1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:02,669 Got a call about an open window around here. 2 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:03,962 Gotta do a wellness check. 3 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,547 Sheriff's Department! 4 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,340 Sheriff's Department, wellness check! 5 00:00:07,382 --> 00:00:08,633 - PERSON: Aah! - Wellness check! 6 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,093 What the fuck are you doing here? 7 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,470 - I... I live here. - Fucking prove it! 8 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,055 My ID's right over there in my wallet. 9 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,223 Just check my wallet. 10 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:16,683 Why don't you have your fucking ID? 11 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,309 'Cause... 'Cause I live here, this is my home. 12 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,394 [cop grunts] 13 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:20,770 PERSON: What... What are you doing? 14 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,188 - [grunting] - [person shrieking] 15 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:24,524 - Where is Jeff? - I live here, this is my house! 16 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,026 Why is there a cop pointing a gun at you? 17 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,445 - I don't know. - TRAVIS: Wellness check! 18 00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,113 Okay. Okay, okay, I get it! 19 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,573 What the fuck is going on in here? 20 00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,241 I don't know what's going on. I'm well! 21 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,909 CHERISHA: Wellness check! 22 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:35,744 [grunts] 23 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:37,078 [police siren wailing] 24 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,329 Wellness check! 25 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,291 We got a report of an open window in Apartment 408. 26 00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,585 Now what the fuck is your story, asshole? 27 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:47,964 Check my ID. I live here. This is my apartment. 28 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,132 [radio chatter] 29 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:52,302 Oh, yeah? Well, this says Apartment 202. 30 00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:55,472 Yeah. 'Cause you're all in the wrong apartment. 31 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:56,890 [radio chatter] 32 00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:58,475 You're in the wrong apartment! 33 00:00:58,516 --> 00:00:59,768 [people clamoring] 34 00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:01,061 You're in the wrong apartment! 35 00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:02,020 Turn off the camera. 36 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,981 [theme music playing] 37 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,524 [cheering] 38 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,283 - [groans] - [shouting] 39 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,495 Oh, my God. 40 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:22,957 [screaming] 41 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,297 [police siren wailing] 42 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:42,519 - JIM: Morning, gang. - ALL: Morning. 43 00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,605 No, no... no... no big news today. 44 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,482 I mean, just gonna be normal, um... 45 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:48,942 If you were an odd number last week, 46 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:50,527 you're an even number patrol this week. 47 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:54,781 Nothing's-- But everything's basically, um, the same. 48 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,991 ALL: Yeah! 49 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,576 - JONES: Finally. - Hey, you got donuts. 50 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,787 JIM: They're gonna... Apparently, they will be on 51 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,455 once in a while for a little bit. 52 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,124 Even after the defunding. 53 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:05,917 You know, they said, and I think... 54 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,919 I, for one, think it's pretty true as they... 55 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,630 when they said nothing would feel that different. 56 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,006 And I don't think it does, do you? 57 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,467 - Did they sell our table? - Yes. 58 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:17,137 Yeah. They sold a lot-- quite a bit of the stuff. 59 00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,556 Why didn't they offer to let us buy it? 60 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:22,433 [chuckles] Could you afford these tables? 61 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,060 Well, how much did they cost? 62 00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,062 - Seventy-five bucks. - JIM: $75, for both. 63 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,480 CHERISHA: Yeah, a bit pricey. 64 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,857 - No. - See? 65 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,568 Uh, I went out of pocket to buy toilet paper 66 00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:32,735 for the women's room... 67 00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,529 - Thank you for that. - ...and... 68 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,072 - Thank you. - where is... where is it? 69 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,449 I bought a big 16-pack... - Yeah. 70 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:41,411 Don't steal the toilet paper that I'm buying. One thing-- 71 00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:43,204 We didn't steal it. We got a towel 72 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,873 we have to wash off after-- - JIM: We have a... 73 00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:48,001 Hey, guys, couple of things about that towel. 74 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:49,377 TRUDY: Oh. 75 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,171 - Come on! - JONES: No, no, no, no! 76 00:02:51,212 --> 00:02:53,840 I mean, I think the, the, the main thing is... 77 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,677 Nothing's really-- Other than a couple of cosmetic things-- 78 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,804 We just mentioned sharing a towel. 79 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,514 JIM: The tow... And I was gonna tell you, 80 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,142 uh, the towel is definitely getting crunchy. 81 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,522 JIM: Well, I should've peed when we have long drives. 82 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,107 Remind me to pee every time. [sighs] 83 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:14,319 - What the hell is this place? - JIM: Where is this? 84 00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:16,321 - Hello! - Hello? 85 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:19,115 [cell phone ringing] 86 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,242 Coming from there? - Yeah. 87 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,452 Oh, shit! 88 00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:23,912 TRAVIS: I hate when we get mysterious packages 89 00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:25,079 out in the desert. 90 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,706 Wait, are you just gonna... - I am. 91 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,458 But I'm gonna look the other way when I do it this time. 92 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,376 'Cause last time, remember what happened? 93 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:31,628 [cell phone continues ringing] 94 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:33,338 Burner phone. God dang it! 95 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:34,547 No head in the box? 96 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:35,757 BOTH: No head in the box. 97 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,508 - All right. You ready? - Yeah. 98 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,553 - BOTH: Sheriff's Department. - [Ted laughs] 99 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,598 You miss me, now you gotta kiss me. 100 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,391 Pucker up, libtards! 101 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:46,851 Who's speaking, please? 102 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,062 TED: Don't you remember me? Your old pal? 103 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,439 Here's a little riddle to jog your memory. 104 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:52,732 Shit, he's doing riddles. 105 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:53,983 - Fuck! - He's doing riddles. 106 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,276 Oh, God dang it. - I hate riddles. 107 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,695 TED: I'm not an old gent 108 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:00,114 so I must be a... what? 109 00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,033 - I must be a... twin. - [hums] Uh... Hang on. 110 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,035 - Twin, twin! Twin, twin! - Hang on, queen, baby-- 111 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,745 Mardi Gras baby. Baby. - Mardi Gras baby. 112 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,247 TED: I... I thought it was pretty obvious. 113 00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:08,623 Okay, we're moving on. 114 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,250 Here's the second one, this is super easy. 115 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:12,001 You'll get this for sure. - All right. 116 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:16,214 TED: What has two arms except when he has more arms 117 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,092 because of our blessed Second Amendment? 118 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,468 - Uh... Octopus. - Octopus. Octopus. 119 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,053 - D-Dr. Octopus! - No, uh... Dr. Octopus? 120 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,264 Uh, the elephant guy from Indian restaurants. 121 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,724 Indian restaurant elephant guy or Doc Ock? 122 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:27,642 [Ted exclaims] 123 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,018 What is wrong with you? I... 124 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,520 - That is literally... - Oh, my gosh! 125 00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,897 ...the easiest riddle I could come up with. 126 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,399 - [Travis exhales] - Well, obviously not. 127 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,900 Obviously not, because we didn't get them. 128 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,110 I'm not an old gent... 129 00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:38,569 ...I'm a Nugent. - BOTH: Nugent. 130 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,029 - Ted Nugent. - See how that works? 131 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,614 - Yeah. - And arms like, you know, guns. 132 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:42,615 Ammo like arms. 133 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,950 That's a homophone! Come on! 134 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,618 - Oh! We sure don't say that. - It takes-- 135 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,245 Even I'm not allowed to say that. 136 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,414 I got sent to a whole thing and I had to go to a thing. 137 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,040 Really nice compound you got. 138 00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:53,334 Oh, thanks, man. It's... You know, it's homey, I like it. 139 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:56,546 TRAVIS: Did I read that this is technically 140 00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:58,589 not part of America in any way? 141 00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,799 You're correct, sir. 142 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,510 You're in the Free State of Mad Manchester. 143 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,095 - TRAVIS: Whoa! Whoa! - JIM: Wow! 144 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,680 We got our own flag and everything. 145 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,181 Have you seen it yet? - No. 146 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:10,184 Oh, it's amazing. It's got Barack Hussein Obama... 147 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,061 [chuckles] ...with a bone in his nose. 148 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,146 Oh, neat. 149 00:05:13,187 --> 00:05:14,439 - And standing next to him... - Yeah. 150 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,024 ...Hillary eatin' a baby. 151 00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,734 And next to her, um... - Wow. Right. 152 00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,736 Now that I say this out loud, it sounds kinda busy. 153 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:20,987 It's so busy. 154 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,822 - Sounds like a lot going on. - Yeah? Right. 155 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,871 Deputy Raineesha Williams here. 156 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,373 Now more than ever, it's a tough time 157 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:36,377 to be a strong Black sister in the state of Nevada 158 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:40,798 where it's legal and encouraged for pubescent white boys 159 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:44,719 to carry war weapons that would have seemed made up 160 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:49,057 if you didn't see them on the news all the time. 161 00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:50,391 If you're like me, 162 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,311 sometimes you just want to get errands done 163 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,021 or hit the salon, 164 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:57,482 and not get murdered by the police. 165 00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:01,986 Well, now it's easy with a little Pinterest page 166 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,615 I've made called "Street Smart Sisters." 167 00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:08,659 If you want to not get hassled on the street, 168 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:14,624 you just need to look and seem like a white teenaged vigilante. 169 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:18,544 Because the cops love a white teenaged vigilante 170 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:23,299 even more than they hate a strong Black sister. 171 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:26,803 I call this "Up in the Rittenhouse." 172 00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:30,556 It's a neckerchief that covers my beautiful Black face, 173 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:33,309 a red hat that says "fuck your feelings," 174 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:38,022 and loose khaki pants with no bulge in the penis area. 175 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,691 If there was a bulge in the penis area, 176 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:45,071 I would need a war weapon that can kill a Velociraptor. 177 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:50,284 So this fashion season keep up in the hits house. 178 00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,036 The Ritten-his-house. 179 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,579 [camera shutters clicking] 180 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:56,290 Because, literally, you'll be safer like this... 181 00:06:56,332 --> 00:07:00,420 than you would be with brown skin. 182 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,636 - JAMES: This is the place. - Hello! 183 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,346 Sheriff's Department! 184 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,557 Guten tag, guten tag, fun elf-- 185 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,183 Fuck, it's you guys? - JONES: Yeah. 186 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,519 JAMES: Several people from the County of Reno called us 187 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:19,939 that said they are missing their lawn or garden gnomes. 188 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:24,694 I'm gonna send down my... my protégé to speak with you. 189 00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:26,863 What do you want? Ow... How can I help you? 190 00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:29,490 The... The king doesn't talk to policemen. 191 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,493 Just say it to me and then I'll tell him later. 192 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,162 JONES: Do you want me to come up there? 193 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,038 I will take this right now. - We will... We will impound-- 194 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,624 And you wonder why people don't love cops! 195 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:41,419 It's this! Because gnomes aren't safe. 196 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,629 Get down here now, Steve! 197 00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:48,259 I'm a magical gnome. I'm the king of the gnomes. 198 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:53,264 And we, uh, declare this space safe 199 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,891 from American laws 200 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,809 because it's a magical fairyland. 201 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,227 Uh-huh. Why? 202 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,647 I'm a little off my court-ordered meds. 203 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:03,065 - JONES: Mm. Okay. - JAMES: Okay. 204 00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:05,443 So my wife was sleep eating last night. 205 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,987 She thought they were M&M's, she just chugged them all down. 206 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,363 - Sleep eating? - Yeah. 207 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,157 Well, she's, uh, blind. She's not really blind 208 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:14,368 but she's so fat that her face has kind of enveloped her eyes, 209 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:15,828 and she thought they were... [sighs] 210 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,455 I don't know, some sort of candy treat, like-- 211 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,248 - Does she live up here? - She's up there right now? 212 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,626 God, no, she can't leave the stairwell. 213 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,169 That's where we last got her stuck 214 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,671 so she's just right there in the stairway in my home. 215 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:28,466 I had to rent this from my gnome friends. [chuckles] 216 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,092 I feel like that's the most honest thing 217 00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:32,303 you've ever said to us, ever. - Yeah. 218 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,930 No one knows who these gnomes belong to. 219 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,139 I... I found them... - Uh... 220 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,474 ...on my neighbors' yards. 221 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,850 And-- - "Marsha Fairline." 222 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,393 We don't know if that's really her name. 223 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,187 D-- Please don't disturb that one. 224 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,688 "Terra Merryweather." 225 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:44,482 - Okay, I know-- - "Trudy Weigel." 226 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,775 All these white women... - Yeah. 227 00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,235 ...had their names on these gnomes. 228 00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:48,945 It's a big mistake. I was off my meds. 229 00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:50,404 I'm very sorry. - Let's go. Yeah. 230 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:53,449 Great. Wait. Wait, hold-- - I can't believe this. 231 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:54,492 Wha... 232 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,868 - Did you hear that? - I did hear it. 233 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,453 There is a little girl down there. 234 00:08:57,495 --> 00:09:00,540 I threw her a rope a week ago and she refused to take it. 235 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:03,000 No, no, no! No! - Come on! 236 00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,590 It's good to see you, man. It really is. 237 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,342 - Been a while! - It has been a bit. 238 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,886 Hey, hey, you guys know Joe Rogan, right? 239 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,805 - No! - Joe, come on out here! 240 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,181 Meet the gang! - BOTH: Whoa! 241 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,100 - Wow! Wow! - TRAVIS: [mumbles] Big fan! 242 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:20,893 Whoa, okay. - You heard his podcast? 243 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,687 - Oh, my gosh, the pod. - Oh, all right. 244 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:24,021 Some of them are verbose 245 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,232 and I tend to agree with almost half of it. 246 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,608 He's getting your guns right now. 247 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,985 Yeah, okay, that's great. 248 00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,444 Joe and the squad, they're gonna keep you here... 249 00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:31,612 Yep, okay. 250 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,197 ...while me and you play a little game. 251 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,824 - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. - I hope it's not riddles. 252 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:37,493 - No riddles, please. - "The Most Dangerous Game." 253 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,787 - [Ted and Jim laugh] - Oh, no... 254 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,539 Remind me what that means. 255 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,250 At my age, almost anything. You know, my meniscus went. 256 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,545 So, uh, the... the Most Dangerous Game is, uh... 257 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,797 Well, it's when I hunt you down like an animal 258 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,090 and kill you. 259 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,383 But, uh, the good news... 260 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,385 the good news is, if there is a survivor, 261 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,304 I'm not saying there will be, but if there is, 262 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:59,765 the lucky contestant will get a beautiful, 263 00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:03,603 commemorative copy of 20 Years of The Nuge. 264 00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,688 - JIM: Oh! Whoa! - TRAVIS: Wow! 265 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,064 It's got all the number ones. 266 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,524 How... How many number ones did you have? 267 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:12,361 Uh, nothing got higher than, um, 43. 268 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,654 But it's... Yeah... 269 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,239 - It's a beautiful frame. - Oh, my gosh, the frame! 270 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,283 Oh, isn't-- You'll enjoy the frame for years. 271 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,701 I'm gonna be there... - JIM: A-ha. 272 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,202 - ...you're gonna be here. - JIM: A-ha. 273 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:21,621 I'm gonna give you a little ring-a-ding 274 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:22,997 on the burner phone, you're gonna run. 275 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,332 I'll give you a little head start. 276 00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,833 - A-ha. Okay. - It'll be fun! 277 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,126 We don't have to guess who y-you are this time. 278 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,419 Eh, there's only one person 279 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,587 who's gonna be calling on this phone. 280 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,630 [cell phone ringing] 281 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:31,547 Shit. 282 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,008 - Run, libtards! - [gunfire] 283 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:37,678 [screaming] 284 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,263 Come get some! 285 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:43,643 That tickle? [laughs] 286 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,102 That was round one. 287 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:48,272 Now we use real bullets! - Jim, save yourself. 288 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,191 Save yourself, I'm not coming back for you! 289 00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:51,859 Um, Travis... Travis, I'm Winnie the Pooh'ed, man. 290 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,736 TRAVIS: I don't know what that means! 291 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,619 [sighs] So... 292 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,787 [radio chatter] 293 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:04,955 ...I came to Pegan Chicken today for lunch 294 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,458 which is what I always do everyday. 295 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,587 And I pulled up to the first window 296 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,091 and I ordered small fries, 297 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,593 small drink, hot wings, 298 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:21,555 no sauce, 'cause of my GERD and a toy. 299 00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,641 And I didn't even specify boy or girl 300 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,726 'cause I didn't wanna cause a fuss. 301 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:26,769 [radio chatter] 302 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:31,607 And I waited... and I waited... 303 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:36,153 And then finally she brought my order-- 304 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:40,908 But it wasn't... at all what I ordered. 305 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,577 And now I'm too afraid to eat it 306 00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:47,707 because I don't know if she messed with it. 307 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,084 And that's really fucked up. 308 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:55,589 Because I do so much for this community. 309 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:58,342 I helped someone pull their hamster 310 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:02,430 out of a drain today, and it almost lived. 311 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:06,517 But nobody cares how hard I work. 312 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,687 Nobody cares. [sniffles] 313 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,607 All I wanted was just my hot wings. 314 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:17,069 And my fries. [sniffles] 315 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,029 And it-- Oh. 316 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:25,119 Oh, my hot wings... Just... They were on the bottom. 317 00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:27,288 Yeah, this is my order. 318 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:28,873 [radio chatter] 319 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,375 This is what I ordered. It's just that there's two toys. 320 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:35,129 There were two toys in here and I had only ordered one. 321 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:38,591 So that's... that was very nice of her to do that. 322 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:43,053 It still doesn't explain why it took so long. 323 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,638 [radio chatter] 324 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,390 That's suspicious. 325 00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:50,186 So now I'm still afraid to eat it. 326 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,189 These are so good. 327 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,191 [sighs, sniffles] 328 00:12:55,232 --> 00:13:00,112 Guys, it's so hard to be me these days. [sniffles] 329 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,406 - [radio chatter] - I'm just a cop 330 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,533 trying to do a job... [sniffles] 331 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,660 ...and enjoy my fries. 332 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,538 Is it too much to ask, America? 333 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,417 [sobbing] 334 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:18,339 Oh, my God-- Oh, look at these. I got three toys. 335 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,799 [munching] 336 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,426 These make me look like a cop. 337 00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,054 [slurps] 338 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:27,765 Ah! 339 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,689 - PERSON: Good morning... - Here they are. 340 00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,149 ...afternoon and evening. 341 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,902 I'm here representing the local chapter of the ACLU. 342 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,695 These are the member of Antifa 343 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,364 and this is their list of demands. 344 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:45,032 And thank you for coming, first of all. 345 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,826 Wow, you just get right to the point. 346 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,078 Absolutely. I don't have a lot of time to waste. 347 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,704 I've been diagnosed with something. 348 00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:51,789 - Okay. - Okay. All right. 349 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,499 I love you, by the way. 350 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,084 I know it sounds like I'm yelling 351 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,126 but I love you! 352 00:13:56,460 --> 00:14:01,632 First of all, officers should no longer carry guns 353 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,051 unless who you're carrying a gun against 354 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,678 is also given a gun. 355 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:09,390 We are suggestin' if you do not carry a gun 356 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:10,683 and bring them a gun, 357 00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:12,351 then you wear a colorful sash... - JONES: Oh. 358 00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,020 ...with something on it like, "We're here to help." 359 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:18,190 "What can I do to help you?" "Our guns ain't fun." 360 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,443 "I'm your friend." "Let's be friends." 361 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:24,947 "How about we hug and/or shake this out?" 362 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,952 - No. That's a hard no. - Uh, no. Yeah. 363 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:32,246 That's a lot of words on one body. 364 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,497 On one sash? 365 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,457 You get to choose how many sashes you gonna wear 366 00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,625 on any given day. 367 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,961 - No. No. - No... No, thank you. 368 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:43,132 You must admit that Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez 369 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:46,093 is a solid nine, an eight at the very least. 370 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,345 - I can go for that. No? - I can't give 'em that. 371 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,472 I can't give-- She's short. - She's gorgeous. 372 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:52,683 See, you can't someone a nine who's that short. 373 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,685 Did you see that video of her dancing? 374 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,687 Yeah, I did. Her moves are great. 375 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,648 But if you are gonna... That's it... Okay, a seven. 376 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,609 Do you believe that we're not gonna read this? 377 00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,068 Is that why you're reading it to us? 378 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:06,030 - Absolutely. - Okay. 379 00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,328 We got a call that some Proud Boys 380 00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:14,538 are making a ruckus out here on the street. 381 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,749 They're supposed to be "patrolling the streets." 382 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,542 Uh, hello, that's what we do. 383 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,877 Hey, Garrett. 384 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,670 - Whoa, fancy meeting you here. - Yeah, very fancy. 385 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,548 Hey, keeping the... the streets safe and clean. 386 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,966 - That's what we're doing. - Yep. 387 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,010 - That's our job. - And it's all of our jobs. 388 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,804 - TRAVIS: No. Yeah. - For real, our job. 389 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:31,972 TRAVIS: So we got a report 390 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,307 that you guys... - What happened? 391 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,516 ...are in a little bit of a mess here. 392 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:35,643 GARRETT: Hmm. 393 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,811 You're stuck. You could just say that. 394 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:39,438 I'm not sure what you're talking about. 395 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,024 I was just gonna try and put in a... a new clip, 396 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:44,735 and he bent over, and when I shouldn't and-- 397 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,321 - CLEMENTINE: That's gotta... - Okay. No, I see what it is. 398 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:51,200 It's just this one. Now you step through here. 399 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,702 Just stand down, stand down. - CLEMENTINE: My nail! My nail! 400 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,663 - Okay, let go of that. - My grandmother gave me that. 401 00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:59,124 No, no, no, I don't mean-- I'm not trying to take away the gun. 402 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,668 You're making it worse, by the way. 403 00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:02,836 Hey, I got this one! Got this one. 404 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:04,046 ALL: Hey! 405 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,923 CLEMENTINE: Good. Can someone cut me loose? 406 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,842 Oh, I'm gonna take this this way. 407 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,427 - JIM: Hi, guys. - And this... 408 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:11,720 Oh. - Did you call for backup? 409 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,097 I'm gonna maypole you guys. 410 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,932 - And I'm gonna separate... - Ooh. 411 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,142 - I don't know what that means. - Maypole? I'm gonna maypole. 412 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,186 Can I use that for a second? And it just as apply-- 413 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,729 - This? Yeah. - JIM: I need a... 414 00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,439 Yeah. I'm gonna pry. - Wait, we got that one out! 415 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,149 Don't get it back in! We got that one out. 416 00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:27,319 - Okay, if you go up that way... - JIM: I'm gonna maypole it. 417 00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,779 - AAh! Shit! - Sorry. Sorry. 418 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,156 Now go under here... 419 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,200 - [speaks indistinctly] - Whoa! 420 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,284 TRAVIS: Was that me? 421 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,744 [mumbles] I'm gonna come down. 422 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:38,122 - You go under, go under! - JIM: Wait. Oh, my God. Wait. 423 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,582 Hey! - [cheering] 424 00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,042 - All right. - You did it. 425 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,752 - That's great, buddy. - CLEMENTINE: That's nice. 426 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,089 You got licenses for all these guns, right? 427 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,757 - Uh... - See ya. 428 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,968 - This is why we have this now. - I love that. 429 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,845 These cost a lot. I can't actually turn around. 430 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:54,596 Hang on, no, shit, I got it. - Can you turn it? 431 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:56,140 You need help? - ...give them a head start. 432 00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:57,766 No, I want them to have a head start. 433 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:01,311 - All right, there we go. - When they go high, I come low. 434 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:07,985 "No more breaking heads, only breaking breads." 435 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,237 All cops must stop using nightsticks 436 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,574 and carry breadsticks to hand out to the homeless. 437 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:17,619 BOTH: Boo! 438 00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:19,079 You can boo me personally. 439 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,497 I've been booed. - TRUDY: Okay. Okay. 440 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,624 I was booed three times on the way up here. 441 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,460 A boo doesn't frighten me. - JONES: Wait. 442 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,670 I'm like a brave kid at Halloween. 443 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,796 Boos mean nothing to me. 444 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:29,381 Wait, did I see you last spring? 445 00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,675 - Yes, you did. - You were... I... Uh... Uh... 446 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,011 Wha... Wha... You were doing some stand-up comedy? 447 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,721 - I was doing stand-up comedy. - Yeah! 448 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,723 - Well, I was already a lawyer-- - Yeah. 449 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:38,974 But I was doing stand-up comedy. 450 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,267 I saw... I... 451 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,019 - I saw you booed! I-- - You remember this line... 452 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:45,773 "What do I have in common with... with... with alcoholics? 453 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,107 I never passed the bar--" 454 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,692 'Cause I was a lawyer and I failed the bar. 455 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,569 I don't get it but I love your enthusiasm. 456 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,654 - Another demand! - Okay. 457 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:57,534 "All cops in order to be well-rested and peaceful 458 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,287 must reduce their shifts to eight hours 459 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:04,416 with a solid one hour sit-down lunch everyday." 460 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,422 - Yeah. Yeah. Okay. - Yeah. Yeah, we'll take that. 461 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,174 Agreeing to that means that you agree 462 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,051 to all the other demands. 463 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,470 - Whatever - Yeah. Yeah. 464 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,554 That's fine, great. 465 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,056 Hey, be careful on the way out, 466 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,599 there's a booby-trap set on your right-hand side. 467 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:22,226 - Okay. - Okay, yeah. 468 00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,939 - Oh, shit, Frank, look out. - Aah! Look out! 469 00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:34,071 Whoa! 470 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,699 Tear gas, pepper spray, hand sanitizers? 471 00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,744 There's not enough room on my belt! [chuckles] 472 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,163 There's gotta be a better way. 473 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:45,415 [funky music playing] 474 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,084 Now there is. 475 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,670 It's the latest advancement from Policetek. 476 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,381 It's a tear gas and hand sanitizer. 477 00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:56,927 It kills 99 out of 100 germs. And it takes out peaceful pro-- 478 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,972 Violent protesters like a pack of pit bulls. 479 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:03,809 [screaming in agony] 480 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,018 Shit! 481 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:09,022 Not only that, it's a hell of an antiperspirant. 482 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,401 - A-ha-ha. - Ho-ho. Whoo! 483 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,362 Wow, it kills those stubborn germs 484 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,406 that cause distasteful body odor. 485 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:20,450 - Mmm. Peppery. [laughs] - Mm. [laughs] 486 00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,453 - JIM: We call it Brut-ality. - JONES: [coughs] Brut-ality. 487 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,206 JIM: It's the tear gas, hand sanitizer, antiperspirant 488 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,167 we've all been waiting for. 489 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,628 For the new reality, we need some... 490 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,713 Brut-ality. 491 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,050 Uh... It spices up taco night, too. [chuckles] 492 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,969 [crunches] 493 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,013 Oh! [coughs, spits] 494 00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:43,849 - You okay? He's okay. - Yeah! 495 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,142 [screams] 496 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,852 Milk! Give me some milk! 497 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:50,772 [police siren wailing] 498 00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,357 JONES: Sir, let's deescalate this. 499 00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,318 - Deescalate this. - Deescalate. 500 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,445 - No, we're not doing this. - No, no, no, no! 501 00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:57,946 BOTH: No, no, no, no, no! No! 502 00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:00,449 - JAMES: Oh, God. Put it away. - JONES: Put that away. 503 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,284 - You, you... No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no. 504 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,036 - Oh, gross. Gross. - Hey, hey. 505 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,662 - No. - Use your words. 506 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,749 - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - JONES: No, no, no, no, no! 507 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:11,460 JAMES: Slow down! No! Slow down! No! 508 00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:12,836 BOTH: No, no, no! 509 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,963 - Hey, no. No. Ugh. - JONES: No. No. 510 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,548 - [mumbles] Look out! - No! 511 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,383 - JONES: Sir... - JAMES: Hey! 512 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,052 - PERSON: Call security! - BOTH: No. No. 513 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,470 - JONES: Whoa. - JAMES: Hey! 514 00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:22,721 PERSON: Call security on this dude, man. 515 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:23,805 Don't take him on! No! 516 00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,182 Son of a bitch! - Whoa! 517 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,850 - JONES: Hold on! - Do not go back outside. 518 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,810 - Look out! Look out! - Get out of the way! 519 00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:31,772 Hey! Hey! Oh! - JONES: Sir! Sir! 520 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:35,567 O-ho! Oh! 521 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:36,693 Ah! 522 00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,862 Camera. 523 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,572 I lost him. 524 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,075 JONES: It smells like balls out here. 525 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,660 JIM: That's right! 526 00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:48,330 Say, Amy Coney Barrett! 527 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,540 What, what! Amy, what! 528 00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,209 Coney-- Oh, hey! - JONES: Hey! 529 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,628 Dangle? - JIM: Are you guys signing up? 530 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,171 [indistinct chatter]