- [radio chatter] - So,
we give a lot of tickets for people doing stuff...
like jerking off in public
and things you shouldn't really do. - JONES: [chuckles]
- So today we thought we'd do a new program that we call
"Operation Frown Upside Down." - "Frown Upside Down."
- We were going to do that together but... - Yeah, that's fine.
- We are gonna give this man a ticket...
but a ticket to, uh...
a movie! - A movie! [laughs]
- It's called Book Club Bandit$.
And get this, the "S" is a dollar sign.
- And, uh, it's staring, um,
uh, Jennifer Lopez... - Jennifer Lopez.
- ...and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.
- Watch us blow this guy's mind. - [laughs]
- Sheriff's Department.
- MAN: Back away from my car!
[gunshots]
- JONES: Holy shit!
[gunshots continue]
- Sir, I'm trying to give you free popcorn, you motherfucker!
- [gate closes] - [man groans]
[radio chatter]
- [radio chatter] - [gate shuts]
- Oh.
- Good morning, Prince Charming.
You remember why we pulled you in here?
- You wanna remind me, blue eyes?
- You, uh, you flunked a field sobriety test and we impounded your Harley.
- Oh, shit.
Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Are you really a cop,
or are you a movie star
doing research to play a cop? - [sighs]
- [laughs] - [laughs]
- Yeah, uh, listen, there's no need to flirt with me, all right?
Even though, you... you do tick off about...
[gate closes]
three of the boxes of the... the type of guy I like.
- If I could do magic, I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,
cast us off to sea... - CLEMENTINE: Oh!
- ...and have us wash up in Los Cabos...
mid-December...
- BOTH: ...blue whale migration season. - MAN: Exactly.
Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's for some peel-and-eat shrimp and...
and some clamato margatinis.
- You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.
- You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."
- And you know what I would say if I were a blue whale?
- Mm.
- [imitates blue whale] - MAN: Mm. Mm.
- JONES: Come on! - TRAVIS: This time for real.
- [gunshot] - [people cheering]
- CHERISHA: There you go! - [indistinct chatter]
- TRAVIS: Do it again! - [indistinct chatter]
- JONES: Pretty good. Pretty good. - ALL: Pretty good. Pretty good.
- JIM: You know who can't shoot like that? - CHERISHA: Yeah.
- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys. - Yeah, fuck those guys.
- CHERISHA: I think that's a lucky shirt. - TRAVIS: Mm, lucky...
- JIM: You know where he got this?
He goes to the... the lads section,
the boys section... - TRAVIS: Yeah.
Yeah, lar--large boys. Yeah. - JIM: Large boys...
He points to the three mannequins... - [clicks finger]
Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out. - WOMAN: Uh-huh. Uh- huh.
- TRUDY: Like a millionaire. - Yeah.
- You look a regular Magnum P.I. over there.
- And then Donny Junior can use them after.
- No, but you wear a smedium. [mumbles]
- He's a husky smedium, yeah. - Husky smedium.
- But, you know, most Americans--
- Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you. I bought a new turtleneck.
[motor whirring]
- These are, uh, men's shoes.
- Yeah, we figured.
- You remember I--I warned you, right?
- It's OK, baby.
We all have white friends.
- Yeah. Wait, just a second. - [phone vibrates, rings]
Hello.
Whoa. Yes, sir.
- Oh, it's about work. - Yes, sir.
Uh, no. We are actually, uh, we are off duty today, sir.
It's ICE. - MAN: Oh, shit!
- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Hey. Yes, sir.
- JIM: The Immigration?
- Uh... Uh... Yeah. We would, uh, we would love to.
[stutters] You know, we are not allowed to do backup on Immigration raids.
Them snowflakes on the City Council,
them goddamn libtards...
- Ordinance 42! - Ordinance 42.
And then the goddamn snowflakes they voted for it,
and we are a sanctuary county.
Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second. I'll let you speak to my supervisor.
- No, I don't wanna talk! - WOMAN: Losers!
- TRUDY: I haven't even finished my hot dog.
- Hello, Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.
Yep.
- What are you doing?
- It's, uh... It's...
Here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - Give it.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.
- Fuck, that's her real last name! That's her... that's her actual name!
- No. We're very busy actually because we just found a whole...
bunch of dead bodies.
- Carol, we need you.
- Hold on, please. Someone's calling me by my name.
- Carol. - Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?
- JONES: You need to play it out. Get the phone...
- It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...
- Just get it from her! - Carol?
- Ouch. I think I lost him. - WOMAN: Then we good.
- Maria...
[speaking in Spanish]
- At the Comida Mart.
[speaking in Spanish]
- Why don't you have a wedding ring?
- I had one.
You know, but I messed up.
I think I got hitched a little too early.
Then we had us a little girl and...
- Well, kids ruin everything. - Mm-hmm.
- I didn't know my dad.
Anyway, all I know about him is he...
he's really hot, and he had...
the strangest tattoo.
It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
Right here. - Fuck...
"Fuck Newt Gingrich."
- [stutters] Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?"
- Yes.
- You mean like this "Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?
- Oh.
- [gate closes] - [keys clinking]
Gross.
- I guess some of that got awful weird, huh?
- It's fine.
- Well, I didn't know you was my little girl.
- Yeah, we didn't know! We didn't know. - We didn't know.
- Anything I said to you as a whale, I take back.
- Uh...
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.
You know that Harley I got parked outside?
I want you to have it.
- No, I can't let you do that. Are you sure?
- OK. I'm su--
Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.
- "Fuck Newt Gingrich." That's what it says.
- Yeah, fuck him for all time.
- How do you like my new bike?
That wasn't my dad.
I'm not that gross, come on!
I saw that tattoo when he was booked,
and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have a little fun with him."
And just for the record, my dad owns an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,
and has to stay at least a 1,000 yards away from me at all times.