Look at me, right?
And look at the queen.
I was never a fan until it occurred to me how
much me and Mom have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent,
but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we stuck to our guns.
her literally sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger.
No.
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine,
you still got all your dickheads in the middle
to deal with, snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looked at me,
and thinking, what's your secret, Frank?
I got shot of my kids yonks back,
but she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine.
I've had to get out a bit on occasion
to make ends meet, whereas she, she's done
the whole thing from a chair.
Drink for the lady.
Oh sure, there's perks, but look at her lot.
Brain May prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
Define love.
That's what old big ears said on TV.
Not Noddy's mate, the future king of England.
It's a first warning shot across 18-year-old [inaudible],,
the all might not be perfect in her princess fairytale.
If only she bailed there and then, eh?
It's a tricky concept though, love.
I've always been a bit of a romantic, you know?
Got a dreamy vision of a perfect partnership.
A love that can't be kept quiet.
True love surely proclaims itself.
Who you gonna be?
Hannibal Lecter?
Real, for fuck's sake.
Ronnie Biggs?
That's too tame.
Uh, Reggie Kray?
Maybe Jack the Ripper can beast my ringpiece today?
Shane!
Shane?
Shane.
Salmonella Sam will not move to that corner plot.
Fat bastard.
Does he know who you are?
He will do, when he's force-fed his own burgers.
Give us five.
Hurry up.
Helium's leaked from someone's balloon.
Yeah. shagging like a serial killer often ruins the moment.
You leave me no option.
Eeny meeny miney mo.
Hey, your girlfriend's outside.
She's a mate.
Oh, I wouldn't have you down as nervous with the ladies.
Little stud muffin, our Ches.
Bangs plenty of birds.
We're not even compatible.
Oh, compatible.
What?
She's not blond and stupid?
And I'm not a lanky brainbox.
Hey, one stop shop is only a good plan
if they ever get served.
For your strength.
What's that you keep necking?
There are certain questions you should never ask a lady.
Don't worry.
I'll treat you to that.
Oh, thanks.
4 pound.
Are you going to Shane's festival?
I'll be selling scran on a stall.
Are you?
It depends.
Letitia and Aidan are.
I was--
What?
Check the sell by.
It was the last day.
One day over.
A refund won't clear up the thrush it's given me.
How's my cider--
Mom.
We were low anyway.
You coming?
Mary Mae?
The festival gives him something to look forward to.
Money well spent if it takes his mind off his dad for a night.
Hard to get excited when you've done the legendary gigs,
you know, Pistols, in Free Trade Hall, Spike Island, Woodstock.
Two Malibu's, Mimi.
Scouse Mouse actually smashed it at Creamfields.
I bet he did, at a hundred grand a gig.
Well, he's doing this one for his exes.
Northern lad, given a bit back.
DJ's are fucking fraudsters.
Robbing a living playing other people's records.
No wonder he wears a mask.
How many?
2,000 T's, 1,000 others.
You do realize that not every single punter
buys a souvenir, Shane.
You never know, do ya?
And what's left, we can just stick online, can't we?
An I was there event.
We sold 150 more tickets this morning.
Promote it, and they will come.
How's the stalking going?
You didn't ask him out?
I knew she wouldn't.
Mommy wouldn't approve.
I was going to actually, but--
Of course, you were.
Can't believe I'm so embarrassed by it.
I left the playground two years ago.
Hang on a sec.
How long have you known Chesney?
Almost six months.
Six months is the maximum you can stay his friend.
After that, there's no chance of you going out together.
Is that what happened to us?
You had your chance.
It's now or never.
Those magazines are full of shit.
We've got 10 keys of skunk, 2,000 E's, 500 trips.
No crack?
No, no, no.
Wrong vibe.
Three key of Charlie.
Our security won't fuck about.
Everyone searched, everything confiscated.
Plenty of signs to warn them?
They buy off us.
How much to pitch a brothel tent at this festival of yours?
As much as i back legalization,
I doubt my license will stretch that far.
So what?
You're selling drugs.
Which is a lot more discreet than a tent
full of half naked birds selling noshes for a score.
What about the police protection?
Huh?
What she going on about?
He shags his copper, green lights all the way.
Tell me she's joking.
No hookers allowed.
She's the liaison officer.
She has to be on site, don't she?
It's a condition of the license.
I'm not shagging her.
[groaning]
[sniffing]
Oh.
Breath it in, you worthless scum.
Right in.
You dirty bitch.
Again.
Tell me how it smells.
Like a--
Yeah.
Herb.
A mucky stinking pig's ass.
How dirty is it?
Fuck me, yeah, yeah, it's pretty disgusting.
Louder.
It's like a dirty, grassy slags brown shithole.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Do you ever like it like normal sex?
- What does that constitute? - I don't know.
Just regular sex.
Naked, no shouting insults, slapping.
Look, if you're after the cozy comforts
of a generic girlfriend, you might want to look elsewhere.
I don't want to look elsewhere.
Shane-a-delica's bang on track, you know?
3,000 tickets almost gone.
Listen, you, um, you know Mom and Jamie
are going to be there, yeah?
Don't worry.
i can be almost invisible.
Forgive him, Father, he knows not what he does.
You swore you called it off.
I told you, she all right.
She helped with the licensing application.
Too right she did, while they're planning a raid.
No way.
It's a festival.
She knows that means drugs.
She smokes weed.
Wise up, sunshine.
What do you think that bizzie sees in you?
You wash in a stream.
It doesn't matter if he baths in asses' milk.
Maguire.
Crime family.
You don't think that rings any alarm bells?
You think I'm having anything to do with this festival,
and laying all that gear on, while you've
got an odd lot in your feather?
You must be off your rocker.
So what you saying?
You get rid.
Right now.
I don't care what she is.
You don't get to tell me what to do anymore.
I noticed Ken the Dog and his pitbull
sniffing around the field.
I need security.
How about Mimi and Jamie?
They're out.
How come?
I told them about us.
What?
No more hiding, sneaking around.
Shane.
They thought you were undercover.
How stupid can you be?
What part of undercover wears a uniform
and drives a car with a flashing light?
Double bluff?
Fuck's sake.
I thought you'd be happy?
Well, we can be normal now.
Obviously, keep it on the low from your side of things, but--
What the fuck is it with you and normal?
Normal sex, normal girlfriend, Jesus.
Fucking hanging.
She makes my skin crawl.
She's really pretty though.
That's garnish.
The only way I'd serve a plod is by slapping it
at the same time.
Maybe he pretends she's a strip-o-gram?
Or that.
He must be smitten though.
What a bell end.
What?
A mother's sixth sense kicks in around boy trouble.
Someone from college, I hope?
As if.
I'm here to talk whenever you're ready.
Some sensitive soul, no doubt?
From your English class?
And what's wrong with Chesney?
Some out-of-date cider didn't agree with her.
And she's convinced that every Asian shopkeeper launders
money from smuggling heroin.
Sneaky ways to get in his head and turn him on?
They're full of shit.
It's interesting.
When a man is scared, testosterone and adrenalin
increase.
It's the same as arousal if a woman's
there when's he's frightened.
He puts the hormone increase down to her.
He fancies her.
So there you go.
Just be there when he shits himself.
"Crime and Punishment," one of the greatest
novels of all time.
Notes are at the back.
A shortcut to pretend you've got a clue about literature.
Looks like someone could use a hand?
Feel free if you know what you're doing.
I'm next.
Do you pay?
On principle.
Yo, yo, yo.
Staff only back here.
Consider it part of my trial run.
And who says we need an assistant?
If you keep going missing, they can't serve themselves.
Probationary period only.
And this, out of bounds.
Thanks for sticking with us.
Beer's legal.
It's going to be mental.
Everyone needs a drink.
No point in cutting your nose off just to spite your face.
Their loss.
[knocking]
Who'd rob this dump?
Not the best of signs.
Not everyone's as hard as our Stella.
Chesney will shit himself.
Grip you there and then on the shop floor.
Get on the floor.
Fucking do it.
Well, no one better get hurt.
Assault with a deadly accent.
This stops you getting hurt.
May the force be with you.
I thought the Dog was lifed-up for killing that plain one.
New evidence came to light.
Bet his security don't come cheap?
Well, you get him for free if they
do the drug dealing as well.
That's a liberty.
I thought that was your biggest earner?
Well, thanks to your dearests, what choice did I have?
No security, no festival.
Why is that out of bounds?
It's Remona's lab.
What does she need a lab for?
For when she has to concentrate.
I'm off to pray.
Ches?
Like these words aren't long enough.
What?
We just prepare doses of ready-made pills, creams.
So?
You don't need any of this.
I got a chemistry set one Christmas.
It was a hobby.
Hobbies like this will get you banged up.
She's at it, Ches.
If this gets found on your premises,
criminal asset's will take the shop.
Think about it, Chesney.
Patreesha's at the Jockey.
Would you mind if I wear the coat?
I don't know if it will work on Ches,
but I'm getting a hard on.
Right.
Just scare him, right?
I'm nervous.
Get in there. What?
Glad I pulled out of money-lending.
You know, old women getting whacked.
I did "Crime and Punishment' for A-level.
You never said if you were going to the festival.
I think so.
Leticia got VIP passes, so--
Great.
I'll buy you a drink?
What about the stall?
I'll get Remona or Avril to cover me.
Is this your way of asking me out?
Might be.
Are you OK?
Don't fucking move.
Stop.
Shut the fuck up, bitch.
What do you think you're doing?
No, no, it's OK.
- Fucking shut it. - I mean it.
Mary Mae, just chill.
Get on the floor.
Now.
Fucking do it.
I'm not getting on the--
Stay down.
It's OK.
I'll get you the money.
Hey, hey, stay back.
The money, I'm on it.
Stay calm.
Everyone just chill.
Yeah?
That's everything.
That's from my dad.
He wouldn't want it to cause you any danger.
I'm insured, it's OK.
It's all there.
Just go.
Now what?
Take it.
Hey, hey.
What do you think you're doing?
It's OK.
They've gone.
I've got ya.
I'm sorry if I've put it on you.
I just didn't want my mom fucking it up for us.
Did it for me, didn't you?
It's my lunch break.
Then it's my turn to do something for you.
No, no props.
Serial killers?
No physical abuse.
Nice and steady.
Normal.
I guess a little tweak if it helps you.
OK.
Oh, yeah.
Shit.
Get fucked.
What is wrong with you?
Just forget it.
It was a bad idea.
No, it was a fucking great idea
until your right hook got busy.
No. I said leave it.
At least sniffing your ass won't leave a bruise, huh?
Fuck off, knobhead.
Come on, it was a joke.
Bad fucking taste.
Don't blame me for this.
Doing shit I don't want to do.
Oh, really, because, you know, I
love a flash of Fred West's kipper
when I'm on the money shot, me.
Absolutely love it.
What is wrong with you?
You had to fuck about.
What?
What did I do?
Us.
It was all right until you messed
it up with your normal shit.
I can't do this anymore.
Who'd have thought?
The Biggest gig of your life just a day away.
Most be serious shit.
Six years with a psycho brass, now another mad bitch.
What does that say about me?
I look to the mother.
I can't stop fucking craving her.
I'm like some baghead.
Isn't that a good thing?
No, not when it makes you feel worse after.
Dirty.
Worthless.
Because she's a copper?
I can live with that.
It's the shit that she says to me.
Does to me.
All the fucking filthy twisted shit.
Scrapes away my self respect.
That doesn't sound healthy.
She knows the lengths you went to.
Splitting up your family.
I guess some people you'll never make happy.
You're better off out of it.
I'm not even arsed about the readies.
There was a locket for her dad, and a watch from mine.
They were using these toy thingies
to disguise their voices.
They didn't go in there, mate.
An armed gang's targeting shops across east Manchester.
but this doesn't sound professional enough.
Probably a couple of desperadoes.
Crackheads.
As ever.
I wouldn't hold out too much hope on the jewelry.
I'll be touch.
See you later.
I can't believe he actually fucking shit himself.
You had that gun in his face.
What the fuck was that?
It was good, wasn't it?
He proper shit himself.
Guns?
Yeah, that was my idea.
Then you're an idiot.
Well, we had to make it look real to get him in the mood.
Yeah, and you had to take all his money too.
Well, how was we meant to know he'd be such a loser?
Oh, just take it, please.
Take everything.
Only to protect me.
Well, where is it?
You'll have to give it all back.
Tell me you haven't--
Well, give me your share at least.
You let her spend it on those, and Chesney's a loser?
Well, I've got this.
All right, he's getting that back.
Slow down.
Let me get my dabs off first.
Where you gonna say you got it?
We're going for a drink tonight--
So it worked.
He asked me out before you two came in and fucked it all up.
Oh.
So you're going out tonight for a drink,
and you're going to tell him what?
The truth.
You can't do that.
It was your idea as well.
We're all in this together.
We were in this together until you came in, started waving
guns about, nearly gave Chesney a heart attack,
and then spent all this money on fucking trainers.
I'm telling him tonight.
Fuck.
Who the fuck wants karaoke anyway when
you got all these DJs playing.
All the best festivals mix it up.
Different stages, tents.
Are they even going to be able to hear it?
Stop rabbiting.
It Ow.
Canine Ken.
That slag you're shagging didn't look too happy.
Was shagging.
Not that it's fuck all to do with you.
Don't get fucking smart.
You're supposed to have immunity.
Police protection.
You've got it yourself.
You'll smash it.
I need better odds before my boys enter the fray.
And I need security.
Good luck finding some other nugget
to send his men over the top.
You're going to do your bollocks on this.
Fuck.
Ken.
Hey.
Ken.
Fuck.
If you're up to no good, I want a piece.
Somebody's jumping to conclusions.
One of us knows what this is.
Oh, go on then.
Mixing that with that gives the base
mix for 4-methylmethcathinone.
MCAT?
Meow, Meow, on the street.
Come on.
Those police came in here, he'd lose the shop.
It's 5-methylmethcathinone oxide.
Which is?
All for me, and only me.
Shifting four molecules creates an even mellower
high that's perfectly legal.
Well, I'll buy all you've got after today.
No chance.
The government makes something else illegal, it's my move.
Stay one step ahead.
No dealing, no murky nether world, just my own supply.
I hope you come in peace?
Thanks.
Not on duty.
Can't we get a replacement officer?
Well, you're not content with scaring the security off,
you fucked with his head as well.
Jeopardized everything.
One minute I'm being shoved under the covers,
now your his agony aunt.
Shane's a very private man.
Divulging his pain is just a measure
of how much you mean to him.
You make it sound like there's a simple solution.
There is.
You take your aromatic asshole, and get out of his life.
Like you've any idea.
Any idea what he's put on the line for you?
A Maguire.
The gangster, macho, bullshit world
he's from shaggy a copper.
That gets even less respect than growing a handlebar mustache
and sucking off random cocks for a tenner on Canal Street.
My favorite sister-in-law, fancy joining me?
The inmates are getting restless.
Billie's had to take a petrol can off one of them.
Thought he was going to burn the stage.
There's a mutiny brewing.
They'll all get refunds.
Come on, Shane, you get a grip.
No security, Kaz, no festival.
The police will shut us down.
So you haven't sorted it?
Ken the Dog put the word out and naused
the whole of Manchester.
Leeds?
London?
Come on, he can't be that influential.
Maybe, if there was more time.
Right.
Come on.
I want to show you something.
Read Breathe it in.
That's what she says with my nose stuck right up her arse.
Oh, dirty bitch.
That's what I say.
Enough.
Look how far it stretches.
Fatboy Slim started somewhere.
All those man hours, all the commerce, all the wages
that are being earned.
Not to mention the buzz that's on Chatsworth.
All down to you.
I appreciate the vision, but we're fucked regardless.
It all ends here.
Do you Stand by your copper?
All day.
Convinced there's no double cross sting operation?
She won't do that.
Come on.
Oh.
Sorry.
Getting more like a scared rabbit as the night wears on.
Could be delayed shock.
No.
I was OK before.
Now I can't stop thinking about it.
Yeah.
It's a big deal though, like post-traumatic stress disorder.
I get dead worried now when she's late.
She's got to leave that sick bastard.
Lays one more finger on her, I swear I'll--
She's here.
Driver on the 105 got carted off by the police.
Micro camera on the step sending pantie picks
of schoolgirls and grannies to his smart phone.
Present off Biddy for understanding
all that he's going through.
He's going through?
20 years of that [inaudible] teams to be
binned like an old flight.
Engraved.
You ever get anything that spontaneous off your Kev?
Not apart from a dose.
Drink?
Yeah.
For fuck sake. This is hard work.
I know we said meal, but I might need a bit of quiet.
Not that I'm pushing or anything.
Oh, no, that would be lovely, because there's
something I need to tell you.
Couple more of these should sort out my Parkinson's.
Cheers.
Listen, I really need to tell you--
Hello.
What?
Woof Woof.
What does that do?
Remona wolves it down, so it can't be that strong.
Says it takes the edge off.
Cheers.
Hey, Squirrel Nutkin must be bored in his woodland glade.
However many security that buys me.
Where's Ken the Dog?
Doesn't matter.
Who's doing the drugs.
Nobody.
It'll be a free for all.
As long as I've got security to cover
the main gates and crowd control, it doesn't matter.
No drug sales, you lose out money, mate.
Is your bird going to be there?
That's over.
Sense at last?
But she'll be on site.
You trust her?
Well, you fucking better.
What's the problem?
Only if we get to keep the lot.
No problem.
You need Me earn some sort of drink for the amount of effort
you've put in.
What I need is security.
You've got them.
Drink?
I'll refrain from offering a cup of tea
until you explain the dress code.
I'm really sorry.
What were you doing?
I can't really remember.
Sorry.
I said, they were mine.
Did you shag him?
Did you tell him?
Whoa, whoa.
I didn't-- no and yes.
I think I did.
Shit.
Nice one.
No wonder he didn't shag you.
Oh, we were proper fucked.
I can't really remember much.
So you might not have told him?
Well, you still got the watch?
Fuck sake.
What did he say this morning?
Is he going to call the police?
I didn't see him this morning.
[cellphone dinging]
A text from Mom, you're dead.
He's told her.
Great.
Let's go.
He's probably going to hate me.
[ringing]
She's ringing.
Well, come on.
- Avril - Pick up.
Please, Avril.
Wait till I get my hands on her.
Don't make it worse.
She could have got herself shot.
They were toy guns.
The police, mistakes, it happens all the time.
She knows I'm a liar, thinks I'm stupid,
don't make me a grass as well.
Sorry, Ches.
Shane warned you.
I'm here for the music.
He can't take the risk.
I want a refund.
Do one, Lillian.
Oh, shit, another text from Mom.
You can't hide forever.
Well, at least he hasn't told the police. got to admit,
it was easy.
It's not really a viable career path though.
Just go and talk to him.
At least we'd know where we stand.
I'm too embarrassed to think about it.
What time is Scouse Mouse on?
At last.
Bonnie and Snide.
Had a productive day?
What you doing back here?
It's the party of the century.
Get involved.
You want a pill? - No.
You're all right.
You're messing with my mojo.
I fucked things up.
With the boy.
Who?
Chesney.
Fuck off.
You're well too fit for him.
What could you do to put him off?
I got Leticia and Aidan to rob his shop with guns.
So?
He'll forgive you.
Men are easy.
Shane's been shagging a fucking pig.
All you've done is armed robbery.
You'll be sweet.
Cheers, nice one.
A couple of volunteers.
I could do with it.
Here, and at shop, until they pay every penny off.
Mary Mae not coming?
Still in the karaoke.
- I'll go get her. - Oh, no, no.
It's OK.
She's still mad for you.
(SINGING) On the day that you were born,
the angels got together and decided
to create a dream come true.
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair--
I'm sorry.
(SINGING) And I get get sick when I'm around,
I can't stand to be around, I hate everything about you.
Everything about you.
What time is Scouse Mouse on?
Not long.
Are we getting it?
We're doing good.
I tell you what, this gaff's run sweet as a nut tonight.
Whoa, whoa.
Feds, 3 o'clock.
I told you to stay offside.
Doing good.
Well done.
Appreciate it.
I knew you would.
Haven't you got a job to do?
It's all going well.
Everyone happy, everything self-contained.
Discretion applied and a blind eye
turned regarding certain expected festival behavior.
Sorry.
Me too.
Don't be scared.
I can't help it.
Trust me.
How did you know?
Know what?
That it would be that good?
I wish I could claim the credit.
So honest and pure.
Thank you.
SHANE (VOICEOVER): If it's right,
love, you nurture each other's hopes
and encourage one another's ambitions.
You're always there to pick up your true love
when he or she stumbles.
The vast majority fall short of those youthful dreams,
and we won't get to play for United or win the Oscar,
have a number one song, but that's all right.
Because dreams shift and fade.
Our happiness is defined in more wholesome ways.
Master of all he surveys?
Thanks to you.
Do you reckon Jamie would sniff my ass?
Be a fool not to.
Glastonbury, watch out.
SHANE (VOICEOVER): It's built around family
and old friends and loyalty.
And if we're lucky, that true love stays by our side,
becomes our ballast, and the roots
of our shared histories intertwine
and grow stronger by the day.
SHANE'S OFFICER: Hi.
Um, it's me, just wanted to say thanks for last night.
I just wanted to say, I've been thinking I can't tell
you how much you mean to me.
Did I thank you for last night?
I can;t wait to be with you.
I've never felt this way about anyone before.
Hi, big boy, it's me, just wondering--
I really need to speak to you actually.
Oh my God, I'm going crazy.
I miss you so much.
A little tickle, that would be nice.
Bye.
Mwah.
I've decided that this is our song.
I'm gonna turn it up.
[theme music]
Mate, bring the Bentley.
Get me out of this fucking shithole.
Would you sign my tits Mr. Mouse?
Is that you, Robbie?