FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth
Estate is the Garden of Eden.
But it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
and me kids, who I'm proud of.
Because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which to me is thankful. - Run.
Wait for me.
Quick, leg it.
Move--
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Phillip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mum, which is handy for the others
because she's disappeared into thin air.
And Kyle, we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Sawyer.
Two, nits love it.
Debbie, sent by god, soul angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Course, Liam, going to be a star once we've
got the fits under control.
Yah!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, though.
Fantastic neighbors, Kevin, Veronica, lend you anything--
well, not anything.
But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in this life,
is they know how to throw a party.
[chuckling]
Scatter!
ANNOUNCER: And joining Cheryl and Bernadette on this year's
science scholarship to America is a very lucky man
from Greater Manchester, and the first level
to achieve unanimous acclaim from the judging panel.
Ladies and gentleman, Phillip Gallagher.
MANDY: You bothered about this or what?
Sorry.
I was miles away.
PHILLIP (VOICEOVER): Do you ever get that sinking feeling
when something good happens?
One bit of you wants to believe your luck's really changed,
but another bit just keeps saying it's
all going to go up any minute.
WOMAN: You don't need window locks around here.
You need a shotgun.
Prevention is much more effective than cure.
Here.
Stick your name down.
We'll send around the crime prevention officer
and then you get them fitted for free.
For free?
Yep.
Oh, you can't just take them.
You just told me they were free.
Yeah, but you need a home visit first.
You can't just-- these are just for display.
Hold the phone.
Fiona.
Fiona?
Look I'm sorry about, you know, Steve.
Would you fancy driving out somewhere for a drink?
Black Swan maybe?
You know, might cheer you up a bit.
I'll call you later, yeah?
Don't let him get away with that!
Thief!
PHILLIP (VOICEOVER): Winning the science scholarship in a school
that's blacklisted from the league tables wasn't easy,
but I did.
So fuck them.
Snag is, though, I have to cover my own expenses.
So while I'm working around the clock doing
other people's homework to raise cash,
which isn't odd, except for--
For fuck's sake!
I'm trying to do some work.
So?
That's not our problem.
Should stick to doing your own homework.
I'm only doing everybody else's
because I need the money.
Well, get a proper job like me if you need the money.
What if you have to shag the boss up your ass?
WOMAN: That's enough.
Everybody stop.
Argh.
I'm off to Sheila's.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: And there's Nottingham.
They're neck and neck--
Come on, come on.
Oh, it's ready in a minute, babies.
He got it!
Yeah.
Daddy's a winner.
Yeah, hey, hey.
What?
My pink slip for accumulators.
Worth a few bob.
I thought you lot were meant to be going out.
Oh, sorry, love.
Frank, if you've got time, will you pop into Lena's?
I promised to mind her house while she's on holiday.
FRANK: No, sorry, love, I've got to go
and see Jerry at the jockey about that Jackson
Street joinery job.
All right.
Lip'll do it.
SHEILA: Good luck.
Lip, do us a favor.
Nip 'round to my friend's and watch
her fish while she's away.
Key's on the dresser.
[music playing]
IAN: Forget something?
It's shampoo.
I left my purse at home.
Oh, it's shampoo?
Come on, Debs.
What, you're nicking from Kash?
Thought the daft Paki wouldn't notice?
No.
I wasn't nicking, just borrowing.
I always bring them back the next day.
What, does it say "public library" in here?
You shouldn't be watching this stuff, anyway.
I don't watch them.
I only copy them.
[whistling]
If you get caught, then it's nothing to do with me.
All right?
Got anything with vampires in it?
Or zombies?
Or kung fu?
Debbie's in her room.
Go on up.
My mom was human.
She said one minute she was watching "Blade"
and Wesley had his shirt off.
Next minute it went all fuzzy and Basil
fuckin' Brush came on.
What did she want instead?
LUCY: Horror, kung fu, or she wants her money back.
Take your pick.
Have an extra one for three nights, for half price.
Check it out properly.
It's coming out of your money.
Carl has that new one.
They've got tons of new releases.
Have a good rummage.
[knocking]
PHILIP: Fiona.
Can I come in?
You OK?
Anything I can get you?
Cigs?
Booze?
Red Cross parcel?
Carl, Carl, have you checked Lucy's mum's tape yet?
WOMAN ON TV: I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
I hope you're ready to perform for me.
MAN ON TV: Uh-huh, baby.
Are you ready for the king?
Come and enter my Heartbreak Hotel, baby.
MAN ON TV: I want to introduce you to a friend of mine,
darling, from Mississippi.
Love me tender. Don't be cruel.
That's my job.
What?
WOMAN ON TV: Fuck me every which way, you old hound dog.
Mm.
MAN ON TV: Oh, baby.
That feels good.
Glory, glory, hallelujah.
[moaning]
WOMAN ON TV: Elvis tastes--
What film's this?
CARL: It's meant to be Lucy's.
[moaning]
That's Lucy's mum?
The lollipop lady?
Watching your own mum and dad?
Sick.
DEBBIE: That's not her dad.
He's in prison.
Do his ten copies, see if we can shift a few.
WOMAN ON TV: We're caught in a trap, baby.
Make it a dozen.
Sorry, love.
Forgot you were here.
I left one of my books.
Try under your dad.
Didn't get that job.
It's really knocked his confidence.
[baby crying] Oh, coming, love.
Coming.
Just remembered where I left it.
See ya.
SHEILA: Bye!
[music playing]
Hi, ya.
Got some new films.
You two will love it. Hot stuff.
Yeah. See you later.
Billy, come on.
I've got some new videos for you.
Yeah, what do you want?
Contains material of an adult nature.
Hi, are you all right?
All right.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi.
It's a cracker.
So you later. Enjoy.
See you later. See you.
Debbie?
What are you doing?
Debbie?
Fiona know where you are?
Are your minds open to the truth?
Good.
I've been trying all week to tell people that the Lord is
the only truth we need.
Have you got a few minutes?
Sorry, Debbie.
Time doesn't stand still for anyone, you know.
[music playing]
What the--
Hello?
What are you doing in my house?
Out or you're getting this.
No, no, no. Just hang on, now.
I can show you--
WOMAN: I've called the police.
They're on their way.
Two minutes.
They'll be here in two minutes.
Just want to see my client's work.
Just fuck off.
Look, this wasn't me.
POLICEMAN: Nowhere to hide, scuzz.
Nothing.
Put it down.
Look, it's nothing to do with-- whoa.
POLICEMAN: Bottle down.
PHILIP: This wasn't me.
Look, you've got it wrong.
Oh!
Fuck.
Bastard!
Oh!
That is assault.
PHILIP: Piss off.
And this is resisting arrest.
[groaning]
POLICEMAN: Unit 2 to control.
We've made an arrest.
MAN: Molly, keep it down.
Shut it, you bastard.
Hey!
Nobody answers after 50 knocks, it tells me
they're not fucking in.
Fuck's sake, Tony.
Look, do you know where Fiona is?
Gone out.
Probably to avoid stalkers like you.
Why don't you give it a break?
Homegrown.
Better be worth it.
Who's in it?
Molly Connor with some guy who's got
taste for dressing up. - Molly Connor.
Remind me.
You know Molly Connor.
You know, mind your box.
Children pass in.
The lollipop lady.
Oh.
Molly-- been there on--
Five years for GBH.
Shaz reckons it's definitely not him.
She's running a sweepstake.
First to name the boyfriend gets a hamper and a trip
to the brewery.
Yeah, that's a bit of fun when the hubby finds out.
Funny as fuck, though.
Stiffy in the state.
Treat yourself, Frank.
Come on.
Sorted.
Have you Have you seen Fiona? - No.
- Oh shit.
Mind you, you're coming to the nick with me.
Well, hey, look. If it's about them taxes--
It's Lip. He's been arrested.
He needs a guardian. FRANK: Well, hey, no.
He won't want me. He'll want Fiona.
- For what? - Dozing bastard.
Look, I can't.
I got job interviews. - Yeah, but I caught you.
- I've got-- - Frank.
Look, you're either coming willingly or--
All right.
Hang on, then.
Your son is charged with aggravated burglary.
Take the fifth.
No comment.
And resisting arrest.
Take the fifth.
He's saying nothing until he sees a lawyer.
Mr. Puffin is your son's lawyer.
Him?
Fuck me.
All right.
Most serious of the challenges facing your son
is that of assaulting a police officer.
Say nothing.
Sh-tum.
Jesus wept.
He said you only whacked him once.
What, with a mallet?
PHILIP: I didn't do that.
I can't have.
POLICEMAN: You sure about this, Neary?
Go on.
Make it count.
Ow!
So you told your father that you struck this officer.
Yeah, but I--
Yeah, yeah.
But in self defense.
Look at the size of the cock.
Shut up.
Hey?
POLICEWOMAN: Charge him.
Theft, assault, and resisting arrest.
Whatever little bleeding problem it is,
I am not dealing with it.
Right?
Been out for drink, I'm knackered,
and I'm going to bed.
[sigh]
What are you looking at?
Yeah.
Well, call this justice.
You wouldn't know justice if it bit your tits.
I'll see you in court.
Hey, Fiona.
I've done me best, but he stitched us.
They're keeping him in overnight.
What's that about?
You didn't let him say anything, did you?
Just a little bit.
Couldn't you wait, you useless git?
Even you should know that.
Oh, great.
I rushed down here to help out for the good of me
eldest son, my firstborn.
And-- and where the fuck were you?
Couldn't find you.
Had to settle for this joker.
Oh, a fucking German.
Hey, where do I sign for the expenses?
My loss of income and all that?
What I see as a priority is--
You're fired.
Fuck off.
Have a bath.
Who's god?
Any ideas?
Billy Thompson.
Got us off that hit and run during the driving lesson.
Yeah, that's because the instructor had a breakdown
before he got to court, Frank.
Oh yeah.
Ironic or what?
MANDY: All our family use old man Jacks.
Yeah.
And how many of them are behind bars?
Who's that Yorkshire one?
You know, never lost a case.
You know, did the triple murder in the barn.
You know, proved it was the priest, not the husband.
And-- it's Kavanagh.
Kavanagh QC.
Oh.
Oops, I've forgotten the mini rolls.
What kind of legal secretary would I make?
Lip didn't burgle that house?
He twat at a cop, and he said so on tape.
Or rather, you did.
If anybody else blames me, I'm off.
You dick.
Well, somebody must know something.
Why can't we just start asking now and see who knows what?
Starting with who?
Don't know, but we kick enough of them,
someone's going to say something.
What's it like in prison?
Third time's not so bad.
First scared me shitless.
Everyone's after your ass.
Food-- food, fags, stamps, mainly your ass.
Petrocelli.
I used to fancy him rotten.
Lived in a trailer.
[yelling]
Talk. - What about?
Don't fuck about, Carl.
I want to know what you know.
The fifth.
Help yourself, there, Carl.
You knew the keys to the house were at Sheila's, didn't you?
No.
Well, yeah.
I took them, but I didn't mean to--
I swear.
I swear to you. Don't tell him.
Don't tell it, please.
Go on.
Talk.
Me and Trogs just went 'round to watch a video for a laugh.
Vince turned up with his mates.
[chuckling]
I told them to leave stuff alone, honest.
But they just took everything.
KID: Get out of my way.
Smash it.
Quick, get a video.
Grab it. Go on.
Who took some money?
Me and Trogs legged it to take the keys back.
We didn't know Lip went back to get them.
You won't tell any of this, will you?
Go and get it all back.
I can't.
They'll kill me.
This is all your fault. What are you going to do about it?
What do we do?
We?
There's no fucking we.
I'm not going 'round there.
I am.
He needs sorting.
We need to talk.
It wasn't me.
Yeah, who do you think you're kidding, love?
MAN: I think what you need is to put in hours now.
I've got to get home to see me wife.
And then I've got to set the dog out for a bloody piss as well.
Hear me?
Come on.
Never mind ignoring me.
POLICEWOMAN: Mr. Gallagher, you'll
receive a letter shortly advising
you of the court dates.
Check your possessions.
Sign there.
Fiona.
These are all lawyers that the custody office thinks are
twats, meaning they're fine.
Did you speak to Neary?
Well?
Kiss my big, hairy swingers, you fucking loser.
Thanks for trying, Tony.
Thanks for bringing him home.
Hey.
Who you finger out?
What's it to you?
You're not even family.
Fiona deserves better than this.
If it's down to me to sort it, I'll sort it.
You think she'd look twice at you, you fucking psycho?
Psycho.
Is Debbie in?
Sorry, Lucy, she's gone already.
Can I give her a message?
You tell her I gave her the wrong tape.
And Mum wants it back because it's her wedding video.
I'll pass it on.
Don't you worry.
Well?
Can't I leave you alone one minute?
It's just a few tapes for some friends.
They can't afford brand new.
I do some for old people, too.
Can't get out much.
And a cripple.
This is the closest he can remember to what they took.
Memorize it.
This is what you're looking for, OK?
The place will probably be full of knock-off-- fuck off.
It don't matter.
We only want what's on the list.
If she gets her stuff back, then she might change her mind
and drop the charges.
Matt, are you sure you've done this before?
Course.
Dick!
Right.
Who lives there?
CARL: Chucks.
Yeah but who was sleeping there?
His brother, Vince.
Vince's mate, Tel.
And maybe Vince's bird, Shaz.
God.
She's fucking evil.
If she wakes up, leg it.
CARL: What if one does come?
MARTY: You just keep lookout.
I'll do the rest.
Any trouble and we'll torch the place.
No.
No one's going to torch anything.
You promised.
Give me your matches, Marty.
CARL: I don't want to go.
Please.
He's going to be no use to anybody.
He fucking comes, or how will he learn his lessons from this?
How's he going to live with himself if he just bottles out?
Get off.
You've got eyes, haven't you?
It's his fault anyway.
Wake up, Carl.
Time to go.
Carl.
Hang on to him.
I don't want to wake him.
Why wake up?
- What are you giving him? - Speed.
Marty.
Wakey, wakey.
Well, it's fun with the best of times.
They're safe enough.
Come on.
Wake up.
Where the fuck is he?
Getaway car, I saw it.
Now we're talking. Good thinking, Marty.
Right.
One. Two elephant.
Two.
Three elephant.
Focus, fool. Ninja assassin.
(WHISPERING) Hurry up!
Quiet!
Yeah.
Thank you.
Get some more stuff.
Asshole!
Yeah, I've got some fishing rods.
Put them in the--
Just give me--
None of this stuff's on the list.
Where's the stuff? - Huh?
The wrong stuff.
Ski boots!
On the piste!
Ow.
WOMAN: Who's there?
Go, go!
WOMAN: Is anybody there?
Bastard.
IAN: Marty, watch the blasted cars.
You got all the wrong stuff.
You're absolutely fucking useless.
You didn't get one thing on the list.
You just panicked.
And what were the great big robberies
you said you've been on?
Fucking Oxfam shop?
When Fiona finds out, she's going to go spare.
Fiona.
Whoa.
Hi ya, Carl.
You're up early. - Didn't go bed.
Got level seven.
Zombies.
Year a lot with AK-47.
Ran out of health in the graveyard.
Still got second highest score, though.
See you.
Hey, you don't have to go to school, you know.
Stay home if you need some time to yourself.
I'll have plenty of time to myself soon.
FIONA: If you talk like that, you're going
to wreck what time you have.
Yeah, sure.
Five days.
It's just came.
First hearing's next Monday.
They'll keep me in, Fiona.
You know they will.
He's not been out a month has he?
We're going to get you out of this mess.
Hey.
When have I ever let you down?
Hey.
Liam!
What are you doing with that fishing rod?
LIAM: Oh, look.
Our fish is a big one.
Have you got a fishing license for this bedroom?
What's up?
You'll be better off if I was back in prison instead of Lip.
Don't say that, Marty.
We're all doing our best to keep him out.
What's with all the junk?
Did it for you.
And Lip.
For me?
Did what?
MARTY: All this.
Tried to nick the nicest stuff back,
but it all went a bit tits up. Tits!
We?
Who's we?
Me, Ian, and Carl.
Did our best, but--
FIONA: You did what?
You took Ian and Carl on a burglary?
And then you've got the knob to say you did it for me?
Are you mad? MARTY: Just listen, will you?
FIONA: You're right.
We would be better off if you were in prison.
That's where you belong.
Well, just give us a chance.
This better be good.
We thought if we get her old stuff back
she might drop the charges.
And?
It wasn't there.
They must have stashed it somewhere else.
So we just took what we could find.
Anyway, it was Ian's idea.
Don't look at me.
He was the one that took the keys from Sheila's.
The whole thing's his fault.
PHILIP: You did this, Carl?
You bastard.
Never meant to--
I didn't.
What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up, all of you.
How can you all do this?
I turn my back for 10 minutes, and the whole house
goes fucking ape.
Don't you think we're in a lot of trouble?
Can't afford to mess up like this.
Do you understand?
Do you, fuck?
Who do you think you're kidding?
This isn't about us.
It's about you and Steve.
It's about you feeling sorry for yourself.
You feel guilty because you weren't around.
At least Marty was doing something to help.
[music playing]
Shift it, Chucks.
Hey.
Never guess what's happened down at our house.
We've been burgled.
Someone's nicked me grandma.
Who in their right mind steals an urn?
How was I supposed to know what it was?
It had ribbons on it.
Looked like a football trophy to me.
Big Stockport County fan.
Chuck said that she wanted her ashes scattered on the pitch,
but Health and Safety won't let her.
What?
So you keep it on top of the telly instead?
Marty.
How were we meant to trade her in of half
of it's lying on your bed with your porn?
Hold it.
Oh, for god's sake.
Lick my hole.
Good eye.
[phone ringing]
What kind?
I'm not very good at accents.
Anything.
Just so they don't recognize you.
I used to do a passable Shirley Bassey.
It's blackmail, Carol, not "Stars In Their Eyes."
Do an accent.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Mm?
These are they.
No.
You listen.
If you want to see grandma alive again, you know what I mean?
Be at the Jockey at 6:00, and bring
all the things on the list.
Ask for Sven.
Sven's a bloke's name.
Hey.
Anyone here called Sven?
That'll be me.
DVD player.
Yeah.
And a cuddly toy.
Yeah.
All accounted for.
Right.
Now, where's me grandma?
KEVIN: In the ladies, second cubicle.
[music playing]
CHUCK: Gran?
Hey.
This please.
Your stuff.
Now would you believe me?
If you've got my gear, why should I not?
FIONA: Lena, just hear us out.
Lip got the keys to your house from Sheila Jackson.
Fucking mad bitch.
I should've known better than to trust her.
Yeah.
We are related.
Lip only came around to feed the fish.
Who fixed the tap in the kitchen if it wasn't me?
Who put money in the telephone box every time I made a call?
Not all the stuff is mine.
No.
There's some extra bits and pieces to compensate
for your inconvenience.
OK.
Bring them in.
Cheers.
I'm really sorry if I scared you.
If?
What about you, though?
The crap you said when you pulled that knife-- when I came
around to do a bit of homework, next thing I know some cop
is beating the shit out of me.
You broke into someone's house to do your homework?
Other people's homework.
It's what I do to earn a bit of extra money.
I'm saving up to go abroad.
No wonder the police didn't believe me.
If I re-install this lot for you, will you drop the charges?
So what you going to do about Neary and the assault charge?
Oh no.
I do now.
Oh, that's fucking great.
Thanks, Frank.
Please tell us your brilliant idea.
Well, stuff the lot of you.
Go on, then.
What would you do?
Well, if he's that bent, I'd just bribe the bastard.
Brown envelope full of cash, pay him off, simple.
Brilliant. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh yeah. We did.
Then we realized we hadn't got enough between us
to buy a packet of fags.
DEBBIE: I've got 450 quid.
FRANK: What?
FIONA: How much?
DEBBIE: 450.
From the videos.
You can use that if you promise to pay me back.
You told me you hadn't got anything to lend me yesterday.
FIONA: Brilliant Debs.
450.
Is that enough to buy him off, Tony?
TONY: Well, maybe, yeah.
But it's risky, isn't it?
Oh, shut up about risky.
What help have you been?
Think he'll go for it?
TONY: Stan?
- Well, yeah. - Pigs.
Dirty pigs!
He might.
Oh, Frank you mean?
Once again, Frank Gallagher, crisis intervention specialist.
You got something for me?
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, hey.
You've got the wrong end of the stick here.
Shut up. Keep still.
You're clean.
It's not Mission fucking Impossible.
This plant will self-destruct in five seconds.
I'm here to give you a bung.
How much to get him off?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I understood you were interested in renting
my caravan, the South Paw, for a couple of weeks.
Your caravan?
I fucking hate caravans with--
Oh this is a right cock-up.
Who are you meant to be meeting?
You.
You should have got some holiday money for me.
Oh.
Right.
The caravan.
All right.
So how much for a fortnight in the caravan?
A grand.
Fuck me.
Oh, I fucking need a pint.
He wants a grand.
FIONA: Tell him no way.
It's that or 250, then go up in twenties if you have to.
450 is the absolute limit.
All right.
Leave it to me.
I can read him like a book.
210, our final offer.
Up yours, sunshine.
Wait.
I've heard your final offer.
Caravans are rather more sophisticated
these days than Clampetts like you could appreciate.
This is all we've got.
Take it.
Just don't let him go to prison.
It's way short.
But there is a way that you can make up the difference.
Oh yeah?
We could come to some sort of arrangement.
Back of the van now for a quickie, and then
you can save me a couple on a calendar.
Little birdie tells me that you like fucking
coppers and car thieves.
Piss off.
No deal.
And this just about covers you wasting my time.
Are you OK?
I did warn you, didn't I?
He's a twat.
Listen, how far are you prepared to go to sort him out,
hey?
All the way.
Anything.
If you really mean that, I reckon we can nail him.
Here.
You don't have to do this now, you know?
Well, it saves all the scrapping later.
Just don't go.
We'll hide you in the roof.
It worked for Frank.
They caught Anne Frank.
Yeah, but not for ages.
Big prize for the first one to guess
what I'm going to do with this.
Lip?
Phillip Gallagher, Sarge.
He decided to make a full statement.
Confession?
Let's get you in the interview room.
Come on.
POLICEWOMAN: Sergeant Neary, PC Howe.
Interview room 2 immediately.
NEARY: Whoa.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
He just wanting to talk us.
Amazing what a bit of community liaison can do.
NEARY: He's mine.
Are you going to tell me something new or not?
Where is he?
Sarge?
Sorry to bother you, but I think we might have a problem.
Why don't you kiss my big hairy swingers?
Here.
[muffled yelling]
POLICEWOMAN: Jesus.
Stop him.
Stop!
Come on.
[groaning]
Come on.
This wasn't me.
It's a total fucking stitch-up, Sarge.
POLICEWOMAN: Shut up, Neary.
Mr. Gallagher, do you wish to file a formal complaint?
Well, that depends.
POLICEWOMAN: On?
Whether he's saying I twatted him or not.
Oh, come on.
You're being blackmailed here, Sarge.
No.
You are.
And pretty successfully, I'd say.
So it's make your mind up time.
Are you pressing charges or not?
Fine.
And you two better watch your fucking backs as well.
KEVIN: Right.
Come on, you tight bastards.
Get your hand in your pockets.
15 quid, right.
Going for the last time now, for a beautiful pair
of ladies ski boots.
Top of the range.
Going to the lovely lady in the corner.
They're going once.
They're going twice.
Hey, they've gone.
She's a winner.
Hey, by the way, let's not forget why we're
here, what it's all in aid of.
Chatsworth Estate's answer to Ronald Biggs, the one,
the only, ladies and gentlemen, at the bar over there,
Mr. Lip Gallagher.
Don't' forget, this auction's being held to raise
money to send Lip to America.
So dig deep.
For me?
Is this for me, then?
No. I'm off.
I'll catch you later.
WOMAN: Right, everyone.
There's one more item to auction.
And then we're going to kick off the karaoke.
So can I have a couple of volunteers to get us started?
Come on, then now, love.
Can I have a crack, then?
Give us your George Formby?
No, I can only do Gene Pitney.
No one knows who he is anymore, so you go.
WOMAN: OK.
Now my glamorous assistant-- isn't she gorgeous?
She's got all the lot 41.
Another brand new, mint condition fishing rod and reel.
Who's going to give us-- who's going to start
the bidding at 20 quid?
20 over here.
20.
FRANK: Fucks sakes, Sheila, you've already got one.
I know.
I've got one each, one each for later, when they're older.
Stop the arguments.
She's not daft.
Come on.
Who's going to give us 25?
25 over here.
Sweet Jesus, give me strife.
LENA: Lip.
What are you doing here?
Nothing illegal.
I told you it's my night off.
I said you could come and work here tomorrow.
I didn't come to do homework.
I bought you a present to say thanks and that.
Oh, well, you didn't have to.
I take it you didn't nick it.
Receipt's in the box, in case you weren't so keen on it.
I thought you could do with extra security.
LENA: I know how to look after myself, normally.
Maybe so.
But you need eyes in the back of your head 'round here.
My boyfriend used to work opposite shifts to me.
So the house was always occupied.
What, so you only get to see each other at tea times?
How does that work?
It doesn't.
PHILIP: Listen.
Say if I'm out of order, but--
I'm pretty good in the sack.
And why would I want to know that?
Better out than in.
How old are you?
36.
I'm off to run a bath.
Like I said, Lena, give us a shout if you need a hand
with your back scrubbing.
The bath's for you.
All right.
Can I have bit of hush now, please, everyone.
Don't worry, Anne.
It'll be your turn soon.
Now then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onstage,
with the voice of an angel and body of a baby hippo,
it's PC Scott Waterman with his rendition of--
[cheering]
[MUSIC PLAYING - ELVIS PRESLEY, "SUSPICIOUS MINDS"]
(SINGING) We're caught in a trap.
Thank you.
I can't walk out.
Because I love you too much, baby.
Why can't you see what you're doing to me?
When you don't believe a word I'm saying.
Come on, everybody.
We can't go on together with suspicious minds.
And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds.
There you go again, asking where I've been.
MANDY: Congratulations.
You're going to be a daddy.
You're going to be a dad and everyone's
going to think it's mine.
IAN: But she's a fucking Maguire.
Our one and only daughter.
And you've turned her into a woman.
I just saw your tits.
A Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man.
What a goal!
Welcome to the family.
Honest, Mimi, I love her.
You better, Ian.
Your bollocks come off.
Come on, let's get pissed.
[theme music]
[moaning]
STAN ON TV: Elvis has left the building!
Debbie!