Anyone watching thinking we know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.
So, you've got your Labour, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high--
literally, literally taking the glass from its own roots.
Now you've got your "Con Dem Nation,"
liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,
this green and pleasant land in ancient times--
yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): Age-old question,
answered by many a martyr.
Who is the ultimate authority?
How many politicians do you trust?
How many judges are equipped with the skills of life
to pass just sentences?
Oh!
[moaning]
Bang to rights.
Oh, Mother Mary.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): I know where I used to place my trust.
I thought I knew who I could rely on to do the right thing.
Those poor babies.
Civil war will claim another hundred thousand,
and they're not letting any through.
Going to be worse than Live Aid, this one.
Oh, nothing plumbs the depths like status quo.
A good famine is the life support
of the British music industry.
We'll have a chat on payday.
Begs the question, though.
Famine and pestilence don't prove there's no God.
Bu try telling that to the little pot-bellies.
If he's up there, how is it not a fucking disgrace?
Better off not being born.
For every claim that God wouldn't let this happen,
I can provide 10 arguments invoking
man's culpability and his abuse of the gift of free will.
Ah, free willy!
Every Catholic's get-out-of-jail card.
What free will have they got?
Where's God right now?
Living like that?
Worse than no life at all.
[beeping]
Divine intervention?
Ha!
St. Peter's press office sending their latest spin.
Natural selection, that's all it is.
We will procreate!
Yeah, and knock a few million out of the food chain.
Take care of the rest of us lucky fuckers
by giving us the winning lottery tickets.
Course, you lot change the rules to suit--
there's no genuflecting where truth's involved.
You just incorporate intelligent design--
Come on.
--into God's master plan.
ALICE (ON PHONE): Hiya, this is Alice.
You know what to do, don't you?
--you live where the sand is.
Move where the food is.
You'll be fucking guilty when you
get up there to fucking heaven, and there's nothing there.
And all the fucking money you put in the pot, money that goes
towards the Pope having hand-crafted shoes
made from the genitals of Italian street boys.
Fuck that.
Thursday, your honor?
Your honor?
Corridors of power, Kelly.
Turns me on.
He's only a magistrate.
So what?
Anyone can be one.
- You can't. - Going out!
That's not dressing for "Mortal Kombat" at Macka's!
Something else came up.
Are you two-timing me?
Look at you.
It must be love.
Behave!
It's only the second time we've gone out.
Open's fine.
Hey, no chatting to schoolies, Teesh!
Don't break her heart.
Come, then.
Did you have your chat?
Can't we do it together?
No, because that's even more embarrassing.
They know more about sex than we ever will.
Watching porn on an iPhone isn't going to help
her emotional development.
Were you worried a about her emotional development
when we lay on our tracky top in Sharston woods?
You better do it.
She listens to you.
No.
I said tails.
I always have tails.
Avril!
I hear you!
Jesus.
Alice!
Alice, come on.
[phone ringing]
Alice!
Alice, stop messing about.
Come on!
Alice, come on.
Alice!
Fuck, no.
Alice!
Fuck.
[phone ringing]
Hey, what's wrong?
Where have you been?
Where do you think?
Teesh!
What's he done?
Nothing yet.
Really.
So what's wrong, then?
Maybe I'd like more than two words before he
tries to take my top off.
It's Warren!
Do you know how many girls would love to be in your shoes
right now?
Thought we were eating.
We will.
Just come back inside and have another drink.
Maybe another time.
You don't have to come.
[MUSIC - GYM CLASS HEROES, "STEREO HEARTS"]
I'm really sorry.
You should just get some sleep now.
I impregnated a 16-year-old.
But she lost the baby.
See you later.
All right?
OK.
See you later.
And they wonder why church attendance is down.
I'm sorry for texting.
Oh, no.
Don't be.
I'm glad you did.
I'm glad you got to me.
Maybe you do care.
Of course I do.
Always.
There's still a chance for us, then?
I'm teasing.
Yeah, I know you were.
As ever.
So does being saved mean I've still got a hope of heaven?
I know there's a space with your name on.
On authority from above.
Of course.
You've got direct contact.
This one was a visitation in a dream.
Clear as day.
Said the plot's definitely yours.
But it won't be ready until you're the grand old age of 95.
So probably me you'll hang around till then.
Anything for you.
I think we would have had a little girl.
You will do one day.
She's be walking, talking--
Alice, come on.
You're going to be OK.
He says condoms always split on him.
Ugh!
With that bony ass?
You better believe it.
Tony Baloney pressed all my buttons.
Aren't you worried?
No, I was at the chemist before it even opened.
Where his sister works?
Oh, I know.
I forgot.
She made me feel like a right tramp.
She can talk.
Exactly.
What about catching something?
I made him cover up.
What more can I do?
Not sleep with him on the first date?
People are started to wonder what you're into, whether boys
are really your thing.
Think I care what people think?
Well, I've got to go.
But I'm just saying, it's the 21st century.
Forget prim and proper.
Tony told me to bring Keisha for Warren.
You're getting left behind, girl.
Should have seen the cuts on her arms.
Bet she weighs next to nothing.
So?
Who knows what kind of shit she's dealing with at home.
Which started with me getting her pregnant.
It took two to tango.
She played you.
I saw the gear she used to wear.
Remember what I used to wear?
Sending her money every month is
more than anyone else would do.
Yeah.
You saved her.
Now put it to bed.
Please.
Jamie!
Oi, mate!
No fighting on these premises, eh?
I was going to visit later.
There's no point.
She slipped out last night.
Jumped from the top of the hospital car park.
No.
She's all we had.
[sobbing]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Settling in, Father?
Yeah.
It makes it easy when everyone makes you feel so welcome.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming.
Beautiful service, thank you.
Good morning, Father.
Morning.
The other kids are laughing at her, saying things.
Forget age.
What about when it happens naturally?
Right person, right time.
I just think there's a way of helping her out, making
sure it's not a disappointment.
I'm three months younger than you.
What was so wrong with your first time?
It was perfect, Mr. Lover Man.
Oi, Cloggsy's clouted a transit full of laptops.
Our name's on 50.
Over to the divine sisterhood.
A higher authority.
Laters.
My real first time was a spotty scrote behind the bins
after netball.
Horrible.
So Jackson thinks he's your--
Mm-hmm.
My first was 25, and I was 15.
And?
Mm, he certainly knew a thing or two.
There you go.
If it gives Letitia a better experience,
what's so wrong about it?
Well, I always thought she'd get it on with Aidan.
No.
Can I have a beer and an alcopop, please?
Have you nailed her yet?
Like I'd tell you.
Queer.
Oh, that's a definitely, "no," bro.
[chuckling]
Ow!
What are you doing?
Oh!
Bang to rights.
[knocking]
Oh, hello.
Yes, m'dear.
My first time was with someone older.
There's a lot to be said for experience.
What's with the tag team.
What are you two getting at?
Nothing.
But maybe Warren's worth a second chance?
He sells weed, and he grunts.
You're supposed to want the best for me.
It'll be easier when you go to college.
What will?
To date an older guy.
Maybe one of your lecturers.
Mom.
Once it's over with, there's no awkward boundaries,
no taboos.
Are you OK?
Of course.
Don't worry, yeah?
The genie is out of the bottle, mate.
Kids' heads get battered with sex and shagging
and soon after they've stopped watching "Iggle Piggle."
You've done well she's lasted this long.
You ever bump into the first girl you slept with?
Um-- funerals, weddings.
It was a second cousin.
Shagged it behind a pile of turf at my nana's in Kildare.
You?
All the time.
Where?
Two streets over there.
No way.
Avril was your first?
On my Tacchini tracky.
Turned it inside out to keep it clean.
You've done plenty of splitting up, though, yeah?
Played away once.
You've had two women?
Ever.
What, you think there's something wrong with that?
No, it's-- very noble.
The last one I got off Coggsy was
riddled with that many viruses.
I thought I was going to catch something.
Well, they're sweet, them.
Who's wearing the trousers today?
Nice one.
[chuckling]
What?
I didn't know magistrates could
claim blowjobs on expenses.
We can't.
I've told them you were my life coach.
Which is just about claimable.
Like in boxing?
No.
Someone who helps with strategies
for long-term psychological happiness.
Jeremy Kyle?
Nothing like Jeremy Kyle.
They want to interview you about this.
I struggle with words.
Do you know the reason I choose you?
My specs?
You're a sensitive soul, a rare rose,
a delicate speciality.
I know you can rise to this.
Oh, let me guess.
Texting Manchester's biggest gangster?
Not him.
He's been sacked.
Did you laugh at his shit car?
Mum's treating me to new jeans.
We can get Nando's with the change.
Yeah, defo.
Trafford Centre's open till 10:00.
Oh, I can't go tonight.
I told Sarah I'd go pictures with her.
No worries.
Maybe some other time.
I was thinking, nice and tight.
Hey.
Insomnia must be contagious.
Yeah.
Go on, go back to bed.
Dom, what's that about?
Sanctioned self-harming.
The church was on to that buzz centuries ago.
It's not funny.
Trying to get to where her head was.
To what end?
See what pushed her.
I thought you said she jumped.
Look.
I was mad into her back then.
And now?
We're having a slight difference of opinion.
In the name of the Father, I order you to bed.
Go on.
I'm all right.
Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani.
Eh?
You don't mind, do you?
For fucked with me from the very start.
No dad, no role model.
Is that how you suck us in, do you?
The vulnerable, the needy?
Like some parasite nonce?
All those years I covered for you, lying on your behalf.
How often did I dupe young men and women
struck down in their prime by incurable cancers?
Reassure them-- pray to you, believe,
their journey has a destination.
I was never selfish.
Not once.
'Cause that's how it's suppose to work.
You give when needed, and I trusted that you
would do the right thing.
Hadn't she suffered enough?
Can't you see I'm done with you now?
You're nothing to me.
We're done.
"Surround yourself with persons most like the people
you want to become." - Nearly.
People?
"Most like the person you want to become."
I told him I'd struggle.
What do life coaches wear, anyway?
He told me, smart and casual.
He's paying.
No.
Try another.
"Don't put off being happy--"
"Until some later date."
At last!
A lot of this makes sense, you know?
He called me a delicate rose.
I'll have a glass of your finest red wine,
and one for Frank.
Potius hodie quam cras.
Come again?
School badge-- red wine in the morning, pisspots' warning.
In the name of all wars, genocide, starvation, floods,
earthquakes, disease, suicides, and pointless slaughter,
I salute you.
Anyone else?
Oh, yeah.
In nomine patri--
Enough of this sacrilege.
Where's your respect?
I am now a born-again convert to the word of our Frank.
You shall burn in hell.
No, no.
There is no hell.
No other god than Eric of Cantona.
Eh-hey-hey! Georgi Kinkladze is St. Peter!
Five tonne now, another monkey when the job's done.
Take four weeks of spitting in burgers to earn a grand.
Should be an easy decision then.
Go on.
I need assistance.
With?
Who?
Me.
What?
Suicide.
You were right all along.
Whoa, don't you blame this on me.
Oh, there's no blame, bud.
There's no God for me anymore.
And like you said, living a certain way
is worse than no life at all.
I was speaking about little immigrants!
Spend it on a fight to Zurich.
Get a professional service.
Frank, at least have a think about it.
Go on.
So, how long are they away for?
Just one night.
She's on her own?
No brothers or sisters?
They're with her mom and dad.
Smashed it.
Our man's gonna rattle it all night!
She told me to come prepared.
Scrub up proper.
Aftershave-- you can use my Aramis.
Wash your bellend.
She means condoms.
I'll sort it, on the house.
Well, I want details, yeah?
Size of her nipples, if she's shaved her poonani
or if she's got spider's legs!
Yep-- hear, see, and speak plenty of evil.
Hey, bro!
Did you see that, bro?
She was checking you out.
My man's on fire!
We used to hang around here as kids.
Lovely.
Exploring round here was like a journey to a lost world.
I remember once, a proper sunburst
came through a hole in the roof there,
and lit Jimmy H like an angel.
I was up there, looking down.
It was beautiful.
I felt warm, connect to it all.
Glorious.
Truly.
10 years old, my first mystical experience.
My first holding hands in my love affair with God.
Mm.
So, why end it now?
I never gave doubt any space.
You know, once you do, the questions
on questions on questions, you're
just dragged into a vortex.
So, drink, take enough gear, block the lot--
get so twatted no coherent thought gets through.
Ha-ha!
Now you can start living!
Yeah.
I admire you, Frank.
I'll leave a note for our Gloria to pay you the rest.
Why do you need me?
You kick these away and make sure that I'm dead.
If you get it wrong, I could end up a cabbage in a wheelchair.
Phew, enough of them hanging around my neck already.
Up there?
Full circle.
[chuckling]
Watch it!
You're the one who said you wanted
to be like grown-up friends.
Ooh, touche.
You want me to go out with someone who's experienced?
I just don't want you to be disappointed.
What if he's experienced, but younger?
As long as he's legal.
[chuckling]
He's 16 in a month.
It would be like going with your brother.
As an only child, that means nothing to me.
And how do you know he's done more than even kiss her?
Are you still a virgin?
No, I lost it when I was 12.
It doesn't follow that he's experienced.
Suppose that confidence has got to come from somewhere.
It's just a little matter of where and when.
The way I see it, got no faith,
you only got two choices.
Live with no hope, which brings us here,
or live with no fear, i.e.--
There!
You see that?
Just--
Just do it.
Ugh!
That's a sign!
That fucking hurt.
You've been given a sign.
From who, Frank?
Well, I don't fucking know.
A sign, you know.
Well on the road to Golgotha now.
There's no backing out.
Living a healthier life will enable me to--
Live longer, live more happily, have better energy,
and--
Be more--
Oh, it's gone.
Comfortable with myself.
Christ. - Sorry, I--
How hard can it be?
I-- I--
I--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy. Come on.
Deep breaths now.
Come on.
Now close your eyes.
Imagine you're somewhere special,
and you're doing something that makes you happy.
Now, think of someone with you, someone
who calms and soothes you.
Who do you want that to be?
Now, this person is going to help you through this task.
This person beside you, you can accomplish anything.
Open your eyes.
You feel better?
Yes, thank you.
You can do this.
No, I couldn't hang meself anyway.
I'm a physical coward.
Er--
Frank, get me the biggest bottle of paracetamol
that they've got.
There's no need.
That raspberry in there, she's got her own pharmacy.
Paracetamol, diazepam, tramadol--
get on our settee.
It makes sense to do it somewhere
safe and comfy, familiar face holding your hand
as you drift gently into that good night.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah, of course.
Just give us, you know, half an hour
to fuck Patty off and check that Aidan and Stella are out.
Non-prescription Non-prescriptions,
these don't come cheap.
Oh, what cost your Christian soul?
What's the point if they won't kill him?
He'll still be pissed and fall asleep.
And then what?
I don't fucking know.
Just buys us time to work on him-- just talk him out of it.
Let him get on with it.
Never fecking liked him anyway.
Emo's ruin-- good old paracetamol.
Even if they get there in time to save you,
your liver'll pack up within six months.
Thought everyone was out.
Must be Stella's new cat.
Fucking playing at?
Start thinking like a manager, not a doer.
It's Lillian's randomness that I find most effective.
Visualize your own success.
Yeah, I'd recommend it to anyone with a busier
than average life.
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
Bill Gates.
Pissing and shitting everywhere, it's--
brought some more, in case.
DIY paracetamol?
One's misfortune.
Two's fucking carelessness.
Oh, god, what are the chances of that?
All right, Dom.
Dom, come on.
Get off!
Come on, watch the cat.
You're taking the piss!
Who do you think you're talking to?
You're the gobshite taking the overdose.
Have you any idea what that does to those left behind?
Those boards should have never broke!
Who can I trust?
Me!
Come on, this is where it all starts.
Two of us, afraid of nothing.
Get a grip, shithouse!
Why doesn't that appeal?
Look, you-- think I want my dabs on these bottles?
You go to jail for this shit.
Dom!
I don't know how to say it.
He hasn't even got a bike.
He has.
I don't want to sound like a slag.
You're asking him to come around, not speak, just in case
talking ruins the moment, shag you on a one night stand,
then go back to the way it was?
It's pretty difficult to dress that up any other way.
Give it here.
Something like this.
Maybe.
It's perfect.
Just send it. - I'm scared.
Oh, I don't know why you'd rather him than Warren, anyway.
Gone.
The blue ones are in the wash.
SARAH (ON PHONE): Aw!
What about the gray?
SARAH (ON PHONE): Perfect.
I'm thinking red or black for me.
Yeah.
[beeping]
SARAH (ON PHONE): Aidan, I really want you.
Yeah, can I call you back?
Someone's at the door.
Yes!
Get in!
What difference does it make if I land on one of them?
Take one of them with me.
What point this life you bestowed?
This mind!
This pointless viscera.
Decaying organs, bones, pumping blood.
It means fuck all.
I'm down to the dregs.
Liquid last supper.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Live with no hope, wither
and die, or live with no fear.
Grab life.
Both hands.
Squeeze the living shit out of it.
Slainte.
[glass shattering]
And I can't keep off the toilet.
I've noticed.
Her skirt shouldn't be too short.
Except a bit of thigh gives the right signal.
And what's Aidan gonna be like afterwards?
What if he turns into some psycho-stalker?
What if she does?
How is that helping?
Just softens it a little bit.
You don't mind?
Are you sure you've thought all this through?
You are joking.
Just-- Aidan.
I'm not convinced.
It's too late.
And I've ordered the rohypnol in case he's shy.
Not funny.
I thought this is what you wanted.
Kind of.
Good, 'cause I need Gloria to sort out my bikini wax.
Keisha's done it.
[giggling]
And a little bonus for your performance earlier one.
No, you deserve it.
I learned a lot about myself.
Well, that's all well and good.
But this is still how you earn a living.
Maybe not for much longer.
Good for you.
Turn your business acumen into any number of things.
Throw in your new life skills.
Nothing will stop you.
I'm gonna miss you, though.
There might be no need.
You've got to act if you want something.
That's right.
No point dwelling, thinking what might have been.
Well, you can stop now.
The test is over.
I know you feel it too.
I need to go.
No!
No kissing, please.
- Let me buy you dinner. - Dinner?
I want to shape my own destiny.
And I'm happy for you.
Take control.
Let your rare rose fill you with her scent.
We can get to know each other.
Where?
Maldini's Moston.
I better go home, freshen up a bit.
You smell OK to me.
Look good, feel good.
You want me to be on top form, don't you?
Ravioli.
Half price before 7:00.
Oh, ravioli!
Before 7:00.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
Mm, nice.
No mum?
All of a sudden she's gone squeamish.
Because it's Aidan?
You OK?
Yeah, never better.
It's Letitia's first time.
Oh.
And we sanction this, do we?
Well, Avril's opted for experience over true love,
so you need to make yourself scarce.
Right.
I think you should get some--
help.
Oh, no.
No need.
This bullshit's over.
I'm as clear as I've ever been.
Fuck guilt. Fuck God.
I'm living for me.
His wife might not like the idea.
Who says he's married?
Come on!
Statistically, 90% of them are.
Even if she is, she can't mess with what's meant to be.
[sniffing] - Oh, aye.
Sniffing your pits.
Must be serious.
I'm meeting Letitia.
What, round here?
Watch a film or something.
Our DVD's broke.
Gloria said we could.
I wondered why she was here earlier.
She didn't tell you?
That older kid with the souped-up hairdryer.
Warren?
Yeah, that's him.
About an hour ago.
She was a bit unsure, but he talked her into it.
Bit of a smooth operator.
Have you got a girlfriend?
If she's still speaking to me.
Well, it can get messy so close to home.
Once you take that step, it changes everything.
Never go back to being mates.
Easy come.
Easy go.
Still no sign of him?
I thought you'd gone to bed.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't intrude.
So what's your dad's take on all this?
I don't think he knows.
How long are Even to give him?
Not much more.
That might look a bit keen.
That's what I was thinking.
Do I know him?
Aidan.
Well, he's a very lucky lad.
There's got to be some explanation then, eh?
Probably his girlfriend.
So how come Aidan, if it's all about experience?
Mum was the one going on about that.
Sometimes mums knows best.
You reckon?
Yeah.
Definitely.
You know, I can tell you some of the benefits
if you really want.
Like not getting stuck on a bra strap?
The truly experienced man should always execute
that maneuver with his teeth.
Fingers and thumbs are for the really delicate stuff.
"Build it and he will come."
I know what I need to do.
Forget all this hocus pocus bollocks.
Golden rule number one.
If I focus on the future--
Rule number one.
Lillian?
Never fall for a punter.
Never!
My looks won't last much longer.
More than all of us, you know this
isn't the place to find love.
I can tell Malcolm's different.
We pretend they're special for their benefit.
It gets dangerous if we blur the boundaries.
Let them live with the denial, live that lie every day.
Skulking around behind their wives' and girlfriends' backs.
He's the same as all the others.
So why say I'm a rose?
So you'd try your hardest?
I'll show him.
Thinks I'm a mug?
Receipt for Malcolm Palmer.
- Got it. - Visa?
Mastercard?
Visa.
4921, 81--
Look, the best way, whether he went--
Bloody hell is that?
Excuse me?
Dill-doss?
What's that?
Nobody plays Lillian Tyler.
DOMINIC (VOICEOVER): 40 years of faith and trust and belief,
for what?
What good did the sacrifice do?
What have I contributed to the grand sum
of the human well-being?
Not a fucking jot.
I could mourn the lost time, say it was a waste,
but that's not true.
I got something from it. I got me.
I got the tools I carry that makes me the man I am today.
And that puts me in a good place to wreak some fucking havoc.
I hope you're gone by the morning.
See?
I told you.
I'm good.
[theme music]
SINGER: Bring me sunshine in your smile, bring me laughter--
Morning!
Good morning!
Somebody's popped their cherry!
[chuckling]
Front door and back.
Baptism of fire!
[laughing]
SINGER: Make me happy through the years--