FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody is saying that Chatsworth
Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's
been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher and me kids,
who I'm proud of.
'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they've got me to thank for.
Quick, leg it!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Lip, who's a bit
of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him "Philip"
anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mum, which handy for the others,
'cause she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl.
We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love him.
Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll she go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus, little Liam.
She's gonna be a star someday.
Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from Hell.
Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them to a man know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in life
is, they know how to throw a party!
Scatter!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): The thing about surprises
is, they're better to give than to receive,
like 18th birthday parties.
The fun part's the planning.
You get to make the list, tick things off, delegate jobs,
and be in charge while the other person you're doing it for just
has to pretend they haven't noticed.
Which, of course, they always have.
Debs!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): 'Cause everyone's acting so weird.
See you later.
Come on.
Carl!
Who's put that there?
Who puts a fucking pizza on a seat, like?
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): The real surprise in life, though, you
never get any warning about.
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
What the?
Oh, fucking hell!
[barking]
[coughing]
[whimpering]
Is there a next of kin?
WOMAN: There are two listed here, both wives.
Which one should I call?
Whichever one bloody answers.
So where's me present, then?
You'll have wait till tomorrow,
down the Trafford Centre.
Should I be worried?
You guys, shit!
Dad, Mom, over here.
Happy birthday, Philip!
Here's me baby!
I knew you'd miss me.
Mwah.
Take it, then.
Thanks, Paddy.
You're welcome.
So you're a grown man now, Phillip, huh?
Coming of age.
With that comes responsibility.
A knuckle duster?
Shane, Micky.
Come on, then.
Bring the box.
Fuck you doing?
A little birthday treat.
Our way of saying "welcome to the club."
- No! - Go
- On, give him one. - You're joking.
I'm not hitting some random bloke.
- He owes us money, don't you? - What?
Which means he owes you, Philip.
He what?
Well, I haven't exactly noticed you turning
into Rockefeller lately.
And if you're gonna swan about sponging off me,
then there's some jobs I want done.
Right.
Give it to me.
Eh?
She's my daughter.
I'll support her.
Her and our Mandy.
And I don't need help from you, Paddy.
Fine, not another penny from us.
Let's see how long you last.
A lifetime.
PADDY: Mandy.
I'm with Lip, Dad.
Leave it.
There's more than one way to skin a cunt.
I was just saying, Patrick, hasn't
little Katie got Frank's eyes?
What's going on?
Don't know.
Nothing to see here, just some drunk
who set fire to his dinner.
Is he?
He's our dad.
He'll be fine.
Live another day to waste our time.
Might wanna give him this.
Come on, Liam.
Just through here, Mrs. Gallagher.
We've given him some fluids, pumped his stomach,
and a rabies jab for his dog bites.
Quite a night he's had.
Oi, open the fucking door!
Kev?
Veronica?
There's no answer.
He's still not back, Yvonne.
And there's 12 bottles of milk around there.
Well, where the hell are there?
Booze run don't take this long.
Look, I've told you, I don't know where they are!
All Marty said was they were going abroad,
and that they were sharing the driving.
Well, I lent 'em 200 quid.
And now I found out there were 20 off of Lillian an all.
And 500 off Jess.
Oh, God, if they've done a runner, I'll have to move.
They haven't done a runner, Carol.
Look, if Kev and Veronica were doing a moonlight flip,
they wouldn't take Marty with 'em, would they?
No, see?
So they'll be back by tonight, I think they said.
They promised me.
And they promised me I'd have me money back last week.
Three biggest lies are "big is beautiful,"
"your check's in the post," and "I won't
come in your fucking mouth."
God, women, eh?
All is darkness without you till they
get a ring on their finger.
Then they can't stand by you in your hour of need.
You set fire to your dinner, Frank.
Be thankful she's there the rest of the time.
Oh, how silly of me to think someone cares.
But the fact is, your mother would rather do a lattice
work pastries of Denmark of course
than save me from the flames.
You should be on the stage.
Same again, please, Jess.
All right, love.
You're covered in sick.
Son, you're ugly, but tomorrow I shall be clean.
Oh, happy birthday, Lip.
Oh, thanks, Jess.
So what did you get him then, Frank?
BMW?
What I give my kiddies money can't buy.
That's handy.
Oh, right, '89.
CD from the year you were born.
Shall we put it on?
Yeah, why not?
Cheers, Jess.
God, we nearly lost you in the womb, Phillip.
Yeah, Monica nigh on miscarried when Margaret
fucked you up the arse.
Thatcher fucks us up the arse by getting in
for "an historic third term."
Thank fuck ecstasy turned up.
Happy Mondays indeed.
That's not right, Frank.
She couldn't have been pregnant at election time.
That were '87.
Look, Lillian, love, do you not think--
11th of June, 1987.
That were my Brendon's 40th.
But we had to cancel the party.
We were depressed.
So we went to Brighton instead.
Great big hurricane.
Brendon got hit with a flying beach hut.
Terrible year.
Oh, that's right. 'Cause you were born in '88.
'Cause we registered you the year after.
'Cause Year, we were gonna do it, but--
But?
We ended up in Ladbrokes.
Big win!
[chuckling] Happy days.
Yeah, we went out and got wankered.
I think Monica left you on a bus.
So you're saying I were born in '88?
You having a fucking laugh?
That means I'm 19!
18, 19 whatever.
Whatever?
That's my fucking life.
That means I went to school a year late.
It means I were 18 a year ago.
Happy birthday for last year, then.
Mandy, Mandy!
He's coming, Debbie.
OK, quick then.
Happy birthday, Philip!
Tada!
Sorry about the cake.
Sheila's one got melted in the fire.
Thanks to Dad.
Don't worry about it.
It's great.
Go on, then, make a wish.
Mum.
Happy birthday.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm not gonna Lip's 19th birthday, am I?
Happy birthday, darling.
Well, you missed Fiona's.
You always miss her.
You never even send a card.
Yeah, well, that was the past.
I'm here now.
So happy birthday.
Someone gonna get us a drink?
Yeah, I'll go and get it now.
Thanks.
Uh, Mum, this is Mandy.
Oh, all right, Mandy.
Got him a present, then?
Oh yeah.
I've got you all presents.
This is for Debbie.
And this is for Carl.
Oh yeah, and this is for Liam.
Where's Norma?
Well, I'm not gonna bring Norma, am I?
Well, you usually do.
She's your girlfriend.
We're not joined at the hip, Debbie.
Go on, then.
Open your prezzies.
Here, Mum.
Oh, ta, love.
You can cut the act now, Mum.
Norma's thrown you out, hasn't she?
No.
Oh yeah?
Then why is all your stuff outside?
You've not come back for Lip's birthday at all.
Not just that, no, Debbie.
But Norma hasn't thrown me out.
I've left her.
I've come back to be with my babies for good.
Debbie, we can't kick her out.
It's still technically her house.
Well, she can't just come back whenever she feels like it.
She hasn't even said sorry.
Well, I'm glad she's back.
She'll just take over.
And she won't pay her own way.
Will you just tell her that it's not a hotel?
Come on, Debs.
Look, you're just gonna have to ignore her.
Hopefully, she'll fuck off soon.
I'm not gonna deny Katie her grandma.
I'm sorry.
Wicked!
Fuck, shit!
Oops.
Oh no!
What you doing, Debs?
Oh my God, no!
MAN (ON TV): A Manchester couple that's
been arrested in Romania for trying to buy and orphan baby.
Quick, you lot, come and have a look at this!
Lip!
What is it?
On the telly, look!
MAN (ON TV): Save the dwindling lapwing.
Good evening.
Kevin and Veronica Ball from Manchester
were arrested in Bucharest yesterday
after trying to buy a baby from a Romanian orphanage.
Shit.
Veronica.
MAN (ON TV): Stephanie Williams is
with the foreign office official outside court in Bucharest.
He's awaiting the couple's arrival.
INTERVIEWER: Can you tell us the situation
regarding the English couple this morning?
We at the foreign office are doing everything in our power
to get the two British nationals extradited,
and we believe there's every hope of success.
Is the media right?
Get off me!
Veronica!
Get off me!
Oof. Come on, V.
Cool.
KEV: She didn't mean that!
V!
Hey, we're innocent!
Get off her!
VERONICA: Kev, Kev!
KEV: Get off her!
On the other hand, I think they
could be looking at six years.
He's my son!
We paid good money for him!
Fucking hell, Kev.
Looks like the end of my money, then.
Hey, neither a lender nor borrower be, Jez.
Is there any chance of getting another drink?
Oh my God, I don't believe it.
Me own daughter, a criminal.
Sue, you knew all about this?
They made me promise not to say.
And what's up happened to Marty?
God, what have they done?
And these are your neighbors?
[clattering]
What now?
What the?
What do you think you're doing?
This is my daughter's house.
Bit slow off the mark, aren't you?
You ought to get yourself Sky News.
We heard about this house going at 6:00 this morning.
You what?
Hey, you should be made up.
Council could've had any riffraff in here.
Hey, Paddy.
What?
You can't do this.
This is Kev and Veronica's stuff.
Well, they're in fucking jail, darling.
Look, Paddy, you can't just start taking over the place.
PADDY: Oh yeah?
You tell him, Lip.
And who's gonna stop me, Mr. Tough guy, eh?
I'm Monica, Lip's mum.
'Cause the thing is, when my wee Mandy gets sick and tired
of being cramped in there with you lot,
she's got somewhere else to go.
Handy, Katie's grandparents being right next door,
isn't it?
Blinding bit of luck.
Oh, so that's what all this is about.
You just wanna be here, breathing down our necks.
Watching as you fail.
Looking after our own.
Oh, the leopard coat, where is it?
I haven't thrown that out yet.
Oh, well, it wouldn't fit you, would it?
Oh, well, you can wear it, then, on your face.
Well, you're never out the bog these days.
Yeah, well, they said thyroid can make you go a bit.
Come on, Jeff You're about to pop.
I'm not that thick.
Right, and not a word to anyone, or you're dead meat.
And then how long do you think you can keep that a secret for?
Well, I've managed for seven months.
A couple of tents upstairs.
So you let a bloke--
Did I fuck?
The only thing that got spunk was a huge wad of cash.
They're a nice couple.
They can't have their own.
Earn while I earn.
Good racket, this surrogacy business.
Eh, top tip, free dental care.
Might get me bridge done.
You should start with your brain.
Up two more.
Nearly there.
What are you doing, you soft thing?
Shh! Come on, come on.
Nearly there, nearly.
Forward, forward, forward, forward.
Stop.
[chuckling]
One more step.
There we go.
Tada.
Oh, Paddy.
I don't believe it.
I thought we'd celebrate our new home in style.
You-- you would not keep your clothes on.
Straight on the floor, and then slapping your nappies up
against the wall.
What was I like?
You were no trouble.
No, it was Liam was the difficult one.
Had terrible postnatal depression,
and you dad was no help.
Just took all me pills, left me in total misery.
Debs, hungry.
Well, get Mum to make you some breakfast, then.
It's no problem.
Have to be veggie, though, 'cause I don't touch meat.
I don't mind.
See what we've got.
Morning, Mandy, Lip.
Cup of tea?
Yeah, thanks.
Pass me the sick bucket.
I heard that, Debbie.
Good.
She's right, though, Mum.
We deserve an explanation.
Why are you back?
Look, I know this is gonna take a little bit of time
to work through, and--
[pop]
You've had six years.
And four months.
That Look, this has been very difficult for me,
very traumatic.
It's been torture for me having to leave you lot
and then moving to Moston and rattling around
inside that great big house when I was used
to kids, and mess, and noise.
And anyway, if you love someone, you forgive them.
Don't you?
It's all right, Debbie.
I know it might take you a little bit longer.
Do you want to go shopping?
Hello?
And how is my little princess this morning?
All the better for seeing you.
Now, then, what do you think to a full mirrored ceiling?
Fabulous, as long as you're on top.
Put your tea down.
What the fuck do you want?
You're supposed to be on a job!
Breakfast.
[singing]
Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Couldn't we just kill her, Debbie?
That'd get rid of her.
Yeah, lead pipe, rope, or candlestick?
Keep an eye out.
[singing]
Debbie, what are you doing?
Well, for your information, Debbie, Norma isn't at home.
She's actually driving a lorry to Germany,
and she doesn't have a mobile.
Thinks they make you infertile.
Now, listen, love.
I know you've been a bit funny with me,
but really, we do have to learn to get along.
How did Norma take it, you leaving?
Well, naturally, she was very upset,
but she's had to learn to accept it.
What were you rowing about?
Everything.
She's always going on a--
actually, Debbie, I don't really want to get into it.
It's very painful having to leave somebody.
Just be thankful that you're too young to know.
Right, I better ring a plumber.
Good to see you mad it to Lip's party, then.
Last night.
Mum managed.
Fuck off!
Yeah, for good, apparently.
She's "come home."
Monica back here?
Oh, you can show her your wedding photos, Frank.
'Cause what I've heard off Kev, she'd
be very interested in those, seeing
she's still married to you.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Just get us another pint and a couple of these, Jezzie.
All right.
Hurry up, Lip.
This had better be a quick one before shopping.
Debbie, Debbie, what the fuck does your want?
I don't know, but she's up to summat.
Jez, any chance I can use your CB radio?
JEZ (ON RADIO): Breaker, breaker, this is
Jockey Bird calling Big Beaver.
Do you copy?
Hey, hey, Jockey Bird.
Long time.
Hey, you'll have to speak up.
Me ballet dancer's broken.
Over.
Some buddy boy blow your doors off, did he?
NORMA: Hah hah.
Jez?
Oh, Big Beaver, I've got an ankle-biter that wants a yapper
in your big hole, and--
Norma, it's Debbie.
Hey, no first-personal, breaker.
They're reading my mail here.
Mum's back, and she said she's staying.
Did you throw her out?
Over.
Did I fuck?
She's gone nowhere, you cheeky little.
Hey, you're making this up.
My Mon's at the base station, where I left her.
10-4.
That-- that's a negative, Big Beaver.
Ankle-biter's straight up.
Your good buddy Beaver's returned
to the Village of the Damned and Alligator Radio.
I think she needs you to fight for her, Norma.
I'll put some motion lotion in me pickle park and stand
on the hammer of me triple digit ride
for the fastest ever flip-flop.
Out.
She's coming home.
Hey, what you doing, you cheeky bastard?
What?
Mum, 2:00.
Have you seen your dad?
- Why do you want him? - Don't matter.
It'll keep.
He'll be in soon enough.
We'll just have to wait here, won't we, Katie?
What are you having?
I'll have a juice, pineapple, with vodka in it, thanks.
Double.
Yeah, why not?
Ooh, look at you.
That's nice.
Yeah, but we need to talk.
And what's all this about?
Eh?
Unless you've been to rob the bank,
there's no way we can afford this.
No, you're right.
We can't.
It's always been my fantasy to shag a man in a suit.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Sue, Sue!
Can you fuck off downstairs for an hour?
15 minutes is enough.
Who's he?
Plumber.
Oh, I need some comfort, Sue.
My daughter's in prison.
I'm a broken woman.
You think sharing a room with Tutankhamen
does Deep Throat is making my day?
Why not you stay too?
Ugh!
[chuckling]
Is this where you keep your little stopcock?
Up your arse!
Marty!
Oh, Marty, thank God.
I've got something for you.
Kev set it up on the internet, so we drove over.
But as soon as we handed the money to the orphanage owner,
we got raided.
Shit.
Veronica grabbed the baby and stuffed him in the car with me,
but the cops grabbed 'em.
Veronica was yelling "drive."
Fuck off.
"Fucking drive," so I did.
I drove off and left 'em.
Fucking turncoat!
You would have been nicked if you hadn't.
I didn't know what to do.
I was too scared to drive the car back, so I hitched.
Fuck it!
[crying]
Stolen baby!
Fuck it!
[crying]
When did you last sleep, Marty?
Don't know.
Why won't he stop crying?
I haven't hurt him, have I?
So what are you gonna do?
Are you gonna keep it? - 'Course not.
I want to.
Debbie?
What's going on with all that crying?
It's Katie.
She doesn't like having strangers in the house.
I am not a stranger, Debbie.
And I do not appreciate you putting my kashmir
jumper on a boil wash.
Is that not what it goes on?
-
I don't know how much longer I can put up with this, Debbie.
He stopped crying.
He likes you.
No, he doesn't.
Yeah, he does.
Look.
See?
He wants you to be his mum.
Marty, you're being insane.
All right, Frank?
Monica.
We've got some catching up to do.
Who'd have thought it, eh, Frank?
Little Lip, 19.
You and me, grandparents.
We don't seem old enough, do we?
He's had it easy, though, hasn't he?
I mean, kids these days, they don't know they're born.
When I was Lip's age, I'd done time,
got crabs, knocked up six girls, fought off bailiffs.
Not many kids these days can say that, can they?
Remember when we met, Frank?
1979, ripper year.
They had you in four times.
God, like it was yesterday.
Thought you'd stood me up.
Thought you weren't interested.
Me?
No, of course I was.
Then I proposed to you outside Aytoun dole office.
Thought I was up the duff.
Never thought you'd say yes, but you did.
And we got married.
So have the kids said anything to you about, you know,
Sheila and me?
Sheila?
Yeah.
What sort of thing?
I do!
Never got the divorce through from Monica in the end.
So it's not legal anyway.
Anyway, better go and get the twins and Debbie.
Don't wanna take advantage.
Actually Frank, I think I'll come with you.
I'd like to see where you live probably.
Yeah, but the thing is, Monica,
you know, it's, you know, Sheila, me girlfriend.
She's--
Yeah, but she's away doing a cookery course, isn't she?
Kids told me.
Well, yeah, she just probably wouldn't in-- in effect, but--
Come on.
See--
Sue, please!
We-- we'd be a proper family.
I don't know what that is, Marty.
We don't know anything about looking after a baby.
Well, we could learn.
And then there's the police, social services.
Look, Kev and Veronica bought him.
Someone else would.
You could sell him.
What?
On eBay?
All right, leave him at Maternity.
They'll take care of him.
You've got me number, Pawel.
Ooh, what a man.
Big hands he had.
Did you see?
Ooh, saucy bugger.
Oh my God.
Marty, oh thank the good Lord.
I've been beside meself.
You've no idea what you put me--
tell me you didn't bring that back.
Yeah, I have.
Your grandson.
He's no grandson of mine.
People will think I had foreign blood in me.
You didn't seem to mind last night.
He's from Basingstoke.
Mum, I wanna keep him.
You'll help me, won't you?
Marty Fisher, you can't even keep a job!
She's no better.
I'm not getting involved. - She's right.
I'm sorry, Marty, but for once, me and your mum agree.
Sorry, Billy.
[honking]
Norma!
Someone to see you, Mum!
Norma.
Oh, well, I'll--
What do you think you're doing?
What's all this about, leaving me?
Deb, twins?
Kitchen.
What are you doing here?
Well, Debbie got us on the CB.
Well, obviously confused--
I told you not to interfere!
Hey, well, it's a good job she did.
You've lost your beauty marbles, you have!
Hey.
Hey, is this about that lazy-eyed shelf stacker?
You what?
The one you was flirting with in Iceland.
She was helping me reach the raspberry ripple!
Which is more than you were doing!
I've told you, that crap is full of E numbers.
I don't care.
I wanted it.
I'm not a child, Norma.
I can decide for meself what I want.
All right, all right.
We'll get your fucking raspberry ripple, and all the other shite
you've been banging on about.
Don't blame me when you get polycystic ovaries.
Right, now, get your bag, you daft bint, and hurry home.
I'm not coming home, Norma.
I'm staying with me family.
What?
I meant it.
God's spoken to me.
Sort of, I've had an epiphany.
No, Norma.
Don't listen.
She'll get you whatever you want.
Won't you, Norma?
You can't stay here anyway.
It's too cramped, and we don't want you here.
Oh, that's right.
Hate me all for one fucking mistake!
I'm such a bad mother, aren't I?
Such a bad fucking person!
Hey, it's all right.
Calm down.
How can I, when she hates me, and she runs circles around me
so I can't think straight?
She doesn't hate you, Mum.
None of us do.
I don't understand what this is about.
Which one of you did this?
I'll fucking have you!
Oh, for Christ's sake, Norma.
Nothing is ever good enough.
And it's so hard, being gay.
You don't know how hard it is, Ian.
It's the right thing to do, Marty.
On the way home, he kept shaking.
They all do it in the orphanage.
It's what they do when they've never had any love.
Agh!
Leaky tit!
[knocking] MAN: Open up in there.
It's the police.
I'm not parked in a double yellow, am I?
MAN: We're looking for Marty Fisher.
Come on, you tit!
Stan, what can we do for you?
PC Waterman, to you, and don't you forget it.
You what?
PC Waterman.
And this is my new PC, Tom O'Leary.
Well, where is he, then?
Oh, I've not seen either of 'em for weeks, Stan.
I'm out of me mind.
Yeah, well, we've been tipped off that he's
here with the stolen baby, so.
What?
We've had a call from Monica.
Where is Monica?
No, Stan.
Sorry, PC Waterman, not without a warrant.
Stay here.
I'm gonna get one.
Off the premises, if you don't mind.
You fucking tipped off the police?
What are you talking about?
I didn't even know there was a baby here!
Debbie, tell me you didn't.
No, she wouldn't.
Would you, Debs?
I thought if I pretended to be--
What the fuck are you playing at?
How could you do that?
Why do you think?
Because she is the bitch that abandoned us,
but you don't seem to care about that!
She's gonna do it again.
I thought if you thought it was her,
then you might maker her leave.
Well, don't look at me.
It's not my fault.
Marty, you'll have to get out of here.
Take him to Maternity. I'll meet you later.
MARTY: Debbie?
Debbie?
I'm sorry, Marty.
You're my friend, and I've done something horrible.
It's OK.
I know you didn't mean it.
Fucking bitch!
It'll be all right.
My Marty, you're gonna have to go, mate.
It'll be all right.
Marty, don't abandon him.
Please.
Marty, come on.
Stan'll be back in a minute.
Oh my children.
Why is God punishing me?
It's all right, Carol.
We're not gonna throw you out just 'cause the rest
of your family is gone.
Got you Don't need a warrant out here, do I?
- Sue! - Marty!
Sue!
Romanian coppers are on their way.
But it's not the baby they want.
Pants on fire!
Oh, for Pete's sake, is there not a WPC in here anywhere?
Who are you?
I'm the baby's mother.
Can I have him, please, Stan?
What are you talking about?
PC Waterman.
Yeah, PC.
But you haven't got a baby, Sue.
What's this, then?
Blow-up monkey?
Hello.
Oh, come here.
He's hungry.
He wants his mummy.
Is she lying?
She's lying, isn't she?
If that's your baby, then where's its birth certificate?
Here.
Oh.
You don't think I'd do this if it wasn't mine, do you?
Suck a tit!
Now, look, Sue, we know that baby's stolen, so--
No, he's not.
And even if he was, he's an orphan.
So you can't send him back.
I didn't know he was an orphan.
That's not the point, PC O'Leary.
But it is.
I know what that's like.
I never even knew me mum and dad.
It's fucking awful.
We can't send him back.
Please, Stan.
Piss in your tea!
Save the baby.
Well, it looks like we must have made a terrible mistake,
then.
So are we really gonna keep him, then?
We have to do it properly, though, Marty.
I'm not living with your mum.
Slag!
And we need the proper stuff.
I'm not slumming it.
We'll need a 3 wheel baby buggy, proper car seat.
We have to get a car first.
A nice one.
And I was thinking maybe we could adopt another one.
Eh?
Well, child benefit's 70 pound a month per child.
So-- oh.
What's the matter?
Nothing, just a bit of morning sickness, I think.
So if we had four, that would be 280.
Now, keep it.
If we had six, that would be 670.
No, say what you said before.
Morning sickness.
Oh.
Does that mean me spunk worked?
I don't believe it.
Marty!
What you doing with her?
Get out.
She's just brought her back, Lip.
She's had her for the afternoon.
She's my granddaughter.
You can't stop me from seeing her.
It'd break me heart. I'm begging her.
It's not her fault you've had a row with Paddy, is it?
Don't punish her for it.
Three visits a week, that's all I want.
You don't interfere, though.
Eh!
What's the matter?
What the fuck is that?
Sweet, isn't it?
Aw.
[tattoo needle whirs]
[crying]
I didn't tell her she could do it.
[knocking on door]
[tv playing]
Go on.
Come on.
Sorry about that little interruption.
Oh dear.
Oh yeah.
It's just some kids, you know, threw something
through the letter box.
Cunt.
No, they didn't.
You set fire to your dinner.
No.
They told me at the hospital.
They couldn't get hold of your wife, Sheila Gallagher,
so they had to get hold of your ex.
How do you think that made me feel,
knowing that I'm still married to you?
I want you back, Frank.
[phone ringing]
That's why I'm here.
I want me old life back.
All right, let just--
desist, will you?
Hello.
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Hi, love.
Oh, hi, Sheila.
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Is there something wrong?
What?
SHEILA (ON PHONE): You sound yourself.
No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Nothing's happened, has it?
Around here?
Must be joking.
Same old, same old, isn't it?
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Guess what happened.
You and me.
What? SHEILA (ON PHONE): Frank?
What? No, we're not.
What?
No, what? - You and me.
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Is there someone there?
No, no.
It just-- it's just--
no, it's just a soap on the telly.
I dropped your phone.
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Oh, is it that time already?
My cinnamon swirls will be burning.
Is that so?
Yeah, so when is it that you're coming back?
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
SHEILA (ON PHONE): Monday. - Is it?
Look, Debs, we want you to decide if mum stays or not.
Just say the word, and she's gone.
And you'll go if I tell you to?
I need to get the dinner on.
So you're off, then, are you?
Am I fuck!
You might have come over all Stepford wives,
but I'm not falling for it.
I'm stopping right here till you come to your senses.
Right where I can see you.
Oh, squatter's rights!
European rules!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Surprises come in lots
of different shapes and sizes.
There's the good ones, like finding out
you've passed your math exam, even though the calculator ran
out three seconds after you started the test,
and finding a pound down the back of the sofa.
Well, and then there's the bad ones,
like being called a casualty 'cause your youngest brother's
allergic to the trifle you just made him,
or discovering that the rash you finally thought had gone
has come back double, and it's not
going away, no matter how hard you scratch it,
and realizing that it's not a rash.
It's an infection or worse, a melanoma.
You can try to ignore it, but someday soon it's
gonna jump up and bite you.
[theme music]
MONICA: Good night, Carl.
CARL: Good night, Mum.
MONICA: Good night, Ian.
IAN: Good night, Mum.
MONICA: Good night, Debbie.
Good night, Billy.
DEBBIE: Can't hear you.
He's in the next house.
MONICA: Good night, Liam.
WOMAN: Will you lot shut the fuck up
and go to fucking sleep, before I crown the lot of you?