FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate
is the Garden of Eden, but it's been
a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids,
who I'm proud of.
Because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They cal all think for themselves.
Which they've me to thank for.
Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody
calls him "Philip" anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the others
because she's disappeared into thing air.
And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end, and makes him look like Toya.
Two, nits love him
Debbie!
Sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change, but she'll miles out
of the way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've
got the fits under control.
[shouting]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
The truth is out there.
Not.
Fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well, not anything.
But all of them to a man who knows first
and foremost how to party.
One of the most vital necessities in this life
is they know how to throw a party.
Heh heh heh, scatter!
SHEILA The thing I love most about living with Frank?
Life's never short of surprises.
Because, of course, the fact he has three testicles.
But he were never short of a giggle on a rainy day.
Next was, no matter how long Frank spent
with his own family, he never seems to know for certain how
many of there are actually are.
[shouting]
VOICES: All right!
Frank?
You smell that?
What, me?
Is it me?
June.
No.
June, and wages.
[music playing]
Come at a bad Kev?
Karen, you're freaking me out there.
No one ever knocks on the back door unless it's trouble.
Come in.
I've just moved into a flat on Pinney Street.
I'm a bit stuck till I find someone to share in there.
Well, I'm sorted here, obviously.
Me mom said there might be a job going in the Jockey.
Oh, barmaid, yeah.
Part-time.
Hey, but it's not for a faint hide.
I just wondered if you'd, um, put a good word in for us Kev?
This t-shirt with this neck?
I have a v-neck with more of a dip.
Bit of a dip, Veronica.
Definitely.
Couple of dips.
I'd jump you.
Thanks, Conrad.
You're an absolute angel.
Hey, choir.
Very good.
Uh-- meanwhile.
Hi, Veronica.
Just nipped around to see if Kevin could give us a few tips.
You know, the job at the Jockey?
I have a few for you.
Get some conditioner on that hair before you start a fire.
And if you want to lose some weight, try less makeup.
I was only asking.
Like I'm only telling.
Now fuck off! - Cheers, Kev.
All right.
Why did you have to be so nasty?
Listen. She's not your friend.
Possession is 9/10 of the law.
Jesus.
[doorbell ringing]
NEVILLE: Sheila Jackson?
Have I won?
I'm sorry?
I have to take cash prize option,
because I'm a bit phobic about having my photograph taken.
Ah, Neville Gallagher.
Frank's father.
I hear I've two new grandchildren.
I'm sure Frank thinks you're dead.
Frank!
You're dad's brought presents for the kids!
So he's not dead.
Down when I can.
Nigel and Delia.
I might've guessed that you were a fan
of the raw ingredient, Sheila.
Proper cooking?
I'm absolutely fanatical about it.
Aren't I, Frank?
Well, well.
Frank?
Dad.
What about these two, then?
Ah, little Nigel, little Delia.
Yeah.
They're like angels when they're sleeping.
What are they like when they're awake,
though, eh Sheila?
Hm?
Helps out, does he?
Took 'em to the Jockey for the quiz on Tuesday, didn't you?
The pub?
No.
Playgroup.
Multicultural harmony, and dozens of darkies,
and chinks, and stuff, Dad.
SHEILA Is it?
Well, at least that's something.
Age 23, his mother was elected councilor for Denton South.
She fought and won that campaign entirely on childcare
for single parents.
My mom's completely dulally.
Well, that's cruel.
I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no.
She's loving it.
She thinks they've let her stop paying the bills.
- And they haven't? - No.
No, I'm taking care of all that for her.
Which I love, because I'm very good with numbers, yeah?
Oh dear, oh dear.
Two new bairns, an upset mother, a house to look after.
You'll be needing all the support you can get, won't you?
Hey, what's for brekky before I go to work, Sheila?
You got a job?
No.
Bit I have to slip into Stratford
to see Stevie Sullivan about a second-in-charge
at Sampson's sawmill.
Is that right?
Yeah, well, you do what you can
these days, haven't you, Dad?
Mouths to feed.
Absolutely.
Eight now.
I know.
That's it.
I'll-- I'll skip brekky making.
An early start.
It's nice to see you, Dad.
Look after yourself, huh?
[music playing]
[baby crying]
Excuse me, mate.
You got the time?
Five past eight.
[playing harmonica]
[thump]
Sheila, love?
Sheila?
Sheila.
Jolly right.
You're not epileptic?
Since when?
No.
Are you epileptic?
Oh, god, no.
Nothing like that in our family.
Dad wouldn't have stood for it.
How do you want your eggs, Neville?
No, no, no.
You're going back to bed.
Come on, now.
I'll see to the kids.
Oh, how very kind.
Oh, you're too kind.
Shouldn't let people take advantage.
That's what Frank's always said.
Is that right?
[music playing]
KEV: What are you doing here?
I got the job.
That's, uh--
LILLIAN: Happy day.
JEZ: Silver lining on a very murky day.
Thanks for that, Kev.
I thought you earned a living as the keyholder?
JEZ: She's a looker, she's harmless,
and she's not a big drinker.
Yes, Frank?
A pint, and a couple of these, Kev.
Deliver us from evil, or grant us
the certainty of being caked enough
to give not one iota of a fuck.
Amen.
Thank you.
How can you live in if you've just moved into a flat?
Just rented out.
Clean blokes over there.
When did this happen?
Just now.
You got a job, accomodation, and a sublet
in the time it took me to have a slash?
Now, you're making yourself sound old, Kev.
Stay awake, won't ya?
JEZ: Karen, we'll need a few more tonics up the other end.
Coming right up.
How fab is she?
I can't believe it's not butter.
SHEILA: Oh, on my life!
You bastards!
[sobbing]
Just tell us exactly where the kiddies
were when you last saw them?
They were there.
What, and you went back to bed?
Only for an hour.
Leave the kids down there for an hour?
I mean, would ya?
I wouldn't, would I?
I wouldn't.
Maybe I left them in the spare room?
No.
We've gone right around the house, Sheila.
Oh god.
Oh god!
Where are they?
Where--
[gasping and sobbing]
[door shutting]
CONSTABLE: Who are you?
Neville Gallagher.
Their grandpa.
We'd just been for a stroll down at the shops.
Oh, Neville.
I'm so sorry.
I thought I'd dreamt you.
Oh, my babies.
My lovely, darling babies.
I thought I'd lost you, my darlings.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Sheila, forget it.
Honestly, as long as the kids are OK.
Neville rushed round here.
Called out the dogs, and stuff.
Now, as long as they're safe, Sheila.
All right.
We'll, uh, leave you to it, then.
Hey, I wish all these kind of call outs ended up like this.
Most of them don't.
Believe me, most of them can be pretty gruesome.
Even last week, we had--
Oi.
- Can I pay for your petrol? - No.
Don't be daft.
Would you like a vodka?
No.
We'll leave you to it.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Don't let Frank know about this.
The faster she gets sectioned, the sooner we can all retire.
Did you see the size of the dildos under the bed?
I know.
No wonder she can't see straight.
Hiya.
What are you doing here?
What can I get you?
- Kev. - Nipped out.
Did he leave me house keys?
He did, yeah.
Well, can I have them?
If I could remember where he'd put them.
You haven't even looked.
No.
I'm not gonna.
Not the way you talk to me.
Karen.
Give me the keys, unless you want a twatting.
Keys, please, karen.
Fuck off!
You bitch!
[shouting]
Right, you! Out!
You're barred. - You can't bar me.
Me husband works here.
Maybe he won't if you can't behave yourself.
Sorry, Jez.
Won't happen again.
Cross me heart and hope to die.
Three weeks' suspension or 21 quid cash.
And no milk tokens.
[music playing]
Woo!
[shouting]
You.
Home.
Now.
[music playing]
Carl, you're tidying the room when we get in the door.
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
[knocking]
[shouting]
Granddad!
Hey!
Hello, lads.
Oh, cheeky job!
Ah, no.
You're never too big for that.
[laughter]
Come here, you.
You look fantastic.
Yeah, not bad for a dead man, eh?
What?
Little joke. here.
Your dad's, apparently.
Not much, but it's been fought through.
Spending the winter in Benidorm's
the only time to see it like it really is.
When you're not treated like a tourist.
Oh, thanks.
There you go.
Now, all of these--
all of these were actually made by good, honest artisanis.
Yeah.
Locals, working with their hands.
(QUIETLY) Artisani.
What are you up to here, then?
Steve and Fiona's house.
We normally have to ask permission to go around there,
but we are allowed. Definitely.
Yeah.
Nob through to next door.
Ah.
Here we go, Granddad.
Good lad.
Here you go, Gramp.
Oh, now you're spoiling me.
Granddad.
Brown suce.
Ah.
Mug of tea, pint of lager, and a bacon sarnie.
I could still be in Spain.
Quick.
Fiona.
What?
Hey, there.
What the fuck have I told you about coming around this site
till it's finished?
Language, language.
[laughter]
[gasp]
When did you get back?
Yesterday.
Granddad, this is Steve.
Ah, I've, uh, heard a lot about you.
You're a very lucky lad.
Yeah.
Well, that's what it feels like most days.
I'm serious.
If he stays there much longer, he's
gonna drive that Sheila around the bleeding bend.
Yeah, but we don't want him back.
All I'm saying is what you need to do
is to make sure she gets some kind of respite.
I mean, she's not a well woman.
She's happy enough.
Yeah, I know.
But as a-- a favor to me, you'd make an effort, wouldn't you?
Look, fair do's, Neville.
Myself and Fiona have got enough around here
to worry about without having to think about Frank and Sheila.
All right?
No offense, son.
This is a family conversation.
Fine.
Like what?
Well, Sheila needs a babysitter for tonight.
I'll do it.
Older than you.
Well, I suppose I could do a few hours.
NEVILLE: Older than you.
OK.
You stay in.
Me and Steve will go and sit.
Cool.
How long's Sheila gonna be?
Well, depends, uh--
depends where our Frank takes us for a meal.
KEV: You can't barge in there knotting people.
Well, not women, anyway.
I can.
And I'll do it again if she talks to me like that.
The spoon-faced bitch.
KEV: Veronica, I'm as surprised as you are.
But I didn't get her the job.
You lying fuck!
I watch you sniffing around her.
If I catch you within an inch of that
two-faced, pam-faced mudpie, I'll
cut your lumpy little dick off.
I didn't get her the job!
VERONICA: Yeah, well I'm barred now!
Well, not if you pay the fine.
Like fuck I'm paying a fine!
That's my local.
She's on my patch.
Get rid of her!
Veronica, be reasonable.
I want that twisted little bitch's head on a big fucking
stick!
SHEILA: Frank?
Frank!
My god, what's happened to you?
Gas board van reversed into us.
Oh, not again.
[heavy breathing] I--
I'll do fishcakes.
And I've forgotten, do you like them with or without the fish?
We're going out for the meal.
What do you mean?
We're going out for a meal.
[gasping]
I can't--
I can't eat in front of other people, Frank.
It's not my idea.
And it's not other people.
It's just me.
Just me and me dad.
[gasping]
I could wear that dress I bought online.
From Millennia.
NEVILLE: Your mother was one of the finest trade
unionists that ever lived.
She wiped the floor with Vic Feather,
and he thought he was somebody!
She worshipped you, and made the most pathetic excuses for you.
I didn't realize you weren't autistic,
till you called me a cunt in suspiciously
fitting circumstances.
VERONICA: Oi.
Down here when you're ready.
Here.
Fuck's sake.
She'll ban you permanently if she sees you.
So she won't.
Yes, ladies?
Oh, we're sorted. Thanks, love.
All right.
Foo face slapper.
What did he just say?
He said it's his birthday, and he's never felt happier.
Gallagher for three.
[music playing]
Excuse me.
I mentioned on the phone that we did absolutely anything.
But ideally I'd like a prune and vodka
sorbet with a custard on a side plate for pudding.
If you do one at all.
Thank you.
VERONICA: She's giving her all of Kev's tips.
Get over it.
Only coppers.
Yeah, 25 quid a week in coppers.
And she hasn't even bee here a fucking day.
Keep your voice down, or you won't last long
enough to finish your drink.
Shit!
Oh, merci.
Merci.
Oh.
Very good lamb and chip, Neville.
Cooked by a man who knows the landscape, Sheila.
Rosemary, mine.
Oh, and, uh--
Um-- port, I think.
Correct.
Ah, thank you.
When I bought this dress, I never imagined
it'd see the light of day.
Fortnight back it was nearly cushions.
So I'm thrilled.
Yeah, whatever.
I just don't see the point of paying for food.
It's not for you.
It's a gift for the lady-wife, for all
the hard work she puts in.
Point is you are paying for it.
Mine or yours?
All three.
To celebrate the fact you start work next week.
There's what?
We'll have to wait and see.
Won't we?
(SINGING) How much is that slab there in the bike shed?
The one with the ass like a whale?
Fuck off.
It eschoes, she sucks, and she swallows.
And then--
You cunt.
Hey, She'll be sopped.
She'll be - salty chopped.
[shouting]
Who let you off your fucking lead, you?
[music playing]
Right, then.
All right.
So how many hours?
Uh, four.
Just to-- for the first day.
Break us in. - Right.
How many hourses?
10, 15.
Big houses.
Sundown Cross.
Totally knackery.
Feel me arms.
Got new muscles.
You look completely different, Frank.
Well, it's been an eye-opener.
Gaffer thinks I'm a natural.
See?
How much better do you feel for an honest day?
FRANK: Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Dad.
I got blood going everywhere.
Fingers, toes.
I could seriously get to like it.
NEVILLE: What did I tell you?
Hm?
Weight of the dead, I said I was determined.
So how can you do a round if you haven't got a van?
Gaffer picks us all up in the morning,
and then drops us at various sites up and down.
And then, um-- you know, we, uh--
we all meet for the fly up at midday.
Hey, great lunch.
Cracking banter.
I think they can't believe the luck cause,
you know, I get on with all of them, straight off.
Band of brothers.
Well, why doesn't he just keep the ladders
and stuff in the van?
Could we just-- just fuck off and leave us alone.
Just-- you know, I just can't fucking--
um, think here, now.
He's exhausted.
Yeah.
Let's get you home and fed.
Well, look after yourself, Dad, and don't
leave us so long next time.
Otherwise none of us will recognize you.
NEVILLE: No.
Looks as if I'll be in here for a while longer.
Ah, Neville has Karen's room while his flat's being painted.
Very kind you are, too.
And, um-- he's bringing around all his
photo albums to show the twins.
I'm bidding for a photocopier on eBay,
which closes in half an hour.
So I'd better get a move on.
Well, how long for?
Only a week or so.
From Tuesday.
Except you know what the council's like.
Think of a number and double it.
Fine.
Just--
[sobbing]
[light knocking]
Oh--
You're going to need a bit of help with this one, aren't ya?
There's a barrel that wants changing, Kev.
Don't spend too long talking to the lads.
Which lads?
Any lads.
Yes?
Pint, please.
Veronica, you look a dick.
Dirty old bastard!
Shh!
Don't use her name.
Sorry.
She's here!
FIONA: Pity.
I've just realized who you remind me of.
Remember that bloke on the way to school with the rucksack?
The one we got level, who used to get his knob out?
[laughter]
JEZ: Right, Veronica.
Last warning.
Let's have you.
Fucking bitch!
FIONA: She's running a bit of a temperature,
and she says she's feeling a bit queasy.
Aw.
Oh, gosh, you're burning up.
Shops aren't open yet.
Have you got any aspirin?
No, I don't think so.
But as luck would have it, I made
a Martini sorbet yesterday.
NEVILLE: Oh, I'm sorry.
I think I might have polished that off last night.
Going on down here today!
It's looking down!
Ah, she's not well.
Can I watch a movie, Dad?
No.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's-- yeah, all right.
Yeah, what's-- wave me off. Yeah.
OK.
[music playing]
He's still there.
He's watching us.
DEBBIE: Just trust me.
If he finds out, he'll fucking havs us!
Stop looking so obvious, and he never will. (WHISPERING)
Talk to him.
Hey, mate.
Uh-- [mumbling] Ay?
Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Van. Now.
Go!
Hm.
People are complaining about the ladders out in the back.
Tell them they can have them.
Where's the pint?
Can you afford it?
I had Debbie sod this.
How long do you think you can camp out
here without getting off this?
Six nights and seven more days.
I can't get short of him.
Well, wouldn't it be easier, eh, to actually get a job
until your dad's gone?
I'll bring the pint over.
With the right change.
[music playing]
What time is it?
SHEILA: Half past seven.
But look at this.
Picture of your mother when she first worked as a clippy
on the buses.
That could be you in a skirt.
How much do you look like her?
NEVILLE: Wakey, wakey, working man.
Get the bread home as soon as you can.
[toilet flushing]
Fuel for the worker.
Workers, because all mothers are workers.
And that's a fact.
Formally acknowledged in the TUC Women's Charter in 1983.
Et cetera.
Anyway, thank you for the tea.
Oh my God.
Are you sure you don't want me in there with you?
Oh, give up. You'd only be in the way.
Put your feet up, take your tablets.
Think I'd better.
Come on, come on.
Got to skate.
I'd better be off to school.
Fuck's sake, don't let him see ya.
- I've got a tenner. - Hey, have a fuck.
I'll pay you Friday.
They're still being breastfed, aren't they?
I know.
What, they can look, can't they?
I'll get that washing up done before I shoot off to work.
See ya.
See ya, Dad.
[music playing]
Nothing better to do, huh?
Thought I'd give you and the, uh, lads a hand.
No.
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh-- no.
They just want me down this side today.
There's just kind of a-- you know,
kind of rote motion for me.
A bit nearer on, Dad. You know?
Yeah. - So soon?
Yeah.
NEVILLE: Congratulations.
Right.
Let's get tucked in, then.
Fuck are you up to?
Well, I'm doing your windows, Lillian, love.
(QUIETLY) Here, here.
Just help us out.
Right?
Just let it ride. LILLIAN: Bugger off.
I know your game.
We lost two telly's and a PlayStation last month.
And I can't get insurance anymore.
I'm gonna phone the police.
Lillian, love!
[car alarm]
Hey, hey, hey.
Fuck's sake.
My stomach's doing somersaults here.
You filthy, scummy, bone-eyed little shite.
Hey.
Come on!
Cut it out, Dad.
Fucking-- you'll break my neck here.
NEVILLE: Two minutes after you were born,
they let me cut the cord.
One of the proudest moments of my life.
If I had known what a fucking heretic you'd been,
I'd have let you bleed to death right there!
(NERVOUSLY) Dad?
Now when your mother died, she made me promise
that I'd take care of you.
So I will.
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it.
You killed her.
She's up there now, gassing her own fucking
womb with good men and women all standing beside her.
[dog barking]
[nervous laughter]
[groaning]
Wait.
You still pay as you go?
Meaning-- no pay, no go.
You're out of credit.
[laughter] You-- you vicious, mean, up-your-own-ass old man.
And them's not my words.
You know that?
That's what me mum used to call ya.
Yeah.
Yeah, other things that used to make us
both smile were "sanctimonious old goat"
and "devious old cunt."
Because she knew she was better than you.
So did everybody in the TUC.
Three years younger, and she was flying way beyond you.
Which is the only reason you got--
you got her pregnant.
And that's the only reason you smiled when I was born.
Because you-- because you knew you'd slowed her down.
[laughter] You know, my only promise
to my mom before she died--
eh?
I'd have you cremated.
Because she knew how much you wanted to be
buried for us all to blub over.
Then I'd bury your ashes around the toilet
block of the Conservative Club.
Yeah?
Which I promised.
So I fucking will!
[laughter]
No.
Oi!
In your corner, Mitzy.
Get your hands off my lager, and get the fuck out
of my house.
Karen brought the lagers for you.
Along with the rest.
The only reason I got the job at the Jockey
is because Jez thinks I'm gay.
I'm not interested in a bloke with that much hair.
And every time you say she is, you're threatening to get
sacked.
And she's done fuck all wrong.
Well, except for defending myself
when you start having a go.
Which I'll be the first to apologize for, Veronica.
I'll get your suspension lifted, plus I'll knock a few
off your bar bill when I can.
And all me tips are going to be shared with Kev.
Absolutely 50/50.
Yeah, I'm sorry and all.
Jockey tonight?
Me own clothes?
See, this is what she's like after you've had a barney.
Calls me a useless speck of a husband
with a lumpy little dick, and thinks sorry's enough.
Don't know what you're on about.
Well, it's Jez that needs convincing.
You're far from out of the fucking woods here, gummy bear.
[shouting]
Jez?
Can I nip to the loo while it's quiet?
Course you can, sweetheart What can I get you?
Jez, would you mind if I nip for a slice while it's quiet?
Not one of your long ones.
I'll be back in a sec.
If you help yourself, I'll cut your hands off.
It's a waste!
It's not my fault. She-- she dived on me.
You filthy, two-timing cow.
Don't tell Kev, Jez.
God, please.
Back to work, you.
I might've known.
The fucking hypocrites I've had to put up with.
And it's always women.
VERONICA: I'll drink down the butterfly.
You can ban me forever.
Just don't tell Kev.
So what do you think, then?
Don't know.
She's a foxy little tink, isn't she, our Karen?
Well, yeah.
It's never happened to me before.
She makes me funny.
Go all wavy.
JEZ: Touch her again, you'll have me to answer to.
Might not be a bad thing.
Tidy yourself up and I'll, uh--
I'll pay you a drink home.
LILLIAN: I've got the biggest hard-on you've ever seen.
[laughter]
Get in here, you dirty bitch.
[laughter]
I pumped his chest, and then I blew in his thingy till the--
ambulance arrived.
And then I said, can I go with him?
And they said, no.
No point, mate.
FIONA: Steve, get over there now.
I need a lift to the hospital.
Where did they take him?
How the fuck do I know?
They just drove off.
I'll tell you when you get here.
It's an ambulance?
I know it was a fucking ambulance, Carl.
I want to know where they took him.
No. Here.
There's an ambulance here.
What for now?
Guess who's not dead.
Again!
Hiatus hernia.
They slugged me full of antacids,
and it faded like a bad dream.
In and out a casualty in less than seven hours.
That's pretty good for a free service.
You look good to me.
SHEILA: You look wonderful, Neville.
We thought you'd died.
[gasping] Gosh, how'd you feel if you
thought your dad was dead, and it turned out he wasn't.
I-- I know, Sheila.
Shocking.
Medical staff said you were to be commended
on all your first aid.
Yeah?
NEVILLE: Very much so.
Witnesses testified.
That so?
So.
You take back every single word.
Get fucked.
She totally worshipped me.
I used to piss in your bait box.
Don't overdo it, Dad.
Don't want a repeat now, do we?
Aye, he wants to go back to his own flat.
They're excited about the paint job.
SHEILA (VOICEOVER): Being an only child,
I was very touched by the warmth of the big family.
I loved it.
Eric, your new temporary foster parents,
Veronica and Kevin Ball.
From now on, we've just got to try really hard to kill him.
Eric!
Don't!
You'll fuck the fucking engine!
CONSTABLE: Green Cherokee, Eastern Street Car Park.
You've been caught on CCTV, Steve.
Whose is it?
Chief Inspector's.
Do you remember school?
The fucking carnival?
You can't just snatch a kid and expect to get away with it,
you daft sod.
They were turning him over!
Fucking shit!
It's not funny, Steve!
He's freaking me out.
I keep dreaming about the house being on fire.
Yeah!
[theme music]
Whatever Frank and Sheila are having,
and a quick scotch for me.
This is on me, son.
FRANK: Tell you what, Dad.
Stick it right up your ass.
No, Frank.
I did that before I came in here.
Cheers.
Drinks are on Frank.