1
00:00:01,522 --> 00:00:03,089
* I am the stone
The builder refused *
2
00:00:03,089 --> 00:00:04,556
* I am the visual
The inspiration *
3
00:00:04,556 --> 00:00:06,023
* That made lady
Sing the blues *
4
00:00:06,023 --> 00:00:07,923
* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *
5
00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:09,522
* The same spark
That lights the dark *
6
00:00:09,522 --> 00:00:11,156
* So that you can know
Left from right *
7
00:00:11,156 --> 00:00:13,290
* I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun *
8
00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:14,789
* The inner glow
That lets you know *
9
00:00:14,789 --> 00:00:15,923
* To call your brother sun *
10
00:00:15,923 --> 00:00:17,223
* The story that just begun *
11
00:00:17,223 --> 00:00:18,756
* The promise
Of what's to come *
12
00:00:18,756 --> 00:00:19,989
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
13
00:00:19,989 --> 00:00:21,722
* Till the war is won
Won *
14
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,489
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
15
00:00:24,489 --> 00:00:27,123
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
16
00:00:27,123 --> 00:00:29,089
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
17
00:00:29,089 --> 00:00:31,123
* Chop, chop, chop *
18
00:00:32,489 --> 00:00:35,422
[LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
19
00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:38,051
Now wait just one
cotton-picking minute!
20
00:00:38,051 --> 00:00:39,519
Who this?
21
00:00:39,519 --> 00:00:42,318
You better tell me
who the hell up in my house,
22
00:00:42,318 --> 00:00:44,719
before I get to capping.
I ain't lying.
23
00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:45,719
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
24
00:00:45,719 --> 00:00:46,918
Ma Dukes, this is Jesse.
25
00:00:46,918 --> 00:00:48,152
He's my...
My new friend.
26
00:00:48,152 --> 00:00:49,218
New friend, huh?
27
00:00:49,218 --> 00:00:50,252
Does that mean he's...
28
00:00:50,252 --> 00:00:51,585
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
29
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,285
beating up the coochie?
30
00:00:54,285 --> 00:00:55,852
That's what "new friend"
mean to me.
31
00:00:55,852 --> 00:00:57,619
Hold on.
Hey, Jamal!
32
00:00:57,619 --> 00:00:58,619
Yes, Ma Dukes?
33
00:00:58,619 --> 00:01:00,085
Ow!
I just had to
34
00:01:00,085 --> 00:01:02,252
slap the shit out
of somebody for no reason.
35
00:01:02,252 --> 00:01:04,085
Now, what was it you were
trying to say
36
00:01:04,085 --> 00:01:05,452
about your special friend?
37
00:01:05,452 --> 00:01:08,051
His name is Jesse and he's
a good Christian man,
38
00:01:08,051 --> 00:01:09,519
with benefits.
39
00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:12,452
Benefits? Shoot, girl,
why didn't you say so?
40
00:01:12,452 --> 00:01:15,619
Good mernting! Hell, you can
get me for no extra charge.
41
00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:17,185
Oh, honey, this booty
is still good.
42
00:01:17,185 --> 00:01:19,385
You can go ahead and check
the expiration date on it.
43
00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:20,719
I ain't lying.
44
00:01:20,719 --> 00:01:22,152
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
45
00:01:22,152 --> 00:01:24,752
Dip it low.
BOY: Man, look at her booty.
46
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,918
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Holler.
47
00:01:26,918 --> 00:01:30,185
Granddad, why are we watching
a Winston Jerome play?
48
00:01:30,185 --> 00:01:31,685
Aw, shut up, boy.
Stop hating.
49
00:01:31,685 --> 00:01:33,118
It just so happens
50
00:01:33,118 --> 00:01:35,619
Winston Jerome is holding
an open casting call
51
00:01:35,619 --> 00:01:37,252
for the leading man
in his new play,
52
00:01:37,252 --> 00:01:39,051
and I'm preparing
for my audition.
53
00:01:39,051 --> 00:01:41,118
Audition?
Like an acting audition?
54
00:01:41,118 --> 00:01:42,719
The acting audition
of a lifetime.
55
00:01:42,719 --> 00:01:44,352
But you don't act.
Don't act?
56
00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:46,118
Your granddaddy was once
a passionate,
57
00:01:46,118 --> 00:01:47,951
dedicated thespian. Oh!
58
00:01:47,951 --> 00:01:50,485
But this was long before
the days of Terrence Howard.
59
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,918
See, Hollywood didn't have room
60
00:01:51,918 --> 00:01:53,985
for a young, handsome,
light-skinned black man
61
00:01:53,985 --> 00:01:55,252
with good hair in those days.
62
00:01:55,252 --> 00:01:56,285
DIRECTOR:
And action.
63
00:01:56,285 --> 00:01:57,951
They call me Mr. Pibb.
64
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,652
[MEN LAUGHING] What's so funny?
65
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,752
MAN 1:
Mr. Pibb.
That's a soda's name.
66
00:02:01,752 --> 00:02:04,218
Oh, is it Ribs?
They call me Mr. Ribs.
67
00:02:04,218 --> 00:02:06,252
MAN 2 [LAUGHING]:
He is so bad.
68
00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:09,519
Bullshit,
Mr. Handy Man.
69
00:02:10,951 --> 00:02:12,852
[BONE CRACKS]
Oh! My foot! My foot!
70
00:02:12,852 --> 00:02:15,519
Oh, ooh, cramp!
Cramping real bad! Oh!
71
00:02:15,519 --> 00:02:17,218
Maybe you'd like
to see a real man.
72
00:02:17,218 --> 00:02:19,419
I bet you stay up late
dreaming you had a real man.
73
00:02:19,419 --> 00:02:21,085
I pity the fool.
DIRECTOR: Thank you.
74
00:02:21,085 --> 00:02:23,252
That's enough.
We'll call you.
75
00:02:23,252 --> 00:02:24,652
Thank you for the opportunity.
76
00:02:24,652 --> 00:02:26,352
[SOBS]
77
00:02:26,352 --> 00:02:28,652
Breaking into Hollywood
at your age?
78
00:02:28,652 --> 00:02:30,485
He's looking for mature men.
79
00:02:30,485 --> 00:02:31,719
See?
Look right here.
80
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,585
"Casting for black leading man,
50 and older.
81
00:02:34,585 --> 00:02:37,051
"Light-skinned, good hair,
must look nice shirtless,
82
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:38,552
and not allergic
to baby oil."
83
00:02:38,552 --> 00:02:39,685
That's me all day.
84
00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:41,185
Don't you ever think
you're too old
85
00:02:41,185 --> 00:02:42,485
to do some
of that stuff you do?
86
00:02:42,485 --> 00:02:43,752
Why can't I be a sex symbol?
87
00:02:43,752 --> 00:02:45,118
Why can't I be a heartthrob?
88
00:02:45,118 --> 00:02:46,852
I say do it
before it's too late.
89
00:02:46,852 --> 00:02:50,118
And it's gonna be too late
real soon. So, uh, yeah,
90
00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:51,852
hurry up.
Thank you, Riley.
91
00:02:51,852 --> 00:02:53,385
I'm gonna really
let him have it.
92
00:02:53,385 --> 00:02:54,485
Show them my stuff.
93
00:02:54,485 --> 00:02:56,252
Give that man everything I got.
94
00:02:56,252 --> 00:02:57,419
RILEY: Pause.
Pause?
95
00:02:57,419 --> 00:02:58,685
Pause what?
96
00:02:58,685 --> 00:03:01,252
You said something gay,
so you gotta say "no homo,"
97
00:03:01,252 --> 00:03:02,452
or else you's a homo.
98
00:03:02,452 --> 00:03:03,552
And what did I say gay?
99
00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,118
You said you was gonna
give this dude
100
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,419
everything you got, no homo.
101
00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:07,452
That's not gay, I said
102
00:03:07,452 --> 00:03:09,218
I was gonna give the man
everything I got.
103
00:03:09,218 --> 00:03:11,085
Pause, Granddad.
If it sound gay, it's gay,
104
00:03:11,085 --> 00:03:12,685
and you gotta say "no homo."
105
00:03:12,685 --> 00:03:14,185
How I know you not a homo,
Granddad,
106
00:03:14,185 --> 00:03:15,385
if you don't say "no homo"?
107
00:03:15,385 --> 00:03:16,619
I'm not saying "no homo".
108
00:03:16,619 --> 00:03:17,886
Okay, you wanna be a homo.
109
00:03:17,886 --> 00:03:19,485
Stop calling
your granddaddy a homo!
110
00:03:19,485 --> 00:03:21,685
Then say "no homo."
I don't wanna say "no homo."
111
00:03:21,685 --> 00:03:24,585
I'm gonna homo your ass if
you don't stop saying "pause."
112
00:03:24,585 --> 00:03:26,018
RILEY:
Pause.
113
00:03:27,552 --> 00:03:29,619
HUEY:
The typical Winston Jerome
story starts
114
00:03:29,619 --> 00:03:32,018
with a beautiful, educated,
professional black woman,
115
00:03:32,018 --> 00:03:33,552
trapped in a troubled marriage
116
00:03:33,552 --> 00:03:35,786
with the brown-skinned bald
dude from Law & Order.
117
00:03:35,786 --> 00:03:37,318
How can you do this to me?
Get out!
118
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,819
I'm gonna marry
this white hussy,
119
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,519
because you are
too virtuous and strong
120
00:03:40,519 --> 00:03:42,185
and might make me a better man.
121
00:03:42,185 --> 00:03:44,485
Then a dude who looks like
Shemar Moore shows up
122
00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:46,285
as the shirtless
light-skinned gardener
123
00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:47,519
who just got out of jail.
124
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,752
Excuse me, uh,
may I rake your leaves?
125
00:03:49,752 --> 00:03:51,419
At first she acts
like she doesn't like
126
00:03:51,419 --> 00:03:52,752
the light-skinned gardener.
127
00:03:52,752 --> 00:03:54,252
But eventually
she gets to know him
128
00:03:54,252 --> 00:03:55,652
and sees his sensitive side.
129
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,252
Now I know that to you,
I'm just a poor,
130
00:03:57,252 --> 00:03:59,619
light-skinned gardener who
can't even afford a shirt.
131
00:03:59,619 --> 00:04:02,519
But I love me some Jesus,
and I love me some you.
132
00:04:02,519 --> 00:04:04,918
Oh, Lord, thank you, Jesus.
133
00:04:04,918 --> 00:04:06,619
I never thought
I'd ever be with a man
134
00:04:06,619 --> 00:04:08,185
so loving
and light-skinned.
135
00:04:08,185 --> 00:04:11,385
And I will always be
light-skinned just for you.
136
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,951
Being a good Christian woman,
137
00:04:12,951 --> 00:04:15,886
she gives her marriage one last
chance because Jesus said so.
138
00:04:15,886 --> 00:04:19,552
I am dark-skinned and bald,
so I hate you and I hate Jesus!
139
00:04:19,552 --> 00:04:21,819
And just when the brown-skinned
dude from Law & Order
140
00:04:21,819 --> 00:04:24,185
is about to hit her, here comes
the shirtless gardener.
141
00:04:24,185 --> 00:04:26,752
Hold it right there, bald-headed
dude from Law & Order.
142
00:04:26,752 --> 00:04:28,552
The woman
and the gardener kiss,
143
00:04:28,552 --> 00:04:30,452
having found true love
through Jesus.
144
00:04:30,452 --> 00:04:33,719
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
145
00:04:33,719 --> 00:04:35,419
MAN 1:
Which role you
auditioning for?
146
00:04:35,419 --> 00:04:37,085
Oh, no, no,
you can't get her...
147
00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:38,385
I didn't think there would be
148
00:04:38,385 --> 00:04:40,018
this many people here
just for a play.
149
00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,918
Just a play?
Let me tell you something.
150
00:04:41,918 --> 00:04:44,218
It starts with the play,
but if he like you in the play,
151
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:45,685
then you in the movie
of the play.
152
00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:47,452
And if he like you
in the movie of the play,
153
00:04:47,452 --> 00:04:49,619
now you in the TV spinoff
of the movie of the play.
154
00:04:49,619 --> 00:04:50,819
Wait a minute.
155
00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:52,352
You're Kadeem Hardison.
156
00:04:52,352 --> 00:04:54,719
Star of TV's A Different World.
What are you doing here?
157
00:04:54,719 --> 00:04:55,985
I don't know if you know this,
158
00:04:55,985 --> 00:04:57,918
but there ain't exactly
a bunch of other shit
159
00:04:57,918 --> 00:04:59,085
we could be doing right now.
160
00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:00,819
What, I'm supposed
to wait for the next
161
00:05:00,819 --> 00:05:03,452
Akeelah and the Bee
to pay my mortgage? No thanks.
162
00:05:03,452 --> 00:05:06,585
MAN 1: Look, it's him.
MAN 2: Shh!
163
00:05:06,585 --> 00:05:08,051
[MEN WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
164
00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:11,485
[***]
165
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,285
Mm-hm.
166
00:05:13,285 --> 00:05:14,719
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
167
00:05:14,719 --> 00:05:15,951
Mm-mm.
168
00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:17,951
Mr. Jerome would like
to see you.
169
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:21,352
He would?
You won't be needing that shirt.
170
00:05:21,352 --> 00:05:22,685
MAN:
Oh, he want him.
171
00:05:22,685 --> 00:05:25,118
JEROME:
Jesus told me in my next play,
172
00:05:25,118 --> 00:05:27,985
Ma Dukes should
find herself a man.
173
00:05:27,985 --> 00:05:29,819
So I've decided
to call this play,
174
00:05:29,819 --> 00:05:32,285
Ma Dukes
Finds Herself a Man.
175
00:05:32,285 --> 00:05:34,519
Do you think you're man enough
for Ma Dukes, Robert?
176
00:05:34,519 --> 00:05:36,152
Yeah, I think so. Yes.
177
00:05:36,152 --> 00:05:37,652
Try this line:
178
00:05:37,652 --> 00:05:41,886
"Ma Dukes, you are a strong,
intelligent black woman
179
00:05:41,886 --> 00:05:43,652
who will make me
a better man."
180
00:05:43,652 --> 00:05:44,819
[INHALES]
181
00:05:44,819 --> 00:05:46,218
Ma Dukes...
JEROME: Wait, wait.
182
00:05:46,218 --> 00:05:48,352
Uh, something's off.
183
00:05:48,352 --> 00:05:49,485
Lotion!
184
00:05:49,485 --> 00:05:51,452
[***]
185
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,719
What flavor you want, man?
186
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,385
I got Tropical Peach,
Sunrise Orange,
187
00:05:54,385 --> 00:05:55,752
Minty Mango, and Apricot.
188
00:05:55,752 --> 00:05:57,918
Or I can take two flavors
and swirl them together.
189
00:05:57,918 --> 00:05:59,918
Just tell me
which ones you like.
190
00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,252
You want me
to pick one for you?
191
00:06:01,252 --> 00:06:02,852
Uh, okay.
192
00:06:02,852 --> 00:06:04,118
Minty Mango it is.
193
00:06:06,452 --> 00:06:08,385
[GRUNTING]
194
00:06:09,585 --> 00:06:11,085
Turn around.
195
00:06:11,085 --> 00:06:12,085
Hey!
196
00:06:12,085 --> 00:06:13,385
You want me to pop these bumps?
197
00:06:13,385 --> 00:06:16,018
Uh, no.
All right, you good then.
198
00:06:16,018 --> 00:06:18,352
Okay, Robert. Again.
199
00:06:18,352 --> 00:06:21,085
Ma Dukes...
That's it!
200
00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:22,852
Breathtaking!
201
00:06:22,852 --> 00:06:27,218
You know, I remember when I sat
down to write my first play.
202
00:06:27,218 --> 00:06:30,152
I asked Jesus,
"Will you co-write with me?"
203
00:06:30,152 --> 00:06:31,786
And he said, "Yes."
Yes.
204
00:06:31,786 --> 00:06:32,951
And I told Jesus,
205
00:06:32,951 --> 00:06:34,652
"I want to write
plays for women.
206
00:06:34,652 --> 00:06:36,218
What do women want to see?"
207
00:06:36,218 --> 00:06:39,252
And Jesus said, "sexy men."
208
00:06:39,252 --> 00:06:41,619
Since that day,
I've searched the world
209
00:06:41,619 --> 00:06:43,585
for the sexiest
black men alive.
210
00:06:43,585 --> 00:06:46,252
And I found them:
My shirtless men.
211
00:06:46,252 --> 00:06:48,419
And Jesus was pleased.
212
00:06:48,419 --> 00:06:50,185
I didn't know
religion worked like that.
213
00:06:50,185 --> 00:06:51,552
Then I asked Jesus,
214
00:06:51,552 --> 00:06:54,252
"How could I further spread
your message on earth?"
215
00:06:54,252 --> 00:06:57,585
And he said, "cross-dressing."
216
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,552
And so I put on
a dress and a wig.
217
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,819
And Jesus was pleased.
218
00:07:01,819 --> 00:07:04,018
With that dress, that wig
219
00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:07,485
and these beautiful,
muscular gifts from God,
220
00:07:07,485 --> 00:07:09,652
I have built an empire.
221
00:07:09,652 --> 00:07:12,786
And soon,
I will crush Ice Cube,
222
00:07:12,786 --> 00:07:16,652
and my supremacy of black
Hollywood will be complete.
223
00:07:16,652 --> 00:07:18,118
Ice Cube?
We don't allow
224
00:07:18,118 --> 00:07:19,719
just anyone on this journey.
225
00:07:19,719 --> 00:07:23,485
Have you accepted Jesus Christ
as your Lord and savior, Robert?
226
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,485
Yeah, uh, I guess.
227
00:07:25,485 --> 00:07:27,951
Get on your knees, Robert.
228
00:07:27,951 --> 00:07:29,485
Ow!
On your knees, Robert.
229
00:07:29,485 --> 00:07:31,085
Okay. Damn,
you got big hands.
230
00:07:31,085 --> 00:07:35,085
Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your Lord and savior, Robert?
231
00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:36,652
Yes.
Do you accept me,
232
00:07:36,652 --> 00:07:38,951
Winston Jerome,
as the representative
233
00:07:38,951 --> 00:07:41,452
of Jesus Christ in the TV
and movie business?
234
00:07:41,452 --> 00:07:42,619
Sure, I guess.
235
00:07:42,619 --> 00:07:44,852
Do you renounce Ice Cube
and all his works?
236
00:07:44,852 --> 00:07:46,519
Well, you know,
I kinda like Friday...
237
00:07:46,519 --> 00:07:49,619
Do you renounce Ice Cube
and all his works?
238
00:07:49,619 --> 00:07:51,185
I renounce Ice Cube.
Louder!
239
00:07:51,185 --> 00:07:52,352
I renounce Ice Cube!
240
00:07:52,352 --> 00:07:54,519
And all his works!
And all his works!
241
00:07:54,519 --> 00:07:58,285
Including Friday?
Yes! Including Friday! Yes!
242
00:07:58,285 --> 00:07:59,719
Rise.
243
00:07:59,719 --> 00:08:03,552
Rise, my new leading man!
244
00:08:03,552 --> 00:08:05,552
[***]
245
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:08,385
We're having a fondue shindig
tonight. You should come.
246
00:08:11,051 --> 00:08:13,352
Tom, thanks for agreeing
to watch the boys tonight.
247
00:08:13,352 --> 00:08:14,619
No problem, Robert.
I mean,
248
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,786
this is your big break.
So, what is he like?
249
00:08:16,786 --> 00:08:18,352
Who, Winston?
250
00:08:18,352 --> 00:08:20,452
Uh, nice guy, down to earth.
251
00:08:20,452 --> 00:08:22,819
Nothing strange or freaky
or bizarre about him at all.
252
00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:24,519
Nope, nothing
out of the ordinary.
253
00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:25,918
[LAUGHS]
254
00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:27,886
I just think he's the best.
255
00:08:27,886 --> 00:08:30,951
That's what people need more of:
Positive entertainment.
256
00:08:30,951 --> 00:08:32,285
Without all the cursing
257
00:08:32,285 --> 00:08:34,452
and people saying
the N-word all the time.
258
00:08:34,452 --> 00:08:36,652
Hey, are there gonna be
some steamy scenes
259
00:08:36,652 --> 00:08:38,218
to look forward to, huh?
260
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,585
Who's the lucky leading lady?
261
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:42,552
Uh, actually, um,
they haven't cast her yet.
262
00:08:42,552 --> 00:08:45,385
Probably, uh, Savannah Lathem,
maybe Halle Berry.
263
00:08:45,385 --> 00:08:46,419
You know, somebody hot.
264
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:47,886
Man, stop lying.
265
00:08:47,886 --> 00:08:49,852
Granddad's leading lady
is a dude.
266
00:08:49,852 --> 00:08:51,685
What?
Shut up. You don't know nothing.
267
00:08:51,685 --> 00:08:53,018
We read the script, Granddad.
268
00:08:53,018 --> 00:08:54,685
How dare you.
That's top-secret.
269
00:08:54,685 --> 00:08:56,685
It was really, really terrible,
by the way.
270
00:08:56,685 --> 00:08:58,419
Don't front, Granddad.
271
00:08:58,419 --> 00:09:00,118
You playing a dude's boyfriend.
272
00:09:00,118 --> 00:09:02,852
It's that Winston Jerome guy
in a dress. Ha-ha!
273
00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:04,552
You mean Ma Dukes?
274
00:09:04,552 --> 00:09:06,152
You're playing
Ma Dukes' boyfriend?
275
00:09:06,152 --> 00:09:07,352
There are no love scenes.
276
00:09:07,352 --> 00:09:09,118
Granddad's gonna need
to have "no homo"
277
00:09:09,118 --> 00:09:11,051
tattooed on his forehead
after this.
278
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,118
There are no love scenes!
279
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,552
I think that's great.
280
00:09:13,552 --> 00:09:15,485
Robert,
you're a real actor now,
281
00:09:15,485 --> 00:09:17,352
completely dedicated
to the part.
282
00:09:17,352 --> 00:09:18,886
I say do the love scenes.
283
00:09:18,886 --> 00:09:20,118
But there are no love scenes.
284
00:09:20,118 --> 00:09:22,218
Well, I think it's gay.
Dude wear a dress.
285
00:09:22,218 --> 00:09:23,685
Jesus told him
to wear that dress.
286
00:09:23,685 --> 00:09:26,118
You just mad
because Jesus doesn't love you.
287
00:09:26,118 --> 00:09:28,719
[***]
288
00:09:30,218 --> 00:09:31,719
[THUNDER CRASHING]
289
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,419
Hello, Robert.
290
00:09:37,419 --> 00:09:40,051
We're so glad
you decided to join us.
291
00:09:40,051 --> 00:09:41,118
Come in.
292
00:09:41,118 --> 00:09:43,819
I don't mind if I do, cupcakes.
293
00:09:48,051 --> 00:09:49,385
[***]
294
00:09:49,385 --> 00:09:51,385
* Hello, how do you do? *
295
00:09:51,385 --> 00:09:54,385
* We're so glad
You joined our crew *
296
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:57,285
* Welcome to our
Lovely compound *
297
00:09:57,285 --> 00:10:00,552
* Where it all goes down *
298
00:10:00,552 --> 00:10:02,519
* Hot oil, bananas And cream *
299
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,719
* Bananas and cream *
300
00:10:03,719 --> 00:10:06,285
JEROME:
* White unicorns
And wet dreams *
301
00:10:06,285 --> 00:10:07,786
* Wet dreams *
* Rainbow and lace *
302
00:10:07,786 --> 00:10:09,552
* Oh, it makes me
Want to scream *
303
00:10:09,552 --> 00:10:12,318
* Anything is possible
With Jesus on our team *
304
00:10:12,318 --> 00:10:16,786
* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *
305
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,252
* Whoo *
306
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,318
* Jesus gave me a vision *
307
00:10:21,318 --> 00:10:24,918
* To make plays
And dress like women *
308
00:10:24,918 --> 00:10:27,585
* To wear corsets
And real fine linen *
309
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:31,218
* Big bras with a lot
Of padding in 'em *
310
00:10:31,218 --> 00:10:33,519
* Am I feminine?
I know you have suspicions *
311
00:10:33,519 --> 00:10:35,218
* But I'm all man Trust me *
312
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:36,652
* We could switch positions *
313
00:10:36,652 --> 00:10:41,085
* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *
314
00:10:42,619 --> 00:10:46,685
* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *
315
00:10:48,918 --> 00:10:49,886
ALL:
Whoo!
316
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,852
Wow.
Is that in the play?
317
00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:55,519
No, we just do that for fun.
318
00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:57,218
Come, let me show you
the compound.
319
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,514
JEROME:
The cast and crew of my plays
are like family.
320
00:11:03,515 --> 00:11:07,181
We work together,
eat together, pray together.
321
00:11:07,181 --> 00:11:09,415
Now, let me show you
where you'll be staying.
322
00:11:09,415 --> 00:11:10,914
Uh, did you say staying?
323
00:11:10,914 --> 00:11:12,682
Oh, yes. You'll live
here at the compound
324
00:11:12,682 --> 00:11:14,014
during the run of the play.
325
00:11:14,014 --> 00:11:16,481
I want everyone totally
immersed in the production.
326
00:11:16,481 --> 00:11:17,682
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
327
00:11:17,682 --> 00:11:20,014
And we don't allow
outside calls here.
328
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:21,515
We must remove
all distractions.
329
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,981
Oh, it's just my grandkids.
330
00:11:22,981 --> 00:11:24,581
You know kids.
They always wanna talk
331
00:11:24,581 --> 00:11:25,881
to their sole legal guardian.
332
00:11:25,881 --> 00:11:27,881
Tell them you won't be
coming home for a while.
333
00:11:27,881 --> 00:11:29,214
Best to make it a clean break.
334
00:11:29,214 --> 00:11:30,548
Uh, I'll just call them back.
335
00:11:30,548 --> 00:11:31,682
Answer it!
336
00:11:31,682 --> 00:11:33,048
Hey, boys.
337
00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:34,814
Hey, Granddad,
we were just wondering
338
00:11:34,814 --> 00:11:36,281
how late
rehearsal was gonna go.
339
00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:38,381
Tom had to leave
and we're getting kinda hungry.
340
00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:39,847
Well, uh, I'm not coming home
341
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,214
for a while, so don't wait up.
342
00:11:41,214 --> 00:11:42,214
How late?
343
00:11:42,214 --> 00:11:43,748
Uh, maybe a week
or two or more.
344
00:11:43,748 --> 00:11:45,748
We got a lot
of rehearsal stuff to do.
345
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:48,348
Uh, there's some cash
in my sock drawer. Praise Jesus.
346
00:11:52,214 --> 00:11:55,281
This is a great day,
brothers and sisters.
347
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:58,048
The first day of rehearsals for
348
00:11:58,048 --> 00:12:01,682
Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man.
349
00:12:01,682 --> 00:12:02,814
Let us pray.
350
00:12:02,814 --> 00:12:04,315
[***]
351
00:12:04,315 --> 00:12:06,782
JEROME:
Lord Jesus,
you are a wonderful savior
352
00:12:06,782 --> 00:12:09,148
and an excellent producing
partner as well.
353
00:12:09,148 --> 00:12:10,847
[JEROME CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
354
00:12:10,847 --> 00:12:12,615
GRANDDAD:
I can't believe I'm here.
355
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:14,548
I made it.
I'm on my way to the top.
356
00:12:14,548 --> 00:12:16,814
I might already
be at the top.
357
00:12:16,814 --> 00:12:19,415
Man, look at these broads
in here.
358
00:12:19,415 --> 00:12:21,748
The big old zesty-chesty
on that one.
359
00:12:21,748 --> 00:12:25,081
In Jesus' name
we pray. Amen.
360
00:12:25,081 --> 00:12:27,947
WOMAN: Yes, amen, hallelujah.
Yeah, boy!
361
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:30,381
We're so happy you're
here with us, Robert.
362
00:12:30,381 --> 00:12:32,114
Jesus is so good.
363
00:12:32,114 --> 00:12:35,481
I've been working with
Mr. Jerome for nearly 10 years.
364
00:12:35,481 --> 00:12:37,381
Oh, your family must be
very proud, huh?
365
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,448
Honey, I don't talk
to my family anymore.
366
00:12:39,448 --> 00:12:41,947
This is my family now.
Soon it'll be yours too.
367
00:12:41,947 --> 00:12:44,181
I'm gonna get me
some Kool-Aid.
368
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:47,348
Well, this is my first
Winston Jerome project,
369
00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:49,682
but I've been in the business
for almost 12 years.
370
00:12:49,682 --> 00:12:50,914
Oh, that's nice.
371
00:12:50,914 --> 00:12:52,114
Anything I might have seen?
372
00:12:52,114 --> 00:12:54,782
Let's see, I was
in Do the Tight Thing.
373
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:57,847
Uh, Lady Sucks the Blues,
New Crack City,
374
00:12:57,847 --> 00:13:00,481
and then my last film was
Six Dicks of Separation.
375
00:13:00,481 --> 00:13:02,281
Oh, my. Six?
376
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:04,248
But that was before
Winston saved me.
377
00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:06,615
All that time, I was
giving up the ass for me.
378
00:13:06,615 --> 00:13:08,881
Now, I only give up
the ass for Jesus.
379
00:13:08,881 --> 00:13:11,748
And his homeboys.
380
00:13:11,748 --> 00:13:12,814
Mm-hm.
381
00:13:12,814 --> 00:13:16,348
Praise Jesus
in the name of Jesus.
382
00:13:16,348 --> 00:13:19,214
Robert, would you
join me in my study?
383
00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:21,214
Beautiful, isn't it?
384
00:13:21,214 --> 00:13:22,947
I had the sweater put on him
385
00:13:22,947 --> 00:13:25,548
because he just looked
so cold up there.
386
00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:27,315
I just wanted to warm him up.
387
00:13:27,315 --> 00:13:28,881
Because I love Jesus.
388
00:13:28,881 --> 00:13:30,048
Do you love Jesus, Robert?
389
00:13:30,048 --> 00:13:32,348
Oh, yes. I love me
some Jesus, mm-hm.
390
00:13:32,348 --> 00:13:33,415
He's my copilot.
391
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:37,148
JEROME [OVER TV]:
Lord, we thank you for all...
392
00:13:37,148 --> 00:13:39,748
JEROME:
Well, it appears
you love tatas too.
393
00:13:39,748 --> 00:13:41,515
Yeah, uh, I'm, uh...
It's okay, Robert.
394
00:13:41,515 --> 00:13:44,348
You love women more
than you love Jesus, don't you?
395
00:13:44,348 --> 00:13:45,682
It's hard to say.
396
00:13:45,682 --> 00:13:47,914
I mean, it's kinda
apples and oranges.
397
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,881
If women are what you desire,
Robert,
398
00:13:49,881 --> 00:13:51,847
then Jesus and I will deliver.
399
00:13:51,847 --> 00:13:53,914
Hundreds, thousands of women.
400
00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:55,014
Any kind you want.
401
00:13:55,014 --> 00:13:56,615
Well, now, since you
put it like that,
402
00:13:56,615 --> 00:13:58,782
I want some of them,
Alicia Keys,
403
00:13:58,782 --> 00:14:01,114
and a couple them Beyoncés,
and something Spanish,
404
00:14:01,114 --> 00:14:02,947
and a big old
tittied white woman
405
00:14:02,947 --> 00:14:04,348
that look like Lynda Carter.
406
00:14:04,348 --> 00:14:06,448
JEROME:
Then Jesus will provide them.
407
00:14:06,448 --> 00:14:09,114
But you must give yourself
to Jesus first, Robert.
408
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:10,448
And to me.
409
00:14:10,448 --> 00:14:11,648
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
410
00:14:11,648 --> 00:14:12,814
Fuck!
411
00:14:12,814 --> 00:14:14,682
You know how I feel
about the fucking phone!
412
00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:16,148
Jesus Christ.
413
00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,615
It's my grandkids.
They're probably just worried.
414
00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:22,181
You must choose, Robert, between
your old life and your new one.
415
00:14:22,181 --> 00:14:24,814
Hey, boys.
Uh, no, everything's good.
416
00:14:24,814 --> 00:14:27,581
Look, please don't call me
again. This is my family now.
417
00:14:27,581 --> 00:14:29,114
Uh-huh. Okay.
418
00:14:29,114 --> 00:14:31,615
You made the right
choice, Robert.
419
00:14:33,114 --> 00:14:35,348
I don't get it.
They his new family now?
420
00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:37,782
It's worse than I thought.
Granddad's in a cult.
421
00:14:37,782 --> 00:14:39,615
A cult? That's gay.
422
00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:40,748
Well, he's in trouble.
423
00:14:40,748 --> 00:14:42,014
We gotta save him.
Come on.
424
00:14:44,814 --> 00:14:47,281
You're just a lowly ex-con
and I'm a big-shot lawyer.
425
00:14:47,281 --> 00:14:48,715
Cut! Frown!
426
00:14:48,715 --> 00:14:50,981
How are they gonna know
you're mad if you don't frown?
427
00:14:50,981 --> 00:14:54,281
More!
More, more, damn it!
428
00:14:54,281 --> 00:14:56,281
You want me to put something
nasty in your mouth
429
00:14:56,281 --> 00:14:58,448
to help you frown?
Ew.
430
00:14:58,448 --> 00:15:00,181
Okay, continue.
431
00:15:00,181 --> 00:15:02,348
Well, at least I have Jesus
432
00:15:02,348 --> 00:15:05,281
and the strong love
of a black, African, beautiful,
433
00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:06,981
independent black woman...
434
00:15:06,981 --> 00:15:08,415
JEROME:
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
435
00:15:08,415 --> 00:15:09,581
This isn't working.
436
00:15:09,581 --> 00:15:10,981
I cannot work
like this anymore.
437
00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:14,081
I've worked with Jesus!
Damn it! Shit! Fuck!
438
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,248
Let us pray.
439
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:19,914
Jesus, holy Jesus,
help us with this scene,
440
00:15:19,914 --> 00:15:22,548
it seems to be a little flat.
Wait.
441
00:15:22,548 --> 00:15:24,515
Jesus is trying to tell me
something, hold on.
442
00:15:24,515 --> 00:15:25,947
ALL:
Praise Jesus!
443
00:15:25,947 --> 00:15:27,847
Yes, Jesus. Uh-huh.
444
00:15:27,847 --> 00:15:29,114
Right, right.
445
00:15:29,114 --> 00:15:30,448
Hey, you're the boss.
446
00:15:30,448 --> 00:15:32,947
Jesus says the scene
would have more impact
447
00:15:32,947 --> 00:15:35,847
if you grabbed Ma Dukes
and kissed her deep on the lips.
448
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:38,014
Kiss? Hold on.
Jesus said that?
449
00:15:38,014 --> 00:15:39,914
Jesus said that we need
to kiss passionately
450
00:15:39,914 --> 00:15:41,648
so the audience
can feel our love.
451
00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:42,782
Change it in the script.
452
00:15:42,782 --> 00:15:45,014
ALL:
Praise Jesus' rewrites!
453
00:15:45,014 --> 00:15:46,481
Are you sure
he didn't say "kick"?
454
00:15:46,481 --> 00:15:48,014
I should kick you?
Or maybe "kill"?
455
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:50,048
Let me kill you.
Nobody'd ever see that coming.
456
00:15:50,048 --> 00:15:52,715
No, he said "kiss!" Kiss!
457
00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,114
There was no ambiguity at all.
458
00:15:55,114 --> 00:15:56,114
ChapStick!
459
00:15:58,081 --> 00:15:59,381
JEROME:
Robert, it's okay.
460
00:15:59,381 --> 00:16:01,581
I totally understand
your concerns.
461
00:16:01,581 --> 00:16:05,081
Winston Jerome would
never, ever kiss a man.
462
00:16:05,081 --> 00:16:08,048
That would be homosexual
and against my Christian faith.
463
00:16:08,048 --> 00:16:09,315
Exactly. Mine too.
464
00:16:09,315 --> 00:16:11,448
But Jesus wants us
to be actors first,
465
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,881
and heterosexuals second.
466
00:16:12,881 --> 00:16:16,048
Now, Winston Jerome
is a very, very straight man
467
00:16:16,048 --> 00:16:17,481
that loves the ladies.
468
00:16:17,481 --> 00:16:18,814
But Ma Dukes is a woman,
469
00:16:18,814 --> 00:16:21,814
and when I go onstage,
Jesus wants me to become her
470
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,448
inside and out.
471
00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:24,947
Can't just have
a woman's clothes.
472
00:16:24,947 --> 00:16:28,114
I need a woman's thoughts,
a woman's movements
473
00:16:28,114 --> 00:16:29,782
and a woman's desires.
474
00:16:29,782 --> 00:16:31,715
[***]
475
00:16:34,782 --> 00:16:37,148
[CHEERING AND WHISTLING
OVER TV]
476
00:16:39,114 --> 00:16:40,548
[***]
477
00:16:41,981 --> 00:16:43,782
[CRASHING]
RILEY: Ow!
478
00:16:43,782 --> 00:16:44,782
[GROANS] Come on.
479
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:48,515
Excuse me, do you know where
I could find Robert Freeman?
480
00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:50,415
Just walk in the path of Jesus.
481
00:16:50,415 --> 00:16:51,682
You'll find him.
482
00:16:53,214 --> 00:16:54,448
Uh, excuse me.
483
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:55,981
We're looking
for Robert Freeman.
484
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:58,715
Oh, he's on
the rehearsal stage.
485
00:16:58,715 --> 00:17:00,648
Y'all remind me
of my grandsons.
486
00:17:00,648 --> 00:17:02,281
But they like Ice Cube movies,
487
00:17:02,281 --> 00:17:05,415
so I can never
speak to them again.
488
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:08,415
Excuse me. I'm gonna
get me some Kool-Aid.
489
00:17:10,481 --> 00:17:13,415
[***]
490
00:17:13,415 --> 00:17:15,748
Well, at least I have Jesus,
491
00:17:15,748 --> 00:17:18,181
and the love
of a strong, black, African,
492
00:17:18,181 --> 00:17:19,947
beautiful, independent
black woman.
493
00:17:19,947 --> 00:17:21,315
And that's all I need.
494
00:17:21,315 --> 00:17:22,315
[GRUNTS]
495
00:17:22,315 --> 00:17:25,148
[***]
496
00:17:25,148 --> 00:17:27,581
[BOTH GRUNT]
497
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,947
Boys! Stop that!
Get his legs! His legs!
498
00:17:31,947 --> 00:17:33,947
I rebuke you in the name
of the Lord!
499
00:17:33,947 --> 00:17:35,148
WOMAN:
Oh, Lord!
500
00:17:35,148 --> 00:17:38,148
JEROME:
Get them! Get them out of here!
501
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:40,315
[MUFFLED]
These niggas is too glisteny.
502
00:17:40,315 --> 00:17:42,881
[***]
503
00:17:45,782 --> 00:17:46,947
[YELLS]
504
00:17:46,947 --> 00:17:48,014
[GRUNTS]
505
00:17:48,014 --> 00:17:50,881
[LAUGHS]
506
00:17:50,881 --> 00:17:53,615
Did you think
you could just take him?
507
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:56,715
It's too late. Your granddaddy's
one of us now.
508
00:17:56,715 --> 00:17:59,081
It's okay, guys. I'm sorry.
I'll take care of it.
509
00:17:59,081 --> 00:18:01,682
Me and Jesus want them
out of here, Robert.
510
00:18:01,682 --> 00:18:03,048
Pronto.
511
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:05,481
Granddad, snap out of it.
512
00:18:05,481 --> 00:18:06,881
Ow! Damn it!
513
00:18:06,881 --> 00:18:08,181
Ow!
514
00:18:08,181 --> 00:18:09,581
Nigga, have you lost your mind?
515
00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,181
Granddad, you've been
brainwashed.
516
00:18:11,181 --> 00:18:12,782
You've been sucked
into some bizarre
517
00:18:12,782 --> 00:18:14,381
homoerotic Christian
theater cult.
518
00:18:14,381 --> 00:18:16,181
You was about
to kiss that dude, no homo.
519
00:18:16,181 --> 00:18:18,881
I'm just acting. I know it's
homoerotic Christian theater.
520
00:18:18,881 --> 00:18:20,782
But if it gets me
into Hollywood, who cares?
521
00:18:20,782 --> 00:18:22,348
It can't be worse
than Scientology.
522
00:18:22,348 --> 00:18:24,448
Do you really want
to be famous that bad?
523
00:18:24,448 --> 00:18:26,947
Yes. My whole life
I've been normal.
524
00:18:26,947 --> 00:18:28,548
Normal sucks.
I want women half my age
525
00:18:28,548 --> 00:18:29,981
to throw themselves at me.
526
00:18:29,981 --> 00:18:32,348
I want people to treat me better
than they treat others.
527
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:35,348
And Riley was right.
I don't have much time left.
528
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,715
Maybe it's a stupid dream,
529
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,682
but this is the last chance
I'm gonna get at it.
530
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,214
Remember that TV show
Fear Factor,
531
00:18:40,214 --> 00:18:42,782
when they made people eat goat
rectums and monkey testicles
532
00:18:42,782 --> 00:18:44,081
and whatever else to win?
533
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,847
This is my Fear Factor
534
00:18:45,847 --> 00:18:47,914
and Ma Dukes is
my monkey testicles,
535
00:18:47,914 --> 00:18:49,914
and I really want
the big prize.
536
00:18:49,914 --> 00:18:52,048
Even if it means kissing a man.
537
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,448
No homo.
538
00:18:53,448 --> 00:18:55,748
And when you get home,
go in my clean underwear drawer.
539
00:18:55,748 --> 00:18:57,214
There should be
$200 in quarters.
540
00:18:57,214 --> 00:18:59,315
That should be enough
to get you through the week.
541
00:18:59,315 --> 00:19:00,515
And I'll be home soon, okay?
542
00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:01,947
All right, Granddad.
543
00:19:01,947 --> 00:19:04,615
If this is really what you want,
we'll get out of here.
544
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,315
Good luck with that.
545
00:19:09,914 --> 00:19:12,348
Thank you for saying
"no homo," Granddad.
546
00:19:12,348 --> 00:19:13,947
That really meant a lot to me.
547
00:19:15,847 --> 00:19:16,782
No homo.
548
00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:24,281
[CROWD CHATTERING]
549
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:35,847
[CHUCKLES]
550
00:19:37,281 --> 00:19:39,715
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
551
00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:43,415
Finally I have found
my cutie pie, Ma Dukes.
552
00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:44,415
[ALL LAUGH]
553
00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:47,715
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
554
00:19:47,715 --> 00:19:48,947
[LAUGHING]
555
00:19:48,947 --> 00:19:51,415
Well, at least I have Jesus,
556
00:19:51,415 --> 00:19:53,914
and the love of a strong,
black, African,
557
00:19:53,914 --> 00:19:56,048
beautiful, independent
black woman.
558
00:19:56,048 --> 00:19:57,448
And that's all I need.
559
00:19:57,448 --> 00:20:00,114
Kiss me, Ma Dukes.
560
00:20:00,114 --> 00:20:01,281
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
561
00:20:03,581 --> 00:20:04,648
[ALL CHEERING]
562
00:20:04,648 --> 00:20:06,415
[LIPS SMACKING]
563
00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:08,148
[ALL CHEERING]
564
00:20:11,081 --> 00:20:14,148
And now it's time for me
to get my big prize.
565
00:20:14,148 --> 00:20:16,682
* Groupies, groupies *
566
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:17,782
* Groupies * There he is!
567
00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,847
Girl, hold my chicken!
Huh?
568
00:20:19,847 --> 00:20:21,214
[GRUNTS]
569
00:20:21,214 --> 00:20:22,581
[SCREAMS]
570
00:20:22,581 --> 00:20:25,847
WOMAN:
You look just like
your pictures on MySpace!
571
00:20:25,847 --> 00:20:26,914
Oh, my goodness!
572
00:20:26,914 --> 00:20:28,782
Mr. Jerome would like
to see you.
573
00:20:28,782 --> 00:20:31,181
[WHISPERS] Alone.
574
00:20:34,515 --> 00:20:37,181
JEROME:
Robert, you were amazing.
575
00:20:37,181 --> 00:20:39,615
Jesus and I were so pleased.
576
00:20:39,615 --> 00:20:41,014
Don't give me that bullshit.
577
00:20:41,014 --> 00:20:42,281
This is the big prize?
578
00:20:42,281 --> 00:20:44,682
Where are the Alicia Keyses?
Where are the Beyoncés?
579
00:20:44,682 --> 00:20:47,214
Where's Wonder Woman?
All I see is Florida Evanses.
580
00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,081
I can get a big bitch
on my own.
581
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,048
I had to kiss you
onstage in front everybody
582
00:20:51,048 --> 00:20:52,782
and all I get
is them mud ducks out there?
583
00:20:52,782 --> 00:20:54,381
That wasn't the deal.
584
00:20:54,381 --> 00:20:56,648
Robert, Jesus never said
it would happen overnight.
585
00:20:56,648 --> 00:20:58,515
Well, how long do I have
to suck lips with you
586
00:20:58,515 --> 00:21:00,181
before the women
out there become hot?
587
00:21:00,181 --> 00:21:01,914
Look, Robbie, I've just sold
588
00:21:01,914 --> 00:21:04,648
Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man
as a movie.
589
00:21:04,648 --> 00:21:06,981
And guess who's my leading man.
590
00:21:06,981 --> 00:21:08,281
Really?
591
00:21:08,281 --> 00:21:09,981
I'm gonna be in a movie. Oh!
592
00:21:09,981 --> 00:21:13,648
That's right, Bob.
And I only have one request.
593
00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:14,682
[UNZIPS]
594
00:21:14,682 --> 00:21:16,214
[SIGHS]
595
00:21:16,214 --> 00:21:17,581
Look, man, all bullshit aside,
596
00:21:17,581 --> 00:21:18,947
can I please
just have some ass?
597
00:21:18,947 --> 00:21:20,914
Okay.
598
00:21:20,914 --> 00:21:23,947
Wait a minute. You made up
this whole cross-dressing
599
00:21:23,947 --> 00:21:26,214
Christian cult crap just so
you can sleep with men?
600
00:21:26,214 --> 00:21:27,981
Uh, pretty much. Yeah.
601
00:21:27,981 --> 00:21:30,081
Fuck you!
602
00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:32,181
Now stick that up your ass.
603
00:21:33,348 --> 00:21:34,947
No homo.
604
00:21:37,814 --> 00:21:40,214
[CHEERING OVER CAMCORDER]
RILEY: Pause.
605
00:21:41,315 --> 00:21:42,715
Pause again.
606
00:21:42,715 --> 00:21:44,748
Pause again, Granddad.
607
00:21:44,748 --> 00:21:46,048
[LAUGHS]
608
00:21:46,048 --> 00:21:47,914
Pause again.
609
00:21:47,914 --> 00:21:49,281
Pause again.
610
00:21:49,281 --> 00:21:50,515
Pause again, Granddad.
611
00:21:50,515 --> 00:21:52,914
Pause again, Granddad.
612
00:21:52,914 --> 00:21:55,114
[RILEY LAUGHS]
613
00:21:55,114 --> 00:21:58,081
[***]