FRANK: Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate is the Garden
of Eden, but it's been a good home
to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of.
Because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which they've me to thank for. - Run!
Run for it! - Quick!
Leg it!
Move it!
FRANK: Fiona, who's a massive help--
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite-- which is why nobody calls him
Philip anymore.
Ian-- a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,
'cause she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl-- we didn't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toya.
Two, nits love him.
(SCREAMING) No! (SCREAMING) No!
FRANK: Debbie-- sent by god, total angel.
You've to check your change but she'll go miles out
of the way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam-- gonna be a star, once we've
got the fits under control.
[liam screaming]
Sheila-- me bird.
Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
Fantastic neighbors-- Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything-- well, not anything.
But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
one of the most vital necessities in this life
is to know how to throw a party!
[laughter] Scatter!
CARL: The reason everyone loves dogs is, it's dead easy
to know what they're thinking.
With people, it's a bit more tricky.
KASH: State of her!
Imagine waking up to that every morning!
She looks like a bloke.
[laughter]
Thought you said you'd be ready.
Shit.
Sorry, Mandy.
I lost track of time.
Grab these two.
I need a couple of things.
KASH: Why do you need to carry on this charade anyway?
Your mum thinks you're gay anyway.
IAN: I know.
But now, Lip's shagging her, isn't he?
CARL: People have too many secrets.
They're always saying things that mean something else.
With dogs, what you see is what you get.
[sigh]
What's up?
Nothing.
I just-- Do we have to?
I'm not really in the mood.
Suit yourself.
(IN PAIN) Oh!
What was that?
We're in deep shit.
Well, how sure are you?
Five weeks late.
Five weeks?
Kept thinking it would come.
Got this.
We'd best find out.
Give us a bit of privacy then.
[urinating]
I used johnnies every time.
Well, something's gone wrong.
MANDY: Takes two minutes.
Blue line's positive.
[music playing]
Is it definitely his?
Well, it's not yours, is it?
No, I just meant--
I'm not a slapper, Ian.
[door banging]
CARL: I'm bursting!
Tough shit!
Go next door!
CARL: Martin's in there!
It stinks!
LIP: Use the milk bottle!
Fuck off!
[groaning loudly]
Congratulations.
You're gonna be a daddy.
[sigh]
Kev, pint of lager when you're ready.
Pint, is it, love?
What the-- who are you?
Cassie Weston, relief manager.
What's happened to Jez?
CASSIE: Enforced sabbatical, love.
Cassie's from the brewery.
She's covering while Jez retrains.
CASSIE: Yeah.
The trouble with pubs, see, is, people
start taking them for granted.
Thing slide.
Profits dip.
And then, before you know it, you might as well
be giving the beer away.
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
Frank.
Frank Gallagher.
[alarm sound]
Right.
That will be one pound 90 for your lager,
and the rest can come off your tab,
not that it'll make much impact.
[laughing]
VERONICA: (LAUGHING) He totally fancied you!
FIONA: He looked like Uncle Fester!
[laughter] Talk about ugly tree!
He hit every branch--
[laughter]
VERONICA AND FIONA: Twice!
FIONA: Oi, stop it, you little shit!
Get off of me! VERONICA: Ow!
Ow!
Get off of her!
[alert noise]
You little bastard!
[noise stops]
FIONA: Veronica!
Sorry.
I thought it might help.
Two pounds 50 that cost me.
[groaning]
VERONICA: You all right?
Did it have much in it?
FIONA: It's not the money!
The first night I met Steve, he tried to stop
me getting me bag nicked.
Why does everything have to remind me of him?
Oh!
[urinating]
Will she get rid of it?
How the hell should I know?
There's still plenty of time for an abortion.
It's up to 16 weeks.
She can't keep it.
She can't.
I wouldn't mind, I was going to knock it on the head.
I didn't even want the sex anymore.
What?
It were only a jump.
It weren't supposed to mean owt.
She's a fuckin' Maguire.
- Why weren't you more careful? - Than what?
Johnnies?
What do you use, Ian, bin liners?
No, you use Kash's arse.
[footsteps]
IAN AND LIP: Piss off!
CARL: I'm moving out of this house!
[door slams]
Can't you just go around to see what she's thinking?
No way!
You go around.
Who am I?
You're the one who's supposed to be shagging her.
[baby crying]
Can't you shut the fucking kids up?
Sheila, where do you keep that little box with the 2p's in?
Hey, what's going on?
Remember that article you showed me about the dog that
joined Mensa?
Yeah.
Well, on the other side, there was a piece
about toxins in breast milk.
Everything that goes into me goes into them.
I'm damaging them, Frank.
I'm damaging them!
Wait, hey, hey, hey!
No, no, hold on.
Because you know, you're on this stuff for a reason.
Eh?
Medication, medication-- tell her.
He's right, Mam, you can't just throw them all out.
FRANK: You'll be climbing the fuckin' walls!
Sometimes, Frank, we have to make sacrifices.
Look at Joan of Arc.
KAREN: I've got to go now, mum.
A pint of Dog, when you're ready, please, stout yeoman.
One pound and 90 pence.
[sigh] That's one pound ninety off of your tap,
ain't it, Frank?
Hey, wait, no, no, 'cause that's not
playing by the fucking rules.
CASSIE: And what rules are those, Frank?
This is a pub, not a charity.
That's 365 pounds.
And I want every penny back.
Dad wants words.
MIMI: You know why we've brought you.
Our Mandy can't keep secrets, not from her mother.
I only have to look in them pretty brown eyes
to know exactly what's going on.
Up here.
[dog growling]
She's very precious to us, our Mandy,
our one and only daughter.
And you've turned her into a woman.
[dog panting]
Welcome to the family.
[laughter]
My Mimi was up the duff when we got hitched,
don't you worry about it.
Hey, hey! Well done!
Here's to you, son.
And we're gonna be grandparents!
MIMI: Have a drink, Ian!
Ian!
Can I have a word?
Tell me that you love her.
IAN: I love her.
Honest, Mimi, I love her.
You'd better, Ian.
Because she's our princess, Mandy.
And if you ever do anything to hurt her,
your bollocks come off.
Come on, let's get pissed.
IAN: What are we gonna do, Mandy?
You could not have it.
You could just pretend that you lost it.
It happens all the time.
Cindy Baler lost two kids before.
Ian!
We're Catholics.
Mum's pro-life.
She deals drugs out the back door!
So?
It's not the end of the world.
It's a baby.
We'll deal with it.
[sobbing]
She's gonna have it.
There's no two ways.
You're going to be a dad, and everyone's
going to think it's mine!
They've even got a list of freakin' names lined up!
So what do you suggest, Ian?
Announce the truth?
Because that would mean exposing your little secret, bum boy!
[groaning loudly]
LIP: You know, if I got you pregnant, would you keep it?
[laughter]
Would you want me to?
I don't know.
Sort of.
It wouldn't be so bad with you.
You know how to sweet-talk a girl.
You know what I mean.
You're older.
You know, you'd know what you wanted.
Don't worry, Lip.
We'll be careful.
Oi!
You little shit!
CRAIG: All right, all right.
Where's the fire?
A kid that just legged it in here-- and don't deny it,
because I saw him.
He snatched me bag last night.
I want him back, and I'm calling the police.
Dylan!
Out here, now!
Caught you!
This lady thinks she might have took your bag--
I don't think! He did!
Thinks you might have taken a bag last night.
No, she's lying.
Why would she do that, Dylan?
Don't know.
But I ain't got no bag, and I ain't seen her before.
CRAIG: Maybe you've got the wrong kid.
Little wanker!
Fine.
We'll see what the police have to say about it.
Hi.
How are you feeling, love?
(BREATHING HEAVILY) I feel like a new woman.
17 hours, drug-free.
All those pills were drugging up my system.
Well, like Francis of Assisi said, when he got
stigmata, one day at a time.
KASH: Hey, Ian, fancy a break?
No.
All right.
Where's Ian?
Hey, Ian, get your coat.
We're going to the footie.
Hey!
Well, look lively!
Motor's running.
KASH: He's, uh, supposed to be working.
Not anymore, he isn't.
The day he got my Mandy pregnant is the day
he earned himself respect.
Unless you think that doesn't apply.
Chop-chop.
A pint of lager-- not until I am holding it.
[rowdy pubgoers]
PADDY: What's he lookin' at?
Hey!
Want a fucking picture?
Get him over here, Donny.
FRANK: Hey, hey, no, it's all right.
It's-- I'll just--
Ian, Ian!
I'll come quietly.
Jesus, Ian, Ian!
What the fuck are you doing here?
PADDY: Shut it!
You know this joker, Ian?
IAN: Yeah.
That's my dad.
PADDY: Granddaddy Gallagher, huh?
[laughter]
Yeah, well, it's a good job you've found
a proper family to belong to.
Was there something else? - What?
No, I just--
PADDY: Well, piss off back under your stone.
We'll get you another at The Crosses.
[laughter]
CRAIG: Your address was on the work pass.
It's all about pride for kids, isn't it?
He thinks he's street, giving it the mouth.
He's one strike away from the young offenders.
Shouldn't go around nicking people's bags, then.
CRAIG: I agree.
Stepbrother.
Doesn't even live here.
Just darts in when he needs a quick getaway.
Something missing?
Tenner.
No, forget it. It was the bag I wanted.
Craig, by the way.
Fiona.
Under what circumstances would I be called granddad?
I'm no expert, Frank, but I'd say, when one of your kids
has a baby.
Exactly.
The question is, which one?
This one?
Obvious choice.
Frank, I've no idea.
Who is our Ian's girlfriend?
Mandy Maguire, has been for ages.
But they're not even--
no, he hasn't-- oh.
Fuckin' hell.
Fucking granddad.
(SINGING) My old man said, be a Man U fan.
ALL: (SINGING) But I said, fuck off, you're a cunt.
Oh, yeah!
[laughter]
DONNY: Yee-ha!
[laughter]
Dad, Dad, there's Vinnie MacKinnon.
Yee-ha!
PADDY: Catch him, son!
All right, Vinnie?
Hello there, Vinnie!
PADDY: How are you doin', son?
[car screeching]
Hold it there, boys.
Out you get.
DONNY: Come on, Ian!
Yee-ha!
[groaning in pain]
PADDY: People have got to learn to pay their debts, Ian.
You're one of us now.
Need anything sorted, say the word.
All right, all right, all right, lads.
Pack it in!
Still want his mommy to recognize him, huh?
Here, Ian, hold those.
A Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man!
What a goal!
What a goal from Patrick Maguire!
In the dying seconds, he makes it 2-0, and that surely is it,
the World Cup is theirs!
DONNY: Hey, Ian!
Come on!
LIP: Ian?
[ian sobbing]
Ian!
IAN: Piss off, Lip.
Ian, look at me.
Go fuck yourself.
Look, we've got to talk about this, Ian.
It's not just your problem, you know.
I'm the one in this shit.
Listen to me, you smart-ass prick.
The hardest family on the estate, and I'm
the fucking son-in-law.
And why, Lip?
Why?
Because of you!
LIP: Oh, like you have no part in it!
Why have you got fake bird, Ian?
Because it suited you!
Because that's what you are.
That is what you do, fucking queen.
Well, ask me where I've been today!
Fucking ask me!
Football with the Maguires.
A few beers, a bit of a laugh.
Oh, yeah, and on the way home, we kick the living
crap out of somebody.
And not just kicking, Lip.
They hammered him.
And I mean, hammered.
And they enjoyed it.
I can't be part of that family, Lip.
They're maniacs, proper fucking maniacs.
This is your mistake!
You live with it!
VERONICA: Break it up!
Pack it in, the pair of you!
FIONA: Oi!
Oi!
LIP: Come on!
Now, you tell me what's going on!
Somebody better start talking.
It's nothing to do with me.
Must have been hidden.
Must have come out when we were scrapping.
Well, if it doesn't belong to either of you--
Fiona, me dad's here.
He says he wants to have a word with you.
All I'm saying is, she doesn't look like her usual self.
Yeah.
Well, you'd better learn to keep that out and that-- oh, here
he is!
Mr. Big Shot!
Mr. Friend-of-the-fucking-Maguires!
Well, you'd better tell us your big secret, Mr. Big Shot.
Because I thought it was just me,
but no other fucker seems to know!
Leave him alone, Dad!
He doesn't have to tell us until he's ready!
What are you on about?
He's got some bird up the duff.
We've got a right to know!
Especially that slapper!
Fuck off!
Just fuck off, the lot of you!
Just leave me alone!
Can I have his haddock?
CASSIE: What can we do to put a smile on them chops?
FRANK: Chuck yourself off a bridge.
CASSIE: Come on.
You don't mean that, Frank.
FRANK: I just found out my son is going to have a kiddie.
15-year-old lad got his girlfriend lumbered.
He's just tossed his life away before it's started.
What's the sodden world coming to?
This isn't about him at all, is it, Frank?
Hey, bet you don't look at me and think grandma.
[chuckle]
It don't mean you've got to start wearing zip-up slippers,
you know?
Tell you what.
I'll buy you a drink.
Hey. Thought we should have a talk.
What for?
Because we never do.
So?
Carl, they'll still love you, you know, no matter what.
It's Nothing to be ashamed of.
What isn't?
That's not mine.
It's gay!
[knocking on the door]
Dylan sent you these as an apology.
Dylan sent them?
OK.
It might have been my idea.
Tell me to piss off if you want.
No.
I appreciate it.
They're beautiful.
Oh.
It's a long story.
Do you fancy a drink?
You're gonna have to tell them, Ian.
It's the only way out of it.
- The Maguires? - Kash!
I know, it's just, what do you think they're going to say?
They'll hate him for it.
He won't just be a liar.
He'll be a queer liar.
So what's your advice?
Live a lie?
Marriage?
Kids?
Mandy's a nice girl, Ian.
You can't do that to her.
You can't do that to yourself.
You're not doing the honorable thing.
You're just ruining everyone's life.
[dogs barking]
So [clears throat] there's no mum.
She pissed off years ago and moved in with another woman.
What, moved in, moved in?
(LAUGHING) Yes.
[laughter] Sorry.
You can't say she didn't give being straight a decent shot.
I mean, what, six kids?
Who's the bloke?
[door opens and shuts]
Sorry.
Grab another drink.
Ian?
Don't want to talk about it.
FIONA: OK.
You know I'm here when you do.
Listen, I should get back.
No.
Stay.
CASSIE: He writes me these letters,
begging, pleading with me to stand by him.
[patrick chuckling nervously]
I wouldn't mind, but he's doing life.
[patrick chuckling nervously]
You get lonely, though, Frank--
all them nights, sleeping on your own.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the same, you know, single bloke on me own.
It's not easy.
Yeah.
Sometimes, all you want is the warmth
of another body next to yours.
CASSIE: Do you fancy clearing that bar tap, Frank?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
We're talking all of it.
Like it never existed.
You two get off.
I'll finish up here.
No, no, no way!
Look, she's going to clear the whole lot!
Tap gone!
350 smackers vanished!
For sex with you?
Shut up!
What about Sheila?
You can't fucking shag someone for money!
That's scraping it, even by your standards.
Hello, that's why I need you to spring me!
Look, just, you know, feel her up a bit,
get the motor running.
Then, wham!
Kevus interruptus.
Oh, fuck it.
You owe me for this, Frank.
We're talking big time.
[cassie moaning]
Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Cassie, Cassie, Cassie.
Why don't we take it nice and slow?
Fuck that.
I want you in me.
FRANK: Oh, god!
I want you!
Oh, I want you!
Now!
CASSIE: Suck them!
Oh!
FRANK: You want me to suck your tits?
CASSIE: I want you to bang me.
Treat me rough.
I want you to spit on me.
[grunting]
See, Cassie, no!
Cassie, I can't do this. CASSIE: You can--
No, fuck!
It's not that I don't want to.
I'd love to.
Are you playing hard-to-get, Frank?
We'll see about that!
No.
Wait-- [groaning] Oh, oh oh.
[glass shattering]
CASSIE: What the!
What are the fucking chances of that?
Come back here, you bastards!
Two lads, druggies-- I just seen them
running off towards the park!
CASSIE: Right!
I'm calling the police!
FRANK: Big help you were!
You got out of it, didn't you?
Fucking come here!
KAREN: She was all over you!
No!
You can't keep that out of other people's business, can you?
We had a plan!
We had it all sorted out till you came
along and fucked it all up!
Frank, she was sucking you off!
I wouldn't say, sucking.
Do you know your problem, Frank?
You never think about anyone but yourself.
You never take any responsibility
for your actions.
Oh, you're like a pathetic little kid!
Takes one to know one!
Touch her again, and I'll ruin your life.
[chuckle]
KAREN: I mean it, Frank.
Me mum, the house, the kids--
you'll lose the lot.
[baby cooing]
FRANK: What's up with you?
It's the twins.
The twins.
FRANK: What?
What's wrong with them?
Here we go.
SHEILA: Christ, they're evil!
They're evil!
[pigs squealing]
Don't touch me!
[screaming]
[babies crying]
Who'd have kids?
Hey.
You should have woken me.
You OK?
Gotta get the kids ready for school and then off to work,
so--
Should I use the door, or would you rather I
disappeared in a puff of smoke?
[knocking on door]
FIONA: Here's your dinner money.
That's for your trip.
All right.
Is your Ian in?
Engaged party, tomorrow night.
Mum thinks everyone should meet.
See you later, sweetheart.
I've asked her to marry me.
Does that mean we'll be related?
Speak for yourself.
Hey!
Are you right in the head?
- I have no option. - What are you on about?
You can't marry!
You're fucking gay!
Went around last night to talk to her parents,
and I was gonna tell them the truth.
About everything.
But the words wouldn't come out!
They thought I was nervous.
They started talking for me.
Before I knew it, I was getting engaged.
They even gave us a bleeding ring!
You can't do it, Ian.
I've no fucking choice!
What do you want?
Engagement party.
Why are you doing this, Mandy?
He's a better man than you.
Oh, what, are you going to let him marry you?
Mandy, what do you want?
Lip, nothing I want to hear.
What do you mean?
It's my baby!
Ian's brother offering his congratulations.
[yelling in frustration]
Jesus, it's like, meet the mob.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Mimi.
This is Patrick.
Fiona.
Me dad, Frank.
PADDY: We've met.
FRANK: Yeah.
Happy occasion, eh?
Two families joined together by love.
LIP: You can't go through with this.
FRANK: Just like Romeo and Juliet, innit?
Except, you know, without the suicides.
That Shakespeare was no comedy writer, was he?
PADDY: Let the celebrations commence!
FRANK: Yay!
PADDY: Come on!
Pile into the car!
Plenty of room!
Screens up, screens up.
Room for a little one?
Yeah.
If you don't mind the boot.
Don't do this to yourself!
I've changed my mind.
[party music playing]
PADDY: Come on, ladies!
Let's have a dance!
FIONA: We're all right here, thanks!
PADDY: That wasn't a question.
I thought your family were bad.
But they're like the Windsors compared to this lot.
Well, this is what happens when
Willie don't wear a rain hat.
PADDY: Everybody, can I have your attention, please?
Pray silence for the master of ceremonies.
Now, then, as the old saying goes,
we're not so much losing a daughter as gaining a son.
And we want our Mandy to be happy,
and I know this young fellow is going to make her happy.
You'd better hide.
Because if he doesn't, I'll kill him.
[laughter]
There's a young baby on the way, and I know he's
going to make a great father.
So I want you all to raise your glasses for a toast.
To Mandy and Ian!
[cheering]
Call it off!
[cheering]
Call it off!
Call it off.
The whole thing's a joke.
Donny, get him out of here.
The baby's mine.
MANDY: Sorry.
I should have told you, Ian.
[mandy groaning]
You bastard!
[people yelling]
VERONICA: Back off!
Ian!
Ian, Ian!
Tell me you're lying.
[lip groaning in pain]
FIONA: Get your hands off of him!
Your baby brother, eh?
[people yelling]
MANDY: Stop it, please!
It's my fault!
CASSIE: Break it up, the lot of you!
All of you, out of my pub, now!
Oh, you don't scare me, love.
[cassie groaning in pain]
Look at the state of him.
You're a bleeding animal.
I'm so sorry.
Really sorry.
[screaming] They've got the baby!
KAREN: Fucking do something!
(SCREAMING) They've got the baby!
CASSIE: You bloody wanker!
You're barred!
Gallaghers, nothing but scum.
PADDY: Stay the fuck away from this baby.
It's got nothing to do with you cunts anymore.
Scum!
PADDY: Come on, everybody.
Get a drink.
Don't waste all this drink.
Come on, we're the fucking Irish!
[yelling] Fuck all of you!
Welcome back.
Thanks.
Did they hurt you?
Yeah, right.
Felt like an effeminate chimp.
Couldn't let you go through with it, Ian.
You were gonna chuck your life away because of my mistake.
You've made yourself the villain.
They're gonna hate you for it.
Yeah.
Well, that's just something we'll just have to live with.
Don't
Don't worry.
I'm not staying.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I need a favor.
Don't hate Lip.
You can't hate him, because I knew all along about him
and Mandy.
And what about the baby?
There was no way it could be mine.
And yet, you were gonna go along with it?
The engagement and the wedding?
Mandy was my cover.
We'd never even done it.
Don't tell anyone.
Please, Fiona, don't tell anyone.
Look, it wasn't you.
OK?
I just can't get into all that again.
All that?
He broke your heart, yeah?
And you still love him?
That guy in the picture?
I'm sorry.
I was just lonely.
I hardly even know you.
Ain't that the point?
LIP: I never imagined I'd have a kid at this age.
It's what all the fuck-ups do.
Shag some bird, and then piss off and leave
someone else to bring it up.
CSA chasing them for money.
Except, now I am the fuck-up.
She were a good jump, though.
I see you two have kissed and made up.
FRANK: Look who's found her marbles!
SHEILA: The doctors said I should have
never come off the Seroxin.
Hi, you two.
Oh, what's the matter, baby?
Were you missing your daddy?
Oh!
No, give it to him.
It'll be good practice.
Hey, who fancies a beer?
Courtesy of Sheila.
They broke the mould after you, love, didn't they?
Keep taking the tablets.
Hello, Carol!
CAROL: Oh, surprise.
Sheila!
[THEME - THE DANDY WARHOLDS, "WE USED TO BE FRIENDS"]
THEME SONG: A long time ago, we used to be friends.
But I haven't thought of you lately at all.
If ever again, a greeting I send to you--
CARL: Being a human is rubbish, especially in this house.
If it comes to a toss-up between people and dogs,
give me a wet nose every time.
You're not my dad.
Of course I'm your fucking dad.
Fiona had sexual intercourse with Joey Dawson.
Gary Bennett.
FRANK: Fucker.
What do you think, eh?
Mr. And Mrs. Dawson.
[screaming]
[music playing]
GALLAGHERS: One, two, three, cheese!
Er, two, three.
VERONICA: Er, wrong family.
GALLAGHERS: Go on, Sheila.
(SINGING) So long, farewell.
Auf wiedersehen, adieu.
Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you.
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen.
I think I'd better lower the dose.