Look at me, right?
And look at the Queen.
I was never a fan until it occurred to me how
much me and mom have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent,
but she might as well one.
Plus, the pair of us, we stuck to our guns,
her literally sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally, not
for never lifting a finger, no.
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine,
you still got all your dickheads in the middle
to deal with snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looked at me and thinking,
what's your secret, Frank?
I got a shot of my kid's yonks backs,
whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine.
I've had to get out of bed on occasion
to make ends meet, whereas she, she's done
the whole thing from a chair.
And a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure, there's perks.
But look at her lot, Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
BILLY (VOICEOVER): If you knew what
other people thought of you, would you behave the same?
The way I see it, there's two versions of yourself.
There's that you that everyone else sees,
you know, what they think of you, how they see you.
Then there's that you that you see.
What you really think about yourself.
It's all about the rights of people.
The rights of men, the rights of women.
Not just about tarts under horses at the derby.
BILLY (VOICEOVER): And sometimes, those two versions,
they're really different.
Twat.
Dickhead.
BILLY (VOICEOVER): But sometimes they're the same.
It's all right being exactly what
people think you are if you're cool, like Rambo
or the Terminator.
But who'd want to be Billy Tutton?
No one, that's who.
No experience required.
Make up to 1,000 pounds per week, and car included.
Do you really think I can do it?
No.
Fix it or I'll have your balls.
Go on, then.
Ask me one of those questions.
What's going on?
William here's sick of being bone idle.
Since when?
So William, what are your strengths and weaknesses?
I've been knocked unconscious maybe seven or eight times,
and I've got no permanent brain injury.
My weaknesses?
OK.
I'm not a very quick learner, but when I get it, I've got it,
and not even a crowbar to the skull will make me forget it.
What'd you think?
I wouldn't build your hopes up.
Besides, which you've already got
the most important job in the world, bringing up Little Miss
Poo Poo Pants.
Go to Daddy.
That's more your style, lad, shit patrol.
What happened?
I've got a strong personality.
Kids struggle with it.
Which kids?
I can't help if you won't tell me?
You can't help anyway.
There's a case of lager if you can
clear it up before the council finds
out what we've been dumping.
All right, two cases of lager.
So how would your colleagues describe you?
What?
Oh, oh, right.
Well, no one really pays much attention to me.
But this sales job would change all
that, because people respect you if you're good at something.
What you doing?
That's hanging, bro.
Now smell it. - No.
Come on, give him a kiss.
No, man.
Just imagine people thinking I've done all right.
My wife, looking at me proud.
Little bastards.
I want to more than balls deep in shit.
You peddling hummus?
It's a private matter, Mimi, so--
Well, you're going to spit it out,
or do I have to go listen to my wire in Vernon's office?
Thalia's having problems with other kids.
Well, tell her to punch them.
We're not fighting pitbulls.
This is delicate, Mimi.
And delicacy, no offense, isn't really your thing, is it?
She was happy till we moved her here.
I failed her.
My son's been stoned for a year.
I know failure.
There's no reason to pick on her.
She's only been here a few months,
and it's not like she's fat or ugly.
We take bullying very seriously, extremely seriously.
It's just we can't do very much about it.
So--
I want something done, and if I have to go to the papers,
to the Education Department--
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You misunderstand.
Of course, we'll do everything we can.
There's government grants for all this anti-bullying caper.
Mimi Tutton--
Mimi Tutton?
Bullying's right up her alley.
What you know about sales?
I've sold things before.
Drugs, Billy.
Not security systems.
Drugs, house alarms, once you get to know your product,
you know how to sell it.
I've got transferable skills.
It's not like we need the money.
It's not about the money.
I'm supporting us both fine, aren't I?
- Yeah, but-- - You don't want for nothing.
Here you go.
You all right, love?
I've got a job interview at 10:00 next door.
Today's your day?
Everyone expects me to fuck up.
Try that thing where you imagine the interviewer
sitting on the toilet with their pants
down, like everybody else.
Wait.
What if it's a woman, and I get a stiffy?
You're here because you're all little shits.
You target the weak, the pitiful,
and that little, bald weirdo with the alopecia.
Let me be clear.
I don't give two figs, but you gave Thalia
Blanco a proper shiner, and her mom's
got a gob the size of Africa.
So who was it?
Who was it?
Thalia made fun of Jones.
That kid with the bowel disorder?
And he spazzed out and punched her.
Let me get this straight.
Thalia Blanco bullied a vulnerable child?
Fuck.
Get out.
And don't come back, you smack addict.
Methadone, my balls.
You all right, love?
Interview not go well then?
Not your day either, is it?
We need to remember, bullying hurts everyone.
Not just the target, but the bully as well.
Schools have a duty of care to protect kids,
and maybe that should mean excluding bullies.
Believe me, if it was that easy to get rid of they.
This is serious.
Yes, of course, it is.
If Thalia engaged in bullying, you'd support excluding her?
- 100%. - You sure?
Yes.
Thalia's a bully.
What?
The kids don't like her, because she repeatedly engages
in planned and orchestrated attempts
at character assassination.
Oh dear.
No, no.
There must be a mistake.
She wouldn't-- she couldn't--
She did.
But--
Esther, There's no need for denial anymore.
We're not here to judge.
Hey, Billy?
Yeah?
You're doing fucking marvelous.
I'm employed.
- Serious? - Serious.
I'm a cook in the cafe next door.
You're a cook?
Yeah, I make 150 squid a week.
In cash. - That's it?
And you have to go every day?
Yeah.
But you're earning peanuts for shoveling grease.
Mimi will proper respect you now.
Oy.
I look like a salesman, don't I?
So?
So who's to know any different?
If I tell her I'm a salesmen, I'm a salesman, aren't I?
Boosh.
Mr. Hard Lock Security at your service.
You're joking?
They hired you in a recession?
With no skills, no experience, no training?
You got a job?
I blew the fucking roof off, babe.
Boosh.
I'm Billy Tutton, and I'm a cook.
What are you doing out here on your own, love?
Frank nipped my keys.
What's that?
Oh, it's broken.
It's stuck on this channel.
It's foreign.
Aerobics Channel.
You haven't been impersonating some poor girl as The Minger
from Notre Dame.
But she's a minger.
Oh, wait, I got a picture.
OK, she's not very pretty, but that's not the point.
Thalia, you shouldn't make fun of people.
You do.
I do not.
Yes, you do.
Come anywhere near me with that knob,
and I'll rag it off you, and I'll ram it up your ass.
Oh, Derrilee, Sher--
Sherrilee Duffy.
Anybody seen my bloody glasses?
Well, yes, but it was wrong.
If someone's ugly, don't point it out.
Just say how nice her dress is instead.
What if the dress is minger too?
Just say it's pretty anyway.
It's the teeniest lie.
The truth is the truth, isn't it?
There you go.
What? Really?
I can have them?
Three days after the sell by date, but you cook it well.
You all right, love?
It's nothing.
It's just thanks.
Six across, the Egyptian President, died 1970.
Sheik Kebab.
How do you spell it?
Any way you want, love.
Nobody can know everything.
Nits, Lillian.
Bloody nits.
You see, what you got to make clear to the client
is you're not selling security, you're selling peace of mind.
And can you put a price on that?
But you're not selling security.
You're flipping eggs.
This job has changed my life.
Maybe I should buy cufflinks.
Do you have a shirt that needs cufflinks?
No, but just the thought of buying them
makes me feel proud, like I'm a man who needs cufflinks.
But you don't need them.
You don't have a shirt, because you don't have the job.
Yeah, but nobody knows that, do they?
I made it all right.
Billy Tutton has finally become a man.
So talk me through how you do it.
Sell me security.
Once you've got them sold on cameras,
you can flog them deadbolts, window guards.
Give the windows a shake, and look grave.
Shitting themselves is exactly where you want them.
I getting them shitting their pants, I shake the windows,
and then look grave.
You look fiercer than James Bond in that suit.
Like me, eh?
I've got my very own Hard Cock consultant.
I had started believing, you know,
that I might actually be nothing, a nobody.
Having a job doesn't make you somebody.
You do that.
Well, how am I somebody?
Well, you've got a heart the size of a horse, you pillock.
You mean, it won't matter if I didn't have the job?
The suit?
Just me would be enough?
I loved you penniless in trainers, didn't I?
Nice having the new car though, eh?
Oh, yeah.
The other car.
[music - snoop dogg, "bpoom"] Get your money, whip your hair.
Executive branch blowing smoke like a player.
yeah, in the club, yes, it cracks.
Cute little mama, but they stacked with backs.
I'm smoking grape, purple urkle.
You and Doggy world come and join the circle.
I break down herbal till I move like a turtle.
My money is green, and my Porsche is turbo.
In hot pursuit, come rock with Snoop.
Baby's a lawyer, her body's the truth.
I'm in the game for real.
It pays to chill.
I walk in the club, and they front the bill.
I'm the Big Dogg, best beware.
You coming with me.
If you stop and stare, she'll be on my team,
in my car, all the way to the spot.
Yes, you are.
Toasting up, hosting us.
What you playing at?
A car?
Well, how am I supposed to make my sales without wheels?
Really?
You're not a fucking salesman.
That's why I'm only renting it.
Just a mid-range hatchback, nothing flash.
How much?
200 quid a week.
You only make you 150.
What's the point in being a hotshot salesman
if you're not flushed with cash?
But you're not flushed with cash.
I know that, Einstein.
I've got to project an image of success, haven't I?
Can I come in?
Oh, sorry, pet, but kids are full of filth,
and I can't have that in me brothel.
Sorry.
Your best champagne.
Not got any.
Lager then.
He's got a car now.
I'm wet with excitement.
I'll have a lager, and a double vodka chaser on Billy.
See as you're flush with cash.
Drinks on Billy.
Nice to see a Chatsworth lad making something of himself.
Not like the rest of you inbreed lazy fucks.
What are you doing?
For the drinks.
You're fucked now, Billy boy.
You'll have to rob a bank to keep this up.
Really though?
Well, where else are you going to get it from?
Don't use your keys, you dick.
Well, how else are we going to get in?
Stop messing about.
Start acting like a burglar.
What you doing?
Burglars don't respect property, do they?
My Aunt Harriet gave us that for our wedding.
Well, seen as a burglar don't know your Aunt Harriet,
he won't give a fuck, would he?
Me keeping it real is well going to save our ass.
Right, right, right.
Make it look real, just hurry the fuck up about it.
Maybe I should shit in the bed?
No.
Well, piss in the sink?
Making it real, means cash, jewelry,
thinks people would steal.
What you doing?
I said, no pissing.
You said not in the sink.
This is the hallway.
Lie, she stays.
What happened?
I did just as you said.
I said be nice to people.
How were you nice?
I told Stuart that Bec probably
liked him because he likes her.
He were well happy.
What's wrong with that?
Bec kicks him in the balls when he tried to kiss her.
So she doesn't like him?
Course not.
He's a skidmark.
Now how do you think Stuart now feels?
This is how he feels.
You are a terrible mother.
Almost two grand.
I'm laughing.
Right.
What we're going to do is keep the gear here till it's
safe to move, and then--
You have to find somewhere else to put all this shit.
You'd have to be a fucking idiot to want any of it.
Can you not go any faster?
My legs are shorter than yours.
- Just make yours go quicker. - Fuck off.
You all right?
All right.
- I heard you need a new TV? - No.
Because yours is stuck on aerobics.
Just take it, early Christmas.
Since I got you a new TV, maybe we could be friends?
Come on.
It's OK.
No, Billy, it's not OK.
I had no idea that locket meant so much to you.
It's the only thing my mom ever gave to me.
The only good memory of her that I've got.
When I find the fucker who did this--
It's in the past now, babe, just forget it.
I'll never forget this, Billy.
Someone has taken a massive dump on our lives.
It's just a little piss.
I got the Febreeze straight on it.
When When I find the fucker who's done this,
I'll rip him apart limb from fucking limb.
How did they know where the money was?
Tonight's about emptying your mind of worries.
Oh, turn this shite off.
It's more irritating than a bloody yeast infection.
It's someone who knows us.
Who knows we wouldn't be home.
Knows we've got cash.
I bet it's one of them bastards from the Jockey.
Can't we just pretend like none of this happened?
Probably bought the fucker a drink.
Well, drink up, sunshine, because you'll
be lucky to shit through a straw when
my boys are finished with you.
Just forget it now.
You'll never find them.
Oh, we'll find them.
If we have to rough up every screw from ear to China,
we'll find them.
They know.
Who knows?
Jamie and Shane.
We're fucked.
If they knew, Mimi would know.
We'd already be dead.
If I could just give her back the locket.
Oh, yeah, sign your own death warrant.
Say I have found it in the house somewhere.
The burglar's dropped it on the way out.
What?
Because we're not just burglars, we're shit burglars.
Sound.
Where is it?
Maybe you did drop it, you useless dick.
Don't call me useless.
Anyway, you call this secure?
I'm not the cunt who works in security, am I?
Just dump the lot somewhere no will ever find it.
Dump it?
So I take all the risk hiding all the stuff
and I'm supposed to walk away with nothing?
What do you want?
- Grand. - Fuck off.
That's my wife's money.
Which we stole.
50-50.
It's not even 100 quid.
Please, just get rid of it or we're dead.
It has to be someone from around here,
or how'd they know to target our house.
JAMIE: We've tried all the usual suspects, nothing.
Salmonella Sam was screwy some bird that's not his wife,
but he definitely didn't rob you.
He don't know who did.
Steal the biscuits as well, did they?
JAMIE: It's probably just kids. - How do you reckon that?
It's hardly some mastermind criminal, is it?
What sort of fucking idiot steal a toaster?
It's the place mats that get me?
Well, he might have been a fucking idiot,
but looks like he's got away with it,
and right under your noses.
Well, I'm just saying.
We've tried every pawn shop in Manchester.
No one's tried to shift the gear.
No one's used the money to pay off any debts,
or buy anything flash.
Maybe we should just move on now, eh, babe.
Put it behind us.
Not till I feel safe again in my own home.
Get Hard Lock around.
I want the works.
Hard Lock?
Security so tight, even a fart can't slip out.
You've done your Best but, my social alienation
is bigger than both of us.
We need to talk solutions.
Home school.
No, Thalia.
Just till I'm 18, then I'll move
to Israel where I'll be safe.
Home-schooled kids are friendless freaks.
I am a friendless freak.
Why do you think they call me Saddo Saddo No friends Blanco.
You are a great kid, and you will make friends.
I promise.
Even the bald kid has more status.
You do impressions of people and make friends, but when I do it,
they hate me.
But I don't do it to their faces,
so I don't hurt their feelings.
So that makes it all right?
No, that's not what I meant.
I'm honest and upfront, and you
sneak around being cruel to people behind their backs.
You know what?
You're right.
Maybe we both need to say sorry.
Wat can I get you?
I'm here to say I'm sorry.
What for?
I do this impression of you behind your back.
I'm not proud of myself, and I want to apologize.
Impression?
The point is, I'm sorry, and it won't happen again.
Now, wait a minute.
What?
Well, show me.
Show you? No.
I'm not doing that. - Come on.
I can take a joke, can't I?
What can I get you?
Fuck's sake, Karen, I can take a joke, can't I?
And then you do your nostril thing.
See, you're doing it right now.
Yeah.
Good one.
People want to forgive, Thalia.
They just need to know you're sorry.
I started in the biz doing impressions.
Come on then. Let's see what you can do.
The voice of an angel, me.
Beyonce can rim me.
As I said, I'm very sorry.
They can't refuse a mosque because little fat skinheads
march from one dole office to another, the bald little twats.
That went well.
Can I come in?
No, pet.
Oh, you shouldn't have, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Now, can we be friends?
You need friends your age, or you'll end up a weirdo,
and believe me, I know.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Ah.
Fuck.
So how much does all this cost?
Two cameras, hard locks for the front
and back doors, and this.
[barking]
About 800 quid.
Ain't that your car?
What?
Fuck.
Where you going, bro?
You should have kept up with the payments.
That your car?
Yeah, it's just going in for a check up.
Oh, surprise.
Welcome to your newly secured home.
Got the hard Lock crew in today.
Oh.
If it weren't for Billy, I'd go mad.
No.
I haven't done much, really.
You've been a bloody rock.
Staying calm, fixing up the house safe.
I'd have pummeled the first scully I thought looked at me
funny.
Could be somebody we know.
Maybe even someone here.
What can I get you, darling?
Vodka and coke, please?
Where'd you get that?
What?
That's my mom's locket.
What are you on about?
Get off me.
Where'd you get it!
No lies or I'll have your twat on a barbecue.
Where'd you get it?
What you know about this?
My locket.
No, my locket.
Is she giving them to everyone?
I thought I was special.
That's my TV.
Who gave it to you?
You can't be angry with her, she only--
- Who? - Stella.
A 6-year-old didn't smash my front door open.
Or carry that.
Where do you think you're going?
I didn't do anything.
Then why the fuck are you scarpering then, eh?
You stole from me?
From your friends.
Billy.
That's the lowest, most despicable, Break his arm.
Billy made me.
Why would my own husband steal from me?
Tell him, Billy.
He's insulted you, he's insulted me.
Tell him.
You wouldn't.
I know you wouldn't.
Babe.
Babe?
Just stop.
Why?
Because when you think of the great men in history,
like Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Roy Keane.
What the fuck you on about?
They stood for something.
They did things.
That's why I became a salesman.
Well, a cook.
Is anything you told me true?
I love you.
I believed in you, Billy, you fucking idiot.
I know, babe.
I'm sorry.
Even now I knew I shouldn't.
You, a salesmen?
You?
i Just wanted to show you, the way you
looked at me when you thought--
it felt good.
Like I might be a man.
Anytime you want to be a man, Billy,
you know what you have to do?
Don't play at it.
Just be one.
If it isn't the littlest Supreme.
This an encore performance?
What do you know about living with bipolar?
Then I guess, Dad went inside, she just lost the plot,
you know?
And then that's when she went off her meds
and the drinking really started.
I think when she started sleeping
with Frank for comfort.
Oh, Allah, be merciful.
Yeah.
Rock bottom.
She never, ever had done it if she
hadn't been completely off her tree, so can you forgive her?
So got my things back?
Most of them.
Can't even fucking do that right.
Didn't have to bother with the juicer.
It never worked.
It does now.
I fixed it.
I'm going to pay the rest pay in installments.
I think we should live apart for a while.
I need space.
This is the life, isn't it?
Night in with the lads?
A few beers, a few laughs.
[fart]
I bet she expects me to come crawling back.
Slithering on my belly.
Begging for forgiveness.
Never apologize.
Never explain.
Words to live by.
I tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen.
So try again.
Women love persistence.
Calling your right hand Sue doesn't make you
an expert on feminine nature.
I'm a master of my own destiny at last.
Answering to no one.
This is my opportunity to grow.
[knocking] - Wonderful.
Now, fuck off, and grow somewhere quietly.
I've got company.
Ah, we meet again, my Pussy Galores.
Ready to shake and stir your cocktini.
It's none of my business, but are you OK?
None of your business.
You don't ever hear a woman say that, do ya?
I fucked up, but it's all your fault because I
didn't feel woman enough.
Bollocks.
What use is sorry anyway?
Nothing ever gets wiped clean.
Then, they disappear before you can leave them first.
Am I meant to apologize for being a strong woman?
Well, he can shove his sorries up his good for nothing ass.
Fuck him. - Fuck him.
[laughing]
On the house.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
It's not?
Thalia, don't be angry with her.
The way she's holding up, she's a little trooper.
Now, she's told us what you've been through.
We are all 100% behind you.
I'll get a drink.
If you've got a psychiatric disorder,
people are falling over themselves being understanding.
But did you have to say I was bipolar?
You can't always lie your way out of trouble, you know?
I know, but I felt so sorry for you.
And you should have seen their faces when
I said you were shagging Frank.
Billy said I should return.
Actually, it was more my idea, but--
Celery and kiwi.
I've got into juicing.
I'm sorry about, you know.
The piss in the hallway was only meant for it to be realistic.
There was no bad feelings behind it.
Look, I'm completely on your side.
I mean, you're better off without that dumb prick.
I told Billy from the beginning, Mimi is not
going to be impressed by sales.
So the only reason he went for that job
was to try and impress me?
And then the thick twat got himself
in deeper by renting a car.
Of course, he couldn't afford it on his cook salary.
He really is a cook?
So the only solution he's got is to rob from his own house.
Table number six says compliments to the chef.
It was only beans on toast.
Well, how did you do the beans?
In the microwave.
It must have been the way you spooned them.
Yes, love?
Coffee?
You look cute as a chef.
I like it better than the suit.
If you'll let me explain, I know I'm just a cook,
but I'm good at it.
And it means a lot to me to be good at something.
And if you just listen--
Billy, shut up.
Do you know why I need you?
Because you're only thing in my life that makes
me feel like a woman.
Not a mum or an old carcass to be tossed on the scrapheap.
You make me feel beautiful.
You don't ever have to lie to me, because when I look at you,
I don't see nothing, I see the person who
saved me and keeps saving me.
That doesn't mean that what you did wasn't stupid.
But you don't see many men putting in that kind of effort
to impress a woman, do you?
Do you know what this is?
What?
This is what it feels like when you've made it.
Lucia, this is my wife.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
The guys, Jeff, Tom.
BILLY (VOICEOVER): Growing up, I guess
it's about making your own way.
Knowing what you've got, and what you need.
Saying you're wrong when you'd rather say nothing at all.
Or maybe the secret to growing up
is knowing when it's OK to let someone else look after you.
Those two versions of yourself, who you are,
and who you'd like to be, I guess
you're successful when they come a little closer together.
When you can look at yourself and say, I know who I am,
and it's OK.
I'm OK.
[theme music]
Billy's really matured now, you know?