FRANK: Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden
of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank
Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud
of because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
We can all think for themselves, which
they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Phillip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the others
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl.
We don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love it. Debbie!
Sent by God.
Total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles
out her way to do you a favor.
Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.
Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything-- well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts, and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still nobody's perfect.
But all of them, to a man, know first
and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in life
is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh.
Scatter!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): In social studies,
we learned that when families first started,
it was because we were primitive hunter-gatherers who
needed the family unit to protect
the weaker, younger members.
That way, they could survive and become the next lot
of hunter-gatherers.
State of her.
Carl, get her next door now.
Why?
Now!
Sorry, Carol, but I did make it clear it was guest list only.
Must be something I've eaten.
Come here, Carol.
Come on.
Concentrate.
Cheeky vimto.
What are you on about?
It's got vodka in it, Carol.
I told Debbie straight off, no spirits, no class A's.
Fuck me!
Looks like a party.
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): But they reckon that,
since the Industrial Revolution, the modern family has developed
into a different unit.
Now its main role is the emotional and moral welfare
of the young.
What's that about?
I mean, as long as there isn't a woolly mammoth biting my ass,
I can look after myself, ta very much.
Fancy a bit of chill-out space, love, you're welcome
to come next door. - Oy!
Out! - It's much quieter.
Lip, you promised.
You know that were Nicola?
Yeah.
What, in Debbie's class?
Yeah.
Christ.
Your Ass on her, though.
What do you think?
Fantastic!
I wasn't sure about the material.
It's always a bit iffy from the catalogue.
You just can't tell, looking at it.
You're gorgeous.
Fuck your brains out.
Yeah, but you don't think the straps are a bit funny?
See what I mean?
All right, which color do you like?
- That one. - Really?
I always think cream washes me out.
Oh, I got a top and all.
Sue, I don't give a fuck.
Just come here, will you?
What the fuck's that?
Don't think so.
Everybody out.
What's the problem, mate?
Shut up and get out!
That's it.
Come on.
You trying to turn the place into a shag pit?
It's nothing to do with me.
We must have had a power cut.
Nice try, Debs.
Lip, it's not even midnight!
Come on.
Keep moving.
Come on.
That's it.
Where's Liam?
Er, party?
He stayed the night at Kev and Veronica's.
Duh.
No, I mean, aren't you taking him to school?
You can do it.
One night, I ask for some consideration.
I asked for the place to myself, no interference,
but you treat me like a little kid.
Right?
Well, if I'm a little kid, I'll start acting like one.
And little kids can't look after their little brothers.
Leccy's gone, you div.
Debbie!
Kettle's bust.
And I've got a mouth like a goat's lavatory.
Carol.
Give me a heart attack.
It's the leccy.
Went off last night.
None in the Gallaghers', either.
For you.
Just junk mail by the look of it.
They've come.
Fucking hell.
Tonight Matthew, I'm Myra Hindley.
Oh, fuck off, eh?
At least I don't look like Ken fucking Dodd.
Hey.
Cyprus, eh?
Hm?
Sex on the beach.
Mile High Club.
Dirty bitch.
Is it really a mile up?
How do you mean?
Up in the sky, is it-- is it a mile up, like?
I don't know, do I?
I mean, it must be.
That's what they call it.
Oh, no, no, Veronica, Veronica.
Not with Liam here.
I feel a bit weird.
He's fast asleep.
I've just checked him on my way in.
Come on. - No, no, no.
Yeah, I don't-- I need a wazz, anyway.
Veronica, have you not got any butter?
I can only find that diet spread stuff.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Hiya, babe.
Hiya.
Another dead soldier.
Er, no more until he's paid.
Your tab's frozen, Frank.
You're on pay-as-you-go.
"Oh, your tab's frozen, Frank.
No more t--" thank you, Nat fucking West.
No, sorry, got a holiday coming up.
I need all me spare change for spending money.
Oh, Thatcher's children, Kevin.
Always wanting more, surrounding ourselves with things.
Yeah, well, me and V haven't been away in nearly six years,
so.
Instant gratification.
Sheila's the same.
"It's for the wedding, Frank.
No, we're on a tight budget, Frank."
Tenner will last me a fucking week.
Tommy!
Hey!
Ah, lovely.
Smoke alarms.
Council has to fit them as standard now.
They pay a fortune for kite marks and all that shit.
Yeah, course it is.
Fucking taxpayers' money, isn't it?
They bear no responsibility, these people.
Got it in one, Frank.
So me and Phil, we pick up a load of Korean units for next
to nowt, right?
Then we install them and we flog the pricey ones up in Chorlton.
Nice little earner.
There we go.
You on vitamins or--
Mm-mm.
Another nice little earner.
Drug trials.
I get 200 quid for taking these for three weeks.
Do fuck all, as far as I can see.
Mind you, I do have a permanent boner.
[cash register dings]
Liam not back from karate yet?
Shit!
My name's Judith and I'm an alcoholic.
Do you mind if I have a word?
Don't tell Lip 'cause I'm on strike,
but I rang the electricity company,
and they swear on their lives they've not
made a mistake about the bill.
They won't restart the supply until we've paid.
Will you sort it?
Can we pay your electricity bill?
We run off the same supply.
Steve hooked it up when he and Fiona was living next door.
It made it easier for him to take care of everything.
Did you know about this?
No.
Not right, is it?
Not right?
It's criminal.
Hang on.
I gave you 50 pound to pay the electricity
bill not two weeks ago.
What happened to it?
You know what?
I bet I forgot to post it.
I'm always doing that.
Stamp on, then it stays in me bag for months.
I'll sort it tomorrow.
We'll sort it now.
How many bags have you got?
Nicola's got one like that.
It's yours.
I never use it.
Oh!
Thanks, Sue. - Ladies.
Bitches!
It'll be getting dark soon.
Bonfire night!
Marty, Sue can't find the electric bill.
I thought you told me you'd paid it.
I have.
I've just not posted it on.
It won't be in there.
When are you going to tell us what's going on?
What are you trying to infer, Carol?
I've got eyes in me head, unlike Marty.
New outfit every 20 minutes.
Marty, We'll you tell her?
Fuck, shit, wank!
Ah!
All right.
I needed the money for the leccy 'cause I got
myself into a bit of debt, OK?
Is that what you wanted to hear?
- How much debt? - It's nothing.
You know I'm waiting on that money from Craig's dad's house.
It'll clear it with thousands to spare.
I mean, why should I put my life on hold?
How much?
- How much, Sue, love? - 12 grand.
Some of them are really nasty.
County court orders and that.
You'll end up inside if you're not careful.
I'm really sorry, Marty.
Hey, we'll sort it together, OK?
Hm!
Is this it, thought?
Is this the lot?
'Cause you've got to be honest with me, OK?
Titwank!
No more trying to hide it.
Way of life with her.
Mom, just piss off out of it, will you?
Thank you.
No problem.
It's like you say.
This money that you're owed from Craig,
well, there must be some way to throw them a bone.
Do you hate me?
Course I don't.
Blood-sucking bitch!
I love you.
Sue, you're the best thing that's ever
happened to me, no contest.
Deb's on strike. It's doing me head in.
Liam, shoes.
No bread left.
I haven't had time to shop, have I?
We'll get you some crisps on the way to school.
Where's your socks, Liam?
I don't know.
[knocking]
Come in.
Hiya.
Morning.
I'm loving the bag, babe.
Thanks.
See you.
Look, you're just going to have to wear a pair of mine.
They're a bit big, but--
Lip, it hurts.
OK, fine.
No fricking socks.
Go bare feet.
Yeah?
Don't let's go.
I haven't got any of my own clean, have I?
I'm off out after school.
Oh, who's going to make tea for these two then?
I'm suppose to be seeing Katie and Mandy tonight.
- Can't Carl manage? - What?
Shit.
This is it, you know.
Once Debbie cops off with some horny little loser,
this is our lives, Ian.
We'll be OK.
We just need a routine and that.
Yeah.
Well, no, you're right.
We need a plan.
Nip it in the bud.
Scruff.
It's just a few questions about your lifestyle,
Mr. Gallagher. - Right you are, love.
Nothing there to frighten the horses.
Happy to oblige.
Right.
Male or female.
Oh, definitely a yes.
I'll just-- yeah.
Oh.
Diet.
Do you eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day?
Do I look like fucking Bugs Bunny?
Yes.
How much alcohol do you consume weekly?
A, no alcohol.
B, 1 to 21 units.
Weekly?
Yeah, weekly.
C, over 21 units.
I see you say you don't drink, Mr. Gallagher.
Yeah.
Well, my mom was a Methodist, love.
I promised her on her deathbed.
In that case, we'll have to keep your details on the file.
This particular trial involves taking the drug in conjunction
with at least two units of alcohol a day.
Ohh.
All right.
I'll do it.
Well, me mom was a wonderful woman, you know.
She was-- actually, she was devoted to medical science.
Absolutely devoted to it.
She could've trained up if she'd have had the opportunities.
Donated her body.
You know, her eyes and all that.
And that was the other thing that she
said to me on her deathbed.
"Son, promise me you'll do everything
you can for medical science."
So I'm here.
It's Lady Muck you should be asking for money, not me.
I said from the get-go she was trouble.
Feet under the table before you could say Jack Robinson.
Point is, Carol, Sue hasn't got the money.
So if you don't pay to get us reconnected,
it's not going to happen.
We're all brassic at ours.
Fine state of affairs this is.
We're supposed to be your tenants, not your parents.
Yeah, and we're charging you 30
quid a week less than you're claiming in housing benefits.
I'm supposed to be putting a bit by for my old age.
Nobody cares.
Thanks.
And if any of the lads ask you, you sorted it yourself.
You know you'll get blackheads from putting so much makeup on.
Clogs your pores.
A foaming tankard of your finest ale, mein innkeeper.
Frank, you know how it is.
Eh?
Half now, half on completion of the trial.
No, but it's not just the money.
You feel like you're putting a bit back.
Well, I suppose it's you or them monkeys
they grow the tumors on.
How many of them tablets are you having to take then, Frank?
Three every four hour-- oh, four every three hours.
Ahh.
So basically Debt Crunchers, in agreement with yourself,
take what's known as a consolidation loan.
You're probably wondering what the heck that is.
Well, I'll tell you.
Basically, it's a way for us to pay of all your debts.
Then we organize it for yourselves to pay
one basic monthly fee to us.
Sounds too good to be true.
It is.
People don't realize.
You're homeowners, obviously.
She is. Well, when--
Yes!
No worries.
[thundering]
No one's ever looked up to me like you do, you know.
I love looking up to you.
You know I do.
I'll do anything I can.
Ball and chain!
But these loans and that, love.
Well, you hear about people paying them off for years.
Yeah, but it's not going to be years, is it?
Once Craig comes good.
I mean, that's what I'm saying.
The day he's sold that house, the sky's the limit.
To the future.
Mud in your eye.
Cum on your face!
Fuck it.
Sue?
MARTY: We're going to bed, mom.
We're shattered.
You've got a visitor.
You're looking well. Marty.
The fuck are you doing here?
We've just been having a little chat, haven't we, Craig?
You poisonous old bitch.
She's stirring it again.
What's she's been saying?
I haven't been saying anything.
It's what Craig's been telling me.
Mom, I don't want to hear it, right?
You're upsetting Sue.
She's had it, Marty.
This is not your business.
He's my son, and you're taking him for a ride.
I'm taking him for nothing.
Tell him.
She's had the money from me dad's house.
10 grand, nearly eight month ago.
Same old story, is it?
Spunked the lot?
But you said--
The lies never stop, do they, Sue?
Marty!
For God's sake!
[sizzling] - Fuck!
- Marty! - Oh, fuck!
You all right, mate?
Get the fuck off me, you lying bastard!
It's all true, Marty.
I've seen the paperwork.
Pull your trousers off.
They need running under a cold tap.
Fucking-- fucking get off me, Mom!
[television playing]
Sue?
Sue!
Bollocks!
Popcorn maker?
Who needs a popcorn maker?
Ha!
Too bloody idle to walk to the shops,
yet she spends God knows how much on a badminton racket.
She's mentally ill.
Oh, that's handy.
Maybe she and Marty are going to be playing doubles.
Yeah.
And if they were, you'd find some way of stopping them.
Hey, don't you make me out to be
the villain on this, Veronica.
She's the one who's selling Marty down the river.
How?
How is She's doing that, Mom?
By making him happy?
By stopping him setting fire to anything for longer than
any of us can remember?
By keeping him out of fucking Strangeways?
I can't do right by doing bloody wrong!
I might have known not to expect any support from you.
Yeah, well, you're right on that one.
And think on, yeah?
If Marty does go back inside, the Gallaghers
will be short on rent and looking for new tenants.
And with any luck, Kev and me will be turning
the spare room into a nursery.
So don't come crying to us when you need somewhere to live.
- Six, is it? - Yeah.
This will be seven.
Brewery needs telling.
Nowt wrong with the ale, Frank.
Look at Denzig.
He's matched you pine for pint.
It'll be them pills you're taking.
Fuck off.
What kind of pills stop you getting pissed?
What would be the fucking point of that, Jez,
eh, in your medical opinion?
I don't know.
Treating alcoholics?
If you can't get pissed, there's no point drinking.
How many Es can you give us, Kev?
Marty?
Kev.
Let me go!
Marty, look, you know I can't.
I promised V I'd keep an eye on you.
Let go of me!
I've just gotta find her!
Please, Kev.
Please.
I think I'm gonna die.
I just wanna fucking torch the place!
All right. All right.
I'll tell you what.
I'll come with you, yeah?
Her mom lives in Spain.
That's where she'll have gone.
Whoa.
Spain?
But I-- I thought Sue had told me and V
she hadn't spoken to her mom in 10 years.
She's still family, isn't she?
If you don't wanna help us-- fucking bastard!
All right. All right.
Oy. All right.
Where do you want to go?
To Spain.
No one wants us to be together, Kev.
Fucking hell!
Course we do.
And you-- and you will be, won't you?
You don't fucking believe that.
No one does.
See them looking-- fucking loser!
Hey Hey.
I do, as it happens, Marty.
Seriously.
You've got something good.
Don't bother what anyone else says.
If you think Sue's in Puerto de la Rey, then get in there,
hand over your passport, and pay whatever it takes to go and get
her. 'Cause I'm telling you, you can't put a price on feelings.
Oy.
I haven't got a fucking passport, have I?
Fuck!
Fucking fuck of a fucking fucker!
Fucker!
How you How you doing, Craig?
All right, Kev.
Just come to talk.
You best come in.
You tried her nan's in Preston?
No.
Well, don't try ringing.
She's a bit senile.
But you could go round.
Think Sue'd probably go there before she'd go to her mom's.
She's not spoke to her mom for years, actually.
Word of advice--
No, ta.
Spunkface!
Just leave it, Marty.
Let her go whenever she wants. You're well out of it.
Believe me.
You don't get it, do you?
I love her.
She loves me.
Sue loves Sue.
And out with a barcode.
I mean, yes, she'll give you the best blow job you've ever
had in your life, but at the end of the day,
if you opened her up, you'd find a cash register
where her heart should be.
Believe me.
Her leaving you is the best thing
that's ever happened to you.
My life started the day she walked out that door.
Come on, mate.
Let's go to Preston.
Have you got the address?
MARTY: He's a cunt.
Thanks.
I owe you one.
Well, that's me and every catalogue
company in the country, then.
Narky bugger.
What did you tell him?
Marty's gutted, you know.
You broke his heart, the poor little bastard.
Well, I'm not going back.
I won't give Carol the satisfaction.
Well, then you better get on the phone and sort something
out, yeah?
One night, I said.
If your nana's that far gone, she won't even noticed you're
staying with her for a bit.
They're pink.
All of them.
Live and learn.
Can't wear pink to school.
There you are.
Wait there a sec.
You know that old hippie-looking woman who lives at number 27?
You know, the one whose house really stinks?
RSPCA finally raided her.
[meowing]
They're giving them away.
What am I, six?
Debs, wait.
Look, I know we haven't been pulling our weight
and that but things are going to change.
Lip's made a rota what everyone's
supposed to be doing.
Look.
Mondays, Carl, breakfast.
Me, tidy up.
You take Liam to school.
All different colors, see?
Give me a break.
How many rotas have I made for you lot?
And they never work because I'm the only one
that sticks to them.
And I end up doing everyone else's jobs.
So don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.
What does that mean?
[meowing]
Oh God, he's over there.
Is he looking?
Yeah, he's looking.
Don't look.
Hey, do you want to sit on me face, sweetheart?
Or can I just cum on your tits?
You fucking perv!
Come near us again and my dad will kick
the fucking shit out of you.
Pedophile bastard!
Oh, right.
Total ped.
So is he looking now?
Debbie.
Yeah.
Whoa, Frankie boy!
How is it shaking?
Well, it's not, is it?
60 quid on booze and Es, and look at me.
Sober as a fucking judge.
Nice one.
Never knew the true meaning of that phrase till today--
sober as a fucking judge.
Jez, I know.
Long story.
Long s-- listen, there's plenty more places in the world
than fucking Preston.
She'll probably get in touch when the dust settles a bit.
Why would she? Loser!
Oh, come on, mate. She's not that bad.
She's probably just got a bit freaked
with facing the music and that.
I think I'd fuck off for a bit if I owed that much money.
My mom reckons she left just because she was using me
and she finally bled me dry.
I I know!
Just give us two minutes, Jez.
Look, no disrespect to Carol, but that twisted
old cow wouldn't know true love if it jumped
up and bit her on the minge.
You really think she loves me, Kev?
Well, she must do.
Why else has she been shagging you for the past year?
For your smooth talk and good looks?
Yeah.
If I pay it all off for her, she'll come back then,
won't she?
I'm going to do it. I'll get another job.
I know I can.
[laughter]
Tommy.
[alarm beeping]
I got a lasagna in for tonight.
I know you like it.
I'm working.
I could do chips with it and all.
Not hungry. Selfish cunt!
I'll have lasagna.
Sweet Jesus, give me strength.
I said lasagna, not loaves and bloody fishes.
There you are.
You know, if you started wearing a toupee now,
nobody would know known later on.
That was your dad's mistake, leaving it too late.
[doorbell]
Sorry to hear about your partner, Mr. Fisher.
Why?
What have you heard?
No, it's nothing like that.
My apologies.
It's just that I rang yesterday to speak to yourself
or her about your first payment.
I spoke to a lady.
I presume that was you.
That's right.
She told me that your wife had done a bit of a runner.
They're not married, thank God.
Oh, right.
Seeing as you're co-signatory to the loan, I thought--
What loan?
What's she made you sign?
Nothing.
It's my business, Mom.
Down the shithole!
So you mean that I've got to pay the lot?
Ha!
What did I say all along the line?
She's played you for a giddy kipper, Martin Fisher.
How in heaven's name you going to pay off 12,000 pound?
It's time you woke up to yourself.
Fucking shut it, will you!
All my life, you rabbitting on.
"I told you so, Marty."
"He's not your friend, Marty."
"Wear a fucking toupee, Marty."
I have had enough, right?
Hey!
Chill out.
All right? All right?
I'm chilled. I'm chilled.
Psycho bastard!
Sorry.
You've only got one mom.
Remember that.
Fucker!
Fuck!
Shit!
Fuck!
Shit!
How long have you been up?
This was your dad's, weren't it?
Seat's totally gone.
New suite would change the look of this room like that.
Hang on. Hang on.
When did we enter the fucking twilight zone?
One night, I said, until you sort something out,
and you've already been here two.
Don't push it. - Yeah.
But I can't stay at Nana's.
Not my problem.
Craig, I've got nowhere to go.
I haven't forgotten the way you like it.
Well, then you've got a pretty good memory.
What the fuck are you playing at?
I'm not playing.
Christ sakes!
Three years we didn't shag while we shared this house,
and now, all of a sudden, you've decided you fancy me again?
I know you've got no self-respect,
but this is really low.
I could do, though, you know.
Haven't got laid in a while.
But I'd still kick you out afterwards.
Well, come on.
How about it?
Something for nothing for a change?
You bastard.
Didn't think so.
Marty makes me cum like a train.
Oh, really?
Well, at least everybody's got to be good at something,
don't he?
He's a disaster in every other way.
Fuck you, Craig!
For your information, Marty--
you don't know the first thing about Marty, OK?
So you just sit on your dad's settee and judge the world,
if it makes you feel better.
The hours must fly by.
[moaning]
Oh, I forgot.
Reference numbers have come for--
for the flight and hotel and that.
You don't get tickets anymore.
You just turn up at airport.
Oh, and Yvonne was saying we're best
taking our own teabags 'cause tea's really shit over there.
What's up?
Nothing.
You've gone--
It's hardly erotic, is it?
Talking about teabags when I'm trying to give you one.
Do you want me--
Oh, no, you're all right.
It's like trying to put a slug in a slot machine,
to be honest.
- What's going on, Kev? - Nothing.
I'm just knackered.
Double shift and babysitting Marty all night.
Don't give me that.
It were the same the other morning.
It's not guilt, is it?
You're not slipping it someone else?
No!
It's nothing like that.
Well, what?
Flying, OK?
I've got a fear of flying.
And every time I think about it or you talk about it,
I get fucking limp.
It's a Phobia Veronica!
Fuck off, you jessie!
Fear of flying!
[cackling]
There isn't an antidote, Mr. Gallagher.
You're shitting me.
Well Well, the drug isn't toxic.
Though, clearly, you have had some sort of extreme reaction.
I'm afraid you'll just have to wait for it
to clear your system.
How would you describe your reaction?
It's like everything's, you know, real.
Have a word, mate?
What's going on?
Sue?
Fucking bitch!
We need him to come down station
to answer a few questions.
What you on about?
What's he supposed to have done?
There's been an arson attack on the precinct
down Adelaide Way.
Adelaide Way?
Yeah.
One of the shops got burnt out.
All the hallmarks, I'm afraid.
Well, go on.
Tell them. - Tell us what?
What?
He's been in Preston with me since yesterday.
Only came back for a change of clothes.
It's me nana.
Suspected stroke.
When's it supposed to have happened, the fire?
Sometime yesterday evening.
Well, I don't see how.
We took it in turn to hold Nana's
hand all through the night.
Not that she knew we were there, bless her,
but it brought her a bit of comfort.
I can give you the number of the hospital if you want to check.
It's St. Catherine's.
No, you're all right, love. Sorry, Marty.
Fucking pigs!
I said to Tony straight off, why the fuck would
Marty want to burn down a Poverty
Action shop in the first place?
Fuck it!
Hey, brand new, that.
We're not made of money.
I really appreciate it, you know, you trying
to torch the debt place for me.
I didn't do it for you, did I?
I did it for me, seeing you'd run out
and left me in the shit.
But I'm back now, aren't I, eh?
I just needed a bit of time to sort me head out.
Don't!
Marty, can't we Start again?
Clean slate?
I know we've still got debt, but I
just want to put things right.
No point, is there?
You've gone too far, all the lying.
We're finished, you and me.
Massive hard-on!
Right.
Yard sale.
We'll shift all this lot in no time.
Debbie, you're with me.
Sorry, I'm off out.
OK.
Everyone else, then, start tagging it up.
Price it as high as you can.
People just think it's shit if you
try to shift it for nothing.
Well, come on.
Get a move-on.
Right, I'll do it all myself, then.
Marty.
[meowing]
Where did that come from?
Yard sale?
After all she's landed on you, you think selling a few bits
and bobs will sort it?
You're even softer in the head than I thought.
It's hard to believe, seeing you treat me like the world's
biggest fucking retard.
Fuck!
If you're having her back, Marty, I wash my hands of you.
I really do.
Well, I am having her back, Mom.
And if you've got anything else to say about it,
you can say it outside this house, right?
Fact, you can pack your bags, OK?
Fuck off and die! We don't want you here.
Hello, cheeky chops!
Hello.
Nigel.
There's more in the pot, if you want.
You have been busy.
Eh, now we've got a minute, we can go through that stuff
my sister sent me the wedding.
You know, flowers?
Oh, what am I on about?
These are the wedding invitations.
Replied.
Coming.
Replied.
Not coming.
Ooh, abusive.
We don't have to go through these yet.
Wouldn't it be terrible if we forgot someone?
Sheila, you're a very damaged woman.
You live in a fantasy world half the time.
You have to take a lorryload of tablets just
to get downstairs in the morning.
Why on earth you adding to your trouble by marrying me?
Eh?
Mr. Right?
I mean, if I'm the answer, what's
the fucking question, eh?
I'm a waster, Sheila.
Always have been, always will be.
And you can chuck as many vol-au-vents
as you like at it, love, but it's not exactly
made in fucking heaven, is it?
I never said vol-au-vents.
I never ordered vol-au-vents.
Why here?
Oh, fuck off.
Change of scenery.
Spice things up a bit, hm?
Are you all right?
[airplane soaring overhead]
Get off!
Fucking hell, Veronica!
What are you playing at?
Where you going?
It's what they do with phobias, isn't it?
Do you remember that program?
Like putting spiders on your arm when
you're frightened of spiders.
I'm not frightened of spiders!
I'm frightened of them up there!
Yeah, I know! But--
No! No buts!
It's not natural!
They fucking crash!
They fucking crash.
We'll lose our 100 pound deposit!
I suppose you could ask your cousin Dave about his caravan.
Can I get you a drink, Frank?
That's very kind, Carol.
I'll have an orange juice.
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, well.
It's like shagging with a johnny on.
Course, it suits the pharmaceutical industries
to develop tools to control the masses, to deny them pleasure.
They'd put it in the water if they could.
Then once they've sterilized the lot of us--
eh?
Not that I'd say no at this point.
I always though you talked shite because you were pissed.
No Sheila tonight, Frank?
Nah.
I've blown it, haven't I, with Sheila?
Said things that were better left unsaid.
Well, you better make it right again.
Bed, board, and someone to keep you company,
you shouldn't knock it.
I've never knocked it, have I?
I've just had enough of all this wedding shite.
Well, you're not getting any younger, Frank.
None of us are.
Mark my words, it's no joke being on your own at my age.
No.
'Cause they stick you in a home, in front
of the telly with a pair of incontinence pants on.
Never see them from one Christmas to the next.
Slice of turkey roll once a year-- that's the only thing
you've got to look forward to.
And they have to cut it up for you
because they won't let you have your teeth in case you choke.
Smell of piss.
Bloke in the chair opposite, sat there, trembling.
"Home and Away" on full volume.
Thanks, Carol, love.
I will have a word.
Where the settee?
Someone gave us 100 quid for it.
Still only made shy of 700 quid.
Drop in the ocean, really.
Oh, you do surprise me.
I've got a proposition to put to you, as it happens.
I've been onto the Citizens Advice.
There's something called an Individual
Voluntary Arrangement.
They take care of your creditors,
and you pay them back as much as you can.
Yeah, we've already been down that road, ta.
You've got cancellation rights.
It's in the papers you signed.
28 days to change your mind.
So we're back to square one?
Marty is.
You're still 12,000 pounds in the red.
This individual thingummy, it's all
kosher, reasonable interest, but you need security.
And I'm offering to stand it for you.
You?
What with?
My house.
The one Marty burned down.
Well, they built it again.
Finished in April.
Got a good set of tenants in it.
Why?
You hate my guts.
You stay with Marty, five years,
and I'll have a place to live.
Yeah, but Carol, you just said you've got a house.
No.
It's lonely on your own.
Five years. I'll stay with you.
You stay with Marty.
Marty stays out of trouble.
And then I get a credit rating again?
Like nothing's happened.
But you can't have a credit card while you're paying it off.
But Marty could, right?
Can I finger you?
What's up with him?
I don't fancy him.
So?
So I don't fancy him.
You don't fancy anyone.
You're right weird, you.
[belches]
[cheering]
CHOIR (SINGING): Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
[door closing]
Hallelujah!
Frank Gallagher is back in the room!
Sheila, my love, my bride-to-be.
Frank!
CHOIR (SINGING): Hallelujah!
Pasta bake all right?
Great.
My turn on the rota.
Cheers.
Marty, make room for your mom, will you?
DEBBIE: Watch out.
It's a bit hot.
That looks delicious.
Where are the kittens?
Oh, I flogged them with the rest of my stuff.
Got a fiver for each of them.
This looks lovely.
Carol.
Here you go, Marty.
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): They say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family, which is
a total no-brainer, obviously.
But if you could choose your family,
I reckon you wouldn't choose anyone different.
Because if you did, and everything was all perfect,
who could you blame when things went wrong?
And that's got to be crap.
Bucket of spunk!
I was married before.
He's buried in the garden.
Leave me patio alone!
Fucking hell.
Party!
VERONICA: It's your wedding day.
If you're not going to marry her, you have got to tell her.
Fuck me.
[music playing]
Today, we'll be cruising at an altitude of 50,000 feet.
In the unlikely event of an emergency,
the exits are located to the rear of the plane.
KEV: Bitch.
I heard that.