Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you got your condemnation, liberals
noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Some people say parenting is
the hardest thing in the world.
Cilla, it's too early, darling, go back to bed.
Do you want your breakie, then?
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Those people have never brokered major drug
deals between gangs of Scouses and Mancs, robbed post offices,
or smuggled mobile phone and charger in Strangeways.
Mothering is a natural thing.
It's not something you need to work at.
You just do it.
Make sure they're fed, watered, pick them up if they fall over,
and other than that--
Eat that.
Then sleep.
Night.
MIMI (VOICEOVER): --make sure they do as they're told.
[music - dolly parton, "9 to 5"]
Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen.
Pour myself a cup of ambition and yawn and stretch
and try to come to life.
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping.
Out on the street, the traffic starts jumping with folks
like me on the job from 9 to 5.
I'm up.
Every fucker's up.
Fire!
Quick, there's a big, fuck-all fire!
People are dying!
Please, someone, help!
[music - dolly parton, "9 to 5"]
Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.
Barely getting by.
It's all taking and no giving.
They just use your mind.
And they never give you credit.
Morning, Pillhead, Another warehouse project last night,
was it? - Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
Hey, don't forget, smile, you're about to step on stage.
Frank.
Boss man.
This is Cheryl, our latest newbie.
You'll show her the ropes, won't you?
As our longest serving team member.
I've only been here a week.
Everything going OK?
Walk this way and what we say is have a great day.
Ah, gee, you think you can find a bigger chair?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Drop it down your end, not you.
KAREN: For God's sake, why don't you pick the bleeding thing up.
Why won't you do what I ask?
All right, sit there.
What's going on?
He won't do his drawing at the table,
so there's felt tip all over.
Right, you sit there and you're drinking that juice.
He's only a baby.
He's wrecking the place, look.
It's not funny, Mimi. - It kind of is.
What?
Drawing a cock?
Rocket.
Rocket, drawing a rocket all over the doors
and all over the walls isn't right.
Karen, boys will be boys.
Our Micky was always drawing c--
rockets.
He was obsessed with them.
Drew them morning till night.
There was rockets here, there, they were all over the place.
They weren't all over your living room walls.
It's not normal.
He's only a kid.
What is the point of us buying nice furniture
and trying to make the place look good, when
he's just going to trash it?
You need to show him who's boss.
Give him a little smack.
What, and you think that's what he needs?
I give you a tap on the ass, didn't do you any harm, did it?
I've been such a naughty boy.
Oh.
Naughtier than that.
Yeah.
Well, me and Jamie don't believe in hitting, do we?
Give over.
You two have knocked out half of Chatsworth.
Hitting Connor.
Fair but firm, kids need structure,
boundaries, and rules.
Connor, no!
Aren't you supposed to be at school?
It's only assembly and shit like that.
It doesn't matter what it is.
Get your ass down there before education starts
banging on this door again.
Now!
All right, keep your wig on.
I mean it, Aidan.
We don't need the hassle.
- Yeah, yeah. - Ha ha.
Show off in front of your little mate here
and you'll get a boot up the ass, lad.
She's not bad, your mom, you know.
I'd well slip her one. - She ain't my mum.
She's just some prozzie who crashes here.
I wanted to go to uni.
Why didn't you?
There's not much point nowadays, is there?
Was there ever?
What you're doing out there?
Just showing Cheryl the ropes, you know,
like you said, got to get her up to speed on the rule book,
haven't we?
Can you carry on inside?
It's the lunchtime rush.
I need you on the counter.
I'm on my way.
Well, hold up, we're just grabbing
a fresh lung full of, you know, we'll be right there.
Wesley!
Be quick.
Yeah.
If they're a bit short-staffed,
shouldn't we just--
What's the worse that could happen?
Some lard-ass is going to be two minutes
late getting their burger?
Can't have management throwing their weight around, can we?
Wankers.
Oi, that fucking chair is completely stuck now.
Robbed the library?
"Free the Child, Free the Mother."
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
By Professor Alex Yates.
It's got some really good ideas, actually.
You and your child will discover the secret
to smash through the glass ceiling
and unlock the gateway to a new world of freedom,
happiness, and success.
Ha, ha.
No harm in having a little bit of help.
Hey, ease up, will you, you know she's struggling.
I told her kids need rules.
I brought you up on strict rules, never done you any harm.
You broke my rules, mate.
So now I've gotta break something of yours, yeah?
No!
Oh, no.
Get us a vodka.
Just don't let it spin out of control, mom.
I know what you're fucking like.
Well, I doubt he meant it.
Oh, he meant it, all right.
Well, I mean, maybe he meant it affectionately.
Just some prozzie who crashes here.
How is that affectionate?
His mom's a pros--
worker?
Sex worker.
So maybe he just doesn't know any different.
He thinks all women are prostitutes.
It could be.
I'm gonna have to work on him.
But you're a woman and a pros--
sex worker.
Mayo the burgers, wrap them up, get them out.
Mayo the burgers, wrap them up, get--
Pillhead?
Ah, fuck!
Ah, fucking hell!
Rinse them under the tap.
We're gonna have to shut the shop down.
If we close, we don't get paid?
Shut down, everyone.
Shut it down.
What's the problem?
Nothing, aside from him chucking up
in the deep fat fryer, nothing, absolutely nothing.
What, in there?
I told him I felt rough.
I'm going to have to kill the fryer, cool the oil,
drain, clean.
Well, well, we don't have to do that.
There are clear health and safety issues.
This is a breach of company guidelines.
I want full wages.
Let's look in the handbook, chapter
3, subsection B, bodily fluids.
This is a code red.
I need to close the shop.
You shut it down, you won't hit your target.
This is boiling fat.
nothing can live in there.
Just scoop the lumps out and carry on.
Yeah, if knew it was contaminated, we'd drain it.
But if we didn't know--
I couldn't--
But you're out front serving customers.
You don't know about it, do you?
It'll be fine, trust me.
You, go and stick that in the fridge.
Cheryl, front of the house with Tracy.
Akeeba, that's right, fresh fries.
Wesley, you clear that up.
Come on, big time.
Anyone for pakora?
Come on!
Ha, ha, world of burger, world of pleasure, mm-hmm.
Oh, well done, teamsters.
All right, come on, smokers, fill your lungs.
You can cover for us, can't you?
I'm in charge.
Yeah, of course you are.
50 quid for a moggie.
I'm brassic and this stupid lunatic is offering
50 fucking quid for a fur ball.
Stupid like that, though aren't they?
Get all emotional with daft shit.
If they're on their moon.
Nah, man.
My policy's sorted.
In and out, no involvement, no trouble, no fucking headache.
Drop your cocks and grab your socks,
we are off to the flicks.
I'm taking you to see a film.
Him, not you.
And no, don't touch your penis.
Hey, teamsters, we've got a shift on.
Come on, let's get a shift on.
Oh, wait up, Frank, you're not on the counter this afternoon.
Got something more suited to your talents.
World of Burgers chicken deal, deal, World
of Burgers chicken deal.
World Of burgers, the ultimate chicken.
Fills you up, doesn't let you down.
Come on, love, fair is fowl and fowl is fair.
You do not want to know what two Cokes just cost me.
The so-called cinema is so far up its own fucking ass,
they don't even sell popcorn.
We could have went to the normal pictures, a normal film
like normal people.
This has a strong woman in the lead.
Because sometimes films just show women as pieces of meat.
Oh.
Women aren't just pieces of meat.
We're a lot more than that.
Yeah, we've got our differences.
But like, men and women, yeah, it's like, not just shagging,
we've got like different roles, like,
roles that go way back like when we were cave men, and that.
Yeah, but that's not exclusive to men
Yeah, but women, women just stayed in the caves,
carrying wood, looking after the kids
and cooking the men's food.
But times have changed, haven't they?
It's not really like that anymore, is it?
No, like, men sign on and go to the pub
while women fuck around with their nails.
Can I have a shot?
You're under aged.
How old was you when you started?
Come on.
Shane.
Hello.
I'm a good mom, aren't I?
Aren't I?
Well, you don't seem too sure.
You're the only I've had, aren't you?
I've no one else to compare you to.
I've been good to you lot.
Except for the time you stashed drugs in Mandy's dolls,
yeah.
Taught her about safe places.
Um, when you took our Mickey prison
visiting when he was 10 years old
and you left the in Strangeways.
Taught him to respect authority.
All in all, I've done a pretty good job.
Ha. See you later.
If I hit these targets, I'll be up for the new outlet
at the Trafford Center.
And that would mean that there'd be
a vacancy right here for some bright young go-getter.
Well, we could celebrate the restaurant's birthday.
We could pretend it's been five years or something.
We could celebrate the restaurant's birthday.
Decorate it with balloons and wear party hats
and play disco music, you know, Agadoo, and all that.
What do you think?
Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea, yeah.
Burger me.
Sorry.
OK, Frankie, how did it go?
Great.
Here you go.
All right, there, you want to see?
Listen, I've got to do me fucking job here,
like, you know what I mean.
Hold that.
Ah, ha, ha, ha.
You want one?
There.
It was a proper, proper laugh.
And I met this bloke dressed as a pint, promoting this pub.
And he gave me all these beer tokens for all of us.
Yeah. - Brilliant.
Take the costume off, Frank.
You look like a cock.
Back to work.
20 fags, please, Ches.
It's just meat, Lilian, just meat.
They should say meat, then.
But they do.
Hallal meat.
Uh, hello?
But why can't they just say meat?
Because it's hallal.
Connor!
Jesus, Karen, control him, can't you?
Sorry, Ches.
One just grabs the sign and went, "my big cock."
You know, yeah, I fucking get it, man.
I fucking--
Frank, you're not automatically entitled
to cigarette breaks, you know.
They're at my discretion.
Balloons, 500, we had at pump, but it's broken.
Get blowing, Frank.
You're joking?
Oh, fantastic!
Well done, teamsters.
Come on, blues all around.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, this isn't DIY fucking SOS.
It's just an old man blowing up some balloons, right?
Get back to work all of yous.
It's just a bit of team work, you know.
You ought to celebrate that.
Remember, team, as you scrub to within an inch of your lives
that this is all Frank Gallagher's fault.
I've done nothing wrong.
I'm the manager, not you, me.
And no more fag breaks.
Not that interested?
What do you reckon?
It had subtitles.
And?
Was that it?
Is that the extent of your review?
OK, fine, it was a very interesting
take on gender politics and a muscular piece of filmmaking.
You're just reading that from the poster, aren't you?
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Bag of shite, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Come on, let's go get wasted.
Yes.
You stay there and you do not move.
Because, God help me, I will not knock you into next week,
got it?
Karen!
But he won't do as he's told.
He's wrecking the place.
He's a baby, Karen.
Shouting at him is not going to help, is it?
Well, according to your mother, it is.
I have to show him who is the boss.
What happened to the positive parenting thing you were doing,
eh?
There you go, darling.
You draw all over the walls.
Draw all over the ceilings.
Do what you want, because I don't care anymore.
Mummy is going to be positive.
Easy, innit?
Connor!
My mum was a proper good-time girl.
But she drank her looks away and the fellas pissed off.
She got depressed.
She wouldn't go out or anything.
It was like that til she died.
What about yours?
A slag and a smackhead.
Well, there's got to be more to her than that.
No, that's it, the whole story.
She loves you.
- Yeah, right. - She must do.
She brought you up, looked after you.
I was put in care.
Seven families in three years.
She had loads of chances to clean up,
medication, counseling, support, all that shit.
She couldn't do it.
So they swiped me.
So despite her addiction and all the nasty crap
that goes with it, she never gave you up.
Tried to hold on to you.
They took you.
Must have really loved you.
Fuck it.
It's history, anyway.
So you're stuck with me now, are you?
For better or worse.
I knew this would get out of hand.
She's all over the place because of you.
It's not my fault. I only gave her a bit of motherly advice.
Why don't you try getting your own house in order
before you start helping anyone else.
I'm qualified, thank you very much.
I've had seven kids.
And where are they all now, mum, eh?
There's only me, Shane, and Cilla left.
Karen's big enough to admit we're struggling with Conor,
and she's trying to do something about it.
But you, well, you think you're perfect, mum, and you're not.
You're not.
Somewhere along the line, you failed every fucking one of us.
So do us a favor and read the fucking book yourself.
It'll just be a couple more minutes.
What the fuck?
Frank, what's going on?
I'm sorry it's not--
everything has just kind of slowed down a little bit.
Ever since you binned fag breaks.
Ooh, who, have a great day.
This is insubordination.
Well, there's nothing in here that tells us at what speed
we need to work at.
Oh, you're fired.
Oh, unfortunately you can't.
Having successfully completed my trial period,
you can only issue me with a warning
for unprofessional or gross misconduct,
bringing the company into disrepute,
harming or potentially harming the company, the company
logo, or any of its employees.
You could launch an investigation,
but you'd have to suspend me with full pay first.
Fucking European Union.
Well, it's the only union we've got left, mate.
We are a team.
All of you?
All of us.
Well, I'm part of that team.
Nah, your management, mate.
OK.
Have it your way.
Welcome to management, Frank.
That's an extra 30 quid a week for you.
Come on, team.
Well, the only thing that I think we need is a happy team.
So put some tunes on and have a laugh, sorted.
Oh, and fag breaks are back on.
Have one whenever you want.
It's all right with you, innit?
Do whatever you want as long as that lot
get sorted before you clock off, staff hours, orders, rotas.
You'll have plenty of time, providing your team
run the kitchen and counter OK.
And as you'll know from paragraph three, subsection
c of the company hand book, failure
to complete and file paperwork is
an immediate sackable offense.
Tough at the top, eh, Frank?
Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Here, 50 quid.
Tch, tch, tch.
Shit, come here, you little fuck.
Tiger!
Kelly.
You all right?
I wanted a word.
Yeah?
Oh, fuck off, Lillian.
What we talked about, I've got you now,
I was wondering if you want to go out sometime, you and me.
What?
What are you going on about, Aidan, I'm fucking busy here.
Is your phone broke?
Can we talk about this later?
Sorry, I'm late.
Traffic were a bitch.
Traffic?
I said I'd pay you double next month.
I'm not here about that.
It's about your cat, Tiger.
Charity.
Charity, this man's found Tiger.
There you go.
What's--
It's Tiger.
Is this some kind of--
Come on, I'm sure it's him.
A van got him, I think, you know,
judging by the tire marks across his back.
I think that's his back, anyway.
Fuck it.
What about my 50 quid?
In your own time, mate.
Yeah, just hang on, just give us a minute.
Ah, a set of that, great.
Um, sorry.
Large fries, is it?
Yes, mate.
All right.
There you go, one Mighty Mountain
Meal, sorry for the wait there.
I'm a bit, well.
Hey.
We were just finishing a fag break.
Another one?
Well, you said we could whenever we wanted to.
Right, no more breaks until further notice.
I've got paperwork to do.
You've got your targets to hit.
But we'll never hit that.
And why do you care, anyway?
Just do what I say.
I'm the manager.
Line manager, not that you've earned it or owt.
Right, that's it, a verbal warning.
That's not fair.
Well, life isn't fair sweetheart.
Come back to work, all of you.
You are as free to be whoever you want to be.
Oh, what in name of holy shit is that?
It's a cat.
It's dead now.
No shit, CSI Chatsworth.
You can't leave that there.
Why not?
Because it's disrespectful.
All right, fair enough.
I'll give the Pope a bell and I'll see if I can sort out
a full-on fucking mass for it.
He's dead.
Get over it, fuck's sake.
You can't leave that there.
Do something with it, something respectfully.
Creativity, beauty, and wonder,
are free, just like you.
All right, what's that noise?
What noise?
The banging.
It's Connor.
I locked him in the wardrobe.
I'm being a firm parent.
Can't you see how happy it's making us all?
RUBY (VOICEOVER): Something respectful, yeah?
Excuse me?
Excuse me!
Oh.
Oi!
Where are you lot going?
Pub.
What, all of you all?
You did the rota.
- No, you have to stay. - Ha, ha.
Don't have to.
You're still in trial period and you're on a verbal warning
already.
Leave now and I'll sack you.
Stay or go, it's up to you.
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Children thrive on routine.
But routine doesn't have to inhibit,
doesn't have to be a straitjacket.
A good routine can liberate a child.
Let the child establish his or her own routine.
Allow them to take control of their day.
Cilla?
Cilla!
Cilla.
Mama.
Oh, my little gorgeous.
We should've locked up by now.
We're well past closing time.
I'm the manager, I'll decide when it's time to lock up,
all right?
All right?
Shouldn't you be doing something?
Necking cheeky Vimtos and rimming Akeeba?
Work-wise.
Right, go on.
What?
Nothing, just that thing you were saying about how
all management are wankers.
You think I'm a wanker?
With a plastic star.
Yeah, one more than you.
Get the fuck down!
Don't hurt me, Fuck, Cheryl--
I said, on the fucking floor, now!
Get off me.
Please don't.
I've got kids, don't, don't.
Frank.
I've got family.
Frank! Frank Gallgher.
Fucking hell.
Shawy?
Fucking hell.
How you doing mate?
Yeah, all right, you know.
You?
Yeah, yeah, fine.
You work here, then?
- I'm the manager. - Line manager.
Shut it.
Nice one, yeah.
I'm dead sorry, mate, but I'm still
gonna have to rob the gaff.
You understand, don't you?
Oh.
Hey.
Marty about?
I don't know.
Got you some chippies.
Want a medal?
Aidan, I'm sorry I should--
Aidan, look we'll do something nice tomorrow,
anything you fancy.
Fucking?
Yeah, tell you what, let's fuck.
I've got a bit of money stashed.
Let me know how much you charge.
I'm in deep to a loan shark.
Our Amy's getting married next month again.
And Tony needs one of them motorized wheelchairs.
Paralyzed himself tombstoning.
Yeah, I heard.
Fucking knobhead.
Times are hard, man.
You've done all right for yourself, haven't you?
Manager.
A proper manager would have locked up, emptied the tills,
put the takings in the back with the night safe.
Yeah, yeah, shall I clip her?
Make it look like an accident.
Just joking.
Hey, any jobs going here?
You, being the manager, you could put a word in for us.
For you?
Yeah, you could vouch for us, now couldn't you,
about my trustworthiness and that?
Well, you know, just to be honest,
I don't think it's going to happen,
you know, not with you robbing us, and that.
Right.
But if you didn't, if you left without that, then,
you know, I could see what I could do.
Bagging money versus a lifetime of minimum wages
working for wankers.
Well, it pays time and a half at weekends,
double on bank holidays with a day off in lieu.
You've convinced me.
Oh, please don't.
You're going to get caught, the CCTV cameras, eyewitnesses.
You wouldn't shop me, though, would you?
Well, he is a manager.
You're not one of them, Frank.
You're one of us.
I'm sorry, mate.
Don't.
I'm desperate.
I'll phone the police.
No, it's my call.
What the fuck is going on?
Spinach soup, super food, apparently.
Are you pissed?
It's the middle of the fucking night.
Cilla's decided she wants to get up.
Tell her it's not time to get up like you always do.
I can't.
I'm giving her her own personal freedom.
She'll decide her own sleep patterns.
I can hear words coming out your mouth.
But they don't make any sense.
I'm just trying to be a good mum.
You are a good mum.
I'm not, I never have been.
And that little girl is my last chance at it.
I think you're a good mum.
But, but, I, I--
what the fuck?
Here's the branch manager.
I didn't want to bother you late last night.
We got turned over.
And I really wanted to fight back, but they had guns.
I didn't get a chance to get the night safe with the paperwork
and the turn the CCTV cameras on and--
Why are the police here?
What's happened?
An absolute fucking disaster.
Allow the child to set his own parameters
within the boundaries laid down by the parents.
All right, that makes sense, kind of.
So what stage is Connor at now?
Stage five, but, to be honest, I think
got stuck about stage two.
Failure to progress between stages
is a result of a lack of parental reinforcement.
She's got it covered.
Yeah, there's some good stuff in here.
Is that right?
Within every child is the potential for greatness.
So where's the chapter about drawing cocks on the wall?
Sorry?
Well, what does the professor say about drawing cocks
on the wall?
If you get stuck, go back to the previous chapter.
So book after book, you read it to the letter.
And if it doesn't work, it's not the books fault,
it's your fault for not doing it properly.
It's a scam.
It's fucking foolproof.
So I don't have to finish the book?
It's bollocks.
We have got a great kid.
He's happy.
He draws a few cocks on the wall, so what.
Thank fuck for that.
That one's actually not bad.
Attention to detail.
Mm-hmm.
Proportion.
Mm-hmm.
Our son is a fucking genius.
Is he?
Well, I fucked a 15-year-old.
He was dead nervy.
It was all over in about 30 seconds.
And how old were you?
14.
Get it over and done with.
He'll be that embarrassed, he won't bother you again.
If you're worried about diddling me
out of my commission, I'm not.
Oh, I don't know, I can't just fuck Aidan.
Why not?
Apart from it being register signing illegal,
it just wouldn't be right.
It'd be like incest or summat.
He's not your blood.
Fuck him and move on.
Put me back on flipping burgers and frying fries.
I want to get the Trafford Center outlet
and I always get what I want.
And whoever helps me achieve my dream
is going to end up running this place.
Whoever helps you will end up running this place?
That's what I said.
How are we going to make target now?
Cheryl, change of plan.
Well, oh, don't, I've tried to get shot of it.
The only way I can get back on the floor
is by hitting the targets and getting fuck
head to the Trafford Center.
Well, that's never going to happen.
That's a very negative attitude.
Need a word with you.
I'll give you more than a word, sweetheart.
Now.
Are we going to fuck?
You better believe it, boy.
If you're up to it.
Get undressed, now. - What, now?
Look, come on, what are you waiting for?
Come on, what's the matter with you?
No, Kelly, stop.
I don't want this.
Well, what do you want?
I want my mum.
Mimi!
Shh.
Cilla's asleep.
She said she wants to go night-night, can't disturb her.
This isn't right.
It's in the book, Karen.
so it must be right.
I knew nothing before this book, nothing at all.
Mimi.
Keep it down.
I don't want Cilla hearing conflict.
A butterfly can't float in a war zone.
Mimi, get up.
You live on the Chatsworth.
You're a drug dealing, loan-sharking,
kneecapping Maguire.
There is no spring meadow for a fucking butterfly to float.
This is an instruction manual on how to live your life.
That's all.
It's just ideas and most of them are bollocks.
No, Karen, right.
I nearly lost Cilla yesterday.
I was reading the book in the park, then I looked up
and she'd gone.
Now, I could have lost me mind, thinking she'd
been snatched by some paedo.
Or if you hadn't been reading the book
and doing what you usually do with Cilla,
watching her, playing with her, being with her, none of it
would happened, full stop.
You've been a mother seven times over.
You know what you're doing.
Jamie doesn't think so.
Of course he does.
He was just looking after me.
He's turned out all right, hasn't he?
So what, you might not be the greatest mother in the world.
Who is?
We're all winging it, aren't we?
I'm not your mum.
No.
So when I let you down, you thought
you'd put me in my place.
Just some prozzie who crashes here.
Not really us, though, is it?
Mother and son or fuck buddies.
We've got something different.
I can't promise I'll be here for you, not all the time.
I've got work, Marty, mates.
I've got a million other things.
But I'll try.
I'll try harder to be better.
Hey, that's a big thing for me to say.
Nod.
Say thank you.
But you've got to try 'an all.
You've got to start seeing me as something
other than just a prostitute.
Now, come on, let's go get twatted at The Jockey.
You wouldn't really have done it, would you,
you know, shagged me?
You'll never know, will you?
[screaming]
What are you doing, Shane?
The house stinks.
You're going to be the first to see it.
See what?
A little bit of atmos.
And what do you think?
Eh?
City's 1970 European Cup Winner's Cup Squad.
Franny Lee, Neil Young, little Colin Bell.
I'm going to sell him to the National
Football Museum in town.
Color that chart in, add a zero to the figures,
and then bingo, you're away.
Well, nobody knows exactly how much money was robbed.
Head office will think I've hit targets,
the insurance pays out, and I get to the Trafford Center.
Everybody's happy.
Everything OK?
Yeah, we just had a little chat, me and Cheryl.
She's a pretty good sounding board
for a couple of ideas of mine.
And it looks like she's on her way to running this place.
Really?
Yeah, I'm sorry, Frank.
Come on, Cheryl, paperwork to do.
Cheer up.
Have some pakora.
Hang on, we don't sell pakora.
Peace offering.
Karen says I was a bit hard on you.
And she's right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, an' all.
The second you think you know all the answers is
the second you fuck it all up.
She does a good job, because she's
scared of getting it wrong.
Yeah, well, she's usually bang on.
Woah, woah, there's no need for that.
It'll fit through.
Flip it on its side.
Hmm, you were right.
It is the wrong color.
99 times out of 100, anyway.
We know parenting is hard.
The wee man kicks off every time I try to brush his teeth.
He'll thank you for it one day.
Yeah, well, I never thanked you.
So thank you.
For brushing your teeth?
Yeah, mum, for brushing me teeth.
I don't know what you're thanking me for.
They're green and manky.
Yeah, well, that's your fault for buying
me sweets after visiting the dentist.
Er, a reward for being brave.
Er, mixed messages.
That's my fucking cat.
It was your cat.
You didn't want it, did you?
Er that was years ago.
Stuff we didn't know that we know now.
Like sugar rots your fucking teeth, mum?
You had one fucking chance.
I'm not a fucking dentist.
It's not fucking rocket science, is it?
You were a little twat when you were little.
I was four.
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Like it or not,
we're always learning something.
Someone wants to teach you a lesson
and put you on a steep learning curve.
But one day you've got to ask, when's the fucking exam?
I'm sick of being taught lessons.
I just want to be, that's all, be.
My name is Katherine Harmonica Joy Mimi Tutton.
And I'm a fuck up.
But so are you and you and you.
We're all fucked up.
None of us are perfect.
And none of us know everything.
And when we all finally fucking learn
that as our big fuck-off last lesson,
we'll all be able to get on living life
and have a great time.
So no news from the National Football Museum, then?
No, not a sausage, funnily enough.
But you know what they say, now, don't you,
one man's loss is another man's profit.
You bastard.
Five pound, your museum of pop, five pound.