FRANK GALLAGHER: Now nobody's saying that Chatsworth worth
Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home
to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids,
who I'm proud of because every single one of them
reminds me a little of me.
They can't think for themselves, which
they have me to thank for.
Quick, leg it!
FRANK GALLAGHER: Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Phillip any more.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the others,
because she's disappeared int thin air.
And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons,
one it stands on end and make him look like Toyah, two,
nits love it.
Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of the way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've
got the fits under control.
Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
The truth is out there.
Not.
Fantastic neighbors-- Kev and Veronica,
lend you anything, well, not anything.
But all of them, to a man, know first
and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in this life
is they how to throw a pie.
Hey, hey, scatter!
People say that children are the future.
Teach them well ad let them lead the way.
But after you've had eight of your own,
you realize that's a load of bollocks.
Darwin had the right idea.
Just leave the little buggers to fend for themselves.
Hey, lovebirds, happy anniversary.
Yeah!
No, way.
Oh, all right.
What's with the tank?
Well, I needed something hefty to guard all this.
Oh, yes.
Good man, Steve.
[loud music playing]
[phone ringing]
Phone's ringing.
Wall residence.
Who?
I can't hear you.
You must speak up a bit.
Well, you'll have to shout because I
can't hear a fucking word--
Calvin?
Oh, Kev.
Happy anniversary.
There's people waiting out here.
Hang on a minute.
All yours, Carol.
Rico.
Shit.
So savage.
Jesus, Kev, how much did you put in here?
There's no point baking it unless it's loaded.
[laughter]
Hey, let the merriment commence.
Where've you appeared from?
I thought you'd gone ages back.
I went looking for him, upstairs,
downstairs, in my lady's chamber, no where to be seen.
Put me head down for five minutes.
Woke up, fucking birds are twittering.
You welded to that or what?
But you know what that is, don't you?
Exhaustion.
Two screaming kids up, down, up, down all night.
Never get a wink.
What did you want me for anyway?
Fuck knows.
Somebody, phoned.
Oh, yeah, right.
Oh, right,
[laughter]
It was a woman.
She's a big posh.
Said she wanted to talk to you, said it was important,
Dad!
What, I'm not a fucking secretary.
I went looking for you, you vanished.
What did she want?
Can you remember, honey?
[laughter]
Well, the truth is, I don't Marissa.
Marissa Platting.
Social worker.
Jesus Christ.
You could have mentioned it.
Think now, Frank.
What did she say?
What were her exact words?
She said something about um, about coming
round in the morning.
She said something about having a kiddy.
Why did you never mention it?
There's nothing to mention.
Fostering a kid?
I know, but--
to be honest, we never really thought it would happen.
What about
The tests?
Suitability assessment.
They don't just give you a child.
The thing is, Kev didn't want anybody knowing.
Why not?
He thinks it's his fault. It's not that we can't have our own,
it's just we haven't--
the fish aren't swimming.
Oh.
Toast.
My own daughter throwing me out.
As if it isn't bad enough, I'm losing my home and now this.
What have I done to deserve it?
Just tell me and I'll put it right.
Mum, it's against the rules.
You haven't been vetted.
I'm that child's grandmother.
As good as.
Yeah well, you can't stay.
So you're blank shooting blanks.
I swear, one more time and you are getting a twatting.
And he definitely can't stay.
Fucking arsonist.
We've nowhere to go, Veronica.
Yeah, we'll ring our Barry!
You're joking, after last time?
[door buzzer]
Jesus.
Will you be happy when I'm on the street,
pushing all my possessions round in a shopping trolley.
Jaffa.
Veronica, isn't it?
It's nice to meet again.
You must be, don't tell me.
Kev.
Good, excellent.
A-1.
Shall we? - Hello.
Hey, Megan.
Get up, you stinking pigs.
All right.
Carol, what the bleedin' hell are you--
We're homeless.
Got the kettle on?
Emergency placement, Eric Tatchell, 10 years
old, lovely lad.
He was born in Hardwick, not the posh bit but,
nice enough so he won't be stealing your purse
to buy crack cocaine.
[laughing]
His parents played the stock market,
got into debt, big debt.
Day before repossession of the house,
they do a bunk to Malaga in Spain.
Only one problem, they neglected to tell Eric.
Jesus. What?
They went without him?
Oh, I've seen it all in my game.
You'd be shocked.
And you know what?
It's always the snooty ones that are the worst.
We need people like you any day of the week.
Purpose of the trial placement is to give you a chance
to see how fostering suits you and me a chance to find
more permanent care for Eric.
Everyone's a winner.
try and think of it as a dress rehearsal.
Top marks here, and we'll find you something longer term.
And how long will it be before we get him, Marissa?
Oh, did I not mention?
He's waiting in the car.
Eric, I'd like to introduce you to
a new temporary foster parents, Veronica and Kevin Ball.
You can call me Kev.
Treat the place like your own.
Whatever you want, it's yours.
If you're hungry, eat.
If you're thirsty, drink.
But keep your hand off my lagers.
We want you to feel at home.
So if there's anything you want to know,
don't be afraid to ask.
Who are they?
Ah, the neighbors.
You all right?
Oh don't mind me being nosy.
You've got it proper nice up here, Fiona.
We like it.
Big house though just for the two of you.
Lip, Ian, Carl, that's Steve.
And that's the lovely young Debbie.
Tosspot!
And that's me brother, Marty.
Oh, yeah, lick of paint, couple of rugs,
you could get it proper nice up--
And that's me mum, Carol.
And that's my best friend in the world, Fiona.
Oh, he's like a little street urchin.
So, why don't you go and play a game or something?
Show Eric your table football.
No chance.
I'll show you upstairs.
I've got the biggest room in the house.
They can't stay here, Veronica.
Oh, please, Fiona.
It won't be for long.
Just while we've got Eric.
Daddy was to give us more space, not less.
What about Martin?
He only burns things when he gets angry.
Just keep him away from Mum's fellas.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Don't be such a pain.
OK.
But only till they get themselves sorted.
Thank you.
Eric?
Devi.
Acute appendicitis.
We are going to have to operate.
Come on, Eric.
I think it's time to go home.
It's great, isn't it?
Having our own little kiddie in the house.
He's a right miserable little twat.
Kev, we have to make a go of this.
Be serious about doing it full time.
You heard what the social worker said.
Screw this up, and we'll not get another.
Right.
Not tired are you?
We can't.
What if he hears?
Turn the volume down.
No.
Just wank us off then.
Eric?
Eric.
There you are. Uniform.
Good boy.
Breakfast.
Right.
Juice?
Eric.
Help!
Please don't do this to me now.
Don't pump it.
You'll flood the fucking engine.
Well, if you'd fund me for a decent car,
this wouldn't be a problem!
He's turning green!
You worked in a fucking hospital!
Yeah, as a fucking cleaner!
What's going on?
You killed him.
What's happened to him?
I found him on the dining room table, white as a sheet.
Call an ambulance.
Oh, yeah, like we did for my uncle.
He'll be dead by the time it gets here.
Well, we'll never get him there in this.
Steve's car.
Steve!
Fiona, get the keys!
How did you find him?
He was just lying there.
Lying there like what, V?
Like a collapse or like he'd taken something?
He's not topped himself, Steve.
Well, some kids do, you know, especially in care.
Steve!
Well, maybe he's allergic like I am with eggs.
He's just a kid.
How can anyone give us a kid?
All right.
[police siren]
Shit.
Is that for us?
It's all right.
Just tell them we're rushing him to hospital.
They'll probably give us a escort.
Who's been fingerprinted?
Has anyone here been fingerprinted?
What you on about?
[retching]
Oh, Jesus, Jesus.
Hey, mate.
Are you all right, mate?
You can be sick again if you need to.
Come on, get it all up, darling. Hey?
What's he got in here?
It's hash cake.
From the pie?
[laughter]
He's been at the hash cake.
He's gonna live.
Hold on tight.
Steve.
It's only bit of hash cake.
This isn't my car.
Can you believe that?
Nicked car.
Feeling any better?
What are we doing here?
Fucking car thief You've gone up in my estimation.
So, were they all nicked?
Wondered where all the flash came from.
Listen, kept it secret for a good reason.
Cause less people know, less chance
there is of getting caught.
Don't go spreading it around, right?
Nowhere to live.
You nearly killed us all.
Fiona.
There was no other way.
He's feeling better.
Dicky tummy.
Yeah, probably something he's eaten.
Yeah, we're getting plenty of fluids
down him, so, he should be right again in a night or two.
No, no, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Yeah.
We'll bring him in this afternoon.
Bye.
Do you fancy a piece of cake?
We can do this, Kev.
We can be good parents.
From now on, we've just got to try
really hard not to kill him.
This is hard work, V.
We're doing fine.
Who's this?
Looked like a smile.
His mom and dad do a bunk to Spain.
Social services lumber him with two complete strangers
in an area he hardly knows.
I don't think I'd be doing cartwheels.
We've got to work at it.
This is how it will be when we have our own.
But it will be ours.
I know what to say to ours.
I'm off.
I've got to go to work.
Be all right?
Yeah.
Be fine.
Killer Killer, he's the killer.
Can Debbie come out to play?
Don't know how you've managed five of them,
practically on your own.
Not magic a bond, Veronica.
It takes time.
I know.
And I really want to make it work.
But, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing.
No one has.
Just got to find your own way through.
Cheers, man.
Here's to kids, little shit bags.
See, that's the trouble with that game, fostering, adoption.
It's like having other people's shoes, isn't it?
I mean, it's all right if they're a couple of days old,
but you don't want them after they've been worn in.
It's like you want to put your mark
on them, little bit of yourself going into the next generation.
Mind you, they only end up hating you,
so what's the fucking point?
[babies gurgling]
Hi, ya.
How's my two favorite boys?
Get lost, will ya?
Bug off!
What's the matter with him?
Lost his sketch pad.
Well, did he tell the teacher?
Maybe someone took it. Well, did you ask him?
Veronica, this fostering, I'm not
sure if we've made a mistake.
Maybe we should call Marissa and tell her we're not up to it.
Is this because we haven't had sex all week?
No.
It is, isn't it?
Kev.
Brilliant.
Typical bloke, always thinking with that.
If we can't do a good job with him,
what chance do you think we stand to get another one?
I don't know if I want another one.
All this was your idea.
No, it wasn't.
It was yours.
I just went along with it for you,
because you want us to have a kid
and I can't give you one any other way.
I'm sorry about going under this time, mate.
I wouldn't have bothered you if it wasn't important.
I uh, I need a word with Steve.
Green Cherokee, Eastern Street car park, last Friday.
It was you, wasn't it?
You've been caught on CCTV, Steve.
Don't worry.
They can't tell it's you, but it needs to go back, like now.
Whose is it?
Chief Inspector's.
Well, his Mrs. Pride and joy, apparently.
He said he wants the bastard's head on a stick.
Shit, Steve.
Yeah, he's pulling out all the stops, overtime, the works.
Anyone would figure we're after a serial killer.
You've have still got it?
Yeah, it's safe.
Shit.
Come on, Come on, it's time for school.
Eric.
I'm not going.
School.
Everyone has to go to school.
Get lost.
Come on, Eric.
You just--
Whoa.
Leave me alone.
What's the story?
Eric, mate, you haven't gone and pissed the bed, have you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Why can't everyone just leave me alone?
Oh!
You are?
Eric?
Eric.
It's a green Grand Cherokee. All right?
If anything comes up, you've got to give me a call.
- Steve, Steve, Steve. - What?
You seen young Eric?
Excuse me.
No, no.
Promise me, Grand Cherokee, green.
Got that?
So what you doing in here?
The only any place I can get some peace.
Haven't seen the kid, have you?
No, Kev, no, no, I'm haven't seen him anywhere.
Come on, mate, school.
No.
If he doesn't want to go--
He's got to go to school, Frank.
It's the law. Come on.
The law.
Law of the fucking jungle.
Come on, do you remember school?
That bloke had it right, you know, Lord of the Flies.
They're fucking cannibals.
Come on, mate.
What's he doing now?
Now, he's walking round.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it?
What?
To be that age again, heh?
Oh, best years of your life?
Well, you can tear look off your mug, you sour faced bitch.
We're fucking parents, not perverts.
- Frank. - What?
Are you trying to get us reported?
Where is he?
Bottom left-hand side.
Where the fuck's he?
Oh.
Oh, fuck, no.
What is it?
There.
Jesus Christ.
I know.
Fucking girls.
Are you just going to fucking sit there?
Or do something.
Like what?
That is your son.
You're his protector.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
What are you doing?
We're going in.
No, no, no.
Get out of the way!
Dentist appointment.
Running late.
Drop us at the Jockey on the way home.
Just snatch a kid and expect to get away with it,
ya daft sod.
You didn't see it.
They were turning him over.
Poor little shit.
He's a fucking pansy.
He's not a pansy.
Girls are scary at that age.
If you don't stop it now, he'll spent
his whole life being bullied.
He's right.
He can't go through his life being bossed about by women.
Why not?
You do.
He needs toughening up a bit.
Admit it.
You fostered a pansy.
Lip. [crack]
[groan]
How's that, you fucking pansy?
No Joy?
It's only a matter of time.
It will be OK.
What if it all turns bad, Steve?
It won't.
You need to cop his car.
If they catch you, they'll screw you.
They won't.
How do you know?
You're not charmed, Steve.
You walk around like you're immune to bad luck.
But things go wrong.
People get caught.
That's what happens.
That's life.
Hey.
Don't want to lose you.
Then look, everything's solvable.
I'll find a replacement.
Trust me.
All right?
Male child, 10 years old.
Restraint of parents vital.
[crash]
Upstairs.
Come on, upstairs.
What's going on?
[yelling]
Who are you?
Fuck you.
What are you doing?
What is going on?
Hey, where are you going with him?
Get
Off.
You're hurting me.
Vanessa!
[yelling]
What's going on?
Where are they taking him?
Keep out of this, you and get back indoors.
They're taking Eric.
It's all my fault.
You haven't done anything wrong.
The school must have told them that I did the Italian Job
across the playground.
Either that or they just decided
they made a big fucking mistake giving
us a kid in the first place.
Wish we could have another chance.
Just one more chance.
It's them again.
They brought him back.
Three times in six months this has happened.
It was supposed to be Riggord Street.
Ah, look.
Somehow your details got put in by mistake.
We will be writing to you about compensation,
which I hope you'll appreciate.
It was a genuine mistake.
Oh, come on, mate.
You were scary out there, man.
I thought you were going to take that copper's head off.
You can use that, you know, in the playground.
Same thing happened to e when I was your age.
Tough kids, picking on me.
It's hard to believe now, but I wasn't
the best looking kid in the world Greasy hair, spots.
They used to call me dot to dot.
Made my life a misery.
Then one day, I cracked.
I decided to do something about it.
So I got an old fella to teach me how to box, proper lessons.
So then I knew, whatever happened,
I'd always be able to stand up for meself.
I know your old fella's flown south.
But if you're interested I can always teach you.
You know?
[banging]
Let's get ready to rumble!
Now, remember what I said, jab, left, right, left, right.
Go, one, two.
One, two, Get your head up.
Get your head up.
Bang, bang, bang.
One.
two, three.
Mate, keep em up.
Stop huffing and puffing.
Keep your head up.
Focus, concentrate, keep your balance.
Left, right. Hey.
Told you about that.
Rabbit punches. Don't be doing that.
Come on, dig in.
Four, five.
That's it, six.
Take a breath. you're wearing yourself out.
Get your arms up.
Boom. Give me a big round.
That's it.
Good lad. - Tosspot.
- Spunkface.
Spunkface.
Bucket biff.
That last one's only for girls, right?
[cheering]
(CHANTING) Eric. Eric.
That's my boy.
Can we go to a real boxing match one day, Kev?
In a proper stadium?
Of course we can.
Yeah, next one in town.
Really?
On me life.
Kev, don't be promising things you can't deliver.
I'll take him to a fight.
When?
We're not keeping him, Kev.
Tomorrow they're going to take him
to the next lot, who'll promise him a lot
of stuff they can't deliver.
It's not fair.
Thing is, I have--
Kev, he's beating the hell out of him.
Thing is, I've started to enjoy having him here.
I'm starting to get there, you know?
The whole father something.
Can't stop.
Passing through.
Have you taken leave of your senses?
Got a date with Rico, but Marty
won't let me out of his sight.
Rico?
Yeah, tell him.
[buzzing]
I'll have a continental.
I'll get it.
Hello, mate.
Is beautiful Carol at home?
Rico.
My darling.
If Marty asks, I've been here all night, alone.
Come on, my darling.
Where's the car parked?
Isn't it time you were going home?
We just found a way to keep in touch after he leaves.
See you, kid.
Don't forget to pack your suitcase, Eric.
Social worker's coming in the morning.
I want to stay here.
That's not an option, sweetheart.
Hey, the next place you go it will be nice.
They might have Sky Sports.
You can watch as much boxing as you want.
No point without Kev.
Fucking shit.
I'm heading up.
Yeah, I'm coming too.
You all right, Marty?
I'm waitin' up for her.
Your mom's a big girl now, Marty.
She can look after herself. - Whore!
Slag!
Slaggy whore!
It's not funny, Steve.
It's freaking me out.
I keep dreaming about the house being on fire.
He's just having a few problems adjusting to the fact
that his mom's got a sex life.
With men half her age.
Fucking slut.
Kill.
Ah.
Come to me.
No, no, no, no.
Hey, let's go round the corner.
[laughing]
Just round here.
[giggling]
Marty.
[gasp]
Slut!
Talk dirty in Italian.
Oh, that makes you horny.
I've got a dirty mind.
Mum is a slag!
Bastard.
Burn.
Marty!
Jesus Fucking Christ!
What the heck is going on?
Marty!
Fucking madman!
What happened to your accent?
She's my mother.
You don't touch my mother, ever!
Oh!
Marty!
What the fuck are you doing?
Come on, mate, don't do anything stupid, mate.
She's my mother.
I'm entitled to a sex life.
Steve, no!
Look, Marty, just give me the lighter.
Stay back!
Look, she's your mother and you love her.
So you want to protect her.
That's fine.
Everybody understands that.
She loves you more than anything else in the whole wide world.
More than she loves that bloke.
He's right, Martin.
He's nothing but a fake.
Just give me the lighter, Marty, and nobody
comes to any harm.
Yeah.
(TEARILY) Oh, come here.
[sobbing]
Come on.
What's happening?
What the fuck is going on?
Look out.
[hooting]
It's going to blow.
[scream]
Run him off. That's where he belongs.
Mrs. Ball, I'm PC Wicker.
This is Mary Ryan and her daughter Evelyn.
Yeah?
Are you currently the guardian for Eric Brenden Tatchell.
Yeah, why?
What's the matter?
Have you seen what the little shit's done to me daughter?
[laughs]
Good lad.
Wait till I get hold of that little shit.
Eric.
Eric, mate.
Thought you were a bit quiet.
Debbie.
I don't know anything about it.
What's he doing with this?
Said he wanted to practice drawing girls' faces.
So I let him keep it.
Debbie, this is serious.
That girl Evelyn, he's really hurt her.
He's batted seven shades of shit out of her.
I've got nothing to do with it.
What's this then, Debs?
Evelyn, Keeley, Belinda.
Christ.
He's going to do all three of them.
He was only meant to scare them.
[knocking]
My mum says if you want money, you've got to come back Friday.
You Keeley Pilkington?
What's it to you?
You all right?
Yeah.
Hello, mate.
Is, is Belinda in?
Depends on who's asking.
Yeah.
That's him.
- Hey, you dirty bastard. - No, man, no.
Got the wrong man.
Snatching kids from playgrounds.
Shit.
[honking]
Fuck's sake.
You've got problems.
I take it Eric's been round, hey?
Has he, fuck.
They think I'm a nance.
All we need to do is sign the hand over papers and that's it,
you're finished.
Where is the little feller anyway?
The thing is, Marissa, there's something
we need to tell you about Eric.
He doesn't want to leave.
I like it here.
I want to stay.
Oh, well, never mind.
Run along and pack your bags.
You've got to be cruel to be kind.
I'm not a wimp anymore, Kev.
I know.
I wouldn't mess with you.
I did it for you, so you'd be proud of me.
How come you only did Evelyn?
She's the leader.
She tells everyone what to do.
Didn't need to do the others after that.
Come on you two, time to go.
Thanks, Kev.
All right.
Come on.
So where you going to say you found it?
Doesn't matter anyway.
Main thing's call the dogs off.
22 grand these go for.
So even when everyone's had a cut, you must be clearing what?
14, 15?
Somewhere in the ball park?
What do you want, Tony?
Partnership.
Position I'm in, I could help someone like you big time.
I'm talking information.
You still nick the cars.
We still cut the deals.
I make your life a hell of a lot easier.
Man on the inside, yeah?
OK.
See you, mate.
See you, Kevlin Ball.
Hey you lot, come and say goodbye to Eric.
Come on.
Door's open.
Excellent.
Big success.
You've done yourselves proud.
Nice to meet you.
See you around, mate.
So, how do you fancy a nice little Chinese girl?
Hm?
See you, Champ.
Winnie Chong.
Long history of emotional abuse, but
she's a cracking little cook.
I tell you what, we'll let you know.
Okey, dokey.
Bye.
You'll make a good dad one day, Kelvin Ball.
I've missed you.
Missed us.
I want it to be me and you again.
But I thought--
I'm not saying never, just not yet.
Because once we've got all that, we won't have all this.
And if it ain't broke--
FRANK GALLAGHER: Now don't get me wrong, whether you have
your own or ship one in ready made, kids are handy,
nipping down to shops, brewing up, that kind of thing.
Right, come on everybody.
Hey, you can come and help me peal the potatoes.
Who's chopping the onions?
He is.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Take a word from the wise.
Expect disappointment.
That way, no matter what happens,
you're always pleasantly surprised.
Have you noticed anything unusual?
Everywhere you turn it's like people have started gardening.
There's a year's free rent for the house
with the best kept exterior.
Do you like it?
I still don't understand why the twins can't go with you.
She's in hospice.
It's a raid.
Temporary cessation of license pending appeal.
Closing us down.
See you tomorrow.
Can't wait.
Four fucking kisses.
He's met someone else.
Who the fuck is Kerry Anne?
Bastard.
He's wearing me knickers to work.
And now it's this.
Where have you been?
Stoke.
I thought told you.
Hey, where's the twins?
Now, don't worry.
Because Sally's looking after them and she loves kiddies.
That's a fucking bloke.
[theme music]
Spunk face.
Bucket of spunk.
Everything all right, Eric?
Piss flaps.