[radio chatter]
- JIM: Good morning! - ALL: Morning.
- "When you don't want to have that sports equipment all of the time,
the Sports Porcupine has plenty of quills on which to hang it.
Leave your sports storage and sports memorabilia
to Sportsupine, the Sports Porcupine."
- What are they gonna-- - If you have so much sports memorabilia--
- That you don't want it at home for a reason...
- That's right.
- CHERISHA: But you don't wanna get rid of it.
- [stutters] Uh, guys, can I tell you something?
[radio chatter]
When they subsidized us with these new technology companies,
we're not getting the pick of the litter.
- No. - "Sports Porcupine?"
Laundry Maniac? Travis is right.
That Laundry Maniac guy is indicted. - [stutters] That guy. Yeah. Got it. Yeah.
- CLEMENTINE: Wow. - Damn.
- I'm a little disappointed in the state of Nevada
for giving away these business licenses.
- All right. All right. - JIM: By the way--
- What is it... What... What did they reject?
- JIM: Yeah. I know. And I say, like,
hey, guys, please don't make me mention Sticky Dicks,
uh, the dating service for guys
who don't wanna remember anything tomorrow.
I don't feel like we should be even associated with that website.
[police siren honking]
- BAKER: Get out! No, I... - GARY: You get out!
- There's nobody to... - No, you need to love...
[Jim whistling]
- Sheriff's Department. Gary? Gary, what now?
What now? - This is unacceptable behavior.
- Settle down.
- I saw a story on the news... - Uh-huh.
- ...where this heathen
is making gay wedding cakes! - JIM: [exclaims]
- Gay! That is a disgrace before God.
Two fellows with their boners, getting all close to each other!
- Is this what-- You're upset about this? - GARY: Yeah.
- Oh, you should come for a weekend with me.
If you're worried about this, Gary, you gotta... Forget it, man.
- If you make this cake, what other kind of cakes are you gonna make?
- I'll make whatever cake somebody asks me to make!
- GARY: Okay. - I've made bachelorette cakes!
- She makes amazing bachelorette cakes. - JIM: She makes dirty cakes.
She makes some good dirty cakes. - Yeah, what she does with coconut hair.
- You just do what people ask you! - CLEMENTINE: Yeah.
- I would like a cake... - I make cakes.
- ...of Hillary Clinton taking a shit on the Constitution.
- JIM: Uh... Uh... Okay. - I can do that.
- Really? Great. - Yeah.
- I would love to see this. - I can do Raisinets for poops.
- On the tier above it... - CLEMENTINE: That's amazing.
...I would love it, there to be some sort of, like,
hell pit where George Soros kind of looms out of his Jew lair
and he's just like, "I'm taking over!"
- What if she's pooping on your precious Second Amendment?
- Oh, there it is! There it is! - She wants to take your guns away.
- I can do whatever! - Now we've got a theme.
- JIM: Now we have a theme! - GARY: And it's charming.
That's what a cake should be, it should be charming.
- How about she has, um, Obama's fake birth certificate that she's about to...
- Yeah! Haha. Ooh! [exclaims] - ...wipe her creamy ass with that!
- I wouldn't do that. - JIM: Okay.
So he's got long form birth certificate? Was that ever found?
- I don't have one here but... - Oh, no, it will never be found.
- Okay, okay, so that's legit, that's a goof on a goof but down here,
could it be the lopped off heads of the fake news media?
- Stop it! I... - Oh!
Oh, my God, I'm like this right now!
- Is there a way we can show that NASA is making everybody Muslim?
- As a sheet cake and I feel like the way that you get that across on a sheet cake
is you say, "NASA's making everybody Muslims."
Just, like, just say it. - Oh. Just say it.
I like the simplicity of that. - Yeah.
It shows Hillary, she's pooping on the precious Second Amendment,
she's also selling off little babies
for sexual torture. And then we got-- - CLEMENTINE: Right, right.
- And then we just talk about the flavors of the layers.
- And then could we get just, like, a bunch of little cupcakes on the side?
- Oh, that's fun. - Yeah and they--
- You see, thinking about presentation, you have to.
- Yeah, yeah. - And they could spell out something like
either Epstein didn't kill himself or--
- I'd love to get this by Sunday so I can bring it to church.
- TRUDY: Hey, Jeffy! - Hey, is that...
Is that Katherine Heigl?
- [laughs] I don't know who that is. How are you?
- She's a motion picture star from the past.
- Oh. - She's having a real rough go of it.
- I can't thank you enough for helping me put together that book case.
- Stop it, it was nothing. A book case, a smook case.
- Now I have another favor to ask you. - [chuckles] What's that?
- I bought a gazebo kit. Yeah.
- Is this the one you were telling me about?
- Yeah. It's the best one you can buy. - You pulled the trigger.
- It's all plastic. -Yeah.
- It's got about 1,200 screws and no directions.
- Can I give a belated yes? - Absolutely.
You can get back to me on that.
Fax me later. - Fax...
- [stutters] That's like the kids say today, fax me later!
- Fax me later. Send it to my people. I'm too busy for that.
- I've got people for my people.
[laughs] Oh!
- You are... And you probably hear it all the time,
you're the funniest person I've ever met.
- I do... I hear that a lot. - Yeah.
The only person who ever made me laugh growing up...
- Yeah. - ...was...
- Gallagher.
I've been saving up for seven years
to get front row, under that piece of plastic,
watermelon in my face.
- And see, that's the difference between us. You're an intellectual.
- Don't sell yourself short. - Well...
- I went through the seventh grade so I have quite a bit of knowledge.
Hey, Jeffy, I'm sorry to bother you. - What? Anything.
- We're having a big debate in here... - [chuckles] Of course.
- ...everybody's arguing
and we decided that you could be the deciding answer for us.
What's seven times four?
- Uh, twenty-eight on a good day, maybe every day.
- Shit. Thanks, Jeffy. - What did they say?
[radio chatter]
Seven, fourteen, fourteen...
It's 28.
- [alarm rings] - Hello, it's Deputy,
uh... deputies of color
with a 411 on having fun in the summer sun in Washoe County.
- There's a couple of do's and oh, no, no, no
for the young people of color.
- White folks love to call the cops when young black folks are having fun...
- And you'll say, but DOCs,
we're just kids using the pool in the common area
of an apartment complex.
- Are there also white people in that apartment complex?
'Cause if they see you swimming,
these white folks will lose their goddamn minds.
- Because white people aren't just crazy,
they're white people crazy! - they're white people crazy!
- Look for telltale signs of cop calling whites...
Jimmy Buffet shirts.
- Also, a white and any kind of a t-shirt with a skeleton on it.
Look out!
- Does this white look like they got their haircut at home?
- Look out!
- These types of whites have itchy 911 fingers.
- Look out!
- So remember, C, T, C, F.
Call the cops first and tell them
that there's a crazy white person lurking around.
- Because when we show up, there probably will be.
[funky music playing]