FRANK GALLAGHER (VOICEOVER): Now nobody's saying
the Chatsworth estate is the Garden of Eden.
But, it's been a good home to me, Frank Gallagher
and me kids, who I'm proud of.
Cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which
they have me to thank for. - Come on.
Run for it! - Quick!
FRANK GALLAGHER (VOICEOVER): Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Philip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mum, which is handy for the others,
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl-- we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes it look like Sawyer.
Two, nits love it.
Debbie-- sent by God.
Soul of an angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of the way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam-- gonna be a star, once we
got the fits under control.
Sheila, me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
Fantastic neighbors-- Kevin, Veronica.
Lend ya anything.
Well, not anything.
But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in this life
is they know how to throw a party.
[laughing]
When you're a Gallagher, it can feel like more
shaftings than the average.
But if you think about it, shafting is fact of life.
There's nothing special about being part of our family.
What really is special about being a Gallagher?
You'd have to ask Fiona.
A bit of pride maybe and something
to do with how you cope when it all
hits the fan, especially if you're standing right
in front of it at the time.
The thing I really rate about Fiona
was the way she didn't even bother to duck.
Aye.
Now I wouldn't kick him out of bed for a wet fart.
- Nah, he's not my type. - Bollocks.
He's everyone's type.
And he's a fucking classic.
I think I'm all right, thanks.
Fancy a drink now?
Yes, mate.
Two Manila coladas please.
All right.
Oh, we've gone out of Manila.
I can do with me rum.
Yeah, all right, mate.
I'll have 'em without.
Two Manila coladas without the Manila?
Yeah.
Fucking ladies night and there's
not a chick in the room.
Name?
Ryan.
He's a footballer.
Fuck off!
Fucking hell!
He's not Ryan Giggs is he?
Veronica, you have seen him.
Oh yeah.
Only Sunday league.
Still, fit as arseholes.
Got a spare tampon?
Oh.
Hang on.
[snoring]
[phone ringing]
How the fuck did that happen?
Fucking Fiona ended up Joey Dawson.
Joey Dawson?
Joey.
Oh, Joey.
Oh, fuck.
What was he like then?
Oh, fuck.
Don't think he will be.
Veronica, I don't think we used anything.
I thought you were on the pill?
When I was with Steve.
Yeah.
Half a packet now.
Half a packet later.
Works then as a morning after pill.
[laughing]
Wake up!
Morning.
MAN ON TV: Here's your chance to phone in this morning.
And the topic is, sexually transmitted diseases.
So, we've got Wally from--
Is that Joey Dawson?
Don't bother.
I guarantee it won't be funny.
You went to bed with our Fiona?
Get me--
Fuck.
You went to bed with him?
It happens, Carl.
Do you want some toast?
Two slices, my darling.
What's happened?
Fiona had sexual intercourse with Joey Dawson.
Debbie!
That's what Mrs. Henderson calls it in health and society.
She says it's immature to use the other words.
It looks like he shagged you ragged.
Can we all just change the fucking record?
[scream]
Shit.
Marty.
He shut me arm in the fucking door!
Cold confess.
That's what Veronica always says.
Go on, get a flannel.
I don't know what you're playing at, Marty.
Liam!
- Go, go. - What?
This!
I can't!
For god's sake.
Blood group?
AB, AB, A, AB positive, O, B positive.
I don't know yours.
There we go, Liam.
I'll give you a few minutes, then you can go home
with mommy and daddy, yeah? - Oh, no.
We're not--
No more taking mommy's tablets.
Like I say, we got everything out of him in time and hormones
aren't immediately dangerous.
Worst case scenario would probably
be him growing a pair of tits.
For god's sake.
If you're not worried about it, why did we get an x-ray?
Go on, ask me.
I remember every single Christmas present
for the last eight years.
I'm really sorry, Joey.
1998.
Christmas 1998--
He-Man mega-fighter, Kylie CDs, selection box from Dad,
skateboard, Louise CDs, selection box from Dad.
Tinky Winky, Babe video, with a selection box from Dad.
All right.
I'll see you then.
I didn't know you lived around here.
Extension on Lyle Close.
Finishing off, like.
DEBBIE: Told ya.
I can do every Christmas present since 1995.
Yeah, but you got the blood groups wrong, freak.
DEBBIE: No I didn't.
How much?
At least it's not his plastering arm.
AB, A, AB, B, O. I prefer the new notes from cash machine.
Debbie, look, somebody's cocked up.
You'll do this in biology.
You need two Rs, one from each parent
to be just R. R's recessive, which means,
somebody has got his blood group wrong.
Which means you're wrong, which means
I'm not liable for 10 quid.
It doesn't have to mean that?
Yes it does.
It could mean that Dad's not Ian's dad.
Duh.
What?
[knocking]
Can someone get that?
Oh, Liam, no.
Have you got any aspirin at yours?
I've still got a head like a fucking drill.
It's not a good time?
Can I talk to Mom?
I'm from the health visiting team.
The hospital contacted us about Liam's overdose.
Liam.
I wasn't nearly An overdose.
Oh, I know.
Their word, not mine.
It's just to follow up.
You mum not in then?
Or your dad?
We try not to be sexist.
Uh, no, no.
Not at the minute minute, no.
But I am Liam's sister, so I can answer any questions.
Gallagher.
Thought it might be.
You don't remember me, do you? Katrina Webb?
From school?
Katrina?
It's all right.
You can say it.
The Sperm Whale.
You have lost a fucking ton.
Quick swim.
I fill-in shake for breakfast.
A tasty soup for lunch, and then a sensible tea
for three and 1/2 years.
Fiona Gallagher-- I bet your never
thought the Sperm Whale would be a health professional, eh?
OK if I have a look at your brother?
Just my fucking luck them sending her.
It's all right, isn't she?
The Sperm Whale?
Veronica I gave her that name.
She hated my guts at school, because I snogged
a boy she fancied, Ricky Parr.
I'll tell you, a little bit of power, she'd be loving this.
Well as rain.
To be honest, I'm surprised you're
still living at home, Fiona.
Thought you have been married by now.
Yeah, well, you and me both.
Oh, what about you?
Engaged.
Lovely.
Yeah.
Got a venue booked for August.
We're having a Lord of the Rings theme,
except it'll be wedding rings, obviously.
Hobbit's for page boys.
Isn't that cute?
Oh, ring a bell?
I remember now.
I did a visit when Shantelle Addison had a third.
And she said to me that your momma turned into a lesbian
and run off with another woman.
Shantelle It must of been the smack talking.
You take care of Liam, yeah?
Yeah.
Carl kicked me.
He did.
It was an accident.
Nightmare, kids are.
Yeah.
Well, it was good to see you, Katrina.
Good luck with the wedding and everything.
Who's the lucky fellow?
What's his name?
Joey, Joey Dawson.
Mrs. Dawson.
Fucking weird, eh?
See ya!
I'm not kidding.
She finds out I slept with Joey, I am dead.
You promised me you'd stay at home.
- Oh, what do you like? - No tits!
You promised me.
Cross me heart and hope to die.
[doorbell]
[whistling]
Woo.
Cross me knockers.
Get 40 quid extra for topless.
Can you think of what rhymes with estate agent?
What?
Birthday boy, he's an estate agent, Sean.
Oh, you're mental, you!
How's she going to find out?
Joey's not going to tell her.
You're not going to tell her.
It's like it never fucking happened!
It's Joey and his girlfriend.
Shit.
He's come for the van keys.
You know, that he left here last night,
when he crashed out because he'd had a few too many
before he slipped in the shower and broke his arm.
She wants to know why we haven't one of them mats.
We have!
Keys.
Liam had 'em when we got back from the hospital.
They're in our house somewhere.
The kitchen table.
Keep her talking, yeah?
Veronica's having a bit of a tidy up.
It's always the way, isn't it?
I told shit for brains you were lucky you were
around to get him out the shower and drive him to the hospital,
didn't I?
Oh, he's worse than a bloody kid.
I can't let him out of me sight, can I?
Can I, eh?
And you're lucky he's not suing you for loss of business.
Well it's not his plastering arm, is it?
Is it me or is it turned a bit?
Psst.
So, Veronica says that you used to be really, really fat.
Haha, ta da!
She could be dead, Joey.
Thanks, Kev.
Saved my life.
See, I told ya.
Overreaction.
What?
You're not my dad.
Fuck have I done now?
The type of blood I've got, so you can't be my real dad.
It's scientifically impossible.
Of course I'm your fucking dad.
Frank Gallagher does not fire blanks, Ian.
I can remember it, clear as day, 1987,
because they just stopped me claiming from me hurting, yeah?
Doctor said it was a fucking shaving rash.
How do they sleep at night?
Coming to terms with living with a disability.
No support from the fucking state.
Then bang, I'm late again, Frank.
Whatever you said about Monica, she
didn't look at another fella.
You know, not until she went off with Norma.
No need.
It was 1989.
Yes, what I mean.
198-- Gary Bennett.
Fucker.
She had a Saturday job and in an offie.
They're too fucking tight to give
her a discount, so no point.
What she made out-- it gave her a bit of independence.
He was a manager.
A guy that listens to me, Frank.
Yeah, well, we can all listen to them when we want to give 'em,
can't we?
So it's true?
Falls into place, don't it?
Betrayal all the way down the fucking line.
I was sharper than a serpent's tooth.
No, listen.
Whatever that tosspot did to your mum, you are still my son.
You're alll my kids, even a gobshite like Lip.
Yes!
Here, remembered.
I need a sombrero and a guitar.
For netball?
We're making a short film in media studies.
I'm a Mexican street musician.
Liam, shoes on, sweetheart.
I need to get a hold of mum.
She's not there.
I just tried.
Answering machine says they're away until the 22nd.
Shit.
What's up?
Social services wants a visit, see if Liam's been looked
after properly by mum or dad.
Shit.
What were you doing calling mum anyway?
Oh, he's trying to find his real dad.
What?
Frank's not his dad.
Gary Bennett is.
Gary Bennett?
How long have you lot known about this?
There, it's me best shot. Hey you.
You're full of surprises.
Look, I've just found out.
Dad reckons it were the manager of this offie
where mum had a Saturday job.
Offie in Eccles, yeah.
I think I remember.
I was going to tell you, honest.
And you want to find him?
Yeah.
Why? We're your family.
Is it about the other thing?
No.
[doorbell]
Hi.
Just come off a visit on the road-- post-natal depression.
Social services been in touch yet?
Uh, we got a letter from 'em this morning.
Well, I mean, mum did.
Practically shitting herself, isn't she?
Just kidding.
Tell her, as long as she turns up
sober, and remembers your brother's name,
we'll check all the boxes.
Tell you what, are you around at dinner time for a drink?
Oh, uh, I've got a long today as it happens.
Just thought I could give you a few tips about the interview.
I mean, it helps to know who you're dealing with in that.
Friends in high places.
I will be there, you know.
And we still haven't got a chance
to catch up properly, have we?
No.
Yeah.
Go on then, why not.
Great.
Look forward to it.
Jockey's your local, isn't it?
VERONICA: Can't you just tell the truth?
Look, Katrina told a bit of a white lie
about your mum and dad living at him,
and then it's going to end.
FIONA: Yeah, she'll understand.
May as well get it all off me chest and tell her
I shagged Joey while I'm at it.
Oh, can't you put it off until Monica comes back from holiday?
And say what?
Dad's looking after the kids while she's away.
The last thing I want is social services turning
up to talk to fucking Frank.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
FIONA: I mean as far as the authorities are concerned,
dad's dead, isn't he?
It's not like I'm even Liam's legal guardian.
What are you playin' at?
You've been on for nearly half an hour.
1.80 a minute they're charging, mom.
She's got a gift, Veronica.
She's helping me with my arthritis.
You haven't got fucking arthritis.
I wish you'd keep an open mind.
She even knew about Kev losing the remote for the telly.
Bollocks she did.
She's messing with your head, mom.
Fiona, would you get a grip?
So you're not officially Liam's guardian.
You're over 21.
You're a better fucking mom than Monica ever was.
Go down the Jockey.
See Katrina and sort it out, will ya?
You're right.
What's the worst that can happen?
I love you, Fiona.
Fuck's sake, Joey.
I mean, sweetie, you don't.
You can't.
I do.
You're engaged.
You don't even know me.
And we were both totally mashed.
You were.
I was on pineapple juice all night.
Oh, shit, Joey.
Please.
I love you.
Oh, listen to him.
I love you too, hunny bunny.
So, what do you think, eh?
Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
Can't believe you're still single, Fiona.
Can you, Joey?
No.
So, what's this deep, dark secret
you wanted to tell me, eh?
It's not about Ricky Parr is it?
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
It's-- well it's silly really.
I mean, I didn't realize it was you at first,
when you came to the office to see our Liam.
And it's more automatic than anything.
Hey, secret admirer over there.
Hello.
You know him?
Well, to talk to.
To you
I was just saying, she could do with a fella.
Could you?
Because last time I saw you, you weren't going short, like.
Dirty mare!
We're trying to fix her up if you're interested.
Sorry, mate.
I didn't realize.
I was just having a laugh.
No, he's with me, you daft pillock.
Oh.
I just thought, you know, because you's
two were getting--
oh.
Right.
I wasn't me.
Just listen, yeah.
I swear it was a mistake.
I was hammered.
I don't even fancy him.
KATRINA: Oh no, because the Sperm Whale's boyfriend
wouldn't be good enough for Fiona fucking Gallagher.
Fiona fucking Gallagher can just take whatever she likes.
Little fucking princess skinny ass.
Katrina.
All that stuff, we were kids, for god's sake.
Think that's an excuse?
Think I've fucking forgotten?
Sperm Whale!
OK.
I'm sorry.
But Chatsworth Comp-- it was the law of the jungle down there.
Think you were the only one who went through it?
Yeah, you were fat, and the lads used you as a spunk bucket.
We weren't very nice to you.
But you know what?
Neither were you?
Puff Gallagher, remember that?
Oh that same skirt you're wearing since year seven, Puff?
Can't afford to go on the school trip, Puff?
Oh, get your change, Puff's here.
Plenty of times I cried myself to sleep.
So don't you make out you were Princess fucking Di, Katrina.
Right.
A bit of advice.
Stay away from my fiance.
And tell your family they better put their best foot forward
at that interview, or I'll have your little shit-ass brother
taken into care so quick.
He won't know what hit him.
OK!
Puff.
And you can start saying your prayers alone, little twat.
[holler]
Nipples.
It must help to have big ones, you know, when they're feeding.
Must be-- it must toughen them up, all that.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I've come for the vouchers, love, for formula.
The name's Gallagher-- Nigel and Delia.
I'm sorry, we've got Gallagher, Phillip, Gallagher,
Ian, Gallagher, Deborah.
Oh, it'll be under their mum's address, Eldin Way.
Fuckoff.
I swap you that, for that?
The difference comes out of my wages.
But they're unopened.
They're good as new.
I've got a fucking arrangement.
Ask your mum.
You better talk to her then.
She'll be in at tea time.
Oh blood will out.
Gary Bennett.
He won't give your mum a fucking discount at the offie.
Hey? Hey?
Mingy little twat.
Yeah, well, I'll mention that to him when I see him.
It was Eccles.
Fiona told me.
So there's nothing to stop me finding him, is there?
Yeah, well, fuck off to Eccles then!
You fucking deserve each other.
You serious?
You're gonna go?
Yeah.
There's two in the phone book.
Debbie looked it up.
Go for it.
All that counts at the end, family.
Cheers.
You know what I meant.
People don't realize, leave it to dry and it's as good as new,
practically.
Haven't bought a new roll for three years.
I'm not a lesbian, Fiona.
I mean, I think everyone's got tendencies.
You don't need to be, because you'll be pretending,
like playing a part, acting.
Acting.
Yeah.
You'll be you, but you'll say that you're
our mom, because we think of you like our mom, anyway, don't we?
But it sets you thinking, though, don't it?
Like, when you imagine if you hadn't been born,
and someone else had met Frank.
Nigel and Delia hadn't been born either.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Oh, god.
I'm sorry.
They've adjusted my Seroxin.
It makes you be constipated as well.
We need all hands on deck.
Keep him still, mom.
[laughing]
Stop it.
Ah!
He dared me.
We're lucky the house didn't go up, rubbish he eats.
Bull!
Lighting farts-- got too close to the lighter.
Ah!
Oh, don't be such a bloody baby.
Try a bit of Vaseline.
Where's Lip?
Went and got munchies.
Good night was it?
You knew Ian was working.
Carol said she'd look in.
She did come really, really quickly when we shouted.
What's up with him?
Go on, sweetheart.
It's past your bed time.
Where the fuck is Sheila?
FIONA: You're not at Sheila's, dad.
Dad!
Bathroom!
Don't fucking talk to me.
Oh.
Eccles, you told him, didn't you?
You in on it and all, Fiona?
- Yeah, yeah, whatever. - Yeah.
Whatever.
You're all the fucking same like your fucking mother.
Oh!
Piss yourself then!
Fucking piss yourself!
What's he done?
Fucking get him out of here, Lip,
or I swear I'll fucking kill him!
Wanker!
FIONA: Did he piss himself?
LIP: No.
Got him to the bog in time.
FIONA: Thank god, his proudest achievement.
You got to the bog in time.
Puked on the carpet though.
You really don't want Ian to find him, do you?
Gary what's his face?
Up to him.
Just don't see the point.
A bit jealous actually.
Little bastard gets his shot at a real dad.
Instead of some incontinent fucking sperm donor.
The thing about dad, you're fine as long as you
remember to expect fuck all.
Only useful thing he's ever said to me, right,
I mean to me, not at me, my whole fucking life,
when I was little.
I was making breakfast.
Dad tipped his slice of toast into the bin.
Fucking useless sot.
And then he showed me.
Always spread the marg into the corners, right up to the crust.
Do the corners and you don't have to worry about the middle.
It's true, as it happens.
Useless fuck.
Right. Social services is due at 11.
Sheila's coming at half to 10.
Start with the bedrooms, Carl.
Debbie, you're on the bathroom.
Carol, you're still OK looking after Liam, yeah?
MARTY: What do you want me for, Fiona?
FIONA: Oh yeah, Marty.
Give me a hand with a bit of lifting.
Martin, slow down.
Where's Sheila?
Oh, you brought the twins?
I've been dying to get these outfits in airing.
[gasps] Sorry I'm late.
I only thought it would help to look
a bit more like, you know who.
Only it's a bit difficult with my wardrobe.
So I had to borrow from across the road.
But she's on the game, so she's a bit difficult
to eat before dinnertime.
Is it too late to do something about these curtains, Fiona?
Hey.
She thinks you're planning a break-in.
What are you doing here?
Moral support, whatever that means.
Debbie passed on that details.
Are you going in or what?
Might Not even be there.
Problem get his wife.
I didn't think about his wife.
Has she got kids?
I might have half-brothers or sisters.
LIP: Find out.
Go on.
Fuck it, if you're not--
Lip.
Sorry, lads.
We've got tea towels coming out of our ears.
No.
I'm--
[knocking]
Mrs. Gallagher?
Monica Gallagher?
I'm Maureen Hale from social services.
That's right.
Come in.
Thank you.
Katrina.
Oh, I've got your form, Mrs. Gallagher.
Thanks for that.
Liam's doing well in your opinion?
Oh, yes.
Yes he is.
Oh yeah, yeah.
No problems at all.
There we are.
Take the pot to the kettle, then the kettle to the pot.
Little spoons.
On my first visit, I saw some bruising where Liam had been
hit by one of his brothers.
Can you tell us how this happened, Mrs. Gallagher?
Lip.
It was Lip that moved.
As I said to your colleague, it was an accident.
Hey, love, would you get me a teaspoon, please?
Should we have a look around?
Well I think we've seen everything we need,
Mrs. Gallagher.
Thanks for that.
You're a very lucky boy, aren't you, Liam,
having such a nice room.
I've just got a few questions about the living
arrangements and all that.
There seems to be a bit of confusion
about who lives where.
It's easy.
I live next door and my tenant's Carol and Marty.
Is it?
And everyone else lives here.
The more the merrier.
I take my hat off to you, Monica.
These two, looking bonny on it.
Do you get your formula at the clinic?
KATRINA: Every week.
Because when I checked our computer records,
the twins are down at a different address,
22 Elden Way.
And according to Lisa at the clinic,
they live there with their mother, Sheila Jackson.
The twins are yours.
Of course they are.
So you must be Sheila Jackson.
No. No.
I'm Monica. Monica Gallagher.
Get
KATRINA: Monica Gallagher's now living in Moston.
She's in a relationship with another woman,
and she abandoned her kids four years ago.
Isn't that right?
She's no better than she should be.
I mean, I'm not.
I'm only human.
She's Sheila Jackson, living at Elden Way.
The twins are hers by Frank Gallagher, who died
shortly before they were born.
It's all on the computer.
Dad's dead.
Mum's gone.
These kids are home alone.
I've applied for an emergency care order for Liam.
You fucking cow!
Home alone?
Who's home alone?
Frank Gallagher.
What can I do for you, ladies.
Am I tit of the year, or what?
I knew it was too good to be true.
Still got one more left.
The Cedars.
Sounds even cushier.
See his music?
Wall to wall fucking jazz.
[laughs] You're well out of it.
Christ.
Frank finds out about this, he'll want to fuck him himself.
Him?
If he owes you money, you better
get to the back of the queue.
Oy, Gary, more people after ya.
Daddy!
[laughing]
Fuck off.
Big difference between Gary and Frank.
You may have, see.
Ghost in the machine, literally.
Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Computers, you see, Maureen.
They're Only as good as the person putting the stuff in.
No, garbage in, garbage out.
It's well known.
Data in a computer literally means what's put in it.
Data, right, not information.
So you're not living at Elden Way?
Not to my knowledge, love.
And she's Mrs. Gallagher, is she?
I am proud to say.
Yeah, last time I looked anyway.
Well, I really think that's everything.
If you're happy with the explanation of why
Liam's so accident prone.
FRANK: Oh, look at him.
Look at him.
Come here, son.
Look at that.
What, he's got more injuries than Michael Owen, eh?
He broke his wrist last year.
Fell off his scooter.
Yeah.
What are you, uh, getting at, Katrina?
It's obvious.
She's his caregiver, and she's not up to it.
Hang on. Hang on.
Come here.
What are you saying, love?
She looks after him, doesn't she?
Too fucking right she does, and makes a cracking job of it
at all, because her mom fucked off.
And that's a crime now, is it, in modern Britain?
Trying to give your brothers and sisters a right
start in life, because you can't feel a fucking form.
Paper work, is that what you want?
Cause, yeah, it's all there, you know.
Black and white.
All these jobs, right, up to date.
Hospital appointments for hiswhatsit.
Fitting.
All kept.
Physio for his leg. - Wrist.
All kept.
She misses work for him!
Never complains.
You talk to his nursery.
A few problems.
Bites when he's goaded.
But he's three.
Four.
Years old.
Bright as a button.
He's got friends, hasn't he?
His teachers will tell ya.
And I'll tell you what.
You can't write it down in a book or sign a form for it
or get a fucking voucher.
But he's loved.
Loved by that lass over there.
So put that in Tony Blair's pipe and properly smoke it.
I mean, fuck off.
If that's the kid that's being abused,
I'm Miriam fucking Stoppard.
There's no question of abuse, Mr. Gallagher.
I can see that Liam is being well looked after.
He's just admitted he lives with her and she's in charge!
And I don't see a problem.
I'll tell you the problem.
I shagged her boyfriend.
You shagged him?
Oh, you fucking snogged him!
It was a mistake.
Oh, yeah, a mistake.
You just think, here's the man Katrina's gonna marry.
I know, why don't I wreck her fucking life!
She made my life a misery in school.
We were 14.
Everyone's life is a fucking misery.
You pissed on me PE kit!
FRANK: Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr and Mrs. Gallagher.
Personnel-- the odd one slips through the net.
Human error again, Maureen.
Hey, remember, data, not information.
Bye.
Wedding's still on, you know!
23rd of August.
[yelling]
Did you really piss in her PE kit?
No.
That was Alison Grant.
I just held the bag open.
[laughing]
And she said-- and she said--
and she said-- sorry, she said, I'm
sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher.
Didn't she, Frank.
So fucking right, she did.
You played a fucking blinder, Frank.
Well, it's natural, isn't it?
A father's instinct to defend his offspring.
Like lions.
Come here.
Actually, male lions kill bears.
I seen it in a documentary.
New fucking mum, eh, Debbie?
VERONICA: Oh, Frank.
I'm proud to call her Mrs. Gallagher.
He came straight out with it.
He did.
You like the sound of that, do you?
Hey!
Stop fucking staring at you.
[knocking]
Sperm and egg, split certain, accident of nature.
The nurture, that was being a fucking parent.
Look, just forget about it, will ya?
We've got to tell her.
Tell Katrina we didn't shag.
She already knows we did.
But we didn't.
Joey, didn't we?
You were totally out of it, weren't ya?
So we didn't?
No.
Fiona!
You will tell her, won't ya?
My dad's got 80 quid deposit down on the Gandalf costume.
[music playing]
Lads, you're gonna have to give your dad a hand.
He's fallen out.
Come on.
Ian, come on.
I can't shift him on me own.
He's not my dad is he?
Stop fucking around, will ya?
You can't just fucking resign.
Come on.
Problem?
No.
Just taking dad back to Sheila's.
Fiona reckoned it was a first--
dad and Sheila actually helping us out for once,
instead of landing us in the shit.
Not that she'd have wanted them around all the time.
None of us would, not even Debbie.
You just get used to things the way they are.
And at the end of the day, it's better the devil you know.
Early Kylie?
Totally true.
I'm carrying his baby.
Fiona!
- An accident? - Boo!
Oh, Jesus, me tooth!
Me tooth!
Remember, Frank, no win, no fee.
And we will win.
If you want to keep it, you don't have to bring
it up alone, if you don't.
Shitty!
Oy!
You bastard!
Shop had to close down because of him.
And you don't give a fuck.
Book the abortion.
God!
I've been shot!
Oh my god, Frank.
What have you done?
[music playing]
[moaning]