big breasts.
I'm all right.
But it's every woman's fantasy, lesbianism!
Enough.
I know it's mine.
Get off me!
We're all bisexual, aren't we?
Are you bisexual, Monica?
Or are you just gay?
[screaming]
It's not my sexuality that's in question!
Did Frank put you up to this?
I just want to know if you want to.
If that's why you've come back.
- Get off! - Monica!
Get off!
Good God, they're on drugs.
Monica.
MONICA: Get off!
[beeping]
Hey, that's enough.
MONICA: Get off, get off!
If you want the horse back alive,
get 20,000 ready in used notes.
MAN (ON PHONE): Who is this?
Fucking knifeman, that's who!
You hear that?
[neighing]
MAN (ON PHONE): OK, OK, calm down.
And if you call the pigs again,
you'll have a head on your pillow
first thing' in the fucking--
for fuck's sake, Jamie!
MAN (ON PHONE): "Jamie?" Jamie, who?
You stupid fucking prick, Shane!
What did you say his name for?
Don't upset your brother, Shane.
You know how he gets when he's hungry.
Well, why don't you fucking make him do
summat, then, instead of hanging around--
Don't bother.
I'm moving out.
So that's what you were after all along, was it?
When you asked me out.
Make a pass at me.
I just--
I just wanted to know if you were still a lesbian.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I know what a hold you used to have over Frank.
I got scared.
I can see why he's with you.
Lovely figure, good cook.
City and Guilds, grade 1.
Don't think I'd even know how to be with a man anymore.
Wouldn't know what to do.
Well, it's like riding a bike.
You never forget.
I don't think I was ever very good in the first place.
Frank and me, well.
Oh, it's easy.
You just give him a blowjob.
He'd do anything for one of us.
Really?
The trick is to hum while you're doing it.
It makes it vibrate more.
Tell you the truth, I found that out
by accident when I was humming the theme
tune to "Ready, Steady, Cook."
Frank went off like a rocket.
"1812 Overture" is the best, though.
Tchaikovsky.
It's all those cannons.
Frank'd do anything for those cannons.
WOMAN: Fucking hell.
I know me rights!
So you never said.
Are you-- are you still a lesbian, then?
-
I've only ever wanted one woman.
That's Norma.
What's the point of you crackpot fucking
Mormon god-freaks, then?
Polygamy was the one fucking good idea you had!
Bunch of Ken dolls.
Hey, and I'm gonna burn me Donny Osmond albums and all!
Right, so-- huh?
What the hell are they doing in here?
Oh, me feet.
I've been around the estate twice for old coppers.
And me.
Think you've got problems.
Oh, do us a favor, Lil, and get me a drink in.
Oh, what's she like?
PADDY: I don't understand.
What the fuck's he playing at?
He's got his reasons.
He'll tell us when he's ready.
All right, you lot.
That's your time, please.
What's going on here now?
Where the fuck you been?
Not till 12:00!
I'm mean, it's just that we can open
later now than-- than before.
It's all right, everybody.
It's just a mistake.
We're open till 12:00!
Oi, sit back down!
So have you got everything you need, have you?
Yeah, good night.
Good night.
Why don't you get him dancing girls and all?
Karen, he's mutilated people.
What do you want me to do?
Grow a spine.
Hey, I'm not having that.
All right, it's your choice.
You can share with me, or you can share with him.
[creaking]
Jamie?
What?
What do you want?
[moaning]
Oh, where the fuck?
So she actually said she wanted to get
back together with Norma?
She might as well have done.
It's-- it's just gone stale.
You can tell.
Norma not making an effort.
Monica frustrated, taking out her anger.
You know what it's like, been together for a while,
first casualty is cunnilingus.
Well, you know.
She wants to go home with Norma.
I know she does.
Bring the Fuzz Away.
We might need it.
Hey, horsey, horsey.
Have you seen an horse? - An horse?
Yes, a fucking horse.
About that big.
You can't miss it.
Forget it.
Royal Heffernan!
Roy!
Jimbo!
Fuck off.
Leg it!
I'm not conforming to this shite, Sheila.
It's just society's scared of real women and our hairy bits.
Wanting us to look like kids.
Yeah, but sometimes, Norma, it's just making the gesture.
That's all it takes.
It's like chili con carne.
If you lose the garnish, all of civilization crumbles.
She's gotta remember you're attractive to other women.
That's all.
Look, it says here lack creates desire and--
Hey, ow.
If that's that Freud pillock, I'm not having it.
Fucking going on about chicks wanting dicks.
Fuck's he on?
It's Jade Goody in Hello.
Yeah, but we all need a boost now and again.
Freshen ourselves up.
- Are you saying I smell? - No.
No, of course not, Norma.
Well, you do a bit.
Anyway, you just have a soak in there for a minute.
I'll get you a glass of dry Italian.
There you go.
Cheers.
And come on.
[humming]
Bloody Nora.
Well, don't look at me.
I didn't put owt in it.
How the fuck do you lose a bleeding horse?
I don't know.
I think someone's nicked it.
It weren't my fault.
Jesus fucking Christ alive!
Here you go.
Fuck do you want?
Well, I thought a round on the house can't hurt, can it?
Cut the fucking shite.
What do you want?
Well, look, the thing is, Mimi, your Jamie and this--
this job is--
I don't know what it is, but please, this pub is my life.
And if the brewery get wind of it, I'm sunk.
I'll give you free drinks for life, whatever.
Ever Just please speak to him.
My Jamie does what he likes, where he likes.
Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad, with whatever job
it is you're doing from here.
We're right behind you.
I'm not running a job.
Not from here, not from anywhere.
I'm going straight.
That's why I took the horse back to its owner.
You fucking what?
Now, has anybody else got a problem with that?
Cock.
You see, Black Forest gateau's got a terrible reputation,
but it's actually a very sensual cake.
Rustic, invented in the 1930s.
Sounds lovely, Sheila.
And Monica loves chocolate.
She told me.
It's one of the things that Norma won't let her have.
Which is very short-sighted of her,
because it's actually aphrodisiac.
You wait till she gets her hands on this.
There'll be no holding her back, the dirty bitch.
Oh, and it's a very evocative name for lesbians.
Unless she waxes.
Come on, let's get this over there.
[moaning]
Oh.
Norma?
You all right, bird?
Dinner is served.
Come on.
You look nice, Norma.
You've even got lipstick on.
Hey, it's-- it's fanny pink.
Debbie gave it me.
It's "fancy pink."
I told you you need glasses.
You told me you loved me.
So what happened, bird?
Can't we sort this out?
Keep the change.
Cheers, mate.
So he's really going straight, then?
Apparently.
Great.
Then I can have me job back.
Oi!
You only got my job because people are too scared of you.
Karen!
So this was--
My job, and now I want it back.
Hang on a minute.
I have some say in this.
It's my pub, and there's been no trouble in here
since he started. - Jez.
So why don't you share it?
Half the week each, and that's me final offer.
You're still a fucking perv.
You what?
You came into Jezzie's room last night,
and you started getting off with me dress.
Was I sleepwalking?
Look, I sleepwalk.
Don't know what you were doing,
but you were bollock naked, and you were groping my dress.
So you saw me?
Of course I did.
Well, how much did you see?
Everything, in detail, close up.
Who's perving now, eh?
Oh, there's no community spirit anymore.
It's every man for himself, isn't it?
I should have known nobody's give anything.
Can I have me pension back, then?
I've given it to a kiddy's charity.
Oh, what are you like?
What's happening?
They're holding hands.
Are you sure?
LIAM: Yeah.
There's the cherry on the top.
Mwah.
Norm, the one thing that you can't give me is what I need--
my babies.
So it's-- it's really them, then?
I've told you.
Well, all right.
Well, if that's what it's about, I'll have a baby for you.
I mean-- I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind.
We'll have to get a donation.
But if that's what it takes, I'm there.
You'd do that for me?
I'd do anything for you.
Please, please, please come back to me!
Oh, Norm.
Do you really love me that much?
Well?
Yeah.
I need the loo.
So what's she said?
She's thinking about it.
I've offered a baby.
A baby?
That's what I've promised, if she'll come back.
But I might have to get someone else to do it, though.
How do two women?
Turkey baster.
Oh, Frank.
I'm so confused.
Norma's offered me a baby.
I don't know what to do.
Well--
I mean, supposing it's all just words
and it all just gets tired again,
and I end up feeling trapped, oh, Frank, I need a hug.
Oh.
[humming 1812 overture]
So you get a turkey baster and you--
Is that singing?
[humming 1812 overture]
I hear anything.
[moaning]
Where's-- where's the fucking remote?
Oh no, it's all right.
You don't have to go.
I'm sorry, Norma.
I can't do it.
It's my babies here I need.
Well, what are you talking about?
I'm not coming back, Norm.
And I'm sorry to you three and all.
You went to so much trouble.
Food was lovely, though.
It's all right. I understand.
Here.
Cheers.
So what are you gonna do now?
Are you gonna go home?
No, she'll come round.
She's just not thinking straight.
She doesn't realize that she can have me as well as you lot.
But she will.
And when she does, I'll be here, waiting.
You can use the inside toilets from now on, if, you want to.
Thanks.
Electricity 40 pound a quarter,
and I'll get you your rent book.
Hey?
You have to find a way of getting shot of her.
Right.
We just have to--
Sheila, will you?
I'm not fighting her anymore, Frank.
She wants her babies, she's entitled to them.
Yeah, but, Sheila--
It's too so exhausting, hate.
Anyway, the best woman's won.
I'm married to you now.
There's nothing she can do about that.
And if you love someone, set them free.
I'm setting you free, Frank.
I'm trusting you.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
There was too much sunlight yesterday.
I'm feeling a bit insidey outsidey.
Thought I'd make these for myself.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Squidgy-gate, Camilla-gate,
Watergate, Gareth Gates.
I mean, what's it all about, eh?
All these private secrets?
And what good does it do, eh, to let 'em out?
All you get's a load of heartache and misery.
And what you don't know can't hurt you.
That's what I say.
Ignorance is bliss.
Plus, it must be true.
I mean, look at George Bush.
Thick as fucking shit, yet he smiles enough, doesn't he?
[theme music]
[heroic music]
[horse galloping]
Yee-haw!