Look at me right.
And look at the Queen.
I was never a fan until it occurred to me,
how much me Mom have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
And no, she's not a single parent.
But she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we stuck to our guns,
her literally sometimes.
And flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger, no.
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a big wig on her end or a big wig on mine,
you still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with,
snip-snip-snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking,
what's your secret, Frank?
I got shot on my kids' yonks back.
Whereas she yet to do the back of a single one.
Fine.
I've had to get out of bed on occasion
to make ends meet, whereas she-- she's done
the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure there's perks.
but look at her lot.
Brian May, prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking party.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): The more I think about it,
the more I realize that pretty much everyone's
got a secret identity.
And I'm not, you know, meaning like Batman or Superman.
Although, when I was 10, I did put my pants on my head
and run around pretending to be a superhero, the Catholic
Avenger.
Exorcised the next door neighbor's cat.
Worked as well.
No.
I mean the secret identity being you,
the real you, the one behind all that bluster and front.
Like, the woman who pretended she didn't need
love, but found it closer to home
than she could have ever imagined.
Or the boy who's doing his best to be a loving
husband and good father.
Those good looks and easy smile distracting you
from the stench of blood and death
that came with his family name.
Or the friendly local janitor, always got a smile
and wink for the kiddies.
Some of them say they want to be like him when they grow up.
Or the man who thought he was happy enough, drinking,
womanizing, getting by, until he realized, he'd
never known what happiness was at all.
[knocking]
Coming.
Oh, shit.
Coming.
Package for Gloria Meak.
- She doesn't live here. - Oh.
I mean, she does. Sorry.
She does.
She;s just not here right now.
Oh, pay no attention to him.
Mince for brains til he has his first cuppa.
Yeah, my wife's the same.
Oh, no, no. We're not married.
No.
We're brother and sister.
What?
It's not weird is it, us living together?
Especially not in this economic climate.
I'm a priest anyway, you know, a man of the cloth.
I told you, mince.
What's with you?
Nothing.
As you all know, tomorrow is a Red Letter day.
The school inspector calls.
So big smiles, friendly faces, and we'll all get through it.
And there is one other thing.
In light of recent solicitors' letters that I've received,
it seems that our exclusion of Adam Wiggins
may not have been entirely legal.
You better be joking.
[interposing voices]
Russell, that little fucker comes back,
you'll have a walk out on your hands.
You can't do that.
We've got an inspection.
Seems to me, you're doing it all wrong, punishing the lad,
excluding him, not going to work.
Now, what you need is a nice little frilly
pink dress and a pair of heels.
Dress up this Adam like a little girl.
Two or three days tottering around the corridors having
the shit ripped out of him by all and sundry,
he'll be humble as pie.
It's all right.
You can thank me later.
Just to remind you, you are PTA, not actual staff.
I was just helping.
I've got experience with these things.
Kids of me own.
I understand the whole world of education
must seem fascinating and new to you.
What's that mean?
How old were you when you left school?
Exactly.
But this is not a free for all.
And I'm not blind.
I'm well aware of you slithering your tentacles into places
they're not welcome--
You better watch your tone.
You better watch out you don't overstep the mark.
Because one little word from me and you're gone.
Gone with the wind.
He's not going to call.
He might.
Look, I know things got a little bit out of hand,
but you know, now me and Kassi have had a time to cool down.
Jamie, he popped in here for a drink
and you tried to beat the shit out of him.
He's hardly going to be throwing lunch dates and friend
requests in your direction.
He's not answering my calls.
Because he knows your number.
But he doesn't know mine.
[phone ringing]
KASSI (PHONE): Hello?
It's me, Jamie.
Don't hang up.
Hey, there you are, Mimi.
How's it hanging?
Hey, fucking-- this place doesn't clean itself, you know.
What are we doing, Frank?
Look at us.
We look like dicks.
I don't.
Hey, come on.
You shouldn't let them get you down, kid.
You're the big, strong woman.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Come on.
In fact, I'm going to close the book on this place,
take them them for everything I can,
show those fuckers what over stepping
the line really looks like.
Yeah, good for you.
Hey, you know, I--
I've been very impressed by that--
you know, that mushroom industry that you've got going.
You're a trailblazer.
You know, Amelia Earhart, Marie Curie, a Pocahontas--
I haven't got Hovis stamped on my ass.
You can stop buttering me up, Frank.
What you want?
Well, seeing that you're doing very well with this mushroom
thing, you know, maybe tip a few caps this way
to your old friend and neighbor.
Fill your boots, Frank.
Enjoy it while it lasts, because I'm getting the gold mine.
And these are getting the shaft.
Laters, Frank.
Yeah.
Laters.
But you get on all right, as family, when you finally got
to spend some time together.
Which was lovely, til she opened her mouth.
He was so drunk he thought I was twins.
Oh, come on, Jamie. You're a class act.
I mean, what's not to like, eh?
Black guy, couple of bruises.
Jamie, he's agreed to meet you again.
He's coming in for a drink.
Don't over think it.
You know what you should try doing?
Mom, it's all right.
I was just saying--
I don't want this opened up to the floor.
I just wanted to hear from a couple
of folk who'd been there.
Right, listen up.
My brother's coming in here tonight.
I'm already here, you div.
My other brother.
And I want to show him that this place isn't a fucking cesspool.
So no fighting, no drugs, no pissing, and no puking.
You got that?
It's you he needs to worry about.
No, it's good to laugh.
A pub full of happy people joking about, you
got the right idea, John.
So go on, laugh again.
I want to hear you, a big old fucking chuckle.
[chuckling]
You can do better than that.
All of you.
Did I say stop?
Laugh it up, you fucking fuzzballs.
All together now.
[laughing]
That's better.
Computer room, at the back, first corridor.
They've got a brand new server, whatever the fuck that is.
So go in, after midnight, rip it out, sell it on.
Right?
You got masks?
Don't want any of this coming back to me.
Right, then.
And don't smash the place up.
Some of the kids have worked quite hard on the projects
and--
just keep it clean.
That way.
Are you sure about us being here?
Oh, yeah, because being at home's
so much better with Aidan tramping around with his tag on
and little one mewling and whining all the fucking time.
It's just we always hated school.
Worst years of our lives.
I promise you, after this evening's over,
you'll think of school in a whole different light.
I'm not pissing on you, Frank.
What?
Eh, what's pissing got to do with it?
Just whenever you start talking like this,
usually ends with me pissing on you.
That's not strictly true, but let's not rule anything out.
You know, what happens in school, stays in school.
He's not coming.
Maybe it's just running late.
Maybe it's for the best.
It's not like you could've shared life stories, is it?
I'll tell you what.
Let's talk about the time I was banged up or the time I
offed three fellas.
Or maybe the time when I--
I dug up the corpse of some guy's dad,
because he had his sticky fingers on my missus.
Shane, let's play shut the fuck up.
You go first.
Just saying.
I'm going to clear up.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Easy, easy.
Sorry, mate.
Karen told me you were out here shifting crates.
I know it's late--
We're closing up, but we can still get a couple of beers--
How about tomorrow?
Day out.
Banley Manor?
Tam's off school for a few days.
I have to look after him anyway.
Why Banley?
Is this to do with my dad?
Yes.
Yes, it is.
That's where his ashes were scattered.
Tomorrow then?
I've got a taxi waiting.
Tomorrow.
They're gone.
- Frank-- - Almost done.
Don't know about this.
Makes me look like a prossie.
No.
You look like a painted lady.
Don't that look like Siobhan?
Fuck, it does.
Got the cornrows and everything.
Talented little bastards.
They're not talented.
This-- this is talent.
Rembrandt would be spinning in his tomb.
This stuff, this is rubbish.
Just bollocks, isn't it?
Fingers like penises.
Smiley faces.
Yeah, that's kids for you. they see things differently.
Blue sky.
Big old Mr. Sunshine.
[laughter]
Everything's beautiful.
Everything's just perfect.
Frankie.
Oh.
Frank.
Are you looking at me?
Wait, this is-- this is important.
Here I am, Frank.
Frank.
This is fucking brilliant.
It's like a moment.
No.
Don't change.
Stay the same.
Don't grow old, because your fucking
kids just fucking up and away.
Frank.
You looking at me now, Frank?
Have you finished?
No.
I'm not fucking finished.
Frank.
FRANK: Stop it.
You fucking leech.
Iraq not enough for you?
I am not fucking finished.
No.
[bell ringing]
All set?
Yeah, think so.
Packed lunch, just some sandwiches.
You ever been to Banley Manor before?
Oh, god.
It's boring.
I went there years ago on a school trip.
Connor might enjoy it though.
Don't think you have to come.
I can do this.
Like I said, I mean, boring for me.
But for Connor though--
Yeah, OK.
But I'm not sharing my sandwiches.
I'll just go and get some stuff together.
He's bringing his kid too, my nephew I suppose.
Have you got him something?
What?
You think I should get him a present?
I don't know.
It's polite.
I mean, these middle classes-- oh, that'll be great,
showing up empty handed.
He'll think I'm a right fucking loser.
We're meeting him at 11.
You haven't got time.
Hey, what's going on.
Well, it's Christmas, sir, Christmas morning.
Seriously?
No, assembly in the hall, isn't it?
Coo-ee, Frank.
[interposing voices]
Oh, eh up.
Eh up. Eh up.
Jannie coming through.
Frank, I'm stuck.
Just jump.
I can't.
I've got impetigo.
What?
Look, the place is gonna be crawling with kids and teachers
in a minute.
I'll catch you.
Trust me.
[bell ringing]
Ow.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, Jesus.
Come on.
Up and at them.
You said you'd catch me.
I've got bruises, more bruises.
Fucking hell, Frank.
You throw like a girl.
We haven't got time for this.
[bell ringing]
Oh, shit.
You got any Frisbees?
We don't sell that kind of stuff here.
You know that.
Have you got anything similar then?
Jaime, I don't deal drugs, all right?
Bet he does.
This place has to be a front.
It's not a bloody code word.
It's a Frisbee.
It's an object you throw and catch.
Oh, right.
Frisbee.
No.
I also don't sell that kind of thing here.
Here.
I'm in a rush. I can't be late.
So how much?
Just take it, man.
Biscay.
Get East or Northwest?
Four or five.
Slight or moderate.
Mainly fair.
Good.
Occasionally, very poor.
Trafalgar, variable southerly.
Frank.
Three or four.
Occasionally, five.
Slight or moderate.
Fair, good.
Well, that concludes today's shipping forecast.
I'd like to welcome someone back into the fold.
And I'm sure that once you've heard what Adam Wiggins has
to say, I'm sure that you'll agree
he deserves a second chance.
Adam.
No way.
[interposing voices]
Just great.
Go on.
Fight the system.
Solidaritnost.
Shouldn't you be in school?
There was a walk out.
There's only like three teachers and 40 kids left.
When?
In assembly.
Heard them say they'll probably shut the school down now.
Hang on a minute, love.
What are you doing, miss?
Protecting my investment.
So how are things at--
Inspector HQ.
Right.
Let us begin.
English.
Well, how about geography instead?
Mr. Farman's class is fascinating.
Oh, would you like to meet--
Year four English.
Actually, I think the year four teacher might be off.
Well, then you'll have a substitute teacher, won't you?
Or are you so incompetent you can't even manage that?
Wait, look, there's something I need to tell you.
Of course, if I was to tell you the next story we were
looking at featured murder, paranoia, insanity, revenge,
and ghosts, you'd probably think I was talking
about an X-rated oeuvre of Mr. Tarantino or Mr.
Stallone, but no.
It's called "Hamlet."
And it's by a bright young gun named William Shakespeare.
Anybody know him?
Ah, gentlemen, please, take a seat.
OK.
So where was I. "Hamlet, Hamlet."
Warms a very sickness in my heart
that I shall live and tell him to his teeth.
Thus diest thou.
Slightly carried away there.
But everybody open your books.
Turn to page one.
Hang on to your hats, because it's "Hamlet" time.
Right now, your career is bent over the table,
trousers down, cheeks splayed, about to get the ass fucking
to end all ass fuckings.
You're too old to retrain for anything else.
And no other school will touch you
with the proverbial dirty barge pole.
So I'm your only hope.
Now, I've called in favors from friends, good friends,
to bail you out of your own mess.
I just hope I haven't overstepped the mark.
Is everything all right, Mr. Banbury?
Everything's fine.
Then, pay attention.
You might learn something.
My liege.
Art, chemistry, physical education, mathematics.
Oh, and there was recently a big investment in a school server.
I would very much like to see that up and running.
The computer room at the back, brand
new server worth thousands.
Rip it out.
Sell it on.
No problem at all.
I need you to get that server back to me
ASA-fucking-P. I don't care if you've got football tonight.
Billy, do you want to spend the rest of your married life
sleeping on the couch?
Right.
Thank you.
You, here, now.
Bet you're happy with yourself.
School's in chaos.
Most of the teachers have buggered off.
Come on.
Let's see if you're still smiling when I'm done with you.
You might have half the school shitting themselves
every time you look round.
Might have the teachers on the run.
But I'll give you this, you do scrub up pretty well.
Now, you totter along to the kitchen to help out,
for all those lovely dinner ladies
walked out when you walked in.
And eh, son, make sure that food's de-fucking-liscious.
Michelin star, or you'll be walking
around in my knickers and bra.
So I guess you come here a lot, to visit Dad's dashes.
Yeah, yeah.
We make the trip every week or so.
It's boring.
It doesn't have to be boring.
And Jamie's brought you something.
Give it to him. - What?
This?
No, no.
I didn't bring this to play with it's--
it's some kid's birthday on our street.
He's mentally deficient.
That's really good of you, mate.
These are a little basic, aren't they?
I mean, at this level, they really should
be up to a higher standard.
Yeah, but in order to draw like the child,
one must think like the child, yeah?
They are children.
You are a man who understands art.
Well, I-- well, I do dabble.
Yeah.
[phone ringing]
FRANK: You do dabble.
Billy, give me some good news.
They've sold the server on already.
The problem is it's to another school.
Look, just delay your man.
I'm on it.
Right.
I'll wait here.
It's your wife.
Well, I can't just walk into a strange school, can I?
Everyone will think I'm a paedo.
Then, you can't hang around the school gates either.
You'll look even more paedo-tastic.
So grow some.
Right.
Which-- which one's the server?
That big thing there.
You know, you should've unplugged it first.
Has everyone just run off and left you?
Animals, man, the lot of them.
Billy.
It's wrong.
The wheels.
We're going to hell. We're going to hell.
[MUSIC - THE VACCINES, "NORGAARD"]
Great Danes cheekbones.
Teenage hormanes.
Young complexion.
Non-physical affection.
You're a godsend.
Do you want a boyfriend.
Crazy, Crazy, easy tiger.
Her mind's made up.
She don't want to go steady.
She's only 17, so she's probably not ready.
A-M-A-N-D-A Norgaard.
I saw you on a cover on Cross Bay Boulevard.
[whistle blowing]
Smaller tits and skinny framework.
Tall sharp hips, and you're all in the same work.
Give me the sweet talk, walking down the catwalk.
Go in there.
Her mind's made up.
She don't want go steady.
She's only 17, so she's probably not ready.
A-M-A-N-D-A Norgaard.
I saw you on the cover on Cross Bay Boulevard.
Go.
So Dad, our dad, where'd you scatter the ashes?
Over the flowerbed?
It's what he wanted.
He used to sit here on the bench.
He loved it here.
Suppose I should go and say something.
I have no fucking idea what I'm doing here.
I mean you're a pile of ashes in a flower bed.
You obviously can't hear me.
Are you exclusive?
You and the big lab?
Because I ain't got a girlfriend at the moment
and I can be very discreet.
Blah, blah, blah.
Talking to a fucking flower bed.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So yeah.
I hope he would've been proud of me.
It's unlikely, but I hope so.
Nice one, mate.
Late for school?
There's a punishment for that.
I was kind of hoping there would be.
Just pay the fucking bills on time, you alcoholic twat bag.
All right, Mims? - No.
Not all right.
Does anyone know anything about computers?
Yeah. I know a little bit.
Good, because we've got about three minutes
to get this server up and running before the inspector
gets to the computer room.
And I've no fucking idea what a server actually does.
Come on.
No.
Other cable.
You don't think she suspected anything, do you?
What?
Apart from you being an who can't pay your bills on time?
No.
Second time this week we've almost been caught.
You don't think we're one of those couple who, you know--
Get off on danger?
No.
In fact, it makes me even more frustrated.
I want to do normal things.
Why don't we then?
Tonight, Grand Hotel, meal, get drunk.
It's weird isn't it?
It just feels right.
Yeah.
Does that.
Everything good?
Yeah. DOMINIC: Yeah.
Yeah. Never been better.
OK.
So we have lift off.
Oh.
Yeah.
So who can spell proper?
Katie.
Just another hour, and we're in the clear.
So what is this?
Go on.
You're really into all this, aren't you?
The school, the way the kids look up to you, the teachers.
It's called protecting your investment.
Are you sure that's all it is.
Of course I'm fucking sure.
These corridors are paved with gold.
And let's all going straight into my pocket.
All right.
If anyone's too into this.
It's your Dom.
Yeah.
A real showman that one.
He just loves pretending to be somebody else.
Is there a union we can join or something?
Lil, you do realize we're not real teachers, right?
Oh, you might not be a real teacher.
Pizza.
Really?
Well, it covers four of--
Stop babbling.
You're getting a pass.
A weak one, with notes in the margin.
But it's still a pass.
I've always tried to maintain the highest standards--
The less you speak, the better it'll be for everybody.
Oh, shit.
Get out.
[alarm]
[screaming]
We shouldn't be exposed to these kinds of things.
We're fucking courtesans, ladies of pleasure.
Fire.
Coming through.
Fire.
What was that?
Al-Qaeda or the fucking paddies starting up?
Let Hercules himself do what he may.
The cat will mew and dog will have his day.
That is from "Hamlet."
And it means you are all in a hell of a lot of trouble.
I feel sorry for you.
You went to all that effort to set up those microwaves,
the cans in them.
Big boom.
And you didn't even scratch me.
I mean, that's pathetic.
There are kids your age in Sierra
Leone with AK-47s and twice the balls you'll ever have.
You know, when I first heard about you, I thought maybe
here's a lad who's gonna show me something new,
something interesting.
Maybe he'll even surprise me.
But you can't, can you, Adam?
Because you're mediocre.
And you always will be.
So how does it feel, now that you've spoken to Dad?
Yeah, great.
I-- you know, a weight off my mind.
All right, I can't do this Kass.
I didn't feel a thing.
I'm a bad person.
This was a mistake.
Jamie--
I've done time in jail.
I've been involved in shit that would turn your shit white.
You're clever. You're driven.
You've got this great kid who's all sorted.
I'm just a fuck up.
It's not funny.
It's--
Jamie, I lied to you.
Dad's ashes weren't scattered here.
Then, where are they scattered then?
Don't know.
I don't even know where they are.
Left them in the back of a taxi when I was doing a runner.
Why?
Well, because it was eight quid fifty.
And I only had a fiver.
And you know, they always--
Why did you tell me they we're here, acting all serious?
Because I thought that's what you wanted.
I'm only here because I thought that's what you wanted.
Mate, I'm a fuck up too.
And not just losing Dad's ashes.
I mean, I've been bankrupt.
And Tam, well-- well, they gave him a little holiday
from school for sending photos of his cock
to the English teacher.
Looks like he's just shown it to my missus.
The point is fucking up happens.
And I figured, two brothers walking
around acting all serious, trying to make the other one
feel better, well, it can't be all bad.
Right
You really are a fuck-up.
[children shouting]
Listen, you can't blame Banbury for this.
He let a kid come back.
Teacher's walked out.
Look, I'm going to be nice and save you
the trouble of a beautiful speech,
some wonderful oration to melt my heart and stay my pen.
It's not going to happen.
There are rules, regulations, correct ways of doing things.
He touched me.
What?
Him.
He touched me in my private area in the toilets.
This-- this is ridiculous.
Obviously, just another set up.
Nothing to do with me.
Nobody is going to believe him.
All allegations of abuse must be dealt with seriously.
If the child is in immediate trouble,
the police should be called.
Otherwise, it must be taken to the Council
Children's Services.
These are the rules, the regulations,
the correct way of doing things.
I'm sure your name will be cleared.
Family, friends, colleagues won't ever think less of you.
No nagging doubt Smoke without fire, so to speak.
Are you threatening me?
Offering you a solution, love.
One word in this kid's ear, he'll keep his trap shut.
I'll make sure the teachers come back, the world keeps turning.
And you can wheel on in next week, full inspection,
proper this time.
You have no justification for this.
I am here to make sure the school runs properly.
Believe me, I give more of a shit about this place
than anyone else.
You have my word on that.
Your word.
I don't even know what you are.
I'm Mrs. Tutton, head of the PTA.
OK.
That got my attention.
Now, go away and ask about the Maguire family.
Look them up online.
Have a read.
Have a think.
Could always use someone like you, when you get out.
Because the way you're going now,
it's Borstal then Strangeways, then a life pissed away.
And I'd hate to see that happen.
You can take those glasses off now.
No, I like them.
Makes me look intellectual, even more intellectual.
We can nip away every so often, be someone else,
like we were today.
So we'd lie about who we are?
Lie's a bit strong.
It's more like we'd have secret identities.
Don't you think, if we have to work that hard to try and hide
something, well, then there's a bigger
problem at the heart of it all.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
I'll give you that, Dom.
Always managed to find faith somewhere.
Come on.
This was a fucking disaster.
Oh, come on, Russell.
You got another shot at the inspection.
Adam Wiggins is out your hair.
And all the teachers are back on Monday.
I believe there's something you want to say to me.
Thank you, Mrs. Tutton.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): Maybe the thing
about our secret identities is that they
might be hidden to ourselves.
Oh, you remind me of that fella.
Who's that?
James Bond?
No, the other one.
Simon Templar, the Saint?
Hurricane Higgins.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): Like the man
who discovered the simple joys of a hard day's work.
On the house.
Oh, cheers.
Hey, you did good today, kid.
They'll be calling this place St. Mimi's before too long.
Shut up.
We'll just do half this time, eh?
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): Or the woman
who found a place a million miles
from where she expected it.
That's a million miles metaphorically, obviously.
Not like she went to outer space,
you know, Mars or something.
Or the boy who grew up and found a brother
that he had more in common with than he'd ever heave realized.
There's room for one more, mate.
Cheers, mate.
Nice to meet you.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): And the man who found love
found a purpose in life.
I'd search for God in the strangest of places,
but found it in her crooked smile, her dolphin blue eyes,
the way her hair hung upon her face.
But didn't realize that wasn't who he was at all.
Are you waiting for someone?
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): He was just a man,
waiting for the girl he loved, who was never going to show.
She told herself that this was for the best, that leaving was
the only thing she could do.
She would just be Gloria again, somewhere else.
[music playing]
[knocking]
Come on, Frank.
Come back out.
Frank.
OK.
Ah, you fucking parasite.
You are a criminal.
Fuck it.
Let's have another go on the swing.