[music playing]
Look at me, right, and look at the queen.
I was never a fan, until it occurred to me how much
me and ma'am have in common--
bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent,
but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we stuck to our guns--
her literally sometimes-- and flagshipped a dying breed,
admired and despised equally, not
for never lifting a finger, no, for setting
examples through extremity.
And whether you're a big wig on her end or a big wig on mine,
you've still got all your dickheads
in the middle to deal with, snip, snip,
snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking,
what's your secret, Frank?
I got shot of my kids' yonks back, whereas she's yet to see
the back of a single one.
Fine, I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet,
whereas she-- she's done the whole thing from a chair.
And a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure, there's perks.
But look at her lot--
Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
CHES: See, our old head was never
one for motivational speeches.
The year I left school, he got us all in assembly
and said, well, kids, if I could give you one piece of advice,
it would be this.
Lower your expectations.
Should have lowered his expectations,
maybe then he wouldn't have tried it on with Clara
Bremmer in the low sixth.
Dreams can come true.
Look at me.
When I was 10, all I wanted to do was see the world.
And now check me.
I've got me own wheels, state of the art sat nav.
And every other month, I do a fag run down the Chunnel.
Then by the time I was 13, I wanted
to be an action hero, shooting guns, battling bad guys.
Oi.
CHES: And now that's just an average
fucking Saturday afternoon.
And, of course, by 15, I wanted one thing and one thing only--
sex, a lot of it.
And how did that turn out?
Well, I reckon my rep speaks for itself, even
ended up fingering Clara Bremmer day after that stupid assembly.
And unlike Mr. Wainwright, I didn't lose my job over it.
Yeah, keep them expectations sky high, kids,
and one day all this could be yours.
$1.85.
Oh, that's great, that is, Chess.
You ever heard of service with a smile?
Thanks, Lillian.
Have a nice day.
[laughter]
Oh, cheer up, you miserable git.
If I was you, I'd never stop smiling--
running me own business at your age, even if it is a bit--
A bit what?
Corner shoppy.
If it was mine, I'd, uh, probably brighten things up,
make it the sort of place customers want to hang out in,
you know?
Well, it's not yours, is it?
And if it's such a shit hole, how come you're
always hanging out here, hmm?
Yeah, whoa.
Ches, what's going on, man?
Oh, fucking motor's gone.
These are free now, mate.
Come on, dickhead.
Rough day?
Could say that, staff cut backs.
They've let me go.
Shit, I'm sorry.
It's not that I'm worried about.
It's telling our Patreesha.
Oh, she'll be OK about it, won't she?
She'll be sympathetic.
Oh.
Very sympathetic.
[cheering]
Hey, all right, all right.
Drink it in, ladies.
Fuck me, which one's Mr. Pink?
Is called class, Frank.
Some of us are born with it, and some of us
get a slap around the face for being a cheeky prick.
Big pro-footballer's birthday bash, all VIP, of course.
But if you're a close friend of, uh, Joe Hart--
Whit whoo, what do you reckon, Karen?
Scrub up all right, these lot, don't they?
Don't they just?
Can I have this dance?
Of course.
Did you sort the car?
Yeah, it's parked out front.
The only way to make an entrance, Frank.
Well, I hate to break it to you, what with me been
nothing but an unhosed proletariat and all,
but isn't today the 14th?
You what?
The party was yesterday, you dick.
Oh, fuck nuts.
See, you can't buy class like that.
Didn't you look at them?
Calm down.
Hey, sit back.
It's just a new opportunity.
We have a free evening, five-star hotel
on wheels parked out in front.
And none of us has to drive.
Well, if you need someone to make up the numbers--
Sorry, Frank, strict dress code.
[laughter]
[jingling]
REMONA: Be with you in a second.
Shh.
REMONA: Off you go.
Earning their, uh, chemical warfare badges?
Got them in a military antique store, used them as first prize
in the clubhouse raffle.
Pissed on that junior cricket set their headmaster donated.
Right, what can I do for you?
Says you're flogging your shop.
How much for that chiller cabinet?
Well, it's difficult to say.
Make me an offer.
I've got $300 on me.
It's $305. Sorry.
What?
Well, can't you--
Oh, I'm joking.
God, you're a bit of a serious one, aren't you?
Lighten up a bit. - Look.
Do you think I want to spend my evening
here, haggling over a fridge?
Are you selling it or not?
Well, I might consider it, if you go outside,
come back in again, and ask me nicely.
(DISTORTEDLY) Ask me nicely.
[jingling]
Excuse me.
May I buy your chiller cabinet, please?
Oh, you poor thing.
I'll be fine.
Something will come up.
Unemployed, at your age.
Ta.
What are you gonna do about it, Mum?
Well, your mother is a very determined woman.
There's plenty of work out there if you're prepared to lower
your standards a little.
Maybe I'll try becoming a lady of leisure for a bit, like you.
I'm hardly a lady of leisure.
I'm on the board of directors for mine
and Bernard's business empire, remember?
Oh, you mean the car wash.
Since when did you have anything to do with that?
I oversee it all from a distance.
Yeah, on the sofa, watching Jeremy Kyle.
I could get you a job there.
I don't want to work in a car wash.
I'll have a word tomorrow, see if I
can sort you something out.
I don't know what you'd do without me, sometimes.
REMONA: Right, here we are.
Better keep the VAT man happy.
Democracy isn't free, you know.
How come you're selling up?
I just work here.
It's the owner that's selling it.
Him and his partner are opening up some place in Ibiza.
Oh, can't say I'll miss it.
I was getting too comfy here, anyway, itchy feet.
I know the feeling.
Oh, please, if I had your sense,
running my own business at 19, I'd have
owned half the world by now.
(DISTORTEDLY) You should tuck your shirt in.
[chatter]
[music playing]
I'm telling you, Cool Britannia, we had it all then.
You know what fucked it all up? - Tony Blair?
Things can only get better?
No, no, no, no, it was never about the government,
Tory, Labour, right?
One man killed it for us all, 26th of June, 1996.
Gareth fucking Southgate.
Gareth Southgate, because we believed, you see.
But then some long-faced gimp kicks left instead of right.
And, bang, whoosh, the greatest single decade
in British history is over.
But that was 17 years ago.
Fuck.
Right, if you could go back to '96, '97, whatever,
talk to yourself, do things different,
what would you change?
I spent all of my late teens chasing Sarah Laymon.
Remember her?
I ended up being best man at her civil partnership.
Wasted years, yeah, most of mine
were surrounded by four gray walls
and a fucking slop bucket.
But you make the best.
You pull yourself up again.
You'll never get them back, and you'll always wonder.
What about you?
No, nothing.
Come on.
Everyone wants to change something.
No, no, no, no, not me, I've been around, seen the world,
found my soulmate, and got the perfect kids to show for it.
Wouldn't change a thing.
[knocking]
I'll sort it.
No, no, no, I rented it.
I'll handle it.
Let me have a word.
Kassi Blanco, disappointed, Blanco--
money laundering, fraud by misrepresentation,
and then you hire this in your own name.
Call Esther.
Refused bail, and they won't let us see him.
I'll sort this, Esther.
We'll sort this.
Oh, you know Kassi, par for the course.
I'd better get back, whole load of food to prep.
Properly behind sched now.
I couldn't beg a hand off you, could I?
Big order for Tuesday.
Yeah.
Oh, there you are.
The boys have got it all cleaned up for you.
Perks of Arkaladom, I can see how fascism starts.
And what are you giving them for their trouble
today, land mines?
Any one of those boys would walk through a hail
of gunfire for me.
I shan't ask them to, though.
Some parent would have a shitfit.
Right, shall we get this in your van, then?
Sweet.
So, uh, this cabinet you're buying,
it's part of some refurbishment you're doing then?
No, I just needed a new one.
(DISTORTEDLY) Big refurbishment.
Well, I mean, I've been thinking lately
I could probably do a lot more with the place.
Thinking, eh?
Anyone can think, Chesney.
I can think.
(DISTORTEDLY) Don't you ever want to just do it?
Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, what if I wanted more than just the chiller cabinet?
Well, it's all up for grabs, Ches.
What are you after?
All of it.
Tam?
He's gone out.
God knows what they'll be up to.
Last time he was on babysitting duties,
he got our Saul's face painted, full on, black and white
minstrel.
Claims he thought it was a panda, but I reckon he knew.
Couldn't get it off for days.
I had to take him for his jabs like that.
Dr. Abonzo really didn't see the funny side.
So what are you gonna tell them, the kids?
About what?
Kassi.
No point in fretting 'em.
I'll say he's on business for a few days.
He'll be back by the end of the week.
He's been refused bail.
Well, he would be.
He's skipped on it before.
I appreciate the concern, but it's nothing to worry about,
honestly. Start stirring this, clockwise.
Do you want to help?
No, I don't.
It's because I'll be your boss, isn't it?
That's what all the pissing and moaning is about.
No, it's because I don't want to work in a car wash.
Have you ever heard the expression,
beggars can't be choosers?
Have you ever heard the expression, fuck off?
Only looking out for you, just like I always have,
and by the way, it's not a car wash.
It's the car wash, South Manchester's finest.
We take three times what all the others make around here.
This place?
How?
Because I'm in charge, naturally.
Have you ever actually been inside?
No, exciting, isn't it?
It's like Mary Portas marching into Harvey Nicks.
Yeah, that's Exactly what it's like.
- Yep, it's a shithole. - It won't be.
I'll take everything from yours, all your olde worlde shit.
Mod meets classic, local shop and chemist's.
Well, you just might own all the world by the time
you're 40 after all.
Aren't you clever?
Mind you, if you're going to open a chemist's, you're
going to need someone with a pharmacist practitioner
license, aren't you?
(DISTORTEDLY) You need me.
You want to work for me?
Do I fuck?
I want to work with you, partners,
just to get you started, anyway.
Wouldn't want to hang around too long.
I've still got plans of my own.
But until then, Ches, let's face it.
You need me.
[honking]
Uh, who-- who was that?
Oh, Remona, she's amazing.
We're going into business together.
Chesco's getting an upgrade.
You never said anything about this before.
You just got me thinking.
You know, I'm 21, doing all right.
I should want a bit more out of life.
That's exactly what I said, isn't it?
Maybe she just phrased it better.
I'll bet.
Knowing Ches, she phrased it better with a cleavage
you can park a Harley in.
Fuck off.
I don't fancy her.
Yeah, sounds like it.
Whatever.
Patreesha, Patreesha Saint Rose?
So, uh, do you want a car doing, then?
All right, where's the manager?
MAN (ON RADIO): Mr. Black Mercedes is in again.
[honking]
Manager?
There you go, love.
Can't say I'm surprised.
Could see you was a wrong-un from the off.
Nature versus nurture, never had your upbringing, see?
You do realize that all three of us
have been in prison at least once?
Yeah, but for proper fucking stuff,
not signing forms in the wrong name or whatever.
Anyway, these days, we're respectable.
How's your magic mushroom business going, Mum?
Really good, son.
Oh, good.
[laughter]
Unexpected item in the bagging area.
Lovely.
Oh, there she is.
Hey, I missed me alarm call this morning.
What alarm call?
Well, you and lover boy's morning delight,
headboard shaking us out of bed.
Oh, soz, Frank.
He's away all week.
I'll try and rattle it for you on my own.
That's the spirit.
Uh--
Last time.
Did she say anything?
She said loads of stuff.
Like?
Like dough rises fastest at 80-degree temperatures.
That's true.
Well, it is.
Her husband's looking at 10 years,
and she's running cooking classes
and pissing about with Gallagher.
I just don't get the woman.
She'll do anything you like.
She's not proud, my sister.
You can get her scrubbing the toilets if you want.
I'm not hiring anyone until I've spoken
with you're, uh, husband.
Well?
You know what he said?
You can have a job, but you'd be scrubbing the toilets.
I told him, no sister of mine will be doing any such thing.
Right.
Can we go home now then?
I'm missing Jeremy Kyle.
Jeremy Kyle finished two hours ago.
Oh, shut up.
[chuckling]
It's a drive-through suck shop.
I'm going to work in there like Mary
Portas, more like Heidi Fleis.
But it won't be funny for them,
not when I call the police on their nasty, little operation.
MARY MAE: Uh, speak to Dad first, please.
Both of your names are on that place.
I'm scared you might get into trouble.
Look at that.
They're here, too.
You used to love the gays.
I'm going home, getting one of my heads.
Uh, go easy on her, yeah?
They found his body under a pub
somewhere in Leicestershire.
Hey, Karen, thanks for helping us out today.
Couldn't twist your arm tomorrow, could I?
Yeah, I mean, I figured that you'd want to go and see
Kassi tomorrow.
Oh, no, he's probably glad of a few days' peace.
I know I would be.
Raising three kids, you take it where you get it.
Am I right, Frank?
Preaching to the choir, sister.
[laughter]
Right, Jamie?
You You know, we were having a chat
the other night, me and Kas, about what you'd change
in your life if you could.
He said he'd change nothing.
He said his life was perfect.
He said that, perfect?
So what?
This was all he wanted, was it? Put on the brakes.
That's good enough, thank you.
Let's just stop here.
She said I could have another.
Here you go, Frank.
Not that, a fresh one, you know.
CHESNEY: Boyfriend?
Business acquaintance, I prefer my men a bit more, um--
well, yeah, something like that.
Oh, don't worry about it, Chesney.
It happens to all men now and again.
Go.
Do your measuring.
Oh, I'm only messing about, you clot.
I'll fetch the contract.
Whoa, contract?
Yeah, I drew one up for us.
Look, Remona.
[ominous music]
Don't use that, you idiot.
Use the screwdriver.
[door closing]
Just there, hon.
I don't have a pen.
Be prepared.
(DISTORTEDLY) Just there, hon.
[rumbling]
[whooshing]
Fuck me.
Friend of yours?
I want a refund.
It doesn't work.
And it tastes funny.
No, but I thought that--
so you'll speak to our solicitors and handle it all?
OK, love you, too.
Bye.
What are you doing?
I wanted to say hello.
Sorry, signal drop.
Was that before or after you said bye?
After.
But anyway, Bernard's going to take care of everything.
So all we have to do is put the whole stupid thing out
of our minds.
Oh, so he's going to sort it, get rid of them all.
Does that mean I can get a job there now?
What do you want to work in a car wash for?
Have a bit of pride in yourself for once.
"Our own house, one we actually own, preferably a long
way from this ass-end cesspit."
No offense. - None taken.
[knocking]
BOTH: Come in.
Oh, you're just in time.
You'll like this.
I made a list.
I helped.
Frank Helped things I want for me and Kass.
He says we're perfect. He's forgotten.
That's all.
There's so much more perfect we still need to be.
Read out number six.
I did number six.
I didn't write that one down, Frank.
Oh.
Well, I'm going to see Kassi.
I thought you might want a lift.
Gonna finish my list first.
Oh, Karen, don't worry about helping us box that baklava.
Going to do it tonight now.
He needs a brief.
Have you spoken to anyone, given any thought
to doing anything to help?
Kassi always deals with that sort of stuff.
Kass can't sort it.
He's in a fucking police cell.
I know where he is, Jamie.
You've got a funny way of showing it.
- All right, Jamie. - No, it's not all right.
If it was me in there, would you be sat around the house,
baking fucking cakes?
Baklava.
I just don't get you.
No, you don't, because if you did,
you wouldn't come marching in here,
trying to tell me how I'm supposed
to act over my husband.
He's just worried, Esther.
Why didn't you put down number six?
It was good.
Cub scouts with gas masks.
Gas masks, chemistry sets, and a great big fucking seating
plan of a commercial jet.
And who was this bloke she was with?
You should have seen him.
You couldn't look more terrorist if you tried--
beard, the works.
Do you know what you sound like?
Yeah, I do.
I was 10 when the 9/11 happened.
And I still remember the way people looked at my dad the day
after, like it was suddenly us and them.
Now I sound like a them.
But that doesn't necessarily make it bollocks.
I've got to go over later.
Come with us.
See for yourself.
Tell me if I'm being a dick.
Why me?
'Cause you're, like, the only sort
of intelligent person I know.
Yeah, all right then, I quite fancy seeing what sort of woman
can get you to sign over half your shop
by fluttering her eyelashes.
I do not fancy her.
It's just this thing she does with her mouth.
What, no, no, no, it's not like that.
OK.
I'm not getting out of this one.
Mate--
All out of karma.
Fuck.
No, no, none of that matters.
She matters.
She'll tell me that she'll be OK,
and I will say I don't doubt it.
What else can you say?
But we'll both know we're lying.
Jamie, promise me you'll take care of her.
I need a word with your mum.
Not here.
I'll come back then.
Actually, Tam, do you mind if I come in for five minutes?
No.
Bernard knew, didn't he?
He let's them use the place.
That's where all the money comes from.
What?
Oh, come off it.
It's not that big a deal.
It makes sense, actually.
You did always love your gays.
I did not.
What about your clique back in the day?
Those three lads used to follow you everywhere.
They weren't gay.
[laughter]
People called you the pink ladies.
Two of them wore more mascara--
You can't always tell, OK?
You can't always tell.
You said he were working.
ESTHER: Upstairs.
Why didn't you tell us?
Upstairs.
They needed to know.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Their uncle.
You don't know them or me.
You don't even know Kassi.
I made him a promise.
I'm going to be there for you and them.
And what if we don't want you there, Jamie?
Well, then, I guess we have a problem.
Yeah, I guess we do.
You needn't have stopped by.
I've got most of it down.
Figured we could just move it all tomorrow.
I'm just shutting up.
Oh, do either of you want a brew or anything?
No, thanks.
Tell your woman she's allowed to speak for herself.
We're very anti-oppression around here.
See?
She talks like that all the time.
With her mouth?
She's not doing that thing today.
I mean, anti-oppression, it sounds kind of terroristy,
don't it?
No, no, no, it was all here.
There was beakers, wires, and there was a picture of a plane
right there.
If it makes you feel any better,
I'm pretty certain she's not a terrorist.
Well, what's this then?
It's a flight number, right?
"MDD407," what else could it be?
Bang!
Sorry.
[laughter]
[nervous laugh]
What?
I don't--
What is it?
Well, I saw this program once.
It-- it was about how people make explosives
out of household bits.
And, well, it was literally everything in this box.
What?
We were talking, me and Kassi, about having another kid.
It's what we both wanted, what I wanted.
You're his brother.
Don't worry.
No actual penetration required.
Just lend us one of your wank rags to ring out.
I'll do the rest.
It's a joke, Jamie.
You deserved that.
They're moving him.
I'm too late to visit.
You reckon you can sort anything, don't you?
Yeah, I'll handle it.
Good.
And we'll talk about the jizz donation another time, yeah?
-
Right, Right, now-- all right, Mary Lou?
Uh, Mary Mae.
Really?
Are you sure?
You look like a Mary Lou.
Chesney, tuck your shirt in.
You're on duty.
Right, I want all the bottles from that shelf
put on the shelf above.
I want that shelf clear.
Have you done that freezer like I told you?
So it is a flight number.
Do you think we're just being stupid?
Well, I don't know, do I?
See, this is the problem.
What am I supposed to do, ring up
MI5 and say, oh, she's a Muslim, and she's got hair lacquer?
You need to talk to her.
Get her going about Muslim stuff, fundamentalism.
And what, hope she says allahu akbar, death to the West?
Don't be stupid.
Mary Mae, sorry to grab you like this.
I wouldn't normally, but I'm worried.
This is about your mum and dad.
Auntie Avril, it's fine.
I do know they're not actually together anymore.
You do?
Sure, we all do, don't we?
Hmm, why don't they just get divorced?
It would mean Mum having to give a reason, the reason.
I honestly think it would kill her if she
thought people knew the truth.
Particularly me.
Especially you.
I know.
Oh, Mary Mae, your dad's gay, right?
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Uh, so, Remona, if you hadn't come to work for me, what
were you planning on doing?
Well, I was thinking of travelling.
I still might, once we've got this place up and running.
Where, the homeland?
The what?
I'm not a fucking druid.
Oi.
Oi, what's up with you?
You've been in a right weird mood all day.
I don't know, the Middle East, North Africa, Morocco,
do my bit.
Your bit?
For the caliphate?
Ooh, the caliphate, eh?
You read the Quran, then, do you?
I had you figured more as the waiting for the DVD type.
I flipped through it.
Never down with the whole spiritual Islam stuff, though.
It takes more than aggressive pamphleting to get
people on side, doesn't it?
Don't know.
Depends how aggressively you pamphlet, I suppose.
Well, was that fundamentally?
Don't really know.
Don't you?
Well, that flight is in three hours, right?
So as long as she's here--
Right, we're off.
We'll finish up tomorrow.
Where are you going?
Scout stuff.
What scout stuff?
Well, if we told you that, we'd have to kill you.
[nervous laugh]
Come on, boys.
What are you doing?
You said we were going shopping.
Bernard's done nothing.
So you're going to march in there like Mary fucking Portas
and lay down the law, just like you said.
All right, I will then.
Did you hear me?
Please, let's just go home.
OK.
What are you doing here, Mrs. Saint Rose?
Nothing, we're going.
Let's go, Avril.
Well, I know you've spoke to him.
So we both know where we stand.
And as far as you're concerned, this place
carries on as normal.
Normal?
Some nerve, using that word.
Oh, homophobia now, because you do know who I am?
How this place got started?
How me and your Bernard used to--
[honking]
I'm so sorry, Patreesha.
Right, you listen to me.
Firstly, yeah, I know exactly who you are.
Secondly, I am not homophobic.
I just hate you.
And thirdly, I think we both know
that no matter who signs your checks, this whole enterprise
will end the second I sell my half of the lease, which I'm
not going to do, because I've just decided I suddenly
like this business after all, especially the having
your balls in the drawer part.
What do you want?
What do you want, boss?
You can head off.
I'm going to introduce myself to the new staff.
Sorry?
You heard him, Avril, how this whole thing got
started, how him and Bernard took
these poor boys from the streets and offered
them a fresh chance at life.
I think it's about time I did my bit, too.
You know me.
I've always been about taking care of others.
Yeah, that's you all over.
This This has gone too far.
Well, what are we gonna do, sit and watch her load
explosives into the back of that van, follow her to the airport?
I'm going to talk to her.
Chesney, no, you can't.
Well, she might listen to me.
Or she might strap you up in a suicide vest
and hand you your flight ticket.
I need to talk to her.
Boys, as you were.
How did you know?
I saw it all--
the chemistry kit, the blueprint of the plane.
MDD407?
Adam's flight to Ibiza?
Who's Adam, the guy with the beard?
What beard?
Adam is the owner.
I've told you that.
He's opening a bar in Ibi--
oh, hang on.
Are you trying to say I'm a fucking terrorist?
Aren't you?
Um, no, Chesney, I'm a pharmaceutical technician.
And if you saw a chemistry set, it's because I'm teaching
this lot how to make soap.
We try to fit it in between model plane making
and planning mass genocide.
And I thought you would have had more sense, Mary Lou.
Mary Mae.
Well, what are you doing, then?
Well, what does it look like?
I'm burning down the shop.
Burning, why?
Because I spent 15 years of my life here, and just like that,
he's making me unemployed and homeless,
without so much as even breaking into a sweat.
Homeless?
Yeah, homeless, I did live here, you know,
not that it meant anything to him.
So I'm burning this place to the ground.
I'm keeping your money, and nobody will be any the wiser.
Well, seeing as you're here, you might as well give me a hand.
There's a couple more jerry cans out the back.
[sigh]
Come in.
What's up?
[beep]
We'll give you some privacy.
Where are you?
South, nice view of the Riviera.
ESTHER: Scenic, you always did like the coast.
Seven-hour drive?
Five hours on the train.
Have to bring the kids, nights in a B and B, half our life
here, half our life there, whilst we wait for you--
that's how it's going to be now, isn't it?
Perhaps.
No perhaps about it, Kass, how could we not?
After all, we had the perfect life, didn't we?
That's got to be worth waiting for, hasn't it?
We weren't perfect.
No?
You talk in your sleep, you know, always the same thing.
"I want big cock."
At first, because of that stupid accent of yours,
I thought you were talking about yourself, till you
started adding, "in my mouth."
Oh, but, you know, you should try
not to think about it too much.
You are an emotional eater, Esther.
Probably glad to be in there, all those men.
I can't wait.
I don't want you horsing down pies, jealous of all
the action I'm seeing in here.
How kind.
Not entirely, I am being a little selfish.
You know, your visits, you bigger and bigger
each time, I won't be able to get it up
in my cell at night, visions of your lardy buttocks
and thighs filling my head.
Perhaps it's better I don't come at all, then.
Perhaps it is.
I will be OK, you know.
I don't doubt it.
Thanks, Jamie, nice to get that out of my system.
You must take care of her, Jamie.
She doesn't want taking care of.
You heard her.
She's off her--
You promised.
[sigh]
Thank you.
So who's the bloke with the beard?
He's a hairdresser.
Been serving a few bits for him.
Him, he was a hairdresser?
He's very good.
(DISTORTEDLY) You could do with a trim yourself.
I am not getting my hair cut.
[explosion]
[alarm ringing]
Right, I say you show me your new local,
and then we shift me cases up to your flat.
What you on about, my flat?
Guys, we really need to get going.
Well, where else am I gonna live?
We've just burnt my place down, in case you haven't noticed.
Anyway, it was all in the contract.
You signed it.
Chesney, now.
White wine spritzer and one for yourself,
love, I'm celebrating.
Why, have you won the lottery?
No, they've gone back up.
Oh, God.
Hey, Johnny, can I have a fag, mate?
You OK?
I'll survive.
It's what I do.
Look.
When he makes a promise, he sticks to it, whether the rest
of us like it or not.
He does mean well, even if he does seem a bit--
Neanderthal.
Emotionally awkward.
I guess nobody's perfect, are they?
And how are you tonight, Frank?
A bit dry.
Last time.
Yeah, cool.
All right, it's definitely mine.
- Go on. - Let's get [inaudible], guys.
All right, see you in a minute.
So the pink ladies ride again.
Yeah, they're nice lads when you get to know them.
I thought I'd bring them down here.
They don't get out much.
You know, if my husband had lied to me, about the business,
I mean, I'd have left him there and then.
It seems like a good reason.
But I'm not you, am I, Avril?
Which is probably why I'm still happily married.
Four pina coladas, please.
You're actually OK about this, aren't you?
Or more than OK, you almost seem happy.
And what if I am?
What, she's all right, isn't she?
I've been in that flat on my own for ages now.
Plus, you heard her.
She reckons she's a good cook.
And she keeps things tidy.
You saw that chemist's.
You want a wifey, don't you, cooking and cleaning?
Trust me.
I'm not thinking of her as a wife.
Oi, mind out, knobhead.
Fuck me.
They've cloned Yvonne.
Who's Yvonne?
His mum, total mentalist, fucking mouth on her.
Chesney, tuck your shirt in.
CHESNEY: Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I got this whole game wrong.
Maybe lowering your expectations isn't such a bad thing,
after all, 'cause if you don't, you
might actually start to believe you've got everything you want.
And that's how you miss out on the really good stuff.
Come on.
Do you want your slave labor badges or not?
CHESNEY: Like finding that certain someone who suddenly
makes you rethink it all, changes your priorities,
makes you grow, gives you a whole new set of expectations
to start all over again with.
[phone vibrating]
And trust me.
That beats being an action hero any day of the week.
[music playing]
What?
"Even Big Soapy Tit Wank"?
Jesus.
[music playing]