FRANK: Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate is the Garden
of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank
Gallagher, and my kids, who I'm proud of,
'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which they've me to thank for.
Run!
Run for it!
FRANK: Fiona, who's a massive help.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him
Phillip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mom, which is handy for the others
because she's disappointed into thin air.
And Carl.
We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.
To nits love him.
Debbie!
Sent by God.
Total angel.
You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out
of her way to do you a favor.
Plus Liam!
Gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
The truth is out there. Not.
Fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.
Lend you anythin-- well, not anything.
But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one
of the most vital necessities in this life
is they know how to throw a party.
Heh, heh, heh, A scatter!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Over the hills, in a weird little land,
with fairies and goblins with more than two hands,
some gremlins, they say, can come with four eyes.
The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs.
The scariest thing to people like,
'cause nothing can touch them.
They're allergic to fuss.
Until Them mother appeared, started roaming their valley,
hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys.
No noise, no chewing, no signs of a fight,
devouring the children with a plate of French fries.
FRANK (SINGING): Oh, cockle my web.
I've been living through the pain.
Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh.
Morning, Jackie!
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): They swing for their souls
inside her belly.
She laughs at their struggle and turns them to jelly.
When she burps, the ground shakes.
The locals take cover, as the roar of dead children
repeats over and over.
Cheers, Fiona.
[plate dropping]
Oh, Dad!
(SINGING) Morning!
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I've got a feeling everything's going my way.
[dog barking and growling]
FIONA: It's not Friday.
What, like I only come round when there's a giro due?
POSTMAN: Don't go anywhere, Frank.
Hang o-- hang on.
Unpaid Water Board, 150.
County Court order!
Northwest Gas, 370!
For what?
Only a guess, but gas.
Catalogue bill, TV/video combi, 380.
Wha-- someone's taking the piss.
Who signed for the telly?
ALL: You!
(SLURRING) I'll take a-- a one for it.
All right, 90 and a shag.
80 and a bit of a poke.
[doorbell ringing]
But these are all for Bishop's Grove.
We haven't lived in Bishop's Grove for three years.
FIONA: So?
It's still in your name.
Yeah, but-- what is a bloody debt good for?
So are you paying it?
What's bloody Watchdog all about, then?
Where is it?
[doorbell ringing]
Ah, got it.
MAN (OUTSIDE): Frank Gallagher in?
DEBBIE: Who are you?
MAN OUTSIDE: Frank "Pay-You-Back" Gallagher.
DEBBIE: He's not in.
He doesn't live here.
FIONA: Hey, who are you?
Who said you could come in?
Two grand's worth of debt and still mounting up.
Right.
Check out the back.
[music playing] At
Jesus.
[tires squealing]
[crashing] [screaming]
Right, come on.
Right.
Agh!
Oof.
Right.
He pays up, or he does without.
And we're talking legs.
Where is he?
Right.
Telly for starters.
And the video.
I'll phone for the van, get the settee, eh?
You two, on your feet, now!
Yeah, I stuck a tape in for 007.
What?
I've stuck a tape in, and that's my tape.
- Shit! - Get your hands off him!
[crashing]
You little--
FIONA: You touch her and I'll kill you!
Frank?
Did your dad come this way?
He doesn't live here!
I just clipped him with a wing mirror.
He just ran straight into the van.
Hey, what's going on?
Debt recovery technicians.
TIC Security.
Tony, they barged straight in.
And this bastard has just kicked our Carl.
They're after your dad?
He doesn't live here.
Tell them!
Frank Gallagher has not lived here in a while.
Eh, that's funny.
So how come his name's on the-- on the rent
books of this address?
Eh, that's funny.
Which one of you breached Data Protection
to get that, then, eh?
Furniture's none of your business.
It belongs to Fiona.
So what are we, lads?
Technicians or burglars?
Sarge, you better bring the lads in.
Whoa, whoa.
[sirens blaring]
No, no.
Listen, the more you cover him, the more
your dad's gonna take the piss.
He won't change.
That's my problem, Tony.
No, it's you shouldering everybody
else's problem while he's lapping it
up round at Sheila Jackson's.
They're not your kids.
I don't have a choice.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You do.
You can come and live with me.
What?
17 grand a year, discount mortgage, yeah?
Preferential insurance rates.
No debts, except the--
well, no.
Come March, I'll even own the car outright.
I could change your life.
I've got the life I want.
And you are not blind.
You know I've got a boyfriend.
That bloke's not your friend.
Not if he's happy leaving you in that state.
You're bugging me now, Tony.
And I'm late for work.
Marry me.
I mean it, Fiona.
I love you.
Marry me.
FIONA: Come on.
What?
MP3 player all over again.
First you see, you buy.
But you still can't get it to download, can you?
You had sex with her once.
Frank Gallagher's daughter!
Talk about starting at rock-bleeding-bottom.
Ow!
It took you and Tamsin four years to buy a flat.
Yeah, well, good decisions need time.
Three months later, you're back at your mom's.
Tamsin owns the flat and she's moved her brother in.
She She just needs thinking time.
It is her brother.
Fuck off!
He's black!
[music playing]
Sorry, Yvonne.
I'm-- I thought someone was following us.
You're picking that up.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Exactly as it were before.
I will.
And while you're down there, you can dust the tins.
Just-- just watch the door.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense.
Why'd it take three years for the creditors to catch up?
Because we did a moonlight flit from our last place.
Yeah, a night I'll never forget.
Kids this high carrying furniture.
Couldn't tell a word Frank said.
Me and Kev thought they were Bosnians.
After a week, we were wishing they had been.
Yeah, all right, but nothing for three years,
and then everybody finds out at once.
Steve's right.
Plus, Dad were looking for a letter.
Meaning?
He were in top form. Why?
What was he waiting for?
He never gets letters here apart from his giro.
And all the bills were addressed
to Vernon Francis Gallagher.
I reckon he's broke the rules.
He's used his full name somewhere.
[doorbell ringing]
You go, Veronica.
If it's a bailiff, say I'm out.
Go, go, go, go, go!
It's never little Fiona?
No, it's little Veronica.
The fuck do you want?
Mr. Wilson, Housing Officer.
[music playing]
Don't lose him, George!
Hello, Frank.
Hey, Frank, while you're down there,
can you just mop that sick up?
Phillip.
Ian.
Deborah--
Debbie.
Carl.
And nope. - Liam.
Get away.
Liam Gallagher?
You're never gonna live that one down, my son.
You wee tinker.
So where's your dad?
He don't live here.
This house has six to eight berths.
I've got people on the list looking
for our houses this size.
So if all the berths aren't in use, you're out.
Plus, there's me.
Who are you?
I'm Frank's eldest, Stevie.
So Frank's--
Still in Iraq.
Come again?
He joined the army.
Now I know you're pulling my leg because I was on the phone
to Frank yesterday. We had an appointment here.
Never kid a kidder.
I don't like being lied to.
Start again.
It's four bedrooms or five here?
Four why?
Request from the Child Support Agency
for a domestic circumstances appraisal.
Ha!
Their phrase, not mine.
Hang on.
What's any of this got to do with the Child Support Agency?
Presumably because your mom asked for a summary.
Mom?
You know where she is?
Don't you?
So who filed the claim against her,
if your dad's not living here?
What have you done?
Do us a favor.
Ring this number.
Find out if Monica's there.
If she is, then tell her congratulations, she's won.
Who's Monica?
Doesn't matter.
Won what?
Well, you know, whatever.
Lottery.
Teddy bear.
For what?
Just do as you're told and make the call!
Just a teddy bear.
Massive!
Just say that.
Then I hope Monica, whoever she is,
worked very hard for it.
The f--
[door slamming]
Hey.
Come on.
What, you-- you think I'm going around chasing skirt?
Go on.
Game over, Sheila.
A bloke couldn't love anybody more than I love you.
Come on.
She's not really won a teddy.
And if I was giving away a teddy,
you'd be absolutely top of the list.
I'll let you give us one with the biggest in the box.
You sure you're ready for that?
Yeah, just give us a couple of aspirin and get it over
and done with.
Then you ring Monica, yeah?
Michael.
Over.
Anything your end, George?
Over.
GEORGE (ON RADIO): Nothing, Michael.
Over.
[beeping]
This will be ready in a sec.
Over.
GEORGE (ON RADIO): Am I coming over?
Over.
Yeah, come over.
Over.
Oh, hello.
Is he not in here?
Daren't go home.
Which is great for the till, so don't go cheering him up.
[machine music playing]
You know where Mom is, don't you?
No.
Liar.
We've had the housing officer round.
You know where she is because you filed a claim against her.
They know where she is.
They won't give us the address.
We have got bailiffs front and back 'cause of you.
Oh, here we go. 'Cause of me.
No one blames you mom, do they?
No one has a go at that pan-faced, gutless bitch.
Bloody right I've made a claim.
The pain she's caused me.
The shit Monica's loaded on me.
She's living it up with a bloke in Moston
and I'm fetching up six kids on fucking peanuts.
You are not bringing up six kids.
You never brought up six kids.
I am!
If there's any money coming, it's owed to me.
How do you know she's in Moston?
Jackie Peasgood gave me her number.
I guess that's how the CSA traced her.
It's a Moston code.
Have you talked to her?
[inaudible] fuck.
If she finds out I'm onto her, we won't see her for dust,
will we?
I want to see that money.
What?
She thinks she's won a teddy.
Monica?
Oh, hello.
It's Sheila here from Costchopper, the mini market.
I'm delighted to announce you've won the raffle.
It's a teddy bear.
First prize.
Biggest teddy there is.
I know.
I've never won anything, either.
I bet you're thrilled, aren't you?
I'm thrilled for you.
Anyway, prize-giving's at 6 o'clock.
Carol Vorderman's making the presentation.
She doesn't know who Carol is!
How could you not know who Carol Vorderman is?
Anyway, it's 6:00 on the dot.
Richard Whiteley might be there and all.
Bye, Monica.
She's never heard of Richard Whiteley.
Is she coming?
Richard Whiteley!
Did she say she was picking up the prize or not?
Yes.
Big, daft moo.
How do you know her, anyway?
So if she's daft enough to show her face,
I'm going to follow her and find out exactly where she's hiding.
We need you at home when Wilson comes back.
Well, when's he offering?
Tomorrow, 11:00.
All right.
I'll see if I can make it.
You will not see if you can anything.
You will bloody well be there and sort this out!
Ready, Frank?
Monica.
Monica?
All right.
What kind of money we talking?
Over 7 grand so far.
Christ.
Where'd your dad spend it all?
Not the house.
- Not clothes. - Not food.
Here we go.
One of the original labor-saving devices,
beaten only by the vibrator.
Veronica!
What?
They all know what a vibrator is.
That may be, but it's not for discussion in an open house.
Oh, grow up.
Right.
If it dries up, just gob on it.
See? - Eugh.
Right, kids. What am I doing?
[music playing]
Look at the state of her!
Your idea of a joke?
Because you're scared of women with opinions, eh?
Well, watch this space, crinkle dick.
I'll show you what's funny when I rip
the face off your fucking head!
You twisted, Fascist old shit!
Are you sure you got the right shop?
Yeah.
I'm asking you to think, Monica.
Did they say Costchopper?
Yeah!
I wrote it down.
I wrote everything down.
Stop talking to me like I'm stupid.
Frank?
What?
It's Frank!
Frank!
[inaudible] in the way.
Did you see the missus? - She's seen me.
Start the car! Come on!
She's here!
- Who's the other bird?
Her bloke. A truck driver.
What's all that about?
Eh?
Come on.
Floor it, Kev, or we're done for.
NORMA: Come here, you!
I'll get [inaudible] bastard!
[honking]
Come on!
Faster than this, you gormless dick!
[inaudible] faster than this.
I've got no other options.
Why the hell didn't you tell me she was a lezzer?
Oh, hello!
If I'd have known she was a lezzer,
I'd have asked her back, wouldn't I?
[honking]
Next exit, Kev!
Come on!
What did I tell you?
Milk and egg mixed by whisk, coat very gently,
it'll always crisp.
It smells fantastic, Sheila.
Thanks to you, the new Delia.
Actually, I've lost patience with Delia
since the new haircut.
It's too severe.
Plus, she never writes back.
What!
What about the bloody car?
Oh, for Chr-- get it shifted, you dateless ginger nonce!
You're crossing Don't there, Frank.
Ginger's all I've got left of me dad, so I'm warning you!
[revving]
Sheila! Key!
Backdoor key! Where have you put it?
I'm trying to concentrate a little bit
here, Frank, thank you.
Mom.
Mom?
Debbie?
Hey, it's nowt to do with me.
I'm just-- I'm just the driver.
That's driving?
Ha!
Anyway, I've got to get back to work.
I told them I'd only be a half hour.
There's plenty of other jobs.
That was a filthy bloody trick.
I had me heart sent on that teddy.
Oh!
Oh, teddy, is it?
Heart set, is it?
So what about your kids?
You know, your six kids, youngest
being four months old when you ran off with fucking Shrek.
Am I answering that, Monica?
No.
I didn't leave you, Frank.
You bloody did.
You pissed off!
I didn't leave me family.
You'd done just about your worst to destroy me.
When I turned up at Norma's that night, I was like a bloody--
Emotional cripple.
--total emotional cripple, with
not one iota of self-respect.
You drove me into the ground.
You'd robbed me of any dignity I ever had and--
where's the rest of the kids? - They live down at Fiona's.
Playing out.
George? Over.
GEORGE (ON RADIO): Michael. Over.
Oy!
Sit down, mate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
[chatter]
Debbie?
What's up, sweetheart?
Did he have one too many?
Ugh.
Just ignore him.
Why do you always blame dad first?
ALL: Hey!
Come on!
Oy, come on.
I'm going round Sheila's.
Mom's around there.
Oh, Christ, Fiona, come here.
Is this-- is this a good idea?
I don't know.
It wasn't mine, was it?
She just rolled up.
Scared the shit out of Debbie.
Listen.
I know how you feel.
You can't.
What if you just go around?
I'll come with you.
Look at their faces, for fuck's sakes.
I'll be with you.
We both will.
Won't we?
Wrong, Carl.
Because I am not fucking coming.
You abused her.
Oh, she asked me to.
Walloping her?
What?
When?
- Frank, you never! - Oh, fuck off.
When?
That May bank holiday.
Oh, you hit me in the face with a pan of fucking porridge!
- And you hit me back! - So?
Queensberry rules.
You broke me nose and two front teeth!
[inaudible] casualty, looking like Ann fucking Widdecombe!
You started it, you mad bitch.
And I'll finish it if you lay a finger on her.
Norma, we're both just third parties here.
Why don't we both just duck out and leave
Monica to make her apologies?
Apologies?
For walking out on this piece of shit?
Not particularly.
For walking out on them.
Oh my God.
It's all right.
I'm not one of yours.
Just came for a look.
Oh, Kev!
Come on. Let us in.
I know you don't need anybody, Debs, but what if I do?
[door opening]
FEMALE HOST (ON TV): --female genital mutilation is--
for all of the female genitalia.
The most severe [inaudible] circumcision--
Monica's-- she looks absolutely beautiful.
I miss her.
I'll have paid this house off by the time I'm 54.
We put down a big deposit.
You use love eggs?
Not so much these days.
Not since Frank.
My mom had a pair before they were even fashionable.
I remember thinking, Easter's a long way off.
What the fuck are you on, Sheila?
Oh God, now you're asking!
Seroxin, 350 milligrams, breakfast and teatime.
Dipipanol, 25s, three times daily.
Praxil, 200s.
No, I tell a lie.
It's 400s.
Come Monday, just breakfasts.
And carbamazepine, whenever I'm able to take them.
[MUSIC - JOAN ARMATRADING, "LOVE AND AFFECTION"]
(SINGING) I am not in love.
But I'm open to persuasion.
East or west, where's the best for romancin'?
With a friend, I can smile.
With a lover, I can hold my head back
and really laugh, really laugh.
Thank you.
What you sticking your ass out for?
Blast these shoes.
[wolf whistle]
[barking]
Frank, you're scaring the dogs.
[inaudible] scaring them's an improvement.
Save you a bob or two on drinks.
I'm doing this for you.
No, you're not, Dad.
You're doing this because you're dead if you don't.
George. Over.
GEORGE (ON RADIO): Michael. Over.
There's a ropey old bird here with the eldest daughter.
His missus, probably.
She looks more hungover than he does,
so I bet he's not far away.
Keep your eyes peeled your end.
Over.
GEORGE (ON RADIO): Over.
I'm a wee bit early.
If you think I'm walking back in these,
you got another fucking thing coming.
Frank?
Never!
There's these-- these blokes out there--
I don't want to know about blokes out there [inaudible]..
Not from you. - Fuck off.
No, what I'm saying--
That sounded far-fetched.
Now we know why.
I've started, so I might as well finish.
Are you living here officially or not?
Well, I'm here, aren't I?
Shut up.
Surely are.
But sleeping where?
My bedroom, back left.
Hey, look, Billy, how long have we known each other?
What we need to know--
I think I know a sight more than I wanted.
Back left is Debbie's room. - No.
Yeah.
How many beds, Deborah?
Do I nip upstairs and look?
Single.
We chucked the double out when--
Wait.
Stop right there.
I am way out of my league.
Billy-- Mr. Wilson, don't do that because Dad's right.
They made me do this!
You see, I've got to avoid people, you see?
- You're avoiding them, Frank. - Yeah.
Is that right, Frank?
That's right.
How long have I been doing this job?
I'm not a scaredy-cat.
I housed your mom when she was on parole.
Nobody else would touch her. - I know.
I know. - And you were a teenager.
I've done nothing but favors.
But now--
No.
--you've had it.
That's your copy of the report.
Good luck with the CSA claim, because when you get it,
I want 2 grand off you.
Tw-- what f--
what for, for fuck's sake?
Rent arrears from your last address and your other name.
And don't think you'll get away with that one,
because I'll haunt you till the day you die
for every last penny, madam.
Argh!
What'd you do that for?
Mr. Wilson, are you OK?
That's it!
That's all you can do!
He'll do you for assault Saw you gormless prick!
- Are you OK, Mr. Wilson? - What?
He started it!
Get some ice or something.
Keep your head back in case it's bleeding.
I try.
I blow it.
That's why I don't go to church anymore!
The wife's gone walkabout, George.
She's looking a bit knocked about.
Over.
Rough as assholes, actually.
Over.
Ta, Ta, Michael.
Bloke from Housing's just come out with a busted nose.
Over.
He must be in there. Go, go, go.
I'll talk to the missus.
Over.
[music playing]
Is anyone around here normal?
Frank!
You think you're clever, Frank?
Do you reckon this is clever?
Steady on, Michael.
Do you know what your new name is, Frank?
You know what people are calling you around here?
Dead Man Walking.
So when you change into your nightie,
just sleep on this for us--
- Do you want one? - No.
Then clear it up and fuck off!
You and all!
Men, eh?
There, mate.
2.30.
Ta.
I'm not in market for business, love.
Who's fucking asking?
I only wanted a light.
Sorry.
It's just that, well, today's been a bit, you know.
New job.
Trying to get used to it.
Aw.
Who do you work for?
Tight Security. Yay.
Ooh.
I know.
I'm not proud of it, but lost my job.
I've got three kids and a new mortgage.
VERONICA: I love kids, me.
And I love mortgages.
But in that order.
So what have you got, then?
Right.
Well, I've got an endowment, a repayment,
and the new one's a tracker.
Tracker?
How does that work?
It Goes up and down with interest rates.
- Up and down, does it? - Yeah.
You'll have to tell me about that one.
- Oh, I'll get you a leaflet. - Will you?
Yeah.
[doorbell ringing]
Come on, darling.
Come and have some tea.
I'm not very hungry.
Nice and clean.
Ian and Carl.
You've done well here.
Thanks.
It's bigger than mine, and I'm working.
Oh, look!
Remember Barbara?
Mom's sister, Barbara?
Oh, I told you about her.
Married to the john with no eyebrows.
Oh, right.
Barbara gave me this as part of me wedding present.
Other part being what?
When did you last see the car?
It was parked outside.
But when did you last have the keys?
In here.
In me pocket.
In here?
All right.
Who's the smartass?
I'll count to five.
Five.
ALL: Four. Three.
Two.
One.
Waste of fucking space.
Phone a taxi!
The phone was in the car.
Get out here!
ALL: [jeering]
Look, I know what you all think of me.
But if I have to start apologizing,
I'll be undoing a lot of good therapy
that Norma's been kind enough to pay for.
Thank you, Norma.
You got kids, Norma?
Not yet.
What, you got a problem with that?
Norma.
I'm just trying to work out which one of you
came up with the idea of her vanishing.
Mom, doing a disappearing act.
Liam wasn't desperate because he was only three months old.
Debbie was.
Carl was.
Ian was.
Lip was.
I was.
We thought you were dead.
I'm a lesbian, Fiona.
Is she?
How was I meant to come back and tell you that?
Gently?
In stages, or never.
So is she?
Your mom's been through hell and high water, Fiona.
Yeah.
Better believe it, girl.
You could have popped back for five minutes.
You might have mentioned you were still alive.
Might have helped.
NORMA: You weren't.
I wasn't alive, Fiona.
Not until I met Norma.
Look, I swear to you, Fiona, I had
stuck it in me diary to ring you next week, for your 21st.
You know, to say hello and well done.
What good were that meant to do?
I mean, she's done a great job.
Look at you all.
I swear to you, Lip, to all of you.
I'd never have left if I didn't think Fiona could cope.
I taught her everything she knows.
She could run rings round your dad before she was seven.
I knew you'd be safe.
Oh.
Well, you could, couldn't you?
I mean, it's not like I left anybody in a mess.
I knew Fiona could cope.
Lip, Ian, tell her how many GCSEs you're doing.
I'm doing 10.
Seven or eight, I'm not too sure yet.
Debbie, prizes this year.
English, maths, chemistry, and neatness.
Carl, you tell her what you built when you went to Swindon.
Triple-cushion double-aerofoil streamlined hovercraft.
Went like a bomb.
Hovercraft, to you.
What was he doing in Swindon?
Two week residential for speech therapy.
Took me a year to get him a place, but I did it.
So yeah, I coped. Thanks.
No thanks.
Not to you.
Look, if anybody could change your dad, she could.
I knew that.
He hasn't changed!
Has he changed?
Well, he's a lot cleaner.
He's about as much help to us as you've been.
We'd have been better off without both of you.
But you couldn't have known that when you fucked off
and left us to it, could you?
You didn't know.
You never bothered finding out.
[beeping]
I told you I'd get all the blame, didn't I?
I talked to loads of people, right,
and I heard how you were getting on.
Big fucking deal.
Oh!
I'm not happy with all this underage swearing.
Oh, that's fine, Norma, because I'm fucking off,
anyway.
I am proud of every one of them.
And I am proud of me for pulling it off.
But they're your kids.
So you take over from here.
Housing Office, bailiffs, schools,
clinic, over to you, Mom!
Hey, hey, hey, Fiona, you OK?
Your house.
Drive.
[music - "crazy"]
(SINGING) Crazy.
I'm crazy for feeling so lonely.
I'm crazy.
I'm crazy for feeling so blue.
DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): The bitch, as she's
called in the company elves, brought this tormenting curse
upon herself.
She'd been on a bender and staggered home,
pissed, found an eighth and some Rizlas,
and rolled out a spliff.
Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack.
She ate her own kids and then spat them straight back.
"Forgive me, my beautiful, what a dreadful mistake."
The children can't hear her.
They've gone.
It's too late.
Sweet Jesus, no.
Both wrists and a bottle of tablets.
I blame myself.
Dead?
How?
Woman over there says heart attack.
I couldn't understand what I've done wrong!
Boo! Two and half grand and counting!
Steven McBride, I'm arresting you on suspicion--
Oh no!
I want a lawyer.
He's dead and he's not coming back!
[music playing]