Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh! Hey, hey!
- Hey, can we shoot him yet? - No, no, no!
We... We have to do the new protocol.
All right, all right. What is it? Number one.
"Establish a rapport."
Hi, guys. Uh... How are you doin' this mornin'?
I gotta ascertain... - Hey, guys, we're trying to...
"Verbally persuade the subject to comply."
Hey, why don't you stop?
Man, lookout! - Ow!
Hey, hey!
I'm trying to be sympathetic to your needs and wants.
That's right.
Damn it! He's being sympathetic, asshole!
Hold! We're out of ammo.
- It actually worked! - It actually worked, man.
Aah!
Not cool, dude!
Oh, my God!
Good morning. Good morning.
Good morning, gang. - Yeah.
Uh... It's Firefighter Appreciation Week.
- Oh. - Ugh.
Again?
I wasn't gonna do... I'm not doing shit.
I'm just saying it... exists.
Uh, Junior, you had something... Junior's, uh, been...
Yeah, I just wanted to call everybody's attention
to a... a petition that's going around...
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - ...online...
There's a petition going around to cancel Paw Patrol.
Uh, and I would love everybody to get on it and sign it.
I think it's cop-aganda.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
And I think if we're all gonna be part of the cancer culture,
I think we gotta hop on it
and take that thing down. Hey, Trav...
I think it's called "cancel culture."
- Cancer culture? - Cancer?
- "Cancel." - It's like a negative cancer
against police officers. - Cancel.
Oh, I never knew what that meant.
Yeah, cancer culture. - Oh.
Yeah, it's like you say one thing wrong
and everybody's like, "That guy said the n-word ten years ago,
let's give him cancer on the internet."
- That's sick! - Yeah!
You... You've convinced me.
Yeah. - That is sick.
It's five little dogs and there's a fireman.
Fuck 'em! - Oh, I'm out.
Fuck 'em.
And then there's one that just fucking recycles.
Which is like, "What the fuck?"
And they just found a meteor that gave them all superpowers.
It really fucking junked the show.
Excuse me, the Black guy has a question.
Yeah, guys...
- Do you not know Jones' name? - Of course I do!
But I was respecting his heritage
like we've been asked to do!
Okay. Oh! Okay.
Jones? - Just, just, just a question.
Do... Do we or do we not announce ourselves
before we go to... into a residence?
Oof. A residence?
Do we say that we do or do we really do it?
Hello. Hello, miss. Hey, hi.
I'm... I'm here to, uh...
First of all, let me apologize to you. I...
I... I see that you are in a hurry but I got a call saying,
from the store, that, uh... an African American woman,
5'6"-5'7", was caught shoplifting...
Shoplifting? Where am I gonna put something that I stole?
Hey, you know what...
I... I know you're doing your job
but I... I really have to go. - Thank you.
- I really have to go. So... - I... I understand that.
But I... I have to obtain you for just a second
and wait for a female officer to come and pat you down.
I'm a lawyer. I don't know if I've mentioned that to you.
I'm a lawyer and I have a case that I need to get to.
- You look very lawyer-y. - I know!
- Listen, sister. Right? - No.
- Yeah. Right? Come on, now. - No.
There is nowhere that I can put things that I stole.
- Okay? I have no pockets. - I'm not looking at that.
There's just a gorgeous teal bra.
- Yeah. - Okay, I have an idea...
How about I harass you first? - Mm.
You then frisk me and then I can't make a complaint...
Then we're both touching each other at the same time,
and that way, it... - Okay.
- That's null and void. - That's... Yeah.
- One, two, three. - Two...
- Oh, my God! - What?
Janine Hogan, ACLU.
I cannot believe that just happened.
I will see you in court. - That's...
- Can I talk to you? - Absolutely.
Thank you so much. I think this angle...
Hey! The new Kevlar's here!
All the way from Japan.
Gather round, gather round.
- This was expensive! - Look at this!
- That's like a fanny pack. - Look at this!
I know what it is, you know why?
Unless I'm crazy, does it do... does it Iron Man open?
I mean, it was expensive enough.
- Oh, yeah, we just... - No, it's just a fanny pack.
I think these are, like, for underwater.
- Yeah, these are waterproof. - Oh, guys, they're real tight.
- You know what I think it is. - What?
I think it makes your head real tight
so you can fit through tighter spaces.
Oh, hello! No, no!
Yeah... No, I got it. I got it.
Wait... Maybe you're supposed to zip your balls in there.
Want me to call the Fire Department?
I feel like that's just something
you want me to try to do.
Jim, try... Please, for me, try and zip your balls in there.
- No. - Let's... I've got an idea.
Everyone take turns trying them on,
get in a line, I'll punch you in the balls,
and we'll see if it works. Okay.
- Hey, guys, it's... - For a fucking mutt.
- That makes more sense. - That makes way more sense.
- Yeah. - You know what...
- This doesn't go... - You know what?
It does make sense, 'cause you know what?
That zipper pouch... For dog balls.
Hello, it's the Reno Sheriff's Department.
Boy, this year, it's really become en vogue
to hate on police officers.
Holy cow!
Message received.
And we just wanted to take a moment out of your busy day
from your disputes with your family
that you want us to stop and things like that...
To say, " Please be... Please. Please be nice to us."
You have no idea what we have to go through in a day.
Right now, I'm wearing an adult diaper
because I'm also wearing
a required regulation onesie without a flap.
And it's very hard to get it off
when you have to go number two.
And it almost always means getting fully nude...
in... ...fast-food restaurants,
for Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos,
the back of a Pagan Chicken.
Have you ever eaten an entire cheese log at Christmas
and then the next day you think,
"Today's the day I'm gonna poop."
But it isn't.
What Trudy is trying to say is...
"Please be nice to us for a second."
And we're sorry for all of this.
Obviously, systemic racism, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, we're sorry about that.
But... also, p-please be nice to us.
Since the budget of the Reno Sheriff's Department
has been cut by 85%...
It's hard to believe we were ever fully funded
because we've always had to have bake sales and stuff like that
to make ends meet.
Fundraising for this job
is taking time away from all my side hustles.
When am I gonna sell my catalog stuff?
When am I gonna do my webcam work?
You know, my Venmo... ...is... is drying up.
Doesn't smell too good in here, does it?
That's the jail that smells like that.
You know why it smells like that?
That's because sometimes people will defecate in there.
Do you know what defecate means? It means shit.
Scumbags come in here and shit themselves in that cell.
They do that because they're the fucking scum of the Earth.
You know how they started down that road?
They started... just like you.
"I'm not gonna listen to my teacher."
Or "I'm gonna smoke some cock so I can score some crack.
And then I'm gonna give handjobs and blowjobs
to some weird dude I never know,
just so maybe he'll toss me a little meth in the morning."
Is that what you want?
I'm gonna find
your foot in a river, your foot in a river!
If you stay on this path, I will fuck you over myself!
I will rip your fucking face off!
Get your shit together! You know...
Let me at 'em!
I'm gonna bite your nose off! - Get outta here while you can.
There they are. Okay.
Uh, the lieutenant governor is ready to give these kids
their Great Citizen Awards.
And we gotta move them 'cause the Scared Straight kids
are coming in right now, and they both bite.
The governor's waiting for you. Up front.
How did I lose you guys?
Watch out, watch out, these dudes bite.
You guys heard all the shit we said to those kids, right?
We're good.
In light of recent events,
and the frequency of the civil unrests in the streets,
the Reno Sheriff's Department has been given a mandate
to kind of tone down some of our riot control gear.
Make it a little bit more, uh, "people-friendly."
Let's say you have, uh... you have a peaceful protester...
Uh, non-peaceful. "Non-peaceful protester."
Someone exercising their Second Amendments rights.
- First. They're both great! - They're both great.
Uh, what we have here is a tear gas that's, you know, only 75%.
That's fine! - That's fine, right?
You can still protest, right? - I can still protest.
- Bernie, Bernie! - AOC!
We also have... This is kind of fun,
this is kinda yummy, a habanero pepper spray.
It cleared off the tear gas. - It sure did.
- Yeah. - And we got rubber bullets.
You might as well be throwing jelly beans out
at the Easter parade. - Pfft.
Okay, they get it, they get it, they get it!
This is one of my favorites. This is a bean bag gun.
- And what happens is... - All right, do it.
Uh... It's not working, Junior.
I'll turn up the, uh... the pressure here.
- Yep, get the pressure up good. - Yep.
Son of a bitch! Yeah. - Oh, let me, let me...
- Uh... Yeah, knock it out. - All right.
You get the point. - Uh... You get the point, yeah.
Oh!
- No! - Yes!
No...
No. There are no words.
- Every day... - I know!
...in the middle of my shift,
I have my Cheesletons. - Oh, fuck!
They're defunding us more. The snack machine was there.
Don't... Don't tell her, just let her... She'll figure it out.
♪ Get some snack in I wanna get ♪
That's quite a ritual.
She does this every time she comes in here by herself.
You never saw this?
I think it's the best part of her day.
♪ I'm gonna get some snack ♪
She's... You know she's legally blind, right?
- I didn't know that... - You didn't know that?
Yeah, she and Travis both. Yeah.
Hey, Trude? - Yeah?
You saw they took the snack machine, right?
- Fuck! - Yeah, sorry.
Made a great sound when they would drop, didn't it?
Such a good sound. And then, always...
Whatever was in N-5,
you knew you could shake it loose.
Is it being repaired?
Wait, hang on. Huddle up.
It's just being repaired, right?
Yeah, actually, it is.
It's being repaired. - Just get through the day.
- It's coming. - It's coming.
There's a new day coming. Yeah.
- Yep. - Son of a bitch.
- Yeah. - They grinched it in the night.
♪ Mr. Cheesleton He's the duke of snacks ♪
Fuck!
♪ Mr. Cheesleton... ♪
Shit.
♪ He's the king of... ♪
Are you... What?
I can't work here anymore, Jim.
I say that every fucking day! But now it's worse.
I'm done. Fuck!
I spent a whole Christmas Eve
with my arm in that thing. - Remember that Christmas Eve?
We remember.
We... Oh, man, I wish we'd found you sooner.
Where'd this go?
They took it. They grinched it in the night.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- No. - Part of the defunding.
That snack machine was the last place
in the United fucking States to get Cheesletons.
And they fucking got rid of it?
I am going to fucking murder someone, for real!
I am murdering someone! - Don't do-- I'll calm him down.
Get online. See if you can find Cheesletons anywhere.
You're not gonna be able to calm him down, I get it.
- Fuck this place. - Hey, you guys.
They just moved the snack machine.
It's down the hall. And guess what...
Huge bags of Cheesletons.
- Oh, it's in Processing? - Oh, thank God!
Oh, fuck, I read that memo and I forgot. I forgot.
Whoa!
Yeah. We've had a... uh, a string of burglaries, uh,
here in the, uh, Reno area.
Two, but it's still pretty cool.
And so we did something a little unorthodox.
We, uh, found an advertisement for a psychic
that might be able to help us
figure out this string of burglaries.
It can't hurt. It can't hurt to try.
- Knock-knock! - Hey.
- Hey! - Oh...
- Hey, Clem. - Someone call for Ms. Chloe?
Uh, I... I did. Yeah. What?
Did you know I was psychic? Did you know that?
Oh, you are her?
- Yes! - Wow!
Between my love line and my life line is a cross.
That means I have the gift.
So I started exploring it.
I've really been doing the work, I've done Ayahuasca.
I've mended all my fences in my past lives.
This is real cool.
- There's history here. - I fucking knew it!
Didn't I say? Trudy! Trudy!
This has been touched.
Whoever touched this last has a financial problem.
Well, how do you know that's not a shopper
that tried it on?
Whoever did this,
uh, very elevated heart rate at the time of the break-in.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! - Okay, that makes sense.
Whoever did this...
has a disdain... - Mm.
...for low-quality merchandise.
Wow! Mistress Chloe?
Yes.
This is awkward but
can you tell... can you tell me anything?
Just... I had a really weird feeling today.
Oh, this is not gonna be good.
Go. Go, the station's on fire.
- The station's on fire. - Shit!
- That station's on fire, go! - I see smoke.
- Thank you! Thank you, Cleo! - Yes, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
And I'm taking this...
And I'm taking these.
Because I don't believe for one minute
that anyone's gonna Venmo me anything.
And my time is valuable.
Somebody's gotta go. Not it!
- Shit. - Yes!
Good luck.
- All right. - Get 'em.
- I love you, sir. - I love you back.
- One, two, three! - Do it.
Go, go, go! Close the door!
- Oh, God! You made it back. - Oh!
All right, Amazon. Johnson, there you go.
Thank you.
We got, uh... boner drugs from Canada.
- Oh! - There you go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - More boner drugs.
Did my Highlights magazine come?
I got... Oh, hey.
"For the brave men and women
of the Reno Sheriff's Department."
Oh, that's nice! Wow!
We got a... We got a fan.
That's weird, everybody else hates us.
Look at that. Brownies. Brownies!
Want to just scoop 'em?
- Just scoop it, yeah. - Is that shit?
That's shit. Shit!
- Ugh. - Oh.
- That's shit. - That's shit?
- Hundred percent. 100%. - Hundred percent.
I'm Raineesha Williams
with a public service announcement.
When we are out on the streets,
people shout all kinds of things at us.
Like, "You're gonna lose your job!"
And, "You're a disgrace to your badge."
"You should be fired."
Shouting at us doesn't do anything.
If you want to get me fired, here's what to do.
Send a complaint in writing to the Nevada Public Inquiry Unit.
Tell them Officer Raineesha Williams committed,
and write this part down,
"a flagrant class B violation of my civil rights."
Or you can log on to - - NVPIU. - ORG/ - COMPLAINTS...
and say Raineesha Williams,
R-A-I-N-E-E-S-H-A Williams,
committed a flagrant class B violation of my civil rights.
And I will be suspended immediately
with full pay and pension,
which I do not get if I just quit.
And I will be out on my ass, and justice will be served.
And I'll be getting served a well drink piña colada
in an affordable timeshare in Boco Raton.
Officers are standing by.
Did anybody call yet?
Phew.
You know what, guys, if you don't know this,
I want to tell you this now...
It... It... It's... It's been an honor, really.
If I'm gonna go down, I wanna go down with you guys.
I don't necessarily want that,
if there's an option to not go down at all.
Is there an option? Obviously, yeah.
Yeah, it doesn't make anybody a bad person.
That's the first option.
Okay. Yeah.
I... Fuck it, I wanna die water skiing,
I've told you guys for years. I never saw this.
In fact, that lady you sent me to
told me I would die waterskiing. - Mm-hmm.
Every day, I believe everybody's entitled
to just a... a tiny little bit of happiness.
I make sure every day at some point,
I read a little MAD magazine and then masturbate.
Aww.
You're doing like the Don Martin or Al Jaffee?
No, it's separate.
I don't read MAD magazine, then masturbate.
I do both of those things at some point during the day.
When I need to blow off some steam,
I'll find a leathery young homeless guy
with nothing to lose and I... I'll pick a fight with him.
Do you guys ever buy too many salad greens
and then you... they just go rotten in the fridge?
You always think you have a little more time with them.
I'm gonna have that... that salad tomorrow.
I wish I would have tried harder to find my brother.
You mean Rick Rizzo? We bring him in a lot.
Wait, Trudy, are you talking about
- Rick Rizzo, the pool pooper? - Yeah.
Oh, you don't wanna meet your brother.
We know who he is. - Mm-hmm.
Lately, uh, to just soothe myself at home,
I put on, uh, documentaries about, mm, things like...
This is gonna be, this... I know...
I just feel like time's... time's tight.
- Is everybody gonna go? - Oh, I... I don't have to go.
Thank you. That's what I meant, I guess.
Oh!
Sorry, we would've been here sooner
but somebody couldn't find the saw.
Okay, look, the riots ended a while back,
you guys okay?
Yeah, we're good. - Are you guys okay?
Are you guys okay?
Are you guys hiding?
Uh... Who, me? No. No!
We were building a fort, um... with these.
Look at this. Everybody, get under.
- She's holding the fort. - Great job, guys. Really.
Fuck you, Greg. Thanks very much.