Look at me, right?
And look at the Queen.
I was never a fan until it occurred to me how
much me and Mum have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent,
but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we stuck to our guns, literally
sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed,
admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger, no.
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a big wig on her end or a big wig on mine,
you've still got all your dickheads
in the middle to deal with, snip, snip,
snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking,
what's your secret, Frank?
I got shot of my kids' yonks back.
Whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine, I've had to get out a bit on occasion to make ends meet,
whereas she, she's done the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a the drink for the lady.
Oh sure there's perks, but look at her lot,
buying maid, prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
JAMIE MAGUIRE (NARRATING): Why are people afraid of routine?
I know how each day begins, I know how it ends,
and I know what to expect in between.
That doesn't mean that life's passing me by
or that I'm stuck in my ways.
How can have fun, but I believe in responsibility
and reliability.
It's a strength.
Leave it to fools to rush in, to gamble with their futures
and other people's.
To risk losing it all because they twist not stick,
as if getting a new job, moving to a new town,
or riding a stinking camel across the desert
is going to make their lives any better.
Just want to run a check on a Doctor Martin Fisher.
JAMIE MAGUIRE (NARRATING): Sticking with what you know
can only make you stronger.
No, ta.
I'll stick to council pub.
Oh, my head is pickled, man.
Small wonder.
You really went for it.
[dance music playing]
What?
You don't remember?
Remember what?
Oh no, don't worry.
I won't say anything.
[phone ringing]
I just got to take this.
Hello?
You're winding me up.
[knock on door]
Kassi Blanco?
No, mate.
Yeah, I'm Kassi Blanco.
DCI Morgan.
I have a warrant to search these premises.
What's this all about?
Well, it starts with fake mortgage applications,
goes on to spurious bank accounts,
money laundering, fraud.
Want me to go on?
No, I have no idea what you are talking about.
I'll have to caution you.
What's going on?
It's fine, I have nothing to hide.
[knock on door]
Will you get that?
Dad's asleep.
We're looking for Doctor Martin Fisher and Kelly Ball.
Wrong house, love.
Mind if we have a look around?
Got a warrant?
What did Dibble want?
Looking for Marty and Kelly.
[whistling]
Oh, I haven't worn that jacket in ages.
Celebrating Ramadan, were you?
A godfather at the christening.
Need you to come down the station,
answer a few questions.
Your accounts, your assets, all have been frozen,
pending our investigation.
I'll be back soon.
I can just see it now.
A few kids running about, you washing the car, me sunbathing.
Ikea on a Saturday, garden center on a Sunday.
Give them a ring, we should have heard from them by now.
Hello?
Yes, this is Doctor Fisher.
Sorry.
All right, Willy Wanker.
Just looking for some tissues to mop up.
Marty, what is it?
Oh yeah, police were around at our place
earlier looking for you two.
Our mortgage has been rejected.
What are we going to do?
We've lost the bleeding lot.
We could stay here--
Oh, piss off.
--go back to Frank's.
Hello, Kelly, love.
You all right?
Never better.
You look as if you've seen a ghost.
Here you are.
All you need is love.
But a lick of chocolate now and then doesn't hurt either.
We could always see if Lillian would take you back.
[laughter]
More, more.
More, more, yeah.
[laughter]
I hope we're going to a better place.
Chinese Dave made sure of it.
What?
I said stop squawking and get on with the cleaning It's
a hot tub, not a duck pond.
Duck shit's a right bugger to shift.
[inaudible] and baking soda works every time.
What's going on?
Nothing, no charges.
Money laundering, fraud? Didn't sound like nothing.
Well, nothing for now.
I can help get a brief, you know, get this sorted.
Jamie, believe me.
I know what I'm doing.
It's not a pub brawl.
I really shouldn't have tried to pass
Marty and Kelly off as doctors.
What, this is their fault?
No, no, tip of the iceberg.
Daft buggers didn't look everywhere.
Pension, huh?
What, you're going to chip just like that?
One door closes, another one opens.
Right, I'm going to start packing.
What the fuck's going on?
I just need somewhere to lay low for a few days.
What's happening here?
I'll tell you what's happening here.
I've got five minutes, Shane.
I don't want any pissing about.
I just want you to fuck me from behind
and stick your thumb up my ass.
Are you taking the piss?
Do I look like I'm taking the piss?
Shane?
Are you in, mate?
I won't warn you again, Maguire.
This is the third time in a month we've had complaints
about under-age drinking.
How many times do I have to come over?
I'll sort it.
You'd better.
Sick of the sight of that lad today.
Yeah. What are you doing here anyway?
I need a favor. You still got the van?
Yes, why?
My brother's screwed up.
For once, it's not you.
What the fuck do you want?
I want you to do one now.
Hang on.
You can't tell us what to do.
I just did.
You got 20 minutes to pack up and leave.
Now.
I swear it down.
I'm not doing it.
I'm not coming back to this life, Marty.
We're up shit creek in a barbed wire canoe.
You know what?
Fuck it.
Let's just go.
We were going to do anyway.
That's when we thought we had somewhere to go to.
We're back to square one.
I like square ones.
Look, you said so yourself, these days,
dead from the neck up.
Noel bought the clothes on our back.
That's all we've ever had.
At least they're ours.
Give us a hand with this, Jamie.
Stinks here.
Consort the lackey easy enough, maybe get a cleaner in.
We can manage.
It's not quite what you're used to, though, is it?
Oh no, honestly it's fine.
Look, we'll be OK.
I'll leave you to it then.
Thanks, Jamie.
I'm going to bugsy a bedroom.
Not before me.
[scream]
Careful or you'll pull out a lollipop stick.
Who the hell are you lot?
You should have seen the look on his face when we pulled up.
He's been here before?
Yeah Yeah, only for an afternoon.
He might have thought it was colorful then,
but now he has to live here.
Kassi's not like that.
No?
I never asked to be dragged into this.
I went for a beer, ended up sat in handcuffs, wondering
what the fuck's going on.
It's not like he planned it.
Live a little, Jamie.
Like I'm the one that needs help.
Treats me like his fucking driver.
Has she gone then?
Who?
Swear word.
What are you talking about?
I'm not going to say her name.
She means Kelly.
She's gone, Lillian.
What was I thinking bringing them here?
They needed somewhere to go and you found them a place.
Yeah, but it's not exactly a match, is it?
The Blancos and the Chatsworth Estate.
It might do you good to spend a little bit more
time together.
Going for a few beers, I can handle.
His smug face at my doorstep 24/7, I did not sign up for.
Stella, a couple more beers?
How'd you get that?
It's working.
You hear about that grandma who got one for playing
Frank Sinatra all the time?
Really?
Yeah.
Good job.
Oh, Stella they're warm.
Hey!
[laughter]
I'll cut your cock off when I catch you.
This place is messed up.
Stella, I'm gonna punch your head in.
Ta da.
It took a lot of guts to come here, you know.
[inaudible]
Oh don't be so bloody soft, Shane.
What?
I just want to finish what we nearly started.
Heard you're in as well, Maguire.
Ah, Jack.
Wankers.
Absolutely.
Look, I've got to go back to work.
I might nip to the box for a diddle first, though.
Gastric bandits.
Bloody hell, Frank, could you be any more offensive?
No, no.
They love it.
I love it.
Once a week, we get up to all sorts, fantastic.
It's mutually beneficial.
We have an agreement.
That means you might have to find a new venue now, though.
Oh, don't worry about that.
We'll be gone before you know it.
Oh, that's a shame.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Ever tried a wigwam?
What's that?
Me and Kassi tried it once with a woman
we met in Marrakesh.
[speaking french]
Are these mushrooms any good?
Any good?
They're shit-your-pants good.
- Oh my god. - Strong, aren't they?
Oh yeah.
My Mum used to do that.
Frank?
I let her down, Esther.
Fuck, I let her down.
Don't cry, Frank.
Here, let me get you another drink.
Got none.
There's a soap in the square.
Oh, god.
[moans]
Miss her?
Miss who, love?
Swear word.
She was like a daughter to me.
Apart from the prostituting.
She stole from you.
That's family for you.
He told you about them moving in yet?
Been avoiding it.
Made it pretty clear what he thinks of Mum.
He'll say something smart ass, she'll say something insulting.
And then I'll have to sort it again.
It'd be worse if Mimi sniffs him out first.
I'll go around tomorrow.
I'm seeing the words shit and fan.
Get away, boy.
[laughter] No, get away.
Down boy, down.
Tam?
Who's this dog?
What's going on out here?
He's my lad.
Tam, get inside the house.
Know what it is, love.
We've all been there.
A son wouldn't be a son if he didn't go off
the rails every now and again.
So you're our new neighbors?
We are, yeah.
I'm Esther Blanco.
My husband is Jamie McGuire's brother.
Bit of a funny story, actually.
He's only just found out he's got a brother.
Turns out his mum had a threesome.
Totally forgot that her husband had been a per--
I'll stop you there, love.
I'm Mimi.
I'm Jamie's mother.
What's he on?
Industrial-strength mushrooms.
Forgot to mention, your new stepmom's Chatworth's answer
to Pablo Escobar.
Only she's got a bigger tash.
[loud music playing]
Even God got to relax on a Sunday.
What's this shite they've got on, anyway?
I like it.
What's this shite you're reading?
Thalia, turn that down!
Ugh!
Easier to train a dog than a soul, eh Tam?
Yeah, if you're going to do drugs, don't get caught.
- Hey, I thought you might-- - Morning, Frank.
You eating?
Oh, no.
Got to christen the new abode last night, were we?
Walls are paper thin.
[laughter]
What is it?
What do you expect?
Waitrose, not bloody Chesco.
That champ living here now?
Leave him alone.
I like Cha Cha.
Ring me.
Still no Joey?
Well, it's Sunday morning.
It's earlier in France, so--
You're all right, pal.
Careful, Frank.
He's a zero watt bulb.
Fancy a game of Idiot Stretcher?
Go on then, how do you play it?
Oh!
Saul, here!
Don't ever do that again, you hear me?
Go to the shop around the corner and get some eggs.
Well, it could have been worse, Frank.
Come in, come in.
I'm Karen.
We just brought you some things.
Oh thank you.
You didn't have to.
All right, Jamie.
Just welcoming the family.
Yeah, piss off, Frank. - Yeah, will do.
I found this baby oil.
Can I rub it on your ass cheeks?
How much of that book have you read?
Aw, babe.
I do understand, you know, how it feels when your chicks have
flown the nest.
You comparing my kids to dogs?
Is it all right to have a quick shower, Mum?
Why not?
Every other fucker's interrupted my peace.
Oh.
Fucking hell, Mum, what you doing?
Do you know anything about our Jamie
and those assholes next door?
Yeah.
They [inaudible] from yesterday.
And I'm the last one to know, as per.
How am I supposed to know that you didn't know?
You would if any of you bothered
coming to see me anymore.
I'm here now, aren't I?
Are you here to see me or use the facilities?
This place isn't a hotel, you know.
Hotels have locks on the doors.
Don't forget to wash your bell end.
Piss off.
Don't want to encourage Frank, you know.
He's a parasite.
Oh, it's fine.
Esther is fond of him.
You'll never get rid.
Well, we'll be away soon anyway.
Oh, yeah.
The big mystery.
No, no.
No mystery.
We're going to France.
I've got an investment out there, just about ripe.
You think the police are going to let you jet off
and enjoy the European vibe?
Why are you so bothered?
I was sat in handcuffs the day before yesterday.
You dragged me into this shit.
I want to know about it.
You drag yourself into shit if our night
out is anything to go by.
What's that supposed to mean?
Wouldn't you love to know?
Can you not just answer a straight fucking question?
Calm down.
Keep moving, that's my motto.
No point hanging around.
I'll stop you right there, love.
I'm Jamie's mother.
[laughter] Oh, we should have been there.
Got them.
[laughter]
Well, at least they're eggs.
You lot, outside.
Coffee?
No, ta.
Best get off, need to see me mum.
Have some breakfast first.
Yeah, Mimi won't feed you.
[splashing]
What do you think you're doing?
- Chillaxing. - That hot tub belongs to me.
It's in our garden.
Are you our new grandma?
No, I'm your worst nightmare.
Now get out of there.
Get out!
OK, pipe down, saggy tits.
I'll drag you out of there, you little dipstick.
Aw, Mum.
Mum!
What are you doing?
Don't ever lay a finger on him again, or any of them.
Or what?
And what the fuck are you playing at, moving them in?
I'm just helping him out.
He's family.
Not my fucking family.
Morning.
Ah, another Maguire boy.
You any better at keeping your mother under control?
What?
He's my husband.
You're proper giving me tinnitus.
Get that hot tub back in my yard pronto.
I'll sort this.
What are you doing?
I thought you'd want to see me.
Not here.
Put your hands down my pants.
I dare you.
Cuff me.
You dirty bastard.
What's going on?
It's all cool, Mum.
I've just got to answer some questions about Shane's world.
Boys will be boys, eh, Mimi?
You get in, dickhead.
But--
MIMI: Now!
[police siren]
They've got one of those big plasmas next door.
Ah.
Listen, it was in the buff, Frank.
She's getting out of control.
[making noises] Confusion in her eyes, it says it all.
She's lost control.
She's clinging to the nearest passerby.
She's lost control.
[burps]
You're really putting your mum through it, you know.
What?
It's hard for her watching you grow up, make bad decisions.
Sorry for putting you through it.
It don't bother me.
I actually think they're all right.
I mean, the kid seemed like a right laugh.
It's just hard for your mum, you know.
Really?
Just buy her a bunch of flowers every now and then.
You know, show her that you care.
I'll do my best.
I'm glad we could have a chat like this.
You know, father to son.
See you later, mate.
[moaning]
Oh god, yeah.
Oh, like that, like that.
Ah!
Juliet Bravo, James Henderson, Cagney and Lacey.
Dale Cre-- gan.
Oh.
Fuck.
[sighs] Right, back to work.
What?
What about me?
You can wank on my tits, but you'll have to be quick.
[police radio interrupting]
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we save it for later?
I love a messy cream pie.
I'll be there in three minutes, Gov.
Try it again.
Boarding pass.
So your ferry leaves on Tuesday.
Yes.
[inaudible] is nearer to Brittany than Caen, isn't it?
How would I know with my dull little life?
Mind if I check my emails while I'm here?
Knock yourself out.
Yeah, lads. Watch this.
In three, two, one.
[crashes into garbage can]
[laughter]
How's is going, fellow?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, mate
Do you know him?
Kind of, yeah.
Sorry, love. This is a no smoking area.
Who the hell does she think she is?
I know.
You can smoke in here.
Go in there and ask Mimi if she's ever done space docking.
Space docking?
Hey, she's going to go sick.
Mimi, have you ever done space docking?
Fucking space docking?
Coming around here, corrupting our kids, lowering the town.
I don't know where you come from,
but this is a nice estate for nice people.
Calm down, Mum.
Calm down?
Shut the fuck up, Judas.
What's that mean?
You know exactly what it means.
It's just kids mucking about.
What's it matter?
It matters to me.
Billy, home.
But it's my turn.
I won't tell you again.
It's not funny.
Oh, it is though, Esther.
What's wrong?
Kassi?
Fuck's sake.
Dad, what's the matter?
Kassi.
Kassi, where you going, mate?
Hey!
[spits]
Kassi, stop!
What are you doing?
What the fuck's going on?
It has nothing to do with you.
Really?
It feels like it's got everything to do with me.
My family, my problem, my fucking world.
Know whose that is?
No.
Good.
Coming?
- I mean, where were you going? - France.
I meant in this, before you realized the tank was empty.
Fight or flight, Jamie.
You don't know where you're going,
you don't know what you're doing.
What do you know?
Fuck all, that's the truth, isn't it?
You cause chaos and expect everyone else
to clean up your mess.
I never asked for your help.
Yeah, well it didn't stop you taking it.
I've been chasing your tail for two days and are you grateful,
are you fuck?
Oh yeah, that's it.
Walk away.
Where you going to run to this time, eh?
Spain?
Mexico?
Kuala fucking Lumpur?
Yeah, you just sit there coming up with your next big story.
I don't know what to do.
Where's Dad?
Don't worry.
He'll be back.
So what was this big idea?
Pear cider.
Invested in a couple of units in Brittany.
Have you taken the piss?
Oh, you really are a screw-up.
I never lost this much before.
Always had a backup, never thought it
would all go to shit at once.
I don't know how you live day-to-day like that,
I really don't.
That's because your apron strings
are still umbilical cords.
Family's family.
I'm not sure mine would be that pleased to see me.
Ah, you'd be all right.
Esther and the kids adore you, think the sun shines out
your ass.
Fucks knows why.
Look, I might need to hang around for awhile,
just until I get back on my feet.
If you can make things right with mum,
then maybe it could work.
One more thing.
What did happen the night we went out?
Anyone ever tell you you worry too much?
That how you deal with all your problems,
just throw food at it?
I've lived in a war zone and I don't fancy doing it again.
Saul, take these down to Mimi.
Tell her you're sorry.
Aw, do we have to?
Yes.
Will you come with me, Cha Cha?
Yeah.
Oh, don't forget to invite her for dinner.
8:00.
Tell your mother she can stick it up her ass.
And you turn up to work looking like that, Gallagher,
and I'll cut your knackers off.
You think she'll come?
I'm going to fuck you like you've
never been fucked before.
Shane!
Fuck, it's Jamie.
Hide!
[inaudible]
- You all right? - Ay.
Fuck me.
Have you OD'ed on Viagra or something?
No, no, no, no.
Just sit down.
Take the weight off your lead.
How's it going with Ali Baba then?
Total disaster.
Mum's going mental.
Ah, that's good.
That's good.
What's good?
Mum.
Ali Baba.
What's up with you?
Nothing, why?
Are you banging that pig?
She's not a pig.
And no, I'm not.
Is she a copper?
Yes, technically.
Well, then she's a pig.
Is she here?
It's got nothing to do with you.
Ah, don't you fucking tell me that as well.
For fuck's sake!
[grunting]
I will have to save this one for the wank bank.
Leave you to it, boys.
Fucking off me.
Maybe Mimi could sit next to Saul.
Stop it.
You promised you'd try.
[knock on door]
I haven't had a chance to give you a proper welcome.
I'm Lillian. A little something for you.
Isn't that kind?
Thought you'd like it, it's filthy.
Lillian would you like to come to dinner this evening?
You can be our uninvited guest.
You mean I'm not invited?
Sorry?
If I'm uninvited.
It's a Jewish thing.
8 o'clock?
Lovely.
I'll bring a bottle of bubbly.
Ciao for now.
Why do I get the feeling you're
not taking this seriously?
You go around Wanko's later then, Frank?
You?
I'm a [inaudible].
Well, I think you should.
Why is that?
Look, you're a religious lady, Mimi.
Love thy neighbor.
And don't sell mushrooms to their kids.
You'd better keep that to yourself, Gallagher.
You know what side your bread's buttered.
Indeed I do.
Amos, saw your bloody uniform out.
Looked like nobody's child.
Hello, gorgeous.
Well, I'm sick of people telling me
I should go round there tonight.
Whoever it is, I agree with them.
Why not?
Why should I be the one to make an effort?
I'm the victim in all this.
Give them a chance.
No point shitting on your own doorstep.
[grunting]
[phone beeps]
Looks like Mum's coming to this dinner tonight after all.
What changed her mind?
Don't know.
Tonight at 8:00, be there.
Listen, I would love to help, but I really don't see
myself as a diplomatic sort.
Plus, I am definitely on a promise tonight.
I think if I cancel, my balls just might explode.
I need backup.
Plus, I'll tell Mum you're shagging
a pig if you don't come.
Bullocks.
Mm, you smell great.
Like strawberry laces.
It's nowhere as good as [inaudible]..
Ta.
Where have you two been?
Reminiscing.
You're brave for inviting this lot around, aren't you?
Oh well, you're a brave lot for coming.
Like waiting for the executioner.
Is he coming too?
[knock on door]
Brace yourselves.
Hi, you all right?
Hiya.
Yeah, come in, come in.
Why don't you put her down upstairs?
Cheers.
Look at you all dressed up.
Even Saul's impressed.
Ah ha, the guest of honor.
Who's side are you here for?
I'm the uninvited.
She's the fucking brain dead.
Can I borrow your phone, Uncle Jamie?
Of course you can, mate.
Oh, look at that.
Bonjour, tout la monde.
No French allowed, Frank.
D'accords.
You're over there.
Aidan not coming?
Thankfully, no.
He lacks the complex attributes required to make
a person socially attractive.
And he's got to tug.
Well, this is very cozy, isn't it?
Family gathering.
Should have a game of charades.
I'm good at that.
Can I go first?
Two words, fuck off.
Thanks.
You lot taken the piss?
Oh, that takes me back.
It's not what you think, I drew it for Frank.
Whose side are you on then, Frank?
I think I'm the one on the bottom.
I meant here, you pleb.
I'm Switzerland.
This is really nice, Esther.
Better than your Mum's?
No, no, not better, it's just--
It's just what?
Different.
Try some bierock, Mimi?
I've got plenty, thank you.
Are you sure, babe?
This is mint.
I had a big lunch at school.
Jamie mentioned you help out the local primary.
It's a bit more than fucking helping out.
Must be a handful, dealing with kids from around here.
It's not so much the round here that's the problem.
Once you get them, they're putty in your hands.
I find it's back at home where the real issues lie.
I found it.
The term space docking refers to a man--
[mumbling]
Finished.
Going to see Aidan.
They're making an effort, why don't you?
Taking their side again.
Oh, give it a fucking rest, Mum.
Hey, don't talk to your mum like that.
At least I've still got one son who hasn't let me down.
Who hasn't let you down?
Well, he's shagging a fucking cop.
He's what?
I'm really fucking not.
[laughter]
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Who do you think you are, Lady Muck?
Do you think we've had it easy?
Sit down, Esther.
No.
She hasn't got a monopoly on hard lives.
See him?
He nursed me and Tam through meningitis
when he was 18 years old.
And he's Palestinian.
You think that's easy?
Someone's had a shit in the hot tub.
[laughter]
That for the space docking?
What did I tell you?
The fucking animals.
Was it you?
Why would I grass on myself.
Him.
It's got to be him.
How do we know you didn't do it yourself?
And why would I do it myself?
To get a reaction like this.
I'm not one to shit on my own doorstep.
It was me, I'm sorry.
Breakfast burrito.
Saul!
Jesus Christ.
[laughter]
I know you didn't have a burrito for breakfast.
Why say you did?
Because I know you put that shit in the hot tub.
- You're accusing me? - Well you did, didn't you?
Well that stuck up cow needed a lesson
in Chatsworth hospitality.
We look like idiots now.
No, I look like an idiot.
Same as any other day.
Looking to me for sympathy?
What even gave you the idea?
Well in a way, you did.
What, you actually listened to something I had to say?
Ha, ha, ha.
I love how our relationship just keeps
getting stronger and stronger.
Oh.
You gave me the idea to have a shit in the hot tub, Billy.
Don't get carried away, you fucking knob.
[laughter]
Yes!
Guess I fucked it up again.
I think my step dad taking a shit in your hot tub
was the low point.
Well, best get him indoors.
Night, Uncle Jamie.
Night, mate.
Thanks, Jamie.
For everything, I mean.
JAMIE MAGUIRE (NARRATING): It's human nature to adapt.
You might not want change, but life
sticks two fingers up at that.
It happens.
Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
Either way, we live with it and carry on.
So why spend so much time worrying about the things
that could go wrong?
Stop worrying and enjoy what you have
now, because nobody knows what's waiting
for them on the horizon.
Not even me.
[theme song playing]
Gladiator, are you ready?
Three, two, one.
Oh!