[music playing]
[tapping]
Anyone watching, thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about
needs to watch their backs!
So you've had your Labor reclassifying
skunk sending prices sky high.
Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation.
Get Liberals noshing Torries like altar
boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a cloud, necking mushrooms rarely found.
Green and pleasant land and ancient sap and yak yak
yak yak yak yak yak yak yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
[music playing]
GLORIA (VOICEOVER): Money of itself has no value.
It's just paper.
Can't let it rule your life.
Don't get me wrong.
I'd rather be with than without.
Heat, shelter, food, luxury items, baubles
are not the stuff of life.
People are the stuff of life, so long as none get too close.
Never close enough to hurt.
Money buys independence, self-sufficiency, and I am--
I must be self-sufficient.
BAND (SINGING): --rock solid and you rock some money.
Shake it, now, now, get 'em off that town.
Fuck are you doing here?
I live here.
The fuck are you doing here?
Oh.
What happened?
You didn't fancy walking home.
Kettle on now?
And see to Cilla for us.
I'm shattered.
That's 'cause you been guzzling drink half the night.
Which you never do!
I don't even remember leaving the pub.
Oh, fuck it.
You were on good form.
We all were.
That's how we carried it on back here.
We?
Karen came.
Slept in with Ruby.
It was a good night!
Kettle's on.
Hey!
Don't do half a job.
Get us a fucking cuppa.
Oh.
BILLY: Look at the state of this, eh?
Thought girls were supposed to be tidy,
not getting all drunk and messy.
You're not going to be like that, are you?
You're a good girl.
[music playing]
As long as you keep betting, I'll keep taking your money.
End of the week.
Got a job.
I'm busy.
Can't it wait?
If I wanted it to.
But I don't.
Why don't you ask these two?
He's a gangster's apprentice, and I
happen to know he needs a bit of cash
to pay off his gambling debt.
You up to it?
Course.
It's about time.
What's in it for me?
How much do you owe Shane?
40 quid.
Then let's call it 45.
Clear your gambling debts, still enough left over for a bag
of sherbet lemons.
Money.
Address.
Don't come back empty handed, eh?
I won't.
Take Take the Merc.
He doesn't drive if you want to keep your testicles.
I need a word.
Platypus, part duck, part otter.
I know what it is.
It's the only egg-laying mammal.
It's a word.
So is it positive or not?
I can't tell because it's smashed.
And who was--
BILLY: Your mum, Karen, Gloria.
[moaning]
BILLY: It's totally irresponsible if one of them's
up the duff.
JAMIE: So were you and mom trying for another one?
BILLY: Well, it depends what you mean by trying.
I mean are you fucking my mother with the intention
of getting her pregnant?
I've been double bagging lately.
Course, I been doing a lot of back door first.
Most of the times she's been finishing me off with a blowie.
She does swallow, though, so--
Because swallowing's a big pregnancy risk, is it?
Oh, yeah.
Shit.
Could be Karen.
I can't believe your mum wouldn't tell me.
Hey, bit of luck.
Might be Gloria's.
[music playing]
PRIEST: --the word was with God, the word was God.
The same was in the beginning with God.
All things were made by him.
Without him was not anything made that was made.
In him was--
[music playing]
BAND (SINGING): Still falling.
PRIEST: --the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God whose--
BAND (SINGING): Breathless and on again.
[tires squealing]
BAND (SINGING): Inside--
I'll ask her to give you a call, rearrange, if that's OK.
- All right. - I'm sorry about that.
It's all right. OK.
Ta ta now.
See you, yeah.
How many more?
Another two maybe.
I just can't face it today.
If there was anything wrong, you would tell me,
wouldn't you?
I'm just hung over.
This seems fine.
Not as good as your own, but it'll do for a bit.
Here.
What happened to me own phone? DOMINIC: It's in the bin.
Stinking of cheap lager.
You dropped it in a pint pot last night.
[phone buzzing]
[splash]
Really need to fucking behave.
[phone ringing]
Popular.
GLORIA : Or unpopular.
[dramatic music]
For fuck's sake.
You sure you got the right address?
Well, it's not an address.
It's a location.
And the sat nav says I have.
Maybe we should just--
CHESNEY: The paper says wait.
It's freaking me out, this shit, man.
It could be a set up.
Could have guns or anything.
Me and you could wake up in a ditch, bullets
in the back of our heads.
Ah, it's a few steaks for a meat raffle.
If it's a few steaks, why have you got
an envelope filled with notes?
He's got a gun!
MAN: This is private land.
Jamie Maguire sent us.
[knocking]
Come.
[music playing]
I'm not quite sure this is what Jamie had in mind.
It's 300 pound of quality beef.
But it's still whole.
Not for long.
[music playing]
[cow mooing]
Traded Jackson in for a younger model?
Can recommend it if you have.
He's just a mate from work.
Is he see the one that--
Uppers to keep himself working,
downers to get some sleep.
He's sorting himself out now though.
I won't kick him right of bed for dropping crumbs.
You two getting on then?
Behave.
He's just a laugh, that's all.
I'm just going to--
right.
First of all, we've all popped a few pills in our time,
so don't judge me.
Secondly, if you were 20 years younger,
I'd have you, crumbs or no crumbs.
And as for Mrs. Robinson, well, the night is still young.
Hm hm hm.
Looks like he's hung. Is he hung?
[laughter]
Can I have a beer?
MIMI: Thought we might have a quiet night
in, just the two of us.
Why?
MIMI: Get an Indian, curl up, watch something.
You got something you want to tell me?
That I want to get a takeout and watch a film.
[music playing]
[voices on television]
Are you--
What?
--putting on a bit of weight?
Why would you ask any woman a question like that?
I'm just saying.
Well, that's like me just saying, not to worry,
size really doesn't matter.
JAMIE: I wasn't having a go.
I just thought maybe you'd skipped a period, that's all.
No.
I had my period last week, remember?
You did that thing.
Oh.
Of course.
Just after you did that other thing.
Yes.
Well, can't eat that now, can I?
Size isn't really an issue, is it?
MIMI: Hi ya, love.
Any sign of your Shane?
He was in this morning.
Tried his moby?
Straight to voicemail.
Never showed today.
Don't bring me in it.
She was on an early.
Been here since she finished?
Been cackling all afternoon.
Do you know him?
A mate from her work.
Nice kid.
More man than boy.
Behave.
[laughter]
Feeling rough?
Come in.
Please.
Make yourself at home.
Is it mine?
How could you be so stupid?
For fuck's sake, I need to know what you're going to do.
Do you have any idea what this could do to Karen?
Well, last thing on my mind right
now is how your wife may or may not react to what
I might have to tell her.
Please.
I need to know.
[music playing]
[phone buzzing and ringing]
Gloria, your phone.
Either answer it or change the ring tone.
It's been doing me head in all day.
I'm busy.
[phone buzzing and ringing]
Insistent, aren't they?
Is it a fellow?
I wish.
Look, just tell me.
Is everything OK?
You stop asking me that!
It's getting on me nerves.
[phone ringing and buzzing]
DOMINIC: Yeah, hang on a minute.
She's here.
[music playing]
Jack and the beanstalk, is it, this year?
My favorite panto.
I don't know how you do it, though.
It'd play havoc with my back.
What are you on about?
The back end, bend double, eight shows a week.
Who decides who's up front and behind?
Certainly lifelike.
Pace yourself, you started early.
[music playing]
[cow mooing]
I took out a loan about nine weeks ago.
But you've got about five credit cards already.
Which is why I needed a loan.
It was all legit upfront.
Applied online, payday loan company.
How much did you borrow?
1,200.
I thought these companies are supposed
to limit how much you can have.
Not my first time.
Used my credit cards to make the payments.
If you ever did any tiding, you'd have noticed this.
I've kind of run out of options.
Jesus, Gloria.
4300% APR?
GLORIA : Yeah, but you can't count it like that.
If you pay it back when you're supposed to--
Have you paid anything back?
And it's them that are constantly calling you?
40 missed calls yesterday.
You borrowed 1,200 quid nine weeks ago.
How much do you owe now?
Five grand and counting.
WOMAN: What's that?
A cow.
Feel free to elaborate.
We'll get it shifted as soon as we've
got somewhere to shift it to.
His name's Allen.
Allen.
Allen the cow?
You do know cows are girls?
Tell me about it.
[snickering]
CHESNEY: Jamie sent us to get it.
Is this for the meat raffle?
CHESNEY: Sh!
Well, it's not as if she can understand me, is it?
Well, animals can sense things.
Yeah.
Dogs know when earthquakes are coming.
So Allen was supposed to be--
I couldn't do it.
I mean, look at her eyes!
Allen's grown on us.
A cracking old personality.
Well, no wonder you couldn't kill her.
You should never give you dinner a name.
Can you keep quiet about it?
As long as you can do the same with her.
I don't want waking up in the wee small hours
when she's mooing to be milked.
Look at her udders!
They're nearly exploding already.
[cow mooing]
Fuck!
BOTH: You're doing it. - No, you're doing it.
No, you're doing it.
You're doing it.
DOMINIC: You should have just told me.
You could have asked them to freeze it,
give you a chance to catch up.
They say that the worst thing you can do is to ignore it.
GLORIA : Well, that might be what they say
when Ann Robinson phones up, but reality
is a little bit different.
How the fuck am I going to raise 5,000 pounds, Dom?
How long have you got?
Two days.
Shit.
Gloria.
Why did you leave it till the last minute?
Because if I told you, you'd say "why did you
leave it till the last minute?"
All right.
I'll put the feelers out, see if I can call in some favors.
Five grand's worth?
DOMINIC: I'm still a priest.
I have the power of guilt.
[music playing]
[phone ringing]
[music playing]
Shane would know.
Just tug it a bit harder!
I don't want to hurt her.
I'm scared of pulling it off.
Here, try a different hand action!
You try a different hand action!
I can't touch it!
I'm a Muslim.
It's Hindus with cows.
Well, can't you, like, just--
I am not wanking a cow off.
It's tits, not a cock!
Listen, she's called Allen.
I am not wanking off anyone called Allen.
[music playing]
Doesn't bother you?
No, why would it?
Power to your elbow.
Can I have a glass of water, please, babes?
I was just saying to your fellow, a lot of men
would be intimidated.
She's always been a total fag hag.
Doesn't bother me.
What's that got to do with anything?
I don't mind the gays.
I'm cool with it.
Two points.
Firstly, you better fucking be all right with "the gays."
Secondly, Callum's not one of them.
Yes, he is.
WOMEN: No, he's not.
Look at the way he dresses!
He's a nice dresser.
Yeah, but his hair.
And he definitely moisturizes.
Doesn't make him gay.
Soft skin ain't no bad thing for the ladies.
I can't be dealing with stubble rash on the insides of me
thighs.
Mimi.
Need a word, mate.
About?
Your pregnant sister.
[music playing]
Hi, Jamie.
Yes, mate.
Do you know what she's going to do?
I can't believe she didn't tell me.
I mean, she normally tells me everything.
This could fuck everything up.
I take it you won't be putting a notice in "The Manchester
Evening News" announcing your paternity, because it's
all about you, isn't it, Jamie?
Karen can't find out.
Oh, yes she can.
There's only words exchanged.
Can't see our Gloria telling her.
You weren't exactly the love of your life.
How did she put it?
You were just a fuck.
That's all.
Find out what she's going to do.
What?
Run back here and tell you?
Why would I do that?
[dramatic music]
[cow mooing]
[dog barking]
MIMI: What are you doing?
Where's the condoms?
I flushed them.
You never normally flush them.
You normally tell me to do it.
You were asleep.
They were on the floor.
I didn't want Cilla toddling in and picking them up, did I?
You all right?
Are you trying to trick me into getting you pregnant?
What?
Are you saving up my sponk from the condoms
and pouring it into yourself while I'm sleeping?
You're behaving really weird.
Because clearly you're the rational one?
Just so's you know, squishing jizz out of condoms
has never been top of my to do list.
Are you trying to get pregnant?
Don't be soft.
I've got a hard on now.
Come on.
[laughs]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing and ringing]
This barging's in getting a bit old, isn't it?
Yeah, well, extenuating circumstances.
Dominic's upstairs.
I've just passed him on his way to mass.
Creature of habit, your brother.
I made some inquiries.
Thought you might want to get out of town.
So there's more than enough there for hotel and travel
if you need it.
The fee seems pretty consistent clinic to clinic.
Please don't take any chances.
Go somewhere decent where they'll look after you.
Your concern is touching.
Seem to have it all worked out.
I'm just trying to help.
There's six grand there.
If you need any more, just ask.
I'll be sure to do that.
Do you need me to come with you?
I think it'd be better all around if you just fuck off.
[music playing]
It's only a matter of time before someone
lets slip to Jamie that there's a cow on the estate.
Well, do yourself a favor, mate, don't ever Google
"milking" on the internet.
You know, it won't come back the way you thought.
I saw one on YouTube, said you have to be quite firm with--
[cow mooing]
--teats.
I was telling Lillian about Allen,
and she said there's always someone
somewhere willing to pay over the odds to get off on it,
and she was right.
Meet Eric.
By day, planning officer from Rochdale.
By might, Heidi fetishist.
Heidi.
Yes, Helmut.
ERIC: I have finished the milking.
May I go, mutter?
[inaudible]
You can keep all the milk.
[spitting]
It's warm.
It's a fucking bodily fluid, dickhead.
[cow mooing]
DOMINIC: I don't care if it's legal,
what you do is a disgrace.
Legalized loan sharking.
Please, just call me back when you hear this message.
Right.
We have one day to get hold of five grand.
Miracles happen.
Think we deserve one.
I have some friends in very low places.
You try not to worry.
Think of the baby.
He told you?
Yeah.
why Didn't you?
Because I'm not.
What?
Why did he say you are?
Because he's just an arrogant bastard who decided to do all
the talking and no listening.
Gloria, I could have told you that.
You should let him know.
I will.
[music playing]
Call you back.
That's supposed to be in portions at the bottom
of the freezer by now. - And it will be.
We're just doing a spot of marketing.
CHESNEY: Yeah, letting people see
what they'll get if they win.
A free pint of milk for every strip of tickets sold.
Pretty enterprising.
If I'd known you weren't up to it, Ches,
I wouldn't have wasted my time.
I'm up to it.
KAREN: I've told them if that thing shits in here,
I'm not cleaning it up.
It's good for the roses.
Not so good for the carpet.
JAMIE: Right I'm off for a piss.
If that thing's here when I come back,
I'm going to personally stick your heads up its fucking ass!
There's no need.
Mimi's not pregnant.
Stand any closer, I'm worried I may be.
It's not Karen either, so we're in the clear.
Happy days.
BILLY: Are you not going to wash your hands?
I just make sure not to piss on my fingers.
All right there.
No, I understand, yeah.
Thanks for trying anyway.
Everything all right?
I never realized how many fair-weather friends I had.
You know, when they had me on parish,
they were tripping over themselves to help me out.
Well, welcome to the real world.
If there's anything I can do.
Now you're offering me favors?
Trading favors.
Yeah, Charlie.
It's Dom.
Look, uh, I need to earn some money pretty quickly.
Yeah.
No, it's good.
[music playing]
[rustling]
How many tickets, Gloria?
Sorry?
Meat raffle at the Jockey tomorrow.
Five quid a ticket could get you 50 quid of meat.
That's a dairy cow, boys.
It's not bred for meat.
It'll taste like feet.
Jamie never said ought.
GLORIA: Well, maybe he was getting you enough rope.
[gag]
What are we going to do?
Well, we only have to sell it, not eat it.
Tastes like feet, fuck it.
Got fuck all to do with us.
Come on, Allen.
Everything all right?
What, you're keeping it? - I'm not pregnant.
I never was.
Why did you lie?
Was it a scam?
Fuck you.
I never lied.
You told me--
I told you nothing.
You're the one who barged into my home
full of presumptions like a big alpha male
and came to your own conclusions.
Yeah, well, you could have contradicted me.
It's not my job to tell an idiot when he's being an idiot.
I've better things to do with my time.
Oh, but I tell you what was interesting,
though, seeing how you would have reacted
had I been pregnant.
Oh, don't worry your pretty little head.
Leave it to the men.
It wasn't like that.
What was it like?
A woman I cared very much about who now decides to avoid
me like the plague may have been pregnant with my child
but was choosing to hide it from me.
That's what it was like.
Go back to Karen.
Play happy families.
I don't need you or your money.
[music playing]
Tighten that.
Are you sure about this, Father?
Circuit training's one thing, but
fighting's totally different.
Yeah, I'm sure, Charlie.
You really are desperate, aren't you?
I am that.
CHARLIE: When was the last time you ran further
than the length of yourself?
DOMINIC: I got a great tolerance for pain.
And everyone's in with a punching chance.
Five grand, yeah?
I've laid bets.
If you win, you'll clear five.
Honestly, who is this guy?
How good is he?
Good enough to give long odds.
Have you put a bet on me, Charlie?
I'm not a betting man, Father.
OK.
[punches]
[OPERA MUSIC AND MUTED CROWD SOUNDS]
Go on, Father.
You can do this.
[inaudible]
Now, you can do this.
[inaudible]
[OPERA MUSIC AND MUTED CROWD SOUNDS]
Come on.
[opera music]
Oh, fuck.
Half when you're ready, Mimi.
Lover boy's practically a regular now.
Two nights on the trot, eh?
You only live once, babe.
We're clubbing later if you're up for it.
Some other time, maybe. Cheers.
Come on, you're your own boss, aren't you?
Who's going to put you up?
Me In Avril have been there, done that.
Probably while you were still in nappies.
CALLUM: That's what I'm saying!
Recapture your youth.
Take no for an answer, mate.
I might go.
Another granny night, is it?
MIMI: [clearing throat]
I'm going to shoot some pool.
CALLUM: No offense, but he's a fucking idiot.
He can be, but it's not your place to say.
CALLUM: You still coming?
You better believe it.
CALLUM: 1, 2, 3.
AIDAN: What's this?
Sirloin.
I think.
That's definitely sirloin.
I don't know why we just didn't
do this in the first place.
Because it costs over 400 quid of my money.
[music playing]
[cow mooing]
Stay back, Allen!
You don't want to see this.
[cow mooing]
What about this?
Outside.
BAND (SINGING): Can you-- can you give me
[inaudible] from my first glass sizzle,
and give it to you [inaudible] the first track,
hold you like a microplane.
You know how to work it, babe.
[inaudible]
Girl, make you play.
Holiday in coming at me like a [inaudible] flow, [inaudible]
from the [inaudible].
And [inaudible] ah ah ah ah, [inaudible]..
Slip and-- slip and slide.
BAND (SINGING): --and that one felt like a circle,
like a wheel, never-ending.
[inaudible]
She's hardly going to hear her phone in a club, is she?
I wasn't phoning her.
KAREN: What's with the macho bollocks?
That going to keep your wife happy, is it?
I'm so tough.
Just don't care.
I care.
KAREN: She fancied a bit of fun.
Hey, you remember fun, don't you, Jackson?
We have a good time.
Is that before or after you called her an ugly old crow?
I never called her that.
No.
"Grab-a-Granny" was the phrase, wasn't it?
I can look after me own marriage, thanks.
Course you can.
DOMINIC: Gloria?
Know
If you're pissed, Dominic, just go straight up.
I'm not in the mood.
Jesus Christ, Dominic.
I'm fine.
It's not as bad as it looks.
But I couldn't get the money, sis.
I'm sorry.
GLORIA: This has gone too far.
It's got to end.
[crying]
Best night I've had in a decade.
Stop it!
You'll make me sad.
Chief cook and bottle washer, that's my role.
Mother and wife.
Come here.
You're not my mother, and you're not my wife.
[smooch]
[music playing]
Fuck.
I know.
I'm sorry.
[music playing]
[moaning]
I'm sorry.
Been a bit of a dickhead.
I know.
Coming up?
Yeah.
[music playing]
What you doing?
Stretching a muscle.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going or coming.
What's fucking eating you now?
Tell me this isn't yours.
Fuck sake, there goes me erection.
[music playing]
- [inaudible] - Fuck him.
Look at him.
Give me [inaudible].
What the fuck?
Fuck off!
[interposing voices]
Oy, pack it in and fuck off!
Leg it.
Yeah. Yeah, all right, mate.
Yeah.
What the fuck's happened to you?
Slipped on a banana skin.
I need a favor.
[music playing]
She got herself in a mess on these short term loans.
It's out of control.
We've tried everything.
She now thinks that the only thing she can do is to go.
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't desperate.
If she goes, Jamie, she won't come back.
That might suit me.
You know that isn't true.
One condition.
She never finds out it came from me.
I want your word on that, Dom. - Of course.
Right.
I'll catch you up. I have business.
Thank you.
I'm so grateful.
It was nothing.
I've got folk waiting for me.
Uh, I'm sorry.
At least stay for a cup of tea?
[music playing]
Yeah, it's mine.
You lied to me.
I admitted the truth.
That's different.
Only in the dictionary.
I didn't know if I was or I wasn't.
My stage in life, your periods might not be
as regular as they used to be.
Then I got to thinking about it and kind of liked the idea.
Should have consulted me.
Yeah, I should have.
But I didn't want to raise any false alarms.
And looking stupid.
Are you pregnant?
No, I'm not.
I'm just some stupid old woman who thought
she might have got lucky.
You can have my sponk anytime you want, you know.
I've got a fucking bucket load.
Oh, thanks, love.
[zippers]
That's what our life amounts to these days, does it?
Carry on luggage?
All the rest is just stuff.
Look, I'm sorry about this, Dominic.
I really appreciate all your help.
Your debt's cleared.
How?
Friend.
Your phone should stop ringing now.
How are we going to pay it back?
Slowly.
[laughs]
Oh.
Special occasion?
Yeah, I'm out with me wife.
You're overdoing it.
It's a pit puky.
KAREN: Yeah, you're trying a bit too hard.
Can't win for losing.
You all right?
Something's changed.
What can I get you?
GLORIA: A large gin and tonic, and--
I'll have a single of your finest malt.
GLORIA: Double single malt, please.
KAREN: What's he done, then?
Oh, he's just been a good brother.
[music playing]
[cheers]
Right, and 5 and 4.
54.
House!
[cheers]
This is yours, is it?
MIMI: Lucky for someone, 13!
Yeah!
[cheers]
Oh, I can't wait to see her face
when she's running free again.
Except she doesn't really run.
More like waddles.
You sure they have to take her?
It's a fucking petting zoo.
What are they going to do, kick her out?
Make this all a big issue?
Where is she?
Never mind where, how?
What, she was tied in a triple knot!
How did she open the door?
Allen!
[inaudible]
BAND (SINGING): Ain't no sunshine when--
- Allen! - Allen!
Allen!
Come back!
BAND (SINGING): Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
and she's always--
Allen!
BAND (SINGING): --gone too long, anytime she goes away.
Are you serious?
Allen!
- Allen! - Allen!
Allen! Allen!
Allen, where are you?
BAND (SINGING): It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's--
She's gone, bro.
BAND (SINGING): --always gone too long anytime she goes away.
It's all right.
[clattering]
Was it you?
Was what me?
No more games, please.
I don't know what you're talking about.
OK.
So it wasn't you.
All the same, thank you.
You're welcome.
[romantic music]
I didn't want you to leave.
I didn't want to not see you again.
BAND (SINGING): I don't know about our dreams.
I don't know about our dreaming anymore.
All that I know is I'm falling, falling falling, falling.
GLORIA (VOICEOVER): People are the stuff of life.
People have real worth, real value.
BAND (SINGING): I don't know about my love.
I don't know about my loving anymore.
GLORIA (VOICEOVER): So long as none
ever get close enough to hurt.
BAND (SINGING): What is love for?
GLORIA (VOICEOVER): Because no amount of money
can ever protect you from that.
BAND (SINGING): How does one fall in?
[theme music]
[squeaking]
You must be the one they call Terry the Terrapin.
I've heard speak of you.
And what do they say of me, Allen the Cow?
That you survived many months in the pocket of one who's
soaked in piss and alcohol.
This is true.
And that you have evolved and taken
on the characteristics of the one they call Frank Gallagher.
This also is true.
We We have much to learn from you.
Got any drugs?