Look at me, right?
And look at the Queen.
I was never a fan, until it occurred to me, how
much me and Mom have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent,
but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we stick to our guns,
her literally sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger.
No, for setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a big wig on her end or a big wig on mine.
You stick All your dickheads in the middle to deal with.
Snip-snip-snipping at your benefit.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me
and thinking what is your secret, Frank?
I got shot of my kids yonks backs.
Whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine.
I've had to get out of bed on occasion
to make ends meet, whereas she-- she's done
the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure, there's perks.
But look at her lot.
Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
[applause]
[MUSIC - CONWAY TWITTY, "IT'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE"]
PATREESHA (VOICEOVER): It's not easy having talent.
I don't mean some dolly bird dance away on the telly
with a bleeding border collie.
I mean real, proper talent.
Talent alone's not enough.
It's what you do with it that counts.
Take my Mikey Wilson.
For a while, he was Chatsworth's next big thing.
Oldham, City, even Old Whiskey Nose at United
was said to be impressed.
But less impressed by the arrest for drink-driving
and the gram of coke in the glove box.
Goodbye theater of dreams.
[screaming]
Or then, there's Gillian Cassidy,
these days' own Meryl Streep.
You might remember her from Corrie.
She played 'Girl That Dave Smile at in the Rovers' back in 2009.
Sadly, Hollywood didn't come knocking.
Still gets to put those acting talents to good use though.
And then, there's me.
Tony Wilson said I had something.
God bless him.
Everyone said it was going to happen.
Everybody was wrong.
It's not too late though.
But that clock's a-ticking.
Just need somebody to notice me, because if nobody
does, if nobody cares, what's the point?
What?
I can't hear you.
It's this bloody noise.
Shit.
A fucking jazz club?
Can we at least pretend we're sophisticated?
You didn't mind the jockey.
This isn't the Jockey.
I thought that was just a line for the fellas.
I didn't realize we were actually
going to a fucking jazz club.
She's just not wanting to show herself up in front of her man.
He's married.
I'm married.
He's just helping us with our singing.
Well, Bernard's not really--
What?
Around much.
Is that him?
Oh, ass like a peach.
No.
He's that one there.
Oh, nice one.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Get her in there.
Can we at least try and pretend
that we're sophisticated?
Hey.
[inaudible]
You all right?
Best behavior, all of you.
I'm warning you.
Louis, these are my friends.
This is Louis.
You were very good.
Yeah, up there blowing on you big trombone.
Trumpet.
And I didn't know you were coming.
If I had, I'd've hauled you up onstage for a song.
I wouldn't want to embarrass myself.
She's very shy and retiring.
Yeah, we have these karaoke nights
and we practically have to force her to do a number.
Well, with a bit of luck, the days of karaoke might be over.
We're still batting things back and forth,
but I've spoken to my producer friend in Baton Rouge.
I think we're in for a visit.
No way.
So our Patreesha is gonna be a star then?
Being honest, a big singer with hit
albums and sold out tours, maybe not.
But a real singer with a real career.
I think with a bit of luck and effort, yeah,
that could happen.
I will drink to that.
To Pat.
Hey, someone's in trouble.
So what's happening now?
Right.
I'm going to look into a few hotels, draw up a schedule,
and obviously, we're gonna have to talk
about the financial side of things.
I meant now now.
Sorry.
No, it's my fault. Look, it's obvious that I'm
very, very fond of you--
I know.
You're married.
My wife spends most of her time away.
I mean, we're further apart than strangers.
It's barely a marriage at all.
No, no, no.
This is about you, Pat.
It's your big chance, kid.
And I don't want to screw things up by mixing business with--
still, as the expression goes, what happens in Baton Rouge.
We've got enough mouths to feed without involving
the feline world.
But Princess has got no home.
Dad, please.
Lesson in life, kiddo.
Never rely on the kindness of strangers.
Plus, Princess has got a penis.
So technically, if he's gonna be a royal,
he's a prince, or a duke at least.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Oh, yeah?
I need them for school.
All the lads are doing it.
Right you get tatters deep in some woman.
Then, you bring her panties and then
everyone has a sniff of them.
Why don't you just nick one of your Mom's?
You are sick.
And Don't tell my mom either.
Fuck are you playing at?
I was just returning you property.
It's a funny story actually.
Put my pants down.
Next month?
Those tickets were all booked.
I've never been to America.
Louis goes all the time.
God, it's really happening, isn't it?
Just don't forget us little people when you're swanning
around in your private jet.
Not going to be like that.
That's my 18th sorted.
Stev said I can have it at his. AVRIL: Stev?
Do you think his parents are fine with him
throwing some big party?
No, he doesn't live with his parents.
He squats.
Let's take this through to the bedroom.
Do you know what would be even better?
Big party at the Jockey.
No, I'd rather have a car.
It would impress all your friends.
18 years old, already a regular in a pub.
Everybody knows your name.
Dead impressive that.
We could have champagne, free bar.
Just leave it with us, love, within budget.
[doorbell]
Shit.
That's Louis.
I've not finished put me face on.
Just about the career then?
Shut it.
[music - "makin' whoopee"]
(SINGING) Another bride, another June,
another sunny honeymoon, another season, another reason
for making whoopee.
A lot of shoes, a lot of rice, the groom is nervous.
He answers twice.
It's really killing that he's so willing to make whoopee.
How have you remained a secret all his time, Pat?
That was a little bit off in the chorus.
Never be afraid to aim for notes
that are out of your range.
They're words to live by.
Do you think I could--
Just that way.
I was totally flat, wasn't I?
You're going places, our kid.
You're barred.
What?
Oh, that.
Minor misunderstanding.
You stole my mom's knickers off the line.
It's pretty major in my book.
And you've not apologized yet.
Yes.
Well, of course, in the shadowy world of underwear thieves,
your mother unmentionables have long
been considered the holy grail.
JAMIE: B-A-Double R-E-D. Barred.
[music - "all of me]
(SINGING) All of me, why not take all of me?
Can't you see, I'm no good without you?
Come on.
Come on, Pat.
Come on.
(SINGING) I wanna lose them.
[heart beating]
Louis.
Jesus.
Shit.
Call an ambulance.
Fuck. My phone.
Where's yours?
PATREESHA: Fuck.
Fuck.
OK.
Louis.
What is it?
Pills.
You've got pills in there.
Louis.
No.
No, come on, love. Stay out of the light.
Pat.
Come on.
Pat.
Bloody hell.
It's got to be dodgy.
Nobody carries this much cash around them.
He's dead.
Look, I know you cared about him, a lot.
Just died, right here in my living room.
Pat, what are we gonna do about the money?
Why not take his shoes while you're at it?
My get a couple quid from down the market.
I'm thinking about you.
Baton Rouge, America, producer.
All that takes money.
[doorbell]
PARAMEDICS: Hello.
It's the paramedics.
Can you open the door please?
Stand back, please.
Is he breathing?
Airway's clear, but he's nonresponsive.
No output.
I have just been banned from the Jockey.
And you want to know why?
They're saying that I nicked Mimi McGuire's
underwear for the purposes of--
of personal gratification.
I'm not going to judge you, Frank.
Because it wasn't me.
It-- tell her.
Tell her.
Tell her that you stole the witch's underwear so you could
take it to school and sniff it.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Jesus.
That's low, Frank, even for you.
Me?
I'm the innocent party.
Hello?
[shower running]
It's only me.
Just your friendly neighborhood person.
Just-- I'm just here to discuss the misunderstanding.
[shower stops]
Hello?
Oh.
Fucking hell.
So also a funny story.
You fucking pervert.
The lock's been forced.
Wait.
Is that what your look meant?
Because my look was all, let's get out of here right now.
We'll be in and out in five minutes.
You sure he's got a wife?
Of course he's got a wife.
Why would he've lied about that?
I don't know.
Just seems a bit bachelor-esque.
Magic.
Let's break in and critique the decor.
Fine.
Just see if he's got any contact list,
laptop, Rolodex, whatever.
Proper little Ms. Marple, aren't you?
LOUIS: That's the problem with nosing about.
You look hard and long enough, you're bound to turn up
something you wish you hadn't.
So says Mr. Darren Bloody Smith.
LOUIS: Louis works much better as a stage name.
Travel to American all the time, did you?
Doesn't look great, does it?
No.
You were special to me, you know?
What is it exactly that you don't trust, Pat?
My intentions?
Or your own talent?
Any luck?
Yeah.
Great.
Got all the details.
Baton Rouge here you come.
That's my wash on.
I'm gonna put it out later.
You all right, Mom?
Wonderful, love.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
MAN (PHONE): Avril?
No, this is her phone.
I'm her sister.
MAN (PHONE): Oh, just to let you know
that I've spoken to the owners and we're all set.
So if you can just drop the cash deposit off at the office,
we'll get the paperwork signed and the flat's all hers.
Fantastic.
Thanks.
MAN (PHONE): Bye now.
I can't believe she'd do this to me.
LOUIS: Pound signs spinning in her eyes
the moment she saw that money, a chance to get away from you.
Mary Mae only visits when she wants to.
And as for Bernard, well, we all know about your husband.
But your sister, that's a knife in the back,
a wound that runs deep.
Everybody thinks I'm a fucking mug.
I didn't.
I don't know that anymore.
I don't know anything.
You deserve that money.
You deserve it for all them bastards that
have used you, cast you aside.
You deserve all of it, every last penny.
This is your time.
Oh, ta, kid.
Good to know you're on my side.
Two quid.
What? Oh.
OK.
There you go.
Keep the change.
Buy yourself something nice.
Two quid.
You sent away Princess.
Everyone is right.
You're a bad man.
Everyone? Everyone?
We're talking a small, narrow-minded minority here.
Ah, fuck.
I came home and they'd got in somehow.
They must've been looking for the money.
Look at this mess.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Luckily, I had the money on me.
I don't feel safe anymore.
We need to get out of here.
CHES: It's only for a few days.
It won't be that bad.
MARY MAE: Have you ever lived with my mom?
She's mental.
She's all right.
And I did it for you.
I thought you'd be happy.
Oh, yeah stuck in a pokey little flat with two of them?
Yeah, best news ever.
Who do you think it is that's after the cash?
Don't know, loan sharks, Moss Side drug dealers.
Whoever it is they obviously want their money back.
Maybe we should've never taken the cash in the first place.
It's a bit late for that now.
You never did tell me what you intend to do with your share.
I hadn't really thought about it.
25 grand though.
That'd be enough to, I don't know,
put down a deposit on a new place.
Like I said, hadn't really thought that far ahead.
When were you going to tell me?
I mean, am I really that much of a burden
that you'd keep pushing and shoving me off to America,
same time you're plotting away to move
out without even a word.
Maybe if you weren't such a fucking victim all the time,
I wouldn't have to.
Course, it's all my fault.
No.
Actually, it's everybody else's.
It's Bernard's fault you were blind to the fact
that he's as bent as a curly whirly.
It'll be Louis's fault that your career
will never amount to anything.
And it'll be my fault that you're all on your own
with no one to complain to.
Right.
This one is definitely my fault then.
Where you going?
Pat.
This is all you fucking care about.
Mom, what are you doing?
Don't.
Fuck.
Like I said, won't be that bad.
So you stole the money?
No.
We were just holding on to it until--
yeah.
We stole it.
Maybe she was trying to protect you, burn the evidence.
No.
She's doing what she always does,
making sure the whole fucking world revolves around her.
CHES: She burnt 50,000 pound.
Where's the bag?
She burned it.
For fuck's sake.
LOUIS (VOICEOVER): LOUIS: You deserve that money.
You deserve all of it.
Fucking set me up.
I told you she was mental.
The break in.
The danger.
It's all distractions so she can take every penny for herself.
Don't you get it?
I can honestly say I have no idea what's going on.
Wait.
Does this mean that you'll be staying with us
or are you moving out?
Give me one day, Ches, and you won't see me for dust.
Nice car.
Yeah?
It's my cousin's.
Looks like I'm having the party at the Jockey.
Sweet.
Just-- just text us the details, yeah?
I don't need to.
You're right here.
What the hell?
You asshole.
It's not what it looks like.
It's only a blow job.
She's my cousin.
It's not like it counts.
You can shut it an all.
It's Gallagher, isn't it?
Frank Gallagher?
I'm Maurice O'Neill.
I live in the courts, flat 19.
Congratulations.
Very good.
No, it's just I heard about your little incident.
Oh, yeah. What are you then?
Some have-a-go hero, pride of Britain?
You want make a name for yourself, do you?
Well, go on. Try it.
Quite the opposite.
I think it's disgusting how this place has treated you.
Well, the black beating heart of our big society that is.
Thou shalt judge thy fellow man, dob him in, hound him out.
Divided we shall stand.
Lessons ripped straight from the play books
of the Gestapo and the Stasi.
Couldn't agree more.
It's a fallen world.
Would you like a drink, Mr. Gallagher?
Maybe I should write a book, "Touched by a Filthy Bugger."
Frank didn't actually touch you.
He pinched me fucking knickers,
exposed himself to me.
Right, yeah.
He's a twat, but I've never had him
down for one of them perverts.
He hasn't the energy to wave his fucking dick about.
It's probably a misunderstanding.
Flyers.
I should hand out my flyers, warn people.
Oh.
Hello old friend.
It's been a while.
You busy?
No.
AVRIL: Good.
I need your help.
I want you to kidnap my daughter.
I just want to say something, all right?
This is a bad idea.
Fake kidnappings always backfire.
Let me worry about that.
All right.
I'm just saying, your sister finds out about this
and your relationship is fucked forever.
Even worse, if a nut job finds out about this or the cash
and you've got proper trouble.
You know what the estate's like.
Nobody can keep a fucking secret.
AVRIL: I'm not asking this as a favor.
I'll pay you.
200 quid.
And you can keep your opinions to yourself.
How much is she going for?
50 grand.
Fuck off.
She's not worth that much.
She's worth much more.
I just need her to hang out here for a day,
out of view, and for you to pick up the money when
it comes through.
You see, you're just making this sound really
nice and easy, aren't you?
What you're really talking about here is serious fraud.
And Shane don't get out of bed for less than 500.
Done.
1,000.
What's my cut?
- You get your party. - No.
Fine.
I'll buy you a bloody car.
And you, 700, final offer.
I like to think us all as snowflakes.
Each is special and unique, mysterious in our own ways.
Exactly.
Well, that's not what they want is it?
Society full of obedient little robots,
punching the time clock, saluting the CCTV as they pass.
The main thing is, we accept all colors under the rainbow.
As I've often said, it's the differences that unites us.
But you'll be able to share that with the others soon.
Right, the other whats?
Of our little brotherhood, men of certain tastes.
Oh, I'm not really a brotherhood sort of person,
more of a lone wolf.
Because society has made you that.
Oh, it took me some time to be strong and finally admit
that, hey, I am sexually aroused by anthropomorphic animal
characters.
Huh?
I think it was Soo from "The Sooty Show"
that first caused the quiver.
Do you remember her?
Dirty wee panda in that teeny weeny red skirt.
You ever wondered what a panda would look like with breast
implants, Mr. Gallagher?
I'll just take these for the road.
Don't be scared Mr. Gallagher.
You're amongst friends now.
You're no fucking friend of mine.
Where are you gonna run, Mr. Gallagher?
There's nowhere left for you to go.
We're all you've got.
AVRIL: You were right.
We should never have taken that money.
My own daughter, Pat, my own fucking daughter.
What are we gonna do?
We pay the ransom.
With what?
I've got fuck all.
I think we should call the police.
Avs, I--
I didn't-- I didn't burn the money.
I've still got it, all of it.
No, you did.
I saw you.
No.
I switched it before we even got here.
I just got so screwed up about you leaving.
I'm sorry.
So we can--
we can pay the ransom?
It's my problem.
I brought Louis, that money, into our lives.
AVRIL: Come here.
What you doing?
Nothing.
Doesn't look like nothing.
I was playing hide and seek.
And you're it.
Go on.
Go and hide.
All right, but no peeking.
I told you, piss off--
PATREESHA: I'm just so, so sorry.
AVRIL: Yeah, I know.
No, I mean for trying to stop you having your own life.
I failed everything, career, love.
I just didn't want to admit I'd failed at being a sister
as well, you know?
Is that them?
No.
Over there.
PATREESHA: Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Money.
If you've done anything to her--
Mom, I was so scared.
I thought I would never see you again.
Enough of the dramatics.
Tone it down.
I want you to know something.
I will find out who you are.
And I will hurt you for what you've done to my family.
You all right?
Listen, Mimi wants me to make sure everyone's
got one of these, so--
Billy-- Billy
No, I know she's gone a bit psycho over the whole thing,
but she's the wife, her who must be obeyed?
Here you are, Shane.
I love that bally, mate.
I'm not Shane.
What? You are.
Remember, you wore that last Christmas
at the big snowball fight, the one
where you kept going on about getting frostbite.
I mean, come on.
Seriously?
It wasn't even cold and this guy's like Scott
of the freaking Antarctic.
What the fuck?
Her idea.
You tried to rip me off.
You tried to rip me off first.
Cat fight in 3, 2, 1.
I will kill you.
Come on.
Fucker.
What the fuck?
It's all right.
It's my neighbor, so it doesn't count.
Twat.
Gonna be polite.
Gonna be nice.
Gonna plaster on a fake fucking smile for your daughter's
birthday party.
But after that, we split the cash and go our separate ways,
end of.
Fine by me.
You're Patreesha, aren't you?
You knew Louis.
He died at your house.
What makes you say that?
One of us has a mate in the hospitals,
gave us the details about poor Darren Smith.
Are you family?
No.
Far from it.
We're trying to get the money back.
The money he stolen from all of us.
We don't know anything about money.
Louis comes over all caring, pretends
to be married so you feel safe.
Says you're unique, has a producer friend in Baton Rouge,
just need some cash for the plane ticket.
Then, he buggers off.
He's been pulling this scam all over Manchester.
Ladies, I'm sorry you were conned,
but we don't know anything about your cash.
What's in the bag?
AVRIL: I think you've made a mistake.
And as you can see, this is a private party.
You don't want to be asked to leave twice.
Seriously.
Didn't ask you for cash, did he?
Course he fucking didn't.
Maybe we should--
Return the money? I earned this.
This is mine.
Probably full of bullshit anyway.
Surprised you didn't get on with them better.
What do you want to say to Frank?
Tam.
Sorry, Mr. Gallagher.
Well, all right.
No harm done.
So if you can get you ass out there
and tell the rest of them.
No, Frank.
I'm a pariah.
I've been banned from the pub, harangued by strangers
and neighbors alike, groomed by weirdos
who like pandas with breasts.
People will get over it.
People will feed on it.
They'll keep it going and going until I'm
driven off the estate.
I'm not throwing my son to the wolves.
Maybe if you spoke to Mimi--
Tried that.
It didn't work.
Maybe you didn't say the right thing.
I'm the aggrieved party.
Why the fuck should I help you and klepto boy here?
I'm the best bloody neighbor you'll ever have.
It's your word against me and Tam.
Who do you think everyone's going to believe?
Really?
Just tell here you did it for love.
I'll show you what I found in his locker.
And if you're anything like the others,
you'll probably want this as well.
No need to read on, love.
It's only gonna hurt you.
Very well then.
Patreesha St. Rose, middle-aged, lonely, clearly looking
for somebody to believe in her.
Given the right attention, will most likely be a pushover.
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Avril was right.
You got victim written all over you.
You're so self-centered that anyone
who spends any time with you just
wants to hurt you or get the fuck away
from you as fast as they can.
Worst thing is you miss me, because you're
grateful, pathetically grateful for the crumbs I threw you.
Fuck off.
I stole your underwear, because I
am sexually attracted to you.
- Twat him. - For what?
For what he's just said.
That was a compliment.
I know I don't mean the same to you.
You don't remember the first time we met.
You don't arrange your day so that you
bump into me accidentally.
You don't mourn all that little choices
that we've made that have led us down separate paths, but I do.
I, Vernon Francis Gallagher, am so in love
with you that I had no choice but to steal your underwear
and expose myself to you.
I feel sorry for you, Frank.
You're so messed up in there, but I'll accept your apology.
That's very gracious of you.
This good lady is paying for my tab.
Go on then, you poor bastard.
We've always been mates.
But now I'm thinking, ain't that the best way
to start off a relationship?
A mate with tits? - Yeah.
Perfect.
You want to slow down there, mate.
What?
She's all over me, man.
I'm hot shit.
Eh.
Rule of thumb, teenage girls love bad boys.
Fucking great, isn't it?
Don't worry about it, mate.
She'll get sick of him and you'll
be there to pick up the pieces.
Just give it five, six years at least.
Pat--
Fuck off as well.
What are you doing?
Cheeky cow.
My name is Patreesha.
And I'm a failure.
My husband Bernard likes to fuck other men.
My daughter doesn't ever bother coming around anymore.
Don't blame her.
And my sister just wants to get the hell away from me.
Again, no blame.
But man I loved, Louis, he saw something in me that I didn't
know existed until today.
He saw a sucker, someone so desperate
that he could rip me off without breaking sweat.
Well, I ripped him off for 50 fucking grand.
So who's the sucker now, you cunt?
Yeah.
That's right.
50 grand. and it's all for me.
I deserve it.
So rot in hell, you conniving bastard.
Get your hands off me.
For fuck's sake.
You want to highlight the fact we've got 50 grand in a place
like this.
Come on.
It's just one big note, is it?
Jesus.
Pat.
You never told me you gave him money.
Like you fucking care.
Of course I care.
You can fuck off with the rest of them.
I'm not having some wing nuts puttings the shits up me.
Go home.
Piss off and take it.
It's what you want.
AVRIL: I'm not leaving you.
Right.
What do you two twats want?
Don't know.
50 grand would do it.
Come on then, take it.
I fucking dare you.
You got a problem with them, you got a problem with us.
Who are you?
Fucking neighborhood watch?
Jesus.
Where can we take you?
- Just home. - Fuck that.
There's a party.
Look, we might know where the money is.
And we'll probably be able to get it back to you.
Definitely be able to get it back to you.
Fair's fair?
Are we going to the bloody party, or what?
[MUSIC - CONWAY TWITTY, "IT'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE"]
PATREESHA (VOICEOVER): The world's full
of frustrated artists, yelling out for someone to notice them,
hoping for that one moment where someone recognizes
their talent, sees something special in them
that nobody's seen before.
you can wait so long that you don't even
notice the good things that are right there in front of you,
folk that maybe can't make you a star,
but they've got your back.
They've seen great things in you all along,
believed in you from the start.
So I'll keep on going, til my last bloody breath.
In the meantime, I'm available for weddings, parties,
bar mitzvahs, you name it.
Just don't forget to pack your ear plugs.
[music playing]
I'm out of turps.
Hurry up then.
I'll be back tomorrow.
I've got homework. Looks better though, doesn't it?
How?
How is that better?
Come here, you.
We're not finished.
Get back here on your hands and knees.