- Sheriff Department!
[bell rings]
Sheriff Department!
You reported a crime on your doorbell camera?
Probably just a guy in a hoodie.
It's always just a guy in a hoodie. Sheriff Department!
Going, going. Nope. Okay.
Call the Fire Department next time.
Can't be here all day, guys. I can't be here all day.
I got stuff to do.
Your doorbell camera is not deputized.
[whimpers] Why would--
Who would do this?
Why?
[screaming]
Ahhh!
[screams] Why!
- Welcome to the Secure and Sassy Concealed Carry Fashion Show.
Heather's working a casual look. She's running errands.
But she's not running scared.
[audience clapping]
Thank you, Heather.
Next up is Shawna.
Shawna's ready for yoga class. What's up in that yoga mat?
It's a 12 gauge pump. Nama-stay safe!
She's a ten... with a pair of nines!
Who's ready for evening wear?
[audience clapping]
Clemmie is ready for a night on the town.
But she's no sitting duck.
Where are you packing, Clemmie?
- CLEMENTINE: There's a couple of things in life that I'm really into right now.
One of them is fashion.
And one of them is not having anyone piss all over my rights.
- PRESENTER: Well, what's so special about that swimsuit?
That's right. It's Kevlar!
Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.
- MAN 1: Hello, cops. Hello. - MAN 2: What's up, pigs?
- We see you. I see you're on duty-- I'm on duty, too.
Okay, we just saw you tryin' to protect the Constitution
with our goddamn phones, man.
These kids, now they're trying to catch us doing something wrong all the time.
- I mean, it's tiresome. - We're gonna have a long wait.
- MAN 1: How many guns you got in there?
- FEMALE OFFICER: Fifty.
- JONES: Fifty? - MAN 1: Fifty! That's way too many guns.
- JONES: How many guns you got out there? - None!
- [both laugh mockingly] - MAN 1: Don't laugh!
That's not funny.
- JONES: Whoa! That's our guy!
- FEMALE OFFICER: That's our guy! - JONES: Let's go!
- [gun shots] - MAN 1: We got it! Oh, my God!
What the-- You're opening fire!
These police officers have just opened fire!
- MAN 1: They're shooting him!
- Hi, guys. - Hey, fellas.
-Welcome! - Congratulations. You got jury duty.
- Bienvenue.
- Congratulations, you got ju-- Wait, no.
You got jury duty.
- Which one of you guys-- Somebody named Tryst?
- I'm Tryst.
- FEMALE OFFICER: [chuckles] What kind of name is Tryst?
- You have $3,400 in unpaid parking tickets.
- I thought... Wait.
- We'll see you in court.
- But... - Hang on to that.
- Okay, don't hit him, sir. - I'm not hitting him.
I'm not hitting anybody. Did I hit anybody?
- ALL: No! - You absolutely did not.
- I didn't. Who's got all the dick pics on this one?
- Me, sir.
- Is that you or a friend? - It's a friend.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Well done. - I mean, I would've said it was me.
- This morning, we found out a model had to drop out.
She had a bowhunting accident over the weekend.
- Clemmie had a friend-- - It's not a friend.
Had a-- Knew someone who could step in at the last minute.
So we're gonna give her a go.
- I know you've never done this before but you've probably watched models before?
- You've never watched a fashion show? - I don't have a TV anymore.
- Okay. Okay.
Well, why don't you-- This a runway.
- Smize.
And then I smize. And then I smize.
- I'm gonna pause you for a second. - Okay.
- It got weird-- - Take this seriously.
- CLEMENTINE: Trudy's like that old spare tire that you forget about.
- Sure it's bald... barely gonna get you-- - Stop complimenting.
Stop with the compliments. My head is getting big.
- I've got so many compliments just like that one.
- PRESENTER: Up next, it's Trudy.
Tennis, anyone?
- TRUDY: I have never walked in a fashion show before.
But I do walk around a lot...
to the coffee machines, sometimes to the vending machine,
and I have been told... that I look pretty good doing it.
- Who told you that? Name names.
- Um...
Roberto. He's new. - Mmm.
He and I are kind of having a thing.
- Oh.
- PRESENTER: Trudy is serving up a beautiful silhouette.
Nice backhand, Trudy.
What about that tennis racket?
I 40-love it.
As if Trudy was not creating enough of a diversion herself...
Flash grenade!
Ball's in your court, date rapists.
Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun in your pocket
or are you just happy to live a country with the Second Amendment?
- MAN: Shooter!
[people screaming]
- I'm okay.
-[gun shot] - Shit!
- MAN: Sorry.
- Next up is Lisa!