[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: In a world of unspeakable brutality...
freedom had a name.
And that name was Freeman.
Catcher Freeman.
This is the true story
of the man who risked everything for justice...
and love.
Savior, soldier, killer...
[BONES CRACKING]
...hero.
And he was your great--
GRANDDAD: Great-great-great-granddaddy.
The story of Catcher Freeman.
RILEY: Come on, Granddad.
I may not know nothin' about history,
but I ain't stupid.
None of that story is true.
It is true. Catcher Freeman was a hero.
And don't you ever forget it.
Excuse me.
[GRANDDAD SOBBING]
♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Sing a song... ♪
RILEY: That nigga lying.
And how would you know?
Granddad always making up some shit about history.
How come everyone we related to is somebody famous?
The first nigga to go to the moon,
or the first nigga to pole vault?
Tsk. Man, he made up Catcher Freeman.
Shoot, he probably made up this whole "slavery" thing.
What nigga you know
gonna work all day in a hot field for no paper?
See, that's your problem.
You be believin' anything somebody tells you
or put in a...book.
See, I keep my mental mind extra secure. Nothing gets in.
Where you going?
Don't wanna hear the rest of the story?
No, I don't wanna hear no more of your made-up stories.
I told you, Catcher Freeman was real.
That's your great- great-great-great-granddaddy.
What about when you told us your cousin integrated baseball?
He did.
At school they said
Jackie Robinson integrated baseball.
That's your fourth cousin on my uncle's side.
Jackie Robinson Freeman. The Freeman is silent.
Now hush and pay attention.
Catcher Freeman was the greatest black man ever.
He was Malcolm X, Nat Turner and Barack Obama
all rolled into one.
Okay, I'm going to start this story from the beginning.
RILEY: Oh, man. From the beginning?
GRANDDAD: Shut up. It was the plantation
of Confederate Colonel George Lynchwater,
better known as Massa Colonel.
Probably made him up too.
Shut your ass! The slaves were out in the fields,
singing songs of freedom.
Guys, what--? What are you doing?
You know you're not allowed to sing that song.
Stop it, guys, I'm serious. Massa's on his way.
COLONEL: Tobias, didn't I tell you to tell these niggers
to stop singing that damn song?
Stop singing? Oh, no.
Tobias told us Massa Colonel likes that song.
That's a lie.
Oh, no, Massa.
We field niggas is too dumb to lie.
But, you know, Tobias is the lighter shades,
and he got that sharp sense of humor.
Oh, no, no, Massa Colonel, I wasn't--
You out here telling jokes, Tobias?
Massa Colonel, please.
Ahh! God, that stings!
I-I knows you mad,
but don't take it out on poor Tobias.
If you beats him, it's like you beating all of us,
but with considerably less effort.
TOBIAS: Shut the fuck up!
So the only nigger I gotta beat is Tobias?
TOBIAS: Shut the fuck up, Percy!
PERCY: We don't like to see that. That makes us work harder.
COLONEL: Well, shit fire and save matches.
Maybe I'll get to bed early tonight.
[TOBIAS SCREAMS]
Please, when you hit him,
it make us scared and make us all just wanna stay here.
We won't do nothings if you keep hitting him
'cause it's a-- An example of what not to do.
COLONEL: Well, since you love these field niggers so much,
you can stay out here and work with them for a few days.
And if I hear that song again, I'm cuttin' both your balls off.
You guys are real fuckin' assholes, you know that?
Come on, man, look on the bright side.
You get to hang out in the field with the real niggas.
Ain't you sick of the white man?
You know what I'm sick of?
You blaming the white man for everything.
The white man this, the white man that.
You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.
Man, fuck that white nigga. That's your massa.
All I'm saying is, you stop being a victim,
you might better your life on your own.
You ain't said nothing. I'm gonna do that, believe it.
As soon as Catcher Freeman rides through here with his brigade
and cuts that cracker's head clean off, ugh, I'm out of here.
You ain't never seen no nigga be gone like I'm gonna be gone.
You ain't seen no nigga ride out like me.
And I'm a-join the gang. I got a letter saying
I can join Catcher Freeman's brigade
and ride out with that nigga.
MAN: Damn, you get mail, nigga?
Ha! Ha-ha! That's your plan? Catcher Freeman, huh?
Why not just wait for Santa Claus
to take you away on his sled?
You don't believe in Catcher Freeman?
[GIBBERING]
Of course I don't.
I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either.
I'm telling you, man. Catcher Freeman is real.
He go round from plantation to plantation,
freeing all the slaves and shit.
He, like, 14 feet tall,
got trapezius muscles and biceps. Shit crazy.
He ain't just no normal nigga, he's supernigga.
He like a black-ass Batman, if you will.
He can fly... underwater.
RILEY: Heh-heh-heh.
Wait, how they know who Batman is?
GRANDDAD: Stop interrupting!
Ha! That's ridiculous.
I don't even know who Batman is.
And what's your plan, house nigga?
I bet you don't even wanna escape, all on Massa's nuts.
Oh, I'm gonna escape all right.
I'm gonna escape with this, okay? With my mind.
I've got this. It's a play, but for the screen.
What screen, nigga? We in the 1800's.
I thought of a way to display moving pictures on a screen.
Of course, it's all abstract,
since I don't have any actual film or cameras or anything,
but I'm gonna show Massa Colonel my screenplay,
and when he reads it, he's gonna know
this could be a huge production.
Nigga, you trying to get off the plantation
by selling a script? Ha!
Nigga, you ain't even supposed to know how to read.
How you gonna sell a script, asshole?
Plus, there's a writer's strike.
Oh, yeah? Me and Thelma are gonna marry,
have kids and live in Massa's house.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Tell me what you think about your ass, nigga.
GRANDDAD: Thelma was your great-great-great-
great-great-great-grandmother.
Now, Tobias was madly in love with young Thelma.
Eww...
But Thelma didn't want his old Uncle Tom ass.
Besides, she was about to meet Catcher for the first time.
Young Thelma yearned for her freedom,
so one night she decided to make a run for it.
Oh, but that poor, little, sweet girl didn't get far.
She ain't going nowhere.
We ain't gonna hurt you too much.
MAN: I might hurt you. I might hurt you.
Hey, look up in the tree. It's a bird.
Nope, it's Catcher Freeman. Yippee! Come on.
Get him, get him. Watch it.
Watch behind you, Catcher. Watch behind you. There you go.
RILEY: Man, hold up, hold up.
This nigga jumping out of trees?
Catcher Freeman was a master swordsman.
How this nigga learn all that ninja stuff?
They didn't even have karate flicks back then.
Hush, boy! It was love at first sight.
He was tall, he was handsome,
his trapezius muscles rippled through his shirt.
All right, Granddad, dang. You making me uncomfortable.
Catcher Freeman was a sexy man!
And old Thelma was smitten. Hee!
Hi, I'm Thelma.
My name's Catcher. Catcher Freeman.
You're Catcher Freeman? The Catcher Freeman?
You've heard of me?
Of course I've heard of you.
Who has not heard of Catcher Freeman?
Where are you escaping from?
Oh, Colonel Lynchwater's.
I've been there for a while and I kind of feel
like I got everything I can get out of that organization.
I can read and write,
so hopefully that'll look good on my résumé.
My brigade is nearby.
We're ready to kill Colonel Lynchwater
and free all your friends and kinfolk.
But we'll need your help.
Great, that's a relief, 'cause all my friends
about to be talking bad about me.
Like, "Thelma done changed since she been free.
She forgot where she came from, she don't never come around."
You know.
Ah, Catcher was smitten too.
That night, Thelma told the other slaves
about the plan to escape with Catcher.
Let me get this straight.
Catcher gonna come through here with his brigade,
cut that cracker's head clean off,
and then we gonna be free?
MAN: Sounds good to me.
MAN 2: Hell, yeah.
Hold up, wait a minute now.
Now, I-- I know we've all had our problems with Massa,
but, uh, this is murder.
PERCY: Ah, man, shut your punk ass up.
The night before the revolt,
Thelma snuck away to see Catcher one last time.
Here, take this.
You'll know what to do with it when the time comes.
Why do you still wear shackles?
So I'll never forget those who are still in bondage.
Even though you'll be free soon,
you must continue to be a soldier
until the war is won.
[♪♪♪]
[RILEY SNORING]
GRANDDAD: But, oh, Tobias was hating with his punk ass.
Boy, wake up!
RILEY: Oh, is it over?
So Tobias betrayed them because he was jealous?
Yes, but his betrayal could not stop Catcher.
RILEY: Man, I already know what happened next.
First, they kick in the door, find the gun.
Riley, stop it!
Massa gonna smack her.
Going too fast. Let me build some suspense.
Here come Catcher rolling up on Massa's crib.
Riley, this is the cool part. Enjoy the story.
Wait. Let me guess. It's a trap.
Then Catcher's gonna run in
at, like, a dozen dudes as they reload,
and probably should've been shot,
like, a hundred times by now.
Riley, come on, now!
Then he gonna do all that fake-ass ninja stuff again.
Stop it!
Man, we already know
the nigga gonna win at the end, just wrap it up.
GRANDDAD: All right, all right!
It's over, Catcher. Drop it, or she's dead!
I'm gettin' outta here.
Kill him, Catcher. Do it!
[♪♪♪]
[CRUNCH]
Ahhh!
[GROWLS]
[THELMA SCREAMS]
RILEY: Oh, the nigga blocked the bullet with his handcuffs.
Shh. You're messing up the ending.
This is the best part. You'll never see this coming.
TOBIAS: Massa!
[GROWLS]
[GRUNTS]
GRANDDAD: And they lived happily ever after.
Boo! That movie sucked.
Shut up!
I want my money back.
Man, that ending was hella cliché, Granddad.
That's exactly how it happened.
Prove it.
How am I gonna prove it? Catcher lived 150 years ago.
RUCKUS: Did I hear somebody say something about Catcher Freeman?
The Catcher Freeman?
See? Ruckus know about Catcher Freeman.
Of course I know about Catcher Freeman.
Greatest black man who ever lived.
Did he really run around the woods
like a superhero, killing white people?
Hell, no. Catcher Freeman
ain't never do no shit like that.
Must have been some asshole told you that story, boy.
Hey.
Now sit your black asses back
and let old Uncle Ruckus
tell you the real story of Catcher Freeman.
First of all, his name wasn't even Catch-er Freeman,
it was Catch-a Freeman.
He sure wasn't freeing niggas. He was catchin' 'em.
I told you you was lying.
That's not true!
Sure it is, sure it is.
See, back in slavery, when the world made sense,
the white man had a problem.
Niggas couldn't appreciate shit, so they kept running away.
Now, in his strategic brilliance,
Mr. Charlie decided who better to catch a nigga
than a nigga.
So they took a field slave named Catcha Freeman
and turned him into the greatest slave hunter who ever lived.
Catcha Freeman retrieved over 700 pieces of human
property to their respective owners during slavery.
GRANDDAD: Damn it, Ruckus, you gonna stop this right now.
RILEY: Shh! Dang, Granddad, I'm trying to hear the story.
RUCKUS: Ah, look at that nigga go.
Hold up. You see that nigga
flip from tree to tree like on some old Tarzan shit?
Wait, wait, wait. Bring that back,
I gotta see that again.
I'll be happy to.
Ah, look at that nigga go again.
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
Nobody really knows why Catcha
was so good at tracking runaway niggas.
Some believe he had supernatural powers.
MAN: Good job, boy. Give him a biscuit.
One legend said Catcha could actually talk to the dogs.
MAN: Good Catcha!
[DOG BARKING]
[GASPS]
Whatever his secret,
didn't matter how fast they could run.
He bit his leg!
Man, this dude is off the chain.
Catcha would find 'em anywhere.
[GROWLS]
[MAN YELPS]
Ooh, that nigga caught it.
And I mean anywhere.
Look out, look out, look out.
Oh, ho, ho, he came up out that water like Jason.
Oh, he's so gangster.
See, to understand the story of Catcha Freeman,
you gotta know a little something about slavery.
Now, if you think niggas is worthless and lazy today,
oh, Lord help me,
you should have seen them back in slavery days.
Good old Massa Colonel and plantation owners like him
provided darkies all over the South
with good jobs, food, housing.
I'm telling you, slavery was the best thing
that ever could happen to Negro-kind.
HUEY: Okay, first of all, none of that is true,
and "Don't Trust Them New Niggas" is not a spiritual.
RUCKUS: Hush your mouth and learn your history.
Slaves sang that and many other joyful songs all day.
They danced, did arts and crafts,
crocheted, had water balloon fights,
everything, except for work.
Hey, y'all. Massa's a-coming. He's a-coming, y'all.
[SLAVES SINGING]
TOBIAS: Here he comes!
Look, guys, you asked me to take you in as slaves,
and this is how you repay me?
All you do all day is sing and jump and eat.
Shit. You just stop. All right, stop it!
Stop it. Stop having so much fun!
Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Massa, won't you do me a favor
and master these nuts in your mouth, nigga.
Come on, y'all, now that's enough. I've had it.
Y'all gonna get a time-out.
Everybody is in time-out right now.
Man, you ever notice how white people sound when they get mad?
[STUFFY VOICE] "I've had it. Everyone's getting a time-out."
[ALL LAUGHING]
MAN: They do, they do. They do sound like that, don't they?
He sounded like that. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Massa, Dienda send a message for you.
I don't know anyone named Dienda. Dienda who?
Dienda my dick, nigga.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Now, I have put up with this for long enough.
I'm not gonna put up with it anymore. Get to work now!
Now, I'm-- I'm sorry I had to speak at you so sternly,
but you brought it on yourself.
[ALL LAUGH]
Now, stop that! Slave masters have feelings too.
I just don't understand. I try so hard with y'all.
[COLONEL SOBBING]
Man, I says we murder that cracker.
I don't know.
Maybe it wouldn't kill y'all to do a little bit of work.
What's wrongs with you, nigga?
We got this slavery shit hooked up just likes we like it.
And you wants to fuck it up with work?
Now, looks, before we kills Massa,
we gotta get this nigga Catcha Freeman.
Even if we could escape, Catcha come get us.
But Catcha Freeman stronger and faster than us, Percy.
How's we gonna do that?
We'll use Thelma,
that high-yellow mulatto jezebel hussy.
GRANDDAD: Hey, that's my great- great-great-great-
great-grandmother.
RUCKUS: No need to get emotional, Robert,
I'm just reciting the historical record.
Anyway, the great- great-great-
great-hussy in question was Thelma.
She was once again showing her disrespect
for her kindly Massa by running away.
[GROWLS]
[THELMA YELLS]
Get your hands off me!
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[THELMA YELLING]
That night, they devised their diabolical scheme
to kill kind, old Massa.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[♪♪♪]
THELMA: Catcha!
Come quick to the stables!
RILEY: Oh, no, don't go in there, Catcha.
[DIMWITTED VOICE] Catcha don't see nothing.
RUCKUS: Now, Catcha had never known
the pleasures of the flesh before,
and he was no match for the temptations of Thelma,
who in the darkness of night
looked even less African than she actually was.
[CATCHA GRUNTING]
THELMA: Oh, yes, Catcha.
Catcha and Thelma rolled around
in a hot, sweaty, naked embrace,
making passionate jungle love.
GRANDDAD: Lies! All lies! Thelma Freeman was a saint.
Thelma was a hussy jezebel temptress!
Now let me finish the story.
As Catcha lay passed out,
after expending his manly seed...
Mm?
[CACKLING]
CATCHA: No!
Thelma trick Catcha.
...the darkies attacked!
Colonel Massa's men fought bravely,
but they were outnumbered and unprepared
for the savagery of the Negro assault.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN: Fuck you, you massa!
Oh, you ain't getting out of here.
I bash youse head in.
MAN 2: We gonna get you.
Only one darky, Tobias, had the decency
to try and stop this madness.
Wait a minute, y'all.
How's we's gonna survive without Massa?
We can't do this, it ain't right.
[♪♪♪]
It ain't right.
Thank you, Tobias.
I want you to know, you've always been like a son to me.
Except I would never, ever lay
with your black jungle-bunny mama.
Oh, Massa.
Kills them both.
[SLAVES GRUNTING]
[COLONEL SCREAMING]
Having known no other woman,
Catcha married Thelma
and lived a miserable life as a free man in Boston.
And that, colored folks,
is the real story of Catcha Freeman.
Ruckus, I should kick in your damn jaw for telling lies.
You high-yellow niggas always forgetting your place.
Get the fuck out of my house, you fat ass, motherfucker.
If you were in my house, nigga,
I'd burn it down around your black ass.
HUEY: Excuse me, everyone.
I think we can resolve this quickly.
"Catcher Tobias Lynchwater, better known as Catcher Freeman,
"was a house slave on Colonel Lynchwater's plantation.
"He was also Colonel Lynchwater's son,
although the colonel never claimed him."
GRANDDAD: Wait? W-what? Massa's son?
Uh-uh. No, no, no, that can't be.
HUEY: He is believed to have written the first screenplay,
several years before the invention
of the motion picture industry.
RUCKUS: What website is that? Madeupmonkeyshit.com?
Catcher fell in love with Thelma,
but Thelma wasn't looking for love,
she was looking for freedom.
Boy, I can't wait to tell the white man about how you lying.
Then, on one fateful day--
Where you going? You smell like black jellybeans.
[GUNSHOT]
[GRUNTS]
Ah, this is bullshit.
She knew the time for freedom had come.
THELMA: Once we're in the weapons shed,
we assault the house with everything
we can get our hands on.
Okay, guys, look. Look.
I think you're all missing a big opportunity
here with my script.
I know most of you can't read,
but I'd be happy to read it to you.
Catcher, in one week,
we gonna kill Massa.
At least let me show it to him before you kill him.
I worked really hard on this.
You have one week.
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my. You know, I-I should hang you
for being able to read and write.
But this is one heck of a-- Of a-- Uh...
What'd you call it? A script?
Yes, sir, Massa Colonel. You got it, a script.
First one ever made, right here.
Well, if you're selling, I am buying.
Oh, you are gonna be a very rich man, son.
Untrue! Falsehood and untrue.
Wait, Dad. There's something I should tell you about Thelma.
Having sold his script,
Catcher promptly betrayed Thelma's rebellion.
RILEY: Oh, man, he sold the crew out for a script?
Yo, that's a bitch-ass nigga.
Oh, my goodness.
And when were they planning such treachery?
A week from now. Mm-hm. Three o'clock.
[GUNSHOT]
[MEN YELLING]
No, you lying black bitch! That wasn't a week.
Forward! Come on!
MAN: Shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
Charge!
No, Massa, no!
Gee, that bitch can fight.
Oh, my God. Stop.
Guys, just wait. Wait!
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
CATCHER: Stand still, bitch!
[GUNSHOT]
Wait, wait, wait. He meant to shoot Thelma,
but shot Massa instead?
Now, that's an ending.
GRANDDAD: My ending was better.
RUCKUS: That ain't good white history.
But...the script.
That's colored man history you talking.
HUEY: That moment, Catcher decided it was best
to just go with the winning team.
Uh, die, cracker, die?
Yeah. Take that, Massa. Huh?!
Yeah. You wanna beat up on the slaves, huh?
Well, take this to your ass, motherfucker!
Oh, Catcher.
That's how I do it, baby.
That's how I do it.
And so was born the legend of Catcher Freeman.
Catcher and Thelma married and moved to Canada.
His script was never produced.
And they all lived, more or less,
happily ever after.
[BOTH GRUMBLE]
Man, that's some old bullshit.
Never heard such bullshit in all my life.
RILEY: Hey, hold up. Where y'all going?
I ain't had a chance to tell my story yet.
My Catcher Freeman story better than all y'alls.
Know what I'm sayin'?
See, my Catcher Freeman wasn't no slave.
'Cause he was like, "Fuck that shit. I'm a real nigga."
Plus, he had like 300 ho's. He ain't had just no Thelma.
He had all kinds of bitches, and he drove a Bentley Coupe
with 24's on it
with machine guns in the rims, nigga, what?
♪ Take our black asses Out of here ♪
♪ Won't you take Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Won't you come save us Catcher? ♪
♪ And kill all these crackers ♪
♪ Lord, take our black asses Out of here ♪
♪ Sing this motherfucker Now ♪
♪ Won't you take Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Massa, girl You a bitch, nigga ♪
♪ Won't you take Our black asses out of here? ♪