[music playing]
Now nobody is saying that Chatsworth
Estate is the Garden of Eden.
But it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me
kids, who I'm proud of, because every single one of them
reminds me a little of me.
They can All think for themselves, which
they've got me to thank for.
Quick!
Leg it!
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody
calls him Phillip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the little ones,
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl.
We didn't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love him.
[screams]
Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus little Liam, he's going to be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts, and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them to a man know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in life
is, they know to throw a party!
[laughs] Scatter!
[cheering]
Me first stag night, the barman tells me a joke.
Kid goes to his dad.
Said he's heard that in some countries,
a man doesn't even know his wife until he marries her.
His dad tells him, that happens in every fucking country, son.
I mean, it's true isn't it?
I mean, if I had known Monica was going to be a lezzer,
I'd have never of married her, would I?
Well, yeah, probably.
I mean, I just thought I was in with a, you know,
flesh sandwich.
But the point I'm making is you just don't know, Do you?
You know, spin the fucking wheel.
So that's the point of a stag do, isn't it?
Because like the chief Roman said, veni, vidi, vodka.
Numb me fucking senses, boys.
I'm coming in.
Whoa!
Not fucking Marty!
Oh!
[cheering]
[music playing]
All right.
Oh, that's lovely.
Out of the way, mate.
No, Sheila.
Tell me is not Ground Force.
It's for the conservatory, Frank.
And we're going to have frosty glass and blackout lights when
I get a bit insidey outsidey.
Hello?
The garden's only 10 feet two.
What the fuck do we need a conservatory for?
The wedding.
You know I'm like.
Five hours out here, and I go completely doolally.
Well, put a fucking wigwam up or something.
No.
Too much daylight.
How many times, eh?
If you cold turkey your tablets, I need telling, because A,
they're worth money.
B, they're a magnet for the fucking bronco for miles.
How the hell much is all this costing?
8,000, plus VAT.
Well, we knocked a few quid off for signing on the spot.
There!
There you go!
[laughs]
I said I wanted a conservatory, Frank.
It's my money.
You haven't got eight grand.
I got a mortgage.
Three, two, one. Back In the room.
[snaps]
Fucks a re-mortgage costing me.
Us. You.
Peanuts, Frank.
'Cause I paid off the house last year.
But if I'm going to be honest, I miss filing all those bits
of paper they used to send me.
So I took the money out and everything.
And hid it.
In here.
You always said I shouldn't let people take advantage.
Come here, you.
[laughs] God, you are a total one-of.
[laughs] Why don't let Frank take care of that, eh?
OK.
So how much have you over-quoted?
Three grand? Four.
Let's say four. Eh?
Four grand.
Split it, 50-50.
Gives us a receipt for the lot.
Job's eight grand.
On your fucking bike, Tonto.
You seen Watchdog?
- Yeah. - Presenter?
Sheila's brother.
Twins.
He's Scottish.
Phone a friend, or fuck off.
Ah!
We run an honest business here.
Pay our taxes.
All above board.
I just pulled a cake out, if we're all done and dusted.
Beer, anyone?
Gin and tonic? - Nah, I'm all right.
Thanks, love.
And he's had enough.
Where the fuck did you dig them up?
Advert in the Church Gazette.
[music playing]
Right.
Well, thanks for telling me.
-
Veronica!
Those tights you gave me have got a hole in.
Not now, Mom.
Oh, what's the matter with her?
Lost a fiver, found a--
I said not now!
I've just found out me IVFs failed again.
I don't why you want kids anyway.
Pain in then the bloody ass, if you ask me.
Bleed you dry.
Take away the best years of your life.
And then they grow up to be a total waste--
[sighs] Tell you what, Mom.
Don't mince your words.
Say what you really feel.
I mean, it's not much better from where I'm standing, is it?
I mean, what did I get?
Jane of the fucking jungle.
But with a beard.
[music playing]
Wedding dress.
Done.
Order flowers. Done.
Yeah.
Wedding cake.
Martha Stewart Berry Basket Cake,
with wooden dowel supports, if I can get the wooden dowels.
If not, I'll just have to use toilet roll holders.
And you're making it yourself, so done!
Right.
That brings us to bridesmaids.
And you obviously want Karen as one.
Me?
A bridesmaid?
You must be joking.
So that just leaves me.
And Liam as page boy.
I've just had to turn your water off, love,
while we're doing the digging.
OK.
Right. so that's me and Liam.
And I need a bridesmaid dress, so I've found one.
Digging?
What's he mean, digging?
But I don't understand. Why are you digging?
- For the foundations. - No.
The ground's solid. Just put it on there, can't you?
Well, it won't stand up.
And we're only going to dig a few feet.
I said no.
I don't want digging.
But if we don't dig, you can't have a conservatory.
All right. Just forget it then.
- What? - I said forget it.
I don't want a conservatory.
Are you joking or what?
I booked time in for this job.
And you can't have a refund.
Then keep the money.
And the cake, too.
If you want it.
Look, I've brought all the gear now.
Let's just get on with it.
[music playing]
Well, that's it then, isn't it.
No more freebies on the NHS.
I mean, Kev's sure as shit not got
two grand for going private, so looks like game over.
Is it still Kev's sperm that's the problem?
Still doing backstroke.
Thing is, he never wanted them until bloody mouth almighty
started going on about it.
And now he's desperate.
How am I going to tell him that they failed again?
I mean, when they've been hand-picked
and scored out of a hundred.
And kids like Mandy Maguire can get pregnant from just
fucking sneezing.
How's that fair?
Have you ever thought about having any?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Lot of work, aren't they?
[music playing]
[laughs]
[sound of argument]
Leave it alone!
Leave my patio alone!
Leave it alone!
Don't make me do it!
Please, don't make me do it! - Hey!
What's going on? Sheila!
I don't want it!
- It's all right.
It's all right. - No digging.
- No, it's all right. - No digging.
No, no. No digging.
- I don't want them to do it. - They're not.
They're not. - Leave it alone!
You're all right.
All right, they'll leave it alone.
Fucking hell!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Frank.
It's just so awful.
It was so awful.
All right.
There's no need to-- - Frank!
What?
There's something I need to tell you.
I can marry you without telling you.
You're not a bloke, are you?
No. Of course not.
No.
[laughs] No.
I was married before.
Before Eddie.
Before Eddie?
Karen's dad, Eddie?
Yeah.
Sheldon.
But he died.
Of a heart attack.
Oh, well, you know--
well, you know, some of these blokes these days don't take
care of themselves, do they?
You know, no exercise, pissing it up.
But, I mean, if it's putting you off getting married again,
Sheila, then--
No.
It's not that.
It's just he's buried in the garden!
[music playing]
Are you serious?
No coffin?
Nothing?
She just wrapped him a doily.
Said a few Hail Marys, and then shoved him six feet under.
It's what he would have wanted, she reckons.
Can you give us another pint, Kev, and a couple of Es?
It's a bit fucking weird though.
Of course it's a bit fucking weird.
Fucking Michael Jackson video in your back garden.
Stiff under the over whatsit bush.
It's hardly Mr. and Mrs., is it?
Hey, do you reckon Karen knows?
Hey, oi.
Hey, Karen!
Don't tell her, you stupid bastard.
It's not like he's her dad.
So what did Sheila say about it?
I mean, is she all right?
How the fuck should I know?
Oof.
Oh.
Hey, hey.
So-- so we should have heard from the hospital.
It should have been today, shouldn't it?
It might be tomorrow.
You know what they're like.
I'll um-- I'll take him home, shall I?
Make sure Sheila's all right.
Find out what I can.
Come on, tosspot!
[music playing]
Cheers.
Oh, look at that, Liam, there.
You'd look sweet in that.
Hm.
Oi!
Who's the spunk face, short arse outside then?
Who?
Not again.
What does he want?
Where?
Oh, go on, Debs.
He's your boyfriend, isn't he?
You know you can tell us.
You're joking, aren't you?
He's only about four.
Someone tell him I've gone out.
[bangs on window]
Fuck off!
[music playing]
Thanks for your help.
It's all right.
Well, I thought, you know, I'd come and see how it's going,
you know, with-- with the wedding and that.
Sorry I haven't got much to offer you.
I could do you a vodka?
So, is that where he's buried then?
What?
Well, I'm-- I'm sorry.
It's just-- well, Frank said, and well--
I mean, only to us and I--
what the hell happened?
Oh.
Let me-- let me do those.
There's not really much to tell, actually.
I just couldn't handle the funeral.
It was the agoraphobia.
And-- and when he fell down stairs and killed himself,
I thought, the garden's just as good a place as any.
And he loved that garden.
He loved it.
He used to sit out there and point where to plant things.
Fell down the stairs?
I thought he had a heart attack.
Well, he-- he did.
He did.
He did, after he fell down the stairs.
I thought maybe I should have done him a headstone,
but it would've spoiled the symmetry.
And he wouldn't have liked that.
Wouldn't have liked it.
I mean, there wasn't any time.
I didn't even have time to take off his jewelry.
He didn't like me to touch him anyway.
That's why I can't wear gold.
That's why I have to wear fake or platinum.
Maybe I should have phoned someone.
But I knew he was dead, because he didn't
get up to watch The Sweeney.
The Sweeney.
Things What did Frank say?
What did he say?
How must gold, Sheila?
[music playing]
You look nice, Carol.
I always think animal prints suit you.
Veronica's put you up to this, hasn't she?
No, of course not.
Hm.
Well, whatever it is you're wanting, I'm not biting.
Hi, Debbie.
Doing a good trade on that confetti.
Waste not, fucking want not.
The thing is, it's not actually me wanting something.
It's Sheila.
She's stressed about the wedding,
and she really wants me to be a bridesmaid but--
The answer's no.
Oh, go on, Carol.
Please.
I'm not nicking you a bridesmaid's dress.
I got cautioned the last time I tried something.
I can't take that chance again.
All right, Yvonne.
Just a pack of gum for me.
2,20.
Take What You Want Day For Bearded Ladies was last week,
Karen.
[music playing]
Thank you.
[cash register]
Why are you following me?
I've got Racing Ninjas.
Look, Brian.
You The thing is, I don't want to be rude or anything.
I'm just not really interested.
It's nothing personal or anything.
It's just it's all about chemicals in your brain.
And can help those.
Who you've got them for, and who you haven't.
And with you, I just haven't.
Sorry.
No hard feelings, eh?
You can have me skateboard, if you let me kiss you.
I don't want your skateboard.
What I want is a bridesmaid's dress.
[music playing]
Frank!
[sputters] What'd you do that for?
She's buried him with a load of gold.
He was covered in it.
Rings, watches, teeth.
Must be worth a fortune.
What the fuck's that got to do with me?
We need to dig him up!
Dig?
Are you off your-- dig him up?
It's not Brookside.
He's a dead person.
Exactly.
He don't need it, does he, eh?
It were years ago.
He'll only be a pack of bones.
Oh, and what?
You don't think he's--
he's entitled to everlasting-- you know, fucking whatsit?
A man's soul has the right to be left in peace, doesn't he?
Or what is the world coming to?
Well, you know what?
You can say a few prayers when you bury him again.
Come on, Frank.
Kev's cousin can fence it.
All we need to do is get rid of Sheila for the night,
dig him up, split it 50-50.
Oh.
It's yours by right.
Yeah, but-- is it?
Yeah, of course it is.
'Cause, well, Sheldon were married to Sheila.
Yeah.
Which makes her his next of kin.
Right.
You're married to Sheila.
Well, near enough.
So that makes you a--
I really need this money, Frank.
And don't pretend you don't.
Money's Sheila's spending on this wedding, it's payback!
That's better.
Oh!
You're awake.
Oh.
[music playing]
Oh!
[music playing]
That was a bit out of call.
What time is it?
About three.
Shit!
[music playing]
Mandy. I'm here.
I'm here now.
Fuck you, Lip.
Look, just let me take her.
I said I would.
You said you'd be here at two.
Jesus Christ.
Just one afternoon out with me friends, that's all I wanted.
Well, I'm here now.
You're not reliable.
I said I didn't want you involved with her.
I said you'd get bored and fuck me.
And you have.
We don't need that in our lives, Lip.
You're going to end up like your own fucking dad.
[music playing]
Mandy!
I though we'd agreed to make a go of it!
Fuck!
Look, she'll calm down, Lip.
She's just pissed off at you.
She's right, though, isn't she?
I fucked up like she said I would.
OK.
So tell her you're sorry and tell
her you'll make it up to her.
I don't want to be like him.
I want to be a good dad.
Look, do you think-- well, what if I
asked her to move in with me.
I could be there for her all the time.
And she'd know what I mean it.
I suppose.
Yeah.
I could redecorate.
My room, do it how she likes.
That's commitment, isn't it?
Yeah.
[music playing]
Where'd you get this from?
Wrong color.
[door slams]
[party whistles]
Party!
Come on, kid.
Get the music on, Frank.
Party! [music playing]
Is it a hen night or something?
Maybe we should invite some of the others?
No, no.
We can do that later.
We just thought we'd have a bit of a celebration.
Hey, get the girl a drink, Vee!
[laughter]
Hey!
Come on!
[music playing]
(SINGING) I've got so much love to give.
I've got so much love to give.
Come on, Vee!
I'm coming!
Here we go, Sheila!
Chin, chin!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
[music playing]
(SINGING) I've got so much love.
I've got so much love.
Where'd you get it from?
I stole it.
Where from?
My dad works at a printers.
And they make wedding invitations.
So I know who's getting married.
[crying]
Don't cry.
Please don't cry, honey.
You'll be all right.
We'll sort you out a dress.
You'll be fine.
So, Brian.
How many more weddings do you know of?
[music playing]
Oh!
I love this one!
I'm having such a lovey time!
Dance with her, will you?
Oh!
Go on, then, Sheila.
[laughter]
There you go!
Down in one.
Go on, go on, go on, go on, all the way.
Go, go, go, whoo!
[laughter]
[thud]
Oh, thank fuck for that.
How many did you give her?
10.
You don't think she's--
[snoring]
[music playing]
That's the thing about women, see?
Devious.
Like Alistair fucking Campbell, the lot of you.
Tik-tik-sh-sh-sh.
Make out like there is nothing going on.
But inside, ee-ee-ee-ee.
I mean, where's Kev, while you're here, eh?
Witching hour.
Legs straddling a fucking corpse.
At home in bed, non the flaming wiser.
More to the point, where are you, Frank?
You are meant to be fucking helping.
Hey, you know, I can't go there.
It's too close to home.
And then I'm getting flashbacks to me mom.
Anyway, you were a fucking nurse.
You're used to dead--
Fucking hell, Frank.
I think I found him.
Well, have a look.
Can you see the gold?
[music playing]
Bloody hell.
There's a watch though.
And some rings.
Fuck me.
[music playing]
Jesus Christ on a bike.
That was some fucking fall down the stairs.
[music playing]
Here.
I got you a double.
Dig him up, she said.
Won't hurt anyone, she said.
No, you're not the one that's just found out you're
marrying Myra fucking Hindley.
Frank, I am just as freaked out about this as you are.
Oh, how does that work?
Were you the one that's lying awake at 3:00 in the morning,
wondering whether you are going to make it to breakfast time.
Look, now this-- this wouldn't normally be my port of call,
but maybe we should think about going to the police.
You could say you were gardening.
Hey, how come it's suddenly it's all about me?
Well, you were the one who fucking dug him up.
Frank!
You want to pull yourself together.
I mean, there might be a perfectly
reasonable explanation.
For a fondue set in the ribs?
What, he thought, oh, I know, I'll try a bit of acupuncture
to cure the heart attack.
And, oh, dear, whoops, I've stabbed myself to death.
I don't think so.
Well, if you got to the police, we've lost the gold.
So why don't you just shut up about it!
When did you turn into Lara Croft, Tomb Raider?
Shit!
Oh.
I've got a shocking head.
Didn't sleep properly last night.
I was up and down like a yo-yo.
Sorry, am I interrupting something?
- No. - No.
We were just talking about the wedding.
In fact, we're looking forward to it.
Oh, Frank, are you?
Of course I am, yeah.
I've got my dress fitting today.
Great.
I've got a diamante bodice, nylon
tulle veil, modesty panel.
Actually, I am-- I know you don't like
looking after the twins, but I thought
maybe just for a couple-- - Well, of course I do.
No, don't be silly.
Any time.
- It'd only be for an hour. - Yeah.
Don't question it, Sheila.
He might change his mind.
Anyway, I've got to shoot.
See you.
Veronica.
Have you got moles, then?
Do what, Lillian?
Moles. Have you got them.
Our Leslie said she saw you digging in the garden.
She lives over the back from you.
No, Lillian, no.
It with-- it's the digger.
We got to builders in. It's not us.
It was definitely you in then night.
She wanted go--
No, no, no, she must have been dreaming it.
Dreamt it.
You know what she's like. Just hang on.
Hang on. Sheila, come on, darling.
You got-- - She did tell me it were you.
I know she did. She knows your house.
Hang on. Lillian!
Hang on. Just go on down.
You enjoy yourself. She told me it were you.
Because she knows your house. - Hey, hey, hey.
Your work on this planet is finished.
Return to your own people.
She don't tell lies.
She saw you!
[music playing]
Fucking hell.
No.
Look, Lip, I told you.
Just come with us a minute.
Debs, watch Katie.
What are we doing, Lip?
You'll see in a minute.
All right.
Are you ready?
Ta-da.
What's this meant to be?
Well, it's for you.
I though if you moved in here, I'll be around, won't I?
I won't be able to forget things.
Lip, a couple of coats of paint
aren't going to solve anything.
And what makes you think I'm going
to move in here with you lot.
It's a fucking nut-house.
No offense, but I'd rather eat me own sick.
I don't understand you.
But I want it to work, Mandy.
Yeah, well, so do I. But it's us we've got to sort out.
The real stuff.
Not some fucking paint job.
I don't want to, Debbie.
Brian, you said you'd help me.
You said I could kiss you.
Just help me get the dress.
No.
Just one, OK.
Here.
On the mouth.
On the mouth, or I'm not doing it.
Just help me get the dress, all right?
[music playing]
Where did you get it from?
Oh, you know, grave robbing.
[laughs] Usual stuff.
I'd put it back if I was you.
Eh?
It's fake.
The whole lot of it.
Ain't worth a penny.
[music playing]
Come on, then.
Let me see.
All right, then.
But make it quick.
And if you gob on me, I'll throw up on you.
Well, go on then.
I-- I think you're horrible.
You think you're really it.
But you're not.
You're just using me.
And you should do that, because it's wrong.
I don't want to kiss you.
I don't want to see you ever again.
[music playing]
Frank?
Are you all right about tomorrow?
I can't wait to be Mrs. Gallagher.
I think I'll just hit the hay, Sheila.
[music playing]
SHEILA: Just locking up for the night, Frank!
[door slams]
Frank?
Yeah, just in here, love.
Frank, are you all right, love?
Yeah, yeah.
Just you know.
Is there something wrong?
Frank?
What Lillian said.
Were you digging?
Did you-- Did you dig him up?
[water starts]
Sorry, love.
Not here.
Did you dig him up?
Did you dig him up, Frank?
[music playing]
Hey, erm--
Veronica.
You've heard, haven't you?
From the hospital.
It's not good news, is it?
No.
Oh, look. I'm really sorry.
I just didn't know to tell you.
Ah.
FRANK: Veronica!
Veronica!
[glass breaking]
For fuck's sake!
Mind your feet!
What the fuck are you playing at, Frank!
Let me in!
You've just broken the fucking window!
Look, I need the money from the gold.
KEV: What fucking gold?
You've done what?
Well, he were fucking dead anyway.
Correction. Murdered.
How much?
Hey, you what?
Sheila murdered him.
So? - She murdered him?
You're joking. FRANK: Wish I fucking was, mate.
Yeah, well, Frank, it was a big fat zero,
because it's all fake.
So fucking tough shit on both of us.
So I dug up that body for nothing?
You didn't dig him up!
I fucking did!
That gold is me get out of jail free card.
How the hell am I going to get away from her, now?
Whoa, what you on about?
She knows!
Fucking Lillian, fucking-- and now she's going to kill me.
[laughs]
No, it's not fucking funny!
Look, you didn't see her with that spade.
They get a taste for it, don't they?
I've seen Crimewatch.
VERONICA: Oh, for fuck's sake!
What the hell am I going to do now?
I'm going to have to stay here, while I get me head together.
You are joking.
Over my dead body.
It's me darkest hour, Veronica!
Me dream wedding in tatters!
Me kids are not taking pity on me.
Lip's already thrown me out. Come on!
Yeah, well, tell it to Oprah!
Now fuck off!
FRANK: Veronica, you can't do this to me!
I'm a marked man!
You got me into this!
Veronica!
VERONICA: Go home, Frank!
What?
[door slams]
Oh, piss!
- I can't believe you. - Oh, no.
Don't.
What were you thinking?
I thought we could use the money to-- you know, for IVF.
I know how much you want it, Kev.
Oh, you.
Come here, you daft cow.
Hey, not many blokes could say the wife
would go grave robbing for him.
Oh, it were horrible and all.
And he stank.
Oh.
Well, look, Vee.
We're all right.
We don't need no one else.
Hey, but we don't need to be trying for a baby to have sex,
do we?
[laughs] No.
All right.
Let us in, then.
[laughs]
[music playing]
[knocking at door]
Frank?
[music playing]
Frank?
Frank, are you there, love?
Carl!
Is your dad there?
No. Why?
I think he's left me!
Hey, give over, Sheila.
I-- he's-- he's probably with--
well, he's probably out with Kev somewhere, isn't he, you?
Getting ready and that.
It's bad luck seeing you on your wedding day, isn't it?
Look, why don't you go home?
And don't worry.
We'll-- we'll find him.
I'll get him.
What the fuck you doing, Frank?
It's your wedding day.
You can't just disappear.
She's in pieces.
Yeah.
But what about me?
I'm a hunted man!
She's got a fucking spade, Veronica.
If you're not going to marry her,
Frank, you have got to tell her.
Sort him out, will you?
I'm going to Sheila's.
Come on, knobhead.
All right.
So you did up this bloke and she's killed him, right?
Yeah.
And who's to say he's not the only one?
Mm?
Well, you remember Eddie the owl?
Fucking missionary work in Africa, or six feet under?
What's the more likely, eh?
Well, look, the only reason you
know about Sheldon in the first place is because she told you.
Now what's she going to tell you for if she's planning
on giving you the same?
Well, it's-- is it's double bluff, isn't it?
Plus she had no choice.
No, that's bollocks, Frank.
The reas-- no.
Frank, the reason she told you is because she trusts you.
[laughs]
That woman, she wouldn't lay a finger on.
Fuck knows why, but she thinks the sun shines out your arse.
But she's still a fucking murderer, Kev.
I'm not marrying her.
Hm.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
I thought I might as well put it on, though I don't
suppose I'll be needing it now.
Hey now, come on. Enough of that.
He knows, doesn't he?
He knows about Sheldon?
Out
I'm sorry, Sheila.
We didn't--
He used to hit me, see?
If everything wasn't just so, he used to--
it was like he was looking for things to find fault with.
Like If his records weren't stacked neatly,
or if I had a button undone.
Sheldon fucking beat you?
I was younger, see?
You think you deserve it, don't you?
You don't know any better.
It was the gold that was the worst.
He used to burn me with it.
Pattern marks, all up and down me arms and legs.
[music playing]
[whimpering]
And if I cried, he'd punch me in the face.
Battered me once, put me in a hospital for a month.
Why didn't anybody stop him?
Why didn't you go to the police?
I did.
But they used to pretend they couldn't see the marks.
They just used to say, there, there,
and give me a boiled sweet, and send me home.
They used to call it a domestic in those days.
They didn't want to get involved.
It was always gobstoppers.
I can't stand the sight of them now.
And then one-- one night, he was coming
up there with the medallion.
But I just went.
[music playing]
[screams]
I didn't plan anything.
Oh, Sheila.
What a bastard.
I can't believe you've never told us before.
He deserved everything he got, then.
You mustn't waste another breath on him.
Frank's gone, Veronica, because of me.
Because of what I've done. - Hey, now.
Come on. That--
Do you think maybe if-- do you think maybe if I confessed,
do you think maybe Frank could forgive me?
I know-- I know he doesn't love me anymore.
But if he could figure me, that would be something,
wouldn't it? - Well, come on, Sheila.
You are not getting yourself banged
up for the likes of Sheldon.
He was a monster.
But for Frank.
He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to turn myself in.
[music playing]
Oi!
Having a nice time, are you?
While your fiancee's gone to turn herself in?
Well, if you can't do the time.
For the murder of a bloke who beat her to a fucking pulp!
Oi!
Where the fuck you going?
Empty house.
I'm going to keep myself company.
For fuck's sake, Frank.
He used to burn her fucking arms with a medallion.
How much more convincing do you need?
I am not fucking joking, Frank.
You can't let her go through with this.
She'll go to prison!
And she's only confessing, because she
thinks it's what you want.
Fucking hell.
What?
Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher.
She's opened a fucking joint account for you.
[music playing]
[door slams]
[music playing]
Hey!
What's he doing? Hey!
Get off!
What are you doing?
That' my bike!
My bike!
[music playing]
For fuck's sake!
[music playing]
[sobs]
[music playing]
Hey!
[music playing]
Sergeant?
Oh, blimey.
Look at you, Sheila.
Oh, twins have grown, eh?
Yeah, they have.
[sobs]
So, what can we do for you?
You come to report a crime?
What is it?
Frank wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt for the wedding?
No. No.
I've come to confess.
To a murder.
Sorry.
[sobs]
Look, Sheila, love.
You don't have to marry Frank, you know, if you don't want to.
You don't have to go making up stories.
No, I really do.
It's just because of the conservatory, you see.
All right.
Maybe we should-- we'll get you a cup of tea.
Yeah.
Yeah, that would be lovely.
With Demerara, if you've got it.
Gobstopper?
No!
Whoa, Nelly!
Hold the fucking horses.
Now, whatever she's saying, it's not true, right?
It's just pre-wedding jitters.
Isn't it?
And she's-- she's--
Can I just have a couple of minutes with her, on me own?
Sheila!
What are you doing, you daft mare!
I know you know about him, what I've done,
so I thought I'd come and get it off me chest.
Oh, but what you talking about?
He was a brute, wasn't he?
It's all right, because Veronica told me.
M He deserved everything he got.
God, if I had got to him first, I'd have done it!
Because if anyone lays a fucking finger on you--
Frank, you'd gone because of what I'd done.
No!
Well, yeah, but it was just--
you know, just a mom--
moment-- cold feet!
Just a normal kind of bloke's thing.
I just-- I got a bit--
anyway, the point is I'm here now.
Why don't we just go home, eh?
To tell you the truth, your finding out is quite a weight
off.
Listen, I've been giving it a lot of thought.
And I've thought, maybe all this trouble
I've had over the last few years, you know,
like the pills and everything?
Maybe it's because of the guilt?
I think I need to be punished.
Sheila, you have served your time.
In here.
So what good's it going to do?
You're not-- you're not going to bring him back, is it?
But, Frank--
I'll tell you something, Sheila.
If you go to prison--
no, I know, if you go to prison you will kill another man.
No!
Because I will die of a broken heart.
Frank?
Do you really mean that?
Do I?
A man without a woman.
Sheila Jackson, will you do me the great thingy
of being my wife?
Oh!
Yes!
Of course I will!
[laughs]
Let's get the fuck out of this place then.
[music playing]
Well, you don't scrub up bad.
Didn't think you were coming.
Yeah, well, wouldn't miss this, would I?
I got me mom to mind Kate, so it's just me and you today,
if we can remember how do that.
Course we can.
Come on.
You got a buttonhole, Marty?
- Nick a cock in it! - Hiya, Karen.
Hiya, Sue.
Here you are, love.
Cheers.
In a civil service, we don't make
vows of a religious nature.
Thank fuck.
[laughter]
But we pledge our love, honor, and respect in a way
that's just as deeply binding.
Come on, come on.
Get to the good bit.
Do you Vernon Francis Gallagher-- come on, join in,
if you know the words.
Do you Vernon Francis Gallagher,
take Sheila Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do!
[cheering and applause]
And do you, Sheila Jackson, take
Vernon Francis Gallagher to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Yes!
Yeah!
I'm guilty! [laughs]
Hurray!
Here's the ring.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[cheering and applause]
[music playing]
Way to go, Frank!
[music playing]
(SINGING) Congratulations and celebrations.
When I tell everyone that you're in love with me.
Congratulations and jubilations
Hey.
Glad I'm glad you came through.
Yeah, well.
I could hardly let her down.
Could I?
Anyway, I got to I thinking, I never
the divorce through from Monica, in the end,
so it's not legal anyway.
[laughs]
[music playing]
Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher!
[music playing]
So, I've got a new joke, right?
What does bigamy mean?
One wife too many.
And monogamy?
Same fucking thing.
You know, if you've got to have a ball and chain,
Sheila's the woman for the job.
Because if we ever fall on hard times,
we can send her out as a contract killer.
So like the chief Roman said, veni, vidi, vol-au-vent.
Let's have a fucking party!
[music playing]
(SINGING) Congratulations and celebrations, when
I tell everyone that you're
Here. Give me that.
[cheering and applause]
[music playing]