[music playing]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate
is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a gold home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who
I'm proud of because every single one of them
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Philip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the others
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl.
We darent let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love it.
Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus lickle Liam, who's going to be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbors Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well almost anything.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in life
is they know how to throw a party!
[laughs]
Scatter!
[music playing]
SHEILA (VOICEOVER): I was always a terrible sleeper
before I met Frank.
I used to have a recurring nightmare where I was trapped
in a roll of carpet when I was due to turn
on the Christmas lights in Copenhagen,
home of the Little Mermaid.
It's such a lovely story, the Little Mermaid.
She loved the prince so much she agrees to lose her voice
so she could marry him.
Anyway, since Frank and I have been an item,
I haven't had the nightmare once.
I like to think it stopped because once I'd met Frank,
all my dreams have come true.
Well, almost all.
The only thing I've got left to dream about
is the day I say "I do."
I've put the truncheon on a boil wash.
[gasps]
[explosion]
[glass breaking]
Oh, fucking Countdown.
Don't be long, babe.
[music playing]
What the fuck you doing there?
Out of supplies.
Bingo.
Those are mine, actually.
Fuck off.
Expiry date, June, '06.
I don't think so.
OK, from now on, it's a two-slice limit on toast.
That's per person.
Otherwise, the bread budget's just a big joke.
[moaning]
Hello?
Yeah, more toast, huh?
What are you doing sleeping outside?
Ask Carl.
You had a fight?
Only with himself.
Oi!
Good night, Carl.
Surprised you got a wink of sleep.
CAROL: Burn!
Shit!
Fire!
CAROL: Bloody hell!
Fire!
Oi!
What was that in aid of?
I'm sorry, Carol.
I-- I just reacted.
I thought it were Marty.
Fuck are you burning?
Memories.
Suit of my dead husband, betrayed from beyond the grave.
Man-made fiber, drip dry.
Shall I make you a coffee, or will I
be disturbing a crime scene?
I know what it's like in CSI?
It's OK, Sheila.
So have you had a chance to sort out what's missing?
That's the funny thing.
I don't know if they were disturbed or-- oh!
Oh, my God!
They've taken my Countdown mug!
[sobbing]
Oh, bloody hell. (LOUDER) Oh, bloody hell!
Well, he definitely came in the bedroom.
Looks like he tried to disguise himself and all.
Oh, no. That's mine.
Fucking idiot.
If you left that thing out, I'd probably
thought it was a truncheon.
That's funny.
You've just broken my dream.
Oh, Tony, love.
It's an easy mistake to make.
For me, you mean.
It's no wonder girls--
women-- don't fancy us.
It's like they smell it on me, Sheila.
It's no joke at my age, is it?
Oh.
[music playing]
Thieves!
Hi.
All right, Carol.
Looks like your Marty's getting on OK.
Suits a uniform, doesn't he?
Carol, what's wrong?
You of all people.
Stay away from me.
MAN (ON RADIO): Shoplifter, aisle two, beige coat, female.
Roger, received.
Proceeding to aisle two.
Carol! What's wrong?
What is it?
Her.
Carol!
You sure?
Fuck!
She don't look like someone who'd--
Stop her!
Carol?
Carol!
What are you doing, Marty?
Let go of me!
Keep hold of her!
For the love of God, Marty, I haven't done anything!
Mom!
Shoplifter!
You!
Well, they're not pressing charges.
Five pots of Chicken Tonight and a lemon zester.
What were you playing at, mom?
I suppose it's too much to expect a little moral support
from your own flesh and blood.
It was Marty's first day.
When did he ever keep a job for more than 5 minutes?
Anyway, if you're looking for somebody to blame, blame her.
Penny to a pound it was her that tipped off the manager.
Lillian?
She's your best mate.
Why would she do a thing like that?
I found it in the pocket of that suit of your dad's.
Christ.
You always said you thought he were
dipping his wick Jubilee year.
Yeah, but with what's her name.
Terrible teeth.
You were too young to remember.
We were as thick as thieves, Veronica.
Lillian and Brendan and me and your dad.
Oh, mom.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm not one to sit idly by.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap, you mark my words.
Yes, hello.
I'd like to report someone for benefit fraud.
Chatsworth Estate, Meadow Bank Road.
Yes, that's right.
Number 28.
[music playing]
Fucking scum.
Benefit fraud?
Who do they think they're having on, eh?
That's Big Brother, isn't it?
Orwell, "1984."
Sex crime!
Course, poor bugger'd know all about that.
George Orwell, real name Eric Blair.
Lifelong socialist, so no relation to Tony.
3.95, Frank.
It's the thin end of the wedge, you know.
Kev, what is it?
It's roots to whatchamacallit.
If you drive a wedge into the community,
you can do what you like.
It's how Hitler started.
They're after Lillian now.
Fucking twat.
Some cunt called in, didn't they?
Looked at that poster and thought,
I know, I'll fuck her up.
Why?
[coughs]
All right, mom?
Peanuts.
Keep repeating on me again.
Should've known better.
They're not even paying!
Is that what it's come to?
Cause if it is, fucking Bin Laden's won, hasn't he?
Agincourt, Dunkirk, Live Aid.
Bomb the lot, may as well start again.
I hear there's a push on.
It's not just them posters, Frank.
They're not relying on anybody calling
in, as if anybody would.
Well, yeah.
No, apparently they're looking into everyone
around here who's claiming.
Well, I'm fucked, then.
You and half the fucking Estate.
We're all fucked.
[chatter]
Where did you hear that then, mom?
Down the Community Center.
As soon as you can, yeah.
You're not a bit worried, Frank?
Plight of the common man, mate.
It's never over till the fat lady fucks you over.
Anyway, fuckers can't get me, can they?
I'm dead.
Yeah, but haven't you and Lillian
been claiming for her Brendan?
Waste of money, that was.
Went down like a fucking lead balloon.
[music playing]
Oh-ho!
Right, guys.
Half the Estate are scamming it.
They're ours for the taking.
Fucking parasites.
MAN: Fit then?
Let's go.
Let's knock on every door.
DEBBIE: Carl!
It's Mrs. Pierce for you.
What's she want?
Can you ask her what she wants?
When did your last slave die off?
Christ alive, Carl. What have they been feeding you?
Baby Bio?
We've had a call from the Social.
- Another one? - I know.
I thought we'd sorted it out last time you were around.
Can you come, love?
Yeah, whatever.
Still a tenner, is it?
[music playing]
[knocks on door]
Now then, can you confirm that there
is a child under 18 permanently resident at your address, 26
Meadowbank Road?
Yes, we can.
And that you are the parent or approved
guardian of that child?
Last time we looked, eh, dad?
That's a yes, then.
And you are currently claiming child benefit
for Nathan Andrew Pierce?
That's correct.
He's a big lad for 10, isn't he, Nathan?
Don't know where it came from, do we, dad?
New pair of trainers every five minutes.
[music playing]
Yep, that's secure.
Hey, you done a good job there, Sheila.
They won't be bothering you again.
Taught myself to be handy with the power tool.
Never looked back, really.
Never really got into DIY myself.
I'm too quick, right?
It's like I'm in there, and I'm trying to stop meself.
You know, think of, I don't know,
all the teams ever managed by Graeme Souness,
or think of fucking Graeme Souness.
But it's like being in a road accident, and I mean,
I'm flooring the brakes, but nothing's stopping me.
And then, yeah, through the windscreen, gone in 60 seconds.
Oh.
Five if I'm lucky.
No one's exactly coming back for more.
Oh, Tony, love.
Squeeze technique works like a charm.
Eddie-- you know, Karen's dad--
he was a 10-second wonder when we first got together.
And you're practically family, aren't you?
Better now.
That's better.
That's right.
[moans] Ah!
Fucking hell, Sheila!
Oh, Sorry!
Sorry.
Don't know me own strength.
Oh.
You OK?
Yeah, OK.
I got Eddie up to a good five minutes
before he had to move into the spare room.
Now that was a wedding that should never have been.
I knew the moment I woke up on the day.
Locum had to come and give me an injection
to see me through the vows.
You could see on the video, I thought I'd married the vicar.
Oh!
[laughs]
Sorry, sorry.
Lapse of concentration.
Never mind, it's a polyester blend.
Chuck it in the wash.
There you go.
All right.
[music playing]
You say you're the landlord.
Mock up the rent book, and they can't do you
for housing benefits, right?
Nice one.
It'll just be a minute.
It's cash in advance. - Oh, Carl.
I told Emily you'd be her brother.
They got a visit around there, yeah.
They paying?
Fuck off, she's me girlfriend.
It's a favor.
I don't mind.
Next?
Now we've been claiming for our dad.
Cheers, Lillian, love.
We'll soon set the buggers right, eh?
Don't mind me borrowing your husband, do you, Sheila?
- Course you can. - Dinner time tomorrow, then.
He's not, anyway.
My husband, that is.
Twisted fuckers are trying to catch you out.
See, if we eat together.
I'll get a bit of ham in.
Oh!
Hey, I knew I was right to marry you.
Ta-ra!
No Spam!
I don't think I like it, Frank.
Dead man's shoes.
Terms and conditions, Sheila.
I mean, I've been getting half of Brendan's disability.
It's the least I can do, isn't it?
This doesn't feel right to me, though, cracking on
that you're married.
It's like tempting fate.
So, Miss, um, Jackson.
You've been reported as working behind
the bar here while claiming unemployment
benefit and housing benefit?
Yeah.
Well, she helps me out from time to time, don't you, honey?
That's all.
I mean, wouldn't your girlfriend do the same for you?
Well, if she did and we were living together,
she'd be unable to claim benefit.
Under current regulations, I'd be
ashamed to be supporting her.
Well, it's not our problem that society won't
recognize our relationship.
We know how we feel.
Don't we, Karen, love?
[music playing]
Oh, hi.
Mom!
He's here!
[voices on tv]
You got to be Dom, me brother, yeah.
The one with the ASBO.
He lives in Stockport with me dad,
but they think he lives with us.
This is mom, me stepdad Troy.
Lip's little brother. - Hiya, love.
[beeping] - Yeah, that.
That is so shit.
Sounds all right to me.
Yeah?
No, I can't for a bit.
No, I'll text you.
All right.
It's a piece of shit.
I totally fucking hate it.
Saw this 3G mobile that just got in when I was in town.
It's that lush, dead light, tinier, thin,
but really got picture quality.
Makes yours look like a fucking piece of shit, Troy.
Better start saving up, then, hadn't you?
- Will you tell him? - Don't wind her up, Troy.
Have you asked him if he wants a cappuccino?
No, I'm all right, thanks.
Fuck you looking at?
[music playing] - Thanks very much.
Thank you.
[music playing]
Cheers, Shirley.
Ta very much.
See you later, Emily!
[door slams]
[music playing]
It's 3G, yeah.
Where's the video bit?
I'll only charge you a tenner for it.
What you roping our Carl in for, Smeggy?
Nothing.
I was helping him with his homework.
Yeah.
Listen, tell Debbie I won't be in later.
I said I'd do a rent book.
Going around Emily's.
Hello!
Brendan Tyler lives!
Mind out me floor!
[knock on door]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Dive, dive, dive.
Wish me luck, babes.
What's he wearing all that for?
Outside! Outside!
Shoes on me floor!
Oh, right.
Lillian was round this morning.
Frank's asked for some photos of her.
Can you relax your grip a bit?
Do you want to see why?
Yeah.
Sheila, it's a bit tight.
I reckon it's for the Social.
To add authenticity, Frank says.
Makes you think, though, don't it?
Made me think, anyway, seeing it.
He's never asked me, you know, Tony.
That should be me there.
It should be me!
Ah!
Sheila!
Ah!
I'm sorry.
It's just it would be the happiest day of my life.
Well, maybe you should talk to Frank about it, you know?
Tell him how you feel.
I don't know, pop the question yourself.
Oh, no.
It's a man's job to propose, isn't it?
Hey!
Minute and a half.
That's a lot better.
OK, you ready?
Ready?
Now!
[moaning]
See?
Much better.
Emily, I really wanted to, um--
yeah, I found this on a--
I really wanted to give it to you--
For Christ's sake, Carl, give it a rest, will you?
I wasn't doing owt.
Sooner you get yourself laid, right, sooner I
can get a proper night's sleep.
What's her name?
Jason Digby's sister.
She'll suck anybody off.
Yeah, right.
Even Jason Digby's sister is not that fucking desperate.
I weren't doing owt.
[music playing]
I, um, wanted to give it you.
The isn't a video bit.
Just got an upgrade.
Jada might give you a fiver for it.
Give me!
I want a turn!
It's mine!
Come on!
You can't just fucking barge in here.
We're looking for Tom Lawson.
Don't you lot ever talk to each other?
We've sorted all this out, haven't we, Troy?
Your son is here, Mrs. Lawson?
You're looking at him.
Now what's you fucking problem?
Fuck's that?
Condition of your bail, Dominic.
Bail!
What you on about?
Maybe if you bothered to turn up
for the hearing, Mrs. Lawson--
Don't start on me, you sanctimonious old twat!
Since the ASBO's clearly failed to control your son
and he's now been charged with a crime,
the court's taken the decision to tag him.
Make sure he stays at home.
You're mental, you are.
They keep them things of like months.
Yeah, but Dom'll be back next week, won't he?
Went to one of them Slavic countries with his dad,
picking up some knock-off DVDs.
Hang on.
Ellerby Road.
- And? - Not allowed.
Tag'll go off.
[music playing]
DEBBIE: What if the tag does off?
Cops will come and get me.
I'm supposed to stay at Emily's and ring them
so they can check up on me.
Dream come true.
What's that supposed to mean?
You fancy Emily, don't you?
Fuck off!
You're a fuck.
Lip'll break up with her in a few weeks.
He always does, or they chuck him.
Bet you anything.
Thing is, though, a girl like Emily,
I mean, learn to drive before you
set your heart on a Ferrari.
Do you think I need a car?
In the end, right, there's either
chemistry or there isn't.
It's all to do way you smell.
They've tested it on chimps.
Where the fuck are we?
[beeping]
Shit!
[beeping]
Frank!
Sheila!
Come over here!
- I think you're wanted. - Huh?
Come over here.
Come on.
You all right, love?
I got your money.
[laughs]
Married for 40 years, never a cross fucking word.
[laughs]
Sheila?
Sheila!
I don't have to sit there and have my face
rubbed in it, Frank Gallagher.
She's not paying me.
Well, it's got nowt to do with you.
No, because I'm nothing, I suppose.
Just your bit on the side.
Course you are!
What, you don't think I'm--
what, Lillian and me?
Fuck off!
This is 20/20 vision, Sheila.
Eh?
And I'm in sound mind.
For fuck's sake, sort yourself out, will you!
I'm sorry.
Hey, look, come on.
You know you shouldn't mix your drinks.
I'm sorry.
I know you'd never be unfaithful.
No.
I trust you with my life.
It's just all that being married stuff, having
it thrown back in my face.
I know I shouldn't say it, but if I
just had a ring on my finger.
Sheila, love.
You know-- fucking hell--
you know there is nothing I would like more than to call
you Mrs. Frank Gallagher.
I don't know, no.
But yeah.
[laughs nervously]
But no, no.
Because you're still married to, you know, Eddie the owl.
I'm still married to Monica.
Plus there's the being dead thing.
We're star-crossed.
The love that dare not speak its name.
No, I mean, I don't blame you.
Ahhh!
Does me head in.
There's not a day goes by--
yeah?
But the-- you know, I love you to bits, you know that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
I just thought, you know, because you never asked.
[door squeaking]
Sheila Jackson, will you do me the honor of being my wife?
To have and to hold, for richer and poorer,
and all that other shite, till death do us part?
Yes!
Oh, Frank!
Frank!
I love you so much.
Yeah, yeah, but Monica's a mad Catholic bitch.
You know, she'll never let us go.
Let's go and tell everyone!
The Lord will sit in judgement, Lillian Tyler!
Early menopause my ass!
[shouting]
Something he couldn't get at home?
Carol!
The way I suffered with my piles over Veronica!
Carol!
That was told in confidence!
It was the '70s!
Calm down!
[shouting]
May as well leave it for now, eh?
[shouting]
[beeping]
You know, I can't say I'm overly
impressed with the espresso.
All right, Carl, love.
I've put your duvet down in Harley's room.
When do you have to ring in again?
Midnight, then 7:00.
What's going on?
I texted Lip three times this afternoon.
Where the fuck is he?
I haven't seen him for two days.
Don't know.
Said he'd come round here last night.
Oh, he's probably got another lass on the go.
That's not fucking funny.
All right.
I was only having a laugh.
How sensitive.
Always been like that, haven't you, chick?
Must've got it wrong about Lip coming around.
Weren't really listening.
You know, we really do appreciate this.
Don't we, Emily?
[door slamming]
I can see you looking, Lip.
Don't know why blokes think you can't.
Sorry.
Only, um, I thought you're supposed to get right big tits
when you've had a baby. - Fuck off.
She's on bottles.
Breast feeding's better.
You do it, then.
Hurts like fuck.
Not natural, is it?
You can come back and see her, you know.
Just didn't want to wake her up.
She has an eppie every time I put her in a buggy.
You're all right.
I've got to, uh--
I said I'd go see someone, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Still on with Emily Lawson, then?
It just, well, suits us both.
We don't talk at all.
To be honest, I think she finds me a bit boring.
Don't knock her up and All
I might have learned my lesson on that one.
[music playing]
The UB673.
You need to take a whole afternoon for that one.
You can see where the biro run out.
Replaced by UB96.
Mrs. Jackson, I could see you've kept excellent records,
really excellent.
I'm satisfied everything's in order at your end.
Is there anything you'd like to ask me?
As a matter of fact, how would notifying
you of a change in my circumstances
affect my eligibility to claim--
[thumping]
--if I were to get married?
[thumping]
WOMAN (ON RADIO): Tony, come in, please.
Domestic at 12 Minton Way.
Tony, come in, please.
Yeah, I'll be there in 10, over.
[footsteps]
Neighborhood watch.
[siren]
Don't let Debbie see you.
She's talking about One bowl per family member per day.
You bastard!
Is this an ambush?
I saw you with that skank, Mandy Maguire!
So what?
That's who you've been seeing, isn't it?
Huh? - Seeing?
Yeah.
You're a fucking disgrace, you are.
What's it got to do with you, twat head?
You're supposed to be going out with Emily.
The only reason I'm seeing Mandy is to see my kid.
It's got nothing to do with Emily.
Didn't see you with the baby today, though.
Why did you lie you was going around Emily's if you've
been out shagging Mandy?
Why you keeping it a secret if it's just what you said?
Fuck off.
Hiya.
I've been waiting ages for you.
Thought you could help me with me maths.
I mean it!
[laughs]
[moaning]
[music on tv]
LIP: Yeah!
CARL (VOICEOVER): Dear-- fuck!
Um, I really want you to-- no, no, no.
I, um--
Dear-- dear Em--
[beeping]
Oh, God!
Shit!
[beeping]
[music playing]
[beeping] Got to to the tag!
Fuck's sake, let go, will you?
She's ringing the fucking ambulance!
Fuck you do that for?
He knew.
I told him, Emily.
No fucking strikes in this house!
You touch another woman, that's it!
You're out!
You didn't have to fucking kill him!
Oh, shit!
Mom, you know he'd never look at another woman.
Then why have we got crabs in the house, eh?
Someone's been shagging around, Emily, and it's not me!
- Yeah, but-- - It's Lip.
[lip groaning]
Lip's been shagging around.
Fuck's sake.
Sheila!
Fuck's this?
They've updated all their records, Frank.
What?
Mr. Anastasiou was ever so helpful.
He said he'd rectify whatever possible.
Rectify?
Everything.
All your benefits.
And they're all backdated.
Look!
Fucking-- fucking massive!
Top girl!
Fuck me.
Pennies from fucking heaven!
[laughs]
I've been on to the registry office.
They say we've got to give them six
weeks notice to post in advance, but we don't
have to have the do there.
But that's all right.
I was thinking the Gormley Hotel.
They always do such a lovely buffet.
Yeah, hang on.
Rewind.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Oh, Frank, Eddie's agreed to a divorce.
[laughs nervously]
Yeah.
But last I heard, you didn't even have an address for him.
Tony gave me a hand.
The DVLC computer.
Eddie's happy to sign any papers we want, so that's him.
You're alive, and then there's just Monica.
Surely, Monica wouldn't get in the way
of our happiness, Frank.
Yeah, but you know, she's a complex character, Monica.
But she can't stand in our way, Frank!
She can't!
[glass braking]
Fucking hell, Sheila!
Where's the fucking--
[crying] Oh, Frank!
Hang on. Jesus!
Look.
Look, I'll get on the bus and go over there now.
Yeah? Do it in person.
You know, seize the nettle.
[sobbing]
- Sheila, love-- - Frank, please.
I'm onto it.
Frank?
Frank--
[door closing]
All them years.
What's a fucking piece of paper?
You can't just--
Marriage is a solemn state entered
into by a man and a woman.
State!
Yeah, yeah.
For the fucking state.
Cogs in the fucking wheels.
Plus, the whole thing costs a fucking mint!
Keeps it all going, doesn't it?
Yeah, it's an industry.
Classic.
I do, you're fucked.
And all the talking.
[music playing]
What have you been saying to our Emily?
Fuck all.
I just said her boyfriend's a scally.
Well, he fucking is, isn't he?
You haven't been using them towels on the landing,
have you? - I had a shower.
I put 'em out for a boil wash.
They must be crawling.
You can tell your brother he's fucking dead, right.
And he can pay for the stuff from the fucking
chemist and all.
[music playing]
I'm really sorry, Emily.
It's just, Lip, he deserves a twatting.
I tried telling him.
I mean, he should be someone who does stuff for you,
gives you all the presents and stuff.
You're gorgeous, and I know you like
understand stuff about people, because you
feel things, like what I do.
There's all this stuff I could talk to you about.
Stuff in me head.
Yeah, Carl, can you just fuck off?
Who's he?
Push off, will you?
And tell him not to bother calling me again, yeah?
[music playing]
[beeping]
[beeping stops]
Your brother at home, then, Carl?
Troy!
Troy, it weren't Lip!
It were Emily!
Troy!
Fuck it!
You can't!
Stop!
Tory, stop!
It weren't him!
It was Emily with the crabs!
She's a slag!
She's been shagging another lad, a lad with a car.
She's a slag.
You calling my missus's lass a slut?
She's a fucking slag!
No!
Stop it!
What are you doing?
Leave him alone!
Fuck off out of it, love.
I said leave him alone.
And I said fuck off before you get hurt.
It's none of your fucking business.
I'm warning you, if you don't fuck off now,
I'm calling me dad.
And who's your dad, love?
Patrick fucking Maguire?
That's right.
Mandy McGuire.
Suppose if he's not around, one of my brothers might be free.
No.
No, you're all right.
Sorry.
Sorry, love.
[music playing]
You never learn, do you?
I didn't do owt.
Somebody's told him I'm shagging around.
Fucking little asswipe!
I thought you were shagging Mandy!
Knock off!
Even if I did, I can't believe you'd
land me in the shit like that!
Makes a change from you landing everyone else in it!
Hey, hey, hey! Come on!
You could have fucking killed me!
I thought you'd given everyone crabs.
What?
Lip gave Carl crabs?
[baby crying]
[door opening]
Oh, you must have known.
I was just beginning to worry about by tagine.
They say you can't overcook a braise, but there are limits.
I thought we'd have a little celebration.
Tell me if I'm being over the top.
But you can't be over the top for a wedding.
I've got my heart set on a croque en gouche
instead of a fruit cake.
Look, spun sugar all over.
Some people are intimidated by choux pastry,
but actually, it's quite straightforward.
She wasn't in.
Monica.
They were both out, as it happens.
I see.
It's all right.
Try again tomorrow.
We've got all the time in the world, haven't we?
I know, Frank.
I may be stupid, but I'm not blind.
No.
Yeah, right.
I do know.
To tell you the truth, if I was you,
I'm not sure I'd want to marry me either.
I thought just this once.
You know what I'm like.
Had it on my school report once.
If Sheila had her head in her books
as much as she does it in the clouds,
she'd be top of the class.
Never felt like day dreaming.
Just felt like I was waiting for something.
I never knew what.
Then you came along, and I knew.
I knew just like that.
Sorry.
There's a raspberry pannacotta in the fridge if you got room.
It's nicest if you bring it up to room temperature.
I'm a bit shattered.
[sobbing]
[sheila sobbing]
MAN (ON PHONE): Yeah, hello?
Hello, Shre-- Norm, hello.
MAN (ON PHONE): No!
Frank.
Frank Gallagher.
MAN (ON PHONE): What the fuck? What did you just call me?
Don't start.
MAN (ON PHONE): No, what did you just call
me, you lanky string of piss?
What do you want?
Can I have a word with Monica?
MAN (ON PHONE): Oh, for fuck's sake.
Here you go, fellas.
No, put your money away.
All drinks are on Frank Gallagher.
It's real diamonette.
Unique design.
See how the stones catch the light
giving it an extra dimension.
Did you get off QVC?
Yes!
Frank said I could take my pick.
It's gorgeous.
Look.
Fuck me.
Look at him, will you.
Bit weird, isn't it?
I mean, mom and dad getting a divorce.
Compared to what?
Crop circles?
Dad living with Sheila?
Mom and Norman?
Yeah, I know, but now they're never
going to get back together.
(SINGING) Hey, did you happen to see the most
beautiful girl in the world.
And if you did, was she crying?
Normal service has resumed.
Fortunately.
Me mom shagged me Uncle Roy at me Auntie Cath's funeral.
I reminded her.
Well, it sort of put him in his place, you know?
Me dad's shagging Lillian.
It was like he's retaliating.
We're pulling out.
Had a call, Head office has costed it out.
We're paying you a lot more than when we started.
My number's on there.
You can, you know, bring your friend.
Oh, what are you expecting?
A pillow fight?
Don't do us any favors, you spineless little prick.
We're dykes, not fucking wank fodder for pathetic little
twats like you!
Go home to your internet, eh?
Oh, and by the way, my cock's twice the size of yours.
MAN: You tell him, Jez!
[cheers and applause]
Kev.
Bonny kiddie.
Takes after her dad.
You know, Philip?
Philip?
It's a very special feeling.
Yeah, everyone says that.
No, I don't mean the kiddie.
That's bollocks.
I mean it's a very special feeling you have for the mother
of your children.
I've only got one so far.
Not quite in your league.
Yeah, well, whatever happens, they
can't take that away from you.
You know, them feelings.
It's like, you know, it's in your bones.
It's like when cancer spreads, and they
give up on the fucking chemo.
Oh, Frank, come and have a dance.
Come on.
[slow song playing]
I love you so much.
Come on, love.
SHEILA (VOICEOVER): That night in the Jockey,
I felt like the Queen.
Sheila Gallagher.
Just sounds right, doesn't it?
Like it was meant to be.
Hey, Kev.
Long time, no see.
Roxy Ball?
She signed herself Ball?
We are still married, Vee.
You poisonous fucking bitch!
[shouting]
Does the sight of my penis really upset you that much?
How long was she in prison?
Oh, a few years.
GBH.
Come on, then!
I'll kill the fucking lot of you!
Starting with her!
[music playing]
[moaning]
Oh, for the love of Christ, Tony, just come, will you?