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Previously on...

2
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Tonight would be
a great time

3
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:07,311
to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,

4
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that you're really
Alan Harper.

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00:00:08,704 --> 00:00:10,967
If you tell Larry
who you really are,

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then he's gonna wonder
why Ididn't tell him.

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00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:18,061
Will you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?

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Who the hell
is Alan Harper?

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Larry! Look! Boobs!

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♪ Men.♪

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We can go in the other room and
you can play with them. Huh?

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Really?
In the middle of the day?Mm-hmm.

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Wait a minute.
Who's Alan Harper?

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Uh, I am gonna answer that,
but before I do...

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What do you say, Gretchie?

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Will you marry me?

17
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Yes.

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[laughs]:
Oh, my God!

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You've made me the-the
happiest man in the world.

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Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't cry.

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A-And for your
question, Larry,

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I just want to say that
everything you've known about me

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is a lie.

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My real name is Alan.

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That's okay.
My real name is Lawrence.

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All right, this is gonna be
a lot harder than I thought.

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Um, uh, Lyndsey

28
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is my ex-girlfriend.
When you and she

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got together,
I made up a fake name

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so that I could meet you
and stay close to Lyndsey.

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But then it turns out
I actually like you

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more than I like Lyndsey.

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I like you
more than Lyndsey, too!

34
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What the hell
is happening here?!

35
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So your name's
not really Jeff Strongman,

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it's Alan Harper,
and you used to date Lyndsey?

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For four years.

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Did you know about this?

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Yes. He was my boyfriend.

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But-but I'm with younow,
and only you.

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A-And I'm really, really sorry.

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Oh, save it, Jeff--
if that's even your real name.

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I think I made it pretty clear
it's not, but o-okay.

44
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I told Alan that I
thought he should
tell you the truth,

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because I thought
you deserved to know.

46
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How could you keep this from me?

47
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I would never lie to you.
This is unbelievable!

48
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I never wanted
any of this to happen.

49
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Well, it did-- and now
I've lost my two best friends.

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And this time I'm not
talking about your boobs.

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I don't want to see
either one of you again.

52
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And I'm still not talking
about your boobs!

53
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The wedding's off!

54
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Larry, wait!

55
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Oh, God, see?

56
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This is exactly why
I didn't want to tell him.

57
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Now both Lyndsey
andLarry hate me,

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and I've ruined the lives
of two wonderful people.

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I'll never forget
the look on-- ooh, boobs.

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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

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♪ Men.♪

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[like Scarface]:
Say hello to my little friend.

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What is that?

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Thisis the most advanced

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robotic artificial
intelligence today.

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I call him WALD-E.

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Get it?

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'Cause I'm Walden,

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and the movie WALL-E?

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WALD-E?
[chuckles]

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Say hello to my friend Jenny.

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[robotic voice]:
Hello to my friend Jenny.

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I programmed him to be funny.

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I beg to differ.

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You're just jealous
'cause you don't have

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an electronic friend
to play with.

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Trust me, I have a whole drawer

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of electronic friends
I can play with.

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Then maybe we can have
a zero-one-one-way.

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That's a three-way in binary.

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[laughs]:
Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead.

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Hey.

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Oh. Hey, check out
my new robot.

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I detect no sign
of intelligent life.

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I'm not in the mood for this.
Can you turn him off?

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Can you turn himoff?

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I wish I could, WALD-E,
I wish I could.

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What's going on?Larry just texted me.

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He wants to see me.
What do you think he wants?

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Well,

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given the fact
you blew up his entire life,

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I'm guessing he
either wants to kick your ass,

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orrip your face off so you
can watchhim kick your ass.

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Oh, this is all my fault.

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I should have just been honest

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and told the truth
right from the start--
lying is

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never the answer.

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Ooh, I know,
I'll tell him I'm sick.

100
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What's a trendy illness?

101
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Alan, you have to man up

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and face the consequences
of your actions.

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[groans]
Maybe you're right.

104
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I at least owe him that much.

105
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I'll just go and... Hah-choo!

106
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Oh! Oh. Oh.

107
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Alan?Mm-hmm?

108
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When people sneeze,
they don't say, "Hah-choo,

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oh, ew, ooh."

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Okay, fine.

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But when he beats me
within an inch of my life,

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you're on bedpan duty.

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Okay, if it makes you
feel better, I'll come with you.

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JENNY [scoffs]: He only wants to
go so when Larry beats you up,

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he can say, "I told you so."

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That is not true.

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Even though
I repeatedly

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told him to stop lying
about who he was,

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and deceiving the people
around him,

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and eventually it
would blow up in his face,

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I'm not going to say,
"I told you so."

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Well, I appreciate that.

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I want to film Larry
kicking his ass

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and then say,
"I told you so."

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♪ Men.♪

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Hey, Alan.

127
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Oh, hey,
hey, Larry!

128
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I don't have a weapon.

129
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Hi. I'm Walden,

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Alan's friend.

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Uh, just act like I'm not here,

132
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and punch like
no one's watchin'.

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And...

134
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action.

135
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,219
So, you, uh, you said

136
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you wanted to talk?

137
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No, no, no, louder.

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I'm sorry. What?

139
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Louder. There's a lot
of ambient noise in here.

140
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[loudly]: So, so, you
said you wanted to talk?

141
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[loudly]:
Yeah, I actually came here
to tell you that I forgive you!

142
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No! Cut! Cut!

143
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What's... Wait, wait,
you forgivehim?

144
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Yeah, I realized
all this anger isn't good.

145
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I had to let it all go.

146
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No!

147
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He's not gonna
learn his lesson

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if you forgive him.
The only way he's gonna learn

149
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a lesson is
through pain and suffering

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and possibly losing a tooth.

151
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No, no. He's gonna be
my brother-in-law

152
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and make an honest woman
out of Gretchen.

153
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[chuckling]: She's not
gonna be an honest woman
on our wedding night.

154
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That's the guy I know and love
who's banging my sister.

155
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I do love banging
your sister.

156
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[laughing]

157
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No, the only banging I want
to see is you banging his face!

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Oh,

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that didn't come out right.

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Gretchen is the most amazing
woman I've ever met.

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I-I just have to scrape
together enough money
for the wedding.

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Oh, I know what you mean--
mine and Lyndsey's

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was costing me a fortune.

164
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I already paid for the flowers,
the cake, the tux.

165
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Too bad you can't
just take hiswedding.

166
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Or can I?

167
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I was kidding.

168
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Well, why not? I mean,
this cup says "Peter" on it,

169
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but Peter
wasn't there to get it.

170
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I'm not gonna use it.
Me and Lyndsey are through,

171
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so you might as well.

172
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You can't mooch a wedding

173
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that you just destroyed.

174
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[laughs]:
I know. How great is that?

175
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Classic Alan Harper.

176
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Jeff Strongman.

177
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Mm.I don't know how
I didn't see through it sooner.

178
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It's such
an obviously made-up name.

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Yeah.Jeff.

180
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♪ Men.♪

181
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Mom, this is my fiancée,
Gretchen Martin.

182
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It is so nice to finally
meet you, Evelyn.

183
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Oh, you, too, dear.

184
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How far along areyou?

185
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:56,024
What?Uh, my mother
assumes that

186
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:57,504
since you agreed to marry me,
you must be pregnant.

187
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[laughs]:
No, I'm not pregnant.

188
00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:01,856
Are you after my money?Of course not.

189
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:05,642
¿Estas buscando trabajo
en el mundo nuevo?

190
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,296
What?

191
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:09,994
Not looking
for a green card, either.

192
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,475
You must genuinely like Alan.Yeah.

193
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,825
This is uncharted
territory for me.

194
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:16,827
I know. She actually
loves me for me.

195
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:19,351
I mean, I had to pretend
to be another person

196
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,005
to make it all
happen, but still.

197
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,486
Oh, that is somering
you bought her.

198
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,923
Oh, actually, that's the ring
my ex-husband got me.

199
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,665
But I still had it--
I figured why make Alan
buy another one?

200
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:31,668
My God, you've
found your soul mate.

201
00:07:31,755 --> 00:07:33,714
I know. Our honeymoon is
at her cousin's time-share.

202
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:36,978
He can't use it, 'cause
he had a heart attack.

203
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,632
We're so blessed.

204
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,764
Speaking of blessings,

205
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,723
I just want to thank you
for raising such a caring,

206
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,813
thoughtful,
intelligent son.

207
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,858
[chuckling]

208
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:48,555
Oh, you're serious.

209
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,907
So, when's the big day?

210
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:54,778
Oh, uh, it's
next Saturday.

211
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:57,477
We're just gonna have a small
affair here at the house.

212
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,174
We're trying to
keep costs down.

213
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:00,480
Are your parents coming?

214
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,524
Oh, no, my parents
have passed away.

215
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,571
Again, we're
so blessed.

216
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,705
So, where are you planning
on living after you marry?

217
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:09,837
Oh, we're not in a rush
to go anywhere.

218
00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:13,754
I mean, beach house, no rent...

219
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:16,321
Don't be ridiculous--
you need your own place.

220
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,585
Well, that's easier
said than done, Mom.

221
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:20,804
How about for your wedding
if I give you a down payment

222
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,546
towards your own...Oh, I love you, Mom!

223
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,508
I won't go thatfar,
but thank you.

224
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:31,075
♪ Men.♪

225
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:33,034
[doorbell rings]

226
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,646
Walden.

227
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:38,692
Oh, don't worry,
Alan's not with me.

228
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,476
Wow, it's amazing

229
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:41,564
how infrequently
I actually get to say that.

230
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:44,349
What's up?

231
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,483
I just wanted
to make sure you're okay.

232
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:49,485
That's sweet, but I'm fine.

233
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:52,140
When I get dumped, I usually
end up sobbing in a bathtub,

234
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,794
listening to Michael Bublé.

235
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,883
I call it my "Bublé bath."

236
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,451
You sure you're all right?Yeah.

237
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,105
I was about to marry Larry,

238
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,151
a guy who once called
venetian blind cleaners

239
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,153
because he wanted to help
handicapped Italians.

240
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,807
Look, if Alan

241
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,591
and Gretchen are supposed
to be together,

242
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,767
I wish them the best.

243
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:13,683
If you need anything,
don't hesitate to call me.[laughs]

244
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:15,380
Thanks.Okay.

245
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:16,686
[laughs]

246
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,343
[beeps]

247
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:24,564
Siri, remind me to draw
a Bublé bath tonight.

248
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,004
Mm, what's that, Larry?

249
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:33,747
You forgive me
and you still want to marry me?

250
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:36,706
Oh, Alan...

251
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:39,709
you never stopped loving me
and you want to marry me, too?

252
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,192
I am the luckiest woman
in the world.

253
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,064
[laughing]

254
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,850
[sobbing]

255
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,417
[laughing]

256
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,245
[sobbing]

257
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,943
♪ Men.♪

258
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:00,817
♪ Men.♪

259
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,776
Everybody, freeze.

260
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,474
What the hell?

261
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,955
Berta, I know
where you hide your pot.

262
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:10,653
WALD-E!

263
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,438
No...!

264
00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:16,311
Now, that'show you deal
with a DEA drone.

265
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:17,704
No!

266
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:18,661
It's my robot!

267
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,620
I was playing a joke.

268
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,796
Oh.

269
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,493
It was funny.

270
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,540
Oh... oh...

271
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,542
Don't worry, little ro-buddy.

272
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,066
We'll get you on life support.

273
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:35,852
Or tech support.
Oh, he would've loved that joke.

274
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:38,725
I lost the head
of one of my toys once.

275
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:41,597
Of course, I had to go to the
emergency room to get it out.

276
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:46,950
Um, listen, I know this
may not be an opportune moment,

277
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:51,041
but, um, I was wondering,
would you do me the honor of...

278
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,826
being my best man?

279
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,524
Of course. I would have
been hurt if you didn't ask.

280
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:56,917
Oh, thanks, thanks. Great, man.

281
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,527
Uh, oh, and better get
your speech ready

282
00:10:58,614 --> 00:10:59,920
for the rehearsal dinner.

283
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,443
I'm taking everybody
to Souplantation.

284
00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:03,097
Fingers crossed we all end up
at the same table.

285
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,272
Come on, come on,
come on. We...

286
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:05,882
we got to go someplace fancier.

287
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:07,667
Well, I would love to,
but I can't affo...

288
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:08,798
I'll pay for it.

289
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:09,712
Great. We've got reservations

290
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:10,670
at 7:30 at La Dolce.

291
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,629
♪ Men.♪

292
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:16,284
[clinking]

293
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:19,113
I would like to make a toast
to the bride and groom.

294
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,029
Um, I don't
look at this

295
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,987
as losing a friend

296
00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:26,642
so much as gaining a guest room.

297
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,252
[chuckles]

298
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,777
I don't see this as
losing a friend either.

299
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:35,085
Anyway, uh, to the happy couple.

300
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,521
Uh, Alan,

301
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,567
you're like a brother to me.

302
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:41,004
And, Gretchen,
you...

303
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:45,356
have a smile that lights up
those around you

304
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:48,098
and a heart big enough
to let them all in.

305
00:11:48,185 --> 00:11:49,230
So...

306
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:50,144
cheers.

307
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:53,147
That was so sweet.

308
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,670
Is he gay?

309
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,759
If he was, you think
I'd be with you right now?

310
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,415
♪ Men.♪

311
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,069
[knocking]

312
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,548
Um, occupied.

313
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:04,811
[rattling]

314
00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:07,204
Ocupado.

315
00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:09,032
[rattling]

316
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:12,253
S-Sprechen Siepoopin.

317
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,124
Alan.

318
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:15,996
Lyndsey?!

319
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,606
I need to talk to you.

320
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,956
You scared the crap out of me.
Literally.

321
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,392
This'll just take a sec.

322
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:22,916
Wh-What are you doing?

323
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:24,439
My whole family's here
in the restaurant.

324
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:26,920
I'm here to say yes.

325
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,617
To what?

326
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,662
Your proposal.

327
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,099
I want to be your wife.

328
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:35,276
I am yours forever
and ever and ever.

329
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,844
I am crazy for you.

330
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,542
Oh, I don't doubt that.

331
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:41,891
You know you still want me.

332
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:43,327
Fate has brought us here
together.

333
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:44,851
Uh, actually,
my lactose intolerance

334
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:48,028
has brought us here together.

335
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,857
Whatever. It was meant to be.

336
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:52,162
Um, Lyndsey, Lyndsey,

337
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:53,990
a-as romantic as this moment is,

338
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:57,907
um, uh, I-I'm in love
with Gretchen.

339
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:03,043
[crying]:
What happened to me?

340
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,088
I was the prize.

341
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:08,091
Men were fighting over me.

342
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:12,095
Am I not hot anymore?

343
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:14,054
[snorting
sniffle]

344
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,969
Oh, I'm gonna need that.

345
00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,191
Here.

346
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:24,325
They're sanitized
for your protection.

347
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,022
[blowing nose loudly]

348
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:27,850
Look, I-I still care
about you and...

349
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,721
Oh, stop it.

350
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,115
I don't want your pity.

351
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:35,640
I'm gonna get out of here
while I still have my dignity.

352
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,431
Oh, great.

353
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:46,651
Now everyone at the table's
gonna know I was pooping.

354
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:49,785
♪ Men.♪

355
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,831
Hey, Alan,

356
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,398
I have a little surprise
for your big day.

357
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,574
Oh! Cash or check?

358
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,707
I brought Jake to the wedding.

359
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,927
My son. Yes. Yes.

360
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,754
Yes, that's-that's way better
than cash.

361
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,496
Um, uh, where is he?

362
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:08,108
Hi, Dad.

363
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:09,936
Pull my finger.

364
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:11,851
[digital fart sound]

365
00:14:14,157 --> 00:14:17,160
Classic Robot Jake.

366
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,640
Alan, can I see you a second?

367
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,598
Oh, did you see Jake came
to the wedding?

368
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:23,297
Sure, of course. Hello, Jake.

369
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,869
Hey, Larry.

370
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,523
Hey.

371
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:33,960
You're looking...
pretty pensive.

372
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:38,007
Oh, thanks, it's a rental.

373
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:41,228
You look pretty
pensive, too.

374
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,099
Actually...

375
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,145
Thank you.

376
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:49,671
Uh, hey, I just wanted
to say that it's, um....

377
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:51,760
it's pretty big of you
to forgive Alan the way you did.

378
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:53,980
I mean,

379
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,112
after hearing that he was
still sleeping with Lyndsey

380
00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:56,983
when you two
were dating...

381
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:01,813
...is apparently something
you're hearing

382
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,859
for the first time
right now.

383
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,643
Are you freakin' kidding me?
They were cheating?!

384
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,818
I'll kill him!

385
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,907
Larry, Larry,

386
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:08,908
I'm sorry.For what?

387
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,866
This.

388
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,091
Okay, let's get this show
on the road!

389
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:20,223
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What-What's the rush?

390
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:23,052
Oh, uh,
I accidentally told Larry

391
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:24,924
that you and Lyndsey
were cheating on him,

392
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,578
so he wanted to kill you
so I pushed him off the deck.

393
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,493
Let's go! Showtime!
Chop, chop! Come on!

394
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,930
["Bridal Chorus" playing]

395
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:35,543
WALDEN:
Oh,

396
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:38,285
wow, so pensive.

397
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:40,287
Where's my brother?

398
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:41,941
Oh.

399
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,159
Uh,

400
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,118
he was overcome with emotion.

401
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:48,512
So he hit the beach.

402
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,472
Uh, but don't worry.
I'm filming it.

403
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,039
Oh, by the way,
if you trip on your dress

404
00:15:53,126 --> 00:15:55,998
and accidentally flash us,
just go with it.

405
00:15:58,174 --> 00:15:59,436
A-All right, honey,
you look beautiful,

406
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,308
but let's move it along, please.

407
00:16:01,395 --> 00:16:04,398
Uh, Jenny, hit it.[clears throat]

408
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,967
"Daughters, mothers, sisters,
we gather here,

409
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:10,273
safe from the patriarchy and the
oppression of its penises..."

410
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,841
Oh, I really should've
revised this

411
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,799
before doing a straight wedding.

412
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:17,933
Um, wh-why don't we, uh, skip
to the vows that you guys wrote?

413
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,413
All right. Um...
[clears throat]

414
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:24,766
I, Gretchen, do swear
to honor and cherish you.

415
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:27,334
You asked me to go down
the road of life with you,

416
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:28,161
and I am answering.

417
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,206
I will go down.

418
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:34,341
That's what she said.

419
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,169
And I, Alan, do swear to honor,

420
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:38,127
cherish and stand behind you

421
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,651
whether things are easy

422
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,305
or things are hard.

423
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:45,352
[crying]:
That's what he said.

424
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:47,223
Alan, do you take Gretchen
to be your...

425
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,529
LYNDSEY:
I object!

426
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:54,709
Lyndsey?

427
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:56,232
Lyndsey, Lyndsey,
you can't be here.

428
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:57,146
Aren't I a pretty, pretty bride,
Alan?

429
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,801
Yes.

430
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:01,150
You look insanely
beautiful.

431
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,543
Uh, now let's
turn you around

432
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,458
and get you in a
cab. How 'bout...

433
00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:07,200
No!

434
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,724
This was supposed to be my day!

435
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:10,377
My wedding!

436
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,205
My groom!

437
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:15,773
My f... Wait.

438
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,645
Those are my flowers.

439
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:21,344
[gasps]
That's my food!

440
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:23,216
Those are my linens.

441
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:28,090
[gasps]
That's my...

442
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,179
I think
she was gonna say "cake"!

443
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:37,795
I always liked her.

444
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,668
So, uh...
so where were we?

445
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:42,104
Gretchen?

446
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:43,497
Derek?

447
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:44,063
Who's this guy?

448
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,022
He's my ex-husband.

449
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:49,633
[laughing]:
Oh, come on!

450
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,592
What are you doing here?

451
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:54,943
Some crazy lady called and said
you were getting married.

452
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:55,813
Well,
actually,

453
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,293
what she said was,

454
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,903
"Gretchen, pretty, pretty bride"

455
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:02,298
followed by two minutes
of intense vomiting.

456
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:03,908
Pretty sure
that was her.

457
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:06,389
Boo-ya!

458
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:08,870
Gretchen, I know I made
some horrible mistakes.

459
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:10,654
I drank too much,
I wrecked your truck,

460
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:13,048
I cheated on you
with your best friend.

461
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,919
In your truck.
While I was drunk.

462
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,573
Which is why
I wrecked it.

463
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,619
Lose your dog
and you got a country song.
[chuckles]

464
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,229
I wouldn't know.
I'm more into hip-hop.

465
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,493
I miss you, baby.
I want you back.

466
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:24,494
ALAN:
Hey, Derek,

467
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:25,930
if you want her back,

468
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,454
you're gonna have
to go through me.

469
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:28,585
Fine by me.

470
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,544
And him.

471
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:33,416
Look, seeing you in that
white dress right before

472
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,549
I beat up two goobers
reminds me of our wedding.

473
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,769
But this time the cake's not
in the shape of Dale Jr.,

474
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,206
which is a
huge oversight.

475
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,862
Derek...

476
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:46,734
You're not actually
considering this, are you?

477
00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:48,301
I don't know. I'm so confused.

478
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,346
I mean, Derek and I have
so much history together.

479
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:52,348
This is really hard.

480
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:53,480
That's what she said.

481
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,917
[gasps]

482
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:59,007
That's what they say.

483
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,052
I'm sorry, Alan. I-I at least
have to talk to him.

484
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:05,100
Gretchen, wait!

485
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:07,494
It's times like this
a son needs his mother.

486
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:10,149
I'm gonna slip out
the back.

487
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,847
Serves you right,
you bastard.

488
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:14,849
I mean, I love you.

489
00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:18,635
Let's work this out.

490
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:21,203
Best wedding ever!

491
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,249
Yep! And I got
the whole thing on...

492
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:26,861
Aw, crap, I had it on photo.

493
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:29,124
♪ Men.♪

494
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,261
How you doing?

495
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:36,566
I've had better days.

496
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:40,266
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.

497
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:42,572
Later, I'll run
you a Bublé bath.

498
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:46,010
[chuckles]
Thanks.

499
00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:47,621
Gretchen called.

500
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:48,752
She said it's not over.

501
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:51,451
She's just sorting things out.

502
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:52,452
Oh, buddy.

503
00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:56,804
"Sorting things out"
is just people's way

504
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:59,198
of not giving you bad news.

505
00:20:01,112 --> 00:20:03,114
So I take it your...

506
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,553
mom's not gonna give you the
money for your own place?

507
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,905
I'm just sorting
things out.

508
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,516
You know what?

509
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,736
I didn't really want
you to leave anyway.

510
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:17,651
Aw. Thanks.

511
00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:21,263
Can you believe it?

512
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,266
We're still together,
three years later.

513
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,789
I know.

514
00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:29,271
I thought for sure
it was over when Charlie died.

515
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,186
Thank God I showed up.

516
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,539
You're telling me.Hmm.

517
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:38,541
I... You know,
I've been so busy lately.

518
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,500
I-I really miss
hanging out with you.

519
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,893
Yeah. Me, too. You know,
we should pick a night

520
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:45,418
where we just
always get together.

521
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:47,550
No matter what's going on,
once a week, we just do this.

522
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,423
Okay, I like it.
I like it.

523
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,381
How 'bout, uh, here
every Thursday night?

524
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:53,687
9:00.

525
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:54,731
It's a date.

526
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,429
Uh, don't call it a date.

527
00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:58,909
Just call it...
two men hanging out.

528
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:00,433
ROBOT:
Hey.

529
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,695
What about me?

530
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:05,220
Okay, fine.
Two and a half men.

531
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,440
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

532
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,268
and TOYOTA.

533
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:16,536
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org