[music playing]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now nobody's saying that Chatsworth
Estate is the Garden of Eden.
But it's been a good home to us-- to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of.
Because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they have me to thank for. - Run.
Run for it. - Quick.
Leg it. - Move, Lip.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
nobody calls a Philip anymore.
Ian, a like his mom, which is handy for the others,
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons--
one, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah; two,
nits love it.
Dad.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Debbie-- sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of the way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam-- gonna be a star once we've
got the fits under control.
[screams]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set like.
Fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica--
lend you anything-- well, not anything.
But all of them, to a man, know first
and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in this life
is to know how to throw a party.
[laughs] Scatter.
KEV (VOICEOVER): Me dad used to say, never a lender or borrower
be.
Bit rich coming from a bankrupt crackhead.
I wanted to tell him how wrong he was.
Because since the Gallaghers moved next door, we've lent,
they've borrowed, paid back.
Kash for Chatsworth.
KEV (VOICEOVER): The truth is, I like it--
they make a lot of people around here feel needed--
well, better off, anyway.
I haven't done anything wrong.
He a social worker, not a policeman.
He's tried calling at your house a few times with no luck.
[bell rings]
Steve?
Now, Deborah, Mr. Bannister to you.
You can call me Steve when you lot start answering
your front door, deal?
Yeah?
All right sit down.
[sighs] All right.
Deborah Gallagher, you look well enough.
How's the rest of the family?
Really good.
All right, Fiona.
I need you to give her this.
[MUSIC PLAYING - GERRY AND THE PACEMAKERS,
"YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE"]
Thanks for your support.
CROWD: (SINGING) Whoa!
With hope in your heart--
DJ: It's your last chance to buy the winning
ticket for tonight's prize.
CROWD: (SINGING) Never walk alone.
DJ: And tonight's prize is two tickets to this weekend's
Lady Mayoress' Ball.
Don't be shy.
It's black tie.
The lady mayor wants you there.
A bit more ice in this, Jess.
It's getting warm.
Has your Brendan forgotten about you, love?
Forgets his head if it weren't screwed on.
Hey, I once bumped into the fella that wrote this.
It's the Scouse fella.
Rubbish.
It's from "Carousel," this is.
WOMAN: It's Gerry and thingy.
Gerry and the Pacemakers.
Get your facts right, Bo Selecta!
Just ignore him, Lillian, love.
And you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone.
DJ: There you go, the Scouse national anthem.
LIP: Lilian, can I have a word?
IAN: Your Brendan's been knocked down.
Corner of Easton street.
LIP: Sorry to be honest, but it was pretty rough.
The police are looking for you.
Oh, dear God.
- Come on, Lilian. - Oh.
Don't.
I'll go with you.
What the fuck have the police got to do with it?
IAN: Because it was the police van that knocked Brendan over.
He's dead.
Oh, don't say that.
Well, I didn't want to tell her.
Oh, here we go, another one--
telling you for a fact dot com.
And pray, young sir.
How the fuck would you know whether somebody
got a pulse or not if you're shagging
a bird double your age?
Because Brendan's body landed on Ian's side of the street.
But his head landed on Lip's.
Hey. No.
Ooh.
Way too much fucking information.
DJ: Are you ready?
[cheering]
DJ: I can't hear you.
[cheering]
The winner of the cocky jockey, rollover raffle,
for that lucky monkey all-night party at the Lady
Mayoress' Ball is 20--
[breathing heavily] Come on!
--7!
[screams]
DJ: Number 27.
[gasping]
DJ: Have we got a winner?
No. DJ: 27.
SHEILA: I had 27.
Where's me 27?
I had a 27 Who's got me 7?
Who's got me 7?
Where's my-- [screaming]
DJ: Number 27.
Here.
Winner!
[cheering]
We won!
[cheering]
DJ: Who'da thought that, Frank Gallagher.
More jam than Hartley's
DJ: Frank Gallagher.
FRANK: So I just wanted to say that it's
me birthday next week.
[groaning]
Yeah, he's gotta clear the door.
Never been 47 before.
I can't believe it.
47, eh?
I know.
Well this-- I mean, this could not have come at a better time.
It's not an Oscar.
Well, I've been feeling a bit postnatal.
[groaning]
Because I've got eight kids and--
FIONA: You all right, Deb?
[indistinct chatter]
Fiona.
- What's happened? - Nothing.
I just need--
Somewhere out there, there is a god shining light.
What?
Steve's back.
[laughter]
Who's telling you that?
Steve.
I saw him.
He's desperate to meet you.
He came to the school.
Oh.
Hey.
Now, is she having a drink for my birthday, or what?
No, Craig. She's going home.
Well, at least let her have a lager and thingy.
[mumbling]
Craig, do us a favor and--
[kiss]
--keep an eye on the drinks for us before me dad does, yeah?
[zip]
DEBBIE: He tried to contact you at work,
but he didn't know you moved.
I know.
They nursery passed his number on a couple of days back.
Well, you need to ring him.
No, you ring him.
Tell him to stay the fuck away from me, you, or any of us.
[chatter]
Hey, Kev, pint of lager and a very big E.
Yeah, voice down, thanks.
Members of the council are in.
[chatter]
Pint of lager and a very small vowel, if you will.
Vicky.
[mumbles]
MAN: How's it hanging, Bernie.
If we are friends, shouldn't you
have told me that you were going to stand
against me for this ward?
Uh, but we're not, so no need.
Never test your own popularity if you can't stomach
the smell of rotting failure.
Yeah?
Well, best to beat a winner when a winner's
truly beat, which you are.
So go screw yourself, you greedy fat bastard.
Kash is going to trounce you.
Be scared.
Be very scared.
Now fuck off.
Can't believe what you just did.
That was Lilian's ticket.
Aw, fuck off.
All-night party for two.
What's she going to do, take his head?
KEV: Whoa.
I don't know what to say, Mrs. Tyler.
The officer driving the van is going to have to live with this
for the rest of his life.
And his cap managed to stay on?
- I know. - Green trilby.
Yeah.
Surely that's how he'd like to have died, little bit
of his old-fashioned dignity.
Yeah, but not before he turned 65.
That one looks like you.
[laughs]
Any more orders for breakfast?
Say now, or do it yourselves.
No, not for us, Fiona.
Lena's giving us a lift to school.
Me.
Lena's giving me a lift to school.
It's the same school.
What?
You want to watch us fucking, mate?
[horn honking]
Better be out in two minutes.
[mumbles]
Hey.
Are you right in the head?
Shagging a 16-year-old, what's that all about?
It's legal.
Where do you get off telling him what to wear
and taking him to get his hair cut?
You're not his mother.
Neither are you, Fiona.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Fiona likes the way I do my makeup.
I was just giving her a few tips.
[kiss] [kiss]
See ya.
See you later, Fiona.
See you later, Debs.
DEBBIE: See you later.
[sighs]
He wanted me to give you something.
Forget about it, Debbie. I don't want to know.
But you--
Hey.
[baby cooing]
About 11:00, they try and liquidize solids.
Same again for lunch but a bit more lumpy.
They should sleep till about half 6:00.
But if you sing them a bit of Cliff Richard,
slide off for another 10 minutes.
Oh, yeah.
VERONICA: We've got the spare room all sorted.
Are you coming to auntie V and Uncle Kev's for the weekend?
You're gonna love it.
Yes, you are.
SHEILA: I wouldn't ask, but I can't
let the Lady Mayoress down.
Aw.
Big head, little legs.
Which Cliff Richard, Sheila?
Ooh, well, any, apart from "The Millennium Prayer."
If all else fails, sing "Jerusalem,"
and they go out like a pair of candles, don't you?
How's there a God if his head ends up
that far away from his boots?
Come again.
Don't actually register Brendan's death
with the town hall.
How can I not?
It's in all the papers.
Yeah, but only the next of kin has the authority
to actually register the death.
And I'm saying, don't.
I turn up and sign for his benefits, 80 quid a week.
We'll split it 60/40 in my favor.
What have you got to lose?
60%
Yeah.
But I mean, you know, Brendan, God bless him and all that.
He's neither use nor fucking ornament to you now, is he?
I will struggle without his money.
Yeah.
So what's Buddhism all about if it's
not forcing the dead to behave like they're still here, eh?
Well, you have to take Sadie off me hands.
Sadie?
[whistles] Sadie.
[whistles]
[whimpers]
I hate the thing.
Every time we had sex, it used to howl to be let out.
Nearly wrecked our marriage.
So anyway, nobody is more of a dog person than me, Lilian.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
Ta-ra, Frank.
Come on, Sadie.
Who's a beauty?
Meat.
Sack.
Meat.
Sack.
Come on.
Come on, Scooby-fucking-doo.
[yipping]
[howls]
[splash]
(SINGING) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.
[humming]
What are you up to, you?
What have you done to that bag?
Caught in a fence.
CAROL: Likely story.
That's been burned.
An electric fence.
[sirens]
[bell rings]
You need to know what danger lies ahead for you.
Are you threatening me, Bernie?
If you split the vote, we'll have the lunatics
running Chatsworth.
You kip, I kip, we kip.
Well, you should have thought about that
before you refused us planning for extension out the back.
Is that what all this has been about?
Well, why didn't you say?
A few phone calls, fix that.
No problem.
What Yvonne's saying Bernie, too late.
You've crossed the line.
We're sick of having to slip you backhanders
for anything we need doing.
People are sick of you charging for democracy.
Now aren't you the noble one?
Noble be buggered.
If Kash gets on planning committee,
he's never going to have to work another day in his life.
Then, we might be able to afford an apartment in Spain.
Hey, we can buy Bernie's when he's forced to sell up.
[laughter]
Be careful what you wish for.
VERONICA AND KEV: (SINGING) Congratulations
and jubilations.
I want the world to know I'm happy as can be.
Who would believe that I could be contented.
What key are you in?
BOTH: (SINGING) Was in the bad old days before I met you.
When I let you walk into my heart.
[crying]
What's up, Debs?
[sighs] You can't blame Fiona.
Steve left her high and dry.
Fine, if that's all he did.
But he's come back to put things right.
Bad timing, sweetheart.
She's having Craig's baby.
By accident.
Yeah.
[sighs] She's made some big decisions
that she can't unpick.
She likes Craig, but she loves Steve more
than she'll ever love anybody.
Listen, Debs.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
But we can't all have the perfect ending.
KEV: Here we go.
They were out of hot chocolate.
So I got mushroom soup and a bit of grass to calm things down.
Kev.
Well, not for Debs, obviously.
I need to make a phone call.
Get Debs to show you how to download your music files.
MAN: Which is inheritance tax in a nutshell.
Which twisted shit came up with that little gem,
inheritance tax?
I've made sure my kids won't be saddled with that
kind of torment one I'm gone.
Kash in their policies.
Let them watch you blow the lot while you
have breath left in your body.
Mm.
Listen to the lady, eh?
When there's a will, there's a way.
Anyway, what are you gonna leave behind--
a couple of skidmarks?
[laughs]
Go and answer a prayer, you fat cunt.
Hey, he's just paid your drink off.
Me?
What for?
Because he's bought us all a double?
Must think we're simple.
He's buying votes.
That is not allowed.
Rum and black, please, Jess.
Bless you, Bernie.
[dog yipping]
FRANK: Oh, for fuck's sake.
CAROL: Oh, hello, gorgeous.
Is this the little minx you've taken off of Lilian's hands?
One stroke of luck in 15 years, and that's me lot is it?
[barks]
YVONNE: You're covering Chatsworth East.
Verna, you're in Selena's car.
Now, come on.
Let's go, go, go.
Not you.
Why not?
Well, who's going to help me in shop?
Verna, you've left your bloody bag.
[thuds]
[crashing]
CAROL: Lilian, are you OK?
What's this lot doing here again?
Post-mortem found it, your Brendan.
He had a bullet in his head.
It killed him instantly.
See, that's why he never dodged out of the way of the van.
POLICEMAN: Ballistics are certain.
That bullet came from the same gun that was used
in a drugs killing last month.
No.
Drugs?
Brendan?
POLICEMAN: They found umpteen Class-A drugs in his system.
His death could have bee part of a turf war gang job.
POLICEMAN: We need you to come down to the station
just to clear a few things up, if it's all right, Mrs. Tyler.
Yeah? All right, lads.
Put her in the van.
Oh, Lilian.
Brendan was no druggie.
Look at him, for God's sakes.
Post-mortem shows he was using marijuana, amphetamines, plus
solvents from common adhesives.
That face was totally self-inflicted.
You're fitting him up to get out of paying any compensation,
you devious buggers.
Right, Stan.
CCTV shots from the bookie's at the end of Easton Street.
Five seconds before our van rams him,
Brendan gets a bullet in the head.
Five seconds later, skinhead with a white bike
legs it from the scene-- a Chatsworth school uniform.
See?
Probably a drug runner.
Right.
Come on, Stan.
Let's round up all the local skinheads,
starting with the school.
[sirens]
[rustling]
Here you go.
You're the one with the gob.
Why didn't you try getting elected?
A, I'm the one that runs this business properly.
I mean, and B, people generally hate my guts.
Oh, give over.
People respect you.
Personally, I couldn't give a shit.
But they're gonna love Kash making a name for himself.
Because they think he's married to an hard-nosed bitch.
Cherie Blair helped Tony get elected.
Since when did Kash need elections to feel wanted?
Since I told him to.
Have you got a problem with that?
Yeah, if Kash wins, I'm stuck here doing extra hours for you
just so he can be somewhere else.
Oh, and you think I started all this to keep you two apart?
Well, haven't you?
What are you doing in here?
Looking for drugs, if you must know.
Try asking.
Proper drugs.
Where's Fiona?
She won't have any.
She's skint.
No?
Well, what about your Carl?
Here.
Have a look at this.
LIP: [murmurs] LENA: Pass it.
Pass it. Pass it.
[laughter]
Help.
LIP: Where has he gone?
Would you like a cup of coffee, Craig?
No.
Don't think I'll shoot straight up for the shower.
Fiona up there?
I don't know where she is.
She went round to Veronica's to fix the washing machine.
No, she hasn't.
Does she know how?
It's fine.
It's working.
I promised Steve I'd try and talk to you.
Don't go taking it out on Debbie.
I agree with her.
What harm can 10 minutes do?
You know fucking well what harm it will do.
No, I don't, Fiona.
Neither do you.
If I agreed, if I showed up, what have I got to tell
him that he'll want to hear?
Probably wants to know whether you still love him or not.
If I do--
of course I do.
What good's that going to do when he knows I'm pregnant?
He's not going to want to hear that, is he?
[crying]
I don't know, sweetheart.
You better ask him yourself.
[gasps]
Um, I was--
um-- I really don't know what I'm supposed to say.
DEBBIE: [muttering]
Shh.
Well, if Fiona's not late, I'm not late.
Fuck off.
Carl said your washer wanted seeing to.
Here.
That won't work.
Let's see.
Oh, Jesus.
What's up, love?
Soap powder in me eyes.
Yeah, come on. Under the tap.
Splash them.
Have you got any towels, Veronica?
Towels, yeah, upstairs.
Stay there, Craig.
Just-- stay there.
[crying]
STEVE: I'm not moving.
I'm not moving.
VERONICA: Listen, just get upstairs.
Listen to me.
Will you go upstairs?
STEVE: Veronica, no, all right?
For god's sakes, Steve.
OK.
Just blame me.
And I'm not saying that.
I asked him round here, not her.
Can you come up here a sec, Carl?
What for?
Talk about Tuesday night.
[door closes]
Stupid gaz old prick!
What have you done?
[screaming] Get off me.
Get off.
LIP: Lay off him, Debs.
He's in bigger trouble. LENA: What is this?
Lip, get off.
I shot him--
Brendan.
It was me, all right?
What did he say?
I didn't mean to kill anybody.
I swear.
CRAIG: I need a straight answer, Fiona.
Is that my baby?
STEVE: Don't answer that.
Ask him if that matters.
What?
Look.
I came here for you, whatever that meant.
And I've heard a hell of a lot that I didn't bank on,
but I'm still here.
So what does that mean?
CRAIG: You-- you shut your fucking mouth
before I do a lot of people a big favor
and set your neck out.
Back of a long queue, action man.
Whoa. Whoa.
- Listen!
Look, if all he wants to know is if it's his baby, then
what's the question?
I mean, what's his question?
Fucker.
[thuds]
VERONICA: Craig?
Craig?
Craig.
Craig, can you hear me?
Look, let me in.
You need to fuck off.
The police are still looking for you.
If they find you here, we're all dead.
Watch.
Watch yourself.
FIONA: Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Hey, sweetheart.
It's OK.
Ah, yeah.
Ambulance.
Aye, yeah.
6 Swansea Gardens, Chatsworth Estate, Stratford.
Please, Fiona.
I can't live without you.
Why me?
Because he needs someone with him.
Well, I didn't see what happened, did I.
He banged his fucking head.
What more do they need to know?
[sirens]
[birds chirping]
Yeah.
Ooh.
Go on!
Come on.
That's it.
Yes. Yes.
Come on.
Come here.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Ooh.
[dog yelping]
[crash]
[tires squealing]
[crash]
Oh, I'm having flashbacks to Jack Brabham here, a nightmare.
[tires squealing] [car horn]
Debbie.
What now?
No. Hang on.
Shut up.
I don't want to know.
What?
Cannabis is on prescription for Brendan's glaucoma.
And he only ever used the glue for bit of fun
with the matches.
So you're admitting he sniffed glue on match days?
No, the matches.
OK, fine.
But that doesn't explain the amphetamine sulfate also found.
They're mine.
I was on them long before they were popular.
I'd slip one in his dinner when he started to tell jokes.
I'd do it before.
So you were get speed on the NHS?
Come off it. - Narcolepsy.
If I get over excited, I have a habit of--
[thuds]
It is his baby.
No, it isn't.
It's yours.
Look-- look, if we get married as soon as we get there,
we're entitled to a two-bedroom flat.
We can still turn over the odd car
if we're careful, pay for bills and food and stuff.
You'll have to get a part-time job, though,
to pay for our drinking habits.
I'm not drinking.
Well, then, we're basically sorted out.
Even if I could do this to Craig, I can't leave my family.
STEVE: Fiona, we've been here before.
They don't need you as much as you think they do.
They don't.
Just ask them.
I promise you, Fiona, I will not let you down again.
I'll make you happy.
[sniffs]
[kissing]
I don't bake.
I can't bake.
You just have to make it look like you know how to.
You, snap out of it or disappear.
I don't want her to go.
Neither would I if I was in as much bother as you.
Tough shit, Carl.
Fiona's going.
Say one wrong word before she does, and I'll
put your tongue out, got it?
And that goes for all of you.
If Fiona finds out about Carl, you're all dead.
How are we gonna get Steve sorted?
Hurry up.
Kev's just phoned.
Craig's signed hisself out.
Seven stitches, and he signs hisself out.
They're getting him in a taxi now.
I should speak to him.
Fiona, don't.
You'll fall apart and change your mind.
It's the least he deserves.
No, it's not.
He's second best.
He's used to getting over stuff like this.
LENA: Oh, I hope this is the last of them.
We've got Steve on a backseat under a blanket.
[chatter]
Like he'll think it's for someone else.
Come on.
Will you hurry up?
DEBBIE: Hurry, hurry.
Move it!
We're all gonna be fine.
[kiss]
CAROL: Look at me.
State of me.
Found me baking hands.
I was hoping to send one with you.
Take care of yourself.
We'll need a number in case anything goes wrong.
Come here.
Hey, see you beautiful.
LIAM: Where are you off to?
Just Going on a holiday?
OK.
Could I have a cheeky kiss?
STEVE: Fiona?
And a cuddle?
Fiona, we've got to hurry.
Ooh.
When are the cakes gonna be ready?
No, but I can't leave him.
No, you can.
Dad and Sheila are gonna collect him.
He's moving in with them.
Is that true?
Don't be soft.
I won't him near my dad.
Ow.
Sorry.
Yeah, you better be.
Better out.
Come here, you two.
Come on.
Take care.
I luv ya.
[car honks]
I'll be in touch.
[door closes]
STEVE: I love you.
LENA: You'd better.
So where am I taking you?
Car's parked in Gilton.
[car honks]
See ya.
See ya!
[car honks]
I got chucked off the bus for swearing.
[flashback] Fuck you, twat!
Fat bastard.
I started walking home.
That was when I found it.
I didn't know what it was at first.
It were just lying on the grass.
It were dead heavy and cold.
I knew it weren't a toy.
DEBBIE: The fact you had a gun isn't the point, Carl.
Why the fuck didn't you tell one of us
or hand it in somewhere?
I just wanted to know what it felt like.
Took it to school, but no one knew.
[laughs] I didn't know it was still
loaded until I saw you too playing
footie on Easton Street.
[chatter]
BOY: Hey, Brendan, get your tits out for us.
[siren]
[gunshot]
[thud]
Whoa!
Watch it.
I didn't know it was loaded.
[crying]
[sirens]
Fuck.
Ian.
Oh fucking hell.
[sirens]
Whoa.
Shit.
Christ.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Where's the gun now, Carl?
[crying]
Of course.
Come on.
[stampeding]
[sighs]
Somebody take it off me, quick!
What's going on?
Where are we?
Where's Steve?
They've gone, Craig.
Fiona's gone.
Fiona!
LIP: He's got the gun.
Craig!
[gunshot]
[car alarm ringing]
So do you not think it looks like--
No, it looks more like Carl Gallagher to me.
POLICEMAN: That's what I think.
POLICEMAN: Well, let's get over there
and try and eliminate him.
PRINCIPAL: Wish someone would.
POLICEMAN: Is Carl in?
DEBBIE: I'll handle this.
How's things, Carl? DEBBIE: Fine.
Why?
Looks a bit tired.
Been a bit busy, have we, son?
Where were you about half 6:00 on Tuesday night?
That's dead easy.
He was at the hospital, weren't you, Carl?
Oh?
What for?
Something he doesn't really want to discuss.
(WHISPERS) Circumcision.
Right. Right.
Well, come on.
Onwards and upwards, eh, Stan?
Come on.
You know, you're not on your own, Carl.
And there's no shame in it whatsoever-- none, ever.
And you won't look back.
Well, not much.
Are you right in the head?
I mean, are you buying all this shit?
VERONICA: How long before they suss that one?
DEBBIE: Enough time to round up some skinheads.
He was only in overnight.
Tuesday night. - What for?
LENA: I can't disclose what for, because boys
are very sensitive about genital surgery.
Fine.
Thank you, sister.
You're welcome.
[sighs] I don't care.
50 quid says that's Carl Gallagher.
No one in their right mind is going
to make something like that up.
Right.
[spits] 50 quid, put it there.
VERONICA: Perry, Fizz, Pete, and Minty.
Debbie's explained it's for charity.
[buzzing]
[chatter]
Will you shut up?
DEBBIE: He looks like a leper
VERONICA: Give us a minute.
[buzzing]
What's this?
BOY: Supposed to be a swoosh.
A swoosh?
Does Carl have a swoosh?
No.
[laughs]
DEBBIE: Come on, Carol.
Hurry up.
Should get more than a tenner for this.
Can the number two turn to the side, please?
We're fucked.
Square one.
- Sorry, Craig. - Cheers, mate.
He's depressed.
Fiona's dumped him.
- No. - Yeah.
Ah, he's all right.
He's Craig.
Full-time job, house is paid for, and not bad in bed.
Take him in the bogs and suck him off.
Could be a decent future there for you.
Hey, gorgeous.
Cheer up.
It might never happen.
If it helps, Fiona told me she didn't know for definite
if the baby was yours.
Sorry I'm late, Yvonne.
[bell dings]
Who are you?
This is Mick.
He's going to be helping me out a couple of nights a week.
So it's up to you which two nights you're dropping.
I knew it, you hard-faced, two-faced, sour-faced bitch.
And which two night you want to work at They Jockey.
I've got you a job glass collecting since Kash is going
to be spending more time in there socializing if he's
going to stand a chance.
Whoops.
Mick's old enough to serve booze, so he can cop on his own
for an hour.
I'll be back at 10, Mick.
No sweat.
[bell rings]
Never mind questions in the house.
We need answers in the house.
Yeah.
WOMAN: Ian, in your own time, love.
People it took centuries, but the working man's vote
is the most powerful weapon you'll ever possess,
lest we forget.
Got your toothbrush.
Seven inches!
Oh, hello.
Where are you taking the prince of darkness?
- Wales. - Flirty backsy coed!
Wales? Fuck for?
Moby dick!
My sister's just had a baby.
And that's still a big deal in Wales, is it?
You look fantastic, Martin.
Up the ass when you're ready.
Large white win, please, Karen.
[whistling]
[cheering]
Have you got the tickets?
Show me to the limo.
[squeals] I couldn't get a limo,
so I had to get a minibus.
All right.
Fair enough.
[cheering]
BERNIE: Did you say something, Kash?
I can't see you. It's a bit dark.
[laughter]
That is a racist remark.
Now, I'd be wondering, um, a shopkeeper's whose campaign--
where is it--
on value for money, when all he and his family's ever done was
bring down the house prices.
[cheering]
This is way below the belt.
But it's the truth.
And gloves off, you better listen to the echos, Hiawatha.
[laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen, I offer up for your selectation,
your delectation, your election--
[cheering]
--nothing but at third-generation
immigrant who's trying to reinvent
the glory of the Union Jack.
[cheering]
You two-faced, fascist cunt.
Everybody round here knows where my heart lies.
My heart's in Chatsworth. - Yes.
[cheering]
And I prove it every single day by keeping a shop open
for 12 fucking hours.
Yes.
[cheering]
Yeah?
But At what profit margins, ladies and gentlemen?
[cheering]
YVONNE: Ah, flush him out, Kash.
[chatter]
Name a single other shop that takes milk tokens for booze.
[cheering]
Fine!
But the only constituents my little brown friend here
supports are the blacks, the chinks,
the complete fucking leg irons, the works out jobless scum
that bleed this fucking nation dry!
Yeah, Bernie!
One of you get the car now.
Quick.
Kash for Chatsworth!
[cheering]
[sighs]
Feels weird without her here.
CARL: I've got one thing I need say.
The night before he died, I gobbed
on Brendan from the upstairs of a bus
and called him a rag-eyed gunk.
Just that.
The only thing bothering me is making sure everybody
knows how much a week we need to stay in the black.
We've always managed before, Debs.
Yeah, With Fiona's wages, meaning,
everyone needs to bring in an extra 15 a week.
Not me. I'm not family.
Neither is our Martin.
It makes no difference.
If you can't match the rent rise,
we're going to have to advertise for tenants that will.
She's right, Carol.
You know you can't go blowing your spends on clothes
all the time. [laughter]
Right fair dues is that, Lip.
And you earn about three times more from the shop
than you're telling the rest of us.
[laughs]
[baby crying]
What's that?
[singing] Congratulations and celebrations
when I tell everyone that you're in love with me.
That's quite old.
Shoot, this is old Cliff Richards.
What?
[knocking]
DEBBIE: What are you doing?
Trying to get Pinky and Perky to sleep.
Fucking insomniacs, or what.
Cliff doesn't work after dark.
Try Jerusalem.
EVERYONE: (SINGING) And did those feet
through ancient times walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant--
What are you doing here?
I thought it was an all-nighter.
Frank got a bit sick during pudding,
so the Lady Mayoress had to get us a car home.
Like a Rolls Royce?
No, it was a police car.
Hello.
[babies crying]
Wakey, wakey, wide awake.
(SINGING) And did those feet in ancient time
walk upon England mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures?
KEV: If I could shoot sperm that didn't swim backwards,
I'd have me own family by now.
In the mean time, I'm settling for this one.
[barking]
Oh, geez.
EVERYONE: (SINGING) --fight.
Nor sh For shall my sword rest in my hand--
Hey.
[laughs] I think I will call you Bernard or Bernadette
EVERYONE: (SINGING) On England's green and pleasant land.
[cheering]
Bring me my bow of burning gold.
Bring me my arrows of desire.
Bring me my spear.
Oh, clouds unfold Bring me my chariot of fire.
I will not cease from mental fight.
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
till we have built Jerusalem in England's
green and pleasant land.
[phone ringing] DEBBIE: Will somebody get that?
LIP: It's Ian's phone.
IAN: Suck me cock.
[chatter]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[phone ringing]
Yeah.
LIP: Fuck off.
Fiona, it's for you.
Fiona?
Oh, fuck you.
She's not in.
Try later.
LIP: Pass us that chicken, will you, Sheila?
[chatter]
IAN: Prick!
[music playing]