Anyone watching thinking we know
fuck all about fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high--
literally, literally taking the glass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation.
Get Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,
this green and pleasant land in ancient times--
yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
[music]
MARTY (VOICEOVER): Depressing thought number 261,
you can never truly know somebody,
what they're really thinking and feeling.
No matter how hard you try, you'll never be totally sure,
never truly know.
You'll always be strangers.
Depressing thought number 262, you will never join that gym.
You will never have a six pack.
You will always feel a vague sense of self-loathing
every time you undress.
Number 263, you will never be as young as you are right now.
See that moment that went by?
That was it.
It's gone.
And now you're older.
You can never go back.
Number 264.
Everyone you know will die.
Sometimes suddenly, sometimes not.
Sometimes they just slip away.
And sometimes go out in a blaze of glory.
There will come a day when you see them for the last time.
You probably won't know it.
No warning, no big fanfare.
Just one day they'll be there, and the next--
[tires squealing]
Gone.
Right in front of me.
Another inch, that could have been me.
Bang, dead.
Did you never learn your Green Cross Code?
Always look both ways.
He was heading on in here as well.
That's lost revenue.
It's a person we're talking about here, Lillian,
not some fucking number on a spreadsheet.
Eddie McGuinness, 35.
Likes girls in PVC and stockings.
Have you anything to add to that?
No.
Well, hush up and drink your tea, then.
Deep breaths.
It's just-- it makes you think,
doesn't it, how fleeting life is, how you've got
to make the most of it.
Suppose.
Which is why I've got something to ask you.
Mm?
Is there any chance of another cup of tea?
[shouting]
Don't worry.
Not his wife, just his sister.
Oh, thank fuck.
I thought for a minute I was the other woman then.
You're just another gullible tart he'll barely
remember when he wakes up.
Only difference between you and Kleenex
is, he probably had to buy you a drink first.
You can see yourself out.
You are my sunshine--
- I'm your what? - No, not you.
Slut!
Oh, so I'm not your sunshine.
I'm just your slut. - Shit.
Sorry, no.
I'm just a bit all over the place here.
I saw it, you know.
Milkman versus postman.
Fucking terrible. Shook me up, it did.
I had my chance, and I blew it.
Like a twat!
He's up to summat.
Who?
Marty.
He's got that look.
That matches, smoke, and flame one.
Nah.
He's way past that, isn't he?
He's in the toilet.
Fucking hell, Karen.
Maybe he's having a piss.
Let's dial 999, shall we?
Or maybe he's planning his own personal bonfire night.
So unless you want this place burning down again,
get your ass into the gents.
Kel, you are my sunshine.
My starlight.
My-- world.
Will you do me the great honor of being my-- shitflaps!
Marty, everything all right in there, mate?
Marty!
Oh!
I've lost it!
I've lost it, Jamie.
Jamie, I've lost it!
I've lost it!
"Miss you.
Can't stop thinking about you.
Wish you were here.
Love you so much."
I mean, come on.
Pays 60 quid a pop, always comes on me tits and me face,
and he thinks that that's love.
That's nice, dear. Yeah.
Then the dickhead only gets me name tattooed on his arm.
Sherry. Sherry!
It's not even my real name, stupid twat--
[chimes]
Hello?
Girls?
Are you the spirit of Eddie, that poor postie?
I'm just a fucking dog, love.
Now hurry up and open that letter.
Come on, darling.
--that doesn't spell romance to me, not when half
of A&E are sniggering at you.
- I've had one of my visions. - What?
The spirit world talking to me,
a message from the other side.
A warning.
Like glass it will break, a bond it will take.
She will shed not a tear for a storm, it draws near.
Is that JLS?
Lil, where are you going?
I need to spread the word before disaster strikes.
Also, we're out of batteries for the dildos.
When I woke up, I just knew today was the day.
And then I saw the postman get splattered,
and, well, it was like a sign.
Yeah, a sign we're getting a new postie.
So what does flushing the ring down the lavvy mean?
It means I'm a fucking loser.
It might still be in there, mate.
The toilets are all backed up.
I've been meaning to get a plumber to sort it.
I've got short arms.
No way.
Please!
I love her, Jamie!
Fenian cunt!
I just wanted it to be perfect.
Like she is, but no, I'm gonna be alone.
'Cause I've got stupid fucking short arms.
You stupid bastard short-ass fucking arms.
Marty.
Just give me a minute, yeah?
Yeah.
- So? - Don't ask.
Jamie!
Seriously, don't ask.
[vibrating]
[ringing]
Hero!
God amongst men.
I'd shake your hand, but--
This never happened.
I got the ring back.
It's another sign. [ringing]
It means everything is going to work.
Everything's going to be OK.
[continued ringing]
WOMAN (ON PHONE): So is 2:00 OK or not?
Listen, I'm willing to have a look at it,
but I don't want any more of that American lite piss,
all right?
WOMAN (ON PHONE): That's a yes then?
I'd have more success shifting me own urine.
WOMAN (ON PHONE): Uh-oh.
Here comes the dirty talk.
Fine.
Yeah, we'll talk about it later, yeah?
Fucking brewery.
Still trying to pass off that weak shit to us.
I could go if you want.
No, it's all right, babes.
No sweat.
That's a great man you've got there, Karen.
One of the good'uns.
Love.
Fucking love.
It's amazing, isn't it?
It's fucking amazing.
I've got something I need to ask you, about Kelly.
I want to propose to her.
And you've come here to ask my permission?
Well, it's not up to me who that tart hooks up with.
But you were married to her before.
If she wants to choose a little creepy pyro over me,
it's her choice, isn't it?
That's all in the past.
Well, what is the past, Marty?
You see, some schools of thought think that it doesn't exist.
Everything happens concurrently.
So while we're stood here chatting,
there's another Marty, watching his wife
and kids burn to death.
[spitting]
I'm sorry.
Fuck off!
That was way below the belt.
Is that really what people think?
That I killed Sue and the kids?
Because it wasn't like that.
I wasn't even there.
Nobody thinks you did it.
I was just being a dick.
You did nick my wife after all.
Should just get a taxi stand outside the house
for all the gullible girls he brings back home every night.
Better than having to do the walk of shame down Chatsworth.
I need a favor.
Does it involve cash?
No.
Then I'm listening.
I need you to cover for me at the Jockey.
Yeah, of course.
Can you be there before 2 o'clock?
Why?
What's happening at 2 o'clock?
I don't know.
But Jamie does, and I'm going to find out.
Sorry, I'm not following you.
He's got this text from "the brewery."
It's god kiss, kiss, kiss at the end.
That's nothing.
I've been getting these feelings,
and they just keep building and building.
It's probably some dolly-bird who works for the brewery
and who just texts like that.
Look at me.
Look at me!
Jamie loves you.
Now, stop doing this to yourself.
Morning.
Huh!
It breathes, it walks, but is it human?
Barely.
Two types of men in this world.
Men like my dearest brother, and then there's
the rare ones, like your Jamie.
The ones who are worth it.
Idiot.
Stupid fucking idiot.
[retching] Oh!
This isn't a spectator sport.
I think I maybe need your help.
Or spiritual guidance, that sort of thing.
God have mercy on your soul.
Excuse me.
[retching]
Mirrors?
Nah.
Haven't broken any.
Now you're sure?
The prophecy was quite specific.
It's a prophecy now?
Because before it was just a message.
Those of us who have the gift are often mocked and shunned.
Look, just if I was going to spend the effort sending
a message to the other side, I'd make it
coherent and straightforward.
Not a shitty poem.
20 menthol, Ches.
You see?
That's a message.
No mistaking it.
20 menthol.
None of this "for a storm draws near" bollocks.
You had another one of your visions?
A dog brung it.
Didn't you also predict that the world would end in 2009?
A cat told me that one you can't trust them cats.
Afternoon.
Oh, congratulations, by the way.
Marty.
You not over that?
No, I-- yeah, I mean the--
you know.
Oh, bollocks.
Shane.
I said nothing, right?
Right, I'm off to see the brewery rep.
See if you can get us a bit of a discount, then.
Yeah, I'll try and get pigs to fly and hell
to freeze over too.
Is it a man or a woman?
Who, the rep?
He's a bloke.
Why?
Nothing.
Question, that's all. - Come along if you want.
Should be gripping stuff.
Nah, you're all right.
OK.
I've got the ring, and I've got the speech.
But then I see her--
I bottle it.
You're a priest.
You must have married loads of people.
Ah. I see.
So you're asking me if I think that you and Kelly
are right for each other.
No.
I mean, you can't make her happy, Marty.
Chances are she'll turn you down,
or she'll run off before the wedding happens.
Or a month or two down the line, you'll go into an empty house
and you'll see a lipstick message on the mirror.
"Goodbye."
That's all she wrote.
I thought priests were meant to make people
feel better about themselves.
Look at you, Marty, right, and look at her.
Imagine the things that she's done to make her money,
men she's held in her arms.
Kissed, fucked, sucked. And ask yourself why.
You know, why in all that's holy would she choose you?
Out of all them men, why would she choose little twitching,
stuttering Marty Fisher?
Fucking twat!
Marty!
Eh!
Good lad.
What?
You don't give a shit what anyone thinks, right?
Not me, not your family, not your friends.
It's not about us.
It's about you and her.
That's all.
Do you love her?
And does she love you?
Then that's it.
You ask her.
Ask her to marry you.
And buy me another drink. Actually, do that first.
You know, priorities.
Will you do our wedding?
Make it a double whisky, and I'll throw in some tap dancing
as well.
What's wrong with you today/
Sorry.
Can I get a big whisky, please?
[knocking]
You alone?
We've got to be more careful.
Yeah, we will be.
Look, you know the rules.
And I get it.
It's not easy for you sometimes.
Sorry?
It's just, I've got the wife and kid,
and you're sort of stuck here alone, aren't you?
What?
You're feeling sorry for me?
No, I just--
I didn't mean it like that.
I mean, I understand you.
Such a great guy.
[knocking]
Have you broken and mirrors?
What?
Look, I'm busy.
Middle of a complex perm.
See, I've had this vision, and I'm asking everybody.
It's important.
Well, I've had this vision too, Lillian.
Your nose is bleeding, and my knuckles are sore.
Want to find out how it happens?
I'm only trying to save some souls.
Bye.
My sunshine, my starlight, my world.
What do you think?
Is sunshine better first, or starlight?
I think any woman who won't marry you
because you put one in front of the other
isn't worth marrying, Marty.
I just want it to be right.
[door opening]
Now's your chance.
Shit.
I can't do it.
Not here, not now.
Kelly, how are you?
Something you want to tell me?
No.
Don't think so.
You sure?
Do you-- want a drink?
How about "Do you want to marry me?"
Yeah, I know about it.
I also know you've been avoiding me all day.
That's right, ninja-boy, I saw you hiding.
So, what is it?
Cold feet?
You think I'm not good enough for you?
No.
Fuck no.
It's just-- I wanted everything to be hearts and flowers, and--
a perfect moment, just for you.
It's life, Marty.
There's no such thing as a perfect moment.
Go on then.
What?
Here, now?
Kelly Ball, you are my sun--
Yes.
What?
Yes!
[cheering]
[MUSIC - HOOVERPHONIC, "MAD ABOUT YOU"]
Trouble is my middle name, but in the end I'm not too bad.
Can someone tell me if it's wrong to be so mad about you?
Mad about you.
It's a big step.
I hope you're as happy as me and Mimi are.
I tell you what, that woman-- you're about to do it again,
aren't you? - What?
Won't
You know, start talking about me mam,
tell me how fantastic in bed she is.
Let me save you some time, eh?
Ah!
He's in love.
And love's the most important thing in the world.
There's only one thing I want to know.
I promise you.
I'll love her, cherish her, honor her--
No, no, no, no.
Are we going to have a party tonight or not?
Party!
[cheering]
She said yes, then?
I want your best champagne.
And banners, streamers, the works!
Nothing's too good for my girl.
I don't know about the streamers and banners,
but we can stick up the Christmas
decorations if you like.
Brilliant.
Everyone loves Christmas.
I'm going to change into me party dress, then.
You're back early.
Yeah, I got halfway there, and the twat calls to say
he couldn't make it today.
Cheers for that.
You all right?
Yeah.
Never better.
Wait, Kel!
It's all right.
I meant it.
I'm going to change.
I'm not running out on you.
No, it's about the ring.
It was my grandmother's.
But it was Sue's as well.
She chucked it at me when we split up.
And I kept it because I wanted to give it to someone
who truly deserved it.
You see, my nan and granddad, they
were together till they died.
You're telling me you've used this ring before?
Proposal, marriage, the whole thing?
I'll buy you a different one if you give me the time
to get the money together.
I'll get you the biggest, brightest diamond I can afford.
It's romantic.
What?
You want me to have this for the right reasons.
I get it.
It's-- romantic.
I know.
It's like "Beauty and the Beast,"
if the Beast had a thing for torching houses and shouting,
wanker!
They just seem a bit wrong for each other, don't they?
Not like me and you, babe.
She's had more cocks than Bernard Matthews.
Good luck to him.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Can't you just be happy for them?
Oh!
Oh, don't you dare fall on me.
Heh, I'll do my best.
Do you think I'm fucking stupid?
What?
I said, do you think I'm fucking stupid?
What the fuck has gotten into you?
You.
Getting into my fucking husband.
Me and Jamie?
Are you crazy?
I don't know.
Something isn't right, and it's driving me mad.
And I don't know what is worse.
If it's true, or if--
Or if it's all in your head?
OK.
So, one way or another, we will find out.
Well, someone must have broken a mirror.
And as I've told you before, it's none of us.
But my vision--
Overactive imagination.
I have the gift.
Well, you should take it back to the shop, then.
Respect for your elders and betters.
The boy's right.
I'd hang onto the receipt if I were you.
Damaged goods.
[chuckling]
You're not going to fuck this one up, Kel.
You're not gonna fuck it up, right?
[whistling]
Princess Kate in the house.
You look very passable, dear.
Thank you.
More importantly, this party of yours tonight.
I am right in understanding there will
be free beverages available?
Only because I want all the drinking,
drugs, fucking, and fighting out of the way tonight.
I am having a proper wedding.
I don't want anybody wiping blood and vomit off the pews.
You're getting married in a-- a church?
Oh.
Well, they do say the Lord is very forgiving, even
of the blackest of sheep.
Bin.
What's happened to these?
Pah!
Vernon Francis Gallagher happened.
Every one bill that comes through the door now.
Says he's fighting his system.
This isn't a bell.
It's for your Marty.
Eh, you can't do that.
Eh!
That little sponger gets his post sent here.
It's fair game.
What?
This is from one of Marty's kids.
Get Jamie alone and then make a move on him.
It's not rocket science.
Look, I would do this, OK?
But I am related, and I think it would just creep him out.
Karen, I thought we sorted this out.
It's just this little voice in my head, yapping away.
Get a grip and tell it to fuck off.
Please.
I need to be sure.
Marriage isn't easy.
It's about compromise.
It's about trust.
It's about suppressing things knowing you can't always
be right, even when you are.
People say it's a roller coaster,
but it's more of a ghost train.
But it's good, right?
I mean, you wouldn't change it for the world.
Welcome to the club.
- There you go, love. - Thank you.
All right?
Karen knows.
What?
Or at least she suspects something.
She sent me in here to test you.
You're kidding me.
No, Jamie.
Right, so you go back out there,
you tell her what a good boy I am, and it's business as usual,
yeah?
Well, how do you think this makes me feel?
Hey.
Like I told you before, I understand.
It's not easy for you.
So we'll be more careful in future.
Right?
Now, go on.
So?
Seriously, you've got nothing to worry about.
Like I said, you've got a good man in there.
It just says his kids have been looking for him.
I mean, most of it's all burnt, but there's--
an address in Spain.
It just doesn't make sense.
You have to show him the letter.
But what if it means his wife, his kids,
they're all still alive?
Marty would still want to be with you, no matter what.
Unless, of course--
Unless, of course, what?
It just seems strange.
He said they were all dead.
His wife, his two little children.
I'm sure that's what he believed.
At least, I hope it is.
Because if he lied about this, then
God knows what other dirty secrets he has tucked away.
But I'm sure it's all an honest mistake.
It happens all the time.
Where are your wife and kids, Jim?
They're dead.
Oh.
Wait, no, they're not.
They're in Sainsbury's, doing the shopping.
And there'll be someone out there for you too.
Of course there's someone out there for her.
There's a fucking busload if she wants it.
Traffic jams up and down the M60, tits and ass like that.
No.
I-- I just meant the one.
That's such bollocks.
There's no such thing as "the one."
Ahem.
Oh, go suck a Fisherman's Friend.
Well, I think it's very sweet, because the view from here
is usually a sea of glum and tormented faces.
So it's very nice to see a smile.
Wedding's off.
Kel, what's going on?
What's happened?
Your fucking kid, Marty.
You lied.
Sympathy, was it?
"Aw, they died in that fire."
Poor fucking Marty.
Don't you fucking touch me.
Don't fucking look at me.
And don't ever fucking talk to me again.
Kelly?
Marty?
MARTY: [sobbing]
You all right, mate?
[sobbing]
Lillian here?
She's out on a mission. You know, the gift.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm back.
Next customer's mine, all right?
There's a rota.
Well, fuck the rota.
You can't just come and steal punters off the rest of us.
I'm fucking working, so get the fuck out of my way.
Sorry, Kel. Just business.
Slag.
Marty?
Hello?
He's gone.
Fuck.
Miles away.
Maybe the lad just needs some spiritual guidance.
I learned this one in the seminary.
It's the short, sharp shock.
Oh!
Jesus.
Snakes with fucking tits.
And we're back.
Thank you.
So what does it say?
Last month, from Spain.
It's got a return address and everything.
I don't know what to do.
Well, most folk will tell you the right thing to do
is to jump on the next plane and head over there.
But there's no way of knowing.
I mean, that letter could have been to tell you to stay
the hell away, no matter what.
Not like the Good Book offers much help.
Even the big man upstairs more or less
abandoned his kid, at least until the Romans
started hammering nails into his hands and feet.
This idea that we're supposed to be there for our kids,
that we're needed, even nature thinks it's bollocks.
The number of animals who quite happily kick their brood out
to fend for themselves-- look, at the end of the day,
you've got to ask yourself one question.
Are you doing more damage than good?
Come on.
Casting our pearls here.
If you're going to switch off, then that's fine.
But let me know.
I'm not a bloody jukebox.
Everything's out of my control.
I want it to burn.
This place.
The estate.
You.
Everyone.
I need to be stopped.
SINGER: If I had a million dollars or 10--
2.50.
Hey.
Don't look now, but, um, I think Gloria just made
a move on me in the back room.
Really?
Yeah.
I know she's your mate and all that, but--
No, I'll have a word on her.
Just-- don't go too hard on her, eh?
She seems a bit lonely.
- What? - I said "nice one."
On the engagement.
Yeah, put it there, mate.
Can I have a--
Headache, eh?
All the excitement.
No, I meant--
Is it all right if I use your toilet?
Normally no.
But seeing as today's your special day, go on.
Here you are.
Just don't leave a mass.
You don't know what it's like up here.
The fucking grind, day after day.
It's never ending.
I actually envy you.
Is that bad?
It's not bad.
Fucking stupid, though.
Recommended does, two.
Fuck you, recommended dose.
Fuck.
No!
[sobbing]
So, you've come to gloat, then?
Nah.
Not my style, to be honest.
Totally your style.
Don't fuck this up.
He lied to me.
He worships you.
I saw his face, Kel, when you broke the news.
Poor bastard didn't have a clue.
He thought they were dead too, you know.
Why are you sticking up for him?
Because I love you.
Fuck's sake.
We can try again.
You don't want that.
You want to get fucked up and ruin everything.
Like you always do.
I thought you'd change, you know?
Because of Marty.
I have.
Bollocks.
No, I have.
Tell you what, fuck it.
Let's do it.
Right here, next to the old memorial tree.
That'll show everyone, won't it?
All right.
You've made your point.
Good.
Won't say no to a handjob, though.
One in a million, your mam.
One in a million.
Hey, are you OK?
I was just going to take all the paracetamol at once.
Overdose.
Just finish it here and now.
But I Dropped them down the toilet.
Clumsy twat, butterfingers!
Wait.
I was going to walk in on your body?
Selfish twat, more like.
You know why I used to burn things?
Because I wanted some measure of control.
You know, to be responsible.
But I was wrong, because the world
is chaotic and unpredictable and stupid.
And that's why it's beautiful.
All right, all right.
And when I saw the postie get hit by the milk van,
I thought--
I thought it was a sign for me to move things forward,
to make the most of time.
But it wasn't.
It was a sign to embrace the chaos.
Mate, I'm pretty sure it was neither.
Just one poor bastard getting hit by another poor bastard.
You know what?
You're probably right.
Marty, you still owe us for the paracetamol.
Wait.
Fuck it.
Wedding present.
On the house.
Listen, Marty--
Give me your hand.
I am not letting you get away from me.
I love you, Kelly.
And you love me.
And that's why your bags are packed?
That's why you're going, right?
My son could still be alive.
I have to find out what happened.
Wrong finger.
What?
Engagement ring, you put it on my right finger.
Right is wrong.
Bollocks.
And we've got the engagement party.
I'll be back.
Just wait one more day.
I don't want you to go, Marty.
I was so scared--
scared of being hurt by you.
But I want it.
To be hurt, to be happy, to be--
To be everything with you.
I'll be back.
You know that, right?
It's a promise.
I'll be back.
A little early for Halloween.
I'm taking you to your engagement party.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
If you think I'm going in there alone.
[screaming]
That is what your self-pity sounds like to me.
Honest to God, that boy Marty loves you, and you love him.
And everyone round here knows he would shift heaven
and earth to come back to you.
And if that is not a cause for celebration,
I don't know what is.
Don't let me get too drunk, eh?
Thank Christ.
The thought of missing a free bar.
I don't understand.
I've got the gift, I've got the warning,
but poor Kelly and Marty still got heart-broken.
It weren't for them, you daft cow.
It was for the other couple.
You were meant to save them.
What, the black ones?
The good-looking fellow and his wife.
No, Frank and Patty aren't a couple.
They just share a house.
You silly dog.
You stupid cow.
See you next year, love.
MARTY (VOICEOVER): Depressing thought number 265,
you might wait all your life for that special person,
but even if you do manage to find them,
they might be waiting for someone else.
266, good times don't last forever.
Friends don't stick around.
At the end of the day, you're in this alone.
It's over.
Don't worry.
I told you, we just need to be more careful, that's all.
No, Jamie.
It's over.
I thought I was hating what I'd become, but no.
It's like they say.
It's not me, it's you.
MARTY (VOICEOVER): You've been betrayed.
Knife in the back from those you thought you could trust.
[MUSIC - ROLLING STONES, "WINTER"]
Depressing thought number 267, everything you know is wrong.
But you know what?
Fuck them.
Fuck all those bad thoughts.
Because this-- this is happy thought number one.
I will be back.
Sometimes I want to wrap my coat around you.
[theme music]
OK, let's get the boundaries set once and for all.
Things you can and cannot say about my mam.
She's got a nice smile.
Ah!
Seriously, her smile?
She's got nice eyes.
Ah!
Freaking heck, it's like I can't say anything.
Good.
Now we're clear.
And you're not going to hit me?
Ah!
It's your face.
I can't fucking help it.
Just leave me alone.