Anyone watching thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about,
needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your labor reclassifying
scum sending prices sky high.
Literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you got your condemnation, liberals
noshing Tories like alter boys picking dim sum.
Haven't we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word?
Or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth Well, for fucks sake,
we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land and ancients
are yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
JACKSON: Like it or not, competition
is the morrow in our bones.
Without it, everything stagnates, people, communities,
society, everything.
As soon as you stop competing, if you rest on your laurels
and what you have, you've lost.
That's why some old bastards refuse to retire, work
on until 70, and 80, and 85.
Because if you stop competing, you'll die.
Competition drives us forward, individually and collectively.
Maybe greed is not good, but competition fucking is.
It's in our DNA.
Fuck sake, Shane?
I told you they won't be here long.
We'll get shot of them, no sweat.
Or alternatively, they'll be here for a while
because we've got no chance of shifting them.
I thought you were frogging them locally.
Everyone who wants one has got one, sometimes two.
People are using them as patio furniture.
Supply and demand, Jackson.
There's a world beyond the Chatsworth.
MIMI: Just want them out my fucking yard.
Makes us a target.
His objection's political.
No, it's not.
Doesn't like robbing from the nice people in the nice houses
there. - Don't like robbing.
Period.
Oy, question time.
Shut the fuck up.
If I go to jail it won't be for renewable energy.
The fucking shame that's sticking in with the noncers.
I think it's lovely.
Place smells of piss and cabbage.
Why be unpleasant?
What did you gain you that little bit of fucking
nastiness just now.
All right.
I take it back.
The place smells of rose petals and Chanel No 5.
Oh, what do you think you're doing?
Well, they re not going to miss them.
Half of them forgot they even smoke.
Redistribute the cigarettes.
Same again all round, please.
Kiss my ass.
What have I done?
Apart from casual theft and abuse of trust?
I think what you're doing is very kind, Patty.
Most of these folks have no one, Loved one's dead or gone,
moved away.
Or just couldn't be fecked with them anymore.
I'll bring you drinks over, Patty.
Thank you.
What's that smell?
JACKSON: Not clambering across anymore roofs.
SHANE: You never did.
You held a ladder.
I clambered across a fucking rooftop.
Whatever.
I'm not doing it.
I want a proper, legit business.
If you want to stay the artful dodger all your life, go ahead.
What are you doing?
Saving myself a job.
They only half to pack it up and take it to the dump.
You can't give it away.
Jackson, it's the end of the day shit
that even we can't get shot off.
Fucking dogs wouldn't it.
Carry on.
It's fine for you.
This is a business.
I allow them a loaf and a bag of stale lettuce
while I ponder away in my sleep tonight.
Again, feel free to continue.
Basic economics, people won't pay for stuff
they can get for free.
Economics my ass.
You're a snob.
Bullocks.
You don't want to steal solar panels from the middle classes,
but you're happy to see this mop starve.
I hate tramps as much as the next man,
but you can't stand by and watch them starve while you bin grub.
Yes, you can.
Word get out you re giving it away,
we won't have a business, or money, or fuck-all.
Go on then.
Ask them for it back.
As of tomorrow, we split what's left down the middle.
Fair enough.
You'll damage us.
No, I won't.
I'll feed a couple of moppets and get to feel
less of a con for a while. What could be better?
Never Put her aunt in a pocket all day.
Started a kitty in the pocket of the change.
Smart as a paint, that one.
RUBY: It's a gender thing.
Men need sex, women choose sex.
Well, it's not a choice for me.
I can't go without.
You can tell by the way you walk.
You know, I'm with Ruby.
We're fighting biology.
Women are more evolved, more developed.
We choose our partners.
Men would fuck a hole in the wall if they had to.
They're like animals with needs.
Shut up.
I'm single.
I'm living in hope of finding the last remaining good one.
Oh, that ship sailed long ago, love.
Last good men, Cary Grant.
MIMI: Open relationship, my ass.
Out.
Just finishing.
Out!
You have needs.
Food, shelter, and basic sanitation.
Would you shag a hole in the wall?
Do you want me to?
We haven't had sex in three weeks.
Well, you're always too tired.
You're asleep before me every night.
And I'm always tired.
When I finish my shift we're going to do some riding.
Place your bets.
Now is your chance to win back some of your cash.
Again?
In the living room.
Someone will steal your effects one day.
We all get old.
KELLY: Someone want to Well me what this is all about?
I won the watch.
Fair and square.
I took it off because I'm retaining water
and my wrists are all swelled up.
Next thing, it's on her wrist.
The mad cow ran out of money and wagered the watch.
I did no such thing.
I extend a hand of friendship to you people.
This is how I'm repaid.
I'm attacked in my own home
I think it's time you all left.
Go on.
Tell me that woman was mistaken.
She barely knows Christmas from Tuesday.
[moaning]
Are they?
Like rabbits.
Running commentary for a, well, good hour now.
My sainted mother.
That was fucking awesome.
You could suck the chrome off an exhaust pipe.
Ow. The fuck?
You're faking it.
I'm not.
I didn't get a chance to spit or swallow.
There's fuck all there.
It's dry as the Gobi.
How long's this been going on?
Don't you love me anymore?
Well, now you're just offending me.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I'll just finish myself off then, shall I?
[inaudible]
Poor boogers have hardly got two brain cells as a group
and you're fleecing them.
It was just a card game.
Sometimes you win.
Sometimes you lose.
They lost.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You were rubbing their cigarettes, with no skill
whatsoever I may add.
Might as well have sounded a klaxon.
A few tubs isn't purses and jewelry.
No, it isn't.
Where do you two get the nerve to try and occupy
the moral high ground?
You, a harlot in the old fashioned biblical sense.
And you, a truanting occasional drug running little asshole.
Hardly paragons of virtue.
Come on, you fucking pricks.
No, you got us wrong.
You're Shane Maguire?
The fucks it to you?
Hi-ya.
What are you doing?
These fuckers are after doing me in.
We just want food.
Food?
Been out of work since summer and we heard you help people.
For fucks sake.
You, help people?
Like Spiderman.
And what were you going to do, Chatsworth ninja?
Fucking meditate them into submission?
It was karate.
It was bullocks.
Let's get some food for these moppets.
Oh, no. That's your lookout.
Fuck all to do with me.
He'll do you a good deal on a solar panel as well, lads.
Hit you harder with the Manchester sun.
Fuck off.
PATTY: She was on a losing streak and accused me-- me--
of dishonesty in an attempt to recover her losses.
But why not give it back?
[inaudible]
Excuse me?
You should be gambling for coppers,
not watches and pills and shit.
It's not fair for the people with, you know, mental.
Dementia or not, a bets a bet.
There's a principle.
And you wonder how come you've got no mates.
I have many close acquaintances.
We'll give you forty for this.
What the fuck's going on?
Excuse me.
Out of my way you fucking tramp.
You were supposed to clear the yard,
not fill it up with the boys and the black stuff.
He's proving a point.
That shit attracts flies.
That he can give away leftover stuff without affecting
the business, or his life.
They kept coming all fucking day.
I thought it'd make more sense to throw it all together,
make a big pot.
So you're Mother Theresa now then?
I'm trying to get shot of the smelly bastards.
Thought this might be a bit quicker.
You want to earn your place in Heaven,
take your spears down to Saint Marks.
Father McGinn runs a kitchen there.
I'm not trying to--
Shouldn't laugh quite so hard.
Peed yourself a little there.
I want my yard back.
Fucking move, you [inaudible].
What do you think?
You're firing blanks?d
- No, don't say nothing, please. - You've got kids.
You can't be.
Well, it's not exactly planned.
Everything as usual.
The sex is fucking mint.
It's just, every time I pull the trigger, no bullets.
Well, maybe you are faking it.
I'd know, wouldn't I?
Men can't fake it.
Of course they can.
Well, this one time I was banging a right dog-ear.
So I'm fucking pounding away and pounding away.
What?
No flourish at the end, you know?
So?
I faked it all.
Oh.
yeah.
Baby.
I'm going to cum.
Did she not know?
No, man.
She was just grateful.
Yeah, she was grateful you got off of her.
Shit.
No, but honestly, the sex is fucking amazing.
And loads of it.
It's just, no spunk.
Maybe I've used it all up.
You can't get tan of them, you know?
MIMI: Get upstairs.
I'm going to fuck you juicy.
I thought you'd gone to work.
Just heading.
Right now.
SHANE: All right. That's the last of them, father.
Stack up the pallets when you're done.
I'll pick them up later.
I can't tell you how grateful we are, Shane.
Oh, I was only going to toss it.
So--
I shouldn't be worrying about where
they've come from, should I? - No.
It's all legit.
Pass it on with a clear conscience.
I'll give your regards to my mom, yeah?
Well, come to the hall later.
See the difference your generosity can make.
If this is to be a regular thing,
you should at least see where your donation goes.
With all due respect father, I'm not naturally
sympathetic to trumps.
The homeless.
Well if you're on your ropes, don't go asking for handouts,
get off your ass, or sort it.
So why help?
Like I said, it was either here or the bin.
Don't make me, [inaudible].
Price tag over sale by, got at least a couple of days in them.
Brie and black grape?
Some [inaudible].
What?
Nothing.
Come on.
It's a job, Lot.
You can't pick and choose.
All or nothing.
- Give you ten for the lot. - Fuck off.
There's 100 items here, easy.
Forty.
This is me being generous.
Can I have this back, please?
Get a lot of sweets for tonight.
[inaudible]
Too late.
What?
Are you joking?
How many times is that?
Three, maybe four.
Anything?
Dry as Gandhi's flip-flop.
Thought so.
I've got friction burns.
Do you want to quit?
Fuck no.
The only way to get over a bad patch
is to hump your way out of it.
Just slap me, face the goose.
Come on.
Jesus, Tish.
Shouldn't you be hanging around street corners drinking cider?
I'm not going to ask.
You're going to have to tell me.
You know how you said I could have Nana's
wedding wring when you died.
When I die. Future tense.
I kind of borrowed it.
Explain kind of.
You're not allowed to wear jewelry to school.
I pawned it.
And they've lost it.
Where's the ring?
She's still got plenty of time to get it back.
She must have altered the receipt.
You know what kids are like.
Where is it?
I may have weight it and sent it off for cash.
Sent to who?
I packed up a whole load of unclaimed second
rate items to one of those companies,
brass4gold.www or something.
It may have got mixed up with that.
You sold my mom's ring on to some trashy scrap merchant?
What I sent was little better than costume jewelry.
Now, you're welcome to the money.
I don't want it.
It's tainted.
Now, if you don't mind.
I'm having my fucking tee.
Lapsang souchong, mind.
None of your Darjeeling crap.
You mental?
No, I'm livid.
What kind of world is it where a poor pensioner
can't eat her cake in peace?
There must be a cancellation clause, a declaration.
I signed all the forms.
It's above board.
It wasn't yours to sail.
You stole it.
How dare you.
I want the ring back, or I'm going to the police.
They'd laugh at you.
I'll be with you in five minutes, mate.
I'm just looking for my wife's engagement ring.
Fuck.
Newsie, yogurt, bio-thingy, freshly squeezed orange juice,
fresh coffee, and for dessert, a little bit of you, [inaudible]..
Oh, really?
All day.
I have been stuck here for hours.
Leave before she gets her [inaudible]..
Horn out.
You ready for the next round, lover?
Baby?
I've got no spunk.
For weeks I keep cumming and cumming.
And everything's great, but nothing comes out.
I'm totally dry.
I'm spunkless.
FATHER MCGINN: Are you sure this won't affect your business.
SHANE: I'm determined it won't.
My partner's laughing up his cuff at me.e
Might have a point.
Can't afford to show weakness in business these days.
SHANE: We do all right.
Whoops. Sorry guys.
You're too late.
We're eaten out of house and home.
Sally Army and Langley run a kitchen till 9:00, though.
Quite a bit still left there.
Would have done them.
We need to establish boundaries
or it get unmanageable.
Feed those guys now and two more will be along in half an hour,
then three more an hour after that.
You end up a 24/7 cafe.
Besides, it helps people in their situation to have
some structure, some rules.
Helps give shape to their day.
Well, I don't know how you do it.
I wouldn't have the patience.
Same time tomorrow, padre.
Yep.
How are we today?
Mind if I join you?
Keep it to yourselves, but you'll never believe who
I saw doing the walk of shame.
Give it a rest, Patty.
Not interested.
There's tea in the pot.
I've been made redundant.
Did you hear?
It would seem I'm to be made a scapegoat
for all sorts of the pent up bitterness from every quarter.
Little more than victimization.
And me, a senior citizen with special needs.
Not sure my health is up to it.
26 people you stole from.
That's the ones we know about, some
in a far worse state than you.
And not a word of fucking remorse.
I'm sorry, all right?
If that's what it takes.
Maybe I'm being punished by you-know-who.
I fuck too much.
I've enjoyed it more than I should.
Sex is a gift from God, baby.
You're supposed to enjoy it.
All those little e Rain Man thoughts
running about up there.
Don't think, just do.
Actually that might be the worst thing you can do.
If you don't mind me butting it in.
It's kind of personal, father.
Don't call him father.
He's not even practicing.
Just some random bloke who wants to talk about my spunk.
- I know something about this. - What?
[inaudible] spunk.
We could use the help.
Is something bothering you?
You know, making you anxious?
I don't think so.
You happy in your life?
You know, your marriage?
I love Mimi, right?
Don't ever say that.
The spouse is right.
You don't have to over think these things.
It's a bodily function. - Right.
This is a private conversation.
It's not an uncommon problem.
The pair of you come around to mine later.
Soon I'll have you sorted.
You're late.
Sorry me partner was busy walking on water.
Should have come earlier.
It's all gone. - What is?
Everything.
Frog juice, bakery, ready meals, about an hour ago.
I'm not following.
Manager brought the bloke down,
go us to load it into the van.
Suppose have it ready for collection,
same time every day.
What bloke?
The priest from St. Mark's.
He gets all the sell by from now on.
Totally gratis.
I've got too. [inaudible]
No way are these [inaudible] for a day.
Well it says 10 on a packet.
Yeah, and made in Uzbekistan.
Oh, for fucks sake.
I'll be gone before you know I'm here.
I've come to collect my things.
Yeah, I've boxed them up.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Did someone throw that at you?
Don't matter what she did, throwing things at an old lady
is not right.
No, it's not.
I fucking told you.
How was I supposed to know we'd get done over by a priest?
You've cost me my living.
You've lost our business.
Because you had to get one over me
and feel good about yourself?
It's fuck all to do with that, and you know it.
Basic common sense.
You give something for nothing and people
will grab it off you because you put no value on it.
That's not entirely true, is it?
You gave it away.
You valued the business at nothing.
So now we have nothing.
I mean, look at this place.
You're not a businessman.
You're a petty thief slash rag and ball man.
You fucking klepto [inaudible].
There's got to be some kind of mistake, all right?
He's a priest.
How many times?
You cannot get a tan from a solar panel.
Jesus!
Thinks he knows everything.
Mhm.
Night.
Why'd you do it?
I never thought they'd return for their goods.
Most don't.
Glad to get what little we can give them.
I never asked you to explain the opportunity.
I asked why.
You and Marty will be making a life for yourselves some place.
And Aidan has his future ahead of him.
Which leaves me with Frank Gallagher.
And who's going to look after me then?
Bollocks.
Don't kid a fucking kidder.
This isn't about a rainy day fund.
Don't keep lying, Patty.
Much like yourself, it's getting old.
MIMI: An ejaculation.
It's a condition.
Try cumming.
Am I done?
Well don't be fucking soft.
Dominic was right.
It's anxiety.
Your jizz Is worried about coming out.
What the fucks that?
An electro-ejaculater, a gift from a grateful psychiatric
nurse back in the day.
I wiped it down with him.
How's it work.
It stimulates the prostate gland.
Milks the man essentially.
Is the prostate the one at the back of the throat?
The other one.
Fuck.
All right, baby.
Is it in?
Likes to keep himself nice and clean.
MIMI: He's a stickler.
Kind of ironic, really.
Considering your such a big fan of back door this,
back door that.
Fuck me.
Love this.
Wonder how long it will take.
That should do it.
I put some credit on that.
So if you need me, ring.
But don't take the piss.
Get to fucking school.
I'm going.
This was on the step.
Has your name on it.
KELLY: They're going to make you repeat, you know?
You'll be in school until you're fucking 24.
They do that?
Oh, my!
Jesus Christ!
It's shit.
It's human shit.
How do you know?
Be my guest.
No.
How many pallets is that?
What a baster.
I am fucking having him.
No violence.
Makes him a victim.
Gets him sympathy.
Sympathy keeping you warm, is it?
Dick.
SHANE: You stitched us up.
You said it wouldn't affect your business.
There is no business anymore.
You've taken it.
Shut us down.
All's fair in love, war, and business.
It's a brilliant idea, making use
of what greedy corporate giants throw away.
You couldn't buy publicity like this.
How kind they are.
How humane.
Everyone's a winner.
Except us.
Collateral damage.
Think of it as a sacrifice for the greater good.
That business was our livelihood.
Not much of a business, living off scraps.
I'm sorry, mate.
I was wrong.
I owe you an apology.
But I will make it up to you.
I hope that's not a threat.
Threats, now that is my business.
What are you going to do then?
I'm going to clamor him.
McGinn is one of the good guys.
Old skill mind, bit Old Testament.
Not big on tolerance.
Not big on tolerance?
What do you mean?
Well he's been at St. Macks For 27 years.
You know, one parish at a time.
Thank you.
Used to be a smart area.
He hates the fella.
It's not know.
He said it was that much sweating through his pores.
So he doesn't tolerate who?
Anybody who doesn't meet his exact same standards.
Put your pen down. Don't be a loser all your life.
Sent it back.
No questions asked.
Can I have it back now?
Listen, when I'm dead.
That's when you can have it back.
Fuck.
Call an ambulance.
Quick.
MAN: Have you checked her pulse?
So are we supposed to you this every time we--
No, baby.
Emergencies only.
Am I fixed?
I don't think you are.
There's nothing wrong with you physically.
It's in your head.
Something's bothering you so much
that you don't want to do that with me.
That's not true.
Subconsciously.
It's in your head.
I know you think you love me.
I do.
Maybe what you really want deep down
is to be with girls your own age.
Like that bit of stuff you were hanging all over at the pool
table the other night.
She was just a mate.
There's something blocking your pipes.
And I don't want to get in your way.
You're not in the way.
They're in the way.
All the girls you make me see.
I don't want to sleep with anyone else.
I just want to be with you.
Don't cry, please.
I married you.
And I only want to be with you.
What's wrong?
I just cum in my pants.
JACKSON: What you need him for?
He's not a manager.
He's an assistant.
MIMI: I've never really seen him cry before,
not properly sobbing tears.
That's got to be a good thing.
He's able to express himself, let his failings out.
It's the other thing that worries me.
It seems to be unblocked everywhere.
You know, he's clearly been holding it all in.
Love you, baby.
Thank you, babe.
We don't want any trouble.
No trouble from me, Padre.
I just want you to know I'm on to you.
Good for you.
Man in your position has a lot to lose.
It's a pity.
I won't be intimidated.
Wait.
I will go to the police.
There is nothing you can legitimately--
You're a bigot.
Huh?
No blacks, no Asians, no gays.
It's not true.
We care for all colors, creeds, and sexualities here.
Bollocks.
I know the sting of bigotry.
I have experienced the sharp end of prejudice.
So don't think you can play that card with me.
You used to be black, did you?
I'm a homosexual, as it happens.
I don't practice, of course.
That would be sinful.
Now that is fucked up, for a start.
Do you mind?
I can't open the door to everybody who comes knocking.
We'd be swamped with the wrong type.
The wrong type?
I don't care about gay or straight, creed or color,
I'm talking about you people.
You filthy fucking people with their crime,
and your drugs, and your constant breeding,
always breathing.
You should all be sterilized.
Like I said, a bigot.
This was a good idea, schools, houses, nice roads.
But then the underbelly had to be given a chance.
Good people are supposed to be protected from your kind.
The wrong type, yeah?
Yes, the wrong fucking type.
Well, maybe, all the wrong type
could live in the same place.
Maybe get them a little uniform.
Stripes?
Little yellow star?
That is beneath you.
But not beneath you apparently.
Now I'm guessing this could be the wrong kind of publicity.
Meet Mr. [inaudible].
I believe his employer supplied today's food stuffs.
Blackmail?
That's, uh, rather crass.
But effective.
All is fair in love, war, and business, Padre.
You really don't want to?
No.
I hate sleeping with other women.
I only do it because you make me.
You're my wife, and I want to fuck you.
Then let's end this open relationship thing.
Let's just be you for me and me for you.
Are you sure?
Of course I am.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
So, you can have your job back.
Clerical duties only, one your back on your feet, so to speak.
I'm very grateful.
it may be a while.
Give you some peace.
I have no evidence whatsoever for what I'm about to say.
So you're off the hook either way.
Bag of flour, turd in an envelope,
tragic fall from your chair from which
you made a miraculous recovery.
What are you--
No protests. No denials.
If I licked my finger and wiped it across your eye,
how would your bruises be then?
You are a devious, conniving, old fraud.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
Of course you don't.
from one tough bird to another, if it stops here,
your secrets safe.
Understood?
Competition is a good thing.
It provides motivation and incentive.
So Chris [inaudible] and his giant thighs
didn't get onto the Olympic podium
because it's the taking part that counts.
But everyone has to start with the same chance.
That's how a society moves forward, black,
brown, white, straight, gay, confused, except the jocks,
of course.
If there's one thing I hate more than the Irish
it's the fucking jocks.
[music playing] - That's it.
Plugged in. Fill your boots.
MIMI: Dirty, filthy, Geiger counter
probe up your ass, nasty boy.
Oh, there she blows.
Oh.