FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate
is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who I'm
proud of 'cause every single one of them
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which they've me to thank for.
CARL: Run!
Run for it!
FRANK: Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Philip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which is
handy for the others 'cause she's
disappeared into thin air.
And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love him.
Debbie, sent by God.
Total angel.
You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus, Liam, gonna be a star once we've
got the fits under control.
Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
The truth is out there.
Not.
Fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anything.
Well, not anything.
But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
one of the most vital necessities in this life
is they know how throw a party!
[laughs]
Scatter!
MAN: What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, gives me bike back!
BOY: Use it or lose it, fatso!
[music playing]
FRANK: For fuck's sake.
DEBBIE: Ooh!
I don't know why everybody thinks
Christmas is such a big deal.
What is good about the world standing still
when the only shops open don't actually
sell anything worth having?
FRANK: Didn't think we had a white duvet.
DEBBIE: If I hear anyone trying to tell me the point of it all,
I think I'll just punch their lights out.
MAN 1: Watch it. [zap]
[groans] MAN 2: Hey!
What have you gone and done now?
WOMAN: What do you mean, what have I done?
MAN 2: What's the good of--
[shouting]
DEBBIE: Since our family only ever
got bigger, never smaller right, Christmas
seemed worse every year.
Well, as far as I could see anyway.
And the more it cost, the more everybody smiled.
It never occurred to them that two
days later you could have bought everything for half the price.
I mean, it's fine right if you can pretend the Earth has gone
into hibernation and that only good things happen
once spring comes around.
Not fine if you know for a fact that every Christmas
is as boring as the last one 'cause nothing ever happens.
[indistinct chatter]
STEVE: I think it's the other away around, like this.
You, stop fidgeting.
IAN: What were you doing, pushing and pulling?
What is clever about watching a tree
dying in your living room?
LIP: Oh, what's wrong with her?
It's sad that she hates Christmas.
LIP: Come on.
Hurry up.
Let's get it in the house.
Lip, Christmas shopping.
Oi!
SHEILA: So you didn't see who mugged you?
FRANK: No, just a bloke.
A big bloke.
[sighs]
Christmas and they take your wallet.
So what was the Peterloo Massacre all about?
You haven't got a wallet, Frank.
No.
I'd just bought one in the pub--
a little crocodile skin--
so I knew how much I had 'cause I'd just
transferred 55 quid into it.
No, 'cause you went out with less than a tenner.
I said, "When you get my prescriptions,
can you pick us up a box of formula
to practice with in case the baby rejects me
and I can't breastfeed?"
And you said, "I've only a tenner
so you'll have to sub us."
- Did I? - Yeah.
So you probably sent him on his way
thinking it weren't worth the effort.
Have I?
Yeah.
So he won't be trying that one twice, will he?
No, I dare say not.
SHEILA: Good, 'cause I've got some news for you.
Me mum's gone doolally so our Karen's
coming home for Christmas!
[chuckles]
Hoowah, right.
Hey, this is gonna fit Carl, isn't it?
Yeah, no probs.
And I'll tell you what, Debbie's gonna love this.
Oh!
She once borrowed one from school.
Spent a week magnifying head lice.
Yeah?
Ooh.
Oi, oi, no.
Oi!
Not that one, all right?
What is it?
Well, you'll find out when-- when Mr. Santa comes.
When did you get it? You were never out of my sight.
Well, so she thought.
What shop?
I'm saying nothing.
Come here.
Oh, yeah?
STEVE: Get that off.
[kissing noises]
FIONA: (QUIETLY) Come here.
[laughs]
No, cut it out. Stop!
STEVE: Whoa.
Carl, fuck are you doing down there?
I wanted to know what you got us.
Why can't you both just wait until Christmas day?
I didn't want clothes.
You haven't got clothes.
I heard you.
"Will these fit our Carl?"
Yeah.
A pair of earmuffs and a big, fat nappy.
Downstairs.
CARL: Clothes aren't presents.
MAN 1: This is his fault, stopping at his girlfriend's
in Rawtenstall.
MAN 2: Will you shut up?
MAN 1: What, he didn't warn you?
Barry went to Rawtenstall in 1987.
Not been seen since.
Bloody Bermuda Triangle.
MAN 2: This fuel pipe's completely shagged.
I'll have to send for parts.
LIP: (QUIETLY) You're a bad man, Kev.
KEV: Ho ho!
LIP: Oh.
KEV: What did I tell you?
LIP: Quick, get that door.
KEV: Come on.
LIP: (QUIETLY) Here, grab these.
[grunts]
KEV: Here, here.
[dog barking]
LIP: OK, are you ready?
KEV: Yep.
Jez.
Jez!
Jez, come here.
Come over here a minute.
WOMAN: How come you always smell of cheese and onion crisps?
FRANK: 'Cause we always end up sitting next to you, yeah?
WOMAN: Ah.
What's in it for me?
Ten percent of what we take and a couple of joints.
Grass, skunk, or resin?
No, lamb, pork, or beef.
Hands up anybody who's not collected
their meat for Christmas yet.
Oh, no, we've heard it all before, girls,
but maybe your Christmases have all come early!
Bring it in, fellas!
[music playing]
Half market price.
Come on, girls.
Get your meat and your chops on these chops.
Eh?
Beef!
Leg of lamb and a shoulder of pork!
KEV: Come on, girls.
Two-- make that two of them.
KEV: Yes, love?
Little tough.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've got a piece of pork here.
Who wants this?
Don't be shy.
Come and get it.
[chatter]
FRANK: For fuck's sake.
A total shambles.
Fucking animals.
See, I don't like what we've become, you know, as a nation.
Massive pressure.
Massive.
People with nothing spend money they can't afford.
People with shitloads spend money they don't notice.
And for what?
Little baby Jesus is it?
Fuck.
Sticking money in the pockets of overpaid shites like--
shops.
Keeping you way down the pecking order in a mountain of debt.
Do you know what the perfect Christmas is for me, Frank?
Not having to listen to bone idle, miserable, old wankers
like you.
That's why I bought this.
Make way for a chronic duodenum.
Shift, shift.
With any luck you'll be dead this time next year, smelly old
cunt.
LIP: [laughing]
Yeah!
Oh.
Does that smell like an old lady's tush to you?
How the fuck should I know?
[laughs]
Eww, you knobhead!
WOMEN: [chatter and laughter]
Hey.
Listen, are you sure you don't mind, mate?
Joking, are you?
I'm in me element wrapping presents.
Little Carl's obsessed so I can't leave them at ours.
Oh, bless him.
I tormented me mam rooting for presents
until I looked under the bed and found a kitten.
Aww.
Yeah, not wrapped.
No.
Oi, Kev, show them your drinks thingy.
Well.
It looks like an ordinary beer barrel.
OK.
Wrong.
[laughter]
FIONA: Oh, it's champion, is that.
VERONICA: That's what I said.
Champion.
It's what you say to kiddies when their drawing's
absolutely fucking awful.
So where'd you this, Kev?
I made it.
[laughter]
I did.
MARTY: Slag!
Mum's a slag!
Mm.
[stammering]
[barks]
[laughter]
FIONA: Marty?
Oh, no, Marty.
Not again.
KEV: Oh, here we go.
If there's a party, there's a Marty.
No, I'm on parole. Legit.
CAROL: Out of me way!
Jesus, Mum.
Look at the state of you.
[sobbing]
Are you OK, Carol?
You will not believe this.
Tell them.
Never mind me.
He's just burnt my house down.
FIONA: Oh, my God.
You're joking me, Carol?
What about her?
You're disgusting.
Consenting sex is normal!
Not at your age!
There's nothing wrong with my age!
You!
[grunting]
VERONICA: Pack it in! - Bastard!
Slag!
[shouting]
You dirty bastard!
[sobbing]
Why have they let you out if you're
still pulling shit like this?
Significant breakthroughs with a cognitive therapist.
[barks]
But you can still torch your own mam's house?
I lets meself in, yeah.
Surprise, surprise.
Nobody in.
Nips for a leak and she's having a jump in the shower with--
[stammering]
[spits]
Thingy.
The redhead.
Eddie Singer's middle lad.
Sean?
Sean.
You were shagging Sean Singer?
So?
He's only twenty-odd.
Yeah, he's a very good-looking lad.
You said I were too old for him.
So, I had the nous to offer a cash incentive.
You paid?
For sex?
It wasn't put like that.
I offered an extra 50 quid to smarten me bathroom tiles.
A message sinks in.
I'm having one of my pleasanter days
when fiery Jack turns up screaming
the odds and thick, black smoke coming up the stairs.
That's Marty's best mate.
Oh, they're not twins.
They're like twins.
Yeah, but they're not twins.
KEV: Sean Singer?
Never mind that.
What about my house?
All your presents were in there.
My entire Christmas.
My whole bloody life.
Thank you!
[barking]
[whimpering]
There.
So, we've nowhere else till the council sorts us out,
have we, Pepe?
[sobbing]
[barking]
MARTY: Ah!
BOY 1: [coughs]
Where's all the snow gone?
BOY 2: Me dad says it's 'cause your mam
never paid a council tax.
BOY 1: Oh.
We shift more meat than this in a normal week,
never mind Christmas.
What if we've over-priced it?
We always over-price it.
True.
What's up?
Can you re-do labels on these, Ian?
Knock 50 pee off everything.
We won't shift it.
Well, there's tons of knock-off flying about.
Turkeys, beef, everything.
Sheila brought us a couple of legs of lamb 'round.
She only paid about a fiver for them.
How fair is that, eh?
From who?
I don't know.
But everyone's got, so I don't think 50 pee is gonna help.
That's all we need!
Right, price them up at cost.
Cost plus 50 pee.
Cost.
Plus 25.
Yvonne, if we don't shift this by its sell-by,
it's gonna smell like a bloody graveyard in here.
Cost plus 25.
I'll do a sign.
[door bell rings]
KEV: You tossed a house, Marty.
The police will be after you.
So, where did you go from the nick?
A bed and breakfast someone told me about.
Sheila Jackson's.
KEV: Sheila and Frank's.
And you never set foot outside the house
again that day, all right?
Marty?
Yes.
Bucket of spunk!
If anyone asks you lot, he stayed in his room.
What, Karen's room?
Yeah, but call it the spare room.
Veronica, the cops are around yours.
Jesus. Right.
You'll have to get back to yours so if anyone asks you
can say Marty lodged with you.
All right?
Are you OK with that, Sheila?
Yeah.
I think.
DEBBIE: They'll catch him.
They always do. - No!
Oh.
Hang on a minute.
What would he have done for supper
if he came 'round at 3:00?
VERONICA: He wasn't hungry.
But he's a growing lad.
I wouldn't have not fed him.
Fine, just say you fed him!
No.
I don't want it to look bad on me.
Not if I'm charging rent.
Whatever you like, Sheila.
I'll say I gave him ham.
That's very tasty for the price, isn't it?
It is. Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Sheila.
[dog barking]
POLICEMAN: Double up and go around the back.
They've sealed off both ends of the street.
Jesus, Mam, they're everywhere!
God in heaven.
Go get Steve.
Find out where Marty is.
Get after Sheila.
Make sure none of this is freaking her out 'cause
she don't look well to me.
If she's the alibi, we'll all be on prison food.
She's bailing you out so just give it a rest there, Carol.
Hey, don't talk to my mam like that!
You can fuck off and all.
This isn't our problem.
No.
And how many of your problems have I helped out with?
Veronica, I can defend myself.
Yeah.
What you can't seem to do is control yourself.
And you wonder where Marty gets it from.
Excuse me, I've never burnt anything in my life!
Well, you can't fucking cook, that's for sure.
Sorry, kid.
Me and all.
All right, we'll take him 'round to my place till
we figure out what's going on.
You don't talk to any of my tenants,
you don't touch anything, and you do not offer
anyone a light, all right?
Come on.
[siren]
MARTY: Are they all for me?
Well, if they want a name, I won't need asking twice.
- I'm here! - What is your fucking problem?
I don't like the way you've always
got answers for everything.
Why should that bother anyone?
And anyway, I meant him.
I've had another cognitive therapist.
Or assuming any suggestion Kev makes a fucking waste of time.
Yeah and that's not about having two sides of a brain
that communicate.
So it's my fault I'm dyslexic?
Dyslexic my arse, mate.
You're illiterate. It's all right.
Admit it. Get help.
Come on let's go.
You're asking from a twatting now, Steve.
Fuck off, Kev.
Oi!
[siren wailing]
[police radio chatter]
[crowd murmuring]
This stinks.
[police radio chatter]
OFFICER: Found one!
FIONA: They're not after, Marty. - Don't run away.
FIONA: It's the meat.
They're after the meat!
Oh, shit!
OFFICER: What I am supposed to do with this?
OFFICER 2: I'm not sticking for this.
OFFICER: Lads, don't leave me.
[suspenseful music playing]
Oi. FIONA: And that.
Yeah, I've licked that bit.
Tough.
What are we gonna do with it?
You're not bringing it in 'ere.
CAROL: Don't bin it.
Why are you binning it?
It's knock-off.
The meat's knockoff.
CAROL: Yeah, but nobody pays full price for meat
at this time of year.
Yeah, and judging from that turnout,
it must have come from an armed robbery.
Or worse.
VERONICA: Shit.
What should we with it?
FIONA: Well we chuck it in the bins, can we?
[music playing]
[brakes squealing]
Fuck!
[helicopter blades turning]
FIONA: Here, boy. Here, boy.
Come 'ere then.
What's this, then?
What's this tasty bit of meat, then?
Just a couple of chops to go.
How you doing, V?
VERONICA: Not bad. Come on, then.
Come on. Come on boy.
That's it.
That's it boy, take it.
Take it to your mom.
Go on.
[music continues]
[car engine coming to a stop]
[car doors opening]
Steve.
Where have you been?
What?
What's he doing here.
There's cops everywhere.
Yeah, well nevermind the cops.
Look.
FIONA: Bloody hell.
VERONICA: What?
KEV: Bloody hell, it's like "Kelly's Heroes".
Isn't it?
ARMY OFFICER (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Stay Stay
in your homes with your doors locked and your windows
closed until further notice.
Everything is under control.
Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.
This is not a drill.
Repeat, this is not a drill.
Stay in your homes with your doors
locked and your windows closed.
Could make the nationals with this.
ARMY OFFICER: We need that street cordoned off.
Jump to it.
ARMY OFFICER (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Everything is under control.
Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.
It can't be another bloody gas leak.
YVONNE: No.
I think they're filming.
Oi!
Is this for Corrie?
No.
Corrie only film 'round here if it's a rape or a siege.
NEWSCASTER (ON TV): News News coming
in here of an extraordinary story breaking in Manchester.
Chatsworth Estate has been sealed
off by the Ministry of Defense.
We have a statement here from a spokesman for the MoD.
'everything possible is being done to ensure--
What's going on here, mate?
JUSTIN (ON RADIO): The the big news today
out of the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester, it has been sealed
off by the Ministry of Defense. Really.
This is not a joke.
It's not April the 1st.
Check your calendars.
I've got some callers on the phone.
Apparently I've got Eileen on line one.
Hello, Eileen. EILEEN (ON PHONE): Hi, Justin.
JUSTIN (ON RADIO): Hi. You been down to Chatsworth.
You've been trying to get in, haven't you, today?
EILEEN (ON PHONE): Well, yeah.
I said to the soldier on the gate, "Excuse me,
me dad's lived on that estate for 45 years now.
Never missed a Christmas meal with him.
JUSTIN (ON RADIO): And were they helpful to you,
Eileen, the soldiers? EILEEN (ON PHONE): No.
He said, "Fuck off."
Can I say, fuck off? - No.
You can't, Eileen.
Hi, boys.
Stan Waterman, community liaison.
Nobody in or out, my orders.
Chatsworth Estate's my patch.
Eh, who's arguing?
But like Afghanistan, Iraq, Northern Ireland
and Timbuk-fucking-tu, you can your patch
back once we've milked it dry.
All right?
Me mum's in there.
TONY: Leave it, Stan.
Come on.
Get back in the car.
Go
That's it, go on.
Keep going.
Go on.
That's it.
Piss off your street.
What a mug.
[car engine revving]
Get out of the way!
Out the way!
[tires squealing]
TONY: We're responsible for social order 'round here.
So I want to know why I wasn't informed
of your silly bugger maneuvers?
COMMANDER: Your chief constable forgot you existed,
so you weren't cleared for security.
Oh can we go?
Not until I know what's going on.
OK.
Sign this.
Last night, thieves stole 200-weight of freight.
Yeah.
All this for a bit of bloody knock-off?
Oh, no. That happens every week.
We tried nipping it in the buds, but they
keep the prices very low.
Especially electricals.
The freight was all meat.
Yeah, it's Christmas.
Easter it'll be chocolate.
August it'll be sunbeds and sarongs.
COMMANDER: The meat was on its way
into an army base in Scotland.
To a defense laboratory.
One that specializes in biological warfare.
Which-- which kind of means we talking abouts exactly?
COMMANDER: All manners of meat.
Hinds and rinds, legs and segs, heads and innards.
With-- "not for human consumption" labels, like this.
That's why we've quarantined this area.
Oh, fuck's sake!
[cell phone dialing]
STAN: Mom.
Don't cook that lamb.
Do not cook that lamb, because--
Hello?
Well-- where's me mum?
SOLDER (ON RADIO): Casualties arriving with unit 6-1-5.
One male, aged 25, female, 64.
Married apparently.
Large number of suspected cases in the same house.
Big family.
Massive actually, 14 kids and counting, Sarge.
All cross-eyed.
Unless that's one of the symptoms.
Le me check on that.
Touch it and your dead!
This meat is the property of the Ministry--
The meat is mine.
Von!
No!
Let 'em have it!
The meat.
Let them have the meat!
Fuck off!
We've lost enough on this.
I am sick of having to compete with knock-off 'round here!
Come on love, you're being daft.
Hey, bud, I've run down bigger than that.
Don't corner her, you'll only make her worse!
All right. Come-- come on, Von.
You mean more to me than a bloody shop.
SOLDIER: Come on.
Silly girl.
All right then, let's get it cleared.
[shop door opens]
[door closes]
SOLDIER: Give us a little bag, will you?
Yes Lillian.
Packet of fags, Yvonne.
Couple a scratchcards, were only your lucky ones.
You wouldn't have any broken biscuits?
Fetch them back, you can have 20 pence off.
Did you mean what you said, Kash?
Not physically, obviously, 'cause--
well, yeah.
You mean the world to me.
Of course you do.
I've just come to say, that I feel a bit rough.
Yeah, you look it.
Thanks.
So I'm going to give this afternoon
a miss if that's right, Yvonne?
Yeah, of course it is, love.
See ya.
They're bit more hammered than what I wanted.
On me Lillian.
Season's greetings.
[door opens and bell rings]
Did you buy any meat?
What if we did?
DEBBIE: It says nothing if I didn't know where it came from.
TONY: Have you actually eaten any?
FIONA: I gave most of mine to dogs.
TONY: They've just carted a load of dogs away.
A couple of them were half cripple to start with.
Poor sods.
All dead.
The lot of 'em. - From what?
Listen, I am in deep shit if they know I'm repeating this.
They made me sign Official Secrets,
but the meat was on its way from Porton Down.
VERONICA: Porton Down?
I thought that were a made-up place.
You know, with rabbits?
Oh no, that's Watership Down.
TONY: No, Porton Down is a defense installation.
The meat was part of a war games exercise.
It's contaminated with something from team A, then sent
for analysis to team B who are given 24
hours to work out what's in it.
Except they can't because it never arrived.
STEVE: Yeah, contaminated with something like what?
Well that's the whole point, nobody
knows until they get team A back from Christmas leave.
How long's that going to take?
TONY: I need to know if any of you have eaten it?
Eh, you have.
- I had no appetite. - No.
You said you couldn't stomach it,
but you wolfed the lot down.
I never.
Carol, I watched.
You were still licking the fucking plate while you
were doing the washing up.
TONY: Right.
Well, so far we've had two human fatalities
and 12 people have gone down poorly.
Now nobody's sure what symptoms to look out
for, apart from nosebleeds and stomach pains.
Colicy stomach pains.
They've set up a field hospital at the junior school.
Everybody inside the quarantined area
is going to have to give a blood sample.
Right.
You all need testing now.
Question.
[snorts] Is anyone out there mentioning my name?
TONY: What's your name?
Marty Fisher.
No.
[marty snorts]
Ian.
He's still at work. You'll have to tell him.
-
COMMANDER: He's put himself to bed.
Said he was feeling a bit rough.
[rock music playing]
JEZ: Do you know what's going on, Kev?
Fucking right I do.
They're after the meat.
Where's the meat?
No one should eat it.
It's not for human consumption.
Where's all the meat, Jez?
They've cleaned me out.
[music continues]
Good man, that's it. Get it up, Felix.
Save some room for your pudding.
Yeah. All right.
Thank you. Yeah, you've had enough.
Yeah.
We've got darts coming up now, so we've
got to clear the space. Yeah.
Good.
MAN: Hey, hold on that's my bloody dinner.
KEV: Yeah.
How's your Kevin, is he all set over here?
Yeah. WOMAN: What's your game?
KEV: OK. You on a diet, you?
WOMAN: That's our dinner, that is.
We paid for that.
KEV: That's it, good.
I need see your kitchens ma'am.
Not without a warrant you don't.
That's it for you, mate.
Only speak if you don't need your face.
All right, Felix?
You all right, me old mate?
[rock music playing]
[quiet music playing]
Look.
Come on, look at him.
He has to be in a hospital.
A proper hospital.
That's not possible.
We can't break the quarantine.
But he's burning up.
DOCTOR: I'll get his temperature down.
We'll keep him supervised on a regular basis.
You're up with saline.
What the bloody good is that going to do?
It's the only thing we'd use until we
can identify the contamination.
You lot put it there.
You should fucking know what's in it.
DOCTOR: Where have you heard that?
FIONA: It's just a rumor someone started.
DOCTOR: All right, Ian, I'm going to need your other arm.
I need to take a blood sample.
OK?
Only a small sting.
I'll be as gentle as I can.
SOLDIER: Listen, just form an orderly queue, all right?
Keep in line.
COMMANDER: Jesus, Peebles.
It's like a worn-out gene pool.
None of the women comb their hair at the back.
Is that a religious thing?
SOLDIER: I'm not sure, sir.
I'll make it my business to find out, sir.
Oh-- little men dressed in brief authority.
Eh?
19th century.
Shakespeare.
Plus other stuff, so don't think you're hard.
Never poke your cousin if you can't find
a cardigan with three sleeves.
Socrates, 400BC.
You didn't know that.
Or you.
Somebody must have poked a bloody goat
to come up with that one.
Sir.
FRANK: Vernon Francis Gallagher.
Vernons as in Pools, though I've never won a fucking bean.
I used to be a blood donor until they stopped because I
got slightly addicted.
Out with the old, in with the new.
It's quite seductive in a way.
Don't you think?
So are you taking any regular medication at all, Sheila?
Well as a matter of fact, I am.
Hey.
No way BCG in third year.
I'm still having nightmares.
Passed out.
Woke up color-blind.
Can't tell the difference between dexidrine and nurofen.
Which-- no, around here bastards take advantage.
Would you just let me--
You are not coming near me with that.
Ow!
Fat cunt.
On the plus side, I've got 20/20 vision, you know, so--
all my--
[mumbling]
STEVE: Listen, if you know it's not
airborne, where's the problem in letting us off the Estate.
DOCTOR: Because until we know that level of contagion,
Christmas isn't a good time to send people
off kissing their relatives.
STEVE: Fair point.
What's Ian's blood tests saying?
DOCTOR: Well nothing helpful yet,
but please, just believe me, none of us
want to be here either.
The only mortalities so far have occurred
in people with a history of diabetes
or chronically high blood pressure.
Now Ian's 15, no medical complications.
That's all I can say for sure.
OK?
We won't say you said.
CAROL: Ah!
VERONICA: Mom! Mom!
MARTY: What's wrong with her?
STAN: Well it's not fucking flu is it?
CAROL: Pepe!
If you let this happen, we're finished.
[crying]
Swear to me you won't cut him open!
[wailing]
Pepe.
Pepe!
[ventilator starts]
[tense music playing]
You! You fucking--
Hey, hey, hey, no.
Hang on a minute, Stan.
He caused all this.
Him!
That's where they got the meat from.
FIONA: Oh, Kev.
STAN: A fiver for the shoulder of lamb.
And worth it, was it, Kev, eh?
Nice little wedge?
[clears throat]
Help us out, Lip.
Little shit.
STAN: Come here!
Bring him in.
Sir.
Merry Fucking Christmas.
[crying]
[toy squeaks]
[crying]
MARTY: Sorry mum.
Yes I know.
'Cause you caused this.
[barks]
I've been sent down three times.
When did you cry for me?
Call
Apart from worms and diarrhea, when did Pepe ever let me down?
He's got a brain about this big.
What difference does that make when brain you've got
is wired like an old Allegro?
COMMANDER: I'm not Interested in how little you made on it.
We need to know, as a matter of urgency, whether any of it
was sold outside the community.
Well not sold, but I took a rack of lamb 'round me
Aunty Pat's in Denton.
Address?
Is she likely to have shared it with anyone else?
Pat?
No way.
Only thing that she's given anyone in 50 years is herpes.
VERONICA: Come here!
You're a fucking liar 'cause everyone 'round here
knows it we you. - Fine!
OK! Me.
Me and Lip.
But not 'cause me knew what it was.
So?
So!
We just thought it was fucking meat!
Where's the money?
You're wearing most of it.
What?
How much do you think lace crotchless panties cost me?
Right, Kev, that's the last beef curtain you'll
be seeing in a long time.
Where's the rest of it?
[jar rattles]
This money's got blood on it.
You're in deep shit and everybody wants you dead, Kev.
This is all your fault. Twisted shit!
Yeah, I know. Everything is.
Pepe. [barks]
Arndale Centre, crucifixion, miner's strike.
Fine, bring it on!
[music playing]
Can I get you anything?
Could skin up if it'll help.
No.
Ian, I'm really sorry.
This is my fault. The meat.
It was me-- me and Kev.
We ripped a lorry off on the bypass.
[sighs]
Well-- It was just for a laugh.
I promise you, we're going to get you a proper hospital.
I don't care what I have to do.
Honestly, Ian.
I'd do anything for you not to be laid here like this.
I'm sorry.
[helicopter blades turning]
[music playing]
SOLDIER (ON RADIO): Breaker in sector
nine coming over the roof.
SOLDIER: Whoa!
Keep walking.
Just keep walking.
No, not towards me, darling.
The other way.
How old are you, Debbie?
11.
Well, 11 if you ask my dad, 12 if you ask my mum.
COMMANDER: Where were you going?
Shopping.
COMMANDER: At 01:25?
The Trafford Centre's open all night for Christmas
and the they're letting free buses on.
I've six presents still to buy.
And it's Christmas tomorrow, so.
COMMANDER: You knew perfectly well that you
were leaving a restricted zone.
You've lied to my officers and you're lying to me.
DEBBIE: OK.
I've five presents to buy.
I'll give Carl something I got last year,
but its still got the plastic on so it looks spanking new.
'Cause he loves driving, but everyone
'round here keeps the batteries dead to stop
truckers going ape.
A pair of jump leads.
Please, can somebody help me out here?
SOLDIER: Yes, sir.
I'm from around these parts.
DEBBIE: Oh are you playing maisonette?
No, Pontoon.
Oh, well we call it maisonette, because when you turn 21,
that's what you get at the council.
[laughing]
[music playing]
There's three cameras covering the Causeway,
two monitoring Denver Road, and about 3,000
soldiers on Plymouth Street.
All right.
Come on, Debbie.
About 100.
But at least 100.
And they didn't shove you around?
No, I got a tuna salad and I won a fiver on maisonette.
FIONA: Debbie did you get anything or not?
[bells jingling]
Yes.
DEBBIE: Didn't have normal number plates,
just a number on the tag.
STEVE: Right.
Let's get Ian out of here of here as fast as possible.
If we spread out, we'll find the vehicle faster.
Lip, you'll have to take Kev with you.
Tell him to keep his face covered or he's dead.
Marty, you go with them.
I'm sure you could start a distraction if we need one.
Fiona, you best tell Ian what's happening
so he doesn't freak out. All right?
SHEILA: Oh! Oh!
Oh, dear!
Oh! - Sheila?
SHEILA: Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's OK.
He just kicked.
He? He!
So you know it's a boy?
Oh, God, that was supposed to be a big secret.
Nice, deep breaths.
Mom, brandy.
SHEILA: Don't tell your dad.
It's supposed to be a big surprise.
DEBBIE: Have you got a name for him yet?
Yeah-- if we ever get that far.
FIONA: Oh, don't talk like that, Sheila, sweetheart.
SHEILA: What if I passed something on to him
through the meat?
Ah, ooh, hey.
[screaming]
MARTY: Bucket biff.
JILLIAN: I told him to come 'round.
The meats come from Al-Qaeda.
And if they scan the bar code it comes up in Arabic.
I mean, I'm not being a racist, but they're
a fucking nightmare that lot.
FRANK: One more.
No.
FRANK: Oh, more one, Jez. Please!
No.
Four units each and that's your lot.
Otherwise we'll be dry by tomorrow.
Look, I can't get another delivery through.
Hello!
If you name your price, you could shift the lot tonight.
Hello!
If I ration it, I could name twice me price tomorrow.
Robbing bitch.
On your way.
SERVER: All right!
I said I'm coming.
Bottle.
A little bottle to be going home with.
[CROWD NOISE AND GLASSES CLINKING]
[cash register rings]
[door bell rings]
FIONA: Kash I need to speak to your mum
Hey, where's your Ian?
We need a hand 'round here.
I heard they're about to ration the booze at the pub
because they can't get a delivery through.
I have stuck a quid on the price of everything.
And look, I can say it out loud and not one peep.
Ho!
Form an orderly queue or you're getting fuck all!
CUSTOMER: Cheery-bye
Merry Christmas, love.
Where's your mum, Kash?
Upstairs helping the kids counting
the money to keep them calm. Why?
Sheila's gone into labor, plus Ian's in a right state.
[register rings]
[dog barks] Can
SHEILA: Can somebody change the wallpaper?
It's doing in me head in!
You're really hurting my hand, Sheila.
Ow!
Sheila, this is Umi.
It's OK, Sheila.
Keep calm.
She's a midwife.
She's not just saying that?
Oh-ho, Ho-ho!
Why would I say it if it wasn't true?
I don't know!
No.
Don't push.
Just breath 'round it.
I had a dentist once who turned out to be a brickie,
so I'm a bit phobic.
Stop pushing!
[tense music playing]
Just keep back, like I said.
Listen, if I don't get this giro cashed,
I'm going to have nothing to feed my kids!
Look, this is from a week back.
Why didn't you cash it then.
Because it's not in my name.
I've had to work on the signature, smart ass.
Fuck. Cheers.
What, starving children and you're not
going to let me through, yeah? Cheers!
Thanks a lot.
You too as well, mate.
And that's it for you, mug. KEV: Yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right.
Stay cool.
Nobody's going to recognize like this.
[music continues]
[crowd yelling]
Fuck's sake!
That's hopeless.
I know.
I can't believe it's on the wrong side
of the fucking fence.
MARTY: It's great, this.
Lip?
What's going on?
Your mum's gone into labor.
Right, let me through.
SOLDIER: Hey, nobody in or out.
I want me mum!
This is for your own safety, love.
Stay where you are, right. LIP: Karen!
[crowd yelling angrily]
PETE: I didn't say Swindon.
I said Swinton.
SOLDIER: Yeah, and I said, you going nowhere.
No one leaves until their blood tests are cleared.
We're all vegetarians.
We're not, are we?
No, son, and neither is the other 100 over there.
Cheers, Clinton.
What are you like, you?
Me real dad.
[music continues]
[radio chatter]
Oh.
Has it got warmer or is it just me?
I think it's dropping to be honest.
KAREN: I think it's all the tension.
[moaning]
[music continues]
[angry crowd yelling]
SOLDIER: I tell you what, Colchester's all right.
I mean like anywhere's lonely at Christmas doing this job,
you know what I mean?
I tell you something now, darling,
it's better than Basra.
I can't tell ya how glad I was to get out of there.
It was a right dump.
It's a right dump now, isn't it?
Mind you it's not as bad as 'round here.
Oh.
Oh babe, that's it.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): Corporal Pollack?
CORPORAL POLLACK: Oh.
Oh man, sorry babes.
Shit!
I'll speak to you later on, all right?
[music continues]
CORPORAL POLLACK: All right.
[rock music playing]
[brakes squeak]
LIP: Come on then, let's get him!
We can be at St. George's in ten minutes.
I'll keep it running 'case we have to shift it.
All right.
[engine idling]
PETE: Stan!
Found him!
[angry mob yells]
Are you all right, sweetheart?
No, I feel sick.
VERONICA: Yeah, we all do.
I've got an old wheelchair next door.
That's all right, just get these undone.
[mob yelling]
Shit!
Kev!
Steve, Sheila needs ya.
STEVE: Listen, put him back to bed, and then go find a media.
All right?
[mob continues to shout]
Fuck off!
STAN: That was my mother, you twat!
I'm going to have your neck!
It wasn't me.
You're joking.
For fuck's sake!
VERONICA: Right!
CARL: What are you doing?
VERONICA: Kevin!
[mob yelling]
TONY: Calm down!
Calm down!
What good's this doing anyone?
I'm giving you one choice!
Get of!
VERONICA: All right!
Back off or one of you's getting this!
CARL: Get off it.
Look what he's done.
People dropping like fucking flies!
Yeah, so why aren't you blaming the army?
JILLIAN: We didn't buy it off the army.
LIP: But we didn't bloody load it with Anthrax
or whatever it is?
Anthrax!
Are you serious?
LIP: I don't know, but it's there fore
because the army put it there.
Ask him.
Me?
Why me?
For fuck's sake, Tony, none of this is down to us.
Ask him.
Will you listen, right.
Just listen.
The lad's right.
Nearly right.
All this shit's got a lot more to do
with the army than anything to do with this lot.
PETE: Deliberately?
Look, the army is the only place
you're going to get vaccine.
Tell 'em, Tony.
PETE: They said there wasn't one.
That's what they told us, but I reckon they're bullshitting.
Fuck would you know, Gallagher?
What if they're just waiting to see what happens, eh?
So there is a vaccine.
But he's telling you what we think.
And we know more than most.
[music playing]
MOB: Come on, then!
Oh, fuck.
PETE: Come on!
Come on!
This is our Estate not yours!
Giving us anthrax!
We'll give you anthrax!
Come on!
This is the Chatsworth Estate and we're taking it back!
We've had enough of the army and the police coming down here!
It's a redemption zone.
Jah Rastafari!
Give me a consonant.
Oh, C.
Give me a vowel.
U.
Give me another consonant.
N. How we're gonna get Ian out now we've lost the truck?
FIONA: Don't know, Lip.
Is nobody up there with him?
I'll go up.
Give me another consonant, Carol.
T
VERONICA: Are you all right?
Oh.
VERONICA: Look, kid, if you throw up, I can't help ya.
I want Frank!
FRANK: Life under President Blair!
SOLDIER (ON SPEAKER): Could you please
all return to your homes.
PETE: Go on, get out of here.
SOLDIER: (ON SPEAKER) The situation is under control.
PETE: Take it to the White House!
FRANK: Not in my name!
PETE: We don't want you 'round here.
We're not having you on this Estate anymore!
Let us through!
We've heard it straight from the fucking horse's mouth.
You know a lot more than you're telling us!
And we've had enough!
FRANK: You know why they call 'em fatigues?
'Cause we're sick of the fucking sights of ya!
Stopping vital deliveries.
While the rest of us just--
no, thinking.
Baby Jesus.
Well I've been on the blower to Brussels
and you are all sacked!
[CROWD FIGHTING & GLASS BREAKING]
SOLDIER: Who threw that?
Oi, you!
COMMANDER: Will you please just shut the fuck up?
While you've been making your lives a lot more difficult
for yourselves and the rest of us,
people have been working 'round the clock to find the solution.
The contamination has been identified.
Vaccines are already being administered to high priority
cases as I speak.
They'll be with you as soon as possible.
But until they arrive, will you please continue
to just shut the fuck up!
I don't like his tone.
FRANK: It's like being in fucking Guantanamo Bay.
You don't know.
[mumbling]
IAN: Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!
Ian, I have to do this.
It takes less than a minute if you just keep still.
FIONA: Come on Ian, no one's messing about.
Now he knows what he's doing!
IAN: I don't care.
Fuck off!
Pin him down.
Kev.
Look, it's pretty heavy.
It'll hurt when it goes in a little bit.
A bit of a dead leg.
But I promise you, it's effective.
IAN: Oh.
Ow!
You fucking bastard!
Ow!
Ow.
Now if keep his leg moving it'll circulate it.
He'll be fine. - Honestly?
DOCTOR: Just keep his leg moving.
KEV: Ian, mate.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
IAN: Well you can, Kev.
Try.
DOCTOR: 16 Princess Margaret Drive.
CARL: Have you got any more puns?
Shit!
[labored breathing]
FIONA: Shit!
What now?
Have we got any fuse wire?
SHEILA: Give us another consonant.
L.
DEBBIE: Don't know why you boiling water for, Carl.
Mother of God!
No, Sheila!
You only do that when you are actually getting a contraction.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I'm all over the place, aren't I?
Give us a couple of vowels.
A. I.
You're getting one now.
Boy or girl?
STEVE: I thought you said it was a boy?
Oh, yeah.
And I meant a contraction.
Five, four, three, two, one.
[groaning]
Come on, Sheila!
Lunatic!
[laughing]
I've never had seven letters before!
[all laughing]
Come
[doorbell rings]
[christmas music playing]
STEVE: Come on, Sheila.
UMI: That's it, Sheila.
It wasn't for nothing.
It's a boy!
You have a son!
FIONA: He's beautiful.
Oh, geez, is that what they come out looking like?
Mine were both a bit smoother than that.
Oh, no offense, Sheila.
Congratulations.
[baby cries]
Oh.
Where's Frank, anyway?
Slag!
[choir sings]
[baby cries]
[choir continues]
Bombs on planes and contaminated meat at--
you know, thingy.
Little baby Jesus.
It's fucking ridiculous.
Who suffers?
The likes of us. That's who.
What have we done wrong?
Apart from fixing the odd meter and ringing the odd car.
I said to Conrad, "Call 'em all you want.
If they all went on strike, we'd be legless."
You know, shops, hospitals, the entire fucking transport
system.
If every immigrant on this sceptered Isle
downed tools for one day--
one day-- we'd come to a total fucking standstill.
Then they'd really have us by the balls.
[laughing]
Hey, but don't let that go giving you any ideas, Gandhi.
Otherwise, you know, we'll have, er--
I forget-- what's his name.
You know, Kilroy, on your doorstep,
pestering you for the vote.
Yak, yak, fucking yak.
Nightmare.
Hey.
Shouldn't you be lying down?
IAN: No.
I don't want to be in this room anymore.
Medic said I should stretch my legs anyway.
It
So how come you never phoned me somehow to tell me how ill
you were?
Too tired.
I couldn't be fucked.
Look, if I'm in the way between you and Yvonne, just say so.
Yvonne has been good to us.
We should be grateful.
Me, for the kids.
You, for the wages.
The pair of us, because she never
put out a gay-bashing fatwa.
She could have ended all this and she ain't.
She's far from perfect, but neither are we.
So what did you get me for Christmas?
Eh, slippers with built-in headlamps.
Fuck off! Yeah, what'd you get me?
Penis enlarger.
Same goes for you.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
VERONICA: Oh, yeah?
I don't like your bathroom.
Well stay out of then, smelly ass.
KEV: Ah, leave him alone, he's tanked.
Who let him get like that?
LIP: She did.
VERONICA: We're just celebrating the fact
that you're not dead, Ian!
Come on Carl, drink this.
And you, your robbing bastard!
Carl cut it out.
How much your Twix meant to be?
KASH: 49p.
So how much is quarter of midget gems meant to be?
28 Pence.
Yes, so how much is it meant to come to then,
you robbing bastard?
IAN: Carl, I'm warning ya.
77 Pence.
No it's not, It's 77.
Yeah, I said 77 Pence.
Did ya?
OK, sorry.
Sorry Kash.
I love your shop and your daughter is a stunner.
[church bell rings]
PRIEST: Will you, Carl Francis Gallagher,
take Meena Karib to be your lawful, wedded wife?
Would you love her, cherish her--
[music playing]
Frank!
It's Nigel.
Little Nigel.
FRANK: Is it?
Where the bloody hell have you been?
FRANK: Oh.
A couple of riots.
Pub.
[music continues]
Well.
Where's Nigel come from?
SHEILA: Little Nigel.
Little Delia.
What is it?
UMI: It's OK, Frank.
It is a boy!
FIONA: What now?
What's happening to her?
UMI: I don't know.
Sheila, the baby is here.
It's twins!
Mind your backs.
Here comes Delia!
It's a surprise for Frank.
Where are you, Frank?
It's a surprise.
[sirens wail]
[helicopter blades turning]
[distant church bells]
[truck engine passing]
[distant church bells]
SOLDIER: Right, next.
All right, you're not shoving that down
my 'til I know what's in it?
COMMANDER: It's just an antibiotic coagulant
in a zinc-phosphate-based emulsion.
Oh, right you are.
Actually, I think I've had this one before.
[music playing]
They're here.
Yeah, Fiona's here.
Quick, quick, quick.
ALL: Hooray!
[clapping]
I know that's mine.
[babies crying]
You've done well there, Frank.
Get fucked.
Tosser.
[babies crying]
ALL: Yeah!
LIP: Whoa!
All right, who's next?
LIP: Come on, then.
Come on, Carl.
Whoa!
Cheers, Fiona!
LIP: Open it up.
What have you got?
Whoa!
A microscope!
Ah!
[laughing] An ass and face towel.
FIONA: Ass face!
STEVE: Quick, Ian.
LIP: Go on.
CARL: Yeah, who's that off, Ian?
IAN: It's from Kash and Yvonne.
No way.
Look at you Ian.
FIONA: What are you employee of the month?
IAN: What are you on about?
STEVE: Hope you like it.
FIONA: Wow.
Wow.
[everyone cheers]
LIP: That was a good one, that.
Whoa!
Happy Christmas!
SHEILA: Happy Christmas!
What did you get?
Let's have a look at what you got.
Hey, happy Christmas.
Did you see Santa?
[footsteps]
FIONA: It's open.
Can I share your mirror?
They're really bugging me.
Thanks for the present.
It suits ya.
Did you like yours?
Yeah.
Look, I know why you never enjoy this time of year.
'Cause-- Christmas is when mum left.
So?
Not that?
No.
'Cause Christmas is when dad first got sent down?
No.
'Cause it's when you get expelled from St. Ellen's?
Big deal.
What's with the face?
I've started my periods.
When?
Last night.
You're too young.
I'm not the first in our year.
Why didn't you come to me?
I told Yvonne in the shop.
Rather than me?
No, 'cause, I had to buy--
stuff.
YVONNE: Never apologize for the anger, Debbie.
Feel it in your womb and learn to use it,
otherwise you'll go bleeding nuts.
[door bell rings]
You, out!
You're barred!
And anyway, you were busy.
I am never too busy to talk to you, sweetheart.
You can come to me with anything.
You know that.
I'm way too old for that microscope.
If I can persuade Carl it's worth double what you paid,
would you be offended if I had his leather jacket?
No.
Yeah!
He loves that jacket.
Yeah, but not if I told him he looks a bit gay.
OK.
Don't wipe the floor with him.
Of course not.
I'll make him think it's his idea.
Oh.
[footsteps]
[soft music playing]
VERONICA: Oi!
I asked you to keep an eye on the veg,
not plan the next bleedin' bonfire.
All right, bin.
Bi-nah.
Now, just listen to the sounds, mate.
All right, here we go.
Ba in na.
Banana.
Jesus, no!
Just listen to the sounds, Kev.
See, what did I say, your head won't help, will it?
Just makes me feel like a complete prick.
I'm really sorry, Kev.
Just-- let's just start from the beginning.
KEV: I'm going around ours to get some more beers.
Fucking hell!
Will someone please make sure I'm not sitting next to him
at the table?
I tried giving him lessons, young twat.
DEBBIE: Me now, I gave him an hour,
then I said me best friend had died so I had to go home.
Lip, Ian-- give us a hand.
That's Delia.
That's Nigel.
IAN: Hi, what do you need?
Trestle.
Go and fetch a trestle table from ours,
then nip around for Veronica's chairs.
LIP: How many are we?
Too many.
12.
IAN: 13.
Dad's not hungry.
Yeah, but you'll be joining us at the table, won't you, Frank?
Get fucked.
No!
I'm not having that.
Proud, new father.
Get Frank a chair.
Center table.
Where you belong, darling. d
Debbie.
Go and see if you can find dad something decent to wear.
LIP AND IAN: Not from my room.
Come on.
You're filthy.
[acoustic guitar music playing]
For what we are about to receive,
may the Lord our God make is us a little bit
more thankful than we might otherwise have been.
May he grant us wealth, and peace, and happiness--
and wealth.
Plus thanks for Pepe's resurrection.
PRIEST: In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Amen.
We have entrusted our dearly beloved brother
to God's merciful keeping.
And we now commit his body to the--
[dog barks]
What?
CAROL: You heard me, oh Lord, if my hour of need,
crying like a baby for my baby.
FRANK: Fuck's sake.
We're not religion
I'm not finished.
CAROL: No wonder you're all plagued by misfortune.
Thanks all the more for bringing me and Marty back together.
For uniting my babies at this special time
with these special people.
If you do your best for peace and wealth,
I'll work my socks off for you.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
FIONA: Come on everybody, let's eat!
Happy Christmas!
[all cheering]
[laughter]
[music playing]
[chatter and laughter]
[music continues]
[laughter]
STEVE: Oh here we go.
No, Frank.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Frank.
What?
I'll use your drink.
Hey dad, I think you've had enough.
Oh, no truer words said.
Too right.
'Cause care as soon as the doctor is open,
I am having the snip.
No, Frank!
FRANK: Oh, fucking yes!
[music continues]
FRANK: Talk about taking it up the shitter.
Eight kids on half a wage.
What's that If it's not a total fucking ambush.
Fucked.
[electricity crackling]
Oh, come on, Frank.
Starter for ten.
No conferring.
Queens, can you take it?
Was David Carradine all about if you learn fuck all, eh?
Where's your grasshopper now, Frank?
Snip, snip, fucking snip!
[electricity crackling]
WOMAN: Ooh.
Oh.
Frozen chips, triple-A batteries, drinking chocolate--
[filmrise jingle]