- JIM: The squirrels in the ducts are still there.
- I hear 'em. - Uh-huh.
- I feel like they're staring to...
you know, the one with the... I feel...
No one thinks that it sounds a little bit like,
a tiny bit like they're singing?
At all?
They're not words but, you know...
- It's-- Yeah, I know what you mean. - They're not singing. I'm not crazy.
- What do you hear them singing, Jim?
- I don't... See, I knew you're gonna be--
Everybody's gonna be dicks.
I don't think the squirrels in the ducts are singing "words."
They're not... They're not Marvin Hamlisch.
- Maybe, just maybe... you need to take a break.
You've been here for a long, damn time and maybe you need to just take a break.
- There's a spa, you know, outside of Primm...
- JONES: Yeah. - ...that's very nice.
- Are you guys doing Of Mice and Men
where you lead me out to Primm and then you shoot me in the head?
- No! - TRAVIS: No!
- God damn it. - TRAVIS: You can Google it.
There's a very nice kind of a... - JAMES: Yeah.
- ...like a spa thing...
- Why is everybody so excited for me to go to Primm?
What's going on? - TRAVIS: We're not excited.
- We're worried about you. - We just think you need a break.
You just said that the squirrels were singing.
- Not words! They're not making words!
I didn't say they were making words!
- Jim, go to Primm.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll go to Primm. - I think we all could use a break.
- I'll go to Primm.
- Oh, I hear 'em singing. - See?
- Hey! I'm in a limo... sort of car.
Hi! - Hey!
- Just twerking in a limo.
Twerking in a limo.
- Don't hate. - Don't hate.
That's not safe, Jim.
[singing like chickens]
Do I have taffy in my teeth?
- Yes. - Oh, my god.
- Quite a bit. I can't... - Well, get it.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Cut that shit out. You want a bullet in my head?
- No, sir. - No, sir. Sorry, sir.
- Decoy is called "Disco Duck," all right?
- So it's not the real one. - It's not the real Bernie.
We're gonna take the real Bernie offstage.
- Okay. - Through the back.
You're gonna take the Disco Duck through the front
so everybody can see him, cause a distraction.
You understand? - Yes, sir.
- That guy was cool. - That guy was so fucking cool.
- So fucking cool, man. - Wow!
- Disco Duck.
- Oh, my gosh! - Wow!
- How're you doin'? - You're not...
- Pleasure to meet you, "Bernie."
- All right, your country depends on you.
- Check. - All right.
-Neat, neat. - Wow.
- Hey. How are you guys? - [door slams]
- JIM: So we can talk to you, really?
- Yeah, of course you can. -Okay.
- I'm just a guy... - Oh, god. It just felt weird.
- I'm just an actor from LA. Just a guy.
- Wow! - That's... Wow!
- Wow! - I thought I recognized you.
- I don't know if you're fans of Hogan's Heroes?
- Who isn't? Come on. No. - Uh...
I was an extra a lot on that show.
- That's where I've seen you. - Yeah.
I got to be really good friends with one Robert Crane.
- [both] Oh.
- Wow! - What a great guy...
- Wow. - Yeah.
If you know anything about-- - I don't, but I heard...
I mean, he seems amazing. - He was so...
I wondered what happened to him 'cause he was so...
- Handsome. So handsome. - He got killed by a good friend of his.
- Oh. Me, him and Schultz, right?
- Oh, Schultz? - You know the Sergeant?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"No, no, no! No one is saying..."
- We used to gallivant around Sunset Boulevard.
- JIM: No. - TRAVIS: Wow!
- JIM: Wow! - Having so much sex.
No, I'm talking about just blowjob... - [humming]
Hey, you guys like to party?
- You guys like to party a little bit? - Uh...
- Oh, heck.
- I am gonna look up for a second. - We're gonna look that way.
- JACKIE: Yeah. - Oh. There she is.
- JACK: Yeah! - JONES: Okay.
- JACK: Hello. - No, thank you.
If I say "no, thank you"...
Hold my call. Hello.
This is Jackie. Yes.
- You don't get service. - Shh. Shut the...
- Hey, you gotta pick this stuff up.
- You have to pick it all up, how 'bout that?
- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Come on!
- Now you have to pick it all up. - JONES: No. No. No, Jackie.
- JACKIE: Don't touch! That's my stuff. - JAMES: What are they?
- Poussin, smartass. What do you think this is?
It's used condoms and teeth in the bottom of the baggy.
Everybody's got those.
- Jackie, please come with us.
- We don't wanna touch you. - You think I don't...
- Please, come on. Just...
- That came out of my nose. - Oh, man!
- JACKIE: This happened again. - Let's do a thing.
Just follow... follow me. - Okay.
- Hey, the two of us would like to, uh...
to, uh, uh, obtain your services, so...
- But we want to do it... Yeah. -...in the car.
- God damn, I haven't even had breakfast yet.
Well, let me first make sure I'm not pregnant.
- What're you doing? Oh, don't! No, don't pee!
-JACKIE: Hold on! It's for your own good. You want to fuckin'...
You want to pay alimony for the rest of the year?
- JACK: That would be the least of my worries, that you're pregnant...
- I'm checking it. I'm checking it. - JACK: She just peed...
- No, we're good. Where do you want it?
- In the car. - Yeah.
- In the butt? - Yeah.
Oh.
- But, yes. But in the car. - Okay.
- Come on. - I don't feel like it!
- Let's go. - What kind of party can we have
with a laxative and some petroleum jelly?
It's nice in here. - JACK: Yeah, there you go.
- JACKIE: Okay. - Put that up.
- Okay. - JACKIE: Help.
JACKIE: Oh, I'm shitting.
- JACK: You said you're shitting? - JACKIE: No!
- JIM: I'm gonna look over here. - Oh, what!
- How did you get the decoy work?
- I've done decoy work before.
I did Biden when he was VP. - You did Biden?
- I've done the late Joe McCarthy who ran the blacklist...
- Wonderful guy.
- Okay, guys.
Thirty seconds to Disco Duck. - Thank God.
- Okay. - He's really with you, right?
- Twenty-five seconds.
- Look, I'm gonna take a little hit...
- JIM: I'm gonna look the other way. - Before we go...
- Ten seconds to Disco Duck! - Yes, sir.
- Okay. - Here we go.
- You kinda have some... - Here, here, here.
- You sure you're good? 'Cause that was kind of a lot. Okay.
Here we go. Here he is, everybody.
- TRAVIS: Just move him. Just move him. - That's him.
Nothing to see here.
- I am the real Bernie.
- That's him. - CROWD: Bernie!
- JIM: That's him. - I am the real Bernie.
- MAN: Shit. Shit!
Can we get him in?
- TRAVIS: He's fine! - Shit.
- JIM: Oh, my god!
- TRAVIS: You got the EpiPen or anything? He's not breathing.
[siren wailing]
- Oh, he's dead. - Oh, god!
- We were in a car with a dead guy. - He's dead, he's dead. What do we do?
- We're in so much trouble. - We just call the Secret Service.
What do we do? What do we do? - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check it out.
Check it out. Check it out. - That's me.
- Oh, my god. - That's you!
- Hey, we're on the news! Look at that! - We're on TV!
- Wow! - Wow!
We're also on this one.
Oh, uh-oh.
- Oh, Honolulu. - Whoo! Neat.
"Bernie Sanders collapses dead in the Reno-Sparks Convention Center."
- Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.
Let's just push him out of the car.
- We're in Sparks now, a little bit.
If Sparks SD finds a body? - Not our problem.
- With my fingerprints? - Oh, fuck.
- Sorry, sir.
- All right, I got it. I'll hold on to it. I'll hold on to it.
I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.
- Somebody know what these are? - Uh...
Watch him. - Yeah. No, no, no, I take these.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I take these.
- Those are like mama's little helpers. - Those are mama's little helpers.
- Never doing that. - Pulled these off of him earlier.
- These will help carry him. If we're gonna...
- JIM: We're gonna carry him.
- If we're gonna carry him 40 feet, I'm just sayin'.
- JIM: Sorry.
- Okay. Yeah, let's do it. - Whoo!
- Hi! - CROWD: Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie! Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
- JIM: Go, go, go, go, go!
Holy shit, Susan Sarandon!