- So this is our first time participating in Frown Upside Down initiative
where we give out movie tickets instead of, uh, speeding tickets.
- This one's a good one, too. I think it's, uh... it's like JLo.
And it's about, like, two of the emojis, I can't remember which ones.
Maybe the poop one--
- I know that, uh, Peter Dinklage plays a Japanese guy in it.
- She-- And she looks great, that JLo.
- Yeah. - She's like 75 now.
But she looks fantastic.
- Hello! How are you today? - Good morning, Officers.
- It's just-- Admit one. - Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Uh... - Thank you.
- Hey, do me a favor, buddy.
'Cause I want nothing more than for you to walk away with that movie ticket,
but you gotta explain this to me satisfactorily.
Watch it! Fuck! - Aah! Fuck! Jesus Christ!
- Son of a-- Oh, he got 'em.
- Get in, get in, get in. - He's got the tickets!
No, he doesn't get the tickets. Let's go! - No way. No way.
- We're getting the tickets back.
Good morning. Good morning.
- Can anybody understand the... the loudspeaker voice?
- Uh-uh.
- Well, 'cause they're trying out a new person.
- Oh!
- You know what it is, Jim? It's not the system.
I got a look at her. Oh!
- She got one of those-- Oh, harelip.
- Cleft palate. Harelip. Harelip.
Oh. But a lot of-- Hey! A lot of super, super successful people have harelip.
Super successful. - Like who?
- Uh... - Uh...
- Bugs Bunny. Well...
- Is there-- What are we, in Hmm?
- ..."harelip" is what you say?
Yeah!
Uh... Garcia asked to make an announcement.
- I have, uh, been summoned
by the US Department of Justice Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
- Okay.
- Uh, apparently, um... - Mm.
- I was born outside the great walls of this country.
- Ooh! - Oh.
I have been informed I am an alien, uh...
present in the United States who has not been admitted or paroled.
Salsipuedes is where they tracked my... my family.
- I don't know, is that a-- Salsipuedes.
It's near Rosarito apparently. - Oh. Oh.
Other side. - Oh. Oh.
Other side.
- You're one of the most fanatical Americans I know.
- This is why it hurts so much. Right.
So you gotta go live in one of them cages?
- As of now, I'm gonna self-deport.
- Be careful.
'Cause I think they're caging the ones that turn themselves in, too.
You'll get caged for sure. Unless, yeah.
- Listen, I've been put in a cage before. It's not as bad as it sounds.
- There's a passenger dressed inappropriately.
The entire plane is offended. - Okay.
- If you could, just-- Please.
- Male? Female? Do we-- - Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sure it'll be obvious. - We'll figure it out.
Sheriff's Department.
- Nothing to be alarmed about, folks. It's just a routine check.
- Need your full co-operation.
Okay. Kimball? Um... - Oh, okay.
How are you today, ma'am? - Do you mind standing up for us, ma'am?
- And good for you?
A buckled safety belt. Good for you. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Good. Thank you so much. Excellent. - Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Hey, silver... silver dress. Can you--
Would you mind just standing up for us quickly? Yeah.
Wow! That's-- - I would... I would hit that.
- She's got a cute figure. - And I've never said that about a woman.
- She's got a cute figure. - No one would complain about that, right?
- No. No. - Okay. Um...
What have we here.
Ugh! Like, it almost looks like maybe they just fell.
- Okay.
- This is-- - Hello, sunshine.
- Did I see you in a revue on Tuesday night?
Yes-- I knew...
- Those tights are fantastic! - That's fantastic.
- I really enjoy that.
- You know, peop... people used to get dressed up on flights all the time.
Not anymore. But that-- Thank you, ma'am.
- I don't see anyone getting agitated over that.
Kimball? Found it, found it. Found it... right here.
That is disgusting.
Please get up.
Take your dirty, dirty titty... and get off this plane.
- You're serious? - No more.
We're sorry. Take it up with the airline.
Somebody send them videos.
- You should all ask for credit.
- Bonus miles.
- Don't-- No, don't-- Don't film me. I'm on a no-fly list.
- Well, I mean, he's gonna stick out like a sore thumb.
He can't even speak Spanish.
- He's the whitest person I've ever met. - He's-- Yeah, he--
- And I'm the great-grandson of Dutch puppeteers, think about that.
- And you get two beers into him
and he starts going off about how much he hates beaners.
He does not like them. Oh.
By the way, there are fantastic beaners out there.
- I-- I agree. - Name two.
- Guillermo del Toro. - One.
- Mm-hmm. - Antonio Banderas.
- Spain. Yeah.
- George Lopez! - From California.
- Uh, Señor Wences.
- Wasn't Señor Wences, uh, Ed Sullivan's hand?
- Well, I think if we cared at all about that little weirdo...
- We should kill him now so that--
- No. No!
- Okay. I don't know. I thought--
No, if we cared at all about that little weirdo Garcia...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...somebody would marry him.
- Not me. Not it!
- Fuck!
All right, let's do it! Come on! - Pulled my hamstring!
Oh, my hamstring! Aah. - You look great.
Where's Dangle? Where's Dangle?
- Dangle's not coming. He got flat.
Not it!
- Shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey! No, no. It's 4:59.
- We need you to do a thing. - What? Uh, no. We're closed.
No. No, no. Come on!
- Just a teeny ceremony. Really fast. - What?
- Really quick! Just real quick.
- Look here, I'm an old man, all right? Who's getting married?
- We're-- - Uh, us.
- Let me make one thing clear, I don't approve of no bullshit weddings
just to keep illegals in this country.
- No, sir. - All right?
- That's not what this is. No, no, no, no, no!
They've known each other for decades! - You should see it,
they, like, hang out and everything. - Okay. Okay,
so here's what we're gonna do.
I want to hear some honest, heartfelt, heartwarming vows.
Mm-hmm.
They better be straight from the heart and sincere as shit.
- All right... - Or I'm not pronouncing you married.
- Oh, okay.
Uh...
I've to say that, uh, love has been playing three-card Monte with my heart...
for most of my life.
I tried to find out where it could be.
And I think I found my King of Spades.
Right here, in front of me.
The man I've shared many of a life-threatening situations with...
you know, I... I don't think I can find a better partner in my job
and a better partner in my life than...
than this man right here.
I'd really like it, Sisyphus Cosman Jones...
if you would be my partner in life?
- I do.
How was that, black judge?
That was beautiful.
- I pronounce you married. Go with God.
I... I got to get out here. - All right.
- Thank you so much. You won't regret it. - Thank you. Thank you so much.
You did it. He did it.
- Ready? Hey!
- Aah, aah, aah. Aah! - Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa-ho.
- I got it! - Fucking bitch!
Give it to me! Give it to me! Oh! Oh!
That's mine!
It's my turn! - Oh, shit!
It's my turn! - Her bone is showing.
- This says more "bathroom" than it does "bedroom" to me.
Do you agree? Or do you want the bathroom to match the bedroom?
- Hang on-- I... I can't. I can't look at any more--
- Okay. - I can't look at any more swatches, okay?